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D&D Court Submissions! (Patreon)

Published:
2025-04-08 00:55:37
Edited:
2025-04-08 00:56:16
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

It's that time of the month!

Supreme Crit is getting ready to convene, and we're looking for your tabletop quarrels and controversies!!

Please share a BRIEF description of the scandal or disagreement that rocked your ttrpg table, and we will mete out our swiftest justice.

<3 you all,

Bailiff Emily

Comments

Gabriel Felix

To the cute judges and Jailiff Bake. I bring you the case of the Stolen Pc. I played in a friends 3 shot over a year ago, along with a married couple, my sister, and one of the couples father. We decended beneath the sewers of Waterdeep and was confronted after a bit with intellect devoures. As lvl 2 pc’s this combat was tough. We won the fight but the wife of the couple was downed with an unknown amount of death saves or fails. One of the Devourers vanished, and soon after our downed pc woke up. But it was no long her talking. It was the dm speaking through her and later we found she had been taken over by the creature. She quit before the next session began because she felt her losing character agency was crossing a line. When the dm heard this, he shut down the game. I talked to him a few days later and he was so upset that he had hurt her feelings that he was going to quit dnd all together. After talking with him for a few hours and talking to the couple separately, I was able to get him to feel good enough to continue playing. We’ve played together in several one shots since then. Justices and Jork, was the pc right to feel like a line was crossed? Is there a better way the dm could’ve handled it? I leave the righteous decision in your capable hands.

James Wilcox

To the trijustice Emilurphwell and the soaring ever so highly highly highly bailiff Drake, I present the case of the Elephant in the Room. I was Dming for a group of friends and my brother, who was playing a Loxodon monk who specialized in passive perception. The party had just discovered an underground town that was home to a cult of Kobolds and the dragon that they worshipped. The party spotted some Kobolds standing guard and decided they were going to try to stealth past. While the Loxodon snuck past, I had him roll stealth and he rolled fairly high, but I had the Kobolds roll contested perception. After I mentioned that the Kobolds rolled higher, he argued that they should use their passive perception. I argued that since they were guards, on an active lookout for things, it no longer would count as passive perception since it’s their job to perceive their surroundings. This spiraled into a big argument and even though I tried to convince him otherwise, the Loxodon ended up switching his character around entirely because “passive perception was useless in this campaign”. This was his first session as this character. Was I being too harsh on the Elephant by making the guards roll perception or was he over reacting by switching his character? I humbly await your judgement.

DuckerQuackson

To the esteemed justices of the crit—and, begrudgingly, Jerky— I present the case of Dr. Danger and Mr. Sense I was playing in a one-shot set in the aftermath of a battle we lost in our main campaign, where a ragtag group of new characters was tasked with cleaning up the mess left by our regular heroes. Enter Edgar Mules, my level 3 artificer alchemist/level 2 barbarian tortle. Edgar’s shtick is his spell slots are made into elixirs, and his barbarian rage was reimagined as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-style transformation, turning him from a timid little nerd into a battle-thirsty confident jock. During an intense battle to decide the fate of an entire district in our campaign world, I had Edgar retreat into his shell using Shell Defense. This tortle ability boosted his AC at the cost of mobility and imposing disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws among other things. But as a barbarian, Edgar had Danger Sense, granting advantage on those same Dexterity saving throws against spells effects you can see. Things came to a head when the DMPC lobbed a Fireball into the fray, aiming to turn the tide of the battle—or, in Edgar’s case, roast a tortle as he was also caught in the fray. I was given disadvantage on the save and yet I can't help but wonder: should Edgar have had a fighting chance to dodge his doom with Danger Sense, or was his shell always fated to be his fiery coffin? I leave it to you, honorable justices—and Jerky—to decide if Edgars fate was a tort-ally fair call, or did my dm just crack under the heat.

Chief Parma John (Nate B.)

To the Honored Justices and the newly minted Dungeon Guy (who we are very proud of)   I bring to you the case of the hungry player   I have been playing D&D with a group of friends over Discord for several years now. One of our friends in particular has a habit of missing, or disappearing in the middle of our sessions to eat dinner. Once he DMed for our group, and halfway through the session said, "Roll initiative," muted himself, and never came back. Recently, said player failed to show up to a session and cited his absence because he was "eating ribs." When berated about his absence later, his only defense was, "I was eating MF ribs."   Judges, is this a valid excuse to miss a weekly session with the boys? Our typical session is 7-9pm and I feel like there's plenty of time to eat before that.   I humbly await your judgment.

Quack Dragon

To those other guys and to the wonder bailiff Emily, if it pleases the court I present the case of the Wild Magic Sorcerer vs. the DM. I was playing a Wild Magic Sorcerer another player was playing a Druid. The Druid cast Geas on a corrupted hag we were fighting, their DC was 16, the DM said that the hag rolled a 16. I said that I would use Bend Luck so it would fail, the DM then asked me to roll, I said that it didn't matter what I rolled because even a 1 would put it under the DC. The DM then said that it rolled a 16 on the die, it had additional modifiers on top of that. Confused I asked what the total roll was, the DM remained silent even after I asked again and explained how Bend Luck works. I went ahead and rolled but it wasn't enough and the spell failed. The creature then paralyzed me and 2 of my party members for several rounds. I posit that I should get to know the total roll beforehand, as if it was high enough I wouldn't have used Bend Luck to begin with. We won anyway but l am still a little miffed. So honored justices was I wronged or did my DM rightfully get one over on me?

Emma

Dear the upmost gracious bailiff emily and the judges i guess, I come to you with a half confession half case. I am playing an eldritch fantasy campaign at the moment, with the same group I’ve been playing with the past 2 years. I love playing with them and they’re all great friends. However, in the party of 4, 1 of them is new to dnd, and 2 players, including the new player, are very quiet when we’re out of combat, which is most of the campaign. ( We don’t do a lot of combat ). I try to take a load of my DM’s shoulders so she’s not just monologuing all the time, but this makes me feel like I’m taking over, and putting the spotlight on myself, even when I don’t mean to. Am I wrong for trying to help my DM by speaking up the most? How can I encourage my fellow players to role play more?

el_mathemagician

To the benevolent Justices and that guy who lives in the trash can, I think his name is Joscar, I present to you the case of the sleeping dwarf. I was in my very first campaign playing as a dwarven paladin. In one of our sessions, we were in a dungeon crawl and the warlock in our party had found a potion. She drank some and it had healed her. Our DM had told us there was enough for someone else to drink as well and since I needed some health, I took a drink. However, when I drank it, I ended up falling unconscious. My party tried to wake my character up using several checks, spells and potions but my DM said there was no way. The session ended with me being unconscious. At our next session, I was still out as my party continued to fight monsters, find treasure, and trek through the dungeon. I thought I might get a dream sequence or some sort of vision for the session, but no, I literally did not get to do a single thing the entire session! Not only that, this entire dungeon lasted another 2 sessions, which meant that I had 3 sessions where I did not get to do a single thing the entire time. I would argue with my DM that this mechanic doesn’t make sense and I would try and ask if there was anything I could do to come out of consciousness, but he always just said that was his ruling. I almost pulled a Murph and thought about just quitting and getting a new group, but my character was finally awake after we escaped the dungeon. Justices, was my DM wrong for putting my character to sleep for 3 sessions with nothing to do, or am I overreacting. I humbly await your judgment. PS: My DM is a good friend of mine and this seemed like an isolated incident as the rest of the campaign was really fun.

Krysha Syrin

Mighty & merciful justices of the court & wondrous wifeworm Baliff Emily, I bring a case of Christmas-based tomfoolery, oppa Naddpod style. Myself & other members of the Naddpod discord played in an online Christmas-themed one-shot during the pandemic. It was in the midst of Campaign One & my Elven Druid, inspired by Moonshine, & our party found ourselves fighting a Sentient Christmas Tree in Santa's workshop. I had cast Flaming Sphere (sorry Murph) & because trees are flammable, it was highly effective. Herein lies the case. On their next turn, the tree used Ice Knife on my Druid. However, at the end of my turn, I had moved the Flaming Sphere in front of me, hoping it would be a shield from any tree-based attacks. I posited to my DM that the Ice Knife spell wouldn't work bc the ice would melt as it passed through the flames but my DM said the tree had just been burnt by the orb & would know to cast the spell in a way that avoided the fiery orb and that the spell isn't actually Ice, just a spell flavored as Ice. Judges, did my Druid pull a Zirk before Zirk existed or did my DM just want his Sentient Tree to get a few swings in while our party continued to be attacked by living Gingerbread Men & Krampus, kidnapper of Santa Claus himself? I humbly await your judgment & also shoutout to DM Nemo & our amazing crew of Naddpoles who came together during a difficult season & brought the joy of D&D to one another with Christmas shenanigans.

Katie

To the venerated priests of Dice Christ, forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend’s PC’s birthday is coming up, so I worked with my DM to secretly buy her the Eyes of Minute Seeing as a birthday gift. In-game time went by slower than I thought it would, and I ended up with this gift sitting in my inventory on D&D Beyond for several sessions. Recently, I rolled an investigation check, and gave myself advantage as dictated by my sheet. I sometimes struggle with keeping track of all my abilities, so after rolling two 17s I decided to remind myself of where this advantage came from, and clicked the small green A next to the stat. To my horror, I realized I had accidentally equipped the Eyes of Minute Seeing and was benefitting from their advantage. I believe I’ve only used this unearned advantage once or twice before the double 17s, but the guilt still eats at me. My DM told me to do three Hail Marys and one push-up in repentance, but I’m agnostic and have poor upper body strength, so I humbly submit myself to the church for your (hopefully different) penance.

Kingofanchovies

To the best justice Caldwell and everyone else i present the case of the stoned tabaxiI was a young sorcerer and I missed part of a session and came in late and things were dire I was being caressed by a water monster who was currently digesting our tabaxi rogue who had failed one death save, I had my favorite spell left Thunderwave level 1 and I was thinking they take damage each round so they die on their next turn no matter what. so I used Thunderwave to push them out so they still had a chance to make three other saves or for druid to heal. Unfortunately they failed the death save and rolled on the fey wild deaty effect table(witch light campaign) and got turned to stone. After many emotional moments and the warlock sacrificing their sister to their patron we got our rogue back but till this day they all razz me and say It was my fault their first ever character died. Tell me justices was kicked wrong or was I the king of smarts the iq of genius the god of cleverness with my plan I await your judgment. Ps Jake my rocks are cooler then yours.

Josh Zellers

My dearest court and honey magpie support John. I bring you the case of the nat 20 that ended the blood war. My party was traveling into hell and the bard rolled a Nat 20 and she made the devils and demons have a “Christmas Day Ceasefire”. I protested but I am a people pleaser at heart

TheArcaneAttorney

To the ardent judges and wormiest wife-bailiff, I present the case of the cursed Crop-Guster. I play D&D remotely with a crew that meets in-person. The crew rocks. We recently finished a strahd campaign where I played our party’s healer: a reborn-skeleton celestial-warlock (note: this will be important later because warlocks are notorious spitheads). Throughout the campaign our DM would sometimes improv minor homebrew changes to increase immersion and instill a sense that the land of Barovia was having an ill-effect on our magic. None of these changes were mechanical in nature, just “flavor,” if you will. (Emily, please do the actual air quotes with your hands to both piss-off Murph with a visual bit as well as instill a sense of foreboding on the word “flavor.”) One of these “flavor” changes occurred when our sorcerer cast Gust to billow his cloak. The DM narrated that the cloak billowed, and there came with it a faint smell of sulphur. The sorcerer, naturally curious as to why this occurred, was met with the DM’s response: “perhaps this dark land is having an affect on your magic.” I, an IRL spithead with ADHD and no filter, loudly said: “Dude did you Gust?” (It fucking SOLD in the zoom). This moment resulted in several future “Did you gust?” moments in this campaign where the DM narrated the smell of sulphur following the sorcerer casting Gust. To the sorcerer’s credit, he never complained, and I only made the joke when prompted by the DM’s commentary. Fast forward to a recent session of our new campaign. Old DM is now a player, and in a moment when the new DM was describing a skill check to the former sorcerer as a gust of wind carrying the smell of something sulfurous near our camp, our old DM says “Dude, did you Gust?” (This one fucking KILLED in the room). As soon as he finished asking the dread question, (and after holding it in for 2 hours) our old DM ripped-ass in a small room with only himself, the former sorcerer, and the new DM. Our new DM tried to push his shirt up over his nose and soldier-on but that fight was unwinnable from the start as I’m 100% certain that room has zero outdoor ventilation. New DM was also getting over a sinus illness and I’m pretty sure was mostly breathing through his mouth. Judges, Wormily, I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Once I recovered I felt immediately guilty knowing full well 3 of my bros were suffering at least in part due to my catch phrase “Dude, did you Gust?” (One because tummy ache and two because, you know, ass). So judges, I ask you: Do I bear responsibility for planting this seed of humor in my old DM’s mind, or should he go directly to buttjail for the most heinous crop-gusting our table has ever seen? I await the ever-shifting winds of the high court with bated breath and pinched nostrils. P.s we’re all guys in our 30s/40s, at least three of us are dads, and yeah, it was a dad fart.

Connor Pryor

May it please the court, dice Christ themself, and our exquisite bailiff Emily. I present the case of the knowingly false Nat 20. I am a high school teacher running a campaign for 5 freshmen boys. During a fight against their first BBEG, one of my players went down and had one death save fail. The situation was incredibly dire for the BBEG. He was desperate and was holding the unconscious body of my player hostage. It was my players turn with the BBEG ready to kill the player on the next turn, however my player is pledged to the time god. I let my player roll a religion check to pray to the time god to deceive the BBEG into thinking he was already dead, so the BBEG would drop him. I watched my player roll a 2, but he immediately jumped up and screamed that he got a natural 20. Since everyone got so hyped, I decided to let it slide and everyone was able to defeat the BBEG and come out alive. Was it wrong for me to let that slide? Or will dice Christ punish my player for lying, or me for allowing the lie? I await yours and dice Christ’s judgement and I am at the mercy of the court.

Andrew Bono

Honorable Justice, Last week at my table one of my players was in combat after being spotted from stealth, shot 4 times, and then casted minor illusion over himself as a small creature in plain sight, and argued that the guards should think he disappeared and go away. I ruled he’d get disadvantage on the first attack against him bc the minor illusion would disperse, and said he should dodge instead. He was quite angry.

Steven W.

To the undefinable Supreme Crit Justices and resplendent bailiff Emily, I bring to you the case of the world's most hated NPC, aka Bart Simpson. I was DMing a campaign and the PCs were traveling to the Abyss to meet with a succubus warlord. During the meeting, I briefly introduced the warlord's bodyguards, which included a wispling (half gnome/half demon). I described him as “pacing back and forth behind the warlord, with his hands resting on hand axes” and “he has short and spiky hair. Kind of like Bart Simpson.” I got some light razzing for this description, but nothing else was said about him. The meeting with the warlord went well and the PCs were offered to stay the night as guests. That evening, the wispling bodyguard was sent to deliver a message to the PCs. As soon as their door was opened, and without saying a single word, the party fighter attacked the guard, followed immediately by the party sorcerer plane-shifting him to their patron's home plane, where the demon would be hunted for sport. Despite having never spoken a word to them, my PCs had unanimously decided to kill the bodyguard. After the session I asked how they came to their decision. One player said, “I knew he was going to die the moment you described him pacing with his hands on his axes.” Two others said it was when I compared him to Bart Simpson. Regardless, they all claim that their actions were justified. The bodyguard was supposed to back stab the party during a climactic fight, so it worked out that they just dealt with him before hand, but I ask you: Were my players wrong to kill my NPC before he technically did anything wrong, or are they just masters at sniffing out a traitorous Bart Simp-- I mean demon?

Zordonmlw7

Dear 2 out of 3 esteemed judges and the biggest hearted bailiff: I’m GMing a campaign in Fabula Ultima, a system which has points that the players can use to reroll important rolls or add details to the plot and the world. Normally you get these points when you crit fail a roll but you can also have your character intentionally fail to gain a point for free. The problem: the party had just saved the queen of a race that was at risk of extinction and had moved on to stop a group of nuns performing unethical human experiments. While infiltrating the evil laboratory, one of my players whose character was into botany and had recently invented their own strain of weed wanted to retroactively get high with the queen they saved. I told them they could in the future return to meet with the queen and do whatever they wanted then, but they insisted on getting high with her *before* the infiltration mission they were currently on. Hoping to appease them with an unattainable goal, I said if they spent 100 points (for context, a single character having 5 points is considered a lot), they could retcon the story to get high with the queen. Unfortunately, now they’re intentionally failing rolls left and right and refusing to spend their points on things that would actually help them or enhance the plot all so they can “save up.” They even spent a bunch of their recently acquired funds to pay for special equipment that gives them MORE points when they fail intentionally. Judges, I ask you: Was I wrong to give them an obviously fake goal that I may have to honor if they keep this up, or should they have laughed it off and played the game as intended? I eagerly await your judgment.

Danielle Carolla

Dear supreme crit justices and the amazing bailiff Emily, I present the case of a stolen action surge. I recently got to play my first game of DnD and I was so excited because I played as an eldritch knight. I was so excited to finally put to use all of the hours of listening to NADDPOD and watching D20. I got to take my turn in combat. I went after the Goblin Shaman. Hit him hard, did my best Jake Hurwitz “and I’ll action surge”. The DM let me roll my second attack, which hit, only for them to say no wait you are surprised by a totem shooting fire at you instead. So I lost my action surge. I was so upset, but being a newbie I didn’t want to complain. Was I wrong for thinking I would still get my action surge, or was I mistaken in the transition from listening to real life gaming. I humbly await your decision. Love always, Danielle

TheRaiOh

To the eloquent and wonderful Bailiff and the ever merciful judges I bring the case of the clairvoyant curse conundrum. In my first long running campaign I was playing a Bladesinger Wizard. Everything was going great until before the final dungeon I used detect magic and realized there was a scrying curse on my character from the BBEG. I decided to leave the party even past my DMs "*wink* that's bad" for the party's good and my character died. I was initially satisfied as it felt like a noble sacrifice. However, instead of a new character for the final dungeon, I was required to play the nearly featureless rogue follower we had which made the final session a snoozefest for me. On top of that, at the end when we recovered the artifact we were trying to keep from the BBEG, she somehow knew exactly where we were anyway. The DM narrated as the characters fled and she got what she wanted with no combat or rolls. Clearly this was to set up for a future campaign as he revealed later. I ask, was my group cheated with our choices not mattering? Should I have been allowed a fun character for the finale? Or was our DM right to continue the ending he had planned all along.

Xanian Jamfalcon

May it please the crit and the lyrical bailiff. This is an account not from my own experience but from my current DM of a past campaign, and a preemptively ghosted problem player! The player in question came over to the DMs home to discuss the upcoming campaign and make their character. They entered the apartment and saw the DM's girlfriend watching TV and muttered "Game of Thrones. Huh." Without even saying hello and proceeded to the bedroom where the DM was waiting at their computer to walk the player through the character creation process. The player ignored the DM and Macho Man Randy Savage style performed an elbow-drop onto the bed and started rolling around side-to-side for several minutes. When he finally calmed down the DM asked him about the character he wanted to play and then the player said "Oh yeah I know what I want to play! A Goblin bard!” And immediately started doing the loudest horrible falsetto Goblin voice for the rest of the character creation process, including when he started singing the songs he already came up with. His voice was loud enough to echo off the walls. The DM tolerated this player's antics stoically and after he left, never spoke to him about the game again. Should the DM have given this player the chance to sing his heart's desire or was he right to ghost him? PS: the player also insulted the girlfriend's fried chicken and asked if her female cousin was single. After he left, the girlfriend said he is never allowed in their house again.

Hardtooth unsureleg

Esteemed members of the high crit. And the lovely bailiff jade I have been a long time dm and recently started a new campaign, one of my good friends asked if he could bring his buddy, of course I say yes. We began the session fighting a demon that was ment to send the to hell for the main story. Upon arrival to bell the new guy started getting very upset. As it turns out this man is a devoted catholic and as we enter hell he started yelling at me for not warning him the hell would be involved. He then proceeded to grab his stuff and get in an Uber. I ask was I wrong to not take into account religion or was this wild? Thank you

Austin

To the Supreme Crit Judges and Wife Worm Baliff Emily! I present the case of the Uncontestable Check. Playing a game with a couple friends and a DM we had found online that we didn't know. Our party took a job from a shady fellow to get a valuable item from the back room of a casino. My Circle of stars druid eventually got to the back rooms alone and found the item we needed. But I was attacked by the same shady fellow we had taken the job from. I got hit with a bunch of damage from a throwing knife so I retreated with the item and Misty stepped under the door back to my friends. As the DM allowed me to do this he rolled a Sleight of Hand check at the same time and got a Nat 20, he exclaimed that I Misty Step and appear by my friends but the item I had was gone. I didn't know how he was able to take it in the first place being at a distance when he attacked, but I said since I had it directly in my hands that it should have been a contested roll. I would also have to roll a Nat 20 but the DM didn't let me try. Later on in the session, (because we roll digital dice on Roll20) I could see the Sleight of Hand modifier for the shady fellow was a +20. I was a level 6 character so I had no chance of beating it regardless. Was I roped into an unwinnable situation facing a +20 Sleight of Hand or was Dice Christ against me by giving the DM a Nat 20 anyways?

Kristina The Sorceress

To the esteemed justices and the effervescent Bailiff Emily: May it please the court, I present the case of “The Saddest Song.” I joined my friends' campaign group mid campaign, and within the confines of character dialogue, they caught me up to the speed of their quest and the BBEG. Not soon after, we encountered a bard accomplice of the BBEG. The rest of the party had encountered this enemy previously and, at the start of the battle, used actions to place magical miniature sandbags in their ears to help resist any charms or spells that utilized sound (an item APPROVED by the DM). I, as the player, had heard of this accomplice and their previous encounters, but it never came up in character! My DM chided me for "metagaming,” and so my character took no precautions, failed saving throws, and was left to hear "the saddest song you've ever heard." This homebrewed magical song effect altered my character's stats and disposition for the rest of the entire campaign (even after this npc accomplished perished at our hands). The only way the effect could be undone was through a Greater Restoration or Remove Curse. Judges, I ask you was it right to say that I was metagaming simply because I thought the accomplice would have come up in previous conversations, but technically didn't? I'm at your mercy. P.S. never came across a Greater Restoration or Remove Curse spell, or any NPCs who could cast said spells.

Declane Gilhooley

To the omniscient judges and Jake, I come bearing a confession. Up until recently I had been dming a 2 and 1/2 year long campaign. Everything was going well. At least I thought. Turns out that I took way too long with the campaign, although we'd only meet once a month and even that was a bit dodgy. One of my players also co-worker came to the group and said he is done player burnout. I really loved this campaign and looked forward to it. We were doing icewindale and we were at the final chapter. I have not taken this well. I've been quietly dealing with this, and I am not sure if I can continue playing D&D. Judges, I ask you, should I bear this upon myself or should I move on, shake It off and learn from these lessons?

