Midnight Pals: Nestlings (Patreon)

Nat Cassidy: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the nestlings
Cassidy: a young couple moves into a historic gothic new York apartment building
Cassidy: but the neighbors have sinister designs on their baby
Ira Levin:

Ira Levin: hey wait a minute
Cassidy: i know but this time it's different
Cassidy: there's vampires
Stephen King: hey wait a minute

Cassidy: there's another difference too
Cassidy: its about a nice Jewish couple
Barker: ha ha oh i bet howard has something to say about that
Lovecraft: I do, in fact!
Poe: no you don't
Lovecraft: but i
Poe: you don't
Poe: clive, don't encourage him

King: oh yeah, i heard there was a discourse about this
King: about if vampires are anti-semitic
King: like is dracula supposed to be jewish
Bram Stoker: we've been over this before
Stoker: Dracula isn't anti-semitic, it's anti-sex

Stoker: it's all about how sex is bad
Stoker: unlike some vampires come lately
Anne Rice: i regret nothing

Stoker: i certainly hope these vampires of yours aren't all sexy
Cassidy: don't worry
Cassidy: they only reproduce via a meat wall in the basement
Stoker: oh good-
Stoker: wait what

Lovecraft: so the vampires are jewish right?
Cassidy: no!
Cassidy: they're rich celebrities who secretly control the world
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: so
Poe: don't say it howard

Cassidy: these vampires are different
Cassidy: first of all, they're a metaphor for the rich parasitically living off the poor
Barker: that's all vampires
Cassidy:
Cassidy: ok but also they're weird bug people
Barker: ok yeah that is pretty different
Barker: i'll give you that one

Cassidy: as the couple is menaced by vampires, they consider and then discard multiple courses of action
Cassidy: just in case you were wondering why they ultimately settled on their decision
Cassidy: allow me to explain their logic in rejecting each alternative possibility
Cassidy: i anticipated all your questions

Cassidy: the couple uses the door to enter their apartment
Cassidy: now you might wonder, why don't they enter through the window?
Cassidy: it's because they live on the top floor
King: whoa! good explanation

King: you thought of everything!
Cassidy: no goddamn goodreads nerd is gonna catch me in a gotcha, i'll tell you that
Cassidy: now you also might be wondering
Cassidy: why don't they burrow up through the floor

Cassidy: you know, i did a one man show about you, howard
Lovecraft: i don't like the idea of an Irishman playing me
Cassidy: oh i'm not irish
Lovecraft: but then what
Cassidy:
Lovecraft: what are
Cassidy:
Lovecraft: [sweats]