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Bonus 4 - Strategies (Patreon)

Published:
2018-08-20 21:42:23
Edited:
2025-05-18 02:52:38
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

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Content

We set up scenarios and describe our strategies to deal with them - from superpowers and magic to friendships and pants-pooping. TUNE IN!

Comments

Richard Wolfe

I would very quickly devolve to supervillain status with the Superman powers. I give it about 4 hours and there'd be some new nation called Latveria with me as its wizard king.

Mandy Reznor (She/It)

Okay, guys, since you asked, how about this hypothetical: you awaken one day to find curled up next to you--instead of your wife--what seems to be another man. After the initial panic (which here is assumed to stir the sleeper) the bewildered person claims to be your wife. They do have a somewhat androgynous resemblence to your wife, they know personal things only she could possibly know, and they seem sincerely confused and upset. What would you do? (And assuming you were eventually convinced they are your wife, and the condition persists indefinetly, how would you handle...err, intimacy?)

Steve

I like that the tags are Chan, Burriesci and strategy. I guess Jackie better watch out if he thinks he can get the better of Matt.

Steven Vincent

I had no idea Lenard Nimoy was a fellow magician and, like me, a master of the classic bubbles from the empty hat trick 🎩 PS... I can do seven

Jason Thompson

This is like the Chris & Chad Roleplaying Game!!

Forrest Rush

umm, this hasn't shown up in my podcast feed yet guys :(

Ilker Yucel

Y'know... Nimoy WAS a magician - he played The Great Paris in two seasons of Mission: Impossible. ;)

Mary Kate Jenkins

Several years ago some friends and I had a conversation very similar to this one. However all of the scenarios we constructed were centered around a large in ground swimming pool, 10 feet deep with $20 million dollars at the bottom, which was then either filled with water or not filled with water in some sort of combination alongside a deadly combatant. The conversation went like this “would you get into the pool if it was full of 6 angry lions? What about an empty pool full of sharks wearing reverse scuba tanks? Or an empty pool full of provoked rabid koalas? What if the koalas were on fire and may not notice you?” This episode brought back a lot of funny memories, keep on doing what you do and maybe someday we’ll be pooping in line waiting to see you two.

Sanjay Mathew

Kudos on not flinching from the possible distasteful elements of having to actually have a conversation with Lovecraft. Far too many people who appreciate his work somehow feel they have to idolise the man and be apologists for his vile attitudes.

Allison Albright

I would keep that $250k. I have student loans. The cartel would have to come and take it back if they dared.

Phil Estabrook

Leonard Nimoy, enraged that his smoke bubble trick has been trumped, releases his dogs on Matt. Slinging his hat away, Matt reveals that it is indeed true, that the only thing he is better at than creating five smoke bubbles is vanquishing canines in mortal combat.

Ben Mund

Re: the ONJ / toxic waste truck scenario. If empowered with Superman's abilities, I would fly counterclockwise around the sun, go back in time, and teach those gross assholes to clean the cat poop off their carpet.

CoolToad

Great episode, guys! Very enjoyable. Also, please create a separate life advice podcast so I can listen every week in hopes of saving my stupid worthless ass.