WesKane

Dear magnificent yet malevolent judges and jersk . A game of dnd i played a warlock disguised as a bard. We had a new player at the table who was playing a rogue who didnt really wanna be a part of the party. We were in a tavern and he was sitting away from the party. I might be the asshole here by acting slightly meta. He started harrassing a waitress and flipped a coin into her boobs. I asked my dm if i could roll to sense for sexism happening in the tavern. My dm allowed and the only thing i did was clock the interaction and then approach the waitress and apologize for the pigish behavior. The rogue got super mad and refused to do rogue stuff for the rest of the dungeon. I know i acted in meta but i couldnt keep my mouth shut. Humble judges i am at your mercy. Ps apologies to the great bailiff Emily may she read with wisdom

Fia

May it please the Court and the furtive whelp Jonk, I present to you the Case of the Puckle Gun Fuck-Up: A few years ago, a friend ran a home-brew campaign set in gold rush era Australia. There were wagon chases, steampunk bushrangers, and a mysterious cabal of colonial sorcerers pulling the strings behind the scenes. Unfortunately, we players were naughty piggies and the DM constantly let us get away with antisocial mischief like pushing villains down mineshafts or stealing trains from country towns. Finally, the DM put a handbrake on - or so he thought. The party had stolen a hand-cranked machine gun called a puckle gun, and was excited to use this gun against the BBEG's goons. But when we arrived in a town we knew was infested with bad guys, the DM narrated that the locals were having a festival complete with banners and joyful children, oppa jamboree style. Four of the PCs realised we couldn't have our coveted explosive entrance, because we'd hurt the innocents. But the final player was furious that the DM had prevented us from using our superweapon. This player got cranking and opened fire on the festival, killing both countless innocents... and the campaign itself which was never reconvened again. Justices: was the DM blueballing the party out using our shiny overpowered toy? Or did the fifth player blueball us out of a whole campaign when they mowed down the innocents of 19th century Bendigo?

The 2 Crew blew through

To the esteemed judges and bailiff, I bring the case of the polyamourous problem. I have a girlfriend who has a husband - we've been together three years, they've been married for 10. He and I have bonded over D&D and eventually did some one shots at our LGS. My GF wanted to come and watch, because - through me - she's been getting more into the idea. But for the years before I arrived, she laughed and called it nerdy, never showing interest. So he has forbidden her to come/show interest, because "if she didn't like it then she can't like it because your BF does". Your honours, who is in the right here? Should my GF be free to delve deeper now that two of her men are both interested, or should she refrain out of respect for her husband? P.s. we laugh about this and it's not going to destroy the relationship... I hope! But we do look forward to your relationship guidance 💕

margot d

greeting crit & the effervescent bailiff Emily! my submission regards lore and homebrew worlds. My dm is crafting a beautiful homebrew world for me and two others, one good friend we’ve both known for years and one brand new player the DM met online. I love the lore, it’s a traditional fantasy world and I will be playing a Dwarf warlock with a draconic familial curse. One element of the lore though is that my DM introduced 3 cool legendary heroes along the lines of Alanis, Thiala & Ulfgar. The thing is, these heroes bear striking resemblance to myself, our good friend and our DM. They took a ton of time to lovingly craft cool as hell versions of us that would fit into the fantasy setting and I love all the effort they’re putting in. However, our newest player didn’t get a badass legendary hero to fill the setting and it feels a little like favoritism. Am I wrong for feeling off balance that our newest party member didn’t get a cool legendary hero? How should I bring up that this feels unfair to the DM?

CamSmall

Greetings Judges and Bailiff, I humbly present the Case of the Unlucky TRex. In a game of Curse of Strahd that I DMed, my players were in THE Battle with Strahd at the end of the game. The druid of my party polymorphed themselves into a TRex after being knocked out of their last wildshape. The next round, they tried to attack Strahd's coffin, which we had established as having a higher than typical AC for coffins because it was Strahd's coffin. They missed their attacks. The player then asked if they could use a Luck point to reroll. I originally said no because TRexes don't have luck points. After some debating back and forth between the other players and myself, we left it to Dice Christ to see if they could. Dice Christ decided no, and combat continued. My players made it out alive, but are still bitter with me for not allowing it. I feel allowing Dice Christ to decide was more than generous. My question is this: would a character who is polymorphed have access to Luck points (or other feats) in the polymorphed form? I await your judgment, and may Dice Christ save me if I have wronged my players.

The Goodest Boy

To the mighty justices of the crit, towering on lofty perches far far far far above anyone else who may be there, I am in quite a “Binky” Fiasco. I DM for friends and my wonderful girlfriend. We tend to run high stakes campaigns and PC death is not unheard of. My wonderful girlfriend has informed me that if her current character is to die, she has already thought of a replacement: Gobby, a goblin monk from “a secret moon.” From what she has explained, this lil guy will be a nightmare of nut punches and silly phrases. Suffice it to say I am now terrified to potentially kill her current character off. I ask you so humbly, from so far far far below (but still above Jake) if I should be pulling punches for the sake of my sanity, or do I murder my wonderful girlfriend’s character and stare her down telling her to do her worst. We both await your judgement

KOJXVMason

Hello godly judges and the wormly bailiff I bring the case of the 93 year old pirate!! I hosted an avatar the last air bender campaign for my wife ,her father ,her stepmom and her 93 year old grandfather who joined last minute I made him a pirate character with an artificer sidekick to help him out if he needed it off the cuff they had fun having a tea contest and then fighting off bandits that stole their familiars after getting off the airship I start to wrap up as her grandfather stops me mid sentence and goes I would like to raid the air temple monastery to which the dad asks “can he do that” and I reply with my jaw on the table “oh fuck yeah he can reroll initiative” which turned into a pvp scenario leading to the demise of the great Captain Alabaster who will forever remain one of the best player moments of my life so should I have let him destroy the monastery or should I have just ended the game before the pirate hijacked the campaign await your sentencing PS no regrets everyone but my wife was a first time player and they all had a blast and my 93 year old grandfather in law said it reminded him of his radio shows back in the day and would love to play again which left my dnd heart nice and full love the show you guys!!!!

ant the knee

to the judges that smell oh so good, and the baliff who also smells, i present the case of "an arm for a head." i was dming a group of first time players a few years back, and at the very end of the first session the BBEG says he will release the friendly mayor npc they met earlier if one of the people in the party dares to challenge him ONE ON ONE. This was fundamentally unwinnable, and ideally when 2 sessions later they work together to wimp his ass out of revenge, this would fuel that fight. I expected, as did the rest of the party, to let the hearty dwarf fighter take a few hits. That's when our human wizard, who was at 1hp, steps up. The rest of the party disagrees but the wizard refuses to listen, so I have them all roll initiative. Long story short, the wizard acted first, and the BBEG Crit on the wizard AND happened to roll max damage. This was below twice the wizards HP, thus instadeath rules, but seeing how attached this player was (and not wanting to punish bravery) i narrated the BBEG chopping off the wizards hand, and ended the session. The wizard LOVED this idea in the moment, and got excited at the prospect of the one handed wizard. Later, I get a text from the player asking if their character should have died in that fight. I explained lingering injury rules, but they got mad that I chickened out of killing their character who made a brash decision. He then informed me that he no longer wished the be a part of a party led by "a coward." I have not talked to him since, and do understand his point, so justices am I in the wrong for choosing to go easy? I will again remind you, this was his first ever time playing d&d.

Ana

To the high priests of Dice Christ, including the deacon Jake, who is secretly my favorite. I am the DM whom you ruled a Mastermind and Artist here to submit a confession. I violated the prime directive of DND and stole someone’s girlfriend. 
 My initial intention was not girlfriend theft; we were friends first. I invited her boyfriend to play, and he refused, saying it was cringe (his first mistake). The table got really close; we were rushing to finish before we graduated college and were playing twice a week for six months. To be honest, I thought she was really cute, but I didn’t want to start any drama. But her boyfriend’s jealousy grew (his second mistake). He started resenting every member of the party, me especially, and even one of the other party members, who was their roommate. I contend that it’s not my fault that my campaign (masterful and artistic) was better than anything that he had to offer. Her PC also fell in love with a very compelling and devious antagonist. I had only a little bit of nefarious intent, I gave most of the party love interests as well. The player and her boyfriend broke up, we have now been dating for months, the party is very happy, and we all met up recently for a reunion. I am not sorry because I got everything I wanted, including an apology and two stuffed turtles as per your previous ruling. I submit to your commentary but not your judgement.

vinnie

To the lowly justices and most wonderful Bailif, I present the case of the immortal warhorse I play in a 5e campaign as a drakewarden ranger, which get a little drake companion to aid them in battle. RAW, they can be resummoned after they die like familiars. In a recent session, I told my party that he'd probably go down soon, and that I wouldn't have him until our next long rest. Our DM then told me that he'd stay dead, and that if I ever summoned a new drake it'd be a different one. He argued that he told us we'd be playing a very lethal campaign so I should have known. I agreed to my character maybe dying yeah, but I assumed that without specifying otherwise my subclass features would stay the same. I am not entirely against little buddy perma death, but this was sprung onto me mid combat, and if I had known that I would have probably chosen a different subclass. Now, I can deal with this — the real problem lies elsewhere. After defeating enemies on horseback, the newest player at our table tamed a warhorse. It is made to be kind of a joke npc and we all like it, but this other player uses it as a mount in combat, and it cannot die. It has been repeatedly stated to have plot armor. Warhorse stats are worse than my Drake so it doesn't /do/ much other than provide extra movement at the level we're at, but it still feels bad? I'm all for plot armored animal companions, and I understand that the horse is there to make the newer player happy. But is this not still unfair? I would appreciate the input of the supreme crit justices

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Emilt. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the details to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

NG

Greetings illustrious Judges and...if I'm reading your nametag correctly, Iago? I come to you with a case of the most epic birdshit. I play in a group that has been going since the start of campaign one, created then of first time D&D players inspired by NADDPOD to try it ourselves. In our second campaign, I played an Aaracokra based on my own pet bird, running off of how a bird would act for many of my decisions. Also, I was a monk and did not wear pants. In the game, we joined a secret society, and took on the knowledge of the organization with a curse. If we ever tried to talk about what we knew, we would violently shit ourselves. Cut to later in the campaign, the party needs to sneak our way in to a castle. I get the bright idea, because I do not wear pants and have a lot of movement, to be a distraction allowing the others to get past the guards. The plan is to fly into the sky and then attempt to talk about the organization, causing my character to violently shit themselves which would gain the attention of the guards, thinking I was just a bird person in need who was flying by. Well, the plan worked. My DM didn't even make me roll, he liked the creativity and unintended use of what was supposed to be a deterrent. We all got in, and the campaign continued to go amazingly from there. So what's the issue of this case? Judges, I beg you - please punish me. I harbor ill will toward my DMs in this group for all being so amazing and collaborative with my bullshit ideas that it never gives me anything I can send in to D&D court. Please punish me so my DM can know how awesome they are. I await whatever punishment I receive.

mushroom with glasses

If it pleases Justice and Exalted Bailiff Emily Axford and miss Emily Axford ONLY, I present to you the case of: am I annoying? I’ve been playing in a campaign with friends for about 3 years now. I love the story and all the characters, including my own, a kind hearted cleric tiefling. When I made him, I wanted him to be a true support character: I have spent many combats doing nothing but healing NPCs and PCs to make sure everyone survives and despite the fact I am not the only cleric, I don’t mind taking on this role. My tiefling is quite anti needless violence and a goody two shoes. My party? …Not so much. I find myself often saying “wait what?” at their decisions to brutally murder NPCs with links to other people’s backstories and also to their decisions to murder clearly redeemable orc teens who were simply following orders. They continuously refer to themselves as heroes regardless. A lot of times, I find myself trying to convince them to do otherwise and end up simply watching in horror as nothing I’ve done helped the situation. This has led to my party deeming my character to be “the most annoying they’ve ever seen” because “if anyone threatens their characters, they must die.” Judges, should I have taken the hint earlier and redirect my character choices? I admittedly don’t want to be a ruthless killer, but did I really mess with everyone’s vibe with my choices? I humbly await your judgement.

Help_I_Can’t_Sleep

To the court and the absolutely incredible bailiff, I present to you the case of OH MY GOD I CANT KEEP RUNNING I have been playing in a play-by-post horror themed dnd game. So far, we have been in one trap room after another, we have taken no long rests, we don’t know how we got to where we are, my Druid is long sense out of spells, and we are still level one! but the most recent (and ongoing) encounter has been the worst. Our DM placed us in a long, collapsing hallway that we had to run through. It was a dashing encounter, which isn’t bad, except it has taken almost two full months at this point! Two months of running being our only options. The game moves slower in general, since it is 100% over text, but two months seems excessive and it is generally the DM who we are waiting on to give descriptions or make rolls, etc. A pure running encounter is not a bad encounter and can be very fun, but two months of running? Dashing wouldn’t be so bad if we could move our full 60ish ft every time, but there is falling debris and crumbling floors slowing our movement. I am at 15 ft. When I dash!! To the court, I ask you this. Is it okay for me to bring this issue to my DM, knowing that the entire party is feeling tired of this one encounter. Keep in mind, this is her first play-by-post game, and I know she is trying her best. (I am also incredibly non confrontational) I beg the court’s swift decision making, my poor level one Druid (the only healer who has no spells) simply cannot keep running. Wren The exhausted Druid (PS. I submitted this case last time, which shows proof of the length of my struggle) (PPS, if you do decide to honor me and take my case, please read it as a bonus case for Patreon as my DM listens to the podcast but does not subscribe to the Patreon) UPDATE we have escaped the room, but everything is super tense because all the players are frustrated with the encounter. After the encounter only two people make an attempt to role play so the DM moved things forward into the next encounter prompting frustration from the rest of the players that there’s “too much combat/initiative and we can’t role play”. I don’t know what to do!

Andrew Lazarus

To the unfathomable weight of justice, and the disjunct reality of the baliff, I bring to you the case of the horny goblin. A player at my table (playing a goblin) has made a habit of trying to sell his ejaculate to my NPCs. The other players find this hilarious, and one even goes as far as to say the "green goo helps him sleep." Judges, I beg of you. End my suffering. Cast your righteous judgement upon my filthy friends.

Steve Graham

To the esteemed justices and Bailiff Maxford, I present the case of the recycled character; When I first started playing DnD, I showed up to my first session unaware of how to make a character, so the DM at the time walked me through all of the steps. He taught me how the skills worked, how to pick out spells, classes, starting inventory - and then told me his preferred method of choosing stats. He preferred to roll for stats, rolling 4 d6 and dropping the lowest for each ability. He watched as I seemed to get total beginner's luck, but was fine with me keeping my 18, 18, 17, 17, 16, and 14. I proceeded to finish my first-ever character, and assumed this was just how things worked. For all the usual scheduling reasons, this group never played another game, so my character sheet went unused and set aside. That is, until I found another group from my local gaming shop. They had already been playing, and said I could join, just make a level 5 character and they would drop me into where they were in the campaign. And what did I have, but a shiny, pre-owned but never used character sheet! I took my overpowered character and we played for a full month of weekly games before the DM asked to see my sheet, and balked at basically everything. When I explained what happened, he said I can't reuse a character and had to make a fresh one, but I had already gotten invested in this story with this character. As a compromise I asked to adjust stats, but he said it didn't work like that, and I'd have to start new. Justices, was I wronged for having my admittedly OP character yanked from the story and world? Should I have been able to edit the stats at that time? And is it really such a taboo to reuse a character sheet from another campaign if you never got a chance to play them? I don't feel great about my character, but I leave the moral judgment to you.

Binky Fiasco #1 Fan

To the exalted judges, and their loyal and widely respected bailiff — I have been a member of a dnd group for over four years, spanning multiple campaigns with rotating DM's and various players cycling in and out of the table, outside of a core group of 4. Our most recent DM has been running a campaign for over two years, building on extensive lore and the world we created, with the games being hosted at his apartment. However, our DM began dating a player at our table several months ago, which was a shock to the rest of us, as we would have not suspected they would be a good couple. Over time, the DM worked with their girlfriend to revamp their character's backstory, making them the central focus of the story. As time went on, we noticed tension growing between them, with the girlfriend intentionally pushing the DM's buttons, and the DM getting visibly aggravated with their girlfriends in-game shenanigans, which included asking if their stinky farts delt poison damage to enemies. A few days after a particularly tense session which ended on a cliffhanger, with us at the precipice of finishing a long quest and about to face off against an ancient dragon, we received word that the DM and the player had broken up with a lot of drama. This schism marked the end of our dnd group, as the DM needed time away and their now ex girlfriend was the driving character of the story. Judges, am I wrong to think that the DM should have waited to break up with his girlfriend until after finishing the campaign, or at least until after resolving the cliffhanger he left us on? I humbly await your judgement.

Jacob Cypret

To the Most Esteemed Judges of Dungeon Court, I, humble servant of the realm and faithful Patron of Not Another D&D Podcast, do submit before thee a grievance of great sorrow and injustice, that hath plagued mine adventuring heart. Case Title: Algea v. The Dungeon Master (Re: Sudden Death by Lycanthropic Structural Collapse) The Facts: Over the course of more than 150 hours of sacred questing, mine companions and I, a collegiate band of ball-striking warriors turned adventurers, hath wandered the lands under the guidance of our Dungeon Master—hereinafter referred to as “The DM.” I, portraying Algea, a noble Owlin Rogue with feathers swift and daggers swifter, did pour mine soul into this character across countless moons. During a fateful night within the city of I forgot, one of our party—who had recently been afflicted by the cursed kiss of lycanthropy—was restrained, as was prudent and proper. As the moon rose and tensions did mount, mine character bore witness to his cursed tremors and feral growls. Then, without warning, and without roll, resistance, or chance of action, the DM declared that said companion did burst free, rend the very wall asunder, and caused its collapse upon me. The screen faded to black. My character was no more. There were no death saves. No combat. No contested rolls. Nay even a whisper of warning. Only death. Sudden. Unjust. And declared in narration. The Accusation: The Dungeon Master, though heretofore just and benevolent, did violate the sacred tenets of Player Agency and Narrative Equity, depriving me, the Plaintiff, of a fair and honorable chance to defend mine character—an entity I have cherished and nurtured over a year’s time. Furthermore, the DM did observe my visible despair and yet proclaimed the act "realistic," and that mine character was being used as a “punching bag” for the sake of drama or mirth. The Plea: I beseech this Court to weigh the scales of justice and determine if such an execution, wrought with neither dice nor defense, constitutes Dungeon Master Malfeasance. Though the DM is not without merit in past rulings, this turn of events did betray the trust of the table and sunder the bond between player and world. In closing, I pray thee: Let it be known throughout the realm that though realism hath its place, the dice must be given their due. A rogue deserves their reaction. A wall, its roll. And a player, the dignity of a death earned—not narrated. Yours in grievance, Algea the Owlin, Feathered Rogue of the Fallen Wall

morwinire

Hello justices and bailiff! In an old campaign, my husband played a character who never knew his father, but had a wonderful step father. His real father was not important to him. One session, in a tavern, the DM narrated that there was a drunk at the bar who looked like the “spitting image” of my husband’s character. My husband chose not to engage with the man, instead continuing out of the tavern. The DM, flummoxed, had the man follow us out and speak to us, but still my husbands character didn’t engage. He said that his father’s identity wasn’t important to him. Our DM was pissed, since he had intended on this being a plot hook. Who was wrong here? We await your judgement…

The Rat Man

To the Incredible Bailiff Jake and those other three guys who's names evade me. I present the case of the impossible Charisma checks. I play a sorcerer in our Underdark Adventure campaign and our DM sometimes forces my persuasion and deception checks to be made with a -10 or -5 penalty situationaly instead of disadvantage, I personally found this upsetting because it would often fully negate or make my bonuses negative to the point where the DC of the check was impossible to reach. tell me justices(who's names still evade me). Am I in the right to disagree with this or should I bend the knee to the machinations of my Dungeon Master?

Bugbear OrMiss

To the assorted justices, the bailiff we deserve, and Murph (who I swear revenge against for his transgression against me) I present the case of the Eternal Surprise Rounds: Ive since left a campaign where for the first half of it, the DM used a new house rule in the 3rd session that gave all enemies an extra turn before initiative was rolled. When I pointed out that that was just a surprise round, the DM grew despondent, but never replied. For the next dozen sessions, all enemies would use their surprise round, suspiciously, to down my pc. This might sound like a clear case, but judges, I am afraid to admit that I was playing a pretty powerful Bugbear Gloomstalker build that was almost oneshotting the encounters in the first few sessions, and the DM eventually dropped the rule. The real subject of this case: Was I justified in being kinda annoying when I kept pointing out (in and out of character) how enemies are always surprising us despite our consistent 33+ stealth rolls?

The Crit Crew

To the Honored Justices Tanner and Jake, as well as the hilarious Bailiff Axford (oh and Justice Murph as well I guess), I present the Case of the Akatsuki. Years ago my forever DM was hosting a campaign for all of his roommates and after a couple of session asked me to join to be a veteran player presence for them. I accepted under one condition, I’d like to play a College of Whispers Bard who was evil. My Dm agreed as long as I still helped the other players learn to play the game. After the first session, which had us meet a carnival in town and start to hunt down a carnie murderer, the other players all loved my character and said they’d happily follow my lead. During the following session, after we found and stopped the killer, I decided the most fun way to celebrate would NOT be to follow my DM’s planned course, but instead let the other players know that my character had plans to topple the nearby Kingdom and that this would be where we part. They asked if they could join me, to which I responded, “Only if you wear these cloaks I bought and we call ourselves the Akatsuki.” They agreed and my DM stopped the session there. My DM then sidebarred with me and begged me to play a new character so that he didn’t have to “DM a terrorist like campaign.” I agreed and we ended up having my bard be the one of the big villains of the campaign. But I ask was I wrong to take advantage of the new players and sidetrack the campaign? Or was I justified in using my skills to have fun in a different way? I humbly await your verdict, unless it’s a Murph verdict in which case I will elevate to a higher court.

Rebecca N

Dice Christ's Chosen, I seek forgiveness on the behalf of my DM. Our group has been playing through a Pathfinder module to learn the system, and we ran into an encounter with a demon guard, who reluctantly tried to capture us. We closed the door on him and tried to run away, which lead to a combat encounter. On one of his attacks, he crit on my Tripkee (Frog folk) Fighter, and immediately brought her from full health to Dying 2. Here the DM began to sweat, and he said the demon picked up my PC, and dragged her away a bit before dropping her and walking back to his "office", muttering about needing to do paperwork first that would probably take him long enough to complete that someone could help me (Note: this was basically all said in character, the demon was never keen on arresting us and has since requested our help to relieve him of his contract). Here's where the transgression lies: The DM ended initiative after I was dropped, and while other PCs made some attempts to end the conditions on my character that would knock her back down if she was healed, they ultimately failed. I attempted to roll to recover from these conditions, and rolled a 1. Suddenly, the DM decided to have us reroll initiative (a pro-Murph move), but he ended up ignoring my failed rolls. My character survived, but she should be dead. The DM very specifically said he didn't want to kill my character, but I feel awful because other PCs have died in this module. While I appreciate the DMs mercy, I know he has sinned to spare me. Please forgive us for these transgressions

El Jefe

I present to you The Case of the First Class Grinching Good morrow to the justices of the high crit and the bodacious babe-y bailiff. I beseech thee to help me answer: was I wrong for trying to TPK my friends? I am a newer DM (I started listening to NADDpod and D20 at the start of the pandemic and decided after years of listening to take a shot at DMing) and run a game with friends who are newer players as well. I designed a holiday arc, with some inspiration from NADDPod. In this holiday arc, the gang gets transported to the holiday plane where they encounter Whos, a series of ski comedy challenges at The Lodge at Mt Crumpit (along the lines of the king of the mountain beer race from Out Cold and drinking games from Beef Fest), and other Festive-mas encounters. As the overall winners after all of the events, the gang all got custom-designed magic items, but they had developed an animosity towards the sponsor of the games, The Grinch, by this point. I designed the Grinch to be OP for their level 5 characters by giving him a bunch of extra HP; legendary actions like a poisonous cloud breath weapon, sonic shout (the echo in his cave), and calling out to command Max to attack (who was statted out as a chimera). The goal being that if the party messed with the Grinch, it would result in a Total Party Knockout and the Grinch would steal their gold and their brand new magic items. Well, the gang challenges the Grinch, and the battle went about as I expected. The Grinch began womping my players, who were shocked to experience legendary actions and breath weapons for the first time. I had them all in dire straights with low HP, only to have the monk roll a crucial Nat 20 to pop up from death saves and then give a healing potion to the bard who had two death save fails. This shifted the momentum and the party pulled out a victory after a hard-fought battle. Everyone said it was a great session, and the party now ribs me by referring to this encounter as the time their “nice DM tried to kill everyone.” They also now playfully refer to themselves as invincible. Was I wrong to go full Lady Macbeth (it’s my job to provide the world and their job to find a way to survive in it) and design an encounter to try to TPK the party and steal their stuff? Was the monk’s perfectly timed Nat 20 death saving throw Dice Christ’s intervention to tell me I have done wrong? Or should I keep sprinkling in OP encounters in the hopes that they eventually figure out there are some things you just shouldn’t fuck with? I lay myself before you for your righteous ruling.

naur_body

HEAR YEE, HEAR YEE, Cheeky sneaky, peaky justices, and the creaky, leaky, and freaky bailiff Axford, I bring you the case of the EARNED ARCANE BEAR. I am a part of a party that’s been going for about a year. We recently won a big battle, and went into the main city to celebrate. When we got to the bar, my character rolled a perception check to see an orc from a gang we needed to talk to. my character snuck away and nat 5 ed a stealth check against him. I was able to get away, and lose him in the crowd. later, we went to the bar and one of our members entered a fighting ring as an arcane fueled bear, AKA, ARCANE BEAR. However, the fight was cut short by the orc gang coming after the party. I humbly query the scrumptious justices, was the fight being broken up justified by the nat 5 sneak ? or did we EARN ARCANE BEAR with our sweet earlier wins?

