Midnight Pals: Fitness (Patreon)

[at the beach] Sonia Greene: oh howard this was such a lovely idea!Greene: a romantic seaside picnic and just the two of us!Greene: and we've got your favorite food right here - untoasted white bread!Greene: isn't this nice?HP Lovecraft: [sweats, stares at ocean] right sure

HP Lovecraft: Hey! Quit kicking sand in our faces!Sonia Greene: that man is the worst nuisance on the beach!Aleister Crowley: [grabbing Lovecraft] listen here, I'd smash your face, only you're so skinny you might dry up and blow away!

Crowley: [to greene, as he manhandles lovecraft] look babe, why don't you drop that zero and get with the heroCrowley: i'll show you how a real man kicks sand in people's faces!Crowley: THE GREAT BEAST!!! DO AS THOU WILLT!!!!

Lovecraft: The big bully! I'll get even some day!Greene: oh don't let it bother you, little boyGreene: i'll fix you up a nice big meal, put some meat on those bonesLovecraft: and that'll help me build muscle?Greene: [sweats] um muscle? um sure yeah muscle

Poe: howard, you need to stop letting aleister pick on you Lovecraft: but he's twice my size! he's all buff cuz of all the mountain climbing!Poe: you could start working out?Lovecraft: you mean physical labor?Lovecraft: sport?!Lovecraft: [sweats] like a common cornishman?!?

Poe: you should try itPoe: a good regimen of rowing and swimming helped me build massBarker: oh come on edgarPoe: no really!Poe: [removes shirt, revealing he is super swole]Barker: Barker: oh rightBarker: right i forgot about that

Mary Shelley: listen up nerd you don't need exerciseShelley: what you need is one of these [flips switchblade]Poe: oh come on mary, what if he gets attacked when he doesn't have knife on him?Shelley: dunno, that's never come up

Shelley: next time aleister gives you shit, you give him one of these [pantomimes shivving]Poe: mary, violence never solved anythingShelley: it does if you're good at itPoe:Barker: ah ha ha she's got you there edgar

Lovecraft: Darn it! I'm sick and tired of being a scarecrow! William Hope Hodgson says he can give me a real body. all right! i'll gamble a stamp and get his free bookLovecraft: i'll just not eat this week to afford the stamp

William Hope Hodgson: are you "fed up" with seeing the huskies walk off with the best of everything?Hodgson: sick and tired of being soft, frail, skinny or flabby?Hodgson: i know because i myself was once a puny 97 pound "runt"Hodgson: today, I am two separate gorillas

Hodgson: give me 5 weeks and my body building plan will turn YOU into the bronzed adonis you were meant to beHodgson: through a dynamic combination of cardiovascular training, lifting big kegs, and standing in the desert while getting your balls tanned by an ultraviolet machine

Lovecraft: wow, how's you get so buff??Hodgson: from constant brawling during my navy daysLovecraft: w-waitLovecraft: you're a sailor??Hodgson: yeah you should know from my popular lecture series about how much the navy fuckin sucks assLovecraft: [sweats]

Hodgson: ugh, i tell youHodgson: it's just impossible to pay the bills with pseudoscience fitness programs catering to mens' insecuritiesHodgson: i'm gonna pivot to weird fiction insteadHodgson: that's where the big money is

Hodgson: what if a bunch of pig men attacked a big houseSmith: [on phone] hey clark ashton? it's me! your cousin! marvin smith!Smith: you know that new horror genre you're been looking for? Smith: well, listen to this! [aims phone at hodgson]