TV Multiverse 106 (Patreon)

After helping Claire solve her business problem, he found himself with nothing to do, because the agreed meeting time with Haley and Rachel was two hours after midnight.

It took quite a lot of willpower not to check what they were planning, because their excitement made it apparent that it was a big one. He didn’t want to ruin their surprise, but that needed a distraction.

Luckily, he had the perfect group to distract him from his woes. One that had been neglecting for a bit in his busy schedule. He made sure to call them regularly, checking to make sure they followed their program, but spending time with them would be fun.

When he arrived at his destination, he found them already waiting. Leonard, Howard, and Raj. The science trio.

Even from a distance, seeing them put a smile on his face. They had changed. Nothing too extreme, but it was a miracle how much difference better posture, a few pounds of muscle, and better fashion choices could make.

Leonard already had the least amount of work required among the trio. His biggest problem had always been his lack of confidence, and his new posture went a long way to conceal that fact.

He didn’t look like he apologized for taking up space in the world anymore. Of course, a stylish blazer and better glasses also helped immensely.

Comparatively, Howard looked like an entirely different person, but that wasn’t hard to do after getting rid of his horrid haircut, and stopped dressing like the punchline from an eighties comedy sketch.

Frankly, even with his attraction maximized, he wasn’t sure he could pull off Harold’s old sense of fashion.

Raj looked different as well. His shyness had turned into a more somber, sensitive aura without his reflex to run away from every woman. He always had a decent fashion sense, and adjusting the general theme worked wonders.

“Wow, it doesn’t smell like a perfume factory after a skunk attack. I must be doing something right,” he said as he approached them.

“We had to burn Howard’s whole collection,” Raj said.

“It triggered a biohazard alert,” Leonard added in a deadpan tone.

“Good one, Leonard, save it for the ladies,” he said. “Are you ready for your final exam? It’s time to see Charlie had taught you guys well enough.”

Raj sighed. “I miss Charlie. Since he started dating that woman, he’s been neglecting us.” Ethan didn’t need to ask who Charlie was dating, as he had already picked it from the grapevine. It was Myra Melnick, sister of famously hapless Herb Melnick, who had moved to Los Angeles after his little meddling of offering a better job.

Leonard poked Raj’s side. “Don’t be possessive. It’s a new relationship. It’s normal.”

“I don’t see the point of it. I mean, he is a chick magnet, why suddenly start dating regularly,” Howard added.

“Because you’re in a different stage of your life. You’ll understand at one point,” Ethan said.

That made all three look at him as if he had said something absurd. “You’re saying that?”

Ethan shrugged, not wanting to spend hours explaining how Charlie’s self-destructive spiral was different than his weirdly crowded yet emotionally stable life. “Hey, I said I understood. Not that I plan to repeat it anytime soon. Now, are you ready for a night of fun?”

“Of course,” Howard said.

“Now, what’s the rules,” he reminded.

“The first one: don’t assume any single lady is interested in company, and even if they are looking for fun, don’t assume that they are interested in us.”

“Exactly, at bars, rejection is part of the game. How about the next one?”

“Never hit on a drunk woman, and always call for help in case of distress,” Raj said.

“True,” Ethan said. “Seducing and preying are different things. What about next?”

“We’re not in middle school anymore, and this is not a playground. We don’t need to run away at the first threat whenever a tall guy tries to muscle in on our talk. But, evacuate quickly if the girl start asking about how much he exercises.”

“Yep, that’s usually the death knell,” Ethan confirmed. “And, the last one?”

“In emergencies, strategic insults,” Raj said.

“But, never to the ladies. It’s a way to brag about our real achievements, not about making others bad. Like teasing Howard about designing a toilet for the space station.”

He chuckled. “As a general principle, always avoid mentioning bodily functions. Just claim it is a water filtration system or something. It’s true enough. Also, don’t start going on about comic characters unless she’s interested. Seeing one Marvel movie doesn’t suddenly make them interested in how Rune King Thor scales against Prime Superman.”

“Actually—“ Leonard started, but stopped when he raised his head. “What, you can’t ask us to stop after throwing such a perfect hypothetical?”

Ethan laughed again. “I’m fine discussing that as well, but not as part of a bar crawl. One or the other.”

The other two looked at Leonard in silent warning. “Fine, but I’m tabling the discussion until our next comic book trip,” Leonard said and turned to him. “And, you have to come as well.”

“Fine. Assuming I’m in Los Angeles, I’ll come,” he promised. Then, as they walked in, he smirked. “By the way, we’re making Leonard pay, right?”

“Of course,” Howard responded. “He came up with a little trick to run a weekend experiment faster, and suddenly, he sold a patent for six million dollars. Of course he’s paying!”

Ethan watched, amused by how little importance they placed on money. That was something they had even before he came. Frankly, if they wanted to make money rather than solving interesting problems, they would clear seven-figures just by working in a tech company, possibly even more.

