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Cases Please! (Patreon)

Published:
2024-09-30 16:36:35
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

Hey friends! Bailiff fill in the blank here to say that the Supreme Crit is convening this very afternoon. Please submit your brief (1-2 paragraphs, I beg!) case on this thread and we will bring you swift justice.

Comments

Feyza Craven

Oh holiest of holy Justices and dubious at best Bailiff Jonkob, I bring to you a case of inconsistent stances. I was running a session 1 of a short campaign set on the isle of Chult on my birthday. One of the encounters was a ruined dwarven trading post with zombies inside. It wasn’t difficult in that players were going down, just that zombies are big sacks of meat with a lot to chew through. When I started hitting the zombie’s Undead Fortitude ability, it shocked and startled the players as I started rolling almost exclusively nat 18s+. After the combat one player remarked that they didn’t like that mechanic and I should’ve kept it to once per zombie. I heartily disagree with this read. In a later game another one of the players from the birthday game was running a two shot or something of the like featuring a combat with more zombies. Those zombies also often stayed up with their Undead Fortitude ability. After the combat the player who originally commented about not liking it commented “So they just keep staying up? Thats zany, I like it.” This is just the most brazen example of their near constant criticality of my dming. Judges, and I guess Brailiff, am I right for being tilted about this players overcriticality of just my dming. Ps1: As I’m sure Justice Murphy will suggest, I’m also thinking of not playing with them anymore, but I don’t want to start a group from fresh because my current one is this player, a friend of the both of us (but complainer longer), and 2 friends of mine. Ps2: This player is both my roomate and we’ve been gaming together for 8 years and known each other for 10.

Banana Bread

To the brilliant legal minds of the court and the bailiff with a third-grade reading level, I present the Case of the Flakes! This may be an extremely familiar situation for many: a homebrew roll20 campaign I care very deeply about started half a year ago with a good group of six long-term players, nearly all of whom have had life happen to them to the point of not being able to make games at all. Most weeks, the choice came down to a solo session or no game at all. The creative blue-balls was getting to me as I DM the game and I feared the doom of the campaign overall, so I made the executive decision to add more players. The new players have been fantastic and the game has improved drastically, especially for me. So here is my query! Does the DM have the right to add players without consulting the party, even if it does improve the enjoyment and quality of the game?

Cited

To the honorable and effervescent crit Justices and the slimey bailiff Jerpent the Serpent. I bring you the case of Warhammer inclusion. I ran a campaign for a friend and their friends. At character creation, everyone made fairly normal D&D characters. But one wanted to flavor his character with Warhammer lore. I told him it was fine, and I could even introduce some Warhammer gods into the mix to make it interesting, despite my lack of Warhammer lore knowledge. He created his character, Tek. A Monk Lizardfolk directly inspired by Sotek, the Serpent God of Warhammer. His character kept in contact with Khorne, the Blood God who was trying to get into this world via Tek. A few sessions go by and Tek tells me privately out of game that he’d love to form a pact with Khorne in order to gain more strength. I oblige and begin writing up ideas and ways to make this enjoyable for not only him, but the other players as well. Some time passes, Things were not looking good for the party as they fought pirates, three of the five were down, the Ranger on death’s door and Tek hurting as well. Tek chose to pray to Khorne for guidance and strength, I used it as an opportunity for Khorne to speak to Tek in his mind and tell him that if he wanted strength to save his companions and win, he’d have to officially form a pact with Khorne himself to gain great strength. Justices, after hearing this, Tek’s player looked me right in the eye and with a slightly confused look said to me: “Why the fuck would I do that?” Taken off guard and even confused myself, I took a second to compose myself and told Tek that Khorne’s voice faded away. The Ranger ended up having some really good rolls and bringing back up their designated healer to turn the tides of the battle around and beating the pirates. But Tek’s player was fairly silent for the remainder of the game. I’m still confused and even slightly upset by this decision after months of this happening and even wonder if I messed up something he had planned but didn’t tell me. We have not played since. Justices, am I in the wrong for not communicating well enough to know what my players really want or am I lingering on this situation too much?

John Dean

To the wonderful Court Justices and their side piece Jack, I bring you the case of Strahd vs the Sentient Pudding. A few years ago, I was running Curse of Strahd for some friends. One of whom, was playing the Ooze race which he flavored as being sentient Tapioca. At some point during the campaign, he figured out that he needed to move house to a town about 30 minutes away. He also decided he no longer was going to play and he was going to try to end the campaign. He did not tell us this, however. When Strahd invited the party to dinner, everyone else agreed to dress up and bring some food to really get immersed in the dinner. The party was level five at this point. Tapioca’s player showed in dressed as “a hobo” (his words) because it’s what his character would do (none of the other characters would have had dress clothes either). He did have dress clothes available, he just didn’t want to wear them. After the dinner, Tapioca found Strahd’s crystal heart and tried to destroy it, to which Strahd came to defend it. I decided to have Strahd act more annoyed rather than just killing the character outright, but the player would not relent. Everyone else in the party left the castle which left Tapioca’s alone and throwing a fit that no one came to help him. My question for the wonderful justices is this: Should I have just let Tapioca die? Or was I right to spare him?

Austin

To the splendiferous Judges and Baliff Papa John! I present the case of the uncontestable check. Playing a game with a couple friends and a DM we had found online that we didn't know. Our party took a job from a shady fellow to get a valuable item from the back room of a casino. My plasmoid, circle of stars druid eventually got to the back rooms alone and found the item we needed. But I was attacked by the same shady fellow we had taken the job from. I got hit with a bunch of damage from a throwing knife so I retreated with the item and Misty stepped under the door back to my friends. As the DM allowed me to do this he rolled a Sleight of Hand check at the same time and got a Nat 20, he exclaimed that I Misty Step and appear by my friends but the item I had was gone. I didn't know how he was able to take it in the first place being at a distance when he attacked, but I said since I had it directly in my hands that it should have been a contested roll. I would also have to roll a Nat 20 but the DM didn't let me try. Later on in the session, (because we roll digital dice on Roll20) I could see the Sleight of Hand modifier for the shady fellow was a +20. I was a level 6 character so I had no chance of beating it regardless. Was I roped into an unwinnable situation facing a +20 Sleight of Hand or was Dice Christ against me by giving the DM a Nat 20 anyways?

2fastBicurious

To the most honorable justices and my burpless brethren the baby bailiff. . . Brad? May it please the court and give you all the most supreme crit. ;) I'd like to submit the case of the quiet Kenku. My table was running a home brew campaign and we were getting close to finding and fighting our BBEG. Our party included a kenku, Crowbar, who played by the mimic rules that he could only repeat words and sounds he had heard before. The BBEG was hidden away on another plane and to get to him, we had to enter a cave full of grueling puzzles and traps to reach a portal. We barely made it through alive. At the end of the cave, our DM announced that we would be silent and communicate only in written form or telepathically, (though no one one in our crew had the message cantrip). We were presented with a written riddle (think "speak friend and enter" style puzzle). Part of the riddle was solving for the answer, the other part was determining who could say the answer. If we answered wrong, or the wrong person spoke we were told the reaction would be TPK bad, and we were very weak already from the cave. We sat around the table passing notes, and determined the answer to the riddle was "Onomotopoeia" and the person to give the answer was a choice between either the youngest member of our party, or the physically smallest member of our party. The problem? Crowbar was both. Crowbar vehemently insisted there was no way he would have heard the word onomotopoeia before and therefore could not speak it. Our DM knew going into this that Crowbar was both the smallest and youngest and seemed to be gleeful about our predicament. After several pleas to both the DM and Crowbar to try to find a loophole we conceded we could not solve the puzzle currently. I suggested we take a long rest, exit the cave, teach Crowbar onomotopoeia, rest again, and come back, as it seemed the only solution. In the process, we ran out of potions on the way out, and on the way back our cleric, the party's only healer, went down, and she failed her death saves. My hexblade warlock attempted to call upon my patron for help without success. In the end only 3 party members of our 6 member crew, including myself and Crowbar made it to the end concious. Crowbar triumphantly said Onomotopoeia and the gate opened. Our session ended feeling empty and hollow. In real life there was a fight after the session. The players expressed we were upset at Crowbar for being so stubborn and at the DM for intentionally putting us in this situation. Crowbar argued that's how his character has always been and we shouldn't expect him to change because of a bad in game situation. The DM argued that we could have been teaching Crowbar words throughout the campaign before this so we wouldn't be here. I said it was an intentionally obscure word and we had no reason to teach it. Our DM laughed at me for being so upset, so I got up and left with the cleric, saying we were going to start a new campaign. Later, Crowbar texted me and said I had overreacted to a simple difficult scenario, and that if that's how I reacted when things didn't go my way, then no one would ever want me in their dnd party. I feel justified in being mad, but wonder if I didn't react too strongly. So I come to the mercy of the court asking, was I wrong to take the Murph response of "find new friends" or was my DM being unreasonable? I humbly await your judgement and accept whatever punishment I may receive.

Craig C.

To the esteemed judges and that guy that just works there, I think his name is Jonk. I bring you the case of the fizzled out flee. In our game, we are currently exploring a desert and happened upon an entrance to a tomb. The entrance was flanked by two sphinx statues. The music was on point. The entrance was mysterious. It was epic in its own right and really made us feel like we were playing through the Mummy. Torch in hand, I led the way into the dungeon. We eventually came into a room with a particularly nasty monster. I, a half-orc Vengeance Paladin, used my channel divinity Abjure Enemy and it failed its wisdom save. The next round, my character informed the party that he had an idea and asked if they wanted him to make it flee. They all cheered happily “yes!”. I ran to the opposite side of it and cast Command and said the word “Flee”. Again, it failed its wisdom save! I thought we had him. My intent was to make him flee, down the trapped hall and out of the dungeon entrance. We were all on the edge of our seats and you could hear a pin drop as the DM rolled the monsters wisdom save. Then the cheering when he failed. It was the highlight of the session. Or so we thought. Sadly, the DM informed us that nothing would happen and the spell would not have an effect due to the conflicting speed rules between Abjure Enemy and the Command spell. I was visibly distraught. And there was a collective “FUUUUUUCK” from the table. He did allow me to retcon after I mentioned my character would have known that by level 5 and instead of the word “flee” I sorrowfully used the word “drop” instead and disarmed him. The encounter ended with a slog fest that lasted a few rounds and ended in a not so climactic way. Am I right to be irritated or was my DM justified in fizzling my flee? I humbly await your judgement.

Aly

PvP mouse-capades Greetings Honorable crit justices and hi bailiff jake. I present the case of PvP mousy metagaming My group was planning waterdeep dragon heist, where the party receives a manor/tavern as payment for a job. While we were discussing funds to fix up the tavern, our ranger, who was a mousefolk (a build the player found online) said "artificer has gems that will easily pay for the repairs". But this was metagaming, because the artificer had found the gems on a dead body and didnt tell anyone. Instead of correcting herself, the ranger doubled down and said because she has squeak speak from being a mousefolk, the mice in the tavern told her the artificer had the gems. This caused our already paranoid conspiracy theory obsessed artificer to set up traps around their room, and with DM's permission rolled a die to see how many mice they trapped. To try and prevent future metagaming with this excuse, i had my druid change into a mouse and tell the mice that the ranger was using them, and that by speaking to her, their lives were in danger. The ranger said this was "too meta gamey" and why would the mice believe me over her. I argued to opposite, and said my response was reasonable even in game because she told us she was talking to the mice, and knowing mice were dying my druid would want to save them. Did I metagame to hard in response to her metagaming?

Just some girl

To the humble and gracious judges and the could be more humble bailiff… Jeremy was it? I bring you the case of the favorite player. I am in small group of four and we have been playing together for years. However, recently the dm and one player have gotten quite close and talk extensively building lore surrounding backstory outside of sessions, which has led to that players character being the focus of the last two arcs. We also previously have role played secret or private conversations over discord at the table to prevent meta gaming but now they do it for every conversation that another pc isn’t around for, these discord rps can sometimes last ~awhile~ it’s beginning to feel like we are just there to watch their campaign. So judges, am I in the wrong and being too main character hungry? Or has my dm fallen into the trap of hyper fixation?

Michael

Dear Justices and that Sprusy twat, I present that case of “that good dick and his lying DM.” I have been seeing this guy (who’s got that good dick) and we have bonded over our love of Dnd. He would always talk about how amazing his DM’s (who is also his roommate) campaign and world building is. It has been going well enough that I was invited to join a session one night. I was excited because as a forever DM I was looking forward to being a player.It was fun but I couldn’t help but notice how familiar the campaign and even his bits/jokes sounded. Then it hit me, he was copying Buhuima Campaign 1. At the end of the session all the players praised the DM how original his world and characters are. As I was leaving the DM offered to give me tips or advice on any of my campaigns. I was annoyed but I didn’t say anything cause didn’t want to mess up getting that fulfilling dick. I was invited back to play again and right before the session start, the beautiful dick guy I was seeing offered to the table that maybe I could DM a one shot for them, and before I could say anything, the DM loudly proclaimed that “I don’t play modules.” I was pissed. so when during the session, a member of the Chosen named Rosell gave me an autographed sword, I asked to check if it had a scying spell. The DM turned white and said he needed to end the session there. I was told by my horse like dick friend that the DM doesn’t want me coming anymore but he won’t say why. So justices, was I in the wrong? Should I be petty and tell my hunged hookup of his friend’s plagiarism ? Or should I let him enjoy Buhima? I patiently ride for your decision. P.S Mark, if you hear this get bent

Andrew Fournier

To the most esteemed council of Dice Christ, I lay myself at your feet in the pursuit of forgiveness. A few years ago I was in the tournament arc of our dnd campaign, and I was playing a wild-magic barbarian, battle master fighter multiclass. Our DM said that the breaks in between each round would count as a short rest, so as we were using D&D Beyond, I would press the short rest button between rounds. After 4 rounds of using my battle master maneuvers and rages, my DM asked if I had been regaining my superiority dice and rages between rounds as he didn’t mean “Short Rest” he meant we could roll hit dice, not a full short rest. I then panicked and lied and said I was not and was down to my last dice and rage so as not to get in trouble. So I ask for forgiveness for misinterpreting my DMs use of “Short Rest” and accidentally breaking the rules

Ashen

To the honorable justices and I guess also Murph’s DMPC “Jaek.” I present to you the case of the Difficult Druid and the Bleeding Bard. My partner and I have been in a campaign for over three years with four level 8 PCs: a wizard, a monk, a druid, and me, a bard. I should say up top that we are all great friends and there is no bad blood here. Anyway, our dragonborn druid refuses to wild shape, and instead hangs back to use her acid breath or the spell Wind Wall in every situation. ONLY Wind Wall, every time. Of course, the wizard stays out of melee range and the monk moves out of range each turn, leaving me, the bard, as the easy target. To encourage the druid to wild shape, the DM created a home-brew ability for her to wild shape into a young dragon, which the druid has only used twice since getting it two and a half years ago. As the only PC up in the mix, I get absolutely rocked. The wizard sometimes takes hits so I don’t have to, and the monk has stopped using evasion. To add insult to injury, we all watched the DND movie together and when the druid in the movie wild shaped, our druid said, “that’s so cool, I wish we had someone in our party who can do that,” to which I responded, “you can turn into a fucking bear.” I prostrate myself before the court and ask if we should get over our tank not tanking or if we should trap our tank in a wild shape a la Tobias from Animorphs. P.S. don’t play, hate the show

Andrew Fournier

To the esteemed crit judges who are looking pretty cute up there, are you guys free after the hearing? I bring to you the case of the “Short Rest” disparity. A few years ago in a campaign with my friends online in our DMs homebrew world, our party came to a new town and participated in the combat tournament to win a large cash prize. My wild magic barbarian-battle master multiclass half orc tiefling entered the solo pool, and our monk and eldritch knight entered the duo pool, the parties warlock stayed in the crowd for fear of being flattened into a pancake. Our DM stated that in between rounds counted as a short rest, and we alternated between my solo fight and their tag team so one group would rest while the other fought. However, after a few rounds of me regaining my superiority dice from clicking “Short Rest” in D&D Beyond, my DM asked how I was able to do so many battle maneuvers and I replied by saying I was taking a short rest like he said to do. The DM sounded irritated and remarked that he only meant for me to roll my hit die and that I shouldn’t have been regaining my superiority die. I mentioned that the monk had been regaining their Ki points with each rest and the DM stated that the Ki points weren’t as powerful as my barbarian having access to maneuvers so they were allowed to get their Ki back. So I ask you, oh wise and powerful judges, and the other guy I just noticed he’s here, was I wronged by my DM or was my PC wrongfully and unfairly neutered.

Mich Blackie

Forgive almighty Eyes, Ears, Mouth and Butt of Dice Christ (Assign roles as you see fit) I have a confession/case that was recently retrieved from the deepest recesses of my memory while catching up with an old DM who was the “victim” in this case, and whom I seek forgiveness for wronging, as well as dice Christ. A few years ago my PC was making a decision that could have a big impact on the campaign world. Neither choice was good or bad, but in essence option A was a radical change and option B was defending the status quo. The party was split as well. I decided to roll. When my DM said “1-10 is choice A, and 11-20 is choice B” I stopped him, and said I wanted 1-5 to be option A, 6-15 to be option B, and 16-20 to be option A again. When he asked why, I explained that I felt it made sense for this choice. The middling numbers for the safe choice, and the highest and lowest numbers for the extreme choice. The DM allowed it, and I ended up rolling a 2 (shout out to the crew) and the more extreme option (which involved dissolving an ancient religious sect that was essential the citizens survival and made them very happy, but also sedated them with chemicals and magic) ended up being hugely fun and I forgot the way I had determined our path. But the DM had not, and has been haunted these past 7 years by my “bizarre insistence” (his words) on rolling the dice that way, and said he wouldn’t have allowed it in retrospect. Oh benevolent ones, have I sinned unforgivably for haunting my DMs dreams? Does Dice Christ look upon me in disgust? Or does the little devil in me that thinks my system was fun and fit the choice I was making have a point? Please, free me from my guilt by forgiving me or punishing me as They command.

Becca

To the adorable gaggle of justices and their weird pet bailiff, I confess that I have only ever played 3 sessions of Dnd… and didn’t really enjoy it! Mainly because I found it pretty daunting to roleplay, I was intimidated by the group, and it was lockdown so no fun dice. Since then, I haven’t tried to play again but have become a massive D20 and nadpod fan- I even got to see Emily and Murph live in Glasgow!! I have listened to god knows how many hundreds of hours of dnd and have even indoctrinated my partner to love watching it as well. I have since found a new friendship group and started to have the feeling that it could be really fun to play with them, the only problem being that there is no dm. My crazy idea is that, despite my tiny and pretty negative experience playing, could I read up enough to dm a one-shot for a group of 4 players? Has my inexperience of playing the actual game and hours of watching incredibly experience players - trained in improv and the like- made me underestimate the amount of work, quick-thinking, and knowledge of the underlying mechanics necessary to try this? Love to you all, You truly are the youth of a nation xx

DisClever

To the Delicious Dungeon Daddies of Dice Christ - Meticulous Murph, Calculating Caldwell, Esteemed Emily, and Just Jacob - I come to you for help reckoning with an undeserved killing blow. My party recently finished the Fist of the Ruby Phoenix adventure path after two wonderful years. As we grappled with the BBEG over two forms and three four-hour sessions, he was finally on the ropes. I had my DM write down the big guy's hit points after a particularly nasty attack from our barbarian, as he was on death's stoop. As my halfling cleric was about to be forced into a void demi-plane, I cast the reaction Anathemic Reprisal, and rolled 21 damage. My DM very kindly rounded up, finishing off the boss' 11 HP. The party erupted in very violent celebration, and we began debriefing the insane 12 hours of combat. At one point, my DM mentioned that the boss' final form had resistance to mental damage, meaning my final reprisal only did half damage. My DM waved it off, but I feel like I stole the killing blow from the members of my party who did the other hundreds of damage. I felt Dice Christ's chastisement immediately, as we all non-canon rolled on a deck of many things after the conversation. My last roll as Gherki the Cleric was a nat 20...which on our table meant that I was sent to a void demiplane. From a Cleric of Desna to the Clerics of Dice Christ - I ask for your guidance, and will do as many Hail Murphy's as you deem fit.

Gabriel Felix

To the cute judges and Jailiff Bake. I bring you the case of the Stolen Pc. I played in a friends 3 shot over a year ago, along with a married couple, my sister, and one of the couples father. We decended beneath the sewers of Waterdeep and was confronted after a bit with intellect devoures. As lvl 2 pc’s this combat was tough. We won the fight but the wife of the couple was downed with an unknown amount of death saves or fails. One of the Devourers vanished, and soon after our downed pc woke up. But it was no long her talking. It was the dm speaking through her and later we found she had been taken over by the creature. She quit before the next session began because she felt her losing character agency was crossing a line. When the dm heard this, he shut down the game. I talked to him a few days later and he was so upset that hurt her feelings that he was going to quit dnd all together. After talking with him for a few hours and talking to the couple separately, I was able to get him to feel good enough to continue playing. We’ve played together in several one shots since then. Justices and Jork, was the pc right to feel like a line was crossed? Is there a better way the dm could’ve handled it? I leave the righteous decision in your capable hands.

Ricardo, devotee of dice christ

DICE CHURCH SUBMISSION: Blessed of dice christ or Servant of Dice Devil? holy reverends of the church and also the lowly bailiff pressing his ear to the booth with a cup (idk why he’s here he just followed me from the courthouse, grovelling at me). i seek advice in the matter of a suspiciously rolling player. i have a player that i have DM’d for and played with for 7 years. across several of my own and other campaigns i have noticed that they roll incredibly in almost 100% of circumstances, only seemingly failing when they do not know what the dc is. they also often roll by holding the dice tray up to their face before announcing a roll. they have recently made 2 characters. one for a game i run and another for a game their brother runs. they’ve made one character at level 7 with 20 in two stats and an 18, the other has a 20 two 18 and one 17 at level 3. their stat totals are both over 100. my other players send videos when they roll stats except for him and when i ask about the stats he says “i just rolled really well”. this feels like its been a longtime thing but has become more obvious. so i beseech thee in the presence of the gods, how should i deal with this matter? i don’t want to accuse my longtime friend but my other players also notice these things. are they just this lucky? may the dice roll as the gods see fit and i hope that they may look on my plight. ps. i submitted a case a long time ago that led to the founding of the church and i’m so hype that this is a thing <3

Felix Principe-gillespie

To the gru-tiful judges and despicable bailiff I come to you with a preemptive case of love and minions. I’m a long time DM for a party of 4 and recently someone I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks asked if she could join one of our sessions as she’s always wanted to try DnD. There’s only one slight issue. A few sessions back the villain of our campaign summoned in armies from other dimensions, as a goof, I found a stat sheet for a minion (from despicable me) and threw some of them in. Sadly, since then minions have become a huge part of the campaign, their ability to detect good and evil has become a core aspect of the characters journey. So I ask you judges, should I let her join our world, knowing that she’s going to see me making minion noises and using fart based attacks on my foes, or is it better to keep her out of this banana filled madness for now. I await your verdict.

Mike K

To The exuberant and exhilarating Justices Axford, Tanner (and possible special guest), I bring you the case of the- OH, and Bailiff Jake, who’s still here… I bring you the case of : Death by Acme. I have been part of a group of a Bi-Weekly ( every other week) DnD game. Last summer I began my first descent into DM’ing with Descent into Avernus. I did all the first time DM things, high res materials, printed and laminated mini’s, Session by session I learned how strong my party was, and as we went we dealt with contested rulings and though debates got hot they always were settled same night. As we came towards the the first big boss in her underground base, I realized she was not strong enough, and I sought help online. I reworked and boosted her with in game mechanics to make interesting and challenging for my heroes, but little did I know this would begin my own descent into villainy. The battle was more challenging , seemed to be refreshing but still the Patry marched on towards victory. So with spell slots waning and her health critically low I begin to make Thalma run. As I call her to use her final Legendary action Infernal Path*, my veteran player stands up and claims this is not possible as he is standing too close to the door so she wouldn’t be able to push past him and it negates his ENTIRE turn. We ended the night fighting over this point. At our next session, I address the situation, I say that it is a legendary action, and because she ignores opportunity attacks and it is a legendary action she passes him and in subsequent turn, dashes past the remaining party member not being hit by any opportunity attacks. She ran for the escape corridor, the party already found and blocked. They knew they had her cornered. On their turns I left them move as a group to find not the big bad cornered but instead dead. Death by anvil. I stated I had rolled some luck checks, and the wood broke under the weight of the anvil when we she went to open the hatch, and on her failed dex roll she fell and was crushed to death. My players seemed to laugh at it, but the barbarian wanted the kill. I haven’t DM’d in over a year, and I’ve carried the weight of this with me far too long. I leave it to you justices, was this senseless Acme rage or good hearted Wiley Coyote justice? I beg your ruling be swift and just. *Infernal Path: 30ft fire trail dash action, ignores OA, deals 2d6 fire damage to all in path. -Obviously this is not real but is some homebrew I lifted off of the fabulous Reddit -- https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/gl6el7/duke_thalamra_vanthampur_reworked/

Samuel

To the illustrious judges and the dude who’s reading this who is fine I guess. I bring: the case of the aggressive friendship test. I was DMing a game where the reward for the party’s first mission was to choose any low level magic item of their choice, as long as they ran it by me first. My Rogue came to me and said he wanted the “Pipes of Haunting” but that it said he needed to be proficient in wind instruments. I said ok, that fine, you can have them anyway. And then he said he was excited to use it to test if people had good or bad intentions to the party. I was confused and asked what he meant. He said that the pipes, if he wished, allowed that “all creatures in the area that aren't hostile toward you automatically succeed on the saving throw” I said that’s not how it works. Essentially that provision is just in there so you don’t need to frighten your friends if you don’t want to. And that “hostile” means actively fighting, not just people who generally don’t like you or have ill intent. Judges, was my Rogue right? Can the Pipes of Haunting be used as a friend or foe litmus test or was he stretching the capabilities of the item?

Oliver Foster

To the venerable judges and to the glow-ly bailiff Jake: I present to you the case of I Am Ducks Now? Judges, I need your advice about a game that I don’t even play in. My real name is Oliver Foster but my friends call me Ollie. I’ve been a fan of a popular Dungeons and Dragons podcast for 6 years but according to said podcast I am now 2 (two) ducks. I do not know what this means for me, my life, my partner or my job. Is there any precedent for charges in a case of being assigned ‘you are two ducks now’ (no consent)? Am I entitled to bring proceedings *against* the court? I’m pretty sure either my parents or Murph are guilty of future crimes. If Murph is a creepin’ mind reader he HAS to tell us, right? Let me be clear; I am not necessarily against this decision. There might be some ramifications for my personal life or for local wildlife authorities but on the whole, if the court decides that I or my parents are to blame, I will do my best to make this work. Sentence me to eat sliced grapes, I guess. If the change is imminent, please advise URGENTLY. Yours sincerely, quack quack, Ollie Foster

Danny B.

Not a case or confessional. Just a shout out to Emily. Went to a wedding this past weekend and the first dance was to One Big Bed! I was asked by multiple people who saw me singing along "who sings that beautiful song."

ZZ Digital

I submit to the court: the case of personal hell: While stealing a plane shift gem from the villains, one player accidentally activated one and was sent to hell, where they started rescuing NPCs. The other players met the villain who offered them a gem, but told them a different way to use it than they had been. They decided the villain was lawful evil and wouldn't lie, despite many people, including the villain herself, calling her a monster. So when they followed her instructions they ended up trapped in Hell, requiring a beloved NPC to sacrifice themself to get them out. My players were extremely upset with me, not only for killing their friend, but for not telling them the villain could be lying, and also not benching the player who went ahead until the rest of the party could join them since they encountered friends and family of the PCs in personalized hells that they wanted to interact with. Were my decisions acceptable, or am i a DM not even worthy to lick the lowly baliff's shoes?

Mason N.

May it please the Grand Court of Crit and that guy who plays Jake from Jake and Amir. I propose to you all the case of the killer life domain cleric. I played in a 10 person campaign and am playing the party's healer, a Life Domain Cleric named Coach Hawke Barski. As part of his backstory, he was always bullied during school and thus became a coach to put an end to bullying. While the party was exploring, Coach Hawke Barski noticed a group of teens bullying a kid. He went over to confront the group and ended up getting punched in the nuts and getting table topped by the teens. For flair, the DM put him into a flash back of that exact thing happening to a young Coach Hawke Barski, and in the flashback he retaliated by punching the bully in the face. But in reality, he chose to be doing a 1st level Inflict Wounds uppercut to the teen bully in charge. It immediately killed the teen (who had commoner stats), and as a result, another party member, a Zealot Barbarian, did a reckless attack on Coach Hawke Barski and downed him. Once the tension settled, and Coach Hawke Barski was brought back up, he used all of his money and some of the other PC's money to do a Revivify on the teen and we moved along with the campaign. I get razzed about it from time to time, but I need to ask the court, am I in the wrong for playing along with the DM's flashback scenario and getting triggered by the trauma? Or should I have taken the high road and not retaliated? I await the court's decision in shame.

Ness O.

To the Honorable Supreme Crit Justices and um... I can’t remember his name sorry, My question to the court: Who was the *wrongest*? 2 years ago, I joined an online campaign after they already had a session 0. One of the original players, halfling battlesmith artificer, was not present for sessions 1-3 due to various IRL emergencies, and the party formed a fun dynamic without him. Session 4, Artificer is back. After a tough battle, our minmaxed hexblade warlock/paladin with a tragic backstory leaves the tavern that night to patrol the town, and encounters some muggers. The muggers try to attack him, which he laughs at because at a mere level 3 his AC is 24 with the Shield spell. Sheriff Artificer arrives at the scene, guns literally blazing, and kills one of the muggers. The staunchly lawful good Hexadin yells for him to stop, which Artificer ignores until Hexadin attacks him, knocking him prone off his mechanical dog mount. Conflict averse DM ends the session there, and Hexadin logs off in a huff. Later that day, Hexadin messages all players individually to apologize for starting PVP and drama, and offers to the Artificer to change his character to one that is not lawful good, but Artificer doesn’t care either way. Independently, conflict averse DM kicks Artificer from the server without any explanation or goodbye, and tells us all afterward that he’s never dealt with pvp before and didn’t know how else to handle it. So who was the wrongest: the Artificer, the Hexadin, or the DM?

LyingConfection

Esteemed Crit Justices, I write to you with the case of the over zealous dm and the full party bug annihilation. In a recent DND campaign, our first time DM created a session 0 to explore their entirely home-brewed cyberpunk totalitarian government setting of our campaign. They emphasized it was important to them for the players to create fleshed out characters and worked with us for several weeks for character creation. All was well in the session until we entered a dungeon battle where the DM describe nearly all of our level 1 characters being gruesomely killed and eaten on the first hit by a level 15 giant insects from a homebrew monster guide. The party was collectively shocked and upset about our characters sudden and graphic deaths. When I asked the DM if there was any way for us to have survived the battle, they replied no, that they designed the encounter to kill us instantaneously to anger and motivate the players against the totalitarian government. When I asked the DM if we could play out actual campaign as character seeking vengeance for our session 0 character deaths, the DM said no. The DM went on to say that our character’s deaths wouldn’t be known by any outside parties and would be largely irrelevant to the main campaign. I ask you, humble crit justices, was my DM justified in creating a session 0 TPK to motivate us against the enemy of the campaign, even though our character deaths were unnoticed and inconsequential? I throw myself at the mercy of the court and await your esteemed opinion.

Hannah

To the wicked cool crit justices jsoh yeah, the bailiff too, I guess. I humbly present this case of the case of the obstinate player and oblivious elf I’ve been in this campaign for about a year with our friend who’s a bard/sorcerer PC. He was brand new to dnd and made his character with our DM. They made the character as a joke with the bard/sorcerer not believing in magic (even saying he blacked out when he cast spells) and refusing to believe elves were real and that all humans had pointy ears and lived a long time (despite being a full elf and meeting NPC humans). Despite this my friends and I have enjoyed being in a party with him and want to continue playing. He ADMITS that he doesn’t like his character anymore, but won't leave him behind. Our DM isn’t taking a side and says the player could keep, leave behind, or kill his character if he wants to. The rest of us are getting pretty tired of having to continuously try and convince this PC that magic is real and he’s not human. So we ask the court, ask if we should be punished for not trusting our player and DM to get this character straight, or should this PC find his unlikely demise at the bottom of a tall tower. We dutifully await your judgement.

Tim C

To the inimitable justices and bailiff Patrick: I bring before you an ethical dilemma. My friends and I recently finished a two-year campaign that saw our table reach level 20. One of my friends played a Druid barbarian multi class who, through rage, subclass abilities, and wild shapes, had an absurdly large effective HP pool and never came near 0hp. He would lovingly give me (the DM) grief about how his character was untouchable in combat, and in all honestly that was pretty accurate. The in-game mechanics that would pose a risk to his character were what most of us would consider ‘anti fun’, since they either don’t involve chances to save, or make you lose turns. And yet the jokes about his invulnerability continued. Justices, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the occasional day dream about power-word killing his wild shaped form, and herein lies the ethical dilemma. Should I have been lenient and accept my min-maxed whomping with grace and dignity? Or should I have listened to the mini Justice Murphy on my shoulder and nuked that shit from orbit? I await your judgement.