Tess Bre

Hello, may it please the judges and especially Beautiful Bailiff Emily. I have been thinking about this case for years. I played online with a group in 2017, we'd been playing for two months when this happened. Our party happened upon a town whose children had been kidnapped by a band of Gnolls, and begged us to rescue them. When we got to the Gnoll cave; our paladin stepped forward and cast Charm Person on the Gnoll guarding the cave and succeeded. For the rest of the session the Paladin INSISTED that the gnoll was now their 'pet' and named him Timmy. Assuring us that he was now following our party around permanently! I was baffled, and disagreed. Saying that Gnolls, while monsters, were still humanoid and could talk and think. 'Timmy' probably already had his own name, and would also snap out of charm and attack us. The Paladin was convinced Timmy the Gnoll would never hurt us. The DM allowed the paladin to keep Timmy, who proceeded to become a familiar for the paladin for the next 10+ sessions. The Paladin also proceeded to obtain three more familiars in a similar way throughout our two years of playing. A Direwolf, a Pixie, and a Pseudodragon. All okayed by the DM. I'm still salty about this, judges. Can Gnolls even be familiars? I welcome any arbitration you can provide. P.S: The Paladin was the DMs girlfriend.

Zoologist440

To the grandiloquent justices, and the churlish, rapscallion Amy. I bring you the case of the Wicked Winter One-shot. After my first DnD group finished Curse of Strahd, my brother, who had DMed for us, was excited to be a PC in our next venture. A couple of us were interested in trying out DMing. Clearly excited by the levels we never reached in Strahd, the next volunteer DM told us to roll level 15 characters for a high level one shot, which made us all even more excited. Fast forward to the one shot. Our party met at an inn on the southern border of a snowy mountain range, and it became clear immediately that our mission would take us into the snow. There had been no mention before the game that we would be dealing with extreme cold, so all the characters had no cold weather gear for protection. With some survival checks, most of the characters tried to fashion cloaks out of blankets from the inn. We set off into the frigid cold and our DM immediately had everyone take 1 level of exhaustion as "the thin blankets wouldn't be enough to keep you warm". My druid used their Alter Shape ability to grow fur and keep the smaller PC's warm, but the others were out of luck. Later, while flying up the mountain on a young white dragon we charmed, the DM says we see an avalanche coming. When we tell him that we will just fly over it, he says "How high?" "Enough to be over it?" "No, how high exactly?" "I don't know like 300 ft?" He then took out a d6 and rolled a 6. "The avalanche is 600ft high and knocks you off the dragon." We all expressed our dissatisfaction and complained that an avalanche could never be 600ft above the ground. The session ended there for the night, and we never finished that One Shot, though we all remain friends and occasionally play DnD to this day. My question is, should we have been given at least some warning of the dangerous weather? Should we have been able to fly over any avalanche, height randomly generated or otherwise? Or is all fair in high level play and we unfairly criticized our DM? I humbly await your judgement.

Sephiroth Did Nothing Wrong

Wonderful Emily, those other guys, I write to you about the case of the Stolen Final Breath. A couple weeks ago, the party I DM for was stuck in a ravine with an Earth Cult at their heels. The party's fighter, Bonk, put himself in front and went down within a round. Bonk's player had been toying with a new character, so we talked after session and he decided to give Bonk his Swan Song. My Swan Song mechanic gives the character an immediate turn when they would die, all attacks at advantage, auto-crit if you hit, with guaranteed death at the end of the turn. He dealt massive damage, tipped the combat in the party's favor, and gave his last speech and final breath. Just as he finished, the Blood Hunter piped up, asking if he could use his Blood Curse of the Fallen Puppet to make Bonk do an extra attack. I allowed it, but we teased the Blood Hunter for it. Jake, should I have allowed that? Bonk had already given his heartfelt speech and acted out his final breath, but the damage was needed to save the whole party. I carnally await your ruling. The other Justices can chime in if they want. 🤷

Sean McKelvey

To the Honorable Bailiff, Justices, and Vice Justice Hurwitz, I present to you the "Case of the Understated Crit." I have been DMing a homebrew campaign for almost two years and my players recently completed an arc where they faced opponents in The Grand Tournament. In the Finals, the two finalists were not to battle each other, but needed to score a killing blow against a monster capable of fending off the PCs and NPCs. On one of the monster's legendary actions, I rolled an attack on the Ranger/Druid behind the virtual screen. A crit. I said aloud "That hits." and then proceeded to roll damage. Upon hearing the much higher total, the Bard said "What the fuck?" to which I said "It was a crit." to which the Bard said "Silvery Barbs!" which I initially denied. The Players then proceeded to lobby, dare I say bully, me that the spell should be allowed as I did not announce that the hit was a crit. I ultimately caved and allowed SB and re-rolled the attack - a miss! Arbiters of the Court, I beseech your guidance - was it wrong to not announce the crit as such? Was it duplicitous to simply declare a successful hit? Was it egregious to cave and allow the spell to take effect?

Magus Kunari, only knows fireball and jaegerbomb

To the acolytes of Dice Christ's holy mission as judges and that one guy who doesn't have high enough stats for magic (honk jonk i think his name was?) I present to thee the case of "The Dying Hope." I, the DM, run a game in Thursday nights with a group of friends at our local game store. We started mid Summer of last year and everyone, including myself, seemed excited to play a truly original experience as we had only done an official campaign before. Fast forward to the last few sessions, and I've begun to take notice that many of my players aren't paying attention. The only one who is actively trying to work the story, my cousin playing a goblin rouge with a briefcase of infinite suits named Gobby, has also taken notice aswell. Judges and I guess the guy who's scared of cake, I fear that the world and story I've been crafting to give my players to best role-playing experience is being ignored as they all seem to get distracted by the littlest things. I have consodconsidered hosting it at my home, but I would like the wisdom of the wise and loving court and church of Dice Christ. My biggest concern is for my cousin and fiancé, as my cousin has said "I'm the best dm he's had, and he likes how I incorporate gimmicks during the fights like the beloved justice Murphy." I await your guidance and answer, and how punishment should go for my neglectful and short-attention holding players or myself for even doubting. P.S. I fell in love with the podcast and am now happy to announce that I will join the council of benevolent elders for as long as I can. Thank you a crit ton

noah for now

to the glorious bailiff emily and the nondescript justices, i bring you the case of the sexy villain npc. months ago, my lovely dm introduced a mysterious ringing phone in a lab experimenting to create the perfect monster. my anxious college student fighter pc abel and my friend’s pc caleb decided to answer the call. the person on the phone was clearly calling someone else, but she was fascinating, knew a lot about the lab and our mission there, and, above all, had a voice that was very hot to me specifically. we learned her name: ahket. she calmly guided us past a rogue experiment patrolling the lab in exchange for us asking the scientist in charge of these experiments about an order she had paid a lot of money for. justices, we called ahket on the phone several times after that and everyone at the table made fun of me for how flustered i got. on one such occasion, she asked my character to collect footage of human life for some sort of experiment she was doing, and i, being led by my heart and not my brain, almost signed on to her fishy agreement. luckily my fellow pcs were able to talk me out of it but my question is this: how do i stop myself from being seduced into doing evil things by the sexy lady voice my dm (6’3” 19 year old boy btw) does? i hope to hear your advice. - nat

sdShine16

Forgive me dice christ, for i have sinned against my own brother. I have been my groups forever DM since we started playing years ago in high school. Recently, one of my players has shown a peaking interest in the world behind the DM screen, and I could not be happier. In between sessions, we had a chat about a homebrew mechanic he came up with for the party escaping a town on horseback. I loved his gumption regarding his homebrew, and, on paper, it looked like fun. When we incorporated it next session, it was a little clunky and slow. I saw my players losing interest and i made a DM decision to scrap the homebrew mid escape and finish with what i had originally planned. The session carried on great but i could tell my DM hopeful was distraught. I feel have sinned against my brother in dice christ, and pushed him away from the joy of sitting behind the screen. I prostrate myself before the high priests, and prepare myself for whatever punishment is in store. PS RIP to the herculean hurwitz. not dead, but would’ve loved hanging out with the homies

Austin Gordon

May it please the all-knowing court and the guy who won’t stop Jaking it. I present to you the case of the Pop Quiz. Over the past 6 months, my DM has been running a fun Strixhaven campaign! He mentioned during session 0 that he wanted to make this feel like a college experience, including romances, college parties, studying, etc. What we didn’t realize is that part of that college experience would mean sitting through a (I kid you not) 40 MINUTE POWERPOINT LECTURE ON SLAADS, including a fully built pre-quiz utilizing Kahoot. I had just gotten home from a full day of classes and the last thing I expected during my dnd session was one more lecture that day. Most recently, our DM told us we have to study our notes that we took during his 40 minute lecture on slaads because our characters will be having a pop quiz next session. This would not be decided by dice rolls or int checks, but rather by our IRL performance on a quiz handout he would provide. Judges, I am already a full time student, would it be over the like to shut down this extra schoolwork by telling my DM that this sort of campaign isn’t for me? I humbly await your judgement.

Emerson Moore

To the sesquipedalian judges and the laconic bailiff, I present to you the case of the sophomore slaying. I was a sophomore in high school, and I was a first time DM for a friend group of seniors as part of a class at school, running a heavily modified version of Rime of the Frostmaiden. Since this class was going to be the last thing they ever did in high school, I wanted it to be perfect for them, and built an extensive world for them to play around in and workshopped all of their characters and secrets (part of the campaign) how they wanted them. One of these secrets was the Doppleganger secret, where you are actually a shapeshifter, which the player chose to interpret as their actually being a Red Dragon. Because the party would have a huge Draco Ex Machina, I made sure to make the final fight I had planned much more challenging, but when the final battle with a serial killer turned love interest on top of a fort in a blizzard came to fruition, my big bad dropped my dragon PC with them never transforming (they forgot), and almost killed the entire party, too. I was able to bring in a band of hyper intelligent wolves from earlier to salvage the scenario, and everyone said it was the best campaign they had ever done in the end, but the near TPK still haunts me: should I have cranked up the heat on their dragon, even if the player chose never to play their card, or should I have put my foot down to honor the secret as written? By the winds of Icewind Dale, I leave the scrimshaw knife of decision in your skilled hands.

PG Lusk

May it please the Court and the esteemed bailiff Emily, who definitely did NOT slip me a crumpled 5 dollar bill between cases. I come to you with the case of the armless Arcane Trickster. I'm currently playing an Arcane Trickster in a campaign, and while it's going great, my original concept for my character was going to be a thief who lost their arms above the elbow after they botched picking a trapped lock. Undeterred, they learned to cast and maintain two Mage Hands at once, which functioned as replacements for their arms. I say ORIGINAL concept, because my DM ultimately vetoed it, stating that nowhere in the Mage Hand spell did it say they could cast two hands at once, even though I told him it was just for flavor, functionally they'd operate like normal hands, except when I was unconscious, and I wasn't going to try any hijinks with my Mage Hands. I'm currently playing a bog standard Arcane Trickster and having a blast, but I ask you, was I robbed of my opportunity to play my HANDicapped character?

Cam The Spooky Frog Man, William Schitz Cousin

Dearest Supremest Crit and the Lovely Frog Bucket Hat Wearing Bailiff Emily Snaxford I present the case of The Big Boom. I played in an online campaign a year ago where the party was going though a time tower. The tower itself was 5 stories and each new floor we'd get a level. I played a Level 3 gunslinger level 2 wizard and we had just reached the boss battle, a giant time dragon. At some point during the beginning of the battle my party members made i plan I had not heard, they had planned to place 5 barrels of gunpowder in front of the dragon. And so they did Now naturally as a gunslinger I see a barrel of explosive gunpowder and I need to shoot it. So I did. None of the party members got hurt but it did severe damage to the dragon. This turned into me getting razzed for the rest of the battle and am still getting razzed to this day Judges am I being wrongfully razzed or was I justified in my hasty shooting of a giant barrel of explosives. I prostrate myself in front of the court and ask for the fairest of judgement

PineappleLiar

Greetings, Jordges and Estormed Borliff, I come to you with the case of the serial petrification DM. Recently in a game I’m in there was a series of ill fortunes that took place wherein my druid was targeted by a petrification ray from a beholder, and rolled badly enough to become a statue. It sucked as I missed most of the fight, and with petrification didn’t even have the luxury of making saves on my turn to see if I got out of it. We were high level, though, so the petrification was fixed after the end of the fight fairly quickly. The issue comes in the immediate next fight we were in. Do you know what my DM decided we were fighting? A MEDUSA. My druid was petrified AGAIN and fell into LAVA. Justices, does my DM deserve punishment for doubling down on the enemies that stop you from fighting entirely, or am I just being a negative nancy? Please help its been so many sessions since I’ve had a turn in combat.

Dillon

To Great and Powerful Justices and the nerdy baliff who takes her hair down and her glasses off and everyone realizes was beautiful the whole time, I present to you the case of the secret player villain. This happened back in college. I was the DM for a game that would do a new campaign about every school year. Over the summer I worked a job with two of the other players. One of them proposed that for the up coming game she played the BBEG in secret. I thought it would be fun. so I agreed with some ground rules. First her "boss form" would be three levels higher than the other members, but couldnt access those abilities while playing. Second, the other player that also worked with us would know and help facilitate the grand scheme. We made our characters and what followed was an amazing campaign full of character growth, romances, sentient zombies, and infiltrating a terrorist organization that was secretly run by our player/big bad. After a year, we revealed the truth and we prepared for the final showdown. In the final fight our villain player was about to die and texted me to ask if she should teleport out, I told her do what you think she would do. She escaped and the party was robbed of total victory. That was the final session of the campaign, and while some of those party members had a chance to finish the villain, now an NPC years later, some of the players still get (jokingly) mad at me years later for letting this happen. Judges was I wrong for letting the traitorous player escape, or was I right to let the player do what she wanted? I await your judgement!

D Cord

To the Honorable Crit Justices and the amazingly fitting worm bailiff I submit the case of the tactical drop horse: In a game with some of my closest friends, I play an America themed aarakocra paladin, please Justice Murphy, resist eye rolling for just a moment. In a recent session, our group stumbled upon a small camp of the invading army in the forest we were in. The group decided to approach as friends, but to have me fly over invisible, and wait at the other side of the camp in case things turned sour, just to draw attention of the enemies in two directions. I doffed my armor and we loaded my plate mail onto the horse we domesticated at the top of the session (I named her Buttermilk.) I flew over and found a place on the opposite side of camp to hide while the rest of the group initiated conversation with the camp. The plan was if things turned south the ranger would send Buttermilk through the camp to me, where I would then grab my armor and don same with the special Don/doff armor I have. When things inevitably heated up, the ranger rolled a 22 animal handling check to send Buttermilk to me. The DM said in no uncertain terms: absolutely not. It ended up being fine, we got through the combat mostly unscathed but I humbly ask the court: should we have been able to use Buttermilk as a tactical horse care package?

Santa Grinch Hugging HumBaba and two Fairies

I feel a little disconnected from the table when im the 1 out of 5 permanently virtual (unless i fly back to Jersey & make that effort to Schedule D&D to accommodate my limited availability specifically)

Jennifer

To the distinguished justices and cool bailiff Amy, I present to you the case of the TPK beef squad. I am in a party playing curse of strahd playing a level 10 circle of spores druid, with a backstory of being a disgraced ex-professor who was dismissed over unethical experiments with mushroom-based immortality. For the entirity of the 1.5-year campaign to date, I was never the party healer, and most of my combat casting was focused on area of effect damage (the nuke). From the start, I didn’t want to be pigeonholed into a designated healer role. Shortly after getting through the brunt of the (spoilers?) amber temple, I had to miss a session. While I was gone, there was a near-TPK, where our morally grey wizard, went insane/chaotic-evil and killed our barbarian and artificer before running away never to be seen again. I was informed when I returned the next week that my character and the cleric had survived because they were in another part of the temple, and that the rest of the party was rolling new characters. The new characters were all fighter-multiclasses and dubbed themselves Beef Squad, but they then went on to heavily pressure me to abandon the character I had been playing for over a year to join the Beef Squad shenanigans, which I refused. However, after that point and leading up to our final confrontation with Strahd, I was pressured every week by our ex-wizard player to stock high level healing spells rather than the strategic combat spells I had already planned. I argued that we had a cleric, I had never been the party healer, and that if they wanted more healers, they shouldn't have pushed "beef squad" in the homestretch of the campaign. Am I justified in not stocking any healing spells for our final encounter with Strahd because it wouldn't be in line with my character, or would it come off as spiteful against the TPK wizard at the potential cost of the rest of the party? I humbly await your judgement.

Filmscape Chicago

May it please the court and if the bailiff could run out and grab some food for everyone. I bring you the case of Boss Vs Joy. I work a sales job where my boss is always trying to get the salespeople excited about the work we're doing. Last week, he announced that this year's weekly sales meetings will have a quote "board game theme" and the number of calls and emails we make through a week will determine how far we move on the board. The presentation included a lot of game puns crammed into sales jargon, and then there was a slide of the "game board" - a generic DnD world map with landmarks like "the fortress of profit" and "the delta of prosperity." Also included the "Email Inn" where each salesperson is sitting at a table with the number of emails they've sent this month. I can understand he's trying to connect to younger salespeople but it's hard not to find this confusing or even patronizing. I don't want to start thinking about Q2 invoice data while I'm playing in my home game, anymore than I want to think about encounter balancing during a sales call. Justices - can't work just be for work, or am I being unfair to a boss who's clearly trying.

Bakuraptor

To the benevolent bailiff Axford, the esteemed Justices Murphy and Tanner, and the merely steamed temporary justice Honkwitz, I ask: Was I wronged when my DM accidentally killed my character while railroading? We had been playing a low-level, low-stakes campaign with a group of friends for about six months when our DM announced that she wanted to wrap things up soon, as she'd decided that she preferred being a player. We were a bit sad, because we loved her worldbuilding, but obviously were more than happy to facilitate that. However, to my great surprise, it turned out that ending the campaign "soon" meant "that day." The session started with us mid-negotiations with some gangsters, but, less than a minute into it, the DM announced that fifteen guards burst into the room and attacked us. Above the table, she told us that this was going to lead into our final battle. We all assumed that meant we should fight the guards. We were wrong. I should probably note at this point that our DM had also decided to pioneer "dramatic" death saves, where a nat one was an insta-death, throughout the campaign. In the first round of combat, I was downed before I could act - and, immediately after that, I rolled a nat one on my turn and perished. She apologised at the end of the session, saying that the guards were just meant to capture us and take us to the final boss, but she'd "had to railroad the ending as we weren't going to finish the campaign otherwise." She also admitted that she'd not actually given the guards HP totals, as we "weren't supposed to have fought back." Ultimately, despite our DM's best efforts, the session ended before the climactic boss fight we were promised - and, as it didn't make any sense for me to roll a new character, I didn't end up taking part in the final battle in the end. Justices, I ask: was my death an unfortunate but unintentional accident - or did my DM wrongly sacrifice me on the altar of her alacrity?

Astrala Chrome

May it please the crit justices and studious baliff axford I the dm started up a new campaign a mix style of 5e and one dnd, I decided to be adding some homebrew and amongst the few new rules I thought that adding a rule of using cantrips as a bonus action. I will preface by saying that I did state explicitly that these rules were new needed to be tested and were open for adjustments. One of the olayers created a build around this rule in which they were a paladin with magic intiate using booming blade as a bonus action. Seeing this in use in session one I said this was quite strong and would need adjustments so im thinking of removing it. Come seission 2 the character uses the abillity I veto, I said we arent going to be using this any more which started a bug arguement in which the player stated that this was balanced and there are plenty of ways to do more damage I countered saying that other martial classes or feats that enable you ti perform damage at this level require you to take some sort of deficit or resources to do so. Using a cantrip as a bonus action has virtually no setbacks. Not to mention that you can use spells and attack as a bonus action this way. He then argued for an hour that there were other ways to do more damage he showed me calculations of polearm master with great weapon master combo does more damage even with a lower hit ratio. I agreed that this was the case and countered back that you still had an action economy advatange with no setbacks he then said wow you fully sais damage was the only issue ad continued to push that and that alone and say I was goalposting. in my uoset state I simply gave in to his request and warned that encounter difficulty would increase. His build is paladin genie greatsword 2d6+5 lv1 Judges should I sleep in the barn tn or should my player be put in the doghouse I await your humble judgement. Ps. Y'all are fantastic naddpod is inspiration to us all. Shoutout to jake for all the great writing in skaldova love yall Pss. When my book drops I'm gonna do secret naddpod references hehehe

Teo Tamashiro-Harris

To the divine justices and wormwife bailiff, I ask when is subverting a backstory too much? In my first DnD campaign with my friends and a DM that was a friend of a friend, I made a character that I was really excited about. His backstory was that he grew up middle class, uneventful childhood, loving family and then decided to go on an adventure as a sort of gap year before joining the family business. The subversion of a standard heroic backstory really tickled me but by the end of the second session it was revealed that my character's family wasn't so loving and the family business was a Mafia style organisation with my father set up as the BBEG. It instantly broke my charm with the character and after a dozen more sessions, I talked with my DM and was able to change to another character that I enjoyed. I know a lot of people enjoy twists and subversions in a backstory so maybe this was just a me issue, but I ask was I wronged when my DM completely shifted my character's backstory to the opposite of what I set out?

Babbles The Clown

Dearest Justices & Honorable Bailiff Emily I present to you the case of the bummer epilogue This took place at a DnD night of one-shots held at my local Comic-Con Museum (at a table of mostly new players). The game was set in the DM's homebrew world, a world were elves are second class citizens. For the game we were all given premade eleven characters & successfully collect a Mcguffen & defeat some demons. Solid. The DM then unprompted ask if we want to join the Elven Rebellion, so we of course say yes. To which he says "Well that was the villain of my home game & you guys get defeated in the near future. Though the heros did understand that the rebellion had some valid points. So you probably survived." This absolutely sucked the air from the table & every shrugged & packed up as he pitched his e-book. Judges! Was this an appropriate response or should we have been more receptive to his lore. I humbly await your judgment.