He admired that, which was why he helped Leonard with the patent application. He even put some extra pressure on Caltech without Leonard even learning it to grease the wheels.

It was surprising how influential one could be when he could follow basic scientific principles and political balance of the school at the same time.

“Ethan, is this deal one of the things we can use as an insult, because I don’t know how to turn six million dollars into an insult.”

“It’s easy to turn into an insult. You can just claim that he has missed a bigger deal or something, but it’s still no go.”

“Why?” Howard asked.

“Leonard, do you want to answer it for the class?” Ethan offered.

Leonard’s expression tightened as he tried to solve the issue. “They would think it’s a lie?” he said, his tone indecisive.

“Yep. Talking about big deals and casting opportunities always sounds like a lie, and only bimbos believe it.”

Howard chuckled. “What’s wrong with bimbos?”

“Nothing, but we should have gone for a different place if you’re looking for bimbos,” he said. “This bar is more balanced.”

“Fine, but next time, we’re going for bimbos,” Howard said.

“Just a warning, I’ll do my best to fade into the background,” he warned.

“Why?” Raj asked, and he raised an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah, we look like muppets next to you.”

Ethan shrugged, as he had a point. Even before the System had transformed him, he had a marked advantage. Luckily, his Conscious Dimming perk was a lifesaver as always. “Don’t diss the Muppets; they are globally loved for a reason,” he said instead. “Be more like the Muppets.”

They entered the bar after giving their names to the bouncer. They were on the list thanks to a last-minute call; another perk of fame and social status.

Together, they moved to the bar, ready to order, but seeing the beautiful bartender, Howard looked excited. “Don’t hit the bartender,” he warned Howard.

“Why? Is it wrong?”

“Not unless you get pushy.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“You’re here for the level forty raid, and she’s the final boss with a big red skull,” he explained.

Howard nodded in fake-seriousness. “Now, this is a dating guide I can follow. Any chance of power-leveling?”

They settled near the bar, asking for a nice bottle for the celebration. The guys didn’t start looking for partners immediately, happy to chat about work. “I still can’t believe you got seventy million from one lawsuit,” Howard whispered after chatting about work. “I mean, seventy million.”

He smiled. “Negotiations are like chess. It doesn’t matter how many pieces you have. The important part is where your pieces are, and let’s just say I had a nice fork positioned to ruin his big project, and he was willing to let go of a few percentage points of his total worth.”

“Wait, a few percentage points?” Raj asked. “How rich was that guy?”

“Billionaire, but barely. I would be surprised if his net worth is over three billion in a favorable valuation,” he said.

That made Howard chuckle. “Barely, he says.”

“I don’t understand why I’m the one paying, then. By that count, I’m barely a millionaire. Still in single digits,” Leonard bragged, his smile wide.

Howard chuckled. “I’m certainly not going to pay, I’m the poorest one here,” he said.

Raj interrupted. “Hey, you had that engineering consulting project poised to pay you six hundred thousand for fifteen days of work. I’m actually the poorest,” he bragged, which was technically correct. “Unlike you heathens, I’m a pure scientist.”

It just ignored the fact that he came from a family that was richer than the Bass Family, and poised to inherit a true fortune.

Ethan found himself laughing even more than he expected at the argument over who deserved the title of poorest. Ironically, he had found similar talks back in New York banal and boring, but there was one difference.

Ultimately, none of those guys really cared about money. Raj was the only one who ever used his money for luxury, and even that was more out of habit than an actual need. If he needed to, he could live just as easily without luxury. He would grumble and moan … but that it was just Raj being Raj.

He loved complaining.

"I don't mooch," Raj said with playful, wounded dignity. "I make my own money. Just, as a good son, I can’t turn my mother down if she wanted to send me the occasional small gifts.”

“Gifts that include a platinum Amex card.”

Raj smirked. “As I said, small gifts. It’s barely three by two inches. Smaller than a palm.”

It was fun to see the guys in action, and for a moment, he was tempted to blow the night and turn the game into an impromptu all-nighter D&D game as floated randomly, but as fun as the guys were, he had no intention of blowing off Rachel and Haley, especially after what happened midday.

So, after two drinks each, just enough to keep everyone nice and relaxed without getting sloppy, they turned their attention to the crowd. “Alright, boys. The targets?”

“How about her?” Raj pointed at a lady on the corner.

“Isn’t she a bit—“ Howard started, but Ethan flicked his ear.

“Curvy, Howard. The word you’re looking for is curvy, and there’s nothing wrong with it as long as it’s not just about an easy score.”

Raj avoided their gaze with a blush that was too amusing. It was clear that he liked curvier woman, which, at first, came Ethan as a surprise, as he hadn’t shown such inclination on the show. But then, in the show, Raj had always cared more about what other people thought, desperate to fit in, rather than actually embracing what he truly liked.

“Alright. Leonard, you’re the wingman. Go introduce him,” he said.

“Right now?” Raj said.