Kevin

To the Cowardly and Mercurial Justices, and the Brave and Steadfast Bailiff Jake (long may he serve). I bring you the case of the Toddler Proxy. I DM for a group of suburban dads. We meet monthly, swap neighborhood news, and slay dragons. It's mostly great. At the first session, one of my players brought a stuffed toy cat, saying his daughter wanted it included in the adventure. Over time, he became fixated on it, even grilling me about my narrative plans for the cat. I suggested he simply make up stories about the cat for his daughter, but he refused, calling it dishonest. His daughter is four and has never participated in our sessions. Eventually, I relented and shoehorned in that the cat was an infernal spy who had been relaying information about the party to the next arc's villain. Having served its purpose, the villain released its hold on the creature, turning it back into a regular cat with no special qualities. I thought I'd settled that issue for good. But now he's brought another toy, saying his daughter wants this one in the campaign too. Am I wrong to want to stop this? I love when players add personal touches, but it feels weird to cater to someone who's not even at the table. Keep in mind, these are my neighbors. I'll be living next to the consequences of your judgement for the next 15 years. Yours, Stumped in Suburbia

ROMCOM

Honourable Justices, Morph, Axefort, and Tailor, and of course the Bailiff Hurtwitch. I bring to you the case of the Spontaneous Secret Rooms. I am a (very) new DM, and I play with a party of three; two people have never played D&D before, and one who’s DMed a handful of times many years ago. We are all new and inexperienced however the game is enjoyable. The party were investigating the house of a deceased dwarf. I knew that this guy would have secrets, so when one of the party members asked to look for any secret rooms, I thought “that would make sense for him to have a secret room” so I called for a roll, and they got a 19. I described them pulling back the floor boards to find a small armoury. The player, with the buzz of finding this, called that they would roll another investigation check for a secret room. Before I objected, they rolled a nat 20. I ashoomed that Dice Christ wished there to be another secret here, so I obliged and described one of the walls pushing back to reveal a secret temple to some long dead gods. I am not totally happy with how i handled this situation, I realise that I could have added a secret chest or something, but my mind blanked and I couldn’t think of anything else. The party was excited, but once we moved past the house they seemed to not think of it, so these hastily created rooms don’t appear to have made a significant impact on their playing experience, but still Justices I lay myself before you and ask, was I in the wrong for creating rooms that I hadn’t previously designed simply because the player rolled high enough?

Morgan

Greetings oh lauded and honorable justices and the craven and yellow bellied bailiff; I present to you the case of Chester Cheetah and the Unsuccessful Dinner. A few years ago I wanted to run a DnD game based on some of the themes and idea in Babylonian religion, using gods like Lamasu and other Middle Eastern mythological characters as a backdrop for the fantasy story. This was something I was deeply excited for up until I heard the character my friend decided to play. He made a Tabaxi rogue name Chester “Che” Tah that was deeply motivated by acquiring Cheetos and pulled a gun on the first character they met. The vibe; was off. So I did what felt like the responsible step, and took this player out to dinner to discuss the campaign and see if he was interested in changing characters to one that was more in line with the story. Judges; he was not interested. After two subsequent meals I bought him begging him to work with me, I eventually just let the campaign fizzle out. My question is this; was I wrong to not be interested in running a game for Chester Che Tah? Or should I have better adapted to the game my players wanted? A very stupid one? Thanks for reading

James W

Dice Christ Confession here- Greetings honorable dice trinity and father john, I have sinned. This was years back, in a prewritten dungeons and dragons 5th edition module I was running one of the combats by the book, and the rogue was fighting a spy type guy. the rogues turn came up and he dealt a killing blow, except it wasn't. I didn't feel the players were properly challenged yet, so I waved away the hit points to give my bad guy another turn. On the bad guys turn, he attacked the rogue, critting, and downing him, then, with a second attack to the rogue on deaths door, the rogue suddenly had two failed death saves. The bad guy was killed moments later but no one could heal the rogue before his turn, and he failed, my second character kill of the campaign so far. I never told the player. How could I? Since this campaign I ran a homebrew campaign for years, I would lose any trust. I ask the court, can dice christ forgive me for my character killing ways? Or am I doomed to pay penance for many more years to come. I humbly await your holy judgement

nandrusin

To the studious judges and the [redacted]bailif, who's a big dragonball fan, I hear. I present the case of the Suprise Monk. I was in a game where half way through a session the DM suprised introduced his friend as a type of cowboy/assassin/bounty hunter coming after us, complete with a drawl and 2 Katanas . The Guy was playing a Kensi monk sent to hunt us down. He was level 5, same as the rest of us. He proceded to absolutely beat the shit out of the party dropping 4/5ths of us to death saves in just a couple rounds of combat. He took out my dwarf Fighter Lecha with 49 HP and 18 AC in one round. He then proceded to take some of our key magic items a walk off into the sunrise whistleing a tune, telling us to visit the king to get our stuff back. He also beat the shit our of our NPC, a kid named Charles. To make matters even more interesting, this was a guest appearance, he only showed up to kick our ass and steal our stuff. He ALSO just broke up with his long term girlfriend hours before the session in a reportedly messy break up, so the DM probably felt bad for him. We laughed alot, He seems like a good guy and felt bad about mollywhomping us. But judges, I ask, was this ok for the DM and guest player to suprise whomp us like this in a 1v5 and steal out Key/Quest items? I am at the mercy of the court.

Shanelluh

To the meritorious judges and the adequate bailiff, I bring you the case of the punted fighter. My friend was dming a game of Curse of Strahd and we were travelling through the Tsolenka pass. We had previously rolled rather high perception checks and were already on the look out. When all of the sudden my character, a 10 foot tall Goliath fighter, was catapulted off the mountain and took 50 bludgeoning damage after landing on a cliff. It turns out that a Sangzor (a 9 foot tall goat) had snuck up on the party and chose me as it's soccer ball. I conceded that yes even though we had a perception of 19 that it was possible that a giant goat can sneak up on us. But where I practically died on the mountain was that I insisted that for someone who grew up on a mountain themselves and would be used to having multiple situations in which she would have to hunker down and either wrestle or fight off an attacker/livestock, I should have at least been able to do a saving throw to not be thrown off a mountain. My friend insisted that no throw would exist and I would have to climb up a mountain to reunite with my party. I would like to add that this was a hit and run, as my party did not get the chance to react and avenge my boot from the party. So while I asking for a saving throw, they were asking to hit the goat. When the DM rejected all our pleas we solomonly proceeded through the pass, and ultimately ended the session early. Our characters are currently still stuck in Barovia because that ended up being our last session of CoS (for other reasons not mountain related). So here I ask the court was I right to plead my case for a saving throw or should I have just taken the free fall and gone through the pass.

OdinTheAllDaddy

Dear justices Murphy, Axford, and Tanner, whose grace honors me, as well as the bailiff. (please be nice to Jake today, he's been working on himself). l ask thee to consider my case of The Fleeing Captain. I am in a campaign at level 4. My DM is my best friend who introduced me to D&D, as well as 4 friends whom I have introduced to the genre. Our campaign is set in the astral plane (very Halo themed). I play as a bard who uses a classical guitar for his instrument, and he is PURELY a "support" build. The only spell he has that can deal damage is vicious mockery. He spends most of his time upcasting bless, blinding enemies, and giving out bardic inspirations via hip gyrations. With this in mind, a few sessions back, my party and I were in a big battle while boarding an enemy spaceship, fighting off grunts, elites, and other big guys. Eventually we'd mostly cleared through them, and my DM brought the ship's captain out to fight us. (Our main objective was to get info from him or kill him). He dueled our fighter until an alarm blared, declaring the ship's imminent destruction. He began to run off, and we were not quite able to keep up with him, so I took a risk and cast "charm person" on him. In battle, he gets advantage on the charm spell since he knew we were enemies. He rolled a 6 and a 12. He failed. I told him, "stop and tell us where your next attack is!". My DM decided that he would not stop, and he did not talk to me either! He said "the ship is coming apart, so he's running to an escape pod and won't stop." | tried to get a LITTLE BIT of information while he ran, but nothing. He ended up getting in a pod by himself and escaping (all while under the charmed spell) Judges, I have held no grudge for this since my DM generally doesn't make calls so controversial, but was his decision correct? Should he be punished for this act, or should I be punished for assuming I could stop a fleeing man with the charm spell? I humbly await your judgement and will accept any punishment you deem necessary. (although I think my DM deserves it for this)

Ben H.

to the nigh unquestionable justices and i wanna say jack? one of my players in my dnd group is obsessed with playing a certain character archetype and it makes me deeply uncomfortable, whenever someone starts a new campaign she will always go to the dm and explain that she wants to play a giant buff lizard that eats people, and that she wants to drag men into alleys and eat them alive. obviously, i always say no, but she continues to harangue me with these cannibalistic dreams, how do i nip this in the bud and tell my friend i don’t want her to eat people?

Damian McDoofenheiven

I beg of you dear vestiges of Dice Christ, please help me! Lately, in a friend's campaign based on Kingdom Hearts I have not rolled above a 10. My first character, we are now on the second arc hence the first vs second, would roll 19, 20, and anything below 10 no inbetween. BUT now I can not roll above a 10 99% or the time, physical dice or digital, what do I dear bridges to Dice Christ! What did I do or how do I fix it???

Swamplake Soundscapes

Dear delicate, precious tiny baby Jake and the others who are less delicate and precious but equally tiny; about fourteen years ago (4.0 had dropped and folks were mad) u was playing with a large group of folks from school. Five of use were regulars, three were introduced to see if they liked dnd. One new player, a rogue, took it upon herself to steal every single magical item in my character's inventory. Because the sleight of hand checks were impossible for my halfling cleric to beat, I spent the rest of the session essentially bare handed. So I ask you, is a first time player subject to the basic idea of "be a team player" or does being new give everyone a Yugo pass?

Lottie

To the all knowing justices and the beautiful baby baliff who knows nothing, I set before you the case- Why does my DM hate me? We've been part of a campaign for around 6 months now. It is important that I state, for the consideration of justice Murphy, that I am a completely normal Rogue with a normal backstory and limited shenanigans. Our party was exploring a pirate city and heading back to our accommodation for a much needed long rest- being a few HP and spell slots down. When all of a sudden from out of the shadows I was shot by an assassin. Now I tell you justices that this arrow did not just down me. It fully killed me- doing over double my total HP. Revealing this to the party there was shock and horror. Our Paladin asked if they could use their Interception reaction to deflect some of the damage and thus put me on saving throws instead. Our DM (who seemed to be panicking) agreed- implying that maybe he didn't want to just one shot a beloved character but I remark this was merely to lull us into a false sense of security, for once I had been revived (but before I could take a turn to do anything) I was shot and killed once again with even more damage than last time. I ask you justices - Is this a vindictive DM looking to settle some unbeknownst grudge in game? Did I truly deserve to be murdered twice in one session? Although we continue to remain friends this is repeatedly brought up as a point of contention between us as he insists he was in the right and I just need justice for my twice-murdered character. Lottie

Gabriel Balog

To the elevated, pristine, judges and the ordinary, mediocre even, Jak. I bring you the case of the NAPPER'S REVENGE. 😴🤜🧙‍♂️ My older cousin invited me to play in a Pathfinder campaign with some of his friends and, even tho I'm DnD's little bitch, I got excited to try the system out (especially with my PC, the catfolk swashbuckler Arthur PenGaton). On the first session, the party was preparing to rest before an invasion that would happen in the morning, and I started happily interacting with the Magus, asking him about magic. That’s when it began... The Sorcerer, impatient to start the long rest, said: "You want to see a cool spell?" and casted Sleep on the party. The spell lasts 1min so, when the Magus woke up, he stated that he was "attacked" and "would have his revenge". They rolled initiative and, in one turn, the Magus dropped the Sorcerer with punches. He would keep going and kill the guy if the DM, my cousin, wouldn' have said that the invasion was starting now and we had to deal with it. The group was silent, we never played again, and I miss my unused PC. Judges, I beg of thee to awnser: what the fuck just happened? Who's fault was it? PS. Love from São Paulo, Brazil 🇧🇷

Stephy R.

To the honorable supreme crit justices Murphy, Axford, and Tanner; and the lovely bailiff Jake I present to you the case of the Ballad Belting Bard. A group of friends and I attended a D&D community event at a local coffee shop. There were about 35 people split into groups of 4. As we began to play, the table next to us started to get a bit…loud. One of the players was apparently playing as a bard. He chose to get very into character and loudly sing at every opportunity. Now, this man had a good voice, but he was opera-level belting every turn in a very small and crowded cafe. It was so distracting and my table was basically yelling to hear each other. Despite this, the event went well and the cafe decided to make this a reoccurring event. I told my friends I wasn’t into going back, and they are super disappointed. Am I being a jerk? I feel bad for disappointing my friends and reducing them to a team of 3, but I can’t listen to the ballad belting bard for 4 hours again.

Fredrik V

Honored judges and GLORIOUS BAILIFF JAAAKE. I bring you the case of the Lost Pet List. I've been running a campaign for more than a year and one of my players is a druid who early on gained a Staff of the Woodlands that let's you awaken animals, and combined with other druid abilities this led to a lot of sentient animals accruing in our campaign. Intelligent animals are in my mind not pets and their own people, so occasionally they chose to stay behind the group, a horse couldn't fit in a boat, a squirrel went on a heroic messenger quest and a scorpion decided to stay in camp because he doesn't like Mechanus. This lead to my player, while smiling and seemingly having fun at sessions, sending me a word document with a list of all the animals I had robbed him of, saying I was making it hard for him to enjoy his character, and that I was taking his character abilities from him. He defensively said he would switch to a fighter to "make my life easier" Was I wrong for taking hos animals away or was I right to make them make their own decisions? I humbly await your decision

Olivia Moody

The Case of the Stifled Suggestion Dear Justices and Bailiff, During the third session of a “1-shot”, my level 5 warlock cast Suggestion on a doppleganger who was masquerading as a prince, with the suggestion “you’re going to show us who or what you really are.” At the time of casting, myself, several party members, and the "prince" were in a bathroom. The “prince” failed the saving throw, and per the language of “Suggestion” we all expected the prince to transform on it’s turn - or for our theory about the situation to have been disproven. Instead, something different happened. On the "prince’s”’ turn, instead of following the course of action on his turn, he instructed us to shut the bathroom door and then promise not to kill him. I protested - as the language of the spell does not indicate the target has the option to take other actions on it’s turn. My DM stated that the "prince" would not do an action he perceives as harmful. I once again protested - the direct action of changing his shape would not cause damage to the prince. My DM indicated his ruling was final, because ‘if the other people see him change shape, they will kill him, so he perceives this action as harmful.’ Needless to say, I was livid. I argued that from now on, anytime someone casts suggestion they can just think about the potential uncomfortable tertiary consequences of the directed action and refuse to do it. If one suggests to a guard that they let us pass, could the guard think about how if he gets caught, he’ll get fired and be unable to feed his family? I (hatefully) assured my DM that based on this ruling, none of my PCs will EVER comply with a suggestion in his campaign again. At the end, I did shut the bathroom door & promised I wouldn’t personally kill him, the “prince” transformed, and I immediately opened the bathroom door to expose him to the other party goers. Justices, was I in the wrong for being so salty, or was our DM in the wrong for using a tertiary reason to avoid complying with a suggestion, thereby nerfing the spell? I eagerly await your ruling and will comply with any punishments that you suggest, even if my DM won’t do the same.

Nathaniel F

Dearest honorable judges “Executioners Axe-ford” “you Calld-that-Well” and “Your Honor-the-Cock Murph”, plus Jake, whose wits are greater than hur witz, I beg you to hear my plea about the case of the devilish DM: During our first campaign, we assisted an illusory copy of a wizard who asked for our help in escorting him to his creator’s “Illusion made real” machine, and to fix it. Upon our Wizard and Artificer’s success in fixing it, we of course did a test run. Our Wizard made an illusion of many Platinum bars, and the machine worked. We were now super wealthy. We could sense our DMs panic, but moved forward and made the illusory Wizard copy real as well. Heading back to town, our DM informs us the platinum has a very short half life. We are quickly losing our new found money. So we speed up, when all of a sudden, out from the wizards magic watch pops a stereotypical devil, red in color, French in accent. He introduced himself, chatted, then went back into the watch. We wrote it off as one more quirky character meant to delay us. We then make it to the bank, where we successfully struck a deal with the teller to launder the fading money, and right as the money goes in, the devil pops back up, pushes the teller into the banks vault portal, and shuts the portal down. To this day, the bank still “can’t get access to our money.” This was 2 real world years ago. We always play in the same world, often revisiting these characters or the guild we created. Yet the money is still lost to us. Please, tell me, was the dm wrong for taking away our cleverly gained money, or should we have known our get rich quick scheme would be sabotaged?

CommodoreBlue

To the magnanimous judges and the burpless baby bailiff, I come to you with a simple case of mechanics of spoken attack rolls. After moving to a new city, I found a D&D group online and we would meet up to play the Wild Beyond the Witchlight module, run by one of the group. After a subclass change, I was playing an Eldritch Knight fighter. I had heavy armor and a magic item that gave me a AC of 19 by default. I also took the shield spell. One day, my DM made an attack roll and asked “does a 22 hit,” and I responded with “it would, but I’ll cast shield.” My DM told me that it was too late to cast shield, since she already announced what the attack roll was. But I didn’t ask her what the attack roll was, it was volunteered almost immediately after the DM said I was getting attacked. I acquiesced, for the sake of keeping the game running, but this always bugged. Shouldn’t I have been able to cast shield, when I said I would cast it as soon I realized I was going to be hit. I would understand not allowing it if I asked what the attack roll was, but I didn’t. That information was immediately volunteered by the DM. So my question is, are players allowed to use their reaction to cast shield after the DM has announced the attack roll, even if the player didn’t ask for it? We ended up finishing the module, and it was great. We still play together, and hang outside of games sometimes. There are other moments from this campaign I’ve considered submitting as a case, but this is the most black-and-white mechanics case.

Drenched in Syrup

To the supreme justices and the bailiff jork I come forward not with a case of justice but a plea for help. I recently started DMing a mighty morphing power rangers themed campaign for a couple of friends. Everything was going well until they got to the city of Neo Eden. There was an alien invasion and the party successfully saved the city. However then they were then tasked by headquarters to find jobs around town to make some money for repairs for their space craft the decided to go to the mayors office. After being told they need an appointment they began to try to force their way in to a meeting and obviously this resulted in them being arrested. This is where I lost everything. I of course did not plan for the party to be arrested and while they were in jail had a cell mate. Johnny Mnemonic (the Keanu Reaves character from the movie Johnny mnemonic) they eventually with the help of Johnny escape jail and were on the run only to become tangled with about 6 other Keanu Reaves movie characters. The campaign is so off the rails and I know it is at no fault but my own but I beg you sweet justices how can I fix this campaign and get the party back to being the heroes.

Ricky B

To the Clever judges and the Foolish bailiff, I bring forth my case. I run a game where the first few levels took place in a continent wide struggle based a little bit on World War One (air ships, trench warfare, espionage etc.) My players volunteered to go on a dangerous airship mission that ended with both ships exploding when a magical nuke sized bomb was detonated on the ground. Falling out of the sky I ended the session on a cliff hanger but was stumped on how to get them to survive. I posted on Reddit and some comments flamed the only wizard in the party with “how could they not know to stock fly” and comments similar. I was joking about it after the next session when I decided that the magical bomb opened a rift to the fey where they survived the fall. My wizard was very upset and searched and found my question. He proceeded to sulk until we all left and later I got a message from him that he was quitting the game. I ask the judges; was I wrong to bring up the Reddit post to my players? Should I have let them live without sending them to the fey? I thank you.

MarbleFarmer

May it Please Court I offer the case of the Macabre Message Cantrip. I’ve been running a home-brew campaign for mostly new players where once a session I usually give a player headphones where they can listen to a pre recorded narration with music setting up a dream/scene or something that is created uniquely for them. In one session the wizard in the party had been away for a session and so at the start of the new session I decided to give her a chance to do a little reconnaissance mission before reporting back to the party. I pre recorded the set up and description for the scene in which she found herself in a graveyard on the outskirts of the city the party was currently in. She observed a drow priestess and a half dozen robbed figures wearing the colors of the cult the party had been investigating enter a Mausoleum presumably for some clandestine meeting. This is where it all got away from me rather quickly… Instead of casting any of the dozen spells better suited for the situation, the wizard immediately cast the Message Cantrip on the head priestess as she entered the building and said something to the effect of “ what’s up” .. thus began my DM sweats… I narrated that the Priestess (a very high level Boss that the Party would encounter many session from now) immediately left to investigate. I gave the new player a chance to hide, she rolled but the perception of the… very high level priest.. beat it easily. The priest then spotted the player hiding poorly in a nearby shrub and cast hold person which the player failed their saving throw. Not gunna lie I panicked a little but thought that the…. very high level priestess of Lolth… would simple walk up to the player and then slit her throat and throw her back in said shrub before continuing on with her meeting, since the much lower level player caused little threat. Seeing that my player was confused, sad, and a little embarrassed I decided to create a Deus Ex Machine situation where the Wizard’s raven familiar named Poe could fly back to the party and lead them to the fallen body of the wizard for resurrection Oppa Lassie style. The party eventually found the fallen Wizard and healed her but I still feel pretty bad about how the situation escalated and whether or not there was a better way forward. I ask you esteemed judges how you might all have handled the situation differently? Should I have let the player die permanently? ( I didn’t want her captured because it was at the beginning of the session and separating the party of 6 up often derails the session.) Thanks so much, I’m first time submitter, your show was actually my most listened to Artist on Spotify last year, suck it Tayler Swift :)

frogwithhumanhands

If it may it please the sword wielding justices and the Jar-Jar Binksliff, I present to you the case of the BG3 Dilemma. I'm DMing for my sister and her friends and one of them is playing the character they created in the Baldur's Gate 3 game (a very tiefling bard/rogue multiclass). I love the character and the way they're played, but my problem is this- because this character was created in BG3, part of the character's backstory involves Astarion, (which they have renamed Astaran). Up top, we all specified that we weren't necessarily interested in romance roleplay, so I am not concerned about that aspect, but rather the daunting task of eventually possibly needing to roleplay as a character who has a built out personality (albeit in another game completely), lest I break my player's immersion because I am not a fancy british vampire. So my question is this: Would I be wrong in off-screen killing Astarion/Astaran so I don't have to deal with it or is there a better way I could handle it? I don't want to take away an important person in my player's backstory but I don't think I could do the character justice for what my player is looking for. I sweatily await your judgement.

BigSpoon4U

To the most Honorable Justices and that guy who rode Amir's coattails to a decent living. I present the case of the Urgent Sending Spell. I am currently playing a Life Cleric in a Curse of Strahd campaign. I will avoid spoilers as much as I can for anyone who might be planning to play. My party is in a town and we got word that a woman we've befriended has been kidnapped by the head of the town's guard and been brought back to the mayor's home where he resides. We have to figure out how to get into the home and get her out without just rushing in because we are already at odds with the mayor. I decide because we have befriended the mayor's son and he's expressed the want for the head guard to be killed due to his cruelty, that I would get him to let us in. So at the start of the day I cast Sending to message him in his mind that we need his help, it will involve taking care of the guard he hates and to meet us at the church. Once I send that the DM says you wait two hours and nothing happens. He has me roll an insight check and tells me "you feel maybe your message wasn't urgent enough to convey he needed to come right this moment." I just stare at the DM and say "I think someone using magic to directly send a message into your mind shows quite an accurate amount of urgency." and the DM responds "not to an absent minded wizard who mostly spends time in his room." We are only lvl 5 so I have two third level spells slots a day....but I use my second to send "GET HERE NOW!" Fast forward and because our wizard cast mage armor "loudly" my negotiations turned into an all out fight. Int his fight our Barbarian's head was "smashed in" We won, but because I had to use both 3rd level spells just to get the son to us to have a way into the home, I now couldn't Revivify (I had the components) our party member. I ask for your judgement, am I wrong for thinking the first message was enough to have someone come see what is going on right away? Or was my DM correct in basically tricking me to waste my final highest spell slot right before we got into a fight that he even deemed "the boss fight of this arc"?

Fuzzboxx

Hello my Honorable Judges and the nubile Bailiff Jack Today, I present the case of the deadbeat Dad My cousin joined my already running campaign and his character's goal was to rescue his kidnapped 6 year old son. In real life he is an incredible father. This gave me idea of making the boy vital to the main plot of the campaign, meant to travel with them once rescued. He however never brought up his missing son to the rest of the party. After about 6 months and 25 sessions it finally got brought up. Everyone in the party was obviously shocked that he never mentioned it. He said there were more pressing things to do -- There were not. After ANOTHER 6 months they finally rescued the son. My cousin's first reaction was to get rid of the kid immediately, he wanted to put him in an orphanage, a school for magic, even a brothel?? The party was obviously shocked by his behavior. Am I wrong for having made the 6 year old boy a major part of the campaign expecting my cousin to be all for it or should I have waited to find out what kind of relationship with the boy my cousin wanted to have?

jordy v.

To the Honorable Justices and Jake, but with bangs. I present The Cleaved Arms. Years ago, I played a Tortle Tempest Cleric, who had lost his arm in a BBEG battle. While it was a badass moment, it was something I wasn’t exactly keen for, but I pushed through. Following this victory, my character spent the next (in-game) year finding the resources, spending the coin, and going through physical therapy to create and adjust to a new mechanical, steampunk-esque arm. Fast-forward to our second-to-last session of this campaign, and my party member, a Dragonborn Barbarian, was charmed by a powerful enemy during combat. The rest of the party failed to defeat the villain and his Dragontortle, and he had our Barbarian, still charmed, roll an attack on me as I kneeled there defeated. The Barbarian rolled a Nat 1, to my excitement because that was obviously a miss. Instead, however, my DM narrated that the Barbarian cleaved my other arm off with her axe. I was pretty upset that this occurred, as my Tortle had gone through so much to get a mechanical arm, only to have his other arm be cut off. I would also like to note that nobody else in the party had any body part removed from their self, and these two incidents of me getting mutilated were the most brutal moments in the entire campaign. I ask you, shouldn’t the Nat 1 have meant the axe would miss me? Was the DM targeting me to an unfair degree? I await your decision, and would give it two thumbs up if I didn’t lose my hands.

Romlette

The Case of the Favorite Player To the break-it-down-boogey judges and the lacking in movement Bailiff Jork, I present the case of 'The Favorite Player.' I play in a two person sci-fi play by post with my roommate, and a DM who runs a couple games for us. We were running a scene that included characters from a previous game my roommate and the DM had been in before we all met, and the DM was trying to remember the name of an npc's wife. My roommate, who had been the notetaker for the game, was able to come up with the name. The DM, in this two person game, went 'this is why you are my favorite player' to which I responded with a frowny face 'hey, rude.' The DM proceeded to tell me that I 'play for myself, which isn't a bad thing, but that my roommate plays in a way that enhances the experience for everyone.' Judges, I am the notetaker for nearly every game I am in. I regularly produce digital and physical art for others characters in games to the point that me and my roommate have a shrine in our house. I main the support class BARD to the point I have played every subclass, and regularly will diminish my own enjoyment so everyone can have more fun. My roommate is amazing and I love playing with them, but I can't help but feel unappreciated. Am I being oversensitive? Or is my DM being a grade A jork? I humbly await your judgement.

LayinBrix

TO the venerable and gorgeous judges Murp, Ax4, and Tamler. And to my Baeliff, my godfather and bestman, Joink. I offer the case of the Playless Player . A few years ago my best friend wanted to DM an Avatar (Not blue people) campaign. We got a group of our friends who were not super familiar with DND but said that they were eager to try it out and all made characters. Our DM worked hard with everyone individually to write backstories and showed them the ropes. Everybody got cool abilities and weapons throughout the months we played, but one player, our airbender of the group, for 7 months they only would do unarmed attacks against enemies. They were not a martial monk or anything so they were doing a max of 4 damage if they hit someone. In the final climactic battle of our "book 1", they punched the big bad over and over. Mind that we are using the Avatar 5e homebrew, which is filled with awesome techniques. Even after the DM decided to reveal that this character had out of body experiences and gave her astral projection powers. This player would also insist on ending games early because they were 'tired' but would then tell me afterward (because they were my roommate) that they just actually were tired of playing the game. The longest a session ever went was 3 hours before they would start pretending to fall asleep. This player was offered so much but would say they were "too busy" to learn the rules of the game. All the players individually mentioned to the DM their frustration and he tried to reach out to this player to ask if they are actually wanting to play. But the player insisted on being in the group saying that they mostly enjoy the improv aspect and that they are "learning" still. This game eventually devolved, our last session being the lowest emotional point for my character as everyone in the party abandoned him at a riverside port. That night we only played for one hour before that player said they didn't want to play anymore. Judges, Joink, should this player have just left? Were we wrong for trying to push them toward playing more? P.S. Coincidentally we are no longer friends or roommates.

Kay

Intro no more 2024: A friend of mine expressed interest in playing dnd for his birthday, so our mutual friend planned a one shot to celebrate for our group of friends. All of us had played a bunch of dnd, besides the birthday boy who had played very little, but had mentioned a bunch that he wanted to play. It was set for 4 pm and everyone was there and making characters by 4:30. Everyone, except for the birthday boy. To be fair, he was doing a family dinner, but after very little communication (a text every like 2-3 hours), he showed up at 11:15 pm, nearly 7 hours after we were supposed to start. Everyone was, of course, a bit upset, and by the time we finished (nearly 3 AM), he hadn’t even had a good time. Honorable Justices and Gemma’s dad, were we correct in being upset and a bit catty to the abhorrent tardiness, or should the birthday boy be given pardon due to the nature of the event?

Ally Grant

To the illustrious Justices, and to the... Bailiff? No seriously, what's the point in you? Why are you here? My friends and I had a long running DnD campaign throughout the pandemic, which stopped a few months ago. My friend offered to DM a Christmas themed one shot where we were going to save Santa who had gone missing. I asked if we were making silly characters or not, and got the green light to "go crazy". I made a demon based on the German concept of "Krampus", a sort of anti-Santa, except in this campaign Krampus knew Santa from long ago, when they hung out in Berlin fetish bars. I thought it was funny, but it got a lukewarm reception from my friends. I did maybe go into a bit too much detail about the various fetishes involved. Anyway, we haven't played since. It me? Are their rules for one shots? Taste? Decency?

Alex Smith

To the deep steamed justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner, and the bay leaf Jud, I bring to you the case of the overexplained actions. I am running a game in which I have 2 experienced players and 2 players who have each played in less than 2 games before our current one. One of my newer players is a musical theater major and he is great at roleplaying within my world! My issue is that often when he makes actions (especially during combat or high tension scenes) he often explains in great detail (out of character) why his character is doing that action. It not only takes up a lot of time (and in my opinion ruins the natural flow of the game) but I also believe actions should speak for themselves and don’t need to be fully explained. Am I wrong for asking him to stop explaining out his character’s entire thought process constantly? I beseech thee for thine wisdom and punishment on this issue! (For extra context my other characters seem to be mildly annoyed with this as well but they do enjoy playing with the “problem player” generally)

Drenched in Syrup

My party requested to include that not only is there Keanu Reaves but also Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit is a recurring NPC

Kevin Piening

15 year salt To the magnanimous Justices and Jake, this case is salt in my craw for 15 years now. It was 4th edition which is combat heavy. I was one of 3 PCs, and I played a Dragonborn Warden, a defensive class kinda like a shield fighter with a sprinkle of Druid. We had a cleric, but he kept getting hit hard, and once we leveled up I was able to get some spells. I lamented not having healing, and I told that to the dm, but there weren't any for my class. Shortly after I took my spells a new subclass expansion book came out from Wizard's, which included a Life subclass which had some minor healing spells. I excitedly asked my dm if I could change my subclass because it's what I would have originally picked, but he said no, that I could only change one spell at a time when we leveled up (which was rare). Justices and Jake, was I wronged by a hardass dm, or do I have soft skinned whiny ass?

MC

May it please the honorable justices and the bailiff, Juice, I present the case of the (Attempted) Pulled Punch. Near the end of a one-shot I was DMing for a group of friends, the party was fighting my BBEG, a mind-controlled adult red dragon. Near the end of a very long fight, the dragon used their breath weapon and all the players passed their dexterity savings throws except for one, my friend who was a brand new player. I knew she was low on health and didn’t want to kill her in her first adventure, so after I rolled the damage, I lied and said the damage was much lower than I actually rolled. She was thrilled that she was going to survive the encounter! Unfortunately, one of the other players could apparently see around my DM screen and blabbed that I was pulling my punch and lying about the damage. This sucked the energy out of the table and eventually led to the player taking the full damage and dying in her first adventure. The other player stood firm that I should be fair about dice rolls and not play favorites, or else what’s the point of the game. Fair justices, was it unfair to the other players for me to lie about a damage roll, or was I right to try and get that player through her first adventure?

Guy

Dearest court and almighty Bailiff Jjkae, I genuflect before thee to bring the case of the rat from the hat. My players were attempting to infiltrate an enemy watchtower, which they saw had three guards on the top floor. The Ranger decided to use their Hat of Vermin to summon a rat, which they captured and rolled animal handling on. They then casted Animal Messenger on the rat and used the Alchemist’s elixir of flight to send the rat up to the watchtower to send a message. The message you ask? “The Rat King approaches, flee or die.” I had the rat roll intimidation with advantage. Even with advantage it had a bad result due to the rat’s charisma being so low, which led to the guards capturing the rat and hunkering down in the base. My Ranger thinks I should have let them use their charisma(-1) instead of the rat’s charisma(-3). It really wouldn’t have made a difference, but I ask you justices, who is right? Should you be able to use your own charisma for rolls even while speaking through a rodent? I beg for clarity.