Secretlymadeofworms

To the justices may they reign in perpetuity, and to the bailiff take a lap. I present to you the case of the pudgy bear. I am in the early stages of a new 5.5e campaign and am playing a barbarian cursed bear, let's leave the pun aside if it pleases the court. I find myself at odds with another player (a dear friend) in the campaign who has taken on the role of "chef" for our party. In the first session, the chef decided to "poke the bear" and say that he was reducing my portions of food because I was too pudgy. I wanted to be a good partner in the game and "yes and" the moment and play it up for comedy, while protesting in character that I am not pudgy, I am just a bear and that this is body shaming and forcing me into human-centric beauty standards. He insisted that I could have full portions again when I had dropped to a healthy weight. I have played this dynamic up for laughs over the past 4 sessions, him restricting my food access and me pretending to be starving to the point I willingly ate a poisonous mushroom just to drive home the point that I am hungry. For god's sake I am a bear. My problem is, I don't find this funny, and I don't want my character to be tubby (beyond normal bear weights). But I don't know how to not "accept the gift" of a character trait even though its not one I want for my vision of the character. Should I swallow my concept and lean in and accept that my bear needs to eat less, or should I just eat my friend? I want to be a good improvisation partner, but I also want my character to be mine. Long time listener, hate the show. Secretlymadeofworms

Tobimcyobi

Good morrow fair justices of the court, I, a beginner dnd player joined a long standing group knowing one person, the DM, the campaign was in the works for at least 1.5 years before we entered (what I thought was session 0) session 1. I meet these people irl for the first time the session starts a little slow but all was well.. until 2 characters were having an interaction after we entered the main village area and the DM (my friend I haven’t seen much because we graduated and I work full time) looked at me and asked “so why don’t you invite me out more” I was mortified! Idk if anyone heard but it got very awkward between us I tried making a little excuse but thought this wasn’t a great time and we moved past it, I was a bit tense and I knew she could tell, a player asked her “what do we see” or something and she was silent before rushing out upset. Justices please, what?? What should I have done the season fizzled out and I had to leave (8pm) early because I had work. I was so excited for this and I’m sure everyone else was too but no one has spoken since. I hope I can use my character for another campaign but I do t have many dnd friends at all :/

Devon B

To the lowly crit justices and even more lowly ballif, I present the case of the falsely advertised D&D one shot. This was my first time visiting comic con and as a pair of massive ttrpg nerds, my little brother and I played several one shots with several systems being run by several wonderful game masters. This story comes from the final day of comic con and our final chance to join a game, we decided to join in a D&D 5e game. When we arrived at the table, it became incredibly apparent to me that I would not only be the oldest person day at the table, but also that I would be the only adult as the two other players and dungeon master were young teenagers. Our dungeon master began the game by introducing our PCs in the dark interior of a large sailing ship, which we soon learned was crewed entirely by skeletons. The session was going well enough until combat began, as imperial forces closed in our position, at which point it become incredibly clear that the dungeon master had not prepared any material for the game and that our skeleton allies where unkillable. At this point, the game was no longer D&D, as our class abilities were made entirely pointless as the combat came down to shooting cannonballs as the immortal skeleton crew distracted the attacking knights, sinking ships with every successful hit without even rolling damage dice. It was around this time that the other player was wisked away by his mother, who I suspect he had messaged to come collect him as he had made it obvious he was not enjoying the game, leaving just my brother and I to finish the game. We ended up overthrowing a monarchy in the span of fifteen minutes and never once was an attack roll made against a player or by an npc in general, likely because none of the npcs had stats. I'm left with this question for the court; was I in the right to not give this young dungeon master a high rating with the ttrpg group after the game had concluded?

BigComfyChesterfield

To the highly educated crit Justices and highly regarded Bailiff. Is ice a rock? My party seemed to believe that, scientifically since ice is a mineral that ice is thus a rock. They wanted to mold earth and stone shape a door in an ice wall in a glacial dungeon this adverting a puzzle and combat that was ahead. After refuting the claim and reviewing a 100 level earth and atmospheric sciences notes from years past we concluded ice is a mineral and I aquiesed that ice is earth for the purpose of the spells. I argue irl sciences should not be in DnD if they are BS. Ice is water, i chew ice cubes, I do NOT chew rocks. Was my party wrong? Or do I need to chill? Thank you for your time and consideration. Perhaps your fantasy science backgrounds will award you your PhD's (Pretty huge dice).

Devin

To the effervescent justices and the equally fizzy bailiff, In session zero of my latest campaign, one of my players came to me with a unique character concept. His artificer had suffered a tragic mishap while trying to heal a friend and his body was destroyed, leaving his soul stuck in a small vial. As this was a modern setting, he made ends meet by working as one of those food delivery robots, with his vial strapped to the back. We made a plan for him to find a doll or puppet to store his body in within a few sessions (aka: before the first combat so I didn’t have to litigate that). Cut to session one, when the new party, robot in tow, walks in on a local celebrity murdering a reporter who was trying to write an exposé. During this tense scene the artificer kept cracking jokes. When he interrupted the celeb for the third time to offer him a napkin to clean the blood off his suit, the monologuing baddie snapped and backhanded the car with his mace. We all quickly realized that a gaseous soul can’t really make death saves, so I quickly established that the mace was aimed at the car and said “as long as you don’t roll a Nat 1 on a luck check, your vial won’t get broken”. Nat 1. No one knew this robot was a person yet, so the party couldn’t even mourn as the soul dissipated into the ether. My player is still pissed at me for making him roll a new character for session 2, but I think he brought this upon himself. Also, he’s my identical twin brother.

Chris Pareago

To the honorable judges Murphy and Tanner, and the incredible baliff Axford, (I believe that's it 🤔) I bring you the case of "A DM Got So Mad at Me I Never Played DnD at Their House or Anywhere Else Ever Again" I used to play a half orc barbarian named "Rellik" whom I loved. The first campaign Rellik appeared in was also my first campaign ever. A soft 4e adventure with a very forgiving, engaging and patient DM who taught Rellik and I how to love the game. The second campaign is where the problem arrives. I got approval for Rellik to be reborn in a different DMs 5e campaign. I made the mistake of using the same weapon I was given in the campaign prior (magical greataxe with a small attack bonus). The following conversation ensues: "I attack with my greataxe" "Huh?! You don't have a greataxe! You have this other axe!" There was some more lambasting that followed. Judges: I thought I got clearance for everything prior to the game. Should I have known prior to playing that my weapon wouldn't be allowed to come with me? I had only been playing a couple of months at that point and I've missed the game since I quit from the embarassemt. I humbly ask y'all to help me put this incident behind me with some final judgement. Either way, I will accept my sentence and hope my 12 years of time served away from the game will be baked into my punishment.

Clever Innuendo

If it pleases the Magnanimous Judges and the Baliff that always wakes up with a Solid 9, may I present the case of "Carried Versus Ridden". Our party found ourselves in the middle of an unnatural sand-storm, where the object was more to get a certain distance across the map than it was to defeat the enemies within the storm.  We were a few turns in when the conflict arose.  Our Wild Magic Sorcerer is zipping forward on a flying broom, and bunches up with the party.  My Wildfire Druid uses his Spirit's teleportation ability to pop the party 15 feet forward, trying to cut down on the total distance. Our DM retorted that this action would result in the Flying Broom being *abandoned* at the point we teleported from.  We argued that items 'worn and carried' are generally given a sense of Plot Armor.  The DM countered that it wasn't being 'worn or carried', it was a *vehicle*, and that maybe if it had a stat block that could count it as a creature, like our Creation Bard's Animated Objects, it'd be different.  He allowed our Sorcerer to teleport for the rest of the fight since we started that way, but ruled it would nerfed going forward. Judges, what do you declare the difference between an Item and a Vehicle, if any, when it comes to teleportation?  Was the table justified, or do we owe our DM an apology and spare ourselves the next debate?

Gavin Sohnrey

To the esteemed justices and more specifically bailiff Emily, I present the case of the miscalculated AC. I was DMing a homebrew game for my friends and girlfriend. My girlfriend decided to play a Circle of Dreams Druid named Hazel Zyran using a homebrew Dryad race from D&D Beyond. The main racial feature was adding your wisdom modifier to your AC. This is obviously a very strong ability but my group enjoys high powered characters with crazy encounters so I allowed it. After about 20 sessions they were all getting very powerful and had received some character specific boons from an ancient AI (long story). In my efforts to balance the encounters I decided to really comb through the character sheets of my party and make sure I knew all of their most important abilities. Upon inspection I found that her homebrew race was accidentally made to apply her Wisdom modifier to her AC twice instead of once leading to an AC of 23 after her most recent ASI. This was obviously an egregious oversight from me letting it go this long unnoticed, but I immediately corrected it and brought it to my girlfriend to let her know. She complained that I nerfed her character unfairly and should just let it be because it had been fine so far. I stood my ground and went through with the fix. A few sessions later her character ended up dying and the campaign itself died shortly after due at least in part (admittedly a small part) to her being upset about the character death. So I ask the court, should I have let my Druid keep her ridiculously high AC for the sake of maintaining the status quo? Or was I right in nerfing the character after 20+ sessions of gameplay.

Eric

To the esteemed high justices and the lowly lowly bailiff, I bring you the tale of The Bullied Teen Necromancer. In a campaign I the DM was running we had a section where the party was planning to break into a magical college to steal an artifact. As part of the plan, one of the party members; a Dragonborn named Frol faked interest in learning magic and enrolled at the university. When he showed up to his first day of college in that class was a shy teenage necromancer npc, named Bradley the party had saved from being controlled by an evil artifact earlier in the campaign. Frol never trusted Bradley and was extremely rude and bullied Bradley because “a Necromancer has to be evil.” Eventually, Bradley fed up with the way he was being treated, cast a Charm person spell on Frol to get him “to leave him alone”. Frol made his saving throw and in response because “he was attacked by dark magic” pulled out his Great Axe and used his highest level divine smite on Bradley, who narrowly avoided being killed outright. I responded by saying that the multiple high-level wizards in the room used high-level magic to restrain Frol (a very short combat) and he was arrested for attempted murder. He argued that Bradley started it by casting a spell on him, But I argued that attacking with intent to kill is not comparable to a Charm Person spell. After some arguing Frol was arrested and eventually executed off screen, because none of the party even tried to save him. Judges was Frol right that it was an attack in self-defense, or was it attempted murder over college antics

Fabrizio Moreno

Dear high judges and Murph's wife, I present you the case of "the Jawa Incident" Some years ago, we began playing Star Wars ttrpg with some friends; we were all new, but I became the GM because it was my idea to play. In our first session, the wookie ranger found a couple of jawas in the backroom of her store, and here is when things started to go south. Because of some anxiety, the tense moment and some wild Wild Rolls (nat1 and nat2 intimidation and nat19 and nat20 on attacks), all the jawas died in two rounds and here I panicked. This wasn't a fight encounter; they were the ones to give them their first mission, and I didn't know what to do, so when the half-human soldier got a Nat20 investigation (WILDS ROLLS), I told them everything. The jawas were a married couple that escaped an illegal slave ring, leaving their kids behind, and were looking for some people to help them. In the end, the players saved the slaves and destroyed the bad guys, but the party was traumatized, especially the ranger and to this day, the "jawa incident" is part of an obscure part of our real lives. So I ask: Could I've done something different? Or was I correct in respecting the rolls?

Chip

To the mighty and naughty members of the Supreme Crit and the powerful in her own rite bailiff I come to you today with a classic RAW vs Played appeal from my local lower court. In the rotating DM game that I play in my main PC is Gwyntrag, just a little goblin guy cavalier who rides into battle on his fire boar Krackle while wielding a +2 lance crafted from the flaming tooth of an elder dinosaur guardian of a jungle in our world that the party had the unfortunate necessity of killing. This lance, as one would expect, deals extra 2d6 fire damage on top of the typical die you would be rolling for its attacks. The point of contention is this: I have the piercer feat and would like to use it to re-roll the the fire damage on my lance's attacks. The feat states that you can reroll one of an attack's damage dice if you use a piercing weapon for the assault but does not specify that you must re-roll the piercing damage die itself. I claim that as the fire damage is dmage die on the attack itself I should be able to reroll. The rest of the group (all also DMs) have ruled against me stating that only the d10 from my lance is allowed to be rolled again which I'm currently abiding by. Please Justices I ask of you is it wrong for me to think I should be able to reroll ANY singular damage die on my attack? Is it rude of me to want to nickel and dime my damage when on average I hit for almost 60 a turn between my three attacks?

Please Dont Look at Me

To the illustrious justices and adequate bailiff Jorg, I submit the case of the always evil player. My friends and I have been playing smaller campaigns and one shots for the last couple years. It’s a group of about 14 friends from college who play on discord, and we’ll have different DMs and groups. One friend, we’ll call him Jake, always plays an evil character. Jake’s characters don’t do PVP, and they will begrudgingly help the party. They just comment about how stinky and poor we are, and frequently offer up innocent NPCs as collateral while negotiating with baddies. The first couple of times, we were like “okay, this is how he wants to play right now.” It wasn’t actively hostile. We typically play a lot more dungeon crawl type games, so none of us are super comfortable with role play and he was trying something new. But justices, it’s every time. He even ran a one shot where we were all evil characters (it was fine). It’s getting to the point where people are avoiding playing because the role play, though ultimately harmless, is so frustrating to engage with. My question is this: is it right to have a conversation with Jake about this? Is it even possible? Or are we the baddies for being annoyed with our friends role play choice. If it helps, he is an extremely normal dude outside of this. Borderline Rebecca level. I lay myself at your feet.

Guy

Dear Bailiff Emily and the super sick justices, I bring you the case of the long line. My players were trying to get into a hopping nightclub that one of them was banned from. It was suggested that he would be able to hide in the party’s bag of holding. I pointed out there was a chance that standing in line would take longer than ten minutes, because it was so crowded, and he would suffocate in the bag. We agreed to a roll, where each number under ten was an additional minute they’d have to wait in line. He rolled a three, meaning a seventeen minute wait. He said that he should still be able to poke his head out of the bag and breathe that way. I said that someone would notice a head emerging from a bag. He disagreed and kind of yelled at me even though we were playing in a room at the library. Judges, was I being too harsh? Should he have been able to poke his head out of the bag? Also, he had invisibility.

Pop

Hello my dear justices and especially hello bailiff Emily ;)(missing John tho.) My first dnd campaign I was launched in late to party with 6 other people, they were mid campaign and I was new to playing. I had fallen in love with dimension 20 and felt I had learned the basics this was until a person in the campaign had his own idea and had personally messaged me a list of rules to teach me to play. I thought this was kind and listened, these rules consisted of things like d12s for checks and attacks, d20s for damage I was confused but i thought maybe this was a homemade version of dnd. I then went in the next week and did as he asked and when the dm tried to explain to me the correct rules the player laughed out loud. I found out it was a prank just he was in on, he was kicked out a day later. So I ask was I naïve for not asking questions or was he just a cheeky little guy?

Daniel A.

No matter what the ruling is we all know your character is going to Bear Hell

Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Murph Malds Madly

"Esteemed" Justices, and my favorite little big Wife Worm Bailiff: A rogue at my table has genuinely gotten me with a couple of Deez Nuts joke, even turning the one given to me by Shel B during a Council of Elders Q and A back on me. Not your fault, Shel, he's just absurdly quick, and asked if any of the goblins were psychic "mind goblins" with the punchline "Mind goblin Deez nuts" after I asked for clarification. So, I decided to go big, or go home. I came up with a story about how Wallace, the minotaur butler, was repeatedly pressured by his parents, Akalles (like Achilles with an A) and Chakandma, to go into a field more fitting of his immense strength and combat ability. When it came time to tell the story the entire table was rapt. And not once did anyone interject, not even the rogue, which is out of character for him. He seemed particularly enthralled by Wallace's tale, even somewhat moved. I had a moment of hesitation. I considered not delivering the punchline. But twelve words echoed in my mind: Fear of death is nothing but an obstacle for a perfect strike. So I steeled my nerves, and delivered the punchline, "Fondle my test-akalles while you Chakandma cock." The table immediately burst into laughter, everyone except the rogue, who let out a defeated sigh and said, "Wow, you really got me." After the session I asked him if I took it too far. He said he just wasn't expecting it to be a joke, and was genuinely moved. I apologized, and there doesn't seem to be any lingering weirdness between us, or in the group. But I still ask: Did I take it too far?

Nathaniel F

To the most esteemed Baby Boy-Witz, judges, and the lowly Byron Smurfy. I present the case of the thieving DM. (Abridged). Hired by a simulacrum-like illusory wizard, we found and fixed his now-dead Prime Wizard’s “illusion-made-real” machine. Our Artificer and Wizard tested it with an illusion of a pile of platinum bars, totaling some 250k or more gold, before using it on the illusory Wizard. All seemed successful. On our way back to town, our DM told us the platinum had a half life of one hour, and is starting to disappear- the wizard was fine. As he mentions this, a little red devil guy, complete with evil mustache and French accent, pops out of our PC wizard’s watch, which he’s had for ages, and does, well, not much of anything. We shrug it off as a later problem and we book it to the town bank. We set up a deal with the bank teller to launder the money, and hand her the platinum. At that moment, said little devil guy pops back out, pushes the teller into the bank vault portal, jumps in after her, and locks it from the inside. Sealing our money, nay our joy, away. We have played many campaigns in this world with the same characters, or those from the in-game guild we started. The bank is “still investigating” - Real world and in-game years later! Please, we need him to be judged, even if it means Bargamel Smurfy uses his Executioner’s Axe-ford.

Caelbra

Dearest Justices and Bailiff Emily, I am writing not for a specific disagreement at the table, but for advice. I am fairly new to D&D and I play in a group that meets weekly for an online session. Half of the players have been playing for years and the other half (myself and others) have only been playing about a year or two. I am writing because two of the members of the group are DMs and, it never fails, that they will start to bicker like an old married couple over rules and moves. Sometimes it is resolved by a quick check of the rules and other times the game continues, but they will continue to bring it up. It has stopped the game for about 15 mins with the rest of us waiting to for resolution and the game to continue. Things they've fought over include: how surprise attacks work, when and how advantage is granted, and whether flanking grants +2 or advantage. As new players that are happy to be playing and learning the game, we do not want to step on anyone's toes. But resolution usually comes when another seasoned player sighs in exasperation. I ask, dear justices, what is the best way to approach the DMs so we can have fewer interruptions during our game play?

InfinityGirl

To the esteemed justices Murphy and Tanner and the wonderful baliff Emily, (I’m happy you replaced the Jake guy he was a real piece of work); I present the case of the canceled campaign razzing. A few years ago I was running my first attempt of a long form campaign by combining original 5e starter kit and the Essential kit since they both take place in the same region around Phandilin. Combining the two sets was a lot to handle as it was my second time running a game, I'd only run a simple one shot before, and I felt overwhelmed. I felt no one was having fun with my fumbling and retcons and eventually dragged my feet on scheduling more sessions and the campaign fizzled out. I know now that my friends were actually having a great time and it was just my nerves getting the better of me but my friends razz me about scheduling things to this day. It’s all in good fun but it is constant. I ask the court if my nerves really warrant being brought up all the time and they should stop or if I should take my razzing with dignity. PS: My friends and I do really love each other and recently started a new long form campaign using the Spelljammer setting. We’re 6 sessions strong and my players love the homebrew campaign I’m running based off Treasure Planet!

SicBoi

To the righteous and impeachable holiest of holy servant of justice Emily; and the Boys. Today I bring no case nor confession, but a demand for divine retribution from dice Christ himself. I fell in love with D&D 2 years ago after watching NADDPOD and dimension 20, ever since then I have been a forever DM for 4 groups of all new players and so far I have taught 17 people how to play. Recently one of the first people I taught to play, Bri, asked if she could run a few holiday one shots covering Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I was over joyed and started character creation immediately creating a storm Goliath world tree barbarian named Hagar Thunderson, a month before the first one shot. I checked the campaign link daily to see what the other members of my group had come up with and like usual they all waited until the last minute to make characters. One of those characters being a barbarian created by my problem player David, Bri’s husband. I was slightly disappointed that I was not playing a class of my own and even more so because David named his barbarian ball crusher Bob and I am 95% sure his wife made the character for him, as she had made all of his previous characters. Bri then proceeded to force the two characters into an arm wrestling match where her husband won, as he put all of his points into strength for damage and I put mine into Con. so that I could tank. After winning Hagar tried giving Bob a hand shake and Bob instead spit on the ground and pretended to punch Hagar hoping to make him flinch. After this fiasco Bri decided she was ready to run a full length homebrew campaign equip with her own world. I dove deeply into her lore and worked closely with her to create my character, an oath of the crown paladin named sir Elrick, who was fully immersed in the world and inspired by “The Bright Sword”. When we finally had our session 0 for the new campaign I gave a long winded impassioned spill fully explaining my character and his background to everyone and when I finished, Bri informed us that David did not feel like playing tonight but she would introduce his character; a paladin named Chorizo. I immediately withdrew my character and said I would simply play Hagar (the Paladin hating farmer) so we didn’t have two paladins but I sincerely wanted to cry and throw up hearing that my class had once again been stolen. We played a dry run for session 0 and the DM, playing as her husband’s character chorizo, crit 3 times in the only battle we had and got the killing blow on every combatant we faced. As I write this I feel I may be over reacting…am I wrong to want a class to myself? Are Bri and David conspiring against me? Only your judgment can quell the fire of hatred burning in my soul.

Patrick Ferris

To the principled judges and the putrid bailiff, Emma: A few years back I ran a Curse of Strahd campaign for some friends where I tried my damndest to get at least one player to betray the party. Being the seductive DM that I am, one PC actually took the bait. The barbarian of the party, Mashi, accepted the dark gift of vampirism, much to the parties dismay. At the time, my group followed a rule that so long as only one player was missing from the table, we would continue the session without them (5 player total). The session following Mashi’s infection, their player could not make it. I hadn’t planned for the infection to take hold quickly, so I expected Mashi to be around for at least a few more sessions. Honorable judges, the other party members IMMEDIATELY began scrutinizing Mashi at the beginning of the session. I, not wanting to fully roleplay one of my player’s characters, had Mashi run away and hide. The party pursued. Relentlessly. I was forced to play as Mashi, being berated by all of the party, before ultimately being told to leave and never come back. I tried to draw out the situation long enough for it to pick up in the next session, but the party would not back down, and Mashi’s player started next week with a new character sheet. Judges, wtf? Luckily we’re are all friends at the table, and though I still get razzed on occasion for allowing a player to miss such a crucial character moment, we’ve since moved on to bigger and better campaigns.

Secretlymadeofworms

Not if I repent to Bear Christ before my death! I'm planning to meet Bear Peter at the Pearly Bear gates!

Jane Paintrain

To the Honorable Justices and the worm bailiff, Lowly - I present the case of the Marvel Menace. In the early days of our playgroup one of us wanted to try DMing for the first time with just me running two PCs. The practice session was fun and I agreed to another. What I didn’t know was that the DM invited a second player to the next session. I was nervous because my two characters were parodies of Marvel characters - funny for a one shot but far from what I would typically play in a full campaign. Of course, the new player comes in with Thor and Black Widow and a full campaign ensues. From there things only got worse as the second player created exclusively Marvel characters for all subsequent campaigns, one shots, and mini arcs in our larger play group. These PCs have not been well received at the table as we tend to play typical medieval high-fantasy adventures. Judges, I ask you - who must bear the blame for this superhero epidemic that has been going on six years now? Is it the second player for forcing his superhero fantasy into our forgotten realms, is it the new but overly permissive DM that enabled us, or must I make my way to a Dice Christ confessional and beg forgiveness for this superhero inception? Perhaps everyone is to blame and this case has no heroes after all. I leave the ruling in your capable hands.

