I'm writing a book. But which one? (Patreon)

I've got that writer's itch. I want to write something tremendously stupid. Not some giant escapade, mind you. Rather, just 8,000 - 12,000 words of pointless, silly fun.

Here's the pitch: I've gone in 16 wildly different directions under the same theme: "The Adventures of Heather Beck (and Natalia and Olga)." Yeah, the girls are gonna go full anthropomorphized for this.

Swashbuckling time travel yarn? Empty headed chick-lit? Forgettable spy thriller? Japanese monster tale? I just can't decide! That's where you all come in.

Following are the 16 options. At the end of the post, you'll find a poll, where you'll click on your favorite. The 8 options with the most votes will move on to the bracket round! (Gotta give my little nod to the World Cup, after all). The poll is open until Friday, July 3, at midnight eastern time.

I'll fire up the typewriter -- tell me what to write! (And yes, all three of the protagonists will have huge boobs -- don't ever tell me I don't know my audience! :-P )

(Disclaimer: I steer away from AI in my posts. You guys deserve the real thing, in words and images. But for this project, I decided to make an exception with these cover mockups -- which is what they are, just mockups, which were amusing to create, and gave me a chuckle along the way. That said, the winning book will have a custom cover that I will personally commission and pay for, to a real artist who is spending their real time creating it. Needless to say, as is my custom, not a word of the final book will come close to touching ChatGPT.)

Without any further ado...

Option 1: Three Midnights in Karlstejn

Just outside of Prague, mystery lurks with brooding intent. What is the mystery? It must have been mentioned at some point, right? Is there a McGuffin? Are the protagonists just trying to find... themselves? Is the world even on fire? Are the stakes high? Colin Firth could have at lease popped in for some exposition.

Option 2: It's the Last Summer Before College: Wanna See a Dead Body in the Woods?

Pretty self-explanatory. A little bit of Nancy Drew meets "Stand By Me." Real coming-of-age yarn, this one. The kind where, if it was a movie, the ending would have one of those voiceovers that tell you where everyone ended up after they all went their separate ways.

Option 3: Holy Shit! A Giant Squid?!?!!1!

A comic book novelization. Imagine something written by Alan Moore, if he'd been kicked in the head by a mule when he was a kid. Very midcentury, just filled with deuses ex machina and over-dramatic encounters.

Option 4: Coitus and the Greater Metropolitan Area

Just three different stereotypes, doing their best to navigate life in the big city. But, like, OhMyGod, when Mr. Fiasco, Heather's long-lost boyfriend, steps back into the picture, will these three chums stay chummy? Or will they snarkily vent their grievances over brightly colored drinks?

Option 5: The Rambunctious Gals of Gunslinger Hollow

Life was mighty peaceful in Gunslinger Hollow -- that is until a trio of the tootin'est, treasonous troublemakers you ever did see stumbled their way through town. Now, true to it's name, Gunslinger Hollow has turned into a downright whisky-soaked firefight -- heck, even the ground has a gun! (This is why AI will never defeat us.)

Option 6: Samurai Swords & Savory Snacks

All the girls wanted was a bowl of ramen and a little peace, content that their lives as samurai masters were well behind them. Until Sashimi-San came back into the picture, with his goons, no less. Now, our feisty heroines have to pull out their swords one more time, for a final epic battle. But will the ramen stay warm? And what of the gyoza?!

Option 7: The Exact Same Plot as Ocean's 12

After a heist gone sour, the girls owe a Casino magnate a hefty debt. The only way to pay it off? Challenge the world's greatest thief to a competition: who can be the first to steal a priceless Faberge egg from the museum... And who can do it with the most style?

Option 8: We Really Should Have Left

The company put together a work retreat at an off-season summer camp. But all is not tranquil at Pinewood Lake, where every horror villain has gathered to have a reunion of their own! Something must have gone wrong in the reservation office, because this looks like a double-booking... Of Death!

Option 9: The One Where There's a Time Machine and Dinosaurs

Just... Don't read into this one too much. There's a time machine. The girls all squeeze into it, and they go back in time to kill dinosaurs with just alllll the weapons. Screw you, causality!

Option 10: Three Conditions of Silence

The Dorothy Bumpkin book that got popular after being turned into a film by Barnaby Flummery. It tells the story of three women who smoke cigarettes while gazing outside, into the rain, which is symbolic. At one point, one of the characters walks in the rain. Will it cleanse her soul? She cries, which is also symbolic. Of her ennui. There is also a mime.

Option 11: Houston, We have Three Problems!

After accidentally stowing away on a rocket ship bound for Mars, what sorts of zero-gravity, space-faring shenanigans will the gals get into this time?

Option 12: Tokyo Has Had Better Tuesdays

The citizens are terrified when three buxom kaiju robots emerge from the sea -- but the scientists are apparently very, very excited! Tiny Tanks! Buildings getting squashed! EYEBALL LASEERRRSSS!

Option 13: The Third-Best Bordello in All of Sioux City, Iowa.

It's just another slow night at Sweetie's House of Hospitality, where the three most popular girls are contenting themselves with creating crazy new cocktails -- that is until a strange out-of-towner comes through the door!

Option 14: Christmas at The Candle Barn

They were just three sisters from the quiet hamlet of Smallburgh, putting the pieces back together after their shop, The Candle Barn, ironically burned to the ground. As if life wasn't hectic enough, a business man sweeps in from Commerce City to make this trio an offer they can't refuse!

Option 15: There Has Been Another Vicar.

Good Heavens! Life in Bloustershire used to be so peaceful. All 609 people in this quaint little village used to be on such good terms. That is, until the Vicar was murdered -- that's the third Vicar this month! Thankfully, three of the tea-sippingest mystery writers in England happen to be on the case, and there's yet to be a crime they've not been able to solve!

Option 16: A Race Against Time to Recover the Artifact!

The artifact is in the wind! And there's only so much time to recover it before the other guys do! And then, only fuck knows what'll happen! Will our intrepid heroines have the brains and sense of adventure to trot the globe and get that thing back? The clock is ticking!

Alright! Time to Vote on Your Favorite!