Dong Von Stronging

to the esteemed justices and bailiff jonk, i present the case of the changed character. I recently started DMing for a group of friends, three of which were brand new to DnD and the fourth has been playing since i started, almost every campaign we’ve played has been together with rotating DMs. This experienced friend and I agreed he would help lead the new players along and be the experienced voice. During session 0 while everyone was introducing their characters this friend came forward with a very loud and obnoxious battle rapping character (think Killer Bee from Naruto). We were all down with this because he spoke and was actively participating. Come session one, while everyone’s characters were officially being introduced and the story beginning, the battle rapping fighter’s first action was silently slinking to the darkest corner of the bar and refusing to participate in anything happening. Not realizing that he had completely changed his character in every way before session 1 I tried to involve him in the early action and it led to a very clunky first session with the new players more confused than anything else. After the session the player of the supposedly battle rapping fighter came to me and berated me for not letting him play his character how he wanted and being too rigid as a DM and trying to completely railroad the party. Am I in the wrong for being annoyed at his character being changed with no notice and his reaction at the end of the session? Additional info: after a few sessions his character was killed and he rolled a new character. This time he went with a half orc ranger who after everything was agreed upon and set their motivation became “i want to make money and leave”. Am I being too uptight about this player?

Maddi Ingram

Dice christ confession - To the most pickled of the dice priests, please forgive me for I have sinned. I was working one weekend and had to miss a session of our campaign. Our dm graciously sent me some lore about what was happening to my character in the story to explain why she wasn't fighting with the other characters. He asked me for a perception check, which I rolled on my phone and got a 2. I desperately wanted more lore to get me through the late night shift, so I rolled again and got an 18. The lore was so juicy, but I have never fudged a roll before and this secret has been weighing on me ever since. I have also been rolling terribly since then, has dice christ forsaken me? How do I get back into his good graces

JC

To the high clergy of dice Christ, and the alter boy Jacob, I have less of a confession and more of a plea for help for I feel I have been foresaken by dice Christ. In a session we were battling one of the seven cataclysms in our DMs world which had taken the form of a supped up mind flayer. The party got hit with his mind blast where everyone saved but my dwarven paladin, Apple, failed. She was then stunned, able to repeat the INT save at the end of each turn to end the effect. Now, I wasn't bad with intelligent saves, I had a +6 thanks to my paladin aura, I only needed to roll a 13 or higher... For seven rounds I was stunned, never once rolling above a 13. Even after the DM gave me advantage after the first three fails. The boss was dead by the time I came to. So I ask of you, please cleanse me of my unknown sins so I may once again walk in the light of dice Christ for I fear I have been foresaken.

Ross Gilliland

May it please the court and the unconventionally handsome bailiff, I present to you the case of the unrepentant player. Once in a session I was DMing, my most problematic player—a tortle named Hektor—snuck into a friendly vampire’s crypt and beseeched him for his assistance in a very personal quest. The vampire, who had his own obligations and no real motivation to help someone he had just met earlier that day, politely declined and retreated into his coffin for the night. Hektor’s next words have lived in infamy ever since: “I light the coffin on fire.” While the CR 13 vampire easily could have killed my best friend’s level 3 tortle, I (somewhat regrettably) showed mercy by having the vampire simply mark Hektor as a thrall whose service could be called upon at any time. Important context for this is that I started this session by reminding the party—6 of my silliest friends—that D&D is a game about consequences, and going forward if they said that their character did or said something, I wouldn’t be giving them a second chance by asking the classic DM warning: “are you sure you want to do that?” Most lawful court, did I make a mistake by showing leniency after my friend so obviously challenged my authority? I humbly await your decision.

OddestOdyssey

To the [1d6] justices and the [1d6] bailiff. 1. Crabster 2. Highly, highly, highly, high as a kite 3. Rat(s) riding loose 4. Binky 5. Grinch-like 6. Callipygian (ka·luh·pi·jee·uhn) I accuse the author Aaron Reynolds of having committed Usury of Authorship having plagiarised the idea of the Crick from NADDPOD, and I seek the judgment of this honorable court. I submit the following as evidence from the book authored by the same Aaron Reynolds, "Fart Quest": "Now git up," she says, unlocking the door. "Y'all been summoned." "Summoned?" asks Moxie. "By who?" "By the madam of the muck. The soul of the sludge. The head honcho of the Holler." Peat Blossom smiles broadly. "Y'all been summoned by the Grand High Meemaw." We are led to a great hall. The ceiling is ribbed, like the underside of a giant mushroom." It goes on like this and there are many other examples that suggest that this is not a pure coincidence: swamp frogs, fiddle-playing, muck elves drawn with overalls, and dialogue that sounds like every Petree I know. May this court see fit to examine the truth of these claims and administer a verdict as deemed righteous and just. I also have a confession: I read this book with my 4 year old son and we thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a rare moment to share my love of DnD (and more specifically, NADDPOD) with him...even down to reading the dialogue to him with a crick elf voice. May her dicey-ness have mercy on our rolls.

Vinnie Vidi Vici

The honorable and jazz-handed justices, along with the not-quite-upright bailiff: I am a first time DM and have a campaign that has gone over a year with my family, our downstairs neighbor, and an acquaintance (old high school friend) of my wife's. The latter of the people is an online friend only as he lives out of state. It was his idea to start the campaign and we all play in-person while he is the only person via video call. Figuring out schedules with everyone has been tough. We wrapped up our campaign and I want to continue with the group (minus him because of logistics). Haven't told him yet about this, but not sure how to. We all played a couple of times since doing one-offs as a group that are not story related. I want to pick back up as we finished the campaign back in March. What if I just don't tell him as I have a good in-story reason he is gone. Maybe bring him back in as a cameo. Does it help that there has been some questionable gameplay and dice rolls with him on video only. I know the right thing is to just tell him, but I am anxious with disappointing people.

DisClever

Oh Lord of the polyhedrals, Absolve me of my sin, for I was a bad DM. And kind of a meanie. When I first got into DND around 14 from getting the 3.5 books as a gift, I decided to run the beginner box AP for my little brother. After making a sorcerer I made a fighter dmpc to go along with it. We fought some goblins in a cave, and were rewarded with a locked chest! Neither character can lockpick it, so he just asks to bash it open with his staff. I let him. He finds some money and a broken potion. He asks to lick the lotion out of the bottom of the chest. I ask him why, and exclaimed "what if it lets me fly?" I ended the session just saying "I don't think this is how to play" Now, years later, I wish I had continued that game as that is just good shenanigans. He dms for me nowadays and has let me get away with much worse. Like having my character constantly eat cinnamon as an upgrade from previously eating incense and throwing up. I double prostrate myself and ask forgiveness in the language of tongues.

Charles

To the equanimous judges and the bailiff that is also there, S'up? Alright, stay classy.

Dylan Jackson

To the judicious Justices joyfully joined in delivering justice, and also the bold bailiff of the bustling courtroom, Jake. I bring the case of the secret g-spot. A while back I was in a campaign where one of my fellow players was in an intimate moment with their Romantic interest. The PC wanted to cast locate object on the NPC's g spot. We all laughed, but one of the players jokingly said that they should be using locate creature, since it is technically a bunch of nerves. (aka living cells) This never became an actual problem, but it brings up the question. Would a G-spot require a locate object, or locate creature spell? I await the judgment of the court.

A Gross Infection

To the titillating judges and the tipsy bailiff, please stop drinking on the job, Jerry... I bring to you the case of losing your head. Early on in our relationship, my now wife and I were playing in a campaign. It was her first. I hadn't played since 3.5. Anyway, we had a beloved NPC die in combat. When describing the death the dm had him decapitated. After combat, we rushed to cast revivify on him. Our dm pointed out that the spell states that revivify does not replace missing body parts, so he could not be brought back to life. I quickly lawyered that we did not "lose" it. It was right here, next to the body. After a bit of a debate, frustrated, he asked for a medicine check. My wife quicky rolled her die and landed a nat 20! We all erupted with joy. Of course, he allowed it after that amazing roll. But, we later found out that his death was pivotal to the story the dm had already written. Was our peer pressure a bit too much, our interpretation of the rules too loose, or were we right to try to save our favorite npc?

Mynne Maxine

May it please the illustrious court, as well as the do nothing justices and the overworked, yet still over-appreciated baliff ajjke I bring to you the case of rock and roll vs channel divinity I was playing in a 3 shot rock and roll campaign opa pick of destiny style with some friends. My PC was a war domain cleric (bassist) whose deity was none other than the rock and roll devil (forgive me Dice Christ). After defeating the Grunge band in the battle of the bands the most obvious twist was revealed to our party, that our manager was the devil the whole time and gave us otherworldly powers only to demand our souls at the end of the campaign. We decided to challenge him to a rock off and combat ensued. During combat I claimed I was going to use my channel divinity to use war god's blessing, but my DM claimed I couldn't channel my divinity against my own deity. The campaign ended well, and it was a good time. But I still wonder if this is some bullshit. I argued that the Devil would want us to challenge him, as is his nature. Was my DM in the wrong, or am I the fool for not picking Dio to be my deity. Xoxo hags

Sam Ross

To the magnanimous Justices, and no one else, just them, I bring you the case of the antagonistic Death Save. One of my PCs was dueling an NPC fighter on a dock, and dropped him in fairly short order, after which the party resumed running to their Spelljammer ship to flee. When it came back to the NPC Fighter's turn, I announced I was making a Death Save for him and rolled, and got one success. The dueling player took great affront to me doing this, saying that Death Saves are a Player tool, not for NPCs. I said that I was running these characters basically as DMPCs, and so Death Saves still applied. The player was unhappy. On his next turn, instead of fleeing, he ran back and proceeded to cut the head off the downed Fighter and steal it to prevent any resurrection, and only then resumed running. To be clear, I have no issue with murdering my enemy DMPC, it just means the Fighter's more mechanically optimized big brother gets to seek revenge. But the player’s hard objection to NPC Death Saves threw me a bit. Was I wrong to use that rule for an enemy? Are Death Saves exclusively for PC Heroes?

Ally

To the noble justices and the common bailiff. I bring an update on the case of the broken home. We did move the campaign to my flat which helped reduce the tension. However the court was 100% correct that the watching roommate wanted to play. A situation occured where half the players were not able to make our next session so I proposed a one-shot connected to our campaign. Word of this reached the voyeur player who asked to play, like a fool I agreed. He made a character with no desire to accept the call to adventure, only going along when another party member asked him to. Even then only agreeing after insisting the PC roll persuasion on his character. His bard barely spoke, instead he spent most the session reading his spells quietly and jumping at any opportunity for combat. The experience made me beyond grateful that I took the court's advice to move the campaign to mine before this quiet bard could infiltrate a three year long campaign I poured my heart and soul into.

Daveed

To the Jill loving Judges, and the guy who Tucker tolerates: I present you with the case of the Apathetic Instigator: Long time listener first time caller. I've been gorging myself on NADDPOD and D20 actual play content for years now, and upon raving about TTRPG's to a close friend, was convinced to DM my first one-shot. This friend, who we'll call Rachel because that's her name, was nothing but encouraging and supportive in her fervor to have me design a one shot for her and a couple of my other friends. She and one of the party has never played D&D before, whereas the other two party members have played D&D a handful of times. I made sure to hold multiple session 0's with each player to flesh out their character, explain their class mechanics, and glean player motivations and back stories that I could tie into my one shot. The night of the game arrives, and everyone is in good spirits, and is actively engaging in my silly world, and we launch into our first combat encounter. Now, I will admit, combat did trudge along, as I had to help the newcomers get used to combat mechanics, and manage everyone's skills and abilities, all of which I was happy and excited to do. About 15 minutes in, I look up and see Rachel completely disengaged, looking at her phone. Her turn in combat rolls around, and she threw me a nonplussed "I attack, I guess". I tried to keep the energy up, end engaged everyone successfully, but I had lost my dear friend Rachel. About an hour and a half into what was supposed to be a 4 hour session, Rachel announces "I'm getting sleepy, I think I'm gonna head out soon". Judges, I had spent hours preparing this one-shot, and I was dismayed by the prospect of ending it before the plot has really begun to pick up. After she left, I checked in with all of the other players to make sure that they had a good time, to which they all enthusiastically stated that they had a blast, and would even be interested in doing a monthly game in this same world! Judges, I ask you, did Rachel just understandably discover that D&d is simply not her cup of tea? Or should I have tried to cater the encounter to engage her more in the moment?

TheRaiOh

To the eloquent and wonderful Bailiff Jake and the ever merciful judges I bring the case of the Stolen Agency. In my first long running campaign I was playing a Bladesinger Wizard. Everything was going great until before the final dungeon I used detect magic and realized there was a scrying curse on my character from the BBEG. I decided to leave the party even past my DMs "*wink* that's bad" for their own good and my character died. I was initially satisfied as it felt like a noble sacrifice. However, instead of a new character for the final dungeon, I was required to play the nearly featureless rogue follower we had. On top of that, at the end when we recovered the artifact we were trying to keep from the BBEG, she somehow knew exactly where we were anyway. The DM narrated as the characters fled and she got what she wanted with no combat or rolls. Clearly this was to set up for a future campaign as he revealed later. I ask, was my group cheated with our choices not mattering or was our DM right to continue the ending he had planned all along.

NLane

To the highly intelligence and beautiful judges, oh, and Jake, sorry I didn't see you there. I present the Case of the Coerced Sacrifice: In the homebrew campaign I run, my players were infiltrating a subteranian lair that a cult of demon worshipers were using as a base. The players followed clues regarding the disappearance of some young paladins and tracked them to this location. The party has encountered this cult before and knew their goal was to sacrifice people in order to swap their souls for souls of demons. The stronger the soul, the more powerful demon that could be summoned. The demon preistess, that they had fought before, knew one of the party members was a powerful paladin. After getting into the main chamber and missing out of preemptively rescuing the young ones, the priestess' secret plan then went off without a hitch. She threatened to kill a young one unless the PC paladin sacrifices himself. He did resist but eventually made the decision to save the young one and kill his PC, summoning forth a powerful demon. The player was disappointed that he lost his character. After the session I provided options on how he could move forward, including coming back as a revenant but he ended up making a new character. Judges, was I wrong for coercing this sacrifice from my player? I was in an unusual situation where my bad guys plan fully worked so I felt a little uneasy about the result. I await your harsh but fair judgement.

Jordan Battle

To the starlights of my life ever glowing from their benches on high…and the…what’s his name again? It’s a J name I’m sure…Jacket maybe? Anyway… I’d like to bring you the case of Molly Fondles. You know how in every movie or show when the bads come to town there’s always the town folk that switch sides? The sex worker coded folk (most often women) who hitch their wagon to the new power in town and often speak in whatever the ‘lowborn’ accent is. That’s this character. My girlfriend is playing an human assassin rouge named ‘Molly Fondles’. At first I thought it was hilarious, she speaks in a terrible rough cockney accent snearing things loudly like ‘YOU HAVE TO GET UP EARLIER IN THE DAY TO GET ONE OVER ON OL’ MOLLY FONDLES’ and will not drop character voice at all. She mostly refers to herself in third person. Judges here’s the issue. Her character will often leave the group to suck up to whatever power is in town. Becoming the cheerleader for various mayors, sheriffs or other judges. Sometimes she will assassinate them if our party appears stronger or has the upper hand…but other times she’ll mock us from jail and refuse to let us out unless we have our orphan NPC with us whom she’s grown attached to. I’ve talked to her about it and she says that this is what the character would do and I don’t think she’s wrong based on similar characters I’ve seen in movies, TV and in books ect… My question is: how do I get her to stay with the group without having to have the child NPC with us or having her character die in game? I humbly lay myself down before you and ask for advice as Molly Fondles has thrown me for a loop.

Dylan C

To the Most Honorable Justices and the Cool Cool Bailiff Jeff (Geoff?), I have been playing dnd with the same group for about four years. Our usual set up is three players and a DMPC to help balance the party. One of our players was really new to dnd when we started so we tried to go out of our way to cater to them. We let them drive the party choices most of the time, we regularly bent rules that were too complicated for them, and we had to institute a no pc death policy since they found the idea of their character dying really upsetting. This special treatment has persisted to this day. Recently we finished a campaign, and that player asked if he could try DMing a one shot before our usual DM started a new campaign. We agreed, and he told us all to roll level 7 characters. As soon as we started playing it became clear that our Interim DM had not prepared. We were supposed to spend five nights in a haunted hotel, fighting the monsters. Instead we were subjected to a long, incoherent, and confusing shopping episode in the town around the hotel. This happened multiple times and stretched the “one shot” into six sessions. When we tried to go back to the hotel at night to fight the monsters, we were not allowed to fight them. They instead made idle threats but ran away and vanished once the party tried to fight them. And we got the feeling that the Interim DM didn’t have any stat blocks prepped. We tried to be patient since this was the first time he was DMing, but then came the final fight. Despite telling us to roll level 7 characters, he had us fight: a bone devil, two nagas, four skeletons, and four ghasts all at the same time. He kept targeting my Paladin because I was the only one with healing abilities. He never attacked his own DMPC, claiming that he “forgot he could do that”. The fight resulted in a TPK where only his DMPC survived, and the DM was both smug and gleeful about killing all of our characters. Judges, I know that DMing is difficult, but was this unreasonable? He literally cackled when our characters went down. I humbly await your verdict. [Jake, please wait until the moment you think it’s funniest to reveal this] PS: Our Interim DM is my 10 year old nephew.

Ally

Dear noble justices on high and their part-time intern Douge. I have a dice Christ confession. My friends and I started our first campaign at 15. We all still play together 12 years later and have shared many wonderful memories at the table. However, one memory haunts me from when we were 15 and I experienced my first character death, needless to say, I was distraught and much to my shame I did not handle it well. My new character was called Sky and only wanted to quote "be an outlaw" which translated to him stealing openly, attacking anyone who disagreed with him at the drop of a hat, and even killing a saloon owner who wouldn't give him free beer. He was a true maniac, and I was the kind of player I wouldn't let within a mile of my table now. Sky was arrested and eventually executed by a sheriff. This was a fair and good in-world way for the DM to deal with my shithead character. Unfortunately, this was not the end of Sky as 15-year-old me made another character called Sky who was essentially the same person. This started a series of 5 Skys I played, each one more unhinged and unhelpful than the last. All died in a variety of very justified ways, the last two were even killed by the other PCs. After a talk with my DM, I saw the error of my ways and made a reasonable character who engaged with the world and campaign collaboratively but I still think of the Skys sometimes and feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. I hope one day to earn Dice Christ's forgiveness for the session after session I derailed with my series of edge lords

Cam The Spooky Frog Man, William Schitz Cousin

To the Indubitably High Supreme Crit Justices and the Spectacular Bailiff Jake Hurwitz, I present the case of The Exploding Joke I play with a group that takes turn being the dm. During our first campaign we were climbing up a time tower. Each floor giving us a level till level 5 where we fought a dragon. During the battle the druid decided to drop their gunpowder barrel they got earlier in the tower, naturally as a gunslinger I thought to shoot the barrel. I did exactly that causing the barrel to explode in the face of the dragon.. and the party. They instantly started razzing me, saying they had a plan i didnt hear due to getting distracted. The jokes have persisted for the last month everytime I say I have a plan during combat. Am I being wrongfully jazzed because I shot a barrel of explosives or did I do the right thing. I await your humble judging Ps: we ride oppa jake style

Stephen Fowler

May it please the Court. My name is Jake Hurwitz and your bailiff keeps on trying to steal my identity. I present to you the case of the Whiny Werewolf. I’ve been DM’ing for my friends for the past two years. Early on in the campaign, my players fought a werewolf. During the fight, the wizard got bit by the werewolf and I made him roll a constitution saving throw. He rolled bad and I grimaced and said “oooookayyyy” in my best DM voice. The paladin said “oh I bet you just contracted lycanthropy,” but I neither confirmed nor denied the allegation. My players proceeded to never again think about the werewolf after that session. I, however, started keeping diligent track of the moon phases in the campaign and 8 real life months later, it was finally a full moon. I narrated how the wizard started to feel weak and sick until finally he woke up in the middle of the night and transformed into a werewolf. He attacked the party, almost killing the paladin and, in fact, killing two NPC’s (that weren’t that important). Everything turned out ok but the wizard was mad at me for not telling him he had contracted lycanthropy. Should I have reminded my players that they got bit by a werewolf? Or was I in the right to build suspense for the big reveal? I lay my fate at your feet.

Zaq Putnam

To the powerful, holy, and hopefully kind supreme crit justices and the just fine but in an okay way bailiff Jack. I come seeking forgiveness for my over the top goofing that might have hurt some feelings. A few years back one of my best friends started dating a guy who also played dnd and we decided to do one shot with him and I was pumped. I made a homebrew magical girl dude bro named Chad and we all met up and started playing. The new boyfriend, now my friend's husband, was dming. Pretty quickly our players were womped by cultists and kobolds, within 30 mins of starting we were knocked out! He felt a little bad about it, he had run this one shot before but the party he had before had much higher AC overall and my dude bro sailor moon had the highest at 16 I, trying to be extra and mess around to lighten, started making fun of the situation and acting over the top. It was a one shot, I liked the character I made but I knew it was just one of those things that happen when playing so I wasn't mad, I was just giving him a hard time and in the moment he was laughing but I am afraid that I hurt his feelings. I bow down in shame. Can being a drama loving goof be forgiven not only by the court but by my best friend's husband. How do I ask for forgiveness? Is this a big sin or is my anxiety getting the best of me?

rollinginthecrits

To the exquisite and elegant Crit Justices and Baliff Jake (who requires a genetic disposition to enjoy like cilantro and I love cilantro but I know it's not everyone's thing) - I come to you with a dice quandry that might also need Dice Christ. What is your take on gifted dice when you have fallen out with the person who gifted to them to you? A few years ago, a friend gifted me my very first set of dice. However, our 20 year friendship has since ended with not a bang but a whimper, as this person simply just decided to stop talking to me. (I know this is where Emily probably says there has to be more to this story, and I swear on the legal scramble man himself, I genuinely do not know what I did and there was no blow up fight or an incident I can think of.) Since getting that first set all those years ago, it is safe to say that I have become a dice dragon and have plenty of sets to still use. That first set hasn't rolled well enough to make it into my regular play rotation for at least a year. I feel weird about throwing out dice and I am unsure about gifting dice that might need an exorcism. Can the dice be cleansed? Should I just give up on them and be content with my hoard? Please help!!

Jacob Peterson

To the lovely judges and the bailiff who's name I shamefully share. I bring you the case of the DM referee. So I have been dming for a group of my very close friends for around 2 years consistently. It was recently my birthday and as a gift one of my friends dm'd a one shot where we were all minions in the big bads castle. The trouble started when one of my friends--who famously has very strong opinions and a powerful will--showed up in what I thought was a referee shirt, black and white stripes and all. I asked her if it was a referee shirt and she said no so I moved on and didn't think much of it. Cut to us playing the one shot, having a great time, and one of the players had to roll a check that he didn't know the stat for. I quietly pointed out the stat he needed, which was immediately met with my referee friend pulling out a whistle, blowing it loudly, and yellow carding me for "backseat dming." She was worried I might try to correct the person dming because I was so used to not being a player; although, she later admitted I had really good manners during the session. Judges, was she right to call my bit of advice backseat dming, or was I right to try to be helpful for another player? P.S. I thought the bit was hilarious and no one got their feelings hurt

Chris C

To the infallible justices and pretty fallible bailiff, I submit the case of the murdered kobald. This happened several years ago, but still bothers me to this day. My group was guarding a convoy while we travelled searching for some ancient artifacts. While on the trail the wagons were stopped by what was described as a “ kobold artificer accompanied by an owlbear”. Our group quickly ran off the owl bear and my character grappled the kobald and had him give up their weapons. I tied them up and took them into the wagons to ask them questions. After asking them a few questions it became obvious that the kobold had nothing to do with the main story and was just a random encounter. They said they only attacked the wagons because they had been lost in the woods and hadn’t eaten in days. My character was a do-gooder and I decided to take the Kobald to the next town. While telling the kobold I would protect them until they were back to a town, another party member said “oh so he doesn't matter, I crack his skull with my mace” They then crit on the attacked and killed the kobold outright! This led to an in character argument and PVP where we knocked each other out. It didn’t create any problems at the table going forward, but it still weighs on me today. Was my party member right to cave in the kobolds skull? Or should they have simply let me save the little guy and drop them off on the next stop

William Porter

To the honorable supreme crit justices Murphy, Axford, and Tanner; and the stately bailiff Jake I present to you the case of the Missed Connection. I'm DMing my first campaign and think I made a big mistake. In a previous session, the adventurers were fighting a group of bandits, and as one bandit went down they realized that he was a missing teenager who was under some sort of spell, not in control of his actions. During our most recent session I positioned the adventurers in the jailhouse with the injured teenager. One adventurer said he felt bad for injuring the child, so I anticipated that he would interact. Instead of interacting with the places and people that I described to the adventurers as they entered town, they chose to leave town ASAP. The player who leveled the last blow against the teenager described that he wanted to leave some money for the boy while he slept. I allowed him to do so, and the adventurers didn't pick up any of the lore that they could have gained from the kid. I am kicking myself for not having the kid wake up. The day after our session that player texted our group saying "you talked about that kid a lot, I really should have talked to him." Should I retcon that moment and offer a flashback scene, or should I punish the player's for not following up on my very heavy handed attempts to get them to talk to the kid?

Brandon Maier

To the plebeian Justices Spanner, Waxboard, and Burp and the respectable Bailiff Jake, I bring a case against the court itself. For too long have you basked in the sun, filling our heads with empty promises to never be fulfilled. Once, the great Henry Hogfish promised a pilgrimage to Western New York to see his beloved Bills, and yet here we stand having never been gifted that occasion. I call on the court to make right this slight and journey to the colder climes. If not Buffalo, may I suggest Rochester, New York as the destination for the 2 Crew to grace us with their presence. While here you can visit the National Museum of Play where an exhibit is dedicated to Dungeons & Dragons along with various interactive video game exhibits sure to titillate the Justices. Afterwards you can enjoy Rochester’s signature dish (and world’s best drunk food, the Garbage Plate). Please, I implore the Justices to redeem their honor and visit Western New York.

Cade Roberti

To the honorable justices and the lascivious bailiff Jacob, I bring you the case of the Capricious Cleric. A while back, I started a campaign with a few friends. This was my very first time DM'ing, and my friends were either familiar but had not played before, or this was their introduction to D&D, so this was a lighter campaign. I was very excited and had put together a world and storytelling elements that revolved around specific characters and their backstories. I had given one character, our gnome cleric, a tie to the major BBEG of the campaign. However, on the day of the first session, my friend playing the gnome cleric had sent me a message about a half-hour before we started, saying he might "sit this one out." I grew concerned, telling him he had to come and that I made plans for his character. He told me I could improvise and figure something out. He ended up coming anyway, but I felt like I harshed the vibes with my insistence. Judges, was the cleric being irresponsible, or should I have been more considerate of a friend? I await your judgment.

NowWhatComix

Greetings to the dear dear dear justices and also Jork, I bring to you the case of the Hidden Hue Mann. To set the scene; my friends and I play over discord. We make ample use of ‘secret chats’, between players and the DM. It makes for some fun in-character reveals, but it can mean that sometimes secrets stay that for a bit too long. I play a changeling artificer named Hue Mann the Human. He blinks both eyes at the same time, walks one foot after the other, and other completely normal human things like perfect vocal mimicry. Judges. It’s been 3 years. They still don’t know. The campaign fell through and got restarted and I’ve still kept this secret. I’m in too deep. I swear I’ve tried everything short of shapeshifting in front of them. One player KNOWS I’m lying about being human but doesn’t question it! My DM even described his human form melting off one arm and they STILL don’t get it. Please, Jork and Justices, who is in the wrong here? My psychotic secret keeping, or my friends accepting the obvious false information?

Courtney F.

Bless me Dice Disciples for I have sinned. It has been 20 tepidly tormented years since the events of this confession. At the tender age of 15, I inadvertently ended a campaign when I quit because....well, essentially because my fighter wasn't cool enough. I can recall neither the rolls nor the reasons leading up to my leaving, but I remember the breaking point well: when MY strength check failed to save an ally teetering on the edge of a cliff but the FUCKING WIZARD pulled it off. I couldn't take the embarrassment. I left and the campaign ended. Dice Christ has walked beside me through these past 20 years when I have played any other class but a fighter. In my most recent campaign when we hit level 16, I - a full Life Cleric - briefly contemplated multiclassing into Fighter...and then the DM abruptly ended the campaign citing familial duties. Oh wise Disciples of Dice Christ herself, please, tell me, when will I have paid my dues for my 15 year old table flippin' 'tude? When do I get to be.. A super bad ass fighter in a D&D campaign?

JoshP

Dice Christ Confessional Infallible Apostles, I come prostrated in front of you as a lowly lowly sinner who seeks forgiveness from dice Christ. I recently finished a 1.5 year long campaign as the DM. My party was fighting the BBEG Tiamat. She had 3 HP left after my paladin player landed some hefty smites. The sin in question began when he used his reaction to let my DMPC make an attack. I made the attack and it hit dealing around 20 damage which should have finished Tiamat off. I scribbled on my notepad and told my party she is now on deaths door just barely hanging on, which then let my sorcerer disintegrate her in a giant magical explosion. I didn’t want to steal the thunder from my players by having my DMPC take the killing blow. I will happily accept any punishment you see fit.

Matthew Sturm

To the discerning justices and the oblivious bailiff Jape, I present the case of the flip flopping dm. My group is about to start a new campaign where we play monster hunters on a small island. We had a session 0 where I proposed my character, a satyr cursed to turn into a wild beast who used nature magic to channel it into Wild Shapes. The dm was concerned about me turning into a wild animal because it could derail what is supposed to be a small campaign. I assured him that my character was now fully in control while in wild shape, but occasionally couldn’t control what form it took, which he seemed to be fine with. Later, when I texted him my proposed mechanic for the curse (rolling a Nat 1 before wild shape makes me turn into the wrong animal), he said he didn’t think that was harsh enough for a curse, and that maybe I should start attacking the nearest creature. I told him I intended for the curse to mostly be flavor, and that potentially attacking allies or innocent people would make the party feel like they had to get rid of the curse and sidetrack the campaign. He still seemed unconvinced, so I added some stuff about not being able to concentrate on spells and having to make a WIS save to exit wild shape. I don’t have a problem with adding some extra mechanics to the curse, but am I right to be annoyed that he wanted them to be actively detrimental and distracting to the party, even though he had previously said that he didn’t want my backstory flavor to distract from the main quest?

Drenched in Syrup

There is a lot more insane occurrences but I surely didn’t want to leave an entire novel

Jake de Medeiros

May it please the court, I’d like to present the case of the stoned session, and the day-after regret. I’m a player in a three person party, we’re all university students in Saskatoon, Canada. Two sessions ago, we ended our session with our characters encountering a tribe of centaurs that we had to befriend. One of the centaurs said that in order to ride with them, we needed to each pass a spiritual trial. We ended the session there. Our DM then told us that for our next session we all needed to get stoned, because the centaurs were going to have our PC’s take drugs to enter a dream state where the trials would occur, and it would be more immersive if we were also in an altered headspace. This sounded fun, so we did it, our DM stayed sober while the rest of us smoked and sat down for the session where our DM guided us through individual trials to judge our characters morality. Two of us passed our trials, but our third party member failed his trial when instead of helping an injured pixie, he squished it. Here’s where we need the courts judgment. Our DM ruled that the punishment for failing the trial was death by firing squad (which we didn’t know beforehand!), and the PC who squished the fairy was shot with dozens of arrows and killed. We thought it was funny, and none of us were really in the headspace to fight back, but now the DM wants him to re-roll a character so we can continue with the adventure, however we’ve now realized that we think it’s unfair that he was killed during what was essentially a cutscene, even though he deserved it. Judges, I submit myself to you, should we be given a Mullaghan on this one? Thanks, Clive

Tophat Pete

Honourable Justices, I ask you to ratify my actions regarding a work dnd group. Someone we shall call Bob has proven to be, in my opinion and that of some others in the group, a problem. We have been playing his campaign for more than a year, but still have no discernable plot or story. We have met only a handful of NPC's all of whom have been Ryan Urphy types. We have no knowledge of the worlds lore or history. One player wanted to be a paladin and asked what gods there were, Bob said he couldn't reveal that. Another player started DMing a second campaign in which Bob is a pc, however as a player he has proven almost a problematic, constantly hogging the spotlight, going on long solo side missions, backseat DMimg and acting superior to other pcs. After being approached by another player, I have set up a secret campaign, having hand picked my favourite players from the group. I know Justice Murphy may suggest I stop interacting with Bob, but I need to sit beside him at work. I seek confirmation that it is ok to set up a secret campaign and keep Bob in the dark. Ps. The court has ruled against Bob in the past: 27th October 2023, main episode, 21 minutes.