Spencer Clark

To the regally-robed Referees and employee #5, I present to you the case of the Lost Faith. Our group is blessed with multiple DMs. One of whom, a self-described follower of Dice Christ, had some success at work in early 2022. He decided to reward himself by purchasing a high-priced DM screen/dice tower combo made of purpleheart hardwood. It was immaculate, and it rolled absolute garbage for him. Without exception over the last three years and across multiple campaigns, it rolled low for him and high for us. Obviously: we loved it. But, alas, we have been betrayed! We found out today that he shipped it back to the maker so they could "undo the curse" bestowed upon it. But Judges, the way it rolled was the will of Dice Christ! Perhaps the "curse" (as he calls it) was meant to teach our DM humility or self deference or to atone for past sins. Our role is not to discern the will of Dice Christ, but to respect it and through self-reflection find self-improvement. I ask you: was our DM wrong to forgo the faith and seek his own road to paradise? We faithful members of the group humbly await your wisdom.

RebeccaC

Dear merciful judges and meh bailiff, I bring to you the case of the silent two-headed dog. My friends and I are have been playing DnD for several years together and have a couple different campaigns going at once. Everyone always has a good time and the dm does an excellent job with all the different storylines and character arcs. My one worry is that my friend seems to be developing a pattern of mysterious but increasingly quiet characters. Campaign one: every time they saw a piano they would play it nonstop. I’m not exaggerating, we could not get them away from the piano. While this didn’t come up a lot, it derailed several sessions. And their character never wanted to talk about it afterwards. Campaign two: they played a character who couldn’t speak out loud and spoke to one person at a time via telekinesis. Campaign three, one that we just started: they are playing a Druid transformed into a fierce two headed dog. We just met them and they refused to shift back to human form until the wildshape expired. I (in character) asked them why they weren’t changing back right away, but they were a dog so they didn’t answer. And once they did turn back, they sat by the fire growling rather than joining our party on a mini adventure. There are often cool story reasons for why they choose all their character elements. And they almost entirely home brew every character, bringing a lot of charm and fun to the sessions. But judges, am I wrong for finding it increasingly frustrating to interact with their characters or should I put more effort into role playing with them? I throw myself before the mercy of the court.

Tristan Lestavel-Entwistle

The right honourable bailiff Axford, and the esteemed justices Murphy and Tanner. May it please the Court. Oh - sorry, didn't see you there Jack. I write to exhume a 4 year old grievance from the very first session of a much beloved campaign, the misty step grapple with "so much disadvantage". Our fledgling lvl 1 party was investigating a missing professor's ransacked office at a prestigious arcane university, when we caught a mysterious hooded figure (MHF) in hiding. Initiative was rolled, and the MHF took the first turn before we could act to jump out of the 6th storey window, using a winged body suit to glide to safety. My turn was next, and I asked the DM how far they had flown. She replied "30 feet, I guess?", at which point I described my character using his movement to reach the window, then misty stepping 30ft to grapple the MHF. As I understood it, I was using my movement to traverse the room, bonus action to misty step to an unoccupied space that I could see (immediately above the MHF), and my action to grapple a target within my reach (5ft). To my surprise, I was loudly derided by both the DM and my fellow players, who thought my idea was near impossible, and told before I could roll a grapple check, to first roll a dexterity saving throw with (and I quote) "so much disadvantage". I rolled a 14, which was apparently too low, and plummeted, saved only by our bard's feather fall. I took the L, but the incident is still brought up by my DM and party members whenever I come up with a zany plan, as a cautionary tale... Justices. Was I wronged? I humbly place my fate in your hands.

christopher belisle

To the venerable DM's of the court and weird little thing in the corner, I bring you the case of the wrongfully poisoned potion. May it please the court, during the course of my parties adventure through a tower that led to the BBEG, we found a vending machine that had potions that did various homebrew effects. Examples being a potion that granted a +2 bonus to AC against plants, a potion that cleared you of all current effects on you, and an improved health potion, 6d6+6, that had a 5% chance to poison you, specifically rolling a nat 1. During our final battle with said BBEG, I was low health and need to take a potion to not die. While I was rolling out my hit die, our halfling fighter brought up that since he was lucky, should he be able to reroll the nat 1 on the poisoned health potions since he was lucky? The DM said that that was a little too broken because he would probably never be poisoned so he decided to change the ruling so that you got poisoned on a 2 instead of a 1 as I was rolling the dice to see if i would be poisoned or not. Justices, I could not believe the number that had showed up on that dice. For it was in fact, a shout out to the 2 crew. The DM ruled that I was still indeed poisoned despite having just arbitrarily changed the number so that our halfling could be poisoned. So I ask you, do I have a right to be a little peeved at this ruling?

Tish.Tosh

To those illustrious arbitors of donjon justice and that person who reads the cases I offer you the case of the Fey Feaster's Folly: Several years back I ran a campaign with a group of friends that was all about a single village and its surrounding woods. The woods were full of fey spirits and monsters and the party acted as protectors of the village and liasons with the Powers of the woods. With one player, the town's spooky apothecary, we established that he didn't like fairies and would sometimes even eat pixies alla pan's labyrinth. I allowed this because I thought it was just going to be a little flavor (no pun intended). On one expedition into the woods to consult with an orchard spirit, he decided this unique appetite extended to all fey creatures and he bit a chunk out of the head of spirit the party was consulting with. I decided the spirit was (reasonably) insulted and it hid in its shrine, refusing to come out (after a couple failed persuasion checks to console it). The party's was annoyed but the apothecary player insisted it was just what his character would do because we had eatablished that he ate fey. This lead to a confrontation after the session between the player with the fey eating apothecary and the player of the party's cleric that ultimately lead to the campaign falling apart. Was my player justified in trying to eat that spirits head, should I have been more clear during character creation about how much fey eating was appropriate, or were my player's edgy character choices legitimately undermining the game? P.S. To be fair to all parties involved I should note that the spirit's head WAS shaped like a big apple.

APOS

Honorable Supreme Crit justices and the esteemed Baby Baliff Jake, I present the case of the Consequences of a Critical Failure: I recently was playing in my weekly dnd game of keys to the golden vault. This group has been playing together for about 5 months. We got into a small fight with some clockwork automatons and my friend, also named Murph weirdly enough, playing a monk, on one of his first attacks he rolled a natural 1. Our dm then told him he needed to roll damage on his fellow player who was right next to his target. Murph got upset and asked when we had ever done that before. We had not done that to my knowledge ever in our game either. Our dm explained that he ALWAYs has ruled nat 1 in combat as an attack directed towards an ally if they were nearby even saying it would apply to ranged and spell attacks as well. Anyway it was all awkward and hurt feelings, but we finished the session and agreed to reclarify rules in the future and boys gotta cry more you know? Besides an issue of hurt feelings in not clarifying rules for people, I guess my opinion is that punishing someone for a nat 1 by hitting their friend is not really a good storytelling tool. Can kinda kill the vibe. I think it’s fine losing a weapon or something. So I guess I’m requesting a ruling on this DM’s take on punishing a player’s critical fail as fair or what? Thank you for your consideration in this matter. — Lou (not Wilson I just happen to be named Lou)

Tristan Lestavel-Entwistle

PS: I was able to cast misty step as a level 1 character thanks to the fey-touched feat, which gives it to me once per day.

🦋 Merryn C 🦋

To the Esteemed Crit Justices and Lowly Wife Worm Bailiff Emily. I bring you the case of Accidental God Cannibalism. Many years ago, in a campaign with my then-girlfriend and her friends, after we killed a lake monster in a boss battle, one player joked they took the body back to our camp to eat and we all sort of went along with it, jokingly pretending to have a BBQ. Next session, the DM revealed the monster was actually the corrupted divine body of the missing god my Gnome Cleric was searching for. I was distraught. My character absolutely loved and worshipped their god and would never eat her. I immediately sought to clarify the other player was only joking about eating my god, but they double downed, saying they even turned the leftovers into jerky to eat throughout the campaign. I made it clear in and out of game that I wasn't okay with that, but they argued we all participated in the initial god-BBQ, and I just had to be cool with it. After much debate, I managed to convince the table that we had at least not eaten the heart (which I needed as part of my quest to restore her to divinity), but it still haunts me. Justices. Was this extremely weird behaviour and I'm justified in feeling wronged, or do I need to own up to my own part in the god BBQ and let it go?

anna ryan rose

Hello honored and righteous clergy members, Deacon (Dicecon???) Emily and maybe that other guy that’s standing in the sheepishly in the back in a slightly different colored (possibly dirty or soiled) robe. I’m not sure if that means anything religiously but it feels pitiful, anyways, I have a confession. During the pandemic, one of my best friends (at the time) reached out and asked me to join their campaign. I was absolutely ecstatic. It was my first campaign, so my dad gave me his dice from when he played as a child in the 80’s. They are red and white dice with a slightly overzealous font. Everything was going great until initiative when I rolled what I thought was a 19. My character went first in combat and on my turn I rolled the dice and I actually got a 19. Then the realization hit that for initiative I had gotten a 13 and it just looked like a 19 because of the weird font. I didn’t know what to do. This was the first session of DND I’d ever played so I lied and exclaimed “You’re not going to believe this!! I got another 19!” and turned my laptop camera so they could see it. I have no idea why I emphasized my lie soo much but it haunts me, I genuinely think about it at least once a day and I haven’t played with that party in 3 years. I am on my knees in the confession box and it’s a weird fit but I really need to emphasize my desperation. I am begging, please bestow upon me forgiveness or a punishment worthy of my horrendous mistake so I can live free of dice related sin.

Jason Rodriguez

To the supernova justices of the crit and the supermarket bailiff Jarmily, I bring to you the case of Bard vs Dm takeover. In a year long campaign, I play a Half-orc spirits bard named Grotar, and we are now level 6. I have had a great time playing a bard for a long term game, but this case brings forth the Dm's actions with my characters class abilities. It was hinted early on that the spirits that linger around my bard have some ill intentions. Whenever I use my tales from beyond feature, so far, on a 8, 7, 5, or 2, an actual spirit emerges after the dm makes a roll. I gathered the dm has a odds-evens chance that my ability works normal, but with the story, and scenarios we've encountered, it has been a tough hurdle to cross. If the justices could bestow penance to my dm, I would gladly make my half-orc bard continue his path seeking wisdom from an orcish shaman. I await your judgment.

Emily Patton

Ladies and babies of the Supreme Crit, I bring before you the case of Brother’s Girlfriend v. Sister. I play in a weekly campaign with my brother, his girlfriend, and two other friends. It’s very fun except my brother’s girlfriend consistently engages in behaviors that feel like “tabletop crimes” during every session. These include, but are not limited to: * A seeming reluctance to learn her spells and abilities, * Zoning out or going AFK during combat, * Repeatedly casting Darkness during encounters, * Only participating when directly prompted. The DM has to remind her of her abilities each session, and she’s attempted to target enemies that have been dead for multiple rounds (we play on a VTT where downed enemies are clearly marked). Whenever the party needs to make saving throws, we often have to prompt her to roll and re-explain the context of the encounter. When we strategize or vote on a plan, we almost always have to ask her directly for her input, and she typically responds with something like “Wait, about what?” The DM has been patient, and the other players seem unbothered by her lack of engagement. At first, I assumed it was just a case of her being a first-time player, but here's the thing: We've been playing consistently, every week, for over a year now. Am I wrong for thinking these new player hiccups should have resolved by this point? Or am I guilty of harboring negative vibes against my party? P.S. I don’t believe she’s doing this as a bit or to troll us. And yeah, I kind of think my brother should break up with her but that seems out of your purview for now

JesterTheCleric

To the Deacons of Dice Christ I come before you with a humble confession of the first and only time I have lied about a roll as a player. I was in my second game as a player (I had DMed for a couple years before that, and had fudged rolls sometimes so as to not tpk my players, you know how it is). I was playing a human gunslinger named Matthew Beren, the previous Captain of the Hupperdook Specters, a force of sharpshooter rifleists in the army. He went on a few adventures and during one, we fought a gang of were-creatures, one of whom was a werebear. The werebear bit Matt, and I had to roll to avoid contracting lycanthropy. Deacons, I desperately wanted to be a bear with a gun. I rolled high, over a 17, but I lied and said I rolled low, like a 3 or a 4, just low enough to still fail the save with my high constitution. Matt became a werebear (modified slightly to not give me so many resistances in bear form which were over powered), and had the campaign continued, would have needed to do a whole character arc to learn to control my werebear form. Alas, that did not happen, as the campaign fizzled due to scheduling conflicts. I loved playing my bear with a gun, but I know it was undeserved. I present myself to you, Deacons of Dice Christ, to purge me of my sin.

Tyler Goevert

To the benevolent, illustrious, and all too sensual justices, including temporary justice jonk honkwitz, and bailiff Emily who I can’t bring myself to be mean to, I present the Denial Dom DM. I have been playing online for the past five years with friends that I have known for the past 15. For the longest time things were great, but recently I have been butting heads with the DM. I am also a DM of one of the three campaigns we have ran (specifically the campaign prior to the current one). My issue arose in our last session, as we settled in for a long rest in the wilderness near a cave we were going to explore. The DM said only two of us could long rest, as the other three characters would have to take a short rest due to keeping watch. I pointed out that long rest rules account for two hours of watch per person, which visibly frustrated our DM. We have never had to deal with this during a rest before. The DM says “okay, so you guys long rest and one of you keeps watch,” and then proceeds to roll several dice and tell us that all but one of us has been captured without any of our equipment in the night. The next morning, the remaining party member then walks into the cave to free us with no issue. We then met another character that was freed, who came with us to the treasure room and was acting suspiciously, so after several suspect actions my Bullywug artificer cast Ray of Frost to try and slow him down and corner him. He then disappeared! I tried this several more times without initiative ever being rolled, and was told he has Misty Step as a reaction so it would never work. I checked out of the rest of the session and am considering thinking of a reason to leave the group. Justices, am I right in abandoning such a long term group of friends due to my frustrations with one DM, or should I suck it up and accept that our styles may not mesh?

Clam-Sauce the Salty

To the honorable slices: Murph or Nothing, Emily Bobby Baxford, Hannah Cald-Tannah, and the Built Homie; Drake. I present the case of the sensitive penguin taint. I was playing a one-shot set in a homebrew world as a Rock Gnome wizard who had never left his mountain range. During the session we came across a penguin. My character, having never seen such a creature and also having a high animal handling, immediately wanted to befriend it. My DM allowed this, and a friendship blossomed between me and this bird. I admit, I tried using the penguin (named bratwurst) to my advantage a lot, like as a sled, or a pillow, etc. My DM was clearly getting sick of it, which leads to the problem. I wanted bratwurst to slide down a steep hill we had come across, purely because I thought he would find it fun. To my surprise, he had the penguin roll a dex save. Bratwurst rolled a nat 1, and the DM declared he had failed to navigate the terrain and hit his taint on a rock, effectively dealing fall damage to him, thus killing him. I argued that was absurd, and even so, he would have slid down head first, as penguins do. The DM straight up disagreed, moving on and starting to engage with the other PCs. After the session, I talked to him and he laughed and said he was tired of having to narrate the penguin's activities, so he took the opportunity to get rid of it. I don’t think he realized I cared so much about Bratwurst, and I decided not to argue since ultimately it’s just a game, and he is my friend. Still, I ask: was Bratwurst’s death my fault for having Bratwurst take up so much space at the table, or was my DM needlessly cruel? Or both? I humbly await your judgement. P.S. This happened in Middle School. P.P.S. My character later suffered a similar fate, being incapacitated by attempting to mount a horse from a tree. Them taints is sensie :(

Briar_

To the Noblest Panel of Judges in the land of Make believe, and the bailiff-guard that might always be lying or telling the truth. Unsure either way. I had the (dis) pleasure of playing Tyranny of Dragons with a DM and party that I’m still playing with 15 years later. However I hold a bit of a grudge and am looking for an higher court appeal. The final battle. The BBEG is none other than Tiamat herself. Our party (Sorc, Cleric -me, Barbarian and Rogue) are all doing our best and pop off a 1-2 punch that deals 600 damage in 1 turn. Upon Tiamat first round in combat, she unleashes her breath weapon boom DC is 27, and while my Cleric only had a +2, I felt it in my bones I could make it work. And I did. I crit! I thought I would take half damage and still be standing. However my DM ruling was “a crit isn’t an auto success” and my cleric was dead for the rest of the 3 hour battle. She was given a paltry resurrection in the epilogue and a hero’s send off. But Judges, was my cleric robbed of her Crit success in the throws off battle?

Gabagooblin

Forgive me, your honors, for I have sinned. I play a support class in a monthly Curse of Strahd game with basically all new players. Ive run the campaign before so have enjoyed sitting back and just helping the group explore the game and occasionally explaining things on the side while the DM does their thing. In our last session, we all rolled like 100% Grade A Certified Dog Shit against a group of vampire spawn. I was struggling to keep people from going down, and we were all banking on our assassin rogue and his sneak attack damage. However, I realized about halfway through the combat that he had misread his assassin feature and thought it gave him advantage and auto-crits against anyone who hadn't taken a turn yet each round- basically, anyone who went after him in initiative. I knew it was wrong, but even rolling four times per turn (with off hand attack) he was barely hitting and so, in the interest of party morale, I said nothing. In the end we defeated the vampires and the rogue got in a cool finishing blow, but as my CCD teacher loved to remind us, a lie by omission is still a lie. Therefore I kneel before Dice Christ and his holy justiciers and beg for forgiveness.

DowdMusic

To these absolute knobs, May it challenge the court and upset the power they wield. I bring you the case of "WTF High Crit, you got a problem with me?" I have written in in the past for your assistance and all you do is punish me. My players fill up a bag with bombs - my fault. My player brings and OP, roided out, charisma laden God bird to the scrub match - my fault. My players name them selves all Tyler - not only my fault - but justice Murphy says he must make an example of me and creates the first NADDPOD precedent in my name. Furthermore, Justice/ Lowly lowly lowly bailiff Axeford openly stated on record she wished to torment me. I have clearly been targeted and I demand retribution from this kangaroo court. I ask YOU NADDPOLES if this tyranny should continue. Good day. P.S. I don't even like this show.

Necromance isn’t Dead

To the most Honorable Justices and the wiggly, muddy earthworm serving as bailiff, I bring you the case of the interplanar tear. I was playing in a 5e campaign with a group of friends. The feywild is being corrupted by a tear to an evil plane, which is leaking bad guys like a busted faucet. To stop the threat, we had to mend the tear. We snuck and fought our way past enemy lines, made it all the way to the tear… then completely and utterly failed to fix it. If anything, we made it worse. After that session, I said to the group that there was probably no way to fix it. I was just trying to keep the party’s spirits up, but I also did kinda think it was unfixable, since it had been established in-game that the gods had tried to fix it and failed. The DM corrected me and said there WAS a way; we just didn’t figure it out. Fair enough. Years later, the campaign is done. I ask the DM how we could’ve fixed the tear. They said there wasn’t a SPECIFIC way to fix it, but if we’d come up with something “creative enough,” they would’ve let it work. Honorable Justices, we were level 8 at most, and even the gods couldn’t zip that thang up. Was our DM in the right to leave things open-ended, presumably with room for creative problem-solving? Or was our party set up to scratch our heads, flail, and fail? p.s. We tried all the usual stuff for figuring things out in-game, including many different skill checks, asking for help and intel from npcs, etc… but I guess our ideas just sucked ass.

Scarlett B

To the most honoured and venerable justices of the Supreme Crit, Justices Murphy, Tanner, and Justice Tucker's Girlfriend's Ex, as well as the Wife Worm Baliff Evan. I bring you the case of Otiluke's Resilient Death Trap. Our party was helping a princess escape from political instability in her kingdom, and as we made our way into a neighbouring territory, we were beset by assassins. I used a spell scroll to cast Otiluke's Resilient Sphere on the princess so she would be safe from spells and arrows. The DM said "OK, she can hold her breath in there for 1 minute before she starts to suffocate." I was confused, because the spell says "Nothing [...] can pass through the barrier, in or out, though a creature in the sphere can breathe there." which I took to mean that the creature could breathe normally. The DM argued that it meant the nothing, including air, could enter the sphere, so the creature could only breathe the air that was there when the sphere appeared. I respectfully told him that he was full of shit, and the session moved on. Tell me Justices, was I right? Or do I deserve to be trapped in a bubble without oxygen. I humbly await your verdict.

Jacob Parsley

To the Judges and also the kinda cool bailiff because we share a name; One upon a time I played in a game where I played a half orc Monk/Barbarian who was gifted by the DM in one of our games a cup that had the ability to make any liquid as long as it was not magical. At the same time, the groups cleric was gifted an item that could cast the “Wish” spell one time PER character. Our cleric used the wish spell on something selfless but then gave the item to me, and I wished for my cup to be able to make any liquid, including magical. The DM did not say anything at all at the time, and I told him that I would be making a potion of Storm giant strength, a potion of flying, and a good amount of healing potions on a rotating basis. (I could only make one a day). Everything went well until I found myself fighting a white dragon, and rolled a natural one, where my dm said roll my d20 again, where I got a Nat 20. He then told me that my character knocked himself out, and I then failed all 3 death saves. I believe that he did this to get rid of my character. Was this fair to me or should I not have used my wish spell in this manner?

tim.

To Baliff Emily and some other people, I come to you with the case of The Unstoppable Force vs The Immovable Rod I run a campaign that consists of sky pirates in an ongoing war with a faerie empire on floating islands over an abyss. A few sessions ago, the party had to defend a sky island from a monster that could single handedly wipe the island out because of plot stuff. This monster was put aboard a giant ship by the bbeg, and sent careening toward the island. In order to stop its approach, my players did something I didn’t expect. They put an immovable rod in the path of the ship. Now, according to the rules as written, a monster can roll a dc30 check to slightly move an immovable rod, and the rod can only CARRY 6000 pounds, but to me neither of those rulings apply to something running into it. I ruled that the rod wouldn’t break but the ship also wouldn’t be stopped, more that it would damage the ship as it pushed through it. But then a separate problem came up. How do I rule on damage for that? Everything turned out fine and nobody had issue with the ruling I ended up with, but I lay myself at the mercy of the court: Did I, to quote the poets, fuck up?

Rae Weiss

This looks long, but this is actually two cases: one from my players, and one from me, the DM. We eagerly await your ruling. To the sainted and well-aquainted judges (and if it tickles the baliff so pink): I write to you the case of the soundboard ban -- WHICH IS DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHER SOUNDBOARD CASE YOU HAVE ALREADY READ. I play in a campaign on discord where we have taken old characters in failed campaigns and put them in this new campaign. It's a pretty big table (seven players) and my dm is fun and likes to "yes and" their way through sessions. That was until at the most recent session they removed the soundboard function from our chats, because we kept misusing a button that played the beginning of the Dune (2021) theme. Notably, this was mostly used before session. After some negotiation we were told we can get the soundboard back but you only can use it ONCE per session, which later was changed to once per campaign. One player named Charles immediately hit the dune button as a bit. Then about an hourish later, hit a sad trombone as a punchline that wasn't a bad joke. He seemed to have forgotten the rule, but was immediately banned. Our DM described how his character evaporated and disappeared right before his initiative, then banned him from the campaign. Everyone looked baffled but continued with combat. We made jokes at the end but the DM kept insisting Charles was kicked out. The session ended and he wasn't brought back -- at the point of writing this he has still not been brought back to the server. He's being a good sport about it but am I wrong to think he should have been given a second chance or warning? Or is this cruel, harsh justice necessary to upholding order at the table? I await your judgement. To the kind and benevolent justices and that guy they hang out with, I come to d&d by way of improv. My two favorite things to say while dming are "hell yeah you can!" and "why not?" I love to yes-and and tailor my stories to bits and goofs my players come up with. However, as you all know, just because you're lenient and fun does not mean you have no boundaries. Enter the shah halud scream from Dune (2021). We play over discord, and one of my players uploaded this to our soundboard. Judges, it is LOUD. It is LONG. And it is EASILY SPAMMABLE. So, before session 3 of this game, I disabled the soundboard. My players noticed and immediately started cajoling me for soundboard permissions back. I relented, but with one caveat: you can use the soundboard once, and then you're banned. I was razzed for this rule, but stood my ground. Immediately after getting permissions back, our gunslinger (Charles) pressed the shah halud scream. I told him I was writing down he had used his one, and if he used it again he would get banned. Well, an hour later, in the middle of combat, Charles hit the sad trombone button. I kicked him from the server, described his character vanishing in a puff of smoke, and continued combat. Judges, my players are split on whether I am a fair and just god or a cruel and unforgiving monster. I maintain I was clear about my boundaries (and even relented to allow him back after this arc) but they claim that my original rule was vague and he didn't even do the Dune scream a second time. When I asked Charles about it, he said it was "worth it" and when allowed back, he would "shah halud as soon as [he is] able." I await your ruling with baited breath.

