The Mischief Manifesto: Part 4 - "The Virtues of Mayhem" (Patreon)

Volume 4: The Virtues of Mayhem

So you are probably all wondering why I, Wario, am constantly committing such heinous and transparently corrupt criminal acts, dozens of which, without hyperbole, amount to literal war-crimes and international catastrophes that have rendered vast communities and even entire populations in some cases, to become one-hundred percent destitute and/or dead. So, heh, well... to be perfectly honest, I find that mostly my crimes are driven by petty or sophomoric impulses and mindless self-indulgences left wholly unleashed by the abject failure to adequately present that I have received any sort of personal consequences. I pretty much do any evil thing I want and neatly slip through the bumbling fingers of anyone wishing to punish me completely unscathed, frequently coming out of it with more satisfaction and resources than I had before doing it.

It might be enough to simply say that stopping me from damaging society in this way is an issue stemming from a worldwide deficit of aptitude and intelligence in anyone claiming to be morally sound, but that would be dishonest, and that is a personality trait that I could not in good conscience do anything less than detest. The bare truth, I have found, is that God, chance, or whatever is really in charge of circumstances in these situations, invites mischief anywhere there is too rigid an element of decorum to resist the urge of acting appropriately and instead perform the critical role of exposing pretentious facades of righteousness used to disguise it. In other words, God's kingdom needs jesters, and I am obviously his favorite, given free rein to fart in the face of the law, lest it suffocate itself under the meager mask of some invincible force of objective good merely upheld by writing rules on paper and paying people to follow them. I know to an idiot this would seem perfectly in line with reality, but sadly they cannot afford enough intelligence to conceive that evil people love having money even more than any government can manage to, and they too can pay people even more to outright ignore these flimsy Rorschach ink blots of virtue called laws.

Tell me something, oh dear reader of my advice, what seems more attractive to you or anyone with even a sub-fifty IQ; being handed an ugly beige piece of paper that says with thousands of convoluted words that you cannot do something, or being handed a piece of velvety, green, and might i add artful, piece paper that empowers you to elicit any service or resource out of the world you desire? Go ahead. I'll wait for your answer.... if you answered with a preference to the beige paper, and are a citizen of Warioland, I must inform you that you are now under arrest and are required by law to explain yourself to me personally or face the death penalty. An appointment will be set and scheduled while you are detained in my fabulous luxury gulag. If you instead answered that you prefer the green piece of paper, then congratulations! You fully understand why I must request you pay me two-thirds of your current liquid assets as a token of your appreciation for my love of money... think of it as a lump-sum for every tax you'll ever have to pay as a citizen of my nation, that will probably tide your financial anxieties over until I decide to make you pay it again for whatever reason I feel is appropriate at any given time I see fit.

Now where was I?

Oh, right. All societal conventions and traditions are contemptible. They are convenient ruts that people fall into and only stay in out of comfort and laziness, which of course implies that those who revel in them secretly fear exercising any form of personal control or real effort, letting all the other ants in their colony do the work for them, ignorant to the fact that the exact same notion exists in every last member of their collective, leaving them to the whims of whatever bloated self-obsessed ant-queen is getting fat off of promoting it.

Now, you might be saying right now, "But Wario! Your country has laws! And you just yesterday declared embezzlement a national tradition. Why should I follow these if you say they are nonsense?". You should follow them because I have paid people to enforce them and brutalize those who violate them, you dolt. Of course, much like breaking a plate and sweeping it under the rug, I cannot do anything about a law being broken without knowing about it, except wonder where one of my plates has gone and ponder about the crunching sounds my rug now makes when stepping on it, that is. Obviously, you might also manage to bribe my enforcers enough to look the other way, which would impress and amuse me, but I offer rather excellent benefits to them, and snitches on my health plan can more than afford their stitches, so this option is far easier said than done.

At this point, you are probably saying to yourself; "Shut up, already, Wario! Your every word is a jest, and your actions reveal you as little more than a pitiful, disingenuous, deluded fraud, charlatan, and mental case unfit for participation in society. You are a real stinky guy and your humiliating public murder will soon be enjoyed by me!"

Uh, this is kind of awkward, since I thought you already knew it, but I have not ever hidden the fact that my entire brand is built on my being an outrageous dickhead who loves farting on you while picking your pocket.

I would like to take a moment to extend, to you, my sincerest appreciation for your attention to me. I really love you for it! I offer, as well, for free, that you lean in now to whatever source is providing my words to you right now, and imagine now, that I, Wario, am blowing to you, the most hideous of farts, perfectly up your nose, and perhaps into your brain.

If you are still listening after this point; congratulations. "You are an esteemed and officially certified acolyte of me" as soon as you have viewed and/or listened to this sentence.

If you wish to know more, you will keep your attention undivided on any updates involving me. If you refuse to listen to anything I have to say after this point, then rest assured; I put my seed in your head, and I thank you for growing it there completely free of my expense.