Midnight Pals: By Volume (Patreon)

[scottish castle] JK Rowling's agent: hey joanne agent: you wanted to see me? JK Rowling: yesss Rowling: i want to enquire Rowling: how are sssales of the hallmarked man? agent: agent: sales of what? Rowling: the latesst cormoron ssstrike book agent: agent: you're still writing cormoron strike?

Rowling: of courssse i'm sstill writing cormoran ssstrike booksss! Rowling: it'ss my main thing! agent: i thought you pivoted entirely to posting? Rowling: no i'm sstill writing cormoran ssstrike!! Rowling: you should know thisss! Rowling: you're my agent!!!

agent: listen, joanne, i've got bad news about the hallmarked man agent: it didn't crack any major bestseller lists Rowling: that doessn't make ssensse Rowling: don't they know it wass written by me, JK Rowling?

Rowling: sseriously, it'ss a book by JK Rowling Rowling: isssn't there ssome ssort of law that people have to buy it? Rowling: if not, there should be Rowling: i'm going to get right on that Rowling: i mean, how much could that possssibly cosst?

Rowling: oh wait wait i think i know the problem Rowling: maybe people don't know that robert galbraith is actually jusst my pen name Rowling: i mean, i have been so coy about that agent: no i uh agent: agent: yeah actually sure that could be it

Rowling: sseriousssly, i don't underssstand Rowling: don't people want more thrilling sexy adventuresss with britain'sss number one playboy detective cormoran sstrike? Rowling: don't they hunger for more ssceness of rich people endlessssly talking at fancy restaurantsss?

Rowling: thiss isss the book where cormoran sstrike finally confesssess hiss feelings for robin ellacot! Rowling: we've been doing thiss will they/won't they dance for eight bookss! Rowling: people are really invessted in thiss!! agent: Rowling: THEY'RE REALLY INVESSTED IN THISS!!

agent: it's not that people aren't invested, joanne agent: it's just that agent: ever since you were replaced as the UK's top selling author-- Rowling: ONLY BY VOLUME! agent: uh yes agent: since you were replaced as the UK's top selling author by volume by- Rowling: DON'T SSAY THE NAME

Rowling: DON'T SSAY THE NAME! I FORBID ANYONE TO SSPEAK THAT NAME IN MY SSCOTTISH CASSSTLE!!! [phone rings] Rowling: agent: Rowling: agent: Rowling: agent: um aren't you going to answer that? Rowling: NO Rowling: I KNOW WHO THAT IS

Rowling: [answers phone] hello? Julia Donaldson: hi is there a Ms. NottheUK'sbestsellingauthorbyvolume there Donaldson: first name Ima Rowling: hold on, i'll check

Rowling: ima! ima nottheuk'sbestsellingauthorbyvolume! Rowling: Rowling: wait a ssecond Donaldson: [blowing airhorn] GET GRUFFALOED BITCHHHH Rowling: GODDAMNIT!!! Rowling: if i ever find out who thiss iss, i'm going to buy sso many ssupreme court decisionss againsst you!!!