Midnight Pals: Linehan Arrested (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: tonight i want to talk about the ssscourge of ssslightly taller than average department sstore clerksss Rowling: when will we be free of thiss long national nightmare? Kathleen Stock: a just question, my liege!

Rowling: in fact i [cell phone ringing] Stock: your mobile is ringing Rowling: my what Stock: your mobile Stock: its what we call cell phones here in britain Rowling: oh right right of courssse

Stock: [cell phone ringing] oh weird my mobile is also ringing Helen Joyce: [cell phone ringing] mine too! Rowling: [cell phone ringing] sstrange, who could be desperately trying to reach all of us? Rowling: [cell phone ringing] Rowling: [cell phone ringing, narrowing eyes] fuckin linehan

Graham Linehan: mommy mommy please pick up please pick up Rowling: what iss it thiss time graham Rowling: thiss better be good Rowling: you interrupted the grand unveiling of my final ssolution for sslightly too tall department sstore clerkss

Linehan: mommy mommy i've been arrested please come pick me up i need an adult Rowling: you've been arresssted? Linehan: yes! Linehan: by the notoriously pro-trans british police! Rowling: oh yeah the biasss is obviousss

Rowling: an obviouss misscarriage of jussstice Rowling: the time hass come Rowling: for too long, we have osstracized graham for being an unhinged embarrassssement for the terf causse Rowling: but now Rowling: i think he's exactly the right amount of unhinged embarrasssment for the terf caussse!

Rowling: now is clearly the time to throw our sssupport behind graham, as an obvious victim of police overreach Linehan: i recorded the whole incident! Rowling: oh good! Rowling: graham'ss own wordss will exonerate him and prove that we're really definitely making the right move to sstand with him

Rowling: play the tape graham Linehan tape: "I'LL FUCKING MURDER... FUCK FUCK KILL DEATH... I'LL KILL YOU ALL, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU IN THE JURY... TRAS CONTROL THE FREE MASONS!!! FUCK KILL ARGLE BARGLE FART" Linehan: what do you think? do i have a case? Rowling: Rowling: Rowling:

Allison Bailey: mr linehan i'd like to represent you Bailey: i am a serious lawyer or, as we call them in england, a banister who has argued many cases in court Linehan: wow! did you win them?Bailey: i have Bailey: i have argued many cases in court

Bailey: the big question, mr linehan, when the police arrested you, did they or did they not [briefcase falls open, spaghetti dumps out] Rowling: oh wow didn't expect that Rowling: never ssaw that fuckin