Brooke Sanders

Dearest justices and……. Anyway I bring you the case of 5e vs. 2024 My cousin, let’s call him Jake, was visiting me Thursday through Monday. It just so happened that Friday was dnd night and Hake is a veteran player. I asked if he wanted to play (with permission from my players) and he agreed. I recommended that since the party consists of a Barbarian, Paladin, and Rogue that he play a Healer or Charisma character, but ultimately left it up to him as ling as he build using only PHB material and told me his name and backstory (to make sure it wasn’t world-breaking) Justices, Jake came to table with the exact same Barbarian build as my player with one difference, Jake used the 2024 material instead of the 5e we used. I let it slide since he was playing the character differently and it was a one time thing. Justices it gets weird. Jake would make a big deal about using his 2024 exclusive abilities. At first, this made my other players excited to add 2024 abilities to their characters next session. However, Jake continued to make a big deal out of it and even started getting angry at my players for not using 2024 abilities. I called a food break and pulled Jake aside. I told him that his 2024 edition knowledge was impressive and that I appreciated his contagious excitement for the new content. However, he was starting to make my players uncomfortable and I asked him to tone it down. Justices, Jake packed up his things and left! He was supposed to stay the weekend with me and he never returned! I humbly ask: was I wrong for asking Jake to chill? I await whatever decision you come to

Celeste H

To the awe-inspiring judges at and the just okay bailiff Jake, I present to you the case of the nerfed familiar. I play a divination wizard and regularly summon a familiar in the form of an owl so I can gain advantage on spell attacks by getting the help action. But my DM says that familiars can’t provide the help action that way. I pointed out that RAW, the help action can be used to give advantage to attack actions. But because of the wording of the help action, my DM ruled that advantage could only be given to melee attacks, which doesn’t really help my wizard character at all. I should note that my DM is fairly inexperienced, and I feel bad pushing the point in fear of discouraging them from continuing the campaign since I know they’re busy. I also get the feeling they feel like I’d be over-powered if I was allowed to get advantage on spell attacks with my familiar. But I’m pretty sure the help action is supposed to apply to ALL attack actions, not just melee, right? Justices, should I try to approach my DM again, or just continue to play with a nerfed familiar? Or am I reading the rules completely wrong? I humbly await your judgement.

Brandon Maier

Good Afternoon, Illustrious Justices and I think that’s it, I don’t see anyone else. Today, I bring before you the case of Groom v. Groomsman. Recently, I celebrated my 2 year wedding anniversary with my wife (sorry for not sending a Save the Date) but I’m still haunted by something that transpired at my Bachelor Party. The party was a low-key affair with my closest friends and my best man tasked another friend with DMing a one-shot adventure as part of the festivities. The game was great with each of us playing ourselves, having been sent to a fantasy world, a luck-thief BBEG, explaining my lifetime of Murph-esque rolls, and a full suite of drinking rules to give me (the groom) advantage. The trouble, your honors, was with one of the other groomsmen. The game opened with us getting ready for my wedding at the venue and the first thing this groomsman says is, “I try to sleep with the bride.” Cut to later in the game which required us to gather a bunch of keys, the same groomsman refused to let us use his key and instead held onto it until my best man and other groomsmen wrestled it from him with a series of grapple checks. Do I have a right to be miffed in this scenario or should I just let it go as roleplay decision. I throw myself at your mercy.

Contender in the making

To the benevolent judges and a guys whose " name is jeeff" (remember that video?) I present the case of false roller This was years ago. I was playing a game with some friends it was most of our first time except for our dm whoi had played for years. We were about 2 hrs in when u noticed my friend to my right rolling is dice and placing it next to his sheet until he would stop randomly, then when he was asked to roll he would say something like " I did it was a 17". I realized that he was just rolling till he got a high number and leaving it until he got asked to roll. I waited till he did it a few more times and no one else said anything. I eventually turned and said " hey man I can see what you're doing can you just play the game normally so it's fun " This did not go well. It turned into a big fight which led to the player leaving in what can only be described as a huff Everyone was mostly on my side but they still make jokes about me "taddling" Was I in the wrong for taddling or is it fair to just wanna play ? The others said they didn't want him there because of how angry he got not because of the role issue

SiteZero

Hello honorable justices who can not be bought unlike the Supreme court and the Bailff Justin who gives Florida energy (in the bad way). I am a long time DM who has started to introduce friends to the game that haven't had the ability to play before. Recently they have been having such much fun that they are surprising me with their friends (which I take as a compliment) this is not the case I present tho. I have run multiple books (which I alter significantly to kinda make my own campaign and just use the book for assistance with timing) and we were halfway through Out of the Abyss when one of these "new additions" asked if he could DM the next campaign. I was super supportive and excited to be a PC. This is when problems occurred. We have been running combat heavy comedic campaigns for the most part but the more we all keep listening to him planning (which he did very loudly during break times and forced conversations in that direction) he is planning a super serious Warhammer 40K political roleplay campaign and got super defensive anytime we tried to Crack anytype of joke. The other PCs and I had discussions that we didn't want to play that and voiced that to him but he just kept saying trust me yall will have fun. During the final session we all told him that another of the "new additions" wanted to run a Fallout new vegas esc combat heavy comedic campaign and that is the direction the group is deciding to go this was met with a "OH we'll see about that". The epic conclusion I had designed in my campaign was that the Demogorgon offered them a wish if they sabatoged a simple wedding and killed the Groom. What I didn't tell them and they didn't roll high enough to know is that the grom was Graz'zt and the bride was Juiblex (in a human form I made). They hijacked the systems to keep the wedding secure and weaked everything before rushing in the finish the job (kick ass right?). They all formulated the plan to finish off the the bride because she was significantly weaker. This is when "new addition number 1" (let's call him Corey) breaks formation as a monk and uses insane movement to barrel rush the groom way across the castle 1000's of feet away while saying at the table "I'm getting that fucking wish so I can wish us all into my 40K campaign, y'all will have to play it then". While the rest of the party was struggling to finish off the bride he rolls a higher initiative and gets first round of combat against the groom greatly weakening him (putting him on deaths stoop). I see that the rest of my party was about to defeat the bride, so I cheat and use Graz'zt teleport ability and just move him into the room with the rest of my party problem solved. That's when from across the table I hear "Um, Actually his ability only let's him move 120 ft" so I bullshit and say "Correct but he is using the spell which allows him to go anywhere he is very familiar with and since he was planning on getting married in the ballroom he would be very familiar with it". This gets me a sigh and his turns become I run 180ft while the rest of my party are slaying the groom getting the wish and using it to wrap up the campaign where they all either go back home or set themselves up with the life they were seeking. He refused to narriarate his ending and even took a six pack home that wasn't his. I await my sentencing for if my crimes of bending the rules to prevent someone for hoodwinking future campaigns.

Sharkey Dalty

To the magnanimous justices and Jake-me-boy! I bring to you the case of the bored, under-leveled, mustard loving cleric who was never invited back. When I was in college, I got word of a HUGE DnD group that consisted of about 22 players and 5 DMs. The DMs had all gotten together and created a giant home brewed world that was pre-filed with monsters and magical items. If you wanted to play, you would sign up for one of their sessions and just show up with a random group of people to plunder and adventure. There was only one problem. Everyone in these parties ended up being different levels! It was my first time playing and I was STOKED to play. I begged my friend to let me join, and he added me to the group. Unfortunately, my first session consisted of 5 level 6 PCs and I had to start at level 1. During this particular adventure, the crew ran into a HUGE band of hobgoblins, hobgoblin commanders, and hobgoblin devastators that were WAY too strong to fight. It was a complete blood bath and everyone's PC died. I knew I was under leveled, so my cleric instead sat on top of a hill and "Watched it go down." On my turn in combat, there was nothing I could do being so under-leveled, so I instead rolled to see how good my lunch was and if I had mustard for my sandwich. After this, I asked my friend when the next time I could play would be, considering I wanted to level up and do more, but he became cold and distant and would change the subject every time I brought it up. I realize he might have thought that that I was making fun of the game by "Roliing for lunch," but I just wanted to participate in the roll-play. It made me sad and I stopped playing DnD until I found NADDPOD years later. Justices and Jake-me-boy, had I been unfairly snubbed out of the game, or was I wrong to not participate in their battle and roll-for-mustard instead?

Cam G

To the intelligent justices and intransigent bailiff, I present the case of the Cringe Crits. I was rolling poorly for the first three hours of my group's weekly online game (not above a 10 on the die) and decided to spice things up. I felt the need for a good luck charm, something to cleanse the vibes as it were. I searched and searched for a word I could type in the Roll20 chat before rolling a flat d20. Being an online degenerate I typed "poggers" in the chat and then rolled. Good news: It worked! Twice in a row even!!! Two nat 20's on persuasion for my 10 charisma monk! Bad news: Another player, old enough to be my mother and definitely NOT a twitch viewer, tried immediately after and rolled a natural one. Did I curse my friend? Not only did I fail them in the dice roll methodology, but I also feel like a criminal because I earnestly explained what poggers means. They DID ask what it meant, but it's still cringe. Just lock me up already. There's photo evidence, my goose is cooked.

Bugbear OrMiss

To the magnificent Crit justices, the bailiff we deserve, and also Murph who I havent found it in my heart to forgive yet, I give you the case of the Bugbear-ian turned B-izard. I was playing a Bugbear Wizard in a homebrew campaign and a major part of his backstory was that he was the golden child compared to his hotheaded violent brother who was ignored and shunned by their hometown. My PCs call to adventure was that his brother ran away to join a barbarian horde because they were the first ones to give him the attention and praise hes wanted, and my PC had to stop him. When we finally caught up to my bro, however, the DM forgot his name several times. Then, instead of being a hotheaded violent barbarian, my DM described him as a smooth talking level headed commander and the first thing he did after seeing my PC was teleport to the other side of the city and magically summon a storm. I was, of course, more than a little confused, but I thought maybe the DM was setting up some sort of mistaken identity twist. When I mentioned that my Bro was acting not at all how I had written him after the session, however, the DM became despondent and asked why I felt that way over messages. When I re-explained my bros character, he didnt respond for two weeks and by next session my bro just disappeared off screen and the DM later asserted that he handled the character fine. Crit judges, am I in the wrong for thinking this Bizard was not the Bugbearian brother I knew and loved?

Tara

Forgive me fathers (and mother) for I have sinned. I am a brand new DM with limited DND experience and unfortunately that led to a major whomping. For session 0 for my 3 level 1 characters I set up a practice fight so we could get used to the mechanics. I like cats so I chose a displacer beast (CR3) and halved its HP. Honorable representations of Dice Christ's will on Earth, they triple killed it super fast. I was dumbfounded and asked what I should do differently. They suggested having a second one or just not halving its HP. I misunderstood and did BOTH. So then they were fighting 2 displacer beasts at full health when I realized that I hadn't been using the multi attack feature. So then they were effectively in a fight that was 8x harder than the first and I TPKed them in 3 rounds. They laughed it off but I still feel like their blood coats my hands and I seek forgiveness from Dice Christ's chosen.

Hanna Dahl

To the inspired Supreme Crit Justices and bailiff Jarp, I bring to you the case of the falsely advertised campaign. Shortly after I started playing dnd, I was invited to join a campaign being run by a family friend, I was a bit apprehensive because I only knew him and was the youngest person at the table by about a decade, but it was pitched as a “Fantasy High/Percy Jackson” silly high school adventure, so I was in. I built a 5 int labradorite earth genasi paladin who was just excited to make new friends. Cut to a few months in, where the campaign has become a graphic and violent mystery campaign, heavily featuring an addiction and murder via overdose plot line from another players backstory. There lies an issue, during session zero, I shared with the dm that those topics surrounding addiction are very sensitive for me and I would prefer to not have them be centered in the campaign. 6 months later, I finally had to step back after a combat that saw our beloved npc have their “golden IUD” ripped out in graphic detail. When I reached out to my dm that I needed to take a break, he stated “Oh was it (player character’s) backstory? I know it was probably upsetting you, but (player) wanted to explore it.” Since then I have not returned and the campaign fell apart. So I ask you judges, Was I wrong to hard bail on a highschool campaign that makes Euphoria look like Saved by The Bell? Or was my DM wrong for the campaign bait and switch? I humbly accept your ruling.

Maggie

Hannah v. D&D Bros To the honorable and illustrious justices and the Jonas Bailiff, and may it please the court. I come to you today not as a plaintiff myself, but rather as the representation on behalf of a client: my little sister Hannah. I believe my client has fallen victim to the know it all dnd bros. When my sister started with this group, she was the lone person that hadn’t already been a played with them. They had just switched DMs, so it seemed like the perfect time for new players. Wrong. Immediately the NEW DM starts referencing npcs from a campaign he did not run. A few sessions in, the DM and another player began teasing the group that something big was coming. The paladin is killed by the bbeg, and the player presents their new druid— an old PC. From the last campaign. That’s a way higher level than everyone else. Not only that, but this Druid has almost every magic item that they had in the previous campaign. Here is where the unforgivable sin transpires: at the next session, he announces that they’re all rolling new characters. My sister, attached to her bard, asks why and he unceremoniously says, “the town you were in burned down. It was burned down by the Druid’s nemesis from the campaign you weren’t in, and the druid is the only one that survived.” All of the PCs were killed off screen but one. Everyone else seemed fine with this, so long as it served the Druid’s story. So justices, I ask you today am I insane? Is it fair to drag someone into it only to have their character be killed senselessly? The prosecution rests.

Prof Bubbles

Update: Hello wonderful Justices and the big baby butthead Jake (I think he may be the bastard, or something?). I had submitted the case of my spotty memory Warforged Butler (described by you as Bourne-esque) and I was sentenced to character development and asking my DM about my faction points. It has only been a few sessions but things have shaped up well. I have told my creator's daughter (another PC in the campaign) about my memories and have begun constructing a 6 barrel revolver with the names of the 6 conspirators. Though things are proceeding slowly as a number of other conspiracies have begun to rear their head, I am continuing to enjoy this campaign which has been lovingly crafted by our DM. Thank you for your ruling and advice! P.S. I asked my DM what our faction points were at, apropos of nothing, and he responded "What?" So the word is still out on whether or not I'm getting the good ending

Colton Atkins

May it please the beautiful and benevolent justices and do whatever to that other guy I think his name was lake or something In 2015, I was invited by a friend to join our high schools D&D club. He already had a group, and they were just starting a new campaign. I didn’t know the rules at the time, but I was told it wouldn’t matter since they didn’t stick to them too strictly. The DM helped me create a level 3 human druid who preferred staying in bear form as much as possible, feeling it brought them closer to nature. Everything was going great until about 30 minutes into the session when we were searching the ruins of an abandoned quarry. After failing a perception check, we were attacked by a rust monster that dropped a magical collar around my character's neck, forcing them back into human form. The DM explained that the key to unlock the collar was around the rust monster's neck, but when we killed it, the key crumbled to dust, leaving my character permanently locked out of their animal form. I was devastated. After the session, I asked the DM why he took away my character’s ability to transform, considering that was the entire basis of my druid. His response was, “I just think druids are OP, dude. You can’t just be a bear forever.” So, I ask: was I wronged, or was he justified in collaring my character? I humbly await your judgement.

Logjam

To the three unerring justices and the hard- working bailiff Jake, I present the case of the Disappointing Draw. I play in a biweekly campaign with my boyfriend (the DM) and 3 of our good friends. We came upon a deck of many things, and each drew a few cards. 1 player increased a stat by 2, then promptly had his soul trapped in a gem. The next player drew a card that allowed them to erase or change any event, and they chose to use it to save the other player so he wasn't trapped in a gem. I drew two cards. One caused an unknown NPC become hostile towards me, and the second would allow me to level up if I handled the next combat alone. I ended up fighting a pretty difficult weretiger, and my level 5 college of swords bard got several crits, used 4 defensive flourishes, got bit and passed a con save to avoid contracting weretiger-ism. I ended the fight with about 10hp, I had used all of my spell slots on shields, healing words, and silvery barbs, and all of my bardic dice. I finished the weretiger off by hitting its exact HP, and my DM narrated that as it died, I hit level 6. Before I could celebrate he said, "but everyone was going to level up to 6 after the next combat anyway, so it's not really going to help you for very long." The next day, I asked my boyfriend/DM, if I was going to level up to 7 when everyone else hit 6, and he said no. I was frustrated, and told him that it was frustrating to essentially only gain that boon for 1 life- threatening combat, after I pulled 1 bad card and risked pulling another, such as the one that one that our other party member pulled. It was a 2 minute polite conversation. Surprisingly, the next time we played, everyone leveled up to 6, and I leveled up to 7. I was a little surprised, but excited because I didn't feel cheated out of the reward for overcoming the luck of the draw, as well as my difficult encounter. However, I cant help but feel a bit guilty, like I pressured him into letting me level up along with them. I ask you justices: Was I correct in advocating for myself? Or was I wrong to plead my case to my DM? May it please the court, Logjam (he/him) PS, if it helps: I've been a weekly listener since early campaign 1. My boyfriend listens to D&D courts along with me, but hasn't listened to main or side campaigns.

Emily Martin

To the super pretty justices and uh… um… wasn’t there another guy? anyways! I humbly ask for your judgment on a case that has resurfaced on a number of occasions to mock me. At the time I was playing my sweet, older sister type, paladin named Janice. For some ungodly reason, the other players as well as NPCs had an innate drive to hate her no matter how loving and caring she is. Like overly rude when she is trying to help them. We were at a random pawn shop which is when our DM tends to throw out the most random items that we as players will then find creative ways to exploit (as players do). The item being offered to me this time was a ring of random keys, like a hundred random keys. Not entirely sure why, but our DM started at his initial price then after I suggested a slightly lower price he haggled himself down to free very quickly without me being able to get a word in edgewise. I took a half a second to think and responded with “how about I take these keys off your hands and find what each one goes to. For each one I find where it goes, you pay me 5 gold.” Without hesitation, the shopkeep snatched the keys and said “the keys are off the table.” No opportunity for a persuasion roll or anything! To this day, “the keys are off the table” is said by all those who were at the table that day when I am pushing my DM too far. So I ask you justices, can you really call yourself a D&D player character if you have not challenged your DM to find where the line is? Is it not the players job to fuck around and often narrowly escape finding out? Or are the keys really off the table? I anxiously await your fair ruling. Ps I have never played D&D and I hate the show

ChappyThoughts

To the unquestionably magnanimous justices and the bailiff who is either lowly or not when this is read (Schrodinger's Jake), I bring the case of: staring at the double D's. (Sorry for the blatant use of "sex sells". I plan on running a short 4-6 session campaign but instead of rolling a d20 for my NPC attacks, I'm going to roll 2d10, treating a nat 2 as a crit fail. The point is to make monster attacks more consistently average so that combat ebbs and flows primarily based on character action and rolls. I was explaining to a friend about this and that I planned on keeping this a secret from the players initially to see if they enjoyed the combat more than normal. She felt that I should probably tell them upfront. I can see her point but I really want the unbiased reaction of a blind study. Justices, am I wrong to use this opportunity of a short campaign to experiment on my friends? I await your justice. P.S. In anticipation of the issue coming up, I always roll attack and damage together so multiple dice hitting the deck at the same time won't be notable.

Colton Atkins

Ps he also thought that online dice rollers were people in a warehouse somewhere rolling dice and cataloging the results

Devin Awe

May it please the most magnanimous, magnificent, murph-ect man of all time, Jake Hurwitz and whoever happens to be around Him when He reads it, This was my third session ever and a new player joined our table. The DM had his character introduce himself along with a plot hook for the session of accompanying him into the desert to investigate an attacked merchant caravan. The problem is that this new character was a drow assassin, covered completely in bandages to hide his race to avoid the prejudice and fear the surface world holds for his race. My response to the quest hook was an emphatic no, because going to secluded locations with people you just met completely covered in bandages in a fantasy world seems like a recipe for being murdered. I couldn’t see any reason a wise character would go with him, and since we were new players, we had no idea that drow were stigmatized, so the bandages seemed completely unnecessary. The rest of the party agreed with me on this and we refused to leave with him until he took off the bandages. The new player relented when he realized none of us knew about drow stigma, took off the bandages and led us into the desert for the plot hook. Lord Hurwitz, should we have gone along with the DM’s plot hook more easily, or were we right to exercise caution against a sus weirdo?

Yuncle Ben

To the supreme Justices and the lowest of the lowest bailiff Jake, I present the case of the High Roller. Early in the pandemic, I joined a D&D group on Discord, we were all new players and relative strangers. With that we’re rolling physical dice and announcing our results. Initially, the campaign was going great, lots of laughs and good times. But after a few weeks, our warlock's incredible luck started to feel like pure fantasy. It seemed like every other roll was a natural 20 and his other rolls were almost always a success. I became convinced he was fudging his rolls. Which I felt was ruining my experience. I raised the issue with the DM, who agreed with my conclusion. The DM's solution was to suggest we all roll in an online platform where we could all see the rolls. I agreed, as did another player, but the DM did not enforce it as a policy and the warlock and one other player wished to continue to use their own dice. I still remained annoyed. During one session, I tracked the warlock's rolls and finally verbally challenged him on one of his rolls. The discord room went dead silent before he answered insisting he wasn't cheating. There was noticeable tension for the rest of the session. The mood was soured, and the tension lingered into future sessions. Eventually, I joined another D&D group and left the Discord game. The original group disbanded soon after. So I ask: Am I to blame for the group's abrupt end? Is the warlock guilty for fudging his rolls? Or is the DM at fault for not enforcing rules.

Alex Kowski

To the honorable justices and the possibly more honorable bailiff, I bring to you the case of the interrupting cats on camera. While there is a precedent set for dogs on camera, my DND sessions have been frequently interrupted by cats on calls. I am the only person who does not have a cat in my party, and while I love everyone’s kitties, I am frustrated when the DM loses their train of thought on a narrative to tell us that their cat has moved from the closet to the bed. While getting ready we have an unofficial cat-on-camera time, but it is still not enough for my feline-owning friends. Can I tell my friends that while I love their beautiful pets, I was hoping to hear more about the campaign? I am prepared to follow whatever ruling you give, especially because I was possibly too nice to the bailiff up top.

NOBLIVION

To the Down Right Gorgeous justices and the 3 out of 10 on a good day bailiff Jeremy (?) I bring you the case of the blue ball lycanthropy. I have been a part of a large group of friends that have played DND for about 7 years now, where Me and 2 other friends DM regularly, let’s call them H and J. Back when I was fresh into the game, H was dming, I was playing as a half orc barbarian. While in a town of were wolf vikings, I pleaded with them to grant me lycanthropy but none of them accepted, even through we finished a major quest for their town. On the last night we were there, after a great feast, I was able to find one of the passed out Dennisons of the city drunk in a barn. After successfully getting my hand but without waking up the sleeping Viking, H refused to let me purposely fail a Con save to contract the curse. I felt let down but we continued on the campaign. Fast forward 7 years, and no matter what table we play in, ignoring all quest lines, H refuses to let my character contract lycanthropy, whether he is DM or Player. All culminating at our most recent session, where I was a Monk Dragonborn and we fought a were-bear. J was the DM this time, and when my monk was bitten, I was over joyed! I wanted a bad ass were-bear DragonBorn Monk H however used his reaction as a Rune Knight to take all damage from the bear. I even tried manually having the were bear chomp on my hand post mortem. To which DM J simply shrugged and told me to take a d4 of damage. I am aware of the blood hunter subclass, but I crave something a bit more spontaneous for how I contract the curse. Justices, I humbly ask, is lycanthropy simply not in the cards for me? Or is my friend being a werebear sized cock block? PS, this Saturday I’m DMing a brand new campaign with J and H playing in my party, I am tempted to inundate them with lycans from every angle.

ChefJustinLane

To the most honourable and venerable cardinals of the Church of Dice Christ and the first-time visiting deacon Jake, I usually roll fairly balanced as a player, so I haven't really been tempted to fudge rolls when playing. However, I roll exceptionally well as a DM. Whether it's in-person or virtual, I roll an absurd number of crits on my players. At a convention I ran games at last year, one player who was at my table several times watched me roll 20 crits on player characters in 3 sessions and only one meaningful nat 1. So, I have been nerfing my rolls. I will often roll with disadvantage for no reason, or even outright lie and say that a nat20 was really an 18 or 19. Recently, I feel it has started to affect my rolls as a player, as I haven't crit as a player in 5 sessions in three different ttrpgs. Am I being punished for ignoring the blessings bestowed upon me as a DM, or am I right to sacrifice the gifts given to me to avoid ruining my players' night?

VinDiagram

To the Glorious Justices and the inglorious Jailiff Blake. I present the case of a Handful of Hope. I run a beginners DnD campaign of Dragons of Stormwreck Isle. In our most recent session, the party rogue went down during a fight with a harpy and ghoul and failed their death saving throw (including a nat 1). After the fight, the paladin in the group asked me if they could use their lay on hands ability to revive the rogue. I told them that it wasn't possible at this point since the rogue was fully dead. However, they argued that the language of Lay on Hands made it so that they could restore hit points to a creature if they have hit points remaining in their hitpoint pool. We argued for a bit but I stuck to my guns and the party had to carry the dead rogue back to town. The player (an IRL lawyer) later came up and told me that they felt cheated since they read the language of the spell, played by the rules and got "shafted". Was I in the wrong to believe that a lvl 3 paladin can't perform divine miracles or should I have given the party nearly limitless revives using lvl 1 spell?

doctor worm

humble greetings to everyones favorite worm enjoyers and the early bird who somehow still misses the worms. today i present before you the case of the campaign-wide banned cantrip this one might be a little rules crunchy so keep with me here: one of my dear friends, who is notorious for finding all of the little loopholes in spell wording (and who the dm - her boyfriend - never likes to let “win” with her loopholes) was playing a little tiefling rogue/sorcerer who had taken booming blade, the cantrip! she had the metamagic option twin-spell, and figured that she was able to twin-spell cast booming blade to attack 2 different people, and give the effects of booming blade to both of them. she spent the required sorcery points, was within melee of both, i’m pretty sure she was a war caster who didn’t need her hands free to cast, and she was dual wielding either shortswords or daggers. the first time she did it, it was kind of glossed over and our dm let her do it, and then a different day, they paused combat for fully 30 minutes while they had an intense argument about the mechanics of it. i don’t remember how exactly that combat resolved, but i know she was never allowed to twin-spell booming blade whenever she brought it up in subsequent battles, and our dm ended up adding it to his list of “spells banned for campaign two” (the only other one is the ninth level spell wish, by the way).. all that being said: who in the world is right??? is our dm just a certified stinker for banning a simple cantrip?? the majority of the table disagreed with the dm, but there was never really concrete evidence for the combo being allowed, either! please oh please, benevolent judges, help me dunk on whichever one of my friends isn’t honoring the sanctity of dnd’s rules!!

Conor Standen

The Case of the Eviscerated first ever DND character Good morrow glorious and radiant justices I was playing my first campaign with a first-time DM who brought the party together as he was excited to DM for the first time. Before he started, he declared that this campaign would be more relentless, where he would be more brutal towards us and our decisions. He eased up on us after one of our overzealous party members died in session one after she charged headfirst into a basement and was quickly killed by a group of rats before any else of us could get into the basement. Today's case I am writing about occurred a few sessions after the rat incident. We were tasked to investigate some stolen products in a shop keeps basement to discover a cult completing a ritual to summon a demon. When it was clear the purpose was to flee the demon, the rest of the party fled. My halfling paladin, who worked to keep the peace in the land, saw the demon standing before me as a threat to peace in the region and stayed behind briefly before looking at the demon to determine what my character would do. I decided to run before I told the demon, "Next time we meet, you won't escape." When I turned to run, my DM stated that I had taken too long, and the demon didn't take kindly to my threat, and my character was now dead as the demon would just 1 shot me. I explained that I was trying to set up a cool role-play moment for the future and that I at least deserved to roll to see if I got away. MY DM relented, rolled higher in the initiative, and did one shot, my first-ever and character. Was I over-roll playing in this situation? Was I right to be upset that he just killed my character so quickly, or should I have taken his warning that this would be a more brutal campaign and just turned to run with everyone else? I look forward and humble myself to the courts glorious and honourably ruling

AlmostButter

May it please the court and that hogged fish of a bailiff I see sadly sitting alone on a bench outside the courthouse. I play in a game with my wife, sister, and a good friend from school. My sister is the DM. She’s an excellent DM, the setting is this cool steampunk 1800s London, and we all have a lot of fun when we play. However, one of our recent sessions ended with my character getting an encrypted note from one of his siblings. My sister said the note would need to be decrypted before we next played (we play about once a month). I of course procrastinated until the night before our next session and figured it would be a quick and easy solve, since at the end of the last session I had correctly guessed how the message was encrypted (a shift cypher). I was wrong, cut to me spending three hours in an excel file trying and failing to decrypt this message. When we started playing next I explained I couldn’t figure it out. My sister then explained the key to the cypher was the date my character opened his detective agency, a date I absolutely did not know. She further explained that it was supposed to be a group effort and we could’ve asked her questions. Something I felt was not communicated to us all properly. Justices, who was in the wrong here. I patiently await your judgment. PS. We quickly solved the puzzle together, once we had the key and have all moved on. There’s no hard feelings, and we are set to finish our campaign in a few sessions.

Darrius Davis, the guy from that one thing.

To my main man, the alpha and omega, the top cream supreme, Baliff Jake, and you know, the others, I have the case... of the mind goblin. I offered a case previously about my players being vicious tortures for the sake rigging a monster fighting ring and making bank. As suggested, while the party was away, I had the character they kidnapped and totured "pass away" but not before sending off a message to his cohorts and and leaving a note behind for his captors. When the group returned to their base of operations, they found the corpse of their captive aside a message written in his own blood that read "beware the mind goblin..." This message was on a cabinet door. My players immediately when into speculation for who the "mind goblin" is and have decided to take the corpse to Weekend at Bernie's it and try to figure out who this character might be, without searching any farther into the room. Your honors, I didn't have a character planned for the mind goblin. My intention was to have them search the room a little further and find another message that said "Mind Goblin these Nuts," but now I feel I need to create an actual creature for them to encounter. Justices and Jake, must I suffer from my hubris and give them the encounter they are so expecting, or do you still see a potential "ha, got eem" moment for me in the future? I await your righteous judgement... until Sunday, that's when session happens.

NowWhatComix

Dice Christ Confessional: Carpet Stats Emulate emissaries of Dice Christ and the Church of Rolls, I prostrate myself before thine divine judgement. I recently played in a oneshot, (shout out to Geeky Teas) and had to make a level one character quickly as I had thought we were starting at a higher level, and they needed a different class. As the DM set the scene, I rolled my dice on the carpet. Then again. Then once more. I rolled God Awful. We’re talking totals of 5 and in one instance, 3. (Roll 4 drop the lowest) I’m all for lousy stats, but this is ridiculous. (but this is ridiculous.) So I rolled once more. My stats ended up being all for naught, as the DM didn’t require rolls if they thought you role-played well enough, but I still feel bad. Please, take my sins and put them in the paper shredder with Jake’s dignity.

m. white

Dear Jake and the Chipmunks, I have an update on the case of the ultimate stiff arm. The DM has maliciously complied with his sentence, and we ran a birdless Ravenloft. When asked if this was going to be a one shot, our DM ominously replied "you'll find out." We entered a world that was conspicuously absent of birds, and as we entered a small village, this was the only topic the panicked villagers would talk about. They assumed that it was the work of a local mad sorcerer, so we trekked to a nearby ruin to confront him. Once there, we discovered his skeletal remains, and were immediately attacked by "a torrent" of insects. "There are so many insects that they are almost like a liquid," the DM explained. I'll spare you the mechanical details, but it was an immediate TPK. Our DM explained that the lack of birds allowed the insect population to explode, resulting in our sad fate. Has our DM adequately served his sentence? Is he now eligible for parole? Love, The Starting Lineup of the 1992 Buffalo Bills

Captain Positivo

To the caring judges/full time throuple parents of bouncing baby boy bailiff Jake, I come to you with the case of the Blink-proof Beatdown. I play in a 5e campaign with 4 of my oldest friends from school and I love it and them dearly. That being said I need your take on whether I was wronged during a boss fight we had a while back! We were level 5 and fighting a home-brewed Shadow-Demon that our DM had lovingly crafted into Big Bad we all wanted to smack. I play a Hexblade Warlock and had cast Blink on myself at the start of the fight, hoping that I could hit this demon and poof out to the ethereal plane to avoid retaliation as my character packs a punch, but is built of paper-maché. After a long fight, I managed to crit and let rip an eldritch smite for 70 damage oppa Onyx style. As I had no movement or bonus actions I went ahead and rolled for my blink and hit an 11, just making the threshold to successfully blink out. The thought of walloping the big demon and blinking out delighted me, so I asked our DM whether I could narrate the moment. This is something he lets us do from time to time when our characters pull off something cool so I was expecting the go ahead but was met instead with an “I have something to narrate as well…” Our DM gleefully described my character bringing the hurt down on the demon, which triggered a homebrewed, once per long rest, retaliation ability which would deal massive damage to me at the end of my turn. I reminded the DM that I had cast blink and would have a chance of avoiding this damage at the end of my turn. This started a drawn-out back and forth involving all players debating the wording of both my spell and the DM’s ability as written in the statblock. In the end it resolved that this happened before my character could blink and she went down with the fight ending shortly after. It was still very cool and we all love each other dearly but I cannot help but feel that I was slightly robbed of a cool ending to an already cool moment that I had. I throw myself at the feet of this infallible court and await your verdict.

Sam Easton

To the devilishly handsome judges and the impishly small bailiff, I bring you the case of the much too hardy fool. I was Dming a bloodborne themed campaign, and in classic gross Bloodborne fashion, one of my players had a parasitic eldritch worm in his body. In the penultimate session I was giving my players their last goodies and an npc offered to cure my player of his affliction. The player was given a choice of injecting magical Liquid Metal into his veins to burn out the worm, getting put in a cool puppet body and destroying the old one, or (added as almost a joke) putting a second worse abomination in his body in the hopes they would kill each other. My player immediately chose to ingest another gross slug. I had him roll medicine and told him that he would likely die from this and that the other two options would be safer and stronger. He ignored that and ate the worm. I had him roll some con saves and he failed. I panicked and told him he could still roll to try and get in the puppet or inject metal before he died. He made some rolls, none of them were over a five. I sweatily narrated the npc saving the pc and giving him the metal injection. I was drenched in DM sweat and my players could tell. My question is this, should I have let my player die and miss out on the final fight or did I make the best out of a bad situation. I humbly await your judgement.