Noah Coleman

Hello to the Esteemed Justices and a side-eye the cowardly baliff Jim. I bring the case of the Tortorous Teammate. Back in my college days, I was DMing for a few of my friends as a first-time DM running the Lost Mines of Phandelver. A few sessions in, and one of my buddies asked to join as a first time player, wanting to play an oath of devotion paladin.. What followed were all the stereotypes of a toxic player(describing in-depth torture of defeated NPCs, threatening PCs and engaging in PvP over disagreements, as well as threating to kill our beastmaster ranger's familiar after a fight for taking the loot he wanted). Me and the two more experienced players at the table agreed that all this was too much, but there was one problem. Everyone at this table played for our college football team, which I was the proud captain of. While we wanted to remove him, we didnt see a world where this was turned out well for the team's chemistry, especially with me as the teams leader. In the end we had him change subclasses as his actions didn't much fit an oath of devotion paladin, but all these years later I wonder if I should have done more? So judges, was I right to resign my football friends to a toxic teammate, or did I commit a 15-yard penalty by allowing unsportsmanlike conduct at the table?

MyrMonkshood

To those litigeous hotties in the barrister wigs, and to the half eaten cake next to the gavel, I bring you the case of the AOE spell vs the invisible BBEG. My partner was DMing a high school wrestling murder mystery campaign. The final battle involved keeping the CEO of the wrestling league from hitting a sacred bell with a sacred hammer. A wild magic effect, not on anyone's turn, caused this baddie to go invisible right before our bard's turn. Our bard wanted to cast shatter on him without hitting our very hurt cleric. Our DM said it would be a DC 18 arcana check to place the spell in such a way, even though there was no way the invisible BBEG could have moved yet. This spooked our bard from casting this spell at all! I only complained to say that my DM would see me in court, but we quickly moved on. So here we are. Please allow me to shower him with stale croissants!

Zach

Hear ye noble judges and Murph, A while back I was running a long campaign with a group of my college buddies. I'm the kind of DM that likes to get into players backstories and integrate them into the story as much as I can. One of my players, we'll call him Jack, did not have a backstory ready at the start and wanted to build it as the campaign went on. About a year in he pulls me aside with eager eyes and tells me he finally has a backstory. I'm delighted to finally be able to integrate it and give him some good story. He explains to me that his character was raised by wolves but that's it. He specifically tells me he doesn't want to meet the wolves who raised him, and that he wants it to remain as backstory but he really likes this idea of a wolf human. I nod, a little disappointed I can't integrate it more. We then get to the end of the campaign. I had asked all the players in advance if they were okay with their character dying in the final session, to which they all agreed. We play the final session, fight the big boss, and Jack's character dies. I, in the spur of the moment, had a brilliant idea. Once the final boss dies, without going into too much detail, time would reset to the start of the campaign, with only the players having the memories of what happened. SO I figured why not honor Jack's sacrifice and in this new timeline bring him back as a dog. So he can get a little bit of his wolf backstory! That was the final tableau of the campaign: all of them meeting this dog who is suspiciously similar to their friend Jack's character. This is where it all goes wrong. Apparently this really aggravated Jack. He starts talking to all the other players behind my back frustrated he was brought back as a dog. Eventually the players tell me and I go to reach out to Jack to apologize. At this moment in time, we were getting ready to start another campaign. Jack proceeded to ghost me and I still haven't heard from him since. Fair Judges, did I do something wrong? Should I have asked Jack about the dog thing, instead of surprising him with it? Was Jack right to ghost me? Was it a bad read of the situation on my part? Should anyone be turned into dogs? My other players to this day still joke around about being turned into a dog at the end of campaigns. I rest my case.

Dave M

Honored Judges and Bailiff Axford, whose tie is looking perfectly knotted today I am a warlock in a Descent into Avernus campaign. Early on in the campaign our party had to figure out a way to descend from a city floating several hundred feet in the sky, down to the floor of Hell. I said I could cast Gaseous Form on members of the party and send two of us down at a time before taking a short rest to recover my spell slots and sending the next two (six of us in total). This idea was immediately clowned upon, with my party members saying I wanted to “turn all of us into fart clouds”. We eventually found another way down, but it became a constant running joke that persists to this day, over a year later. However, now that I’m higher level and have better spells like Fly, we keep getting into situations where some members of the party suggest that I could cast fly on folks, to which I usually remind them of how they scoffed at my earlier idea. While they have never been too insistent, I ask you this. Am I right to reject my party’s requests for my hard-earned spell slots? If they couldn’t handle me at my Gaseous Form, do they deserve me at my Fly and Dimension Door? Or am I flying too close to the sun? I await your sound judgement.

Varenum_The_Cleric

May it please the court, the illustrious crit judges, and the baffling part time bailiff part time worm wife. I submit to you today the case of the Shady Gnomish Dogpile. We were playing a Curse of Strahd campaign, with my character being a lvl 8 gnomish GOO warlock/trickery cleric named Peek. Through a serious of poor choices Peek became embroiled in a one vs seven throwdown with some guards, all little weaklings with 1HP. To avoid killing them with magic, I cast Darkness thinking I could use my devils sight to bonk them all on the head with advantage before they could get in too many hits. After 1 round, the guards then opted to grapple attack, which the DM said did not require an attack roll, just a strength check. My tricky little gnome (tee hee) of course got swarmed and overpowered by a tidal wave of goons, all rolling straight. I managed to escape and run away but I still feel like I was robbed of my John Wick-esque fight scene. Am I right to feel this way and that the DM should have imposed some disadvantage because of the darkness, or did this gnome get exactly what gnomes deserve? I await the honour of your judgement and will take my punishment with all the grace of a city pigeon.

Liam K

To the high priests of the Church of Dice Christ, I come before you to ask forgiveness. I recently started a game with coworkers - 4 players including one experienced player and three first-timers, playing in a homebrew world that’s part classic fantasy, part pirates, part Miyazaki. We had a character building session where I told the players to not worry about party balance and to build flavorful characters. One of the new players decided to play a Paladin, focusing on Charisma, and this player decided their Paladin was a bit frail with a 9 Constitution score. I raised my eyebrow, but didn’t advise him to readjust their scores, in part because he was so excited about the character concept. Cut to our first session - a twist on the classic “rats in the basement of the bar” fighting some eel-like monsters that took over the candlemaker’s house. The party easily dispatches the monsters upstairs, and find more monsters in the basement with a couple (homebrewed) swarms. The party comes in confident and, first round of combat, our 9 Con Paladin, with 9 HP, gets hit with a nat 20 by one of these swarms. I roll damage and realize in this moment I overtuned this swarm. I’m afraid to count it up, I’m sure it’s more than 18, and after the players all wait in terror for a moment, I simply say, “You don’t die instantly but you’re unconscious.” The player ends up surviving, and the party clear out the basement, but in the third fight, another swarm crits the Paladin, luckily doing less damage because it was below half health (swarm rules) but still knocking them out. I rolled ANOTHER crit on them too, but I think I gaslit myself into believing it was cocked, committing possibly the worst sin of all - dishonoring the cock. Dice Christ, I fear I have cursed this player, or at least this character, which given their less than stellar resilience will surely spell their down quite soon. I ask that you take mercy on this poor Paladin so as to not kill the joy in this player’s heart, at least not until a good moment for the story. I also ask for forgiveness for my many sins.

Canadian Schubert the Mushroom 🍄

Emily and the Boys, My DM denied seven, yes, seven characters I made for his campaign. Some for decent reasons, but others for truly wild takes. He thought storm sorcerers were too powerful! Nobody plays those! (Except Emily as the badass Saccharina, if I remember?) The most egregious denial was my barbarian satyr, Demetrius, because I wouldn't budge on him refusing to wear pants. He's got fur! It's like grey sweatpants level at most! I love the character I ended up with (Serah Fitzgerald, divine soul sorceress, and coffee magnate) but Emily and the boys, seven is a bit much, eh?

Tyance Schubel

If it pleases the fearsome judges and that terrifying baby baliff i bring to you the case of player NON interaction. I am a forever dm with three players who started very eager in my homebrew world with more emphasis on gameplay than roleplay. Realizing this early i put challenging bosses and gangs of thugs in every city they went to. This i think was my mistake. Im not kidding when i say they have been through three cities and two arcs without once talking anyone i did not force them to. I had built out an entire war starting and although they had to play through it, they did not seem interested in why it was happening. One of my players even did not interact with their hometown and family members which i had built out to ignite the coming war. Judges, i ask am i the moron who keeps overbuilding or should the players have more interest in whats going on around them? I will accept whatever punishment the court decideds upon our cursed overbuilt souls.

Robert Moore

Where are the true believers!? I cry heresy in the church of Dice Christ! My party was blue balled in the most sinful of ways. After 6 different sessions divided up across three months of grueling last minute cancellations, the party had finally executed a daring heist, stealing evidence of plans to blow up the floating magic city (a plot we’d already half foiled). As a member of said party, I thought we’d get a chance to accomplish our goal of saving the other half of the city, but instead, at the party where we were supposed to do this, our DM lets us spend a whole session agonizing over how to set up the fight with the big bad, only to then launch 11 enemies at us with barely any resources left. The DM then immediately cancels out everything we did in the last 3 months by having the big bad shoot a giant lightning bolt into the sky at a bell - something he could have done at any point. We were denied a chance to stop fate after being told that we’d done everything to maximize our chances, there wasn’t even a way to roll to stop the big bad’s lightning bolt or any indication that that’s what he was going to do. I beg for the church’s retribution to be swift, be it deserved by our party, or the one who spun this tale of woe. Sincerely, Humble Pastor Rob

MC

To the fair, resplendent justices and also Jake, I present the case of the Husband Guy. A buddy and I have played in and DM’d various DND games together since high school, and last year he married an awesome guy and they’re very happy - his new husband even offered to run a full campaign for us and another friend, and we were pumped! We’re all having fun and get along well together, but the problem is that my buddy’s husband has started way overpowering my buddy’s character, a Paladin. He has already found ways to give him adamantine armor, the boots of speed, and a +3 sword of sharpness. We are level 2. He also has only had one of his monsters attack my buddy’s character in the last ten sessions, while my Bard gets his ass kicked regularly. Fair justices, I love my buddy and his husband and their marriage - but it’s starting to get demoralizing playing at the table, and the other PC wants to say something, but we don’t know if we should or not, and will defer to your opinion.

BethKF

To the Most Honourable Justices Murphy, Tanner & Hurwitz and the Most Revered Bailiff Axford, I bring the case of the Unloved Barbarian: In our home game we are inching towards the end of Lost Mines. We began last February and, in the 14months since we 3 adventures and the DM have become firm friends and D&D addicts, running LMOP once a week with our original DM whenever possible and frequently a 2nd, wholly original campaign with another of our number DMing on a different night - all whilst DM2 also works away on plans to run Vecna once the current OG campaign reaches a natural pause. But back in our LMOP game we adventurers feel growing disquiet at the noticeably unequal interest our DM has in our party! Namely in that, whilst opportunities for my cleric and our bard to meaningfully develop our characters have been plentiful, days have turned to weeks and weeks to months and still our Barbarian receives nothing like the same interest or enthusiasm from our DM. Very belatedly I have realised that my cleric would have much interest in our aasimar’s wider background and experiences so have concocted a scheme to try to create more front stage moments for him by posing her questions when opportunity arises and then essentially ceeding the floor to him to allow him to speak as fully as he wishes. This should help him bring forward all the backstory and character that he’s quietly worked away on. But we truly are at the business end of the module so our band of heroes have little time to chat, so even this basic scheme is likely going to be limited in impact. Is it just hard for DMs to conjure interest up for stories they don’t feel naturally drawn to? And is there any other way we can help our friend? In mitigation, our DM has definitely had some big RL stuff over the past year. Indeed it’s that, and the resultant anxiety, that meant we worried directly confronting the issue would undermine his confidence. However, the man has proved oblivious to every ‘subtle’ hint, so were we wrong to not directly engage? Please my lords - and your sagacious bailiff - hear our muddle and quandaries questions and bring to them the clarity of justice!

Rebecca

To the bone dry justices and the slightly soggy bailiff, I bring to you the case of the vengeful DM. A campaign I was in about three years ago was coming to an end due to a player moving away. In this campaign I was playing an Elven Warlock named Alanis, as it is a dope ass name and whoever came up with it is quite cool. It was our final session and we were trying to finish up the quest we had been given: take the limestone from a dwarven mine to the nearby wizard to get enough money to pay to repair our town. On the way out, we found a hot air balloon that we launched out of a volcano in order to reach the wizard faster. We ended up crash landing in a nearby field and started hiking back to the wizard on foot. This was, apparently, the wrong thing to do. The dm was furious we weren’t going to the random city we had seen from the hot air balloon and had us take a level of exhaustion because we were “sleeping in a bog” and “the flies kept biting us” This came to a head when we went to leave. My shoes got stuck in the mud. The DM makes me roll to see if I can pull out the boot. I failed so I take off the boots and try to pull them out by hand. This succeeds! Then I put the boot on and the DM gleefully describes me being bit by a spider that had hidden in my shoe in the five seconds it was off and that I was auto poisoned. No roll. Just poisoned. That poison PARALYZED ME INSTANTLY and the DM was adamant that I would be unable to move for the next three days. And that’s….how the campaign ended. A full year of play finished with my character paralyzed in the mud with no story arcs completed. So I ask you this, are there any rules in dnd that say a spider bite can paralyze you for three days or was this decision fully made out of spite? All in all it doesn’t really matter, this is just a thing that will come to mind every once in a while and I’ll get pissed off all over again. I await your response. PS: I have many examples of this dm being……interesting in his rulings but that is a case for another day

Joseph

To the magnanimous justices and assiduous bailiff. My DM set up a quest whereby a vampire cult had infiltrated the city posing as nobles and we were to sneak into their headquarters and ‘deal with their leader’. I was playing a lawful-good fighter and had a slightly bad feeling, but this seemed like a justifiably noble (if unlawful) quest. The quest went well, and thanks to a number of lucky rolls we managed to sneak into the bedroom of the cult leaders undetected. The party’s rogue stabbed them to death in their sleep, which seemed a little anticlimactic and unheroic. After the deed was done, the DM had us all roll additional stealth checks, which I failed due to my heavy armour. Rather than being detected by guards or cultists, the DM narrated how I had awoken the cult leaders’ young children. Then followed an awkward roleplay session where I had to explain to two five-year-olds why I was in their parents’ bedroom and why mommy couldn’t come to the door right now. To make matters worse, while I was floundering in the hallway, the DM was asking my party members uncomfortable questions around how they were going to stop the cult from resurrecting the cult leaders. Judges, I ask; is it fair for a DM to give the bad guys kids? Is it reasonable to ask about the more awkward implications of resurrection? I await your gracious ruling.

Mitch Rhook

To the supreme deacons of the Dice Christ Diocese, I fear I have angered and outright defied Dice Christ in a dismal display of daring dissent. As a first time DM with a table of first time players we were running a pre-made campaign that everyone was really excited to play. We had made all of our characters in session 0 and gathered on a Saturday for a day of DnD. The campaign started with a small goblin ambush to introduce combat and through an unlucky decision to go ahead of the party, and unlucky crits from goblin archers, the cleric went down on his own on the battlefield. He failed his first death save, and as the party engaged, rolled a Nat 1 on his second. I didn't want this player to spend the rest of the session just watching so I allowed the druid to spend a turn administering a good berry, and described as he faded into the blackness of death, a single lifeline appeard as a sensation of a sweet taste, and let him reroll the last death save. He rolled another Nat 1. High priests, Dice Christ wanted this player dead but I am ashamed to admit that wanting my players to live meant I defied Dice Christ again and allowed more good berries to let this player live. It should be noted he did not roll above a 4 for the rest of the session, except on an AOE spell that killed the cool, story context giving NPC they encountered who was a captive of the goblins and close to death. Have I cursed this character to only murder allies? I await penance for my transgression.

ky_rat

Forgive me, Dice Christ, for I may have sinned? During a battle against a corrupt merchant, our party’s bard, Cleira, cast Faerie Fire on the merchant and, inadvertently, on our party’s rogue, Elias. When the merchant succeeded on his save, Cleira used her reaction to cast Silvery Barbs, and gave Elias advantage. Elias asked if he had to use the advantage on the dex save from Faerie Fire. Our DM, Nathan, nearly said yes when I cut in. I said that Elias and the merchant would have made their dex saves at the same time, so Elias wouldn’t have advantage on that roll. (In my head, I thought he was trying to save the advantage on his attack roll against the merchant). Our DM agreed and had Elias make the save flat, which he unfortunately failed. With Elias left vulnerable and glowing with friendly faerie fire, we ended our session. I felt horrible. Fast forward to the next session, where we started on Elias’ turn. He rolled his attack against the merchant and missed. But I quickly chimed in and reminded him that he had advantage from Silvery Barbs. Elias rolled again AND HE CRIT! With sneak attack added, he was able to end the evil merchant!! Justices, I ask you: had I been a table tattler? Was the crit divine intervention from Dice Christ himself? Was that him forgiving me for table tattling? I humbly await your judgement and kinda look forward to serving my punishment.

lizzy with a y

To the beautiful, magnanimous justices, may it please the court. I was playing in a campaign with a group of friends about a year ago. Around six or seven sessions in, the DM said, "I don't really like running combat, so this is going to be a more roleplay focused campaign from here on out if that's okay with all of you." Three of the five PCs were happy about this, as they prefer the roleplay part of the game; myself (a ranger) and one of my other friends (a fighter) were a little disappointed. I was fine to go along because I was a beast master ranger and my animal companion (a hawk named Barley) gave me plenty roleplay opportunities. My other friend, however, was a champion fighter. She asked if she could switch classes to something with more options for roleplay, since her entire character/all subclass abilities were built around combat, but the DM said no. The DM justified this by saying that we had already played enough sessions that it would be weird to change it when her champion subclass abilities had already come up multiple times. The campaign disbanded a few months later (no other combat encounters were run) due to other issues*, but I still feel my friend was wronged and should've been allowed to switch classes to something that had more utility outside of combat once the DM decided to make the campaign more roleplay heavy. Was the DM justified in telling my friend to stay a champion fighter despite not running combat, or am I correct in thinking this was a weird move that just served to decrease my friend's enjoyment of the remainder of the campaign? *In case the court is interested in the drama, two of the PCs who were dating in real life had also made their characters romance each other in a way that was (kudos to our DM) very interwoven with the plot of the campaign. They broke up, didn't want to keep playing romance, and the campaign kind of fell apart around that.

Gagagigo jr

Hello justices, and the great baliff Emily Im here before the court to ask was my dm to hard? I am new to a group of friends who have known each other for 20+ years and it was the first time in a long time i had the oppurtunity to play eager to play i show up to the first session and roll our characters, now i normally dm so rolling characters was nothing new till our dm mention we will be rolling for our hp at lv1 instead of taking the max and adding your con so our party ended like so Rouge 2hp Bard 4hp Fighter 4hp Paladin 8hp The fighter even asked after the dm steppef away if the hp seemed right not wanting to cause any kind of issue i said every dm has there style Surprisingly we survived our first few encounter until we where destroyed fighting pterodactyl like creatures we where all one shoted The dm described us being ripped apart limb by limb so judges was my dm being to hard Ps we where playing the tomb of annihilation Pps, love the show listen to show religously easly banking 1000+ hours yearly since finding you guys mid crick ark

Terra Wayfarer

To the beloved, brilliant justices and the occasionally-esteemed bailiff, I present the case of the Totally Zonked DM. Many eons ago in a pre-pandemic world, my wife and I really wanted to get into D&D, so we asked my friend - let’s call him Kyle - if he would teach us how the game worked. He was psyched, having been playing for 15 years and had often bragged about his own homebrew world. Along with another friend from the theatre grad program who wanted to learn, the 3 baby players were thrilled to start learning from a “highly experienced DM.” We had high hopes, all being in a Theatre grad program, that this would be a deep and rich RPG. Well…we started to notice that while we were playing, Kyle would toke up *a lot* - not usually a problem for us, but we did start to notice his DMing changed when he was high. The lore of the world suddenly changed, the enemy’s armor class and abilities would fluctuate, and even the rules would change. We were baby players, so we just tried to push through. After all, what did we know? But then we started seeing patterns. Kyle would get absolutely blasted before and during sessions over Zoom, and it was like he was stuck in a loop. We met the exact same NPC 4 different times in 4 different locations - a necromancer named Theodore who had a fleet of skeletons as an unpaid labor force for different low-level financial schemes; in the sewers, where they were knitting beanies, in the forest, where they were foraging and sorting berries, in the forest where they were farming, and on the road where they were his caravan. After the second time, we started cracking jokes about Theo before he even spoke to us. Kyle got very upset and flustered, and asked if we had looked at his notes (impossible over zoom). This happened *each time* we met Theo; he had no recall of us meeting the NPC. In fact, he had no memory of ANYTHING. After about the first 5 sessions, he started asking ME what had happened the session before, having never written anything down or planned anything in the intervening days, and had no recall of the session because of getting blackout high. Frustrated with our characters getting nowhere and the rapidly deteriorating quality and content of the game the players were putting so much heart into, my wife started homebrewing her own world and cautiously brought it up to the group in session, offering to run a one-shot so Kyle could play. Kyle leapt at the chance, the most invested he’d been in months. The following week, he showed up with a completely broken min-maxed Iron Man artificer,, telling us, “I’ve always wanted to run this build but no one ever lets me.” He then proceeded to undercut the other players in combat and was a complete dick during roleplay, getting worse with each bong rip. The following week, when we showed up for a session, he logged on amidst a cloud of smoke and told my wife to “Just run it for today. I don’t feel like it.” She scrambled and pulled something together but did remind him that it had just been a one-shot. He proceeded to pull this the next two sessions as well. Finally, fed up, my wife put a Deck of Many Things into the game, knowing he wouldn’t be able to resist. Cross-faded and thrilled at the discovery of the deck, he pulled out *a real copy of the deck* from his bookshelf and proceeded to pull The Void card. To this day, we still don’t know if it was random or he had done it intentionally to cause chaos. Judges, were my wife and I justified in writing off his character as dead and the table as a lost cause? PS: My wife’s one-shot has now turned into a 5 year campaign (with a new group) and a young adult novel series, and Kyle has become infamous with our group as a kind of mythic bogeyman of bad DMing.

ASHNRider

Forgive me Dice Christ for I have sinned. A while back my party was fighting a pair consisting of a sorcerer and a winter eladrin fighter when I made this transgression. To make a long story short, I was dead tired from a real rough week of my personal and work life and didn’t prep as much as I wish I had. I thought I had it prepped pretty well busy as my party fought I consistently forgot the monsters abilities and didn’t put up as good a fight as the narrative deserved. This is where I strayed. After both their hp’s were low I had them morph together into an ooze creature and called the session there while the next week I fleshed out the new encounter. My party didn’t seem upset and didn’t seem to think I fudged anything. The ooze fight went much better and the narrative continued into a solid final fight later. Cardinals of the Crit, I beseech the…. How do I manage this stuff better? Thank you and may the 20 sides roll you to greater heights.