Sweatin' to the Great Oldies

Never go for the immortality unless it's the Dracula sort. You really don't want to live forever without a couple of really important extras: 1) You don't age AND your appearance continues to be that of a typical human. The human body pretty much has an upper limit of 115 years old. And even if you take real good care of it, things start to deteriorate to the point where you really won't even be recognized as human. Nosferatu anyone? Plus, of course, everyone else continues to evolve. You don't want to be the weird hairy freak in a silver-jumpsuited future of beautiful people. 2) You remain at peak physical ability and are invulnerable to damage of any sort. You really really really really don't want to live with your limbs rotting off your horribly burned torso riddled with disease and the PTSD of having watched everyone you ever love be destroyed. 3) You cannot be trapped. There's nothing worse than falling into a hole and having to live down there for a few millennia. If you've got #2 sorted, then at least you won't go mad. You'll just be bored and isolated and miss everything worth living for until somebody happens to find you or there's an earthquake that frees you or... 4) You can call it quits and decide to die when you want to. If you can't do this, then you know what the future holds. The universe dies around you and still, there you are. Even worse than being trapped. You're trapped in the void. Being Superman sounds like a real drag to me. You're obviously responsible for the happiness and well-being of every single creature on the planet. You can go back in time and save everyone. Why don't you? You can prevent all hunger. All disease. All want. Why wouldn't you? Congratulations - you're a deity. Which means I'd definitely play Old Testamenty dude. Wiping out civilizations. Snapping my Thanos fingers like a beat poetry satire. So here's a scenario for you: An advertiser wants to sponsor your show. Their product is bunk. A scam. You're 99% sure of it. A legal scam - mind you. Perhaps some MLM reverse funnel horror show. Their offer is big. Really big. Change your life big. Do you sell out the show for guaranteed comfort and the ability to do the kind of work - to be the kind of person - that you always wished?

STACIE SWANEY

Were you guys high when you did this show?

Daisy

Weirdly, this may be my favourite episode ever. It’s like the reason I’ve listened all these years has been distilled down to its very essence and then it fills an entire episode. Your humor and personalities are why I listen and support. Oh, and I’m going for immortality. It wouldn’t even bother me to be in my forties for eternity. I’m wiser and more experienced. Immortality at 17-25 would have been wasted on me. An idiot forever! And I would totally let ONJ get hit by that truck. I mean, I would call out, “hey, look out,” but I’m not running or jumping. I’ve learned some real life strategies here today. I’m using that razor blade line the next time I’m stuck in public with people.

Eldritch Scerry

Chad: "...They don't deserve to die just because they work for the Kingpin." In the tradition of still finding ways to reference the Spiderverse on a podcast dedicated to HP Lovecraft, some additional questions: 1) Due to careless oversight in laboratory procedure one of you becomes Spiderman. The other one, with years of accumulated jealousy and perceived insult, merges with an alien symbiote to become Venom. How does this impact the HP Lovecraft Literary Podcast? 2) Humiliated by Leonard Nimoy at a cocktail party, Executive Director at Providence Athenaeum Matt Burriesci dons the garb of Mysterio to exact his revenge on the entire cast of Star Trek. In what order does Mysterio vanquish the OG crew? In which dramatic setting does Spiderman stop Mysterio? And will Rachel still be forced watch Star Trek if they all die horribly? 3) Andrew Lehman’s voice projects both sympathy and gravitas. He seems the portrait of scholar and gentleman. Unfortunately, during the recording of a particularly intricate episode of Dark Adventure Radio Theatre a strange accident changes him from man to monster. Which villain in Spiderman’s Rogues Gallery does Mr. Lehman become, and why? 4) Bonus Question: Sony Pictures asks each of you to adapt your favorite Spiderman storyline into a stand-alone movie. Which story is it? Which villain(s) does it feature? And who do you cast as Aunt May?

Steven Moore

I agree as well that this would be my favorite Chris and chad episode. I would happily listen to this on a regular basis. As for the band member sleeping question it’s easy. Find the bass player. Slap him and ask how dare you presume to sleep in the guitarist spot. Slap him again and tell him to go spoon Donald and sing silently to him.

Billy

Loved this episode, however it was kind of hard for me to explain to my manager at work why I was laughing when he was leaning back with his feet on the table in the break room. Kind of would like to see a part 2 to this at some point, maybe even with Patton if that is possible?

Jeff C. Carter

One of my favorite episodes! It could probably stand alone as a comedy podcast, but it's all the better for the regular episodes that have come before it.

Ricardo Madrid

I always wanted to do the ending of "Reindeer Games" and walk from mailbox to mailbox depositing a thousand dollars in each.