Laine Farber

To the esteemed judges and bailiff Jork, I bring to you the case of the research pervert. My final semester of college I took a class called “Roll playing for the Actor.” It was a course intended to teach theater kids and writers a new approach to creating characters and the worlds they live in. It was my first introduction to RPGs, and I had a blast playing various one shots and listening to live play DnD podcasts. During the course I became close friends with a classmate. Flash forward two years and said classmate invited me to join a new campaign he and his friends were starting. I had only played a couple of actual sessions of DnD at this point, so I knew very little about mechanics or social practices of the game. Session one quickly became a fight with an invisible opponent in a castle made of clouds. Neither spells nor physical weapons were having an effect on the enemy. With my laptop in front of me, I did what I normal do when I don’t know what’s going on: I looked online for advice! I soon learned that googling monsters is a major dick move. I was reprimanded and we ended the session shortly after. I was not invited to the next session… Judges, this experience scared me away from playing DnD for the last four years, but I want to give it another try. So please tell me, am I barred from rolling for evermore, or can a careless newbie with high anxiety and a perversion for research try once again? If you rule that I can re-enter the world of RPG’s I humbly beseech that you provide me with other “dick moves” to avoid so I can refrain feomother un-written rules about the game I should know to avoid becoming a social pariah in the RPG scene?

hag

To the most honourable supreme court justices, and Jark; I present the case of the fair weather barbarian. We recently finished a 2+ year campaign that I DM’ed. Overall it was a wonderful experience, I learnt a lot as a DM, and everyone seemed to have a good time. However we are now planning our second campaign and I am wondering how I can politely ask my friend, the 1st campaign’s barbarian, if he actually wants to join. He missed more sessions than any other player in our large party - 7 players! - and rocked up late and hungover to the final session, telling me halfway through he had to leave early because he forgot about it and had made other plans. Justices, am I in the wrong to not want this player, who doesn’t seem to appreciate the time and effort it takes to DM, to not be part of my new campaign? Or am I being a big meany?

Lady Jacqueline P

To the most honorable court. May I present the case of the unfair DM. I recently left a campaign where the pay to play DM gave us unbalanced combats with at least one character going unconscious per fight, nerfed spells from session to session based on the session before and refused to deal with problem players until the group complained loudly and forced me to play on my tablet when my computer died mid session. My question is how to politely walk back my orginal good review of him to warn other players without getting it deleted by him?

Max Bailey

To the wonderful judges of the crit and a posthumous greeting to the late Jake Hurwitz, gods rest his soul. I bring to you the case of the Dropout's Secret I have just finished my fist year of university (what you would call college). The degree is in Applied Zoo Science, which isn’t pertinent, I just wanted to mention because it’s cool. Throughout the year I hosted a DnD club, with every week playing with the same lovely players, and making a full campaign and story with their characters integrated into the story. Over summer we decided to take a break- our last session was a climatic fight with my fist ever PC death, so we where all fine with waiting for a bit and continuing again next year. The problem arose when one of the players (my close friend outside of game, character name Zaire) let me (and only me) know during the summer break that he had failed his year, and wouldn’t be staying at the college anymore. This was obviously a shame. Problem is, the way the plot was going, there was no way of continuing without him- his character was integral to the next arc, as the party had vowed to go rescue Zaire’s warlock patron’s dad from Zaire’s family, all of which would be really weird to do without Zaire present. Usually I would just start a new campaign, which is what I am planning on doing, but the other players have started contacting me to talk about their plans for when we return. This puts me in a difficult position of not being able to tell anyone why we would restart, as those really aren't my beans to spill. Dear judges, do I lie to my players until the news inevitably breaks? Do I reveal potentially humiliating information? Do i do some other goofy thing related to a bit from earlier in the episode? I await your judgement.

John Richards

Dearest Sweeties and Jake, I present to you the case of the burrowing BBEG. After two years of a home brewed campaign, our party had finally reached the den of the Ancient Black Dragon, and we were prepared for an epic battle. Our DM, however, was apparently not… Our six level 18 characters were incredibly powerful, and fully stocked for this final showdown, and within 3 rounds, we had completely pulverized our arch nemesis. Using a layer action between PC turns, the DM narrated the Black Dragon dug his way underground. He borrowed, quote “so fast and so deep, that it would be certain death if we attempted to follow him”. So instead, we sat for 6 complete rounds (and about ten real life minutes), with nothing happening. We started looking for clues to a puzzle on our turns, and even considered ways to repel down the hole. Then suddenly and without warning (on another random layer action), the Dragon burst through the ground, causing multiple D8’s of area of effect damage, and went on to wreck our proverbial shit. The battle ended in a TPK. When we asked the DM, what the fuck? We were told that the Dragon went underground and consumed multiple supreme health potions to regain its strength, and then when he came back into the arena, the DM “remembered” about a bunch of abilities he forgot about the first few rounds. Justices, please tell me - did we get ripped off? This was such a fun campaign, and our DM did an amazing job building the world and letting us live out our power fantasies, and then at the last possible minute, we lost the game.... We switched DM’s for our next campaign, but it ultimately fizzled out after a few months - a lot of our enthusiasm just died (unlike the Ancient Black Dragon and his infinite supply of breath weapons and healing potions).

Caddy Wampus

To the honorable Supreme Crit justices and that bailiff guy, I bring you the case of the Attunement Panic. Recently in my campaign, our party helped defend a dragon's lair, the dragon's egg and the village of kobolds who worshipped her from a band of murderous mercenaries who wanted to steal the dragon's horde. It was an extremely difficult tower-defense style battle during which, my DM narrated that my wizard/cleric's spellbook was doing strange things (important later). We won the battle and the dragon said that while she would take the loot from the mercenaries for her horde, we could each take two items of our choice first. Our DM sent us a list of 72 rare or better magic items to browse between sessions and asked us to pick on the group chat so that we didn’t spend the whole next game talking items. I made a short list of items I was interested in, noting I was happy to discuss if anyone was interested in the same items. Our party's cleric expressed interest in two of the three items on my list, without acknowledging that I was also interested. I vented my frustration about this to my DM who is also my roommate, and he mentioned that my spellbook was changing and would require attunement if that helped me choose, given that the items I wanted also required attunement. I fell into decision-making panic and asked him more about what he meant about my spellbook. Eventually he told me that my spellbook was revealing itself to be a Grimoire Infinitus and he had wanted to reveal it through roleplay. After getting such an amazing treat, I abandoned the items from the list in favor of non-attunement items and the cleric got what she wanted. It all worked out fine, but I still feel bad for stepping on my DM's roleplay moment. Should I have let my frustration go and let things shake out naturally or was I right to want more information before negotiating for the contested items? I humbly await your judgment.

Elias Roessler

Hello to the honorable supreme crit justices and bailiff fake. I present the case of globe of confusion. Recently, my level 5 party found ourselves in the lair of a red wizard. When it came time for us to finally confront the wizard, we were confronted with a globe of invulnerability. As the DM pinged the spell on foundry for us to read I noticed that the wording said that it only stopped spells from entering and not my muscle bound Dragonborn fighter from going in. Upon being this up the DM became confused, eventually realizing that there were two versions of globe of invulnerability, one that prevented entry and one that didn’t. The DM quickly said that this was the one that prevented entry despite the wording saying otherwise. I understand that this was likely a mistake but I still felt slightly cheated as I had read the spell and waited through about 30 minutes of role play before he made the change

Snailis The Eldritch Snail

To the enlightened supreme crit judges and that mildly wet guy whom is reading this; I bring forth the case of the always invisible assassin. During my first campaign with my current dnd group. Me and my party had to fight an assassin. The gimmick was that the assassin was always invisible until it was with 5ft of someone. Sounds reasonable to fight, except that if you made any reaction to signal the other players it would reaction attack and knock you unconscious and replacing you with a fake. Judges the assassin made its way to me, and I the paladin who was relatively serious in every fight made a comment about a strange bird. The sorcerer kept. Asking. Questions. Which resulted in me being unconscious for the whole fight. Was I horribly wronged by our sorcerer? Or should I accept my unwanted nap? Ps. It would’ve been simple to just attack but we were roleplaying and wanted to be in character and our characters didn’t know about the ability.

Andrew

Oh great and terrible justices (and the mostly terrible bailiff Jeff) I beseech you for condemnation of my old DM. I was playing a pathfinder 2E game with a table I met through a friend. I was a Champion (PF2E’s version of a paladin) and for one of my major class upgrades I picked the mount option instead of sword or shield. These are fundamental upgrades for the class, and the class feats all tie into this specific choice. Upon making my choice I announced it to the table and asked my DM how we were going to make this work. He said next session since we were in the middle of a dungeon crawl. He then kept doing this for 4 or 5 weeks instead of actually telling me he didn’t want to deal with me being mounted. I finally had to ask to change my feet to something he would actually let me use. Keep in mind this was more of a power gaming table than a role play table, so this equates to a serious nerf for my PC. I beseech the justices to vindicate me in this minor annoyance that I can’t let go of

Dr. Draco Racov

To the most wonderful and fabulous Crit Justices and to the ever so mediocre Baliff Jake. I dutifully bring to you the case of the Healer who never heals. I am a player for many years and a small time dm. In this scenario I had been a campaign which was into its third year and we had one companion who had been with us the whole time, a light cleric halfling, and as the case name suggested they refused to heal. Now I may sound like I am being over dramatic but it is serious. Weather is be a minor wound or someone on the ground with two failed death saves they did not heal. Instead they, for some reason, would use a non magical cross bow! (We were level 16) This case came to ahead during a final fight against a lich who had possessed a skeleton dragon. As things were reaching their close the lich decided to use my character, who was unconscious with a failed death save, as leverage threatening to kill me if the party did not back off. In the order right before the dragon was our cleric, who everyone expected to heal me so even if I was attacked I would still survive, who instead of healing or doing anything useful they threw a first level guiding bolt at it and ended their turn. Our dm was shocked but still not wanting to break character did kill my character and by the time the fight finished the party didn’t have any high level spell slots to bring me back. I was reincarnated to be there for the epilogue, but I was still pissed as they had the spell slot to heal. But I wish to hear your ruling on if I am getting far too worked up over this, or if the healer should have healed. I humbly await your eloquent judgment

Trevor MacLean

Hi, judges <3 and bailey boy (to be read as Maximilian Pegasus of yugioh fame). I present the case of "am I am asshole for quietly killing one of my campaigns and secreting the one player I liked away to a different campaign" The group was made up as me (DM), rogue (the player I kept), a cleric (long time friend), and their spouse; the paladin. This campaign had been ongoing for over a year and the Paladin and I had butted heads multiple times. Pali-"The PHB says surprise works like this" me-"I use the Jeremy Crawford rules in Sage advice" Pali -"the stat block for this monster says it has this trait" Me- "I almost always modify stat blocks" The straw that broke the camel's back was when the party was when the party talked their way into a goblin fortress and started an assault from within. Pali decided it would be a good idea if the party ran outside the front door of the fortress and used the entrance as a kill zone. The goblins closed the door and locked it. He got angry that they didn't act like a horde in an MMO. Pali stopped talking all when I said "they're not that stupid". When I say stopped talking, I mean they stopped. They just didn't join the conversation on what to do now. And just sat their seething in an uncomfortable silence. I decided to end the game several hours early because everyone was visibly uncomfortable. This ended up being the last session we ever played and I secretly messaged the rogue and asked them to join another campaign. About a month later the cleric messaged the group chat and asked if we were ever playing again, and I replied that the rogue and I just weren't enjoying the campaign anymore. Was I the asshole for just quietly abandoning the campaign for the sake of avoiding conflict or should I have been an adult and dealt with it?

CrowsNestCraft

Sup Fuckers and Jake, I bring the case of the twice debrained player. I started a group at my local library and after about 6 months of playing with relative strangers most of us got comfortable with each other. At that time I made an arc centered around a town infested with mindflayers, due to my love of eldritch and body horror I was excited to run this arc. One player was always very quiet and shy, he played a monk and in the final mindflayer battle was stunning and striking 3 mindflayers while the other players took on an Alhoon and Night hag running the operation. After a successful save by one of the mindflayers it was able to grab him and after three turns of failed saves devoured his brain. My issue is the warlock and sorcerer were floating above and definitely had the opportunity to help in the three turns but just continued witchbolting and elbritch blasting the hag. The shy player didn’t try to ask for help but I feel like the team should have been there. Everyone looked at me like I put down the family dog and I ultimately ended the session early cause I felt awful. The event was made to be a win after using a boon to get him reincarnated into a different body and got a cult of his trail with his first body staged to be found. The player was also more vocal after this event and the next boss fight was more strategic. However during a Monster of the Week one shot months later another eldritch horror had ripped the same players brain out of another character. After another player reminding him he had luck this was remedied with a luck point and rewritten that he used foresight to avoiding it. My players looked at me again like I had it out for him. We haven’t played since due to scheduling but I feel like they may still blame me for not holding back after failed dice rolls. Fuckers, was I too harsh on him or should the others have stepped in? -John @crowsnestcraft

Chris Broderick

Forgive me Crit-ers for I have sinned. I come to you with a Dice Christ confessional. I gave myself advantage on a death save. I was a player in a game running the module "Tomb on Annihilation" which is made to be very lethal. Due to some very poor rolls in my previous session my barbarian had died and this session I got to start a new character, a warforged sorcerer. Within 5 minutes of introducing my character I failed a dex save in a trap door which basically took my character through a steamroller into a room below. instantly knocking him out. I failed my first death save then rolled a nat 1 on my next one. I was really excited to play this character and it felt honestly pointless to make another fresh one since it'd been literal minutes since introducing this one so I decided to roll again and was blessed with a nat 20. That character was my favorite character i have ever played both from an RP and mechanical perspective but I cant help but feel it was a false life. I still feel guilty as this was the one time I have ever faked a role. Will Dice Christ forgive me?

Kyle Delaney

May it please the Most Honorable Justices and also I guess it's cool if the bailiff is pleased but I won't get too worked up about it. I offer you a Case of Observed Keys. About a year ago, I was in a campaign playing a Conjuration Wizard, who have the ability to create a physical copy of just about anything they see (Level 2 Ability). We were in a sketchy monastery where the monks inside were clearly possessed, and while we were being given a tour, I let the DM know that my Wizard pays close attention to the Guide's keys. Fast forward to the possessed monks locking the party in the bedroom they "let us sleep in," and I eagerly use my Conjuration to produce a copy of the keys... until the DM informs me that I wouldn't have gotten a good enough look at the keys to be able to do that. I backed down in the moment, but after the session, I talked to the DM about it one on one. He walked past me holding his own keys to challenge my memory of what I'd seen, but I countered by saying this would be equivalent to making our Druid dissect a crab before being able to Wildshape into it (after all how else would they understand a crab's pneumatic muscle system?), since a Druid's Wildshape is also falls under "anything you have seen." We never landed on an answer, so I thought to bring the case to the Higher Crits Is my DM right, or should I have been able to free us? I await your humble judgement and/or likely lethal punishment

Carson Kleinbeck

To the beautiful and luscious Supreme Court justices, and my man crush Jakey Poo; I present the case of Throwing Turtles all the Way Down. I’ve been playing with a group of friends across multiple campaigns for several years now, and we just started a new campaign. The two people you need to know about are a Tortle Druid, and a Yuan-Ti fighter. We were in our first fight of the campaign chasing down cultist that had stolen some villagers and we were trapped in a hallway with cultist on either end. The Yuan-Ti, who had been talking about how delicious turtle stew is and measuring the turtle’s shell saying it would make for a nice shield, decided he was going to pick up the tortle and throw him like a battering ram at the cultist. The Tortle *did NOT object* but afterwards, the Tortles player text the group that he was leaving the table because he felt that his character was very disrespected and he wasn’t having fun playing with the Yuan-Ti character. My character didn’t intervene during what in retrospect was bullying. Is the Tortle player overreacting? Is it okay to throw another character without express permission? Or what should’ve happened? I’m still at a loss and our whole table is concerned that they’ve hurt the Tortle player’s feelings. Also, the Tortle player didn’t have his camera on so we couldn’t see if he was physically bothered.

The Wizard Sound

May It please Justices Axelrod, Muppet, and Tankard and the Bailiff Jake Hurwitz – I present to you the case of the party betrayal. I DMed a 5e campaign over zoom - about 2 years in, one of my players wanted to take a break from their character, and approached me with the idea of temporarily playing an agent of the enemy. One party member was on the run from the government, so I thought it could work narratively. However, the session where the party was betrayed did leave some folks a little bummed out and some were concerned that I railroaded the result. Here's what I did: We introduced the player's new character, a halfling named Svijka (Shvee- ka) who appeared to be a bard, but was mostly assassin rogue, through a trusted NPC providing them as a source of information on the local underworld. I gave some bard-specific skill checks to show that maybe Svijka wasn’t who they said they were. The players picked up on this, but Svijka rolled great on their deception checks. I gave some strange plot points and mystery that didn’t add up to keep them suspicious. Right as the betrayal was about to happen, I gave each player the chance to say where they were looking. If any of them looked at Svijka, they would roll initiative and the assassinate feature would not apply. However, none of them did, and the resulting combat led to one of the players (played by my brother) being abducted. The party put the frustration behind them after a couple of sessions, pulled off a rad rescue of my brother's character, and we happily finished the campaign, with Svijka reappearing as a chaos agent NPC. However, I do wonder if allowing the betrayal was the right call. Did I undermine the basic camaraderie that D&D is based on by allowing a party betrayal from another player? Was this bad DMing overcome by my players’ good attitudes? Was there a fairer way to run the betrayal? I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

anniemurphs

Update for the case of the Ride And Die: Beautiful court I commented this on the last short rest post but figured I'd send some more accurate, small clarifications. Firstly, I believe they were driving from central to northern PA, and had it not been mid-July it honestly probably would've been snowing. Second, my "uncle" has been Dad's bestie since they were kids but "uncle" Dave is a character (/derogatory... Jkjk) himself who dad is often somewhat frustrated by, so him being the bbeg is an interesting proposition... lastly from me: I only asked about the light punishment for my dad bc he was very stubborn by refusing to play again due to something that happened 40 years ago, but it is still understandable on his end and so I humbly and slightly embarrassingly will rescind that request and would apologize to the benevolent court and hope Dice Christ herself will forgive my unbidden judgement. I did play this case and your ruling for my lovely parents (shoutout Rob and Cathy) and they were very excited. To quote my mom, "Dad is puffy with pride," and he let me know that he's excited to rub it in "uncle" Dave's face. He also mentioned writing a response for y'all so... Stay tuned for possible update pt 3, maybe from him! Anywhoozle thank you for your ruling, fantastical court and ballif! Appreciate y'all so much ❤️ (obviously please feel free to shorten however you'd like and thank you again!)

Dani P

The Case of an AI Written PC Speech Honored Justices and Bailiff Jake, The court has made its position clear on the use of AI and RoboDMs (let us remember MurphBot!). However, I don’t believe PCs use of AI has been discussed and precedent may need to be set by The Supreme Crit. In my (first time DM) one shot turned campaign, a player (and NADDPod listener), plays Dinto a warlock with a patron the demigoddess of the dark side of the moon, wanted to perform a dedication ritual to their patron, which I was so excited to see and have players really interact with my world. The ritual was beautiful and the warlock read a touching speech that truly honored the blossoming connection between themselves and their patron. I was speechless and rewarded the character for this moment. I had no issues with the speech being pre-written prior to the session however, shortly after the ritual the Player said they had used ChatGPT when writing the speech. I felt like some of the storytelling magic was lost knowing AI was used for such an important character moment! Should Player AI use be limited to character creation or at least avoided for major moments of the campaign unless specified? I never anticipated this occurring which is why it was never initially discussed in our session 0. I humbly accept your ruling and/or punishment. Yours Truly, Sage of Stories (She/Her)

T Rogers

Good afternoon your honors, and may it please the court. This case is about a note-taker, and a deserved-but-unrecieved kaiju summon, and the relentless pursuit of justice. Our group has been playing a weekly Pathfinder game. It got crunchy, fast, so I have been taking incredibly fastidious notes (tabbed, reoccurring NPCs color-coded, running to-do lists). In the past, a bad attention to detail has burned our party with recurring baddies. Nearly a month and a half ago, our (level 4) Kobold Ranger asked if, as part of fulfilling a quest, we could get a kaiju summon as a reward. Our GM punted, letting us know there would be an opportunity soon. Now, six weeks later, our party faces a snapping turtle-esque monster that has been hampering the local fishing industry. Justices, imagine my to-do list, “get kaiju” highlighted in yellow. This was clearly the opportunity. Justices, imagine my face when, after a tense combat, we did not receive such summonable kaiju. With the facts presented, this prosecutor rests, and presents the following question to the court: was our party wronged? Is there any point to good note-taking if obvious call-backs are ignored?

Ben Hummel

May it please the Court, and also perhaps, the lowly bailiff Jake Hurwitz. I present the case of the Rule-less Lawyers. I DM a game for 5 attorneys, and I am an attorney myself. Some of my players, unable to prevent their sub-12 intelligence characters from being litigious, started a law practice in-world at a major Elvish city. Windblade, Adelaine & Bonk started off very successful, but now my players are accusing me of over-egging the omelette when I started introducing ethical dillemmas into their law practice. The Swashbuckling Bard/Rogue is now in front of the disciplinary board for sleeping with a client. The sorcerer warlock is being charged with witness tampering after being accused of casting charms in a fraud trial. The barbarian (who killed a dastardly prosecutor in non-sactioned one-on-one combat to secure the release of a client) is receiving fines for violating the civility clauses of the Rules of Professional Conduct. Essentially, they want to collect legal fees while not holding themselves to the standards of the fictional bar association of the Emerald Grove. Am I being fair in requiring these adventurers to conduct themselves properly? Or am I needlessly bogging down what could be a good mechanic and hampering good roleplay? I submit myself and my friends to whatever punishment you see fit, be it cruel or hilarious.

feoran97

To the Ultimate Supreme Crit Justices and the lowely Bailiff Tina, I bring the case of the one shot catapult. I am a long term player and DM (over 5 years) and I'm playing with a new DM and two new players (I'm a player in this campaign). The DM asks me regularly for advice, as he is new to the game and I have more experience. One of the new players (Banjo the tree frog wizard) was attempting to make ammo for the catapult spell by having the artificer make essentially shrapnel rounds that would burst into 6 projectiles upon impact. The problem was, he was trying to calculate the damage as 3D8 for each piece. This would make the damage 18D8 for a first level spell, and up to 66D8 damage for a 9th level spell. I argued that it would not splinter and split that damage, to which he brought up ballistic rounds for a firearm. I argued that the catapult spell propels something 90 ft in 6 seconds, or about 10 miles per hour, which wouldn't be fast enough to do the same kind of damage. His argument was that I was crushing his creativity and couldn't compete with my damage so was feeling left out in combat (I am a lvl 3 rogue and level 7 gunslinger inspired by deadeye). Am I wrong to get involved and save my new DM from setting a precedent that this was OK, or should I have just stayed out of it and let Banjo have his nuke? I humbly await your almighty wisdom and judgment.

Bryce Koser

Dice Christ Confessional: I DM for a group of siblings from my local church of that other Christ guy, they are 19F 17M 13M, and I’ve been having to fudge rolls in a multitude of sessions because they continue to take the most direct and simplest routes to whatever they need, and if I didn’t fudge my rolls our sessions would end too early due to the speed they complete tasks. I try to create interesting sandbox’s for the party to investigate and interact with but they continually choose the most quickest course of action like they’re trying to “win dnd”, or treat it like a video game and want to complete the task asap to get to the next thing. Is it wrong for me to lie on rolls to force my players to try other more creative solutions or should I let them pass on their simple/less fun solutions?

Tyler Murphy

Dear Dice Christ Confessions, I recently had to leave a Pathfinder 2E campaign due to some scheduling woes. The GM and I talked and figured out several ways for my character to exit, including becoming an NPC, being abducted by the BBEG, or going out in a blaze of glory during combat (my fave option). We had an encounter with a troll that went very badly. My HP dropped to 0 and I went to dying 1 (5e “unconscious”). Our healer also went down and when my turn came around again, I rolled a Nat 1, dropping instantly to Dying 3 (5e equivalent of two failed death saves). On my final turn I had to roll a 13 on the dice to or die. My brothers and sisters in Dice Christ, I rolled a 12. As a former probability agnostic, I stand before you changed, a true believer. I received exactly the roll I needed twice in a row to become a tragic sacrifice and make a graceful exit from the game while everyone else survived to play another day. Thank you and love you all, even Jorts.

Olbyack

To the High Justices Murphy, Axford and Tanner and the hardly worth the effort Bailiff I bring you the case of the enigmatic Lich. My party recently found ourselves on a floating city of a fallen empire. We found what appeared to be a Museum. We were talking about taking some memory crystals when a strange whispering voice came from the next room inviting us in. We didn't find anybody in the next room but my character, Wisp, decided to keep the conversation going. My goal at the time was to be as disrespectful as possible to draw them out for a fight, but they never took the bait. Super impressive. I started calling them Mr. Whispers and for whatever reason he finally showed himself. It's important to note that Magic is mostly outlawed these days so we didn't know the evil details of becoming a Lich. Eventually we came to an agreement, we can leave so long as we don't take anything. A pretty great deal considering our low level party. There's just one problem. Sure I'd grown to respect Mr. Whispers but he's actually pretty amazing. He stayed calm while I was deliberately trying to antagonize him, and honestly I could use some stability in my life right now. There is No way I can make a romantic gesture today so I couldn't let this be the last time we saw him. I started making things up to entice him to hire us for a job. I tried a bunch of lies but never had to roll for deception. Nothing worked and eventually i had to give up, as we were about to leave Mr. Whispers cast a spell on me, which was counterspelled. A fight started and our Cleric was tragically disintegrated but due to some lucky rolls the rest of us got away. After the session the DM let us know that Mr. Whispers cast detect thoughts because my character said something interesting while trying to get hired. It doesn't seem like my DM knew that i was lying out my ass and making it all up. Should I have clarified with the DM that I was lying and insisted on a deception check roll? Or should he have not assumed I was inventing real lore for his world? My lies led to a player death all because i thought my character Wisp and Mr. Whispers would have a cute couple name 'The Whispers' I await your judgement Side note Wisp is obnoxious, that's the vibe, everyone playing is having a great time. group together 6 years over many campaigns

DowdMusic

To these absolute knobs (sup Jake, you cool tho), May it challenge the court and upset the power they wield. I bring you the case of "WTF High Crit, you got a problem with me?" I have written in in the past for your assistance and all you do is punish me. My players fill up a bag with bombs - my fault. My player brings and OP roided out charisma laden God bird to the scrub match - my fault. My players name them selves all Tyler - not only my fault - but justice Murphy says he must make an example of me and creates the first NADDPOD precedent in my name. Furthermore, Justice Axeford openly stated on record she wished to torment me. I have clearly been targeted and I demand retribution from this kangaroo court. I ask YOU NADDPOLES if this tyranny should continue. Good day. P.S. I don't even like this show. P.P.S. Ill settle for that 1st mug Emily made.

Braden Gramling

Dice Christ Confessional: Forgive me, Dungeon Daddy, Uncle, Mother, and Harry Kane’s least favorite D&D player, for I have sinned. Not only did I ignore the roll of the dice, but I also disregarded an entire mechanic of the game. Years ago, I was running a campaign for several newbies. Our first session involved the players escaping a mausoleum they had woken up in. One of our players, a Ranger, had missed our first session due to work, so I began the next session explaining his character woke up in another part of the mausoleum they hadn’t gone into. As he exited the mausoleum to be introduced to the rest of the party, he decided to make his first impression by ‘nut tapping’ the Cleric. The party, including the Cleric, thought this was funny. However, in retaliation, the Cleric explained that as he braced himself against the Ranger he cast ‘Inflict Wounds’. Did I step in and mediate the situation? No. Should I have? Probably. Because the Ranger hadn’t played the first session, I still had him at level one, which meant he only had a total of 12 hit points. The cleric rolled 26 necrotic damage, fully killing the Ranger - or at should have. This is where I committed an act against Dice Christ. I was the only one at the table who knew the rule about being fully dead when you go negative your total HP. I chose not to mention this rule and allowed the Paladin to use Lay on Hands to revive the Ranger, so as not to have this player’s character die within minutes of his first-ever session. Tell me Deacons of the Dice - should I have let the Ranger die? Or is my blasphemous intervention forgivable? I am at the mercy of the Church.

Rkds

To the illustrious milk soaking justices and that one guy that's not Tucker, I present the case of my own future crime. I am currently starting a new campaign where my players are working to bring an exiled Noble back onto their rightful throne. Having played in 5 campaigns in the past that have never finished due to scheduling issuesI have built this campaign to conclude around level 10. I have the idea that if the table is able to continue after the initial conclusion I will reveal that the exciled noble was really a devil in disguise manipulating the party to gain power. Judges, here lies my question: Is it a crime to take away all the accomplishments of my party up to level ten by revealing they've been bamboozled for the whole campaign if they choose to continue to, dare I say, the campaign after the campaign? I humbly await your judgement in hopes of stopping my future crime.

Evil Grimace

To the venerable judges and to the one who lurks in their shadows, I present you with the case of the PCs turned jesters. I recently joined an online campaign with some strangers and it has been going okay so far. We are stuck in the underdark searching for gods to give us macguffins so we can find macguffins, etc. One session we came across Garl Glittergold, a gnome god known for being witty and to jest. He told us that we needed to tell him a joke that would make him laugh in order to get the macguffin. Being a -1 charisma wizard, I thought it was a challenging task, but maybe with some good history/religion rolls, I could find out his sense of humor and relay that information to the other players. There we no rolls. The DM instead said that his sense of humor was the same as hers so we needed to actually make her, the DM, audibly laugh. Cut to 2 straight hours of uncomfortable joke telling with little to no results. The streak was fortunately broken by the one PC who has known the DM for years. So I ask the Crit justices, do you think it was fair to make the players host a comedy night for this DM or do you think any sort of rolling could've been involved into this challenge? P.S. I am planning on leaving the group as I am just not enjoying the playstyle and the fact that the DM has two DMPCs, one being a Solar (Jake that's like a really strong angel) trapped inside a human body and the other being the son of Dracula while my backstory has never once been asked about. P.P.S. Love the show. Come back to Vancouver. Okay love you. Bye

Zachary Armstrong

No fair I shook my head and no other knight has spent a spell splot

Friendly Swamp Hag

High Priests and Priestess of the Church of Dice Christ I have a confession. I started my first irl dnd campaign and I’m DMing for a group of four. First session, they slapped an important cleric, smashed a pixie village and turned out to be a band of ne’er-do-well murderhobos, which was disheartening for me. A few sessions later, it all came to a head when they broke the Goblin Rebellion Leader’s one rule: “Don’t hurt my flail snails”. Once they broke the rule, something broke in me. They were promptly captured by the Goblin Rebels oppa Seal Team Six Style and they lost everything they had. Through some lucky rolls, the party was able to be released with a quest to bring back a keg of magic ale or else they’d have a bounty placed on them. On the way out of the woods, they found an abandoned house to camp in, but first they had to clear out a small group of baddies. The party decided to make a bomb vest and blow up their characters because they had “been bad”. They all seemed happy to die. It was bizarre, so I allowed it. The party was vaporized and they rolled new characters, all more focused and way less murder-hobo-esque. My confession is that I feel relieved to have more serious characters, but I feel like I forced them to all kill their characters. Am I a bad person? I’ll go to hell, it’s fine

Jared Bloom

Hey judges. Let’s keep this quick, as to not give any more attention to that guy I saw heavy breathing outside the courtroom. I bring you the case of the Interdimentional Crit. I’m running a Camelot campaign with a mixed bag of first timers and veteran players. My girlfriend is a first timer playing a Moon Druid. We found ourselves in Stonehenge while researching the whereabouts of Merlin’s grave. My girlfriend decided to roll an arcana check basically right on top of his grave. On a crit, I started sweating. Discovering his grave, another player cast Knock and burst Merlin free. I shat my shorts. I had intended them to be a much higher level and face Merlin as a secret BBEG. But they’re only level 6 and he was built for a team of level 12s. Some real endgame type shit. In an absolute panic, I created a magical labyrinth to pop up between them and Merlin, effectively railroading them to level up before they face him. In a moment of word vomit, I determined it would be an interdimentional labyrinth with challenges that span time and space. AKA, absolutely nothing to do with Camelot. We’ve done two of the predetermined five “trials of Merlin” to hopefully give them more levels and stand a chance in this fight. My players are nice and haven’t mentioned their opinions on the labyrinth yet, but I fear it’s too out of place for the world. Should I see this through and hope they want to return to the world of Camelot, or should I take a Mulligan and nerf Merlin so they don’t get absolutely whomped by the mad mage? I humbly await your response.

Ben Cuartas

Venerable Justices and the Infant child Bailiff Baby Jackson. May it please the court. I present to you the case of the Vampire Mist ultimate weapon. Our group is in the early stages of Curse of Strahd and currently at level 3. A strange series of events led to us confronting Strahd extremely early, with him inviting us to his keep. This interaction was clearly meant to introduce us to him and reveal a few other things. When the interaction was complete, Strahd transformed into mist and started to exit. Our Cleric took the opportunity to cast Create/Destroy Water, attempting to "destroy" the mist. The DM laughed and said it was a creative play, but clearly would have no effect on Strahd. He awarded the cleric inspiration for the move but said it had no effect. The cleric insisted that this should, at the very least, force him to change forms again and should potentially cause damage. The DM was insistent that this would not be the case. We moved on from this interaction, but after the session the cleric brought it up again, this time in more adamant terms. He argued that mist is water, and therefore should have done SOMETHING to Strahd. I should mention alcohol was involved and the arguments on both sides became more incoherent as the night went on. Should the spell have had an effect on the Big Bad, or is our cleric being unreasonable. We await your judgement!

Gordon Elliott

To the worldly Supreme Crit Justices and the plucky bailiff Jerry; I present the case of the Backstory Tampering. He played an Elven Warlock, whose family made a pact with their patron to achieve status and power in society. I thought it was a fun idea but wanted to add an element to it without telling the player. The society he came from was mostly high elves and was presented as very unwelcoming to outsiders. I decided he was from a family of drow that through ritual was able to pass as high elves. Through the course of the campaign I teased that his family's past was not what he was lead to believe until finally I made the big reveal. The player was not happy feeling like I didn't live up to his expectation for the patron/warlock relationship and ended up leaving the game. Justices was I wrong to seed something into the warlock's backstory without telling them. I fall at the mercy of the court.

Mesa W

May it please the beautiful, radiant justices and disappoint the the bailiff, I present the case of the tale of two rangers. I play in a pathfinder 2e campaign. We were starting a second campaign taking place mostly underwater in a flooded area. I made a surfer dude ranger with a turtle animal companion. After we had a player quit mid combat after getting mad at the pathfinder grapple mechanics, we decided to invite another player in. I invited my roommate, and another player invited their dm from a different group. We decided to play in a “vibe check” oneshot to make sure the new players fit in with the group. The forever dm player brought a lone wolf ranger with an animal companion who was uninterested in interacting with the rest of the party, which initially raised the dnd court listening hackles of some of us, but to his credit he played a lone wolf character in the least obnoxious way possible and was still engaged, so we decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. The bigger problem came when the lone wolf player expressed that he wanted to bring the same ranger character to the permanent campaign. We initially objected to a lone wolf character joining the party and not engaging with the rest of us, but the lone wolf character insisted that the character wouldn’t be a lone wolf for long. I then raised the objection that I did not want to play with a second animal companion focused ranger, as I would feel redundant, which the lone wolf player didn’t acknowledge as an issue and said the characters will be different enough. I offered to change my character’s class, but the dm said that I shouldn’t be forced to change my character to accommodate someone else, and would not let me reclass my character. The dm eventually laid down the rule that the other player was not going to be allowed to bring the lone wolf ranger in, and the lone wolf player decided not to play in the campaign after all. However, I still feel as though I caused unnecessary drama in my desire to have a unique character, so I ask you judges, was I wrong to object to a duplicate character? Should I have just sucked it up and been one of two rangers, or was the dm wrong to refuse to let me change my class for the sake of keeping the peace? I humbly await your enlightening verdict.

Kevin Alman

Honorable justices and the (insert appropriate adjective here) bailiff. I come to you with a case of possible self robbery? I was DMing a heist at an auction and one of my players decided to cast suggestion on another auction goer, Thaddeus, and asked them to give the party all of his money to help reimburse them for the money they had to spend to win the auction and claim the artifact they were originally there to steal. Long story short a teleportation mishap cause Thaddeus to take force damage twice his hp, killing him before he could give anyone any money. But the question is, can you cast suggestion on someone to make them give you all of their money, about a total of 15,000 gold, or would this be considered a harmful act against themselves? I await your fair and just ruling.

Matthew J

To the honorable justices and Jake who owes me $37 for his bailiff’s license, I humbly bring before you the Case of the Dhampir Mutineer. A couple years ago, our campaign was on a brief seafaring arc to rescue one of the player characters, who had been abducted. In the meantime, the player whose character had been kidnapped played an Artificer who was secretly a dhampir. One fateful session, my Paladin, who had been elected captain by the rest of the party, was keeping watch at the helm. In character, I had to step away for a moment, so I asked the party’s Bard, who was also the ship’s first mate, to take the wheel. The Artificer announced that she wanted to go for the wheel instead, prompting an Athletics check between her and the Bard. The Bard won handily, and he narrated his character casually pushing the Artificer away. The Artificer reacted by biting him with her secret vampire fangs. My Paladin grappled her and tried to get answers before things devolved into full PVP, but instead of answering any questions, she commanded her robot familiar to shoot me in the back. The party then collectively turned on her, and the Bard, who was convinced that the Artificer was a full vampire, finished her off while she was rolling death saves. After tying her up, we cast Revivify on her so we could get answers (and, out of game, to give the Artificer player a second chance with the character). For the next two hours, we begged her to give any explanation about the vampirism or why we should trust her going forward, while she refused to explain herself, apologize, or even acknowledge any wrongdoing (in and out of character). When our characters stepped off to the side to discuss how to proceed, the Artificer tried to break free of her bonds and escape. We knocked her back to 0 HP, and, seeing no other course of action that made sense in character, we ultimately decided to kill her. For additional context, this was not the only time that the Artificer player initiated PVP, but it was the only time that it resulted in a character death. Justices, were we wrong to kill our friend’s character twice, or were we justified in executing an unapologetic instigator? We humbly await your judgment.

stoppingby1224

Most highly esteemed honorable judges, and their human footstool, I have a confession. Years ago, I was playing my very first campaign, and I committed a deadly sin without ill intent. I'm used to playing video games with large wikias, where you can look things up and learn about the deep lore of monsters and places. In my unholy ignorance, I didn't realize that wasn't part of DND. We were leading up to our first battle with some goblins, and some of the players were trying to talk to the them to find a peaceful solution. I looked up what language they speak online and shared what I learned with the table. I was immediately, forcefully, and loudly shamed. I felt humiliated and have carried that around like an albatross ever since. I fear my friends actually think less of me as a person, so strong was their reaction. Will Dice Christ forgive my transgression? Will a plea of ignorance hold up in this most divine court of law?

Kez Vicario-Robinson

To the Justices, etc. D&D camping trip death In 2018, me and 4 friends planned a D&D camping trip. During our first session after we got set up, my DM told me that my paladin hasn't been to a temple or done anything to worship their god, therefore their powers were feeling lesser. She told me I needed to find a temple and go pray. As a non-relgious person my whole life, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would need to do this, but I agreed whole heartedly. My paladin got into a fight at the temple. I helped others their escape, and fought my way to the gate, only to be knocked down, failing my death saves. This was on the first day of the campibg trip. I was heart broken and kinda freaking out. My DM asked if I'd like to play an NPC, or if I'd like to roll a new character. I said I'd create a new character to come into the campaign, playing my dead characters brother. I then spent the entire 3 day trip not playing D&D, just watching as my 4 friends played. At the end of the very last session on the last day, my character FINALLY got introduced. After I died, my DM said I couldn't done lots of things to save myself, but I decided to stay and keep fighting. I feel like the DM, who had lots of experience, should've reminded me of spells I could've cast, or given me hints as to things I could've done other than just fight until I was overwhelmed. The rest of the party was NOT there, and didn't even know my character had died until much later. I feel as those I was good winked into going to this temple, and then dying almost right away. This is something that has stayed with me for years. Was I right to be upset and a bit angry with my DM? Or is this the way the cookie crumbles and I should've accepted it all. Peace.

Careless Whisker

To the Honorable Justices and the tastefully dressed Bailiff, I present to you the case of the “Bad Actor” I’m DMing a game where one of the PCs is a con man Warlock. He has the Actor feat, giving him advantage on any Performance/Deception checks when pretending to be someone else. Coupled with that, he has the Charlatan background, allowing him to have an alternate identity. Herein lies the kicker: when he initially used his alternate identity for an interaction with an NPC, he asked for advantage on a Deception check because of his Actor feat. I decided to give him advantage on the roll as a one-off. However, he then decided to always introduce himself to new NPCs as his pseudonym, regardless of the situation, just to gain advantage on any charisma checks. I ruled that using a pseudonym doesn’t constitute “pretending to be someone else” for the purposes of the Feat. In retaliation, he started using Mask of Many Faces to change his appearance before each interaction. This feels like a strange hill for him to die on, since he already has high Deception. Am I in the wrong? Or are there shenanigans at play? I prostrate myself before the court.

Bubbalo Dee

To the most handsome judges Murphy, Axford and Tanner, and I guess bailiff jake is here too I bring you the case of the transference of the Murph Curse. I have horrible dice luck, often rolling below a 10 most of the time. While me and one of my players were playing magic the gathering, we rolled to see who goes first, and I gave him one of my dnd dice. Both times we rolled, he rolled a Nat one. He now rolls horribly whenever we play dnd for example, he has a +12 to hit with his longbow, and against a enemy with 16 ac, he missed all 4 attacks in the two round combat. Should I tell him that he’s been cursed? Or should I keep my cursed mouth shut

Jerren

To the honorable justices with maximum bars, and that one dude who sits around and reads things off the internet with none, I bring you the case of Elder Brain Licker About a year ago, I was playing in a high level session with a couple friends of mine, one of which (who for anonymity's sake we will call something lame... like Jake) was a wild card, we would do a bunch of "Hehe so random" stuff like stealing a slab of pavement, punching a king, and showing up late or never showing up at all to multiple sessions. One day, while we had just made a very tense truce with an Elder Brain we very much could not kill, Jake (Who had shown up late like usual) wanted to lick the brain, the dm didn't stop him and we as characters had to pull him back from licking it and possibly antagonizing an entire colony of mind flayers, later he even tried to eat a very goopy and disgusting monster that was killing him, but he still tried to eat it and nearly destroyed the entire encounter Justices, I ask, should this player be punished for his odd food tastes, or should the we be punished for trying to stifle his creative freedom? We humbly await your judgement while having no bars

TitoKMF

Sup losers, if you want a case that will make Murph chuckle then here… The Case of The Heel DM I run a campaign for a large group of 7-8 players, as difficult as it can be we are longtime friends so it’s worth it (mostly). I love creating NPCs that my players will enjoy, but due to the group size I don’t always have the best time because of the stress. However, the one light in this darkness is one NPC I’ve created named Kelhik. He is an arrogant, brash, Ironman 1 Tony Stark type who the party FUCKING hates. But the more they hate him, the more I love him and give him screen time/importance to the plot. I’ve even gone so far as to bring the name(which still gets heat from the table) to other campaigns and settings, even when the character itself is totally different. Kelvin Hikima, Kel Hickenbottom, etc. My players are not amused but I have a great time and make it a point to not let it ruin their fun, but they are getting real world mad at how important he is. Justices…are my players owed the removal of this NPC, or is Kelhik not the enemy they want but the enemy they need?

Tucker Collins

Dearest judges. And hey there, Jake, how are you? Is attacking a mount standing over a PC that just dealt 80 damage metagaming? One of my partners's kids plays a hexblood bladesinger. During a feywild jaunt, she found a swarm of giant dragonflies, and convinced two to come with her, using one as a mount. Later, while fighting the massive Krabking, the bladesinger was swallowed. She still managed to deal over 80 points of damage from inside on her turn, and was spat up, after which the kid declared that the two large-sized dragonflies came to her where she was prone on the ground. The Krabking attaked one of these mounts during its volley of attacks that round, prompting the player to declare that I was metagaming. It did enough damage to instant kill the dragonfly, though the party druid revivified it after the fight. We later learned that giant dragonflies have uncanny dodge anyway, which would have saved it.

Josh Zellers

To the shagadelic judges and the bornesk bailiff. I bring you the case of the scientific unraveling. I’m the gm of a wanderhome game with a bunch of my friends. We started a brand new world for this game and it’s heavily inspired by studio ghibli movies like spirited away. My one friend has decided to ask questions about the world that takes all the magic and makes it scientific. It makes me as the worldbuilder feel small but I know they don’t want me to feel that way. What should I do to solve this?

Sido Hikami

To the best bailiff in the realms and the others I guess; I present a case of just what the scallop? On discord, I DM’d my first ever campaign with 4 friends; 1 of who was an experienced player who also DM’d who I’ll call Q. On their way to the bbeg, my lvl 15 players encountered a hot commoner who was actually Malcanthet, the succubus goddess in disguise. Q jumped in, attacked, rolled damage and, without asking if it finished them, did their one liner they’ve done all campaign “It’s your misfortune that you were born in my lifetime”. I told her the succubus was still standing and took their legendary action. Q then messaged me saying “hey, im looking at the stat block and a commoner doesn’t have legendary actions, and I should’ve one shot her, what the hell?”. I was absolutely floored, and asked her “why are you checking the stats as a player?” She didn’t respond and then became despondent for THE REST OF THE CAMPAIGN when she realized the rest of the enemies ,besides minions, were homebrew. Judges, what punishment is suitable for this transgression? But if you find me in the wrong, Jake will take my punishment. Thank you

Wyatt W.

Howdy do to the wonderful Crit Justices, and a howdy don't to the Bailiff Jake. I have a group of three friends that I occasionally like to DM small games for. Recently, one of these friends told me that he wants to try his hand at running a game, it would be his first time. Of course I was ecstatic to show him the ropes and hand over the reigns. We usually meet up every weekend to hang out, but instead of playing video games we decided that we would go to a local restaurant and have a little bit of a session zero. We were going over the characters we all wanted to play when I look over to see both of the other players using ChatGPT to generate their characters' backstories. Apparently, they do this with all of their characters. I honestly got a little upset, and went on a heartfelt speech about how creativity is just like a muscle, and how it needs to be exercised if you want it to get stronger (I figured this would work because they're both gymbros). However they just responded by saying: "Man, we just don't want to be creative." I argued: "Then you don't want to play DND." and then asked for my check and tried to have a dramatic exit. My card was declined and one of the guys that I just argued with paid for my meal. It's probably one of the most awkward things to ever happen to me. Although, because I had to stay longer we ended up making amends. Ladies and gentlemen of the Crit I ask, was I in the wrong to immediately condemn my friends over a complete lack of creativity? I'll just kinda sit over there until you need me.

Zon

The Case of the Boredom TPK. To the graceful justices and that guy who struggles with public speaking sometimes. I submit to you the case of the boredom TPK. Years ago, my partner and I were part of a Heist of Waterdeep Campaign that went on for 2 years. It was a great Campaign, save for one session; it was role-playing heavy, with the objective being meeting with a necromancer who could speak with a dead bad guy we needed information from. The necromancer was role played as a rather annoying edge lord, and the whole table mocked him and commented that we hated him. My partner, the tiefling rogue, took this as a pass to sneak away from the party and sneak attack back stab the necromancer. They said they were bored and didn't like how he spoke to us. Our DM paused, went to the back of the book to pull a Stat block. I protested heavily. They said "I was bored". The necromancer proceeded to cast a high level cone of cold in the small basement we found ourselves in. While we did kill the necromancer, our last party member went down in the same round. All of us making death saves in an empty now destroyed room. My partner, and one other player, died. The remaining party was stabilized and later brought in for questioning by Waterdeep authorities who found us. I routinely razz my partner for their impulsive anti boredom behavior, but they INSIST it was not their fault the session went off the rails and blames the table for painting the necromancer as such "an annoying prick". Justices, was I right to hassle my partner over this, or are they justified in their wonton boredom murder?

L.J.

Humble crit justices and the effervescent bailiff, I write to you with the case of homebrew hell. I recently started a campaign with a first time dm who has spent the past 5 years designing an entirely homebrew campaign about underground revolutionaries. I was interested in the plot at first but the DM has continually pushed back our mission in order to explore exposition. We began the campaign in a secret lair with an intricate map of tunnels, and after 3 months of gameplay, have only just exited the lair we began the game in to start the mission. The DM wanted us to extensively explore our tunnels to meet NPC’s with seemingly little relevance to the story, and made us role play things like getting breakfast, while they had us take notes on the extensive history of their homebrew world. Once we exited the lair, we started our mission to obtain the key of a top level executive. The DM had us roleplay our relatively mundane visit to the company and interacting with several help desks which sent us in circles. Much of our session was role playing our characters attempting to navigate the interior of the company via map and having to give the dm exact directions on how we got to each location. At this point, I am genuinely concerned we will never begin this mission. I stand before the court to ask, is my DM in the wrong for adding so much exposition to the story or do I just need to be patient and let it play out. I await your judgment and any punishment you deem fit.

Dave M

To the honorable judges Murphy, Afford and Tanner. As well as that one guy that's occasionally on the main feed. What's his name again? Oh Jake. I humble request a judgement. We recently ran our monthly pathfinder game outlaws of alkenstar. We encountered some fungus enemies that we assumed were weak against fire based on our in game rolls. The party agreed to "barter" corpses in exchange for safe passage. I was rolling really well and managed to create a corpse bomb by hiding flammable liquids around the body. The plan went off the enemies died in a fiery explosion. But during all of that the rogue ranger decided to hide poison on one of the bodies. While he successfully did the DM allowed him to do it without the table rolling to see if we saw it. While I on the other hand had to make multiple checks. Should the DM have made him roll against us as well since he was trying to hide it from everyone. I await your answer.

Franklin Smart

To the honorable justices Axford, Tanner, and Murphy and that cool AI you have that reads out the cases, whatever it's called. I bring to you the case of the level 10 commoner. I had played a battle-smith artificer in a homebrew campaign for over a year when this took place. When we were level 3, the DM gave one of our PCs the deck of many things that we, as reasonable people, never used. The DM would occasionally mention being disappointed we still hadn't used it. When we hit level 10 the DM introduced an extraplanar being of chaos who was the only one who had the information we needed to save the city. This being said we would get the answer to one yes/no question for each time we pulled out of the deck. Nobody in my group wanted to take a card. Ultimately, since I was the tank of the group, I agreed to pull two cards for the answer to two questions. I pulled the ruin and talons cards. Destroying every non magical item and all magic items I owned. The DM gleefully narrated as the group and I, naked, were then teleported to another plane where we proceeded to spend 3 real life months trying to escape. During this time, my character was given a dagger by a party member, but other than that was without any gear, at one point having dominate person cast on me and spending an entire session being told to attack my party members with a dagger and a -2 to strength. After we escaped that plane I immediately went to the other NPC artificers I knew to try to get gear back and the DM said "They all think you're crazy, because you ran up to them naked and spouting nonsense about teleporting to another plane. They aren't going to help you." I left that campaign. Should I have accepted the cards as fate and embraced the next phase of my character's life as a naked commoner or was I right to leave the campaign?

Chrys

Dear esteemed magnificent judges and that jackass or whatever his name is. I present the case of House of Strahd. In the beginning there’s an optional side adventure that people warn not to run. I tried to run it with my newish group of players. Some of them made the most intense fantastical characters without telling me for some reason even though I told them about the world. Seeing a sad Druid try to help children and get irl frustrated because they turned out to be ghosts and dead already was not the vibe the group felt like going with after a few sessions. We ended up breaking that group, invited a couple more people and ran Ghosts of Saltmarsh (less ghosts I guess???). But it was fun and the best experience of my life getting to run a 4 year long campaign that got to level 20. I still think I could have gotten them on a Strahd campaign I put a lot of work on and never got to play if they just fucking listened to me from the beginning about the horror elements and world setting. Am I wrong for being petty and blaming them that I never got to finish Strahd or is it my fault for not asking them to change characters as a newish DM and having to go to a whole new sourcebook? Lmao I accept any judgement but as someone who wanted vampires in C3 as soon as it was brought up I know player agency means a lot

Steven W.

To the resplendent supreme crit justices and the guy who, let's be honest, y'all only keep around so we can make cheap jokes about a cheap man. I bring to you the case of the world's most hated NPC, aka Bart Simpson. In a premade campaign I was DMing, the PCs traveled to the Abyss to broker information with a succubus warlord. When the PCs met with them, I described the warlords guards, which included a wispling (half gnome/half demon) named Shadowfire. Per the module's description, I mentioned that Shadowfire was “pacing back and forth behind the warlord, with his hands resting on hand axes” and “he has short and spiky hair. Kind of like Bart Simpson.” I got some light razzing for this description, but nothing else was said about him, the party succeeded with the warlord, and were offered to stay the night as guests. That evening, Shadowfire was sent to deliver a message to the PCs. As soon as their door was opened, and without saying a single word, the party fighter began to attack Shadowfire and the sorcerer plane-shifted him to their deity's plane, so he could be hunted for sport. The PCs had unanimously decided to turn on Shadowfire, even though he had never spoken a word to them. After the session I asked how they came to their decision. One player said, “I knew he was going to die the moment you described him pacing with his hands on his axes.” Two others said it was when I compared him to Bart Simpson. Regardless, they all claim that their actions were justified. Shadowfire was supposed to backstab the party during a climactic fight, so it worked out that the party just dealt with him before hand, but I ask you: Was I wrong to add a little flare to my demonic NPCs, or are my players just masters at sniffing out a traitorous Bart Simp-- demon?

Ryan Steel

To the fantastic ballif John Jacob Jingle Heimer Shit, and the majestic supreme Crit justices; I present to you the case of suspicious rolls I have been DM'ing an online campaign for my sister in law, sister and her friend for about 3 years now. We have had people come and go but they are the core people. My sister was an experienced player and everyone else was new to the game. However it became clear to me, that she doesn't like failing dice rolls. I use the DnD beyond roller so that everyone can see my rolls to keep things above board. Others in the crew used to follow suit. However, my sister rolls real dice and tells me the number. Which is always a good roll. She never misses an attack, rolls almost max damage for all attacks and makes most saving throws. If the save is unimportant, all the sudden she rolls low. This has subconsciously led to my other players also rolling real dice instead and following suit. All the sudden her friend rolls Crits a lot. When we play in person, everyone rolls a normal rolls, in which people respond that they are just rolling bad tonight. Should I say something and force everyone to use an online roller or just do as I am doing and rely on my ability to make things challenging through things that can't be rolled.

noah for now

hello jonk and the others, i bring you the case of the stingy healer. i play d&d with my friends online, but we started in person before all of us went to college. we’re a level 2 party of a rogue, a paladin, a fighter, a monk, and a cleric in a very cool horror campaign. the cleric (named claud) joined after the session zero and created a character while the rest of us played most of session one. he’s very optimized and does way more damage than any of us with inflict wounds. in our last encounter, he did 39 damage with his first turn, while i (a fighter) did a measly eleven with my one attack and then proceeded to get my weapon stolen. problem is that he exclusively focuses on combat and really only participates in roleplay when it forwards his character’s individual goals or optimizes his damage. he’s constantly begging our poor first time dm for combat. it doesn’t help that our lovely dm hasn’t quite mastered balancing encounters yet. claud also seemingly doesn’t want to be a cleric, since he does everything he can to avoid using his precious spell slots for healing. in our last session, we were outside of combat and an important npc showed up extremely wounded with a severed leg. he had spell slots and none of our party (or him) had taken any damage thusfar. i asked him in character to heal her leg (not actually reattach the severed part, just close over the gaping wound) with his healing spells, but he refused. he tried to instead use mending to attach a peg leg made of vines to the stump of her leg. me, another character, and the dm all told him that it was not possible to use mending on a wound as a healing cantrip, or even to attach two separate things together. he argued that a leg was an object and could therefore be healed with mending. eventually we got him to give it up and he agreed to cast cure wounds, but all of this makes me wonder why he chose to be our party’s healer when he’s so stingy with his healing. i patiently await your advice, judges and bailiff.

Whistler

I have a confession to bring to the Two Pew. My friend has confessed to a grievous sin under Dice Christ, and I come to church on their behalf. My friend is playing an online D&D game with old friends of theirs and apparently having a good time with it - but while having dinner with me the other night, they very casually mentioned that they have never rolled for initiative in that game. When I asked why, they said, "I always wait until everyone else has rolled their initiative, then I just pretend that I rolled a number that's lower than everyone else's." Apparently they feel stage fright when they have to go first in a combat, so they prefer waiting to see what everyone else does. I was, of course, mortified about this clear dice crime, and come to you begging for their forgiveness. But I must admit that my friend feels no guilt whatsoever over their life of sin. They are unrepentant. In fact, they say they will be doing this in every other campaign they participate in. Quote, "If this is wrong, then I don't want to be right." Dice saints, I throw up my hands and lay this matter at your feet.

Taylor Colton

Dear Emily and those other guys, my friend and new DM set up a gladiator one on one battle with our barbarian in a bar’s underground fighting pit. Cool, right? He explained it to me before the session began, as he often went over broad strokes of his ideas with me as a more experienced DM, and I had a bit of concern on how he would run the fight mechanics, because I know one on one battles without weapons to unconsciousness using standard 5e stats can be a slog. He seemed excited and said he’d built the opponent specifically for our barbarian, so I held my tongue. What followed was an absolutely brutal brawl between two barbarians in rage, resorting to eye gouging and nose biting and lasting nearly three hours in real life. My friend did not cut away from the fight to visit our warlock’s shopping spree, and my paladin was bound by the laws of the pit from interfering. Our barbarians glee faded to frustration, as did the players around the table. He finally succumbed to his injuries, losing the fight, and our DM cut to the rest of the players for the last bit of our session. He apologized during and after the session, explaining he tried to match our barbarian’s stats one to one in his opponent and thought it would be a fun fight. We’ve had many great sessions since then. Oh judges I ask not that you cast your judgement on my inexperienced DM friend, but on myself. For I was the most experienced person at the table. Should I have consulted more with the DM, pushed harder for him to try implementing brawl mechanics? I humbly await your judgment. - Taylor (they/them)

October Jones

To the esteemed Crit Justices and the oft-maligned bailiff, John Jake-ob Hurwitzheimer-Schmidt. I present to you the case of the Toddler Attacking a House. I DM for a group that has been meeting remotely nearly every week for the three or so years. We just passed our 100th main campaign session. I’m running Tyranny of dragons for them and it’s getting serious. The last battle almost resulted in a TPK and the near permanent death of their favorite NPC, Tiggy a harengon or bunny bard if it please the court. In response, as the adult black dragon fled battle our smallest character, a faerie rogue/thief, Scribble Freehand used his Cloak of the Mountebank to dimension door and catch up to the dragon. He dispatched the bug guy riding on its back and decided to attack the dragon. At the end of his turn he asked to hide to gain advantage on his next turn therefore earning him his extra sneak attack damage. I said no. You’re on the dragon. It saw you. It’s aware of your presence no matter how ridiculous your stealth is. He calmly accepted my decision. On his next turn he asked if he could have advantage cause he’s such a little guy on a huge monster. It’s like “a toddler attacking a house” there’s NO way to miss. Rules as written, this is a no go. BUT after a mildly warm discussion I couldn’t help but relent. He attacked the already severely wounded dragon with advantage and then rode its gliding corpse to the outskirts of Waterdeep. This is the second dragon our little guy has dealt the killing blow to by being in the right place at the right. If it please the court, should I have stuck to my guns and curbed Sribble’s shenanigans or was this the right time to bend the rules for the sake of the story? I humbly await your judgement. P.S. saw you guys at Carnegie Hall. It was FANTASTIC!

Matthew R

Dear justices, not Jake. My DM is a fan of giving us homebrew items that are crazy overpowered. For example, our Paladin has an AC of 26 (since lvl 5) from magic armor. The DM let me make my own rare homebrew item for my druid. I chose to modify a Staff of the Woodlands, removing more than half of the spells, giving it less charges, but adding that the staff allows for WIS instead of STR for attack and damage, and adding my wisdom to my AC. The DM balked at my AC of 22 as a druid, but that would still have me with a lower AC than the sorcerer, Paladin, and ranger (the rest of the party). I’ve settled for half of my WIS rounded down (for an AC of 19), but I’m a little upset since I keep going down during combat. I ask the crit, am I upset for no reason, or do I just keep rolling with it?

KingHalt

Forgive me Dice Christ for I have sinned. I play in a D&D campaign with some of my friends, there have been multiple times where we needed a certain spell to finish a puzzle and I have found myself time and time again guilty of changing my stocked spells in the moment to fit the situation. I humbly ask for penance and repentance from your honorable selves and that other guy who reads the submissions.

Lili McGee

If it may please the high court justices and displease the plebeian, Jake who just threw a shoe. I bring you the Chaos of Successes. I am a new DM who started running one shots with a seasoned group in order to learn how to DM my brother’s first ever game. While i continue to find it challenging, I do love it and my players fell in love with their characters and now this one shot series has turned into a custom written campaign. I have outlined the enemies and side quests and during the session my brother was joining, I intended on laying out the hook that would lead them into the story. During a party where my brother’s character was integrated, a toast was suggested and everyone took a shot. The intention was that everyone would fall asleep for an hour, their belongings would be stolen, and they would track and find the thieves, finding one wounded for them to interrogate so they could be sent their mission. Instead, three of them made their DC 18 saves and woke the rest of the party in 20 min, meaning the thieves only made it 120 feet away. The warlock’s familiar was sent into the sky, immediately had them in sight and the warlock argued because her familiar told her where to point, she could cast fireball…. Twice. Only one thief saved, all of their belongings (which they didn’t realize were gone) were destroyed, and now the surviving thief has been kidnapped by a stone giant who she would’ve run into due to the trajectory of where she was forced to run. My chaotic group constantly has me scrambling. Should I have made the initial DC higher to lend a success to my story? Should I have made fireball work in some sort of disadvantage? My group is having a fantastic time and my brother now loves dnd, but how can I keep the fun of their chaos without breaking my own brain? PS the warlock is the DM for my other game and I cause her just as much chaos so I guess karma is just a bitch.

Robert Stegmann

To the cromulent Justices, Brian "Murph" Murphy, Emily "Wife Worm" Axford, Caldwell "Flip a DVD" Tanner and the unsung Baliff, Jake "The Cake" Hurwitz, I present the case of the Slime of the Century. This happened nearly nine years ago, but I am still a bit salty. My older brother was DMing for me and my friends in 9th grade, and we were all very new to the game. Our party consisted of my generic human rogue, a dragonborn sorcerer, a paladin based on DJ Khaled, and Shrek, a half-orc barbarian flavoured as an ogre. In our 3rd session, we were tasked with escorting the seven dwarves on a mining trip where we encountered two gelatinous cubes. Things quickly went south. I found myself with the rest of the party stuck in a cube and several dwarves dead. Our DM told us that we could try to succeed a skill check before an attack to do double damage. Desperate, I got the remaining dwarves to form a ramp so I could do an acrobatics check over the cube to do extra damage. I failed, and fell in. My dumbassery ended up having one of the party members being spit out, which resulted in the rest of my party surviving but my character being quickly dissolved. After the session, I looked up the stat block for gelatinous cubes and found they had a challenge rating of 2, making this was a very deadly encounter. I felt that this lead to PC dying unfairly. I questioned my brother about why he made the encounter so deadly and he said that because the cubes are so slow, he expected us to attack with ranged attacks and keep out of the cubes range. He pointed out that he showed us the stat block when our sorcerer rolled a Nat 20 looking for a weak point on the cube and that we had the dwarves continue to mine instead of fighting (even though they had commoner stats). Was I right to be upset at my brother for giving us such a deadly encounter, or was my PC's death the fault of our lack of strategy and my dumbassery? I await your righteous judgment.

Primalkrisis

To the honorable justices Axford, Tanner, and Hurwitz alongside the horrifically vile good for nothing bailif brian, I bring forth the case of the teifling leg cake... A long time ago me and about 16 friends were all in streamed campaigns under one dm, "Shin". He organized 3 campaigns each taking place in different years of his world, first year being centurion, second year being Z-team, and 3rd year being Guardians. Due to scheduling issues (mostly due to the dm pushing people away with heinous vile carachter arcs that made players uncomfortable), Z-team had to merge with guardians over a timeskip. On one of the first sessions, Cornelius Reginald Thunderclap 3rd of his name, (the "leader" of z team) was blindfolded at a restaurant as an npc tried to feed him what seemed to be the leg of one of his teammates "Nephvius", he tried to use thunderwave to push everyone away to which the dm sent him to execution as it was "kids pranking him with a leg cake" and he responded with murder Heres where it gets strange though, the campaigns have all been long disbanded and since then, I found the dm's old notes, which detail that this WAS supposed to be his friend's leg, and he changed it when Cornelius stood up for himself. Justices was the dm in the wrong for changing details to try and kill a party member when they wouldn't resort to canabalism or was that perfectly okay? (Ps. Please give whoever's being punished the second worst punishment of the day)

david turner

To the honorable justices and their loyal bailiff, I beseech fair and balanced adjudication. In college, I played a long-term 3rd edition campaign with a group of friends. At one point our party of about level 12 arrived at the edge of a vast and inhospitable desert that at one point, in the distant past, was home to a vast and shining city of riches and magic. Our party stopped at a village right at the edge of this vast expanse for resupply and rest. While there we met another adventuring party with similar motives, they expressed concern that tragedy might befall them while on the quest for riches. Thinking quickly, our Rogue said “Well for a small fee, we could come find you after say…seven days”. Thus was born the Five Cloaks Insurance Company. For the next several game sessions our party received fellow parties of adventurers, negotiated lucrative insurance contracts with them, go into the dessert to retrieve an assortment of corpses, and then cast spells to bring them back to life. We never had it so easy or been so rich. Alas, it couldn’t last forever. Our DM grew, predictably, dissatisfied with the situation. However, we players were thrilled. Eventually, a fire storm swept through the village, burning it to the ground, and we were forced to continue our story in the great Desert. I ask you was this an abuse of DM authority , or was the market simply not ready the level of service our company provided?

iggy

I humbly beseech the wisdom and benevolence of the glorious heralds of Dice Christ, and Jake, valarant voice of the people. I fear I must have wronged Dice Christ in a past life. My rolls, while hilarious, are always bad, even though I have done my part to discourage roll flubbing in the games I've been in when I caught a player cheating (I discreetly informed the DM that I was buying a dice tower and then he had all players from then on roll through the tower in the middle of the table, problem solved and no awkward singling-out.) As a warlock, I once rolled all three of my eldritch blast dice at once only to be met with three nat 1's facing up at me. A series of bad rolls once led my fighter to fall off a cliff and begin drowning (canonically he could not swim) and he had to be rescued by another party member. I played a rogue who could not roll above a 10 on her stealth and ultimately ended up dying. I'm starting fresh as a little autognome bard from the circus named Pinwheel, and I'd really love to protect this precious little guy from the obvious wrath I have somehow incurred. Please offer your prayers to my dice, and use your favor in Dice Christ to bestow a blessing upon my future rolls. I'd like to be absolved of my unknown sins and taken into the warm embrace of crit heaven.

PG Lusk

To the honorable justices Murphy, Axford, and Tanner, and choose your own adventure: If we're being nice to Jake today, turn to page 69. If we're being mean, turn to page 451. 69. The wise and fair bailiff, Jake Hurwitz. 451. The sniveling coward Amir or something I can never tell white men apart. I come to you today with the case of the multiple tridents. I recently attended an adventure where I played Felix, a Roman gladiator-esque Battlemaster who fought with tridents and his fists. During our first fight, before entering melee range, I threw my trident at a skellington, then drew a second trident to throw, upon which the DM asked how I have two tridents. I told him I have three on my character sheet (two from the Fighter starting gear and one purchased pre-game for 5 gold). He told me they'd be way too difficult to carry three tridents. I argued I was well under my carrying capacity threshold so it should be fine for my 18 strength half-elf. He insisted I correct my character sheet. I didn't press the issue and made my corrections, and the session was otherwise great, but I ask the court: Is it fine to delve into dungeons with three tridents on your back? Or was my DM correct in keeping my character realistic? I eagerly await your verdict.

Jas

to the fabled justices and their filandering baliff jack, I humbly submit the case of the mini boss rush. I dm-ed a campaign for a couple of years that was based on the works of William Shakespeare. The bard himself was the bbeg manipulating the party, who were all named after Shakespeare characters, to play through monster filled versions of his plays in order to power his lich form. This all culminated in a big stand off at the globe theater, where the party faced off with a slew of mini bosses from each of the plays they had previously played through before they fought Shakespeare in lich form. The boss rush was going great as they faced down their spectral former enemies. To not make the challenge completely impossible and to keep combat moving more quickly, the higher level enemies were scaled down a touch in terms of what they could do and hit point totals. This is where the problem arose. One of the mini bosses was a former PC, (Lady Macbeth), who the player retired after she got her happy ending. The player got upset when I said that she appeared, and I tried make it clear that their character wasn’t actually here, and it was just a spectral version. This made the player feel a little bit better, until I attacked as Lady Macbeth. The player then got extremely upset that I was “playing her wrong” and that I was under powering her. I tried to explain that all of the mini bosses were scaled down but the player was still very upset that I was “doing their girl dirty” and it was a “disservice to her character”. Judges, was I in the wrong for including this character in a mini boss rush? Was I extra in the wrong for scaling her abilities down? I humbly await your judgement.

Matt A

Hello illustrious Justices and Bailiff (fill in the blank), I bring you an update to the bean campaign, word of the pyramid they dropped on an Archmage, and proof of Justice Murphy’s prophetic vision. My players returned to the home of the Archmage and collected their bag of “hard nuts” which, unlike a bag of beans, can be cracked open in an action and have a homebrewed d100 table at the recommendation of Justices Axford and Tanner. The players were ecstatic to have what they saw as an “upgrade” to their arsenal, but that was quickly extinguished when the sun disappeared and the moon turned blood red due to the rising of the Mummy Lord from the pyramid they created previously. They entered the tomb of the mummy and after a nail biting combat, there was one conscious party member who used several consumable items to survive. Everyone is cheering, the day is saved, and now they can focus on personal missions. This is where Justice Murphy becomes a prophet. During the personal mission arc, one of the player’s had their amnesia lifted and learned that a powerful devil in the countryside is his father. With this information the players broke into his lair, stole his most powerful relics, and fled into the night with him giving chase. During the stealth mission, 3 of the “hard nuts” were cracked which fulfilled Justice Murphy’s joke where he said “Beverly, you’re fighting your dad in hell… ‘I pLaNt A bEaN.’” Those beans erupted into the following effects in case anyone is curious: 1) A pile of mechanical pieces clunk to the ground. A skilled artificer could probably build something with this. 2) A beautiful orange, yellow, and red flower blooms. After 3 rounds, the red center detonates as a fully charged Delayed Blast Fireball 3) Disaster. A new form of monster (rolled a Purple Worm) is introduced to the local ecosystem. The delayed blast fireball destroyed a large portion of the Devil’s lair as they fled, and the Purple worm is now stalking the countryside as their next big threat.

Calic Tolentino

To the high clerics of Dice Christ and...ummm, Jack, right? I have a confession to make: I forgot to hurt myself in a christmas one shot. So this is when my friend was a budding DM and wanted to do a christmas one shot. We were Santa's adult children and I decided to play as Santa's Girl Boss Daughter (mechanically Scourge Aasimar 1 lvl Hexblade, 2 lvl Bladesinger, 3 lvl College of Swords Bard) The party didn't know that we are in a Home Alone situation and we needed to defend Santa's workshop from the Wet Bandits. During the main battle I ended up 1v1 Marv, a 200 or more hp Goliath Barbarian, while the rest of the party/siblings is dealing with Harry, a wizard. But with the build I created i was dealing 30-50 damage per turn while having high ac. The fight was tough and I got as low as 5 hit points and healing wording myself almost every round. Ultimately I killed Marv, while my party/siblings released oceans of rats into santa's work shop. But we defended our home and all was good. but rereading the Scourge Aasimar's Radiant consumption, was supposed to take damage as well every round and there's a good chance I should have gone down. I haven't told my DM about this and I also feel bad that I did not do other wacky traps home alone traps to kill Marv. May Dice Christ forgive me.

Mackenzie DeMello

To the overwhelmingly incredible justices and the reasonably whelming bailiff Jake, I present to you the case of the coldly killed kid. Several years ago while I was in college, I DMed a campaign for several friends. Well, more than several, I had 8 players, which presented some challenges, but overall, I managed pretty well. When concluding our first major arc, my players sailed back to their starting town, and as the light peaked over the horizon, a look at a map revealed that this was no sunrise, but the town ablaze and beset by zombies. Given the number of players, rather than typical combat, I designed a board-game like fight through the zombie hoards. Sparing you the full breakdown, the gist of was managing their HP, spell slots, and how much time and effort they took to get get around. My players caught on quick that taking too much time could be a problem in the future, so were careful with taking too long. Their swiftness paid off, as I would have characters roll luck checks with DC based on the time passed when arriving at meaningful locations. Upon reaching the residential area, our paladin Aarakocra (genuinely wasn't a problem) made his luck check, and failed. I described his son, flying up to him with relief and excitement, hugging him. In this moment He felt a sharp pain in his stomach, and the spear tip of a zombie soldier pierced his armour, but not before piercing through his son, killing him (The son). It was a somber moment at the table, as the party tempered their sadness into determination to find the one responsible for the zombies. Now, the trouble lies in the rolls. With a DC 14, the paladin only failed the check by 4, and his scene was probably the most intense one, the other characters that failed their roll, some by greater margins, had notably less intense scenes. This was because I really only planned one or two scenes per character, once I had an idea for a scene, I stuck with it. Following the session, the paladin noted that while he was excited to work with this character development, he wished the severity of the failure was more in line with the roll, and several of my other players echoed this sentiment. We went on to play more sessions after that, but disbanded after our first year as our schedules and locations diverged. None of my players seemed to harbor any ill will against me, but my choice for that scene still nags at me. And so, with all that, I humbly ask the court: was that a bit much? Should I have put more effort into having degrees of failure instead of just killing this kid, or was this the perfect kick I thought it would be to send my players against the big bad?

Matt Wakely

To the honourable crit justices and their sweet baby Josh. I present the case of the well-intending wife. Just last week I was DMing a campaign for my partner, my sister, and two friends. This campaign has been running for many years and goes incredibly smoothly. My party was travelling through the astral plane on their living ship ‘Trent the treant’ and asking him how he came to be a ship. At this point, being an avid NADDPOD fan I described how he looked right into the camera and said ‘it’s a living!’ Now before I get in too much trouble for making a reference as a joke, the crime truly happened. We had a bit of a chuckle and we’re continuing roleplaying when there came some noise from my partner’s laptop, she was playing a YouTube clip of the flinstones. Now if she had of had the ‘it’s a living’ thing ready to go it would have been smooth but instead we sat through 30 seconds of random flinstones bits. Judges, should I punish my partner for attempting to upstage me and my hilarious references that are entirely original? Or should is it me? Am I the problem? P.S. I also played the clip later in the session.

OrlaTheOrator

Forgive me dice christ for I have sinned. I was running an encounter for my party who were fighting some bugbears and as an added challenge they were being plagued by a swarm of stirge. They do a max of 10 damage and have 2 hit points so they were more of a nuisance than a threat. The problem was one player, a monk, I could just not hit and they were swatting away all my strige with their bonus attack. I was getting really frustrated at not being able to hit them and with the fight nearly over I rolled to hit and I was 1 away. The monk had not taken a single hit from a stirge or a bugbear in 8 rounds of combat so I decided to just up that roll by one and told them it hit. They took 4 points of damage, killed the stirge on their next turn and the encounter was over by the end of the round. My transgression had no effect on the overall fight and was purely to douse the flame of my frustration but I still feel guilty at fudging my roll. Can dice christ forgive me?

Daniel Goetz

To the magnanimous Justices and the I don't know he seems pretty cool bailiff Jake. I bring to you the case of the split session mind flayer feast. Last year I was part of a weekly campaign at a local game store, the rules of the weekly game is it is from 6pm to 9pm every Tuesday and if it goes over we keep the owner there late, which is rude. We were in a heated battle with a a minor big bad and his Mind Flayer lackey. Our dwarf fighter ended up grappled by the mind flayer, and in what turns out to be the opposite of being saved by the bell it hits 9pm and the session had to end. What a great cliffhanger to leave off on to keep us excited for next week Right?... Right? I even asked if the fighter was able to signal he needed help to set up my Teifling warlock to teleport him out of there with a Thunder Step (a move that would have been shamelessly stolen from Emily), while hitting the bad guys for some damage as well. Fast forward to the following week and our DM starts the session by asking us to roll initiative again, instead of using the initiative we had last week. Low and behold the Mind Flayer rolls a really good initiative (practically giving it back to back turns) and both me and the dwarf rolled terrible. The Mind Flayer proceeded to use its Extract Brain ability, devour the dwarfs brain, and kill him. This leaves that player to sit around for almost 3 hours doing nothing. Our DM seemed to panic after the fight and we "luckily" found a rod of resurrection after the battle and brought him back but I can't help but feel like the dwarf was robbed of being a part of the climatic battle and I was robbed of a sick use of Thunder Step. This DM ended up not being able to be the DM not long after that and I ended up taking over as DM for that weekly game, so I guess things worked out in the end anyway.

Jackie

To the enlightened Justices and the unremarkable, yet loveable bailiff Jonk, I come before you today scarred both emotionally and physically by a brutal first session. Our DM warned us before we started his campaign that he was a tough DM. Thinking myself a seasoned adventurer of 5+ years, I thought I was prepared for anything. Oh, how wrong I was. The first sign of impending doom came during character creation. We had to roll our stats in a row—no re-rolling, no rearranging. I found myself with a Warlock wielding a 17 Strength, 16 Dexterity, but a tragic 8 Constitution and 9 Charisma. The DM allowed us to swap our stats if we took a -2 penalty to one stat. Not wanting to completely undercut my few good stats, I opted to take the hit, resulting in a 7 strength that was only mitigated by my racial stat boosts. Little did I know, this was just the beginning. In our first combat encounter—mind you, we were still level 1—we faced an orc. Things were going relatively well until I rolled a natural 1 on my Eldritch Blast. This is when our DM casually introduced us to "misadventures." My spell missed the orc but instead hit our Barbarian, dropping him to 1 HP. We barely managed to defeat the orc, only to discover afterward that the orc had been preparing to cast Call Lightning, and we only avoided it thanks to one lucky roll from our Wizard. At the end of the session, our DM ominously announced that, starting next session, he wouldn’t be pulling any punches. Justices, I ask you: Am I being a squishy little baby if I feel like I should speak up? Or should I suck it up, embrace the chaos, and roll with the (frequent and brutal) punches?

Madison Chapman

To the illustrious and tenable judges, and that guy who reads the papers or whatever, Jnco Jeans- I bring you the case of “If a bat screams in silence, does anybody hear it?” I am playing in a monster hunter themed campaign based on the book Heliana’s guide to monsters, where my fellow players and I were fighting a bat wyvern called a Paolumu. At one point, our cleric cast Silence around it, just before the bat attempted a piercing screech attack- thankfully, the cleric and I were safe within the zone of silence as well, but to our horror, the DM described how the force of air pressure from the bat’s *completely silent* scream caused a violent shockwave that devastated our ranger further out from the fight, knocking him out in a single hit. The DM clarified that this attack was dealing thunder damage specifically, which was negated to those of us under the silence spell, but the *force* of its scream displacing the air was powerful enough to travel *through* the silence and hurt the character outside of the spell, even without making any sound. This makes no sense to me. If thunder damage is sound, how can it deal damage without making any sound? If it’s caused by force instead, then silence would do nothing and everyone should have died. (For the record- the amount of damage it did would have been enough to down ALL of us at once, so to play DM’s advocate, it’s entirely possible they were only bending the rules a bit to give the fight some tension without a TPK.) Even though this result worked out well for us and we were able to revive the ranger, the logical part of my brain simply will not let this go! When trying to discuss it with the DM, they said, AND I QUOTE- “I’m an avid disagreer with science in a world where magic exists”. Judges, I beseech you- Should our DM be punished for so blatantly spitting in the face of science? Or perhaps, should I be the one punished for questioning our kind and generous DM and trying to seek logic in a game about magic monster bats? I humbly await your judgment and shall accept whatever ruling you declare.

JaqOfAllGames

To the effervescent Justices and the ever serving bailiff Jay, I bring the case of the angry party vs the role playing ranger. The party is level 18 now and we are fighting and killing the avatars of the good gods in order to bring balance to the world (long story) but we are good aligned characters. The party has had a few character deaths and before we fought our most recent god (Bahamut) we had a character leave and a new character join us through a fae deal. Everything was going well until we had to fight Silvanus, the rangers god. Once the fight began, the Ranger went first and stated “I can’t fight you, but I won’t hurt them” to which Silvanus basically told them to follow their heart. It was at this time that the Ranger left us to fight Silvanus down one party member. I as a player loved this decision as the Ranger is a younger character and was faced with a sacrilegious decision and made the choice he thought was right. The rest of the party however stated that they would kill him if they ever see him again. My dm is doing a lot of things behind the scenes and doing a small side adventure with the Ranger to “atone” but I ask you, is the Ranger in the right for making that decision or does the rest of the party have a right to be incredibly angry with him. I humbly await your decision.

Daniel B

UPDATE to the case of The Undersold Risk of Death and the fate of Sir Aiden! To the honourable justices and the still equally honourable bailiff. Our group finally reunited with Sir Aiden when we found him hanging gasping for his last breath. We successfully rescued him however were told by our brother DM that he is suffering from 2 levels of exhaustion, is now blind and deaf and unable to speak. Obviously his 10 mile stroll did not go well. My brother made sure to guilt us for "abandoning him" which resulted in his fate. I would like to clarify the charges levelled against my brother. On many occasions before the events of the case we had experienced the horrors outside the city walls. Lots of various disembodied organ monsters, mutilated corpses, etc. My case intended to focus on my brother's poor attempt at retroactively instilling a sense of danger to keep the stakes up well after he set up Sir Aiden's journey as low risk. As previously mentioned, the trip started in the morning and he had been clear and consistent from the start that the horrors only came out at night, which was supported by our own experience as well. My brother has a penchant for always trying to ramp up the fear in his horror based campaign at every turn and this threat to Sir Aiden felt like a shoe horned attempt to try to instill one more opportunity for fear in a scenario he himself described as safe. I left out of the original submission for brevity but Sir Aiden was also making the journey along with dozens of other allies. P.S. This is all in good fun. We deeply appreciate our older brother as DM and all the work he puts into his home brewed lore, political system, and time spent ripping off the Silent Hill and Resident Evil franchises. He is the typical over achiever older sibling who is running an otherwise flawless campaign. So please help me in taking him down a peg in what I'm sure we can all agree is a monumental goof that should keep him up at night. Sincerely the second oldest brother who also DMs and is actually flawless.

Jesse

To the upright justices and their little pet freakboy Ginger, I present the case of the thaumaturgical folly. Years back, I was playing in a campaign as a tiefling bard named Stardust. Her main goal in life was to become her world’s version of a famous pop star. To that end, every time Stardust entered a room, she would use thaumaturgy to announce her presence. (I would yell S-S-S-S-STAAAAAARDUUUUUUUST!!!! like a monster truck rally announcer…you know what I mean). Near the end of our campaign, we were sneaking in through the side entrance of a cave full of baddies. Even though we were stealthing, the DM narrated Stardust’s usual thaumaturgical announcement echoing off the walls of the cave, alerting the many, many foes within to our presence. What followed was an absolute bloodbath that ended with a TPK. Justices, I have been torn about this ever since. I narrated this happening literally every time Stardust entered any space for the entire campaign, so it made sense that it would happen in the cave. At the same time, the DM decided that my character used an ability without asking me first. I also did not argue with the DM in the moment because I highkey thought it was funny. Who sucks more--me or the DM?

Cornelius Schnooz

To the honorable justices and that guy that is the one for Jill, what’s his name? Tucker I think. I bring to the court not a case, but some advice seeking. I throw myself humbly at your feet. I am a new DM currently into one session of a homebrew campaign with my boyfriend and best friend (I don’t have a lot of friends, gotta keep the circles tight and the holes tighter) and I’m having to play a bard to help round out our three man band. My question is: how do I balance this party with a character that knows everything? Do I let my players take on most of the role play? Thank you for your time. P.S. I’ve been listening to the pod since 2017 and now I’m finally able to pay for a sub, thanks so much for all these years! P.P.S. I lied about having tight holes Dice Christ please forgive me of my sin.

Joy Ferguson

To the honorable justices and the Bailiff that does his best: I think I deserve to be punished. I'm a first time DM for a homebrew campaign with some coworkers who've become my main friends over the years. We started in April 2023 and we used to play more regularly and had a lot of steam at the beginning, but now we only play about once a month. I had (let's be honest, have) a crush on one of my players and gave his character an invisibility cloak simply because he jokingly asked for it, not even considering the ramifications of this, because he is an OWLIN ROGUE SOULKNIFE and now almost every attack he makes in combat has sneak attack and I can never hit him. Should he be punished for taking advantage of a first time DM or should I be punished for being a simp without a brain?

Christopher Jensen

To the illustrious justices and the mediocre bailiff, I am the GM for a gaming group. I usually choose adventure modules and modify them with my own ideas. After finishing a D&D campaign, we decided to try a new game system and settled on Alien. The first session was going fine until the party met the Starfox team. One of the players quit the game on the spot. I was confounded. I was just trying to make a fun game experience for the players. Was the player being a jerk or is it wrong for me to paint over Ridley Scot's masterpiece? I humbly submit to your justice.

Ziel R.

Hey youse guise. I wanted to give a follow-up on the case I sent in earlier. Short version, my friend set me up with his old DND group, but didn't tell me that he quit nor did he tell me that he doesn't like those guys. Things have gotten better? Worse? Weirder? Given that the general consensus was that what my friend did was fairly fuckled, I decided to ask him what was going on in his head. Murph's Generous(?) Read was pretty spot on. My friend said he liked the DM and the campaign, but the players annoyed him. He figured that I'd probably get along ok with them since I'm calmer, more patient, and more forgiving than he is. He didn't want to let me in on any drama at the table since he didn't want his beef to color my perception of the table before I had a chance to make up my own mind about the players. Here's where things get wierder. Turns out he never told the other guys that he Capital Q Quit. All that they heard was that he was going through some stuff at work and wouldn't be able to make it for a while. He had apparently been MIA from the table for months before I joined, and the group keeps asking me when he's coming back. My friend has made it clear he has no intention of coming back, and I don't want to wedge myself any further into this drama than I already am, so I've just been giving the "If I learn anything new, I'll let you know" answer.

Holden O

O Wise and Merciful Justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner - Oh wow, Jake, I didn't know you worked here. I thought you did, like, a youtube show or something? - sorry, hold on. Justices, we come to you with a quandry as well as a case. We ask for your swift and terrrible punishment as Justices, but we also ask for your *advice* as fellow players and famous yaunts and youncles. My party has been playing very consistently for about 7 years now. In the last year, we have gone from being a mostly in-person group to a mostly virtual group. This has been a little disappointing, but it was not a major impediment. I have been virtual since day one, so it's always been available as fallback for other members, and we've always had good virtual infrastructure. However, in the time that virtual play has become the norm, we've all developed some bad habits that are starting to irk me. Justices: What was once "finishing up the dishes" at 7:30 has become "doing the dishes at 7:30;" what was once "changing over the laundry" has become "doing the laundry;" "playing from the car because I'm running late" has become "planning to play the first 15 from the car, so I can run an errand." These are bigger examples, but we're all guilty of scrolling or trying to answer an email during narration or another players turn, or taking too long to run and grab a snack. When I brought this up, there were complaints that its hard to play online, and that doing the laundry, dishes or having another tab open helps to keep some players locked in; however, this makes me feel like a podcast (no offense) for my own friends. I understand that some tactile tinkering can be helpful, but sometimes it feels like it's gone too far for me. Therefore, we ask you: should I accept that doing their chores helps my friends stay engaged? Am I being unreasonable in pushing to have us all at our seats with cameras on at 7:30pm? If so, is there a line? which chores are light enough to get done during play, and which go too far? Your unworthy servant, Erdin

The Sandreyan

To the infallible Judges and a guy called Jake I saw outside on the street, I bring the case of “The Insight Check within 3 minutes of starting the game” I ran a level 20 one shot recently, I was very nervous about starting such a high level oneshot so I had interviewed my players beforehand to get general vibes and make a good party. On starting the game, my NPC that introduces the main plot hook was 3 lines into his opening speech when I paused to take a breath. One of my players instantly called “INSIGHT CHECK” and it completely floored me and it took me almost 5 minutes to get back into the flow of the opening section. I may have slightly yelled at the player for asking for an insight check 3 lines into the game and putting me off my narrative flow, but I let him roll, he got a 17 and I said “well the 3 lines he has said sound truthful to you so far”. After the game, he said in other games when the DM took a pause it was an invite to ask for insight checks. Judges I ask, was I wrong for being sarcastic and yelling at this player? Or was I in the wrong for leaving such a long pause he thought it was a chance for him to ask for that insight check? I submit to your justice, and if I am wrong I ask my sentence not be food related as I am on a diet. Thank you x

Rob's Wit

To the honorable justices and the bailiff that got a bj from Ben Schwartz back in the day. I bring you the case of the Cinematic 'Railroad' DM. One of my players recently took up DMing and I couldn't be more excited to be one of his players. We are under a year into the campaign and he's got the magic. We've had many great moments of incredible roleplay and his instincts for game time decisions are excellent. There is; however, one recurring thing that I've found difficult to enjoy. He LOVES Cinematics Cut Scenes.At least once every session, he dramatically reads a WoW-expansion-style Cinematic scene that lasts 5-10 minutes. He's an excellent orator, and it's not even the lengthiness that I mind. It's the fact that he has started using these cinematics to fast-forward the party through important campaign moments. There have been several times when just before the culmination of an adventure (cornered by guards, about to face a herald of the dictator god, about to fight evil Wizard, etc) he pauses, breaks the immersion of the game, announces the cinematic, and describes how the party escapes, defeats, or otherwise removes the threat. He's even described characters accomplishing big moments in their individual arcs -- my wandering swordsman character has refused to use his sword for many years, but my DM described my character using his sword to save the party when surrounded by guards. Judges, am i being too judgmental of someone's DM style? Or am I right to feel like both player agency ad the stakes are lessened by using these scenes to skip the hard parts? How do I tell him without crushing his excitement that these scenes are getting in the way of my enjoyment?

Ziel R.

Not directly related to the case, but I did want to give a shout out to the DM and one of the players in the group as well as share a story. I'm a bad combination of anxious and deaf which makes it very difficult for me to play. I'm typically running on a few second delay as I try to parse what I heard and try to reverse engineer a coherent thought from it. The more people talk at once the harder it is for me, so I'll often have to go fully non-verbal so I can devote all my processing power to just listening. This has lead to my player character being functionally mute. I've kind of glommed onto one of the players who takes extensive notes, and since I don't want to derail the conversation when I miss something, I've started texting him when I have a question. The DM has decided to work this into the game and has let me take the Telepath feat for my little fairy and has retconned it that all fairies are telepathic and so they don't speak but rather think their words to each other. A few weeks ago, I got new ears installed. It's an interesting experience. It's not an instant fix, but the change was remarkable. Every week or so I go back to the audiologist to get the settings tweaked. They're slowly adding more sounds and frequencies to what I can hear which makes it easier for me to comprehend speech. This, combined with getting more comfortable with the group/ picking up on people's speech patterns has greatly improved the speed at which I'm able to process conversations and have been able to slowly speak up in conversations more. This ends up working with my character's storyline because he's learning to have to physically speak up rather than just think everything he wants to convey.

jeremy alsaker

To the Large and In Charge Justices and the Small and Ignoble Bailiff Janke, I present to you the Case of the Gaseous Form Fiasco. I was a PC in a friend of mine's campaign, along with some other friends and the DM's older brother. This brother, let's call him Jimmy, was a plate mail toting dwarf paladin. We were attempting to sneak into a well-guarded cave, so Jimmy quickly downed a potion of gaseous form to negate the stealth disadvantage imposed by his armor. He slowly made his way as a toot of gas into the cave while we snuck in behind him. Needless to say, things blew up in our face and we found ourselves fighting a bunch of bandits. Jimmy wanted, as a paladin, to lay on hands my character, who was unconscious, but our DM ruled that he could not use that ability, as he had no hands to lay! Jimmy immediately countered that he still had hands, they were just gaseous! This quickly devolved into some pretty classic sibling in-fighting, and actually ended with my DM saying that he'd always hated Jimmy's dog (who admittedly smelled bad). This was, surprisingly, taken relatively well, and the campaign continued for another several months. But, I still wonder, can gaseous hands heal? I submit myself to the wisdom of the court :)

RecsBecs

No confession here, but does the Church of Dice Christ take praises? My DM is running a Pathfinder 2E game, and they’re taking us through a dungeon. The DM crafted a whole dungeon out of foam board and paint, with a grid on it for our minis (that they also 3D printed for us). They even painted runes in Diabolic on one of the walls. It was incredible and a great treat for us players. Kudos to my DM!

AutoReroll

To the honourably rascally justice gang and that incorrigible bailiff Jern, I would like to present the case of the wasted downtime. A few years ago I started playing a new campaign at a local game store with the premise that our characters had signed up to build a settlement on a magical island. My character, a dwarf mastermind rogue, was built for non combat social manipulation and disguise. I had even spent my downtime building up a false persona by spreading gold around the settlement. The issue is, the rest of the group, DM included, were not interested in talking and we spent all of our time on missions while timeskipping downtime. The one time I did manage to use my persona, the commoner bartender rolled a nat 20 on their insight check, immediately seeing through Mudd the halfling and ending my plans. The campaign was great, and the group still plays together to this day, but I cant help but feel I was lead astray on that session 0.

Hari Williams

To the esteemed justices, and the hooded executioner Jonk, I present the Case of the Singular Goodberry; A few years ago, I ran an online Lost Mines of Phandelver campaign to introduce a few friends to D&D. One of said friends had massively misunderstood some vital TTRPG ettiquette, and invited a number of other players to the game without asking me first. I explained this wasn't really how D&D worked, but figured I'd give his invitees a chance. One player, a Rogue, really struggled mechanically with 5e; I realised soon that she hadn't altered her sheet at all since level 1. When I asked why she hadn't asked for help with her sheet, she said she had; from the friend who invited her, who told her repeatedly that he didn't understand 5e any better than she did, and that he wasn't running the game, to no avail. When we moved onto a new homebrew campaign, the invitee said she'd play a Druid. I told her that I was happy to help her, but I needed her to commit to learning 5e, and ask for help when she struggled. She promised she would. After the first session of the new campaign, I found it concerning that she didn't use any Druidic abilies, deflecting when players pointed out ways she could be useful, and still kept asking my other player if she could try things (only for him to keep reminding her he wasn't the DM). But after the session, I checked her sheet and found the only thing she'd written down besides her stats was the word "Goodberry". She said it was the only spell she thought looked interesting. I eventually gently told her that if she couldn't learn her sheet, I couldn't keep updating her sheet for her, and asked her to leave the campaign. Justices, was I wrong to eventually bounce this player, or should I have stuck it out?

Primalkrisis

unrelated, i love naddpod :3 yall goated, but this is ridiculous-

Rob's Wit

o the honorable justices and the bailiff that got a bj from Ben Schwartz back in the day. I bring you the case of the Cinematic 'Railroad' DM. One of my players recently took up DMing and I couldn't be more excited to be one of his players. We are under a year into the campaign and he's got the magic. We've had many great moments of incredible roleplay and his instincts for game time decisions are excellent. There is; however, one recurring thing that I've found difficult to enjoy. He LOVES Cinematics Cut Scenes. At least once every session, he dramatically reads a WoW-expansion-style Cinematic scene that lasts 5-10 minutes. He's an excellent orator, and it's not even the lengthiness that I mind. It's the fact that he has started using these cinematics to fast-forward the party through important campaign moments. There have been several times when just before the culmination of an adventure (cornered by guards, about to face a herald of the dictator god, about to fight evil Wizard, etc) he pauses, breaks the immersion of the game, announces the cinematic, and describes how the party escapes, defeats, or otherwise removes the threat. He's even described characters accomplishing big moments in their individual arcs -- my wandering swordsman character has refused to use his sword for many years, but my DM described my character using his sword to save the party when surrounded by guards. Judges, am i being too judgmental of someone's DM style? Or am I right to feel like both player agency ad the stakes are lessened by using these scenes to skip the hard parts? How do I tell him without crushing his excitement that these scenes are getting in the way of my enjoyment?

D Cord

To the honorable Crit Justices and baliff Cakewitz I submit the case of the demoralizing first mate: I was the first mate of our ship. Two of the PCs got into a disagreement in front of the crew. I didn’t interrupt because I didn’t want to pull focus from the moment. The DM said the crew noticed the fight. The next session I went to each crew and thanked them for their job thus far, attempting to raise their morale status. At the end of that session, the DM said the crew had lost a morale point due to the fight and because specifically my character not intervening, and that my after fight check in was not enough to keep the morale from slipping. Was I wronged? I was running a Roll20 game with some of my closest friends, but approximately 4 out of every 5 sessions, one player would just disconnect. Occasionally I, or other party members would call them to make sure they were ok, if they were getting back on, etc. they never did. I humbly move the court to punish this player.

Georgie Grey

Oh esteem Justices of Supreme Crit Judicial Service and Jacob Jinglehiemer Schmidt, the Bailiff. I still argue and hold minor resentment for my DM’s move and implore, do I move on? Or plot revenge. The campaign was Tyranny of Dragons, and rather than the build up to fight Tiamat, my DM chose just to drop us at the end of the ritual. So in effort to dodge her breath weapon, I rolled a crit in front of the table (roll20). My DM stated that the DC was 26, so even with the crit my PC was downed adding only +2 to the roll. I had to spend the rest of the battle waiting on the sidelines as I was downed in the first attack. Was I robbed of my crit? Did dice Christ wish my cleric to hold out for one more day? Or was my DM correct in his view of “crit is not an auto success”?

Will Boris

To the Honorable and Benevolent Crit Justices and Jacob, that guy who's on your show sometimes. I present to you the Case of Forced Time Jail. A few years back, one of my friends was DMing a game for a group of his friends and asked me to join. Excited to play dnd I made a Kenku Divination Wizard who had seen visions of the party, as I was joining at level 10. I finally join up, meet the other players, and we all have a good time as we progress through the story. However, not all was as it seemed. As we got into higher levels, I was warned by concerned players about the "Time Police", strange creatures in this world that punish extreme expenditures of magic. Confused I asked the DM about this and was told "oh yeah, my players joked about going back in time to kill the BBEG when he was a baby, so I told them no, you can't, because the Time Police will arrest you." While this sounded fine I guess, a way to avoid player shenanigans, I was more worried about the next part. "They kept asking me for clarification, so I made a rule. If you cast a 9th level spell, you have to roll a d100. If you get half your level or lower, you get arrested by the Time Police for using too much magic." I was astounded, not only was this a crazy ruling, I was also the only person who would be able to cast a 9th level spell! The rest of the party had little to no magic! But, as the new player to the group, I continued. At level 20 we must scale a massive tower to the BBEG, and at the bottom I cast Foresight, a 9th level spell that powers up our fighter. My dm asks me to roll a d100, for the Time Police. And, as you may guess, I roll an 8. Under half my level. The DM then describes magical beings appear and bind me with magical chains, pulling me away to time jail. Now I, in real life, must watch for 3 hours as the rest of my new friends scale this tower without me. I was brought back for the BBEG fight, but was otherwise ignored for the entirety of this session. Justices, was I wronged for using my class abilities? Or did I know the crime, and must serve more Time in Time Jail?

morwinire

To the elevated Justices and the pedestrian bailiff Jort, I bring the case of the Perpetually Hooded Half-Elf! I was playing a new campaign with my husband and his friends, in which a human kingdom and an elf kingdom were at war. During character creation, as we all discussed our characters, the other player told us he’d be playing a half-elf rogue, but wouldn’t go into more detail than that. In-game, he played his character as a classic shadowy criminal type, not divulging much to the rest of the party. Later, about four or five sessions in, I referred to him, in character, as a half-elf. The player insisted that my character wouldn’t know his character was a half-elf, as he had been keeping his cloak hood up over his face. My husband and I argued that there was no way he could have kept it up the entire time we’d been together, since several days (and a long rest) had passed since we all met, and if we had known this detail, we would have asked him about the hood before now. But he stood firm, and after the session, asked us not to metagame with out-of-character information again. Am I right for thinking our characters would have some idea of what race our party member was, or did the other player have a right to character privacy? I look forward to your just and sound decision. P.s. never played dnd, hate the show <3

DJ Matty Lil Crits

To the Wife Worm and Wife Guys of the Supreme Crit, and whatever Jill calls Jake to calm him down when he's crying, I present the Neglectful Husband. We were a group of lv 7s fighting a lich and his minions. the DMPC cleric had thrust her sword into the lich's chest to absorb his magic so we would take only half damage to lower the difficulty of the fight. Knowing the lich couldn't remove the sword, my bard cast heat metal on the sword. After 2 rounds of my bullshit, my DM ruled that I'd heated the sword enough to melt it, even though that's not how the spell works. I was fine with it, and took it as a compliment for my spell usage. We won without any permanent deaths thanks to the cleric's revivify and her father, a Duke of Hell, dragging the boss to hell to completely skip the second phase where the lich started cloning himself. My actual grievance is that on the way home, the cleric's husband, an ancient silver dragon and my DM's pathfinder character, arrived to guide us home. As we celebrated our victory, the dragon cornered my character demanding I buy his wife a replacement sword, as the sword I melted had been an anniversary present. As a lv 7 bard, I did not have the funds to buy a new legendary class sword. He said don't worry, I can pay it off later. Judges, I do not want to buy him a sword. if he wants his wife to have a sword to defend her, I recommend he be more present in her life. What say you? I humbly await the wisdom of her worm-li-ness and the compassion of the court.

Sammo Cando

To the encomiastic justices and the uncomfortable bailiff, Tucker's Coat Rack, I present to you the case of the Narcoleptic Player. I have a long running online game with my brother and his friends. We are all in our 30's and have fairly set schedules so we have been playing every other Sunday evening for a long time. One of the players was new to DND and is enthusiastic, a wild card, and an absolute gem to have in my game. The issue is that he falls asleep in almost every session. Somewhere between hour 2-3 of the session, often within one round of combat, his consciousness vanishes and we see him sleeping soundly on the discord. Calls and noises do not wake him, and we just play the rest of the session with his character on autopilot. He has a demanding job and has to get up really early on Mondays, but this slot is the only time that works for all six of us. What are some ways I can work around this or even develop an in game mechanic to help? He has not been diagnosed formally btw, so this isnt a real medical accommodation.

Libbi Longworth

To the epicurean Justices and the extremely maudlin bailiff what's his name, I present the case of the firebolt tantrum. A friend of mine DM's a game for a group of her friends. The DM had set up a fun pirate island session where the party could go to the island under parlay and go to a market and buy or gamble for magical items they otherwise couldn't get access to. One of the party wanted to get more information for a quest they need to deal with later on, so my friend built out a library run by a powerful librarian for this player. The librarian agreed to give him access to all their resources in exchange for a small vial of his blood, the player is a changeling and the librarian wanted to do experiments with his extremely valuable blood. The player agreed, the deal was struck and the information was given. Afterwards the player tried to destroy the blood sample they had given, but the library has a counterspell reaction to prevent magic from disturbing it, the player was then ejected from the library. Instead of moving on the player then decided to re-enter the library, start shooting firebolts and light it all on fire. The pirate security arrived, he was arrested and the rest of the party had to get him free. Later the player messaged the DM saying she was a dictator, he quit the game and didn't want to be friends with her anymore because she railroaded them and had all these plans and wouldn't give them any agency. So I ask the judges was my friend wrong to roleplay the natural consequences of the players actions? Or should she have let him make a deal, destroy his end of it and get away scott free?

Maddy Thaller

To the most excellent, esteemed and extremely sexy supreme crit justices, and the lowly (but also sexy) bailiff jake I bring you the case of the horny ranger For just over a year my partner and I had the pleasure of playing a fairly intense campaign with another couple. We were living together at the time and got to play frequently because of that. The boyfriend of the aforementioned couple was the DM, and he was really good at it, we played in a home brew world that he’d been building for years and knew like the back of his hand. It sounds like a dream scenario, but DMing proficiency was actually part of the problem. Eventually me and my partner noticed that the better a session went, the sooner the session would end, always due to Dms gf (our parties ranger) being So Extremely Tired. We also noticed that on these occasions we would almost immediately hear the telltale squeaking of their broken bed, despite the alleged exhaustion of the couple. Your excellencies, once is understandable. Twice is understandable. But it got to the point that we could guess before they would adjourn to their room which sessions would be fodder for their sometimes loud romps in their room beside the living room. So, your honours, are we to be sentenced for being annoyed with our ranger, or is she to blame for cutting our adventure short to prioritise non table top role play?

GurberBurger

To the Honorable Justices and Amir’s friend, I bring to you the case of the Summoned Fiend Folly. I am the DM to a party of four players; the paladin Vel, rouge Tips, necromancer Necrulhu and transmogrifier Julious. We have been adventuring together everyother Sunday for about 5 years now. In our most recent session, our party was attending the Glittering Gala, a party taking place in a lavash abode of some Waterdavian aristocrats. The party was socializing, investigating and carousing as one would typically do. Our rouge, Tips, was investigating a hallway deep within this magnificent mansion, when he stumbled upon a room with two frightening figures; a skeletal creature draped in fine robes and a floating beholder, both enjoying some brandy and conversation in the VIP room. Tips rolled to stealthily close the door and escape unnoticed, intending to alert the rest of the party. However, before Tips could reach any of his party members, the transmogrifier, Julious, stopped leading a conga line on the dance floor and cast Summon Fiend to attack the party-goer. He started to narrate how his fiend would brutalize each attendee in sight when I interrupted him to prompt initiative. Our paladin, Vel, was vexed by Julious’s intent to harm “innocents”, rolled high on initiative, and swiftly dispatched with the summoned fiend. Julious was quite annoyed at how this went down and sent a block of text to the group the next day, arguing that he should have gone first in a surprise round, that Vel shouldn’t have killed his fiend since he knew a fellow party member had summoned it, and that Vel rolled suspiciously well having killed the fiend in one turn. Justices, and Amir’s friend, I ask you: does Julious have reasonable doubt? Would the unsuspecting party members and party-goers have been delayed a round when seeing this fiend summoned? Was Vel a bad party member? Should he have let Julios play through his plan? Is there anyway to substantiate the claim of a suspicious roll, or are we only left to trust such a “righteous” slaying? Should Julious have know about this VIP room in the first place? I humbly await your judgement. Yours truly, Gabbus

Chaini

To the esteemed lofty justices and the actual grounded hard working bailiff, I submit to you the case of the exploited familiar. I use to play with a group of 6 . In this group, we had one girl who had a nerfed dragon familiar that she would constantly exploit the dm with. She would send it on dangerous task, scouting missions and use him in battle but throw tantrums when the dm suggests the thing was in danger. She was warned multiple times he could die if she continued and she would often scoff and roll her eyes. One day, she made the brilliant move to send her familiar into battle, placing him right in the way of another one of our players. The player attacked, forgetting the dragon was in between him and the target and the dm made him roll to see if he was able to miss the dragon. He failed. THE DRAGON SURVIVED but was wounded. She instantly began throwing a fit and yelling at the dm and the player for hurting her pet. She demanded the dm take the damage back. He refused after which she promptly turned and began attacking the party in game. This resulted in a massive argument at the table and one of the biggest tantrums I have ever seen from an adult. In the end, she claimed she killed the other player and quit dragging her boyfriend from the room as well. Since there was just me, the another player and the dm left, we stopped playing after that and switched to magic. I still stand with the other player and the dm. Her familiar was constantly in the way and she needed to be taught her animal was not free plot armor but I would love to here the courts decision on this case.

Big Green

To the esteemed and hallowed justices and the guy who reads these, I present the case of the Unwilling Main Character I'm currently in a Pathfinder 2e where I am playing a monk named Lash with the wrestler archetype, allowing me to perform suplexes, submission holds, piledrivers, spinebusters, etc. Because I am our party's primary martial character, and am utilizing a lot of unique wrestling abilities, I tend to dominate most monsters on the battlefield. This has had the unintended consequence of my party insisting in and out of game that I'm the main character, even going so far as to suggest that we call our party "Lash & Friends." This pedestal makes me uncomfortable, which I've tried to express in game but to no avail. Justices, should I accept that I really am the best there is and the best there was, or should my friends let me take a break from the spotlight? (PS for Justice Murphy, there is another archetype separate from wrestler called gladiator which allows for cutting promos in battle and playing to the crowd)

Walric Stormhaven

To the esteemed Crit Justices and the greatest voice in all of podcasting history Jacoby. New DM here and started my first session with 3 players and now in session 4 with 6 players. two of the players are husband and wife and are forever dms playing as players for the first time. My god. Every combat situation or RP they have to get in an argument about sentinel or suppose to do nature instead of survival etc. Guys it's getting to be a lot but this is my only chance I've had playing in general attempting many times to find a group. They love the story I made and NPCs but these little things are stacking up looking like the Tower of Babel. Do I stick with it and continue the ongoing conversations that I am the DM of this campaign or do I just cancel the campaign and play Baldurs Gate 3 solo mode.

RomanProphet

To the magnanimous justices of the Supreme Crit and also Bailiff Jimmy. Our group has had an long-term Pathfinder 1e campiaign and my DM, who I can only think to describe as 'shockingly permissive', allowed me play a character who, unbeknownst to the rest of the party, had originally been born a black dragon, who had been slain by a party of adventurers and then reincarnated by a druid, his soul relocated into a human body. Now, as part of a larger plot arc, our party was required to attend a dinner gala at a noble's mansion. Everything went fine, until dessert, when the maître d' decided to serve everyone a 'special delicacy': Dragon Brain. You can probably put the rest together on your own, but long story short, the party ended with my character eating part of his own brain. It's now been a running gag that my character is, technically, a cannibal, to the point that other party members will introduce him as such to NPCs. Obviously it's all in good fun, but I would very much like a ruling on the matter, o' great and wise justices: Is it technically autocannibalism if your soul has transmigrated into another body? And does my poor cleric deserve a bit of a break from all the jokes? I eagerly await your judgement.

Wyred

May it please the most Supreme of Courts and tickle the bailiff’s fancy until he wets himself… I present the case of the Bullseye Druid! My partner was playing a game DMed by her long-term friend with a couple other second-degree friends. They invited me to join and, since the party was two Rogues and a Barbarian starting at third level, I made a Grasslands Druid to specialize in stealth and healing. The DM was also running the same module, Avernus I think, for another group. They thought it would be fun if both parties “raced” through an underwater grotto obstacle course to retrieve some McGuffin for a local town festival. The DM was very clear that NO ONE WOULD BE ALLOWED DIE FROM PvP as part of this competition, though Mario Kart-type shenanigans seemed to be expected. My Druid did quite well navigating the nature-based challenges, naturally, and we avoided some combat using Pass Without Trace. In the final chamber there was a large shark guarding the treasure. The DM said both groups had gone about the same speed in our separate sessions, so the other party of six came in at the same time from a different direction. I suggested—via Psychic Whispers, courtesy of our Soul Knife Rogue—that we should use our stealth to grab the treasure and make a clean getaway without fighting. It seemed like a good option to avoid PvP and my Druid didn’t like the idea of killing the shark. However, the DM ruled that Pass Without Trace didn’t conceal us from the other party because we were in a large, open chamber and made everyone roll initiative. I felt like we should have at least gotten a Stealth VS Perception roll but let it go because I felt sympathetic that the DM was already doing so much cat herding. Our Soul Knife eventually managed to grab the McGuffin, which was an amulet. Plan B was to run a sort of Dash Action relay with it. I cast Invisibility on our Soul Knife so he could get away from the fighting while the Barbarian ran interference. Then my partner’s Tabaxi Trickster Rogue used Mage Hand to grab the amulet from our Soul Knife and move ~100 feet away using some crazy class/race combo. At this point the other party’s Wizard told his group to “Focus on the Druid and break his concentration!” since they thought our Invisible Soul Knife still had the amulet. Here, I’d like to pause and bring two pieces of evidence to the court’s attention: 1) the whole session was taking place in an UNDERWATER grotto with the benefit of potions for breathing and 2) the Wizard was the DM’s husband. Meta-gaming aside, Mr. Wizard would have no way of speaking to his party members. I pointed this out but the other party still turned their attacks on me—despite already being in combat with a big angry shark—and I quickly went down. By then our Rogues were long gone with the amulet and the Barbarian was able to stabilize and scoop me. Despite us “winning” the competition in the end, I still felt about an ocean’s worth of salty. Your honors, should our stealth plan have been given a fair chance? Should the DM have intervened to uphold her “no PvP death” rule, or at least stopped the meta-gaming focus fire? I await your verdict with bated Potion-of-Water-Breath! P.S. We are no longer friends with these people but that’s a story for another time…

Phil E

To the erudite justices and their workplace proximity associate Jon, I submit the case of the Nat 20 vs true love. I was playing a terminally ill tortle peace domain cleric in a feywild campaign whose journey was towards acceptance of his fate and to regain an appreciation of the value of his life. At the start of the campaign, he was mildly bitter. In a carnival, our party came across a halfling proposing to his partner. Under an unfortunate magic of the carnival, she was placed under the effect of Tasha’s hideous laughter and the male halfling ran off. On finding him, the rest of my party was comforting but I rolled persuasion to convince him he is better off and should seek love elsewhere. I rolled a nat 20. Immediately on seeing his partner again, they reconciled. I argue that my nat 20 was rendered meaningless, but my DM argued that we did not see the full scope of the impact of my 20 and it is possible that it sowed the seeds of mistrust and doomed their marriage. I argue that we had no clue to that in the campaign and that a passing reference to a deadness in their eyes would have satisfied me. Justices, was I wronged? Should the world have 2 more halflings on Hinge? I await your decision.

Insufficiently Caffeinated

If it please the most sagacious judges and the cake aficionado bailiff, I request a ruling on an issue which has divided my family for lo these many weeks. I’m a newish DM running my first campaign for my two kids and my husband. In a recent session, their party entered the Feywild, where my daughter’s wizard, a baker, was recruited as a contestant in the Feywild’s favorite reality show, Is It Cake. In the contest, I had my daughter (10) rolling performance rolls, with her party members and familiar hyping up the audience to give her advantage. However, my son (17) argued that I should be having my daughter rolling skill checks and adding her proficiency bonus, since she’s a skilled baker. My argument was that she’s making a cake for TV, so it’s a performance. My husband took my son’s side, and my daughter took mine — even though the mechanic I used did put her at less of an advantage — and the evening ended in acrimony. My son hasn’t left his room since, and my husband has taken to wearing an ultra-realistic Grinch costume in protest of my decision. Just kidding! A good time was had by all, especially after they defeated the mimics that were posing as cakes. However, I’m wondering if my mechanic was reasonable, or if I should concede my son’s point. Either way, my kids (rightly) think you all are as hilarious as you are wise, so we humbly seek your verdict.

Hannah

To the learned, charming, and astute justices and Jeff, who’s okay, I guess: I ended a campaign after 10 sessions due to chronic last-minute absences from my players in a heavily player driven campaign, where a couple of absences could ruin everything I set up for the night. The campaign was a thriller/mystery, and now I have former players asking me for answers. I’ve been telling them they should have shown up if they wanted to know. I know this sounds like it comes from a place of bitterness, because it does. I’m so bitter. I now know why writers of prematurely cancelled shows don’t usually tell fans their plans. Am I wrong keeping things to myself? I will happily accept punishment, but I’m keeping my secrets.

Eric Dong

To the honorable justices and… I think that’s it. I bring you the case of the D&D Beyond AC Blunder. It is my first time as a player using D&D Beyond (I am usually the DM). Our DM, who is quite new to being a DM, is running the party through a pretty weeded campaign where we roll our stats and HP, we can’t really take short rests, and we can only long rest in towns/settlements. After one specific combat, we received a necklace. Like other items in D&D Beyond, I put it in my inventory and “equipped it” by checking the little box. We went about the punishing campaign and I didn’t think much of it. Now, a year later, the party was in combat and we were in dire straits; I dove into my inventory to see what creative solution might surface. I saw this necklace we were given which boosts the individuals AC +5 for a short amount of time. I equipped it and, much to my chagrin, my AC dipped by 5. What just happened? Justices, I didn’t know that when I “equipped” this necklace a year ago that my AC had been bolstered by +5. Its effect was supposed to go away but I was unaware of how D&D Beyond worked and that obviously didn’t happen. This AC boost has saved the party a number of times since my Goliath Monk was elusive and this campaign is souls-like punishing. I fear of un-equipping it as it is well-known that my Monk is elusive and he would surely die if my AC was 14 instead of 19. Justices, I plea for your ruling. Am I guilty for this plausibly deniable fault? I await your judgement either way.

Deftlyhandled

May it please the AXcellent, MURPHect and TANNERiffic Justices and the - help me out here Emily - sung to the tune of Baby Snakes by Frank Zappa “Baaaabbyyyy Jaaaaakkke”. May I present to you a perhaps simple case: Corrosive Form vs Magical Weapons. I play in a 5e campaign as Zumneiros Iulan Yluwarin of the Lapis Light (Zoom for short) - a moth-themed Fairy Monk - surprisingly badass and don’t worry - while I do fly I don’t play my flying character cheesy, Zoom is mostly just tiny powerful fists and a dangerous infatuation with candles. We are fighting a cabal of shadow druids that have occupied a ruined temple of Tyr (and maybe Ilmater we think) in an abandoned village built atop a tall plateau inside a massive underground chamber at the top of a section of the underdark. That’s a bit to unpack and maybe not relevant. We encountered some Black Puddings in a room occupied by a Shadow druid alchemist. My generous DM had given Zoom a pair of gloves that did an extra 1D4 necrotic damage per hit (maybe that’s why Zoom is surprisingly badass). He gives things like this out to us all with reckless abandon - my gloves aren’t the most powerful thing he’s given us, and then he womps the everloving fuck out of us about every second or third encounter. Great Fun. Now, I’m a relatively experienced DM and I try to leave that hat off when playing a character, and I successfully did so as I punched the Black Pudding - genuinely forgetting that making a melee attack against them subjects you to 1D8 acid damage and corrodes the weapon. My DM and I got into a maybe 5-10 minute gentlemanly debate as my gloves (and the Paladins sick flaming greatsword for that matter) took “permanent, cumulative -1 penalty to damage rolls”. I interpret the wording of Corrosive Form as that non-magical weapons made of metal or wood will be subject to this mechanic but magical weapons are not. My DM interprets that non-magical weapons are instantly corroded, rendering them unusable and magical weapons are subject to the cumulative permanent penalties. We accepted the penalties and the DM did concede that they can be repaired. We played on and I offered to submit this to the highest, most noble, and most competent court in all the known realms and also Jake, and so I beseech you to adjudicate; Do Black Puddings corrode magical weapons or were we wrongly mildly inconvenienced? Fuck you, I love you, eat a rat. P.S. I don't know what TANNERiffic means, but in my heart of hearts I know it is a good thing, and in my brain of brains I know it must be fucking hilarious.

The Crit Crew

To the talented and incredibly funny Justices Tanner and Axford and that one guy who’s married to Emily, as well as Bailiff Cake who I think was on an episode of 8 Bit Book Club. I present to you the case of the Surprise Priest Murder. This takes place a few years ago, me and my friends who have been playing for years were running a Curse of Strahd campaign and had gotten to the point where you have to investigate a local church. As we entered into the church and begun talking to the priest there about what was the deal, our ranger loudly announced “I have rolled a stealth check and got an 19.” Out Adam was baffled by this but told him okay and proceeded on with the conversation. A full 2 minutes later as we are still in conversation with this priest (to which in real life our ranger hasn’t said a word) our ranger then loudly announces “I rolled to hit and got a 21, the priest takes 13 damage.” We all look shocked as we are mid conversation with this priest and he had done nothing at all to deserve getting shot. Our DM takes a beat but then announces, “Uhm…. Okay. I guess you see the priest fall to the floor dead.” We are all obviously upset cause now we can’t get the information we need out and that quest line is just gone. When we confront the ranger about why he did it he said, “I was 100% certain he was a monster, and my character kills monsters.” He then proceeded to stand firm he did nothing wrong and that we were “overreacting” to his murder. We ended the session there and then decided to not invite him back to finish that campaign if he was going to act like that. I ask you humble and suave Judges, were we in the right to remove him from the campaign or should we have had more mercy and let him stay? P.S- We did invite him back for our next campaign, and during session 3, as we were trying to escape a sinking ship his cavalier fighter rolled terribly and couldn’t escape. As we tried to go back and save him he said, “I don’t let you, I die here.” And then left the call and the session. He then gave us an ultimatum to choose between him and our DM because our DM “Clearly hated him and didn’t want to let him shine.”

Sovereign Tonic

To the most esteemed justices of the court and that nasty little toad Jake Hurwitz, I seek guidance on a matter most vexatious: there is a problem DM in my family, and I fear it might be me. I am a life-long nerd but have only been playing DnD seriously for a couple of years (having been inspired by those gorgeous buffoons on Dimension 20) and have embraced my mantle as a forever DM with great joy. I love sharing my newfound love for the hobby with friends both old and new, and so I tried running some games for family – which is where the problem begins. My five-year-old daughter, Charlotte, loves the monster manual and asked if we could play together. Charlotte even created her own character: the ninja weretiger, Fire Flame. I used a simplified version of Kids on Bikes, some old figurines from the Talisman boardgame and the game tiles from Forbidden Desert. It went great! So great in fact, Charlotte asked to DM. Delighted, I said of course. The first time she TPK'ed us it was right after we defeated her bad guy. We slew the evil sorceror guarding the sunstone but as soon as he died, the party was sucked into a cyclone and instantly killed. No rolls, no foreshadowing, just sudden, screaming death. Afterwards, I explained to Charlotte that being the DM wasn't about winning or losing. It was about telling a story together. She said she understood. The next time we were TPK'ed by a unicorn who had joined our party. We had purchased the unicorn's freedom from a local goblin and Violet (the unicorn) had been a great addition to the party. Justices, we were given no indication of the malice this unicorn harboured! At a word from the sorceror, the beast "cut our bodies off" with its unstoppable heat ray. Then the sorceror rode away on the unicorn. I implored my weed-smoking uncle to weigh in on the matter but he was no fucking help at all. I beseech the court to hear my case! Is my daughter straying down a dark path? Is she becoming a problem DM or am I problematic for believing myself to be in the right? Do I break the covenant of storytelling by speaking out or staying silent? Do I ask my daughter to play by the rules or do I let her cook? I do not care what punishment is handed down to me, but should you deem my daughter to be in error, I ask you to be lenient to the child: she is very smart and funny and cool.

Reese

To the illustrious justices and the lowly bailiff Cake. I bring the case of D&D 5.5e. I built my world (Vandalar) all in the rules of 5e with the old players handbook. Now that the new one is out they want to rewrite their level 8 characters that they’ve been playing for the last year. They want extra feats, and bonuses to their ability scores based on the new rules. I’ve tried to meet them half way and told them they can make new characters and I can kill off their old ones if they so choose to change things now. I dunno.. they don’t deserve extra stuff, i’m a pretty generous DM. Who must be punished?? Thank you for your judgment Justices and Cake

Thomas Thingsaker

To the most wonderful judges of the court and the eternal scheming bailiff Jenk Hermatz. Presenting the case: the threat of a new “Sorrowsworn”. Me, the DM, and my party have been playing DND almost weekly since Christmas 2023, when I finally got my courage and forced them to play with me. They were all newbies, but we have been having a blast and have had regular sessions mostly over zoom for quite a while now. Coming into our predicament. My players are following a storyline leading to the underdark where they find a group of monsters, which are called “The sorrowsworn”, they have names like “The hungry”, “The lonely” etc. This storyline is also tied to one players backstory as these creatures are from the shadowfell and he is a Shadar-Kai in service of the Raven Queen, so he feels obliged to destroy them. My players being the goofy guys they are, immediately said, “Oh and the worst one is of course The Horny”. I assure you most esteemed judges there is no “The horny” but it’s funny and we laugh it off. This continues over a couple of sessions, where after a while I do not find this joke as funny as the party and after a boiling point threaten my players that I will create “The Horny” to do unimaginable things if they dont stop this joke. Esteemed judges, was I wrong for going off on my players like this? Should I get therapy? P. S. We all laughed it off and are still playing regularly and they have continued to make the joke, i have not fulfilled my threat. P.P.S. When we had a physical session during the summer they got me a bottle of whiskey and a handrawn card with all the PC's their favorite NPC and a note that almoast made me burst into tears.

Alien butt puppet

My dearest primogens of the illustrious church of dice christ, I have a confession that has weighed on my soul for almost 10 years, when I first started playing I was the only one In the group who wasn't familiar with the game, but the whole group out of game decided we didn't like one of the players characters , a goody goody paladin. One session we unceremoniously slaughtered the paladin and kicked him out of the group. I still feel awful about this and hope my sins can be forgiven.

TealerC

To the Wonderful beautiful judges smelling pleasantly of roses, and that duplicitous bailiff jank, I present the case of the “Illiterate Wizard”. I have been playing in a long term campaign with a group of friends for a handful of years now with a few shorter adventures interspersed within our main campaign, (I am currently DMing a 6 session thing inspired by a strange mash of lethal company and overcooked) in this main campaign I play a homebrewed school of golemancy wizard reflavored to be a “hands-on” sort of necromancer, my necromancer is less of the cold and calculating commander of a zombie army but is more of the will sit under your bed at night giggling and cackling whilst fiddling, playing with, and stitching together some corpses i’ve “collected” sort of necromancer. But I ramble on, we must get to the illiteracy, it is not my character who is illiterate but tis I who cannot read. My wizard with his extensive list of spells as well as many spells my dm has homebrewed for me is a lot to keep track of so I regularly find myself mid battle misreading what a spell does and due to me and my dm being the only truly experienced at the table no one catches my mistake until I reread the spells days or weeks later and send a text in our group chat explaining and lamenting my mistake. I guess this might be more of a confession, I am in the wrong. How do I repay for my mistake? P.S. Here is my homebrew Golemancer: School of golemancy Hard Working hands 2nd You gain proficiency in two tools of your choice and you gain the ability to read and write dethek Simple creations 2nd Once a long rest you may, as an action, touch a tiny object and that object animates for 15 min. It has 8 AC 1 HP and 15ft speed it has a score of 8 for all other stats. This creature is a tiny construct that you control. Loyal Homunculus 6th At the end of a long rest you touch 80 pounds of clay, wood, stone, or flesh and use it to create a loyal homunculus, a small construct, under your control who lasts until it dies or is dispelled at which point it turns back into loose materials, the loyal homunculus has the stats of a 3rd level fighter with additional HP equal to your INT modifier X your proficiency bonus. You may only have one loyal homunculus at a time. Combat golem 10th At the end of a long rest you may touch 200 pounds of clay, wood, stone, or flesh to create a battle golem under your control that lasts until it dies or is dispelled at which points it turns back into raw materials. The golems stats change based on what kind of material you used. You may only have one combat golem at a time. A medium or smaller creature can ride on the back of your combat golem. Combat Golem Large construct, unaligned Armor Class 17 (Natural Armor) Hit Points 100 + ((INT modifier * your proficiency bonus) * wizard level) Speed 30 ft. (clay; +15ft, Climb 25ft) STR 22 (+6) DEX 9 (-1) CON 20 (+5) INT 3 (-4) WIS 11 (+0) CHA 1 (-5) Damage Immunities Poison, Psychic Damage Resistances (stone; Bludgeoning, Piercing, and Slashing) Condition Immunities Charmed, Exhaustion, Frightened, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned Senses Darkvision 120 Ft., passive Perception 10 Languages Understands The Languages Of Its Creator But Can't Speak Immutable Form. The golem is immune to any spell or effect that would alter its form. (wood; Magic Resistance. The golem has advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects. Magic Weapons. The golem's weapon attacks are magical.) Actions Multiattack. The golem makes two slam attacks. Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: +10 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: (3d8 + 6) bludgeoning damage. (flesh; Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5ft, one target. Hit: (6d8 + 6) piercing damage.) Siege golem 14th Once a long rest as an action you may touch your combat golem and 200lbs of the same material as your golem and these materials are expended, for a number of rounds equal to your INT modifier your golem becomes gargantuan in size, gains the siege monster ability (Siege Monster. The creature deals double damage to objects and structures.), your golem’s HP doubles, and it deals an additional 2d8 damage with all attacks and its attack range increases by 10ft.

Michael Griffith

To the Honorable Judge Axford, the Prestigious Judge Tanner, the Luxurious Judge Emily's Husband, and the Take it or Leave it Bailiff Hake Jurwitz. I bring forth the case of the Problem Character being rewarded by the Dice gods. In our campaign, we have a PC that's particularly chaotic. Had an encounter with an NPC where he slept with and then tried to rob them but only survived by me rolling a Nat1 on a spell that would've killed them. This player was also the only one to pull from the Deck of Many things, and drew the Sun (shooting them to lv7 amongst a lv3 party). Is this simply a sign that his shenanigans have been blessed by Dice Christ, or should I introduce some DM Intervention (The party seems to have a love-hate relationship with this PC, so no actual hard feelings are present)

Ashlyn Bonnett

Dear honorable judges and esteemed bailiff Jork, I bring to you the case of my sucky ex. We were in a short relationship that wasn't going great for other reasons and had joined a campaign with his friends. It had only been a couple sessions before he used a couple highly rolled checks to overpower an orc warlord and become the new king of the orcs, turning against the party and essentially derailing the entire campaign like 4 sessions in. I had played the beginning of 3 campaigns with him and each time he had a ridiculous character and an in with the dms who for somereason always allowed this? One was a bull/giant with ridiculous strength stats who's character pog was the size of a dragon/large monster on the map. One was some kind of four armed insectoid creature archer with, cannon no personality as "these creatures dont feel human emotions", weilding two bows which he was allowed to use simultaneously essentially giving him two actions at level 1. It's time this minmaxer, non roleplaying dirtbag had his day in court!

araysharp

Dear most beautiful and honorable judges and the surprisingly handsome bailiff, I bring you the case of magic vs gundams, I play in a campaign where there are gundam mobile suits, that both players and enemies use. I play a goblin rogue who recently became an artificer and my character didn’t have a suit since he was a goblin raised in a cave who got stuck in a void bag for a couple centuries, so I worked with the dm to make a system to be a support player for our parties suits, we got into our first fight using the suits and I tried to cast blindness/deafness on the suit. The dm said that I couldn’t but I argued that since I’m an artificer my spell casting is all tech and I have other things that can effect the mobile suits. Ultimately I wasn’t allowed to cast it as the dm and another player said the suit wasn’t a “creature” according to the spells wording. I’m wondering if you think I should be able to cast spells on a gundam as an artificer? This isn’t the most serious topic I’m just curious as to what the esteemed judges think. I rest my case and await fair judgement!

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Jake. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the deets to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

Juicebox

Dear Supreme Crit Justices and the two goblins in a trench coat equivalent of a bailiff, I come before you to confess my crime—blatant plagiarism. My "original" world of Shadeloch? Yeah, it’s got sibling gods just like Eldermourne. But don’t worry—I decided to plagiarize Dragon Age: Origins too, to feel a little less guilty about copying NADDPOD. Now I’ve got a mashup of ideas that are barely mine but somehow still work. Please forgive me. Murph, can you check it out? I swear it’s sort of original!

Gekkogahiya

To the esteemed justices and the genetic donor for Tucker's stepdaughter, I present the case of the Sleighted Symbol, may it please the court. My party was travelling in a drow city in the underdark. One of the players, a drow prince, is in hiding because he was wanted in his own city for reasons unknown to the players. However, given that they possess no magical means of disguise, the prince's facepaint was seen though and the party was aprehended as they passed the noble district. The first thing that happened was the triggering of the Symbol spell. Judges, here is my crime. I originally stated that the drow mage who had discovered them used the Sleep function of the spell, when two of my party members (the prince included) reminded me that they were immune to sleep, being a drow and eladrin. I, in my stupidity, had completely forgotten this. However, the caster was a drow himself and, given his own immunity, should've known that his target was immune as well. I rolled an intelligence check for the wizard and rolled high, so I changed the symbol spell to pain, but my players seemed kind of disappointed. Judges, was I wrong to correct my own mistake when a character I am playing is smarter than I am?