“Yep,” Ethan said, pointing at the corner, where two other guys were watching the same woman, but from their expressions, their attention was more about a quick score rather than genuine attraction. “Just don’t overpromise or lie. You’re there for a fun talk and see what happens, nothing else. If she’s not interested, or changes her mind after twenty minutes, it’s not the end of the world.”

It was why he insisted on being around with them. Partially to protect their ego in the case of stumbling blocks, and partially to make sure they didn’t start developing some ugly habits.

He hummed, watching as Leonard and Raj chatted the girl. Before Leonard could even return, another girl entered the bar, a tall blonde that probably pressed every single attraction trigger Leonard still carried as a card-carrying nerd.

The blonde walked to her friend’s side with sharp determination, only for it to fade away after she joined. He couldn’t read their lips due to the angle, but the body language made the story obvious. She moved to save her friend, only to get caught by Leonard’s charm, which, ironically, only worked when he wasn’t actually trying.

Luckily, he was still under the impression that he was the wingman as he stuck around. “That’s a done deal,” Ethan said.

“Are you sure? Already?” Howard said, wistful and jealous.

“Well, they can still snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, but hopefully, they have that much common sense,” he said.

“How about my wingman?” Howard frowned.

Ethan patted Howard’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll help. Pick one, and I’ll help,” he said.

“How about her?” Howard said, pointing at the blonde bombshell that caught everyone’s attention the moment she walked in.

He didn’t blame Howard, as the blonde in question already looked spectacular, amazing hair, even more amazing body, and the kind of face that could convince a man to commit murder.

It didn’t help that she was wearing a tiny red dress with an impressive cleavage, complete with fishnets and leather boots, leaving people wondering whether she was a model or a very expensive call girl.

Sarah Walker was amazing, which was why he was ready to allow Howard’s lapse of judgment. She must have left after a mission, not one that went as well as she had hoped, if her attitude was any indication.

“Only if you want to break Icarus’ record of arrogance,” he said.

“Really? Why?”

“Well, three reasons. First, while calling someone out of one’s league is unnecessarily reductive for real relationships, bars and clubs are a bit different. You have improved tremendously, but you’re still a college student, and she’s one of the millennium challenges.”

“Well, that’s a bummer,” Howard said, but he didn’t mind any. After all, if there was one thing Howard never lacked, it was the courage to take chances. Holding him back was the real challenge.

“The second problem is bigger. Her body language. If you manage to look past her beauty, you’ll see that she’s frustrated and radiating contempt toward anyone stupid enough to make themselves a target.”

“Really? With that dress?”

“Yep,” he said. “Think of her as a model who had just left work and was frustrated.”

“I see,” he said. Then, he stopped. “And, what’s the third?”

“Well, she’s a friend of mine, so I’ll probably go talk to her after we find you a partner.”

“You … her … of course,” Howard said. “She’s your type.”

“Just a friend, Howard, you know I don’t kiss and tell—“ he started, then paused. “Wait, I have a type?”

Howard opened his mouth, then paused. “Wait, does jaw-droppingly beautiful count as a type, because I don’t remember ever seeing you with a girl that others wouldn’t kill for.”

“I can ask Barney if you want, as he’s an expert on such questions, but I don’t think so,” he responded, too amused at Howard approaching it with scientific rigor to stop.

“Who’s Barney?” Howard asked.

“He’s a friend from New York. He has a little blog about such stuff.”

Howard scoffed. “Another wannabe trying to copy Barney’s Blog, I presume.”

Ethan paused. “Actually, knowing Barney, it’s probably the original one. Is the writer obsessed with suits and magic, as well as a playbook.”

Howard’s eyes widened. “Barney Stinson?” he asked. Ethan nodded. “You know Barney Stinson! The Barney Stinson!”

“As I said, a friend,” Ethan said, deciding not to mention exactly how he ‘defeated’ Barney. He suspected Howard couldn’t handle it. “But, if you want to, I’ll arrange a meeting. Barney will like you guys—“

That was all he was able to say before he felt a dainty yet surprisingly strong hand on his chin, forcibly twisting his head. As Sarah kissed him, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her onto his lap.

“Just a friend, my ass,” Howard mumbled and retreated, but hearing the humor in his tone, Ethan didn’t try to stop him. Especially since he could sense Sarah’s kiss was not just a playful trick, or even something she was doing for a mission.

She was distraught. She just used her perfect spy skills to cover that up perfectly, hiding it from anyone but him.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Howard actually stopping to chat with a beautiful girl, no doubt complaining about his ‘traitor’ friend selling him out. A good play, which meant he could stop thinking about them. That particular mission was complete, and he could actually focus on Sarah.

She needed some attention.

She pulled back a minute later, still sitting on his thigh. “Hello, Sarah. Long time no see,” he said.

“Hi, Ethan, what a coincidence,” she whispered, wearing the perfect seductress mask, leading him to believe that Chuck had dropped another ball in spectacular manner.

It looked like it was his job to fix it…