Ayoo Galileo

To the erudite Tanner and Murphy, baby Hurlwiz, and badass bailiff worm wife. Listen, I was supposed to DM. However I conceded my position because this guy was so excited about his David Lynch style campaign. I was excited to play, however session 1 he shows up and says uh actually I’m just gonna wing it. We’re three sessions in, he is never prepared and we have been forced to kill wolves, mushrooms, a possessed kid and listen to his one man show where no one gets to roll except for combat. Is this even D&D? Should he be sacrificed? xoxo

Walt&Pepper

To the delightful and distinguished and the award winning and magnificent bailiff Emily, whom I think has been the only bailiff? I present to you the case of the triple nat 1s. My case today is a simple one, yet it’s left me confused and with a bad taste in my mouth. Last year, I started a new campaign of Ghosts of Saltmarsh with my three roommates and dear friends. It was my first time DMing and most of their first time playing. During our first ever session, I had my roommates roll a stealth roll to secretly discuss whether they could trust a patron at a bar who was offering to take them out in his boat to retrieve a missing item from a shipwreck. They also discussed killing the man and taking his share of the reward money. All three of my roommates proceeded to simultaneously roll a natural 1. I definitely got the DM sweats, I didn’t want my cool PC (a completely hairless man named Smooth Bill) to not be a part of the story, so I made him roll a perception check, which he got a 3 on. Since the rogue had a +2 to stealth, I ruled that he didn’t over hear my loud party. I felt like I railroaded this social encounter a bit and didn’t honor the triple nat 1! My question is this, do nat 1s automatically result in failures, like a nat 20 resulting in successes? In the end, maybe Dice Christ was giving me a message about the fate of the campaign, as it ended due to scheduling conflicts, one of my roommates only wanting to play for one hour max, and issues unrelated to DnD which caused one of our roommates and dear friend to move out.

alli

to the benevolent denizens of the holy church of our beloved dice christ and the highly respected guy who mops the floors, i bring a confession. i recently allowed my pc to die. it was a spur of the moment decision, one that involved a ritual i knew my character couldn’t align herself with despite it meaning her end, and i apologized profusely to my fellow players and dm during and after the event to explain myself (which many of them deemed unnecessary). i rolled up a new pc that same session and am having fun with the new build, even if im missing the potential the other one had. now, here lies the issue. this new character cannot roll for shit. i’ve had multiple sessions where i can’t roll above a 10. we have to do con saves because of the toxicity of the environment we’re in and ive failed every one (across like 4-5 MONTHS of playing this character). the dm has crit to hit me in nearly every session. will dice christ ever forgive my sin of allowing my previous pc to go softly into that good night when the dice did not wish it or am i doomed to ride my bad rolls to the pits of hell where they seem intent to drag me?

🐧lost penguin familiar

That's crazy. And clearly so much more to the story! Lol and why would pants come up in character creation? 🤣 my dm hardly asks any questions.

timweather

To the properly inflated judges and the woefully under-inflated bailiff, Emily. I present to you the case of the Reluctant Murderhobo. I played at a home game with a (too large) group of 9 PCs, many of whom were new to the game. It became clear early on that about half the table was afraid to make any decisions, and they began capturing the last survivor of any encounter and interrogating them for upwards of an hour before deciding to move on. I remained patient at first, but reading the body language of the other half of the group, I began using my Drow Rogue to speed things up, namely by slitting the throats of the captured enemies mid-interrogation, much to the horror of half the group, and the delight of the other half. Judges, I beseech you, was I wrong to put the enemies and, let’s be honest, half of the table, out of our collective misery? Or should I have allowed the new players to continue to take us all hostage? I await your wise and fair judgment.

Jake's embezzlement attorney

To the benevolent judges Murphy, Tanner and Axford and the lovely lovely lovely, lovely lovely,

Austin W

I've typed this twice, and am super anxious being in a public space, but you only live once, right? May it please the honorable peanuts and the mystical baliff; I come to you with the story of how my brother memed the end of my first campaign, bear with me, it's a long one. A few years ago my table that consists of my best friend(barbarian), my brother(druid), and his wife(warlock) began playing through Rime of the Frost Maiden(5e module). It was my first time DMing and all of their first time playing actual D&D, meeting for 5hr sessions every other week, this took us 2 years. They had made an effort to ignore all of the side stories leading to mini bosses in an effort to quickly kill the BBEG and rid the world of Auril, a valiant goal. I introduced the deck of many things into the game after they had completed their greatest combat challenge at the time. I'll admit I knew they would use it to further derail the campaign, which I figured would challenge my ability to write around their insane decisions, boy was I not ready for what they'd do with it. They drew the moon card, which gave them 2 wishes, which they, having found the map of the BBEG's lair, used the first to transport themselves into her resting chamber, and upon arrival used the second to weaken her to a state that they could easily defeat her, and did so. Listeners don't come at me, I understand this BBEG is a demigod, I could have denied this, said the wishes didn't work on her, etc. Instead, I allowed both things to happen. Immediately after I simply stardd at them and asked, "Now what?" They had no idea what to do. They walked outside the fortress, to see the land released from Auril'a icy grip, and was beginning to thaw. At this point I circled them back around to a lesser boss they had completely skipped, and fast tracked his plans to build a mechanical dragon to the endgame where he burns down all the towns they had "saved" (murder hobos have a funny definition of this word) because they had ignored his quest line entirely. So after devising a plan to storm his fortress, breaking an info dump out of prison, and befriending an ancient white dragon to help in the final fight, they began. After stage 2 of the multi session siege I had planned out, instead of moving to the next area to fight the dragon, they began pulling cards from the deck and got themselves transported to another plane, where my brother asked if he could narrate what happens. After deciding together that we had squeezed everything we wanted out of the campaign and this would be the definitive end of the campaign I allowed it. What followed was a very detailed explanation of the opening scene of Skyrim, and ends with the guy in the back of the cart saying, "You're finally awake." Honestly, I was fine leaving it there and moving onto bigger, better things. I guess the only question to ask you, o' divine peanuts is, how'd we do?

Austin W

Oh, did you say brief? 😬

Francisco S.

To the highly esteemed Justices Murphy and Tanner, the glorious Bailiff Axford, and the lowly baby justice james. I bring to you The Case of the Polymorphed Immaculate Conception. A handful of years ago, I was DMing a homebrew campaign for a group of friends. One of these friends - let’s call her Jake - fell victim to a polymorph spell outside of combat and was turned into a chicken. The party decided to simply wait it out until the polymorph ended, and they did this at a local tavern. I had the party roll a group persuasion for the tavern owner to allow a chicken into his tavern (after all, he has a business health score to be mindful of). They failed this not-difficult check due to remarkably bad rolls, which left Jake outside with the other chickens while the rest of the party caused drama inside. In an effort for Jake to not feel left out of fun RP, I improv’d a scene with the other chickens and farm animals outside. Jake was having a blast getting to know these other animals and their stories. Justices… Jake fell in love with one of the roosters. She mentioned how much she admired the difficulties this rooster had overcome, and was fully invested in his happiness and desire for a family. She then asked to roll to see if she could lay an egg for this rooster to have a family, and I said “no”. The table erupted, and after many expletives and a few small thrown objects, I said to roll a D20 and a D10, and this would only happen with a Nat20 and a 10. She did it. The table lost their goddamn minds, and I was baffled. My players began chanting “Jake! Egg! Jake! Egg!” Justices, I did NOT want a Jake Egg. And I assure you, no one wants a Jake Egg. I then realized that Jake was outside for much longer than an hour in-game, and the polymorph should have ended well before this moment. I ruled that there would be no Jake Egg, and my table still begrudges me to this day. So I ask you, the highest court in the land — was I wrong to deprive my table of their Jake Egg?

Slyfox

To the high priests of Dice Christ, I come before you with a confession not on my behalf, but upon my entire party’s. I have been DMing for a group of my college friends for several years now. The party was in the middle of a tournament arc when we had to take a short break before the finale. During this break, my birthday passed. High priests, all of my players forgot this despite several social media posts from mutual friends. I let this go, but Dice Christ did not. In the next session, my players felt the wrath of Dice Christ. They rolled not 1, not 2, not 3, but 7 natural ones. They struggled all night to roll above a 10. Meanwhile, I rolled 5 crits, downing multiple players. The party ended up losing a 6v3 fight, which lost them a critical magic item. High Priests, I ask, what must my players do to redeem themselves in the eyes of Dice Christ? We humbly await your holy judgement.

Doctor Ransom

Good day, may it please the divinely anointed and prodigious justices of the Supreme Crit and bat an eye from the Bodacious Bailiff, Her Lady Queen of the Wormderground. I present to you the case of the Interjecting Paladin. I'm currently DMing a Curse of Strahd campaign and one player in particular seems to grind my gears to a halt. This player is the Paladin and his IRL significant other plays the Cleric, who is a fairly new player to D&D who's learning the ropes rather well. However, when combat breaks out, Paladin loves to butt in on all of the Cleric's turns, "suggesting" what she should do - spoiler alert, it mostly involves casting Spirit Guardians! He barely lets her get a word in edgewise before he tells her everything HE would do as the Cleric, but he is not the Cleric, he's the Paladin! It's become so glaringly annoying as he talks over our Cleric and I feel completely lost as the DM to help her. Justices I plead for your most sagacious and forthright judgment on this case. What ever shall be done to correct this pestiferously peremptory Paladin’s impropriety?

Joey V

Your most Holy Eminences, please forgive me, for I have sinned. In 2020 I joined an online game with strangers, as was the style at the time. I played a kender-like halfling: playful and carefree, providing some occasional comic relief to an otherwise serious campaign, which everyone seemed to enjoy. The sessions were planned for 7pm-10pm (we all happened to be in the same time zone), but over the months our sessions ran later and later, often ending after midnight. I spoke up about it a couple times but no one else seemed to care, so I let it go even though I have an early morning job. The DM’s style was to have extended role play scenes with individual PCs to develop separate backstory plots. Probably an hour into one such intense scene – around 1am – with our party’s elf, I dozed off. Since it was voice-only on Zoom, and most of us were muted during the scene, no one noticed. I woke up near the end of the scene, maybe 45 minutes later. Although my halfling was meant to fade into the background while the spotlight was on the elf, mine was the only other PC in the room. So when the rest of the party wanted to know in-character what dramatic revelation unfolded for the elf the attention turned to my happy-go-lucky halfling. I put on my best squeaky kender voice and said “What do you mean?” The group broke into laughter at my “wonderful role play” and “you can’t trust a halfling with anything important.” Soon after that I left the campaign, as the late nights and extended role play weren’t for me. But I always felt terrible about missing my companion’s big moment. To atone for my sin I have spend that last 4 years as a forever DM, my PCs with cool character moments like the one I slept through. But my past indiscretion troubles me to this day. I prostrate myself and await your punishment.

Andrew Whitford

Dear Supreme Crit Justices and Bailey, I bring to you the case of the polymorph punt. A few years ago, I was in a game where my party was facing off against two frost giants. Our bard cast polymorph on one, turning it into a rat, so that we could focus fire on the other. Once that frost giant was slain, all that was left was this little rat, who had started nipping at the spellcasters that were keeping their distance from the melee. My character was a sorcerer who certainly would not want to be near the giant when it turned back, so when my turn came I did what anyone would do in this situation - I narrate myself punting the rat back towards the melee characters. Instead of the rat soaring away from me, my DM narrates that the rat immediately turned back into a giant as soon as I touched it, and the giant plops down right in front of me. I argued that to kill the rat I would need to have pushed it enough to break its bones, causing it to start flying away prior to it turning back into a giant. My dm wouldn’t budge and kept his giant right next to me. Ultimately I fucked off with misty step and we easily won the battle but I ask you, was my cool move nerfed or was the DM right to keep the giant right where he was? I humbly await your judgement.

Ben Young

Hi Justices! I'm a DM running my first campaign. My party set up a checkpoint to ambush a secretive group of thaumaturgists (science mages) they had been searching for. The ambush was a success, leading to an explosive combat with a giant eagles and gorillas fighting the mages in a forested road until only one mage remained. The last mage was an Illusionist who used their turn to cast Invisibility to hide from the party's sight and scurry away. The party's druid cast Detect Magic in their giant eagle form and flew strafing runs up and down the road and surrounding forest to try to detect the invisible mage. I ruled that the detect magic didn't return any sign of the invisible mage and we ended the session. I had hoped this would be an exciting cliffhanger for my players and add some stakes and momentum to pursue the mage into the city. Instead the players turned around to head to a different settlement and the session ended anticlimactically. So Justices, should the druid's Detect Magic fly-by have worked? Did I make an unfair ruling? I un-humbly await your judgement.

McSandwich

My dearest darlingest judges and the ravishing and multi-millionaire Bailiff, I come to you with a case of utmost import, the Case of the Scary Rats. I'm DMing a 5e2024 campaign based loosely off of Fantasy High, and my party were in an underground city in the sewers facing off against a criminal lord. Keep in mind, they were level 3, FAR below the level I had anticipated they would be when they fought this guy. I had expected them to get beaten up a bit, get scared, and come back stronger later. That didn't happen. They continued to press on, even though they had just gotten the snot beaten out of them. I had even killed their talking sewer gator companion as a warning. When the day of the final battle against the crime lord, a literal Rat King, as in a giant mutated rat with a crown, came, he ran away down into his lair, and the party fought off his goons to catch up. His goons were very strong, including around 9 guards of various strength, three lantern draonettes from Kobold Press's Tome of beasts and two mutated Dire Rats, which were reflavored Black Dragon Wyrmlings. The dragons had very strong breath weapons, which could have easily wiped them out. But to the party's credit, they DID make it through. I did pull the punches a teeny bit, because I wanted to keep the adventure going, but the Fairy Ranger, whose pet Roadrunner and uncle were some of the worst victims of the dragons, ended up getting upset at me, saying the fight was too hard, and forcing saving throws on their high AC paladin nullified his build. The crime lord himself was actually pretty weak, which was kinda the idea, he's a craven weakling who hides behind strong people to protect his sorry ass. Most of the players enjoyed it, but that one crabby player's comments still stuck with me. This has not been a lasting issue, me and the ranger are incredibly close and have been best friends since kindergarten, we're in our late 20's now, so we're all good. But still, I ask the court, was I wrong to make my crime syndicate strong and threatening, should I have toned it down a bit, or should I have made it more clear that this wasn't a fight they should have taken yet?

Ziv like Steve

May it please the Crit and honor the bailiff, who we always respect every week, I present the hot and bothered case of the NPC Affair v. IRL Marriage. I run a homebrew campaign for my partner and three of our friends, in a horror setting where the party's home town was claimed by a Lich in session 1. One player wanted their character to have a wife -- no problem. When they escaped the town from the Lich, most of the civilians were left behind, including (determined by the dice) the wife. Months passed as the party accumulates power, with this player having one driving goal: I must rescue my wife. Lo and behold, last session, they heisted the town and freed all of the villagers, including the wife. Gently foreshadowed in scrys over time were some hints -- the wife was not wearing the ring. The wife was spending a lot of time with the incredibly old and weak village wizard (also a captee). And on an insight check from the party cleric during the heist, it was revealed: the wife has been having a strictly-emotional nonphysical affair with the wizard, and the marital relationship with the player's character is over. The player, who happens to be my wife IRL, is upset that I did this without consulting her. I did not want the NPC to become a docile and loving follower for me to have to juggle once rescued and thought it would be a fun and edgy twist. She felt that her wife was her character's NPC touchstone who, I concede, had been unilaterally stolen. I come before you now: Did I have a duty to consult my player(wife) before having her NPC partner (her wife) cheat on her? (P.S. For the avoidance of doubt, no IRL marital issues--purely tabletop!)

Sam Jones

To the gentle judges and belligerent bailiff Janis. Not a game I played in, but 2 of my coworkers’ game. They were running curse of strahd, and one of them “Kevin” was playing a rogue. There is a mechanic in CoS that the mist SURROUNDING the land is magical and prevents people from leaving and causes you to get lost. This 1: had not been established to the players. 2: isn’t the case for the ordinary mist in the woods One night at camp Kevin decided to “wander off into the mist.” Then he just started rolling dice and said, “okay, I’m lost.” *Rolls more dice* “yep, still lost.” The dm tried to intervene and explain to Kevin that the mist doesn’t work like that, and also, you don’t just roll dice and decide you’re lost for no reason. But Kevin INSISTED that he was supposed to get lost in the mist and it was his own character decision to just, I don’t know, wander off and die alone for no reason. Judges, I present to charges for defendant Kevin. His first charge is halting the pacing of the story with an objectively unfunny and unmotivated joke. His second charge is an accusation of READING THE RULES OF THE MIST WITHOUT DM PERMISSION. There was no way for him to know about the magic properties of the mist without outside game knowledge. He was a fairly new player whom had not played Curse of Strahd. I’m at your mercy. Even Janis’s.

CommonCatepillat

To the Golden Gods of the highest council, thy kingdom come, thy crits be done, and (50/50 chance here so I'll say) Amir. I come to you with a cold case from my youth. THE CASE OF THE PRIMATE V SPIDER At age 13, I asked to be in my brother in law's tabletop game with two other (adult) players. It was a magitech setting where our characters were recruited to be apart of a magical syndacit of people who stop evil. My character, Snap Clackers, was a Nature powered monkey who gained his abilities and sentience after being captured and experimented on. Me and the other players got along and played well off of each other and it was shaping up to be a fun campaign. At the end of one of our sessions, the DM (Brother in law) announced excitedly that there would be a guest who would play a villain next session which excited the rest of the table as well. However, me being 13 and getting shit grades on my report card, I was grounded that week and couldn't go to the session. The next session I was filled in by the DM what happened. Apparently, the guest played an evil spider queen who womped the party and demanded they bring her 100 slaves for her to do with as she pleased and they agreed. My character, who was present while I the player was not, was made to agree with them. You can see how this would be of big conflict to who my character was and, being new to roleplay, I simply played him dispondant and angry for the rest of the session, going against what the party was trying to do that session. The campaign shortly fizzled out due to other factors outside of anyone's control. Judges, should I have been more malleable with my marcupuals morals or was I right to lash out at my party for their decision? (PS. The spider queen session was the 4th session) (PPS. The guest who played the spider queen was my 23 year old sibling. The one who was married to my brother in-law)

Matthew J

To the honorable justices and everyone’s favorite Wife Worm, I humbly bring before you the Case of the Dhampir Mutineer. A couple years ago, our campaign was on a brief seafaring arc to rescue one of the player characters, who had been abducted. In the meantime, the player whose character had been kidnapped played an Artificer who was secretly a dhampir. One fateful session, my Paladin, who had been elected captain by the rest of the party, was keeping watch at the helm. In character, I had to step away for a moment, so I asked the party’s Bard, who was also the ship’s first mate, to take the wheel. The Artificer announced that she wanted to go for the wheel instead, prompting an Athletics check between her and the Bard. The Bard won handily, and he narrated his character casually pushing the Artificer away. The Artificer reacted by biting him with her secret vampire fangs. My Paladin grappled her and tried to get answers before things devolved into full PVP, but instead of answering any questions, she commanded her robot familiar to shoot me in the back. The party then collectively turned on her, and the Bard, who was convinced that the Artificer was a full vampire, finished her off while she was rolling death saves. After tying her up, we cast Revivify on her so we could get answers (and, out of game, to give the Artificer player a second chance with the character). For the next two hours, we begged her to give any explanation about the vampirism or why we should trust her going forward, while she refused to explain herself, apologize, or even acknowledge any wrongdoing (in and out of character). When our characters stepped off to the side to discuss how to proceed, the Artificer tried to break free of her bonds and escape. We knocked her back to 0 HP, and, seeing no other course of action that made sense in character, we ultimately decided to kill her. For additional context, this was not the only time that the Artificer player initiated PVP, but it was the only time that it resulted in a character death. Justices, were we wrong to kill our friend’s character twice, or were we justified in executing an unapologetic instigator? We humbly await your judgment. PS: Regardless of your ruling, if this case is read, I will add an NPC to my home campaign named Junk Hurwitz, with a personality and height determined by the court if they so desire.

Shayla Dang

To the esteemed Justices Murphy, Tanner, Hurwitz, and the beautiful bailiff Emily, howdy :) I present to you the case of the disguised rat king. I am a baby dm who just started a home game with my sister, gf, and 3 friends we met at a cooking class. The game was a murder mystery that revealed a conspiracy involving the cult of balor, secret tunnels and a whole lot of rats. Before the final battle against balor I had my players face off against a conglomerate of rats who guarded the doors into the castle. The conglomerate of rats continually referenced that they served the “rat king.” My older sister and our bard declared in battle that she wanted to cast disguise self to “become the rat king.” I warned her before casting that the rat king was a specific person in the game (a lackey of balor) and not an actual giant rat. I said she was welcome to guess who it may be (although I knew she was likely to guess wrong) but she insisted that becoming a giant rat was what she wanted to do. After casting she proclaimed that the rat king would, “of course have the ability to become a rat,” and that she had just never used it before. Per the rules of disguise self I had the rats roll intelligence to see if the rats could see through the disguise and if the logic made sense to them which they deeply failed. I even then had her roll a deception check to sell the disguise which she rolled a dirty 20. However even with that check I declared that at best the rat conglomerate became confused on why their king had switched sides and was attacking their allies, however they refused to attack her specifically but would still attack other players. Justices, was I wrong for being a stick in the mud and not letting my bard have this creative badass moment as the rat king? Or was I right to halt the shenanigans? For reference (and brownie points with justice murphy) my sister is also the type of player who named her character Dr. LouisVuitton, ruler of the halfings (yes an entire race). She did end up switching to a more realistic character once we really got started. At the end of the day, my sister accepted my decision and we had a amazing finale. The entire table had a blast and my sister will actually be dm-ing next. My sister and I await your judgement with bated breath as we still chat about that moment quite often. (This case was also read and approved by my sister to verify accuracy of said events)

BullywugNugTug

To the justices Tanner, Murphy, and the bailiff Axford, I say hello! To that other guy, I say eat shit from a trough, Pig-Fuck! I bring you the case of the Good-Intentioned Rogue and the Vampire Mentor. At my first ever table in a vampire campaign, I created a human rogue named Leif! Leif was raised by an Orc in the Underdark mines until they were separated.. Real edge-lord stuff I know, I promise I’ve grown! When my DM asked for the age of Orr the Orc, I quickly came up with an age of 66. We found out later that Orcs only live to be about 50. This was a real head-scratcher, until our party reached the manor in which the BBEG resided. Who greeted us at the door but Orr, his vampire teeth poking out from his grin! Our 3-player level 4 party was apprehended very quickly, and separated into 3 different rooms. My character was paired up with Orr, who told Leif that all he had to do was join the vampires and his friends would be released. Here’s where things get dicey. I figured, hell! I’ll get sick vampire powers, have my friends loosed at the first opportunity, and then disobey the vampires immediately and rejoin my party. So I, without hesitation, told Orr, “…ok!” My DM and party were floored. My DM, jaw open, said, “well…… ok then!” Leif was turned into a vampire, then loosed into a room with the other two party members, with his first task being to kill them. Turns out, I was a thrall, and therefore could not disobey my maker without taking damage. This battle turned into Leif disengaging and dashing for his life, taking damage by both his maker and his party members. Party members and players alike were in a rage about Leif betraying the group! Leif eventually escaped, after me in-character begging for his life, with Leif EVEN dropping all of his valuables as an action every turn to give it all to the group. To this day, my friends tell me that Leif betrayed them, even after the countless times I’ve explained how I just wanted cool vampire powers to fight fire with fire. My DM later told me that she expected me to outright refuse, and that we would have all had 1v1 fights, with mine being against Orr. I have to ask, do my good intentions leave me innocent before the court? Or does the blasphemy of becoming a monster outweigh good intentions? Your phone has zero bars. P.S. Jim, you know I love you, right?

TidyTingz

To the honorable seekers of serenity, and their bailiff protector of Italian virginity; I appeal the case of “Disarmament” before you now. To preface, we were a year into our Wildemount campaign that I was DMing and one of my 4 players (We’ll call him JT) who was already on his 3rd PC by session 15 at level 5. We both worked hard on ALL his character’s homebrew, backstory, and fun story hooks as the characters arose. JT’s 1st character was killed while murder hoboing in a dangerous part of town after multiple opportunities given to simply flee. JT’s 2nd character was short lived as he played a rogue for 3 sessions on a side quest and then wanted to try a different character, so I gave this character the opportunity to play the hero and save the party while leading away a horde of undead. Which brings us to the issue character at hand, JTs 3rd character, a grave cleric named Klaxton. Klaxton was possessed by a dark force that made him chain himself at night. JT was adamant about rolling every long rest to see if the evil inside would take over his during his unconsciousness. After some close calls on previous long rests, a newly found evil magic dagger antagonized his inner evil to new heights. The party worked to quell his possession after he escaped his shackles during one long rest of rolling very poorly. This lead to JT stealing the cursed dagger from his party before being trapped by them in a magical net. At the risk of losing another character I gave the party the option to knock the possessed Klaxton unconscious, but things soon escalated “out of hand”. The party decided to disarm JT of the dagger, but as it was cursed and “once wielded could not be dropped.” Our party proceeded to cut off the unconscious arm of JTs 3rd character only to find the dagger teleport to the off hand… YOUR HONORS, even after a dismemberment of an unconscious PC, my players were not convinced the evil was pacified. Our sea-elf paladin pierced his heart with a trident, and our rabbit folk wizard dragged the now dead and net-trapped, bleeding-out body of JTs character, and threw him over the nearby ravine for good measure and the cursed dagger gone with him. Death saves be damned, there was no way of recompense for the evil I had witnessed at my table that day. I had no words of comfort for JT after the decisions made and decided to end the session early. JT has since rolled his 4th character, a blind tortle monk, but we’ve both lost the will to incorporate him into the campaign story to develop an arc like the other party members. Gracious arbiters of wisdom, please tell me; Is JT justified for his solemn (but noticeable) resentment toward us, or is there something I’m not doing well enough as the DM to keep him from being the forever support PC. I await your sovereign word.

Erica B

Most Graceful Judges and the Only-Slightly-Less-Graceful-But-It's-Still-Super-Noticeable-He's-Just-Not-In-The-Same-Class Bailiff, I bring before you the case of the Unnoticed Command. My players were setting up to ambush a caravan carrying stolen goods they'd been sent to retrieve. As the DM, I knew they would need a few minutes to plan, so I set the map before them and hopped up to go use the restroom. When I returned, they told me they were pushing a giant boulder into the middle of the road and then hiding in the surrounding terrain. I said great and had them all roll Stealth checks, and a couple of them were quite bad. But, I had also said it was pouring rain (obscuring vision and sound), so I decided this would not be an issue for them just yet. Nevertheless, the caravan approached and stopped at the boulder, just as planned. While the party tried to determine which cart held the stolen goods, I narrated the caravan leader and a couple of henchmen trying to push the boulder out of the way. This is when the paladin pointed at the caravan leader and said, "Grovel," casting Command. This surprised me, but I thought perhaps I had missed this part of the plan while I was peeing. Regardless, the caravan leader made his save. When the party didn't do anything in reaction to this, I then narrated the leader walking back to one of the carts and having a brief conversation with another NPC - after which the NPCs scanned the surrounding terrain, spotted the badly stealthed PCs (not the paladin), and immediately cast a fireball on them. Combat ensued. Esteemed judges, the issue is that, as I was describing the NPCs talking, the players began speculating as to what was happening. One of them asked, "does he know you cast a spell on him?" To which the paladin replied, "no, he doesn't know." At my skeptical look, the paladin clarified, "well, if someone does know if they've had Command cast on them, then I wouldn't have done it." As I continued to furrow my brow, feeling I had now come too far (and that the caravan leader absolutely knew someone had tried to cast a spell on him and was now on alert), the paladin threw up their hands and said, "but you're the DM!" Judges, the battle that followed was fun, but it tasted sour to me, especially when a couple of PCs went down early on and the paladin's player regretfully apologized for causing battle to open so unfavorably. We did look up the rules for Command, and though it doesn't explicitly say so, it seemed clear to me that someone would know if a spell had tried to enchant them like that - and if it had succeeded, the caravan leader would have known that he had been ensorceled into dropping prone. But my players said no, and that he could have just thought he slipped in the muddy road. So now, I ask you, oh wise ones of the Supreme Crit: Should the paladin have been able to cast Command on an NPC without that NPC noticing, or was I correct to interpret that as a foolish mistake and promptly drop a fireball on them? I await your judgment.

Lucas Peterson

To the honored Judges of the Court, and the Big Baby Butthead Bailiff, I present to you the case of The Hungover Hound. I have been playing in a Beast World campaign, a third-party setting that features many playable species of anthropomorphic animals. (We're furries, we know what we're about.) Our party had seemingly cleared out a dungeon, and decided to party in celebration back at camp. I play a corgi druid who isn't very good with people, so I narrate him getting about a cup-and-a-half of wine in before excusing himself and turning in early. The other party members end up throwing a bit of a rager, and the DM decides that they wake up the next morning with a level of exhaustion due to the hangover after a failed group save. I thought that I would be okay, but he then informed me that I had TWO levels of exhaustion. I asked why, and he told me I had drank wine, and wine is made out of grapes, and grapes are toxic to dogs. I thought it was just a goof, but then we were suddenly attacked by over a dozen goblins and hobgoblins. We decided to flee from the ambush, but due to my speed being halved from my extra level of exhaustion, I was quickly caught up to, pummeled into unconsciousness, and dragged back to the dungeon. Thankfully, my party quickly rallied and was able to rescue me during the next session. It turns out that we had missed almost half of the prepared dungeon due to missing a series of secret doors, so I even accept the DM probably just wanted to use my capture as a motivation for the party to go back in and see what he had prepped. However, his METHOD continues to bother me to this day. I wasn't aware that I was even taking a Dog Poison Pop Quiz, with dire consequences if I failed. It would be one thing if he was consistent about it, but this remains the only time "realism" in this area was ever applied. Am I in the right for feeling like his sudden attention to real-life detail was at least a LITTLE arbitrary and bullshit? Or, was it a justified bit of quick thinking to accomplish his overall narrative goal? I humbly ask the Court to render judgment, and administer punishment as needed.

Zman

To the lowly, lowly, lowly Justices and the esteemed Bailiff who deserves most of the credit, I present to you the case of the Mysterious Man. Some years ago I played a DnD campaign run by a buddy of mine in a grim dark campaign with a homebrew setting. My party and I would travel throughout the world doing quests of a morally grey nature, such as hunting down bandits who were only trying to feed their families or finding unholy relics. All of this was done at the behest of a mysterious shadowy man that would appear in front of our characters, seemingly at random. Whenever this shadowy man would appear, all of our characters would become held in place, unable to move, speak, or do actions of any kind. The man would then gloat about his intelligence, insult our characters, then give us coins that we later found out were slowly cursing us before sending us on the next quest. When we hit level 5, my DM buddy decided we were strong enough to resist the magic of the shadowy man and could now talk to him. The next time the shadowy man came while we were staying at an inn, we attempted to ask him why he was having us do these quests and what his grand plans were, but he continued to insult our characters and give us no information. My brother and I decided we'd had enough of this guy and that if we were now strong enough to resist his freezing ability, we could take him on in a fight. Low and behold, after we attacked the man he revealed himself to be a Lich, who then proceeded to Finger of Death our Paladin and Power Word Kill our Rogue. My Ranger and my brother's Sorcerer both tried to run away through the inn, but the Lich chased us down and cast a scaled up Disintegrate at the Sorcerer, killing him instantly. Instead of dying at the hands of the Lich, I decided my character would use the Necklace of Fireballs he had to take himself and the Lich out. I cast the Fireballs on myself as I ran at the Lich, killing my character but not the Lich. At the end of the session my DM buddy said the Lich was supposed to be the BBEG of the campaign and didn't think we would all be crazy enough to attack the clearly more powerful shadowy man. We argued that we thought if we could move then that seemed like an indicator that we could fight him if we wanted. The campaign ended that night and we never played it again. I ask the Justices because I have to and the Bailiff because I want to, did we mess up by attacking a character clearly to powerful for us to take on? Or did my DM buddy set himself up by putting the BBEG so close to us and making him clearly antagonistic? I accept any and all punishment.

Chazz

To the honorable justices, and the effervescent bailiff Axford. I present the case of the great rat slaughter of 2025. I DM for a party of 4 of level 8 players, in a mad max meets epic fantasy campaign. Recently the party has been having difficulty with a faction of mutant rat folk, and needed to fight their army with their own allies. Using similar battle rules to Naddpod’s for two clashing armies they went to war with the rats. What was supposed to be an epic showdown between two clashing armies quickly turned into a massacre in the party’s favor. They killed over 100 mutant rats (with kobold stats) in the first two turns of combat and barely took any damage, using a combination of magic items, fireballs, and cleave rules. I narrated how their allies began to celebrate surviving the battle, but the players were all silent until the fighter spoke up “we just murdered 100 sentient creatures.” The party was collectively horrified at the devastation they unleashed on an army of kinda evil rat men. The Druid jokingly asked why I made them do that. Justices, was I in the wrong for designing this encounter? Were my players wrong for not thinking to pull back any punches? Was Murph wrong for giving me this idea?

Rose

Honorable clerics of Dice Christ (except for the one dishonorable cleric, you know who you are,) I come to you bearing the burden of guilt, with a confession that I may have killed one of my player's interest in my game along with their character. This took place years ago. Two of the PCs in my West Marches Survival game came to me wanting to go on a mission to retrieve some dinosaur eggs from a jungle for diplomatic reasons (long story.) Importantly, everyone involved knew that this mission would be dangerous, and my campaign was known to be unforgiving. Both players proposed the session with this full knowledge. During the session, the two PCs were ambushed by a wounded T-rex and plunged into a very dangerous encounter as they tried to escape with the giant eggs they had found. (the rex was wounded and nerfed but the players were each level 3.) As the fight went on one thing became very clear: If one player stayed behind, the other could get away with some eggs - but if they both stayed, both of them would surely die. After much consideration and strong emotions, they decided that neither of their characters would leave the other behind, and both characters perished alone in the jungle in an incredibly sad and dramatic moment. The rest of the players merely heard after the session that the two had gone off on a mission somewhere and would never be heard from again. Of course, as to the structure of the campaign, they both introduced new characters for next session, but one of the players was not the same after that. She was more curt and reckless, and eventually dropped the game entirely. When asked, she said she wouldn't have changed that session at all, but I still can't help but feel that if I had not killed their characters, her interest would not have slipped away. Your Holinesses, may I cast off my guilt and simply enjoy the great dramatic moment we had? Or should I have done some DM flexing and found a way for the characters to escape the Rampaging Rex, even if it would have lessened the tension? PS, before leaving the campaign, this player even drew a comic and made a custom spotify playlist about the moment when those characters refused to leave each other in the jungle.

Brock

To the Noble Clergy of Dice Christ! i come before yall not with a confession, but with a question because no matter what you decide im still gonna keep doing it. So i have a pretty common learning disability; dyscalculia which makes even the simplest of math problems embarrassingly difficult and uncomfortably long to figure out especially during something you wanna keep fast paced like combat. Unfortunately im also cursed with a pretty bad case of Murphism and can often go through whole 4 hour sessions without rolling above a 10. So to combat my awful math abilities i’ve started using Dnd Beyond to roll my dice which will automatically add up all my damage or proficiency bonuses. However i have also noticed now that im using an online roller im rolling astronomically better, and critting multiple times a session! So i ask the church, do i walk with the dice devil now that i have strayed away from physical dice and prevent the other players from hearing the click clack everyone keeps talking about? or am i just being blessed by dice christ through the power of the internet? or have i finally killed god with my machine? ps hate the show and ive never listened to it and if i did, it probably wouldn’t help me laugh when im at my lowest

Luke Wilson

If it pleases the white-hot judges and the why-not bailiff - may I introduce the case of Jaguar Johnny, the PC who has has never been hit, and never missed a shot. Our story begins when the DM tells us he is running a very deadly one shot, so we best bring overpowered characters to the table. Comedic character conceits are also encouraged. With this in mind, I create Jaguar Johnny. Johnny is a hyper-serious gruff and tough human battlemaster fighter, as well as a staunch flat Faerûner and magic denier. In the first combat, I shoot my crossbow, and do not meet the creature's AC. The DM announces how Jaguar Johnny misses with his shot. It is at this point I correct him, and introduce my character's jokey flavour. Canonically, Johnny never misses a shot, and has never been hit by an enemy. When he "misses" a creature, he is actually hitting them but failing to do damage (IE striking a shield or armor). When he loses HP, he is not getting hit, but instead getting fatigued from the battle. My DM vehemently protests that it is unfair for JJ to be an untouchable bad ass who never misses. I respond that "flavour is free" - Johnny follows all the rules of DND, so why can't I flavour him however I want? It’s silly and preposterous, we were encouraged to make funny characters. My DM argues: "Flavour for your character is free. But if your flavour is that all the other PCs suck compared to yours, now you're flavouring their PCs!” The debate rages. Other players also have stupid jokey character concepts for this one shot, and they have no problem with Johnny's flavour. The DM responds that he is a player too, and he doesn't enjoy that flavour. Ultimately we compromise, and that day is the first day Jaguar Johnny suffers the ignominy of missing. But our beef continues to this day. The DM roasts me to other players, calling me a problem player. Am I entitled to my free flavour in this one shot, where silly comedic characters are encouraged? Or is describing your character as unhittable + with perfect aim, even as a joke, a dick move? I throw myself at the mercy of the court.



bretpop

To the most honorable Justices of the court, and the pearl of a Bailiff, I present your the case of a wizard and her pearl. I being a lowly level 2 wizard has been looking everywhere for a pearl worth 50 gold to use the spell Identify, to my luck, my group randomly rolled the magic item Pearl of Power, being a magic item my DM agree it would work as the needed component for the spell, but he ruled i can't use the pearl of power's magic affect that day if I use it to case Identify. While I'm just happy to have my pretty pearl, I do think it a little much to make me deside to either use this for a spell or it magical orginal use. So my dearest Justices and pearl of a Bailiff what do you rule?

Samson

Forgive me Deacons of Lady Dice, for I have sinned, and sinned hard. About 7 years ago I ran my first campaign - a homebrew game about plane hopping that lasted a year and a half and was a great success. This brings me to my confession: I fudged every. Single. Roll. Not a single roll was honest, I just decided what number would be fun for the moment and went for that. Sometimes, I didn't even roll at all - I just pulled a number or consequence out of my ass went with. I don't regret it, however - as I say, the game was a success, so the story from my mind palace was clearly pretty great. However I do roll sincerely now, and recently I've been rolling not so great, so if you could just throw some absolution my way, that'd be really great for me. Cheers, love you guys, Sam

mick chesse

Hey Emily, still waiting on that Cash App payment, anyway now presenting the case of The Absentee Advisor Me and my long term D&D group founded a D&D club in high school! We taught the basics and ran one shots, and the freshmen fuckin’ loved it. Sadly tho, the only teacher who agreed to host the club, was (fake Name) Mr. Tanner. Mr. Tanner ran a few other fairly cool and important real clubs before he agreed to do ours, despite his obvious disinterest in anything we were doing. The issue was, he only showed up about half the time. On the off chance he even showed up, he would just spend the time loudly playing TikToks on his phone. He would even sometimes leave us locked out the room wasting our extremely limited club time. One day, as classes were wrapping up, the principal announced over the loud speaker that our club was cancelled for the day. Judges, I had art class with him earlier that day and he said nothing. Should we be appreciative of our art teacher for making time and taking a chance on us, or should we be peeved because honestly he did nothing for us at all. By the way Emily, Cash App is still preferred but Venmo is fine too. Love you, bye <3

Armis

To the angelically ascended justices and the delightfully devilish bailiff, I bring to you the case of the double instant kill. I was in a game with some friends back in high school. We used a lot of homebrew back then, specifically for classes we'd find online. I was playing as a huge juggernaut with high hp and ac, and my weapon was another PC, who was playing as a living weapon. We fought a bunch of bandits inside of a cave, one of which was much stronger than the rest, but we didn't have much trouble, and I dealt the killing blow. A demon appeared before us after combat, wondering who killed their champion. We were all playing evil characters, so thinking this could be an in, I said it was me, and everyone else in the party said so too. The demon proceeded to cut my character and everything I own into cubes, including the living weapon PC. No save or anything. She then went on to say she needed a new champion. Flabbergasted, the other PC and I left the room and went home. Justices, I ask you, should I have tried to say anything in response to this, or was I in the right for packing up and leaving right there? P.S. I have found a new group to play with since then, and everything has been going pretty smoothly since.

2fastBicurious

To the most honorable justices Murphy, Tanner, and my burpless brethren the baby former bailiff. . . Blake, and of course the lowly wife worm, May it please the court and give you all the most supreme crit. ;) I'd like to submit the case of the quiet Kenku. My table was running a home brew campaign and we were getting close to finding and fighting our BBEG. Our party included a kenku, Crowbar, who played by the mimic rules that he could only repeat words and sounds he had heard before. The BBEG was hidden away on another plane and to get to him, we had to enter a cave full of grueling puzzles and traps to reach a portal. We barely made it through alive. At the end of the cave, our DM announced that we would be silent and communicate only in written form or telepathically, (though no one one in our crew had the message cantrip). We were presented with a written riddle (think "speak friend and enter" style puzzle). Part of the riddle was solving for the answer, the other part was determining who could say the answer. If we answered wrong, or the wrong person spoke we were told the reaction would be TPK bad, and we were very weak already from the cave. We sat around the table passing notes, and determined the answer to the riddle was "Onomotopoeia" and the person to give the answer was a choice between either the youngest member of our party, or the physically smallest member of our party. The problem? Crowbar was both. Crowbar vehemently insisted there was no way he would have heard the word onomotopoeia before and therefore could not speak it. Our DM knew going into this that Crowbar was both the smallest and youngest and seemed to be gleeful about our predicament. After several pleas to both the DM and Crowbar to try to find a loophole we conceded we could not solve the puzzle currently. I suggested we take a long rest, exit the cave, teach Crowbar onomotopoeia, rest again, and come back, as it seemed the only solution. In the process, we ran out of potions on the way out, and on the way back our cleric, the party's only healer, went down, and she failed her death saves. My hexblade warlock attempted to call upon my patron for help without success. In the end only 3 party members of our 6 member crew, including myself and Crowbar made it to the end concious. Crowbar triumphantly said Onomotopoeia and the gate opened. Our session ended feeling empty and hollow. In real life there was a fight after the session. The players expressed we were upset at Crowbar for being so stubborn and at the DM for intentionally putting us in this situation. Crowbar argued that's how his character has always been and we shouldn't expect him to change because of a bad in game situation. The DM argued that we could have been teaching Crowbar words throughout the campaign before this so we wouldn't be here. I said it was an intentionally obscure word and we had no reason to teach it. Our DM laughed at me for being so upset, so I got up and left with the cleric, saying we were going to start a new campaign. Later, Crowbar texted me and said I had overreacted to a simple difficult scenario, and that if that's how I reacted when things didn't go my way, then no one would ever want me in their dnd party. I feel justified in being mad, but wonder if I didn't react too strongly. So I come to the mercy of the court asking, was I wrong to take the Murph response of "find new friends" or was my DM being unreasonable? I humbly await your judgement and accept whatever punishment I may receive.

Anastasia W.

To the inexorable crit justices and delightful bailiff, I present the case of Druid-Based Animal Products. The Druid at my table has themed his character around being a chef. We get a kick out of the food he describes such as “Pickled Crickets” and “Backpack Mushroom Coffee”. However, the group began to theorize on how, since he was a Druid, he could wildshape into a cow, produce milk, and then use this to bake. This led to a nearly half-hour debate where my players demanded Druid eggs and Druid Milk and even Druid Wool while I desperately held my ground that it would not only bring up too many ethical quandaries but also break the economy. I throw myself at the mercy of the Crit. Should I let them milk the Druid?

eggos

To the Most Honorable and Least Bribeable Supreme Crit Justices and their noble Bailiff Axford: I present the case of the Paid Party Pooper. I recently played in a one-shot through a paid event. The tables were randomly assigned. My table's story involved a lot of puzzles and social roleplay leading up to the final (and only) battle. The buildup was a lot of fun and we were excited to destroy the big bad who had just betrayed us. In the first round, another player who was 2nd in initiative took an action that effectively neutralized the big bad. The DM seemed caught a little off-guard and eventually conceded that the big bad was neutralized for this round, after the player argued (possibly correctly) that it should have neutralized the baddy permanently. (It was Dispel Magic on a construct, in case that's helpful for the ruling.) The remaining players took their turns as expected. The big bad's turn was spent attempting to un-neutralize itself, but it failed its check. For their next round, the player cast an area effect that made it impossible for the big bad to recover, but also made it almost impossible for the rest of the party to do...anything. In the following round, the player did seem to recognize that and dropped the effect. The rest of combat was fun and we enjoyed the end of the session. I personally admired the moves that the player took -- mechanically, it was a clever play. But it felt like the winds were taken out of the sails a little bit after their first round, and it seems like a move better suited to a longer campaign than the end of our one-shot. Justices: is it ever the right move to immediately shut down the final boss in a paid group of strangers? I'm a pretty veteran DnD player, but this was my first paid game and was the first DnD experience for some of the other players. I humbly await your ruling, and Crit bless Skaldova.

Nackery

To: Hon. Justices CC: Bailiff I hope this case submission finds you well. My case concerns use of the spell Suggestion. (At this time, please take a WIS 14 saving throw.) In our Curse of Strahd campaign, I’m playing as Nackery, a selfish Hexblood Bard with Warlock tendencies. While traveling across Barovia, we ran into some haggard peasants asking specific questions about one of our npc allies. Sensing danger, I cast Suggestion to… well… suggest that the peasant interrogator tell us who wants them to find our friend. Through quite a bit of back and forth and a retconned answer, he eventually told us it was Strahd who sent him. He then turned into a werewolf with his friends and tried to kill us. Though he gave us the answer, the DM told us later that this circumstance would not pass in the future. He believed the werewolf would know that Strahd would kill him for divulging the answer, thus constituting direct harm. Personally, I felt that could only be indirect unless the response immediately killed him. Expanding Suggestion to these indirect scenarios would make it an incredibly difficult spell to use. And as a bard who had just leveled up, I was stuck with it. It already has a fairly low bar (WIS 14, which you probably passed at the beginning of this case). It also includes highly specific examples of what you can and can’t do. I don’t argue that my DM (who is GREAT and I APPRECIATE!) can make house rules, or even that the spell has the potential to be disruptive, but I’m curious who you think is right? Would Suggestion need to cause immediate and direct harm to auto-fail? Or would putting the person in eventual, possibly unknown harm’s way be enough? I anxiously await your response. Warm Regards, Nackery

YourAnimeDad

Supreme Crit Justices, Bailiff Memily, I submit before you a case of DM drunk with power, literally, I present the case of the Drunken Power Gamer DM(As read as the southern humble lawyer voice, don’t have to would be nice though) Now I may be just a humble, home game, thoroughly satisfied D&D5e enjoyer but despite that very true fact about me there is an encounter that weighs on my mind now that our multiyear campaign has come to an end. (All level 20 characters, wonderful sendoffs, etc) Our cavalcade of adventurers and NPCs journeyed to a secluded Prison Island to purify the land of a Shadowfell curse that befell an Ