I Need To Address A Few Things [ Please Read ] (Patreon)

- I'm sorry if my current passion for Vtubing is annoying. When D Knight left on his deployment he encouraged me to find hobbies to keep me entertained so I don't risk ASMR roleplay burnouts by only focusing on that and stressing over it. VTubing just happened to be the hobby to appeal to me.

- I know a lot of y'all aren't into streams. That's fine. But for one, it is still content as I am doing things to engage with my audience and entertain them when I could do other things that have nothing to do with any of y'all. And two - and this is bigger - I am painfully lonely. I like interacting with others in real time. I was lonely to a degree before D left because I rarely got to talk to RL friends or see them during my pregnancy and pandemic hit and made shit worse. Now with D gone I feel more alone than ever. Recording RPs is fun and all but it's only one-way. I don't get to ENGAGE with fellow humans. Streaming allows me to do that. Plus in situations where I'm sick or in a position where my living conditions aren't quiet enough to record ASMR it gives me something to do on my channels to do the core aspect of my "job" - entertain. 

- I hate that I feel the need to remind people I disappeared for 9-10 months because I was pregnant and as such off ALL of my meds which made my mental health go to shit. Plus around the time I got my positive test I was dealing with major creative blocks and burn out. So my messed up brain decided people were better off forgetting about me and the stuff I make isn't good enough anyway so I should just focus on my physical health, the growing baby, and my relationships with my family instead. And you know what? That might have been a good thing. Who knows. Stressing over content could've possibly hurt my pregnancy as stress is proven to have negative effects on growing fetuses. And when I stress I stress hard. So while I acknowledge it sucked for most of you and likely frustrated and worried you, it may have been for the best I subconsciously chose to remove myself from things that could possibly hurt me and my baby. 

- I just had my baby June 2nd. Little fox is barely 4 months. She needs a lot of time and attention still obviously plus she's still at an age with an unpredictable sleep schedule. I need to prioritize her and my older kid (who is currently dealing with her own issues that we're working on). I CAN'T do the content schedule I tried to maintain mid 2018 into 2019. I just....don't have those long stretches of free time. Not to mention right now because of the pandemic my house is rarely empty. My mom came to live with Pops me and the kids because she needed our broadband to work from home. Both she and Pops work from home and likely will until new years. There's almost always someone around and it makes noise. (I have a parrot who squawks at air but really gets excited whenever she sees a human. It's loud a lot.) I don't have the same amount of spare time nor the same amount of quiet. PLEASE BE PATIENT! If things go well with the pandemic Pops and my mom go back to their offices after the winter holidays and by then little fox should be big enough to be left in a play pen to play for an hour or two while I do stuff. 

- My house is currently being renovated during the week. It is noisy as fuck. I hope the contractors are done by the end of October.

- Again I just had a baby and went through some major life changes. D Knight being gone until May is another adjustment I wasn't expecting to have to make. I'm still adjusting to this new life. It's hard. I cry a lot sometimes. I have to juggle a 6 year old with possible adolescent mental health issues with a tiny baby by myself most of the day every day and at night. I'm grateful for what little support I have but I still have a lot on my plate and weight on my shoulders.

I want to do right by y'all. I really do. But I do feel I haven't been given much time to adjust since choosing to return to content creation. It feels to me people expect me to go from 0 to exactly how I used to do things and I just....can't. Not right now. I can't make schedules. I can only make content as my health and the will of the children and noisy house allows. Just know I'm not half assing. I'm not scamming. I'm literally trying to do the best I can right now. And it's eating at me inside that apparently trying to do my best given my circumstances still isn't good enough for some folks. There's creators who update content only monthly, maybe bi weekly if that. And they get rallied with support.Yet if I go a week with maybe one piece of content or just a couple of streams I feel like I get penalized.  I want to focus on quality over quantity for one thing and also I try to put things out at least once a week to have some semblance of routine.  Usually I have something to post every few days even if it's just a poll or bouncing ideas off y'all (which not every creator lets their audience be privy to).  I am literally doing the best I can in what's feeling like impossible circumstances.

And all I can do is hope that my efforts are good enough. Please tell me they're good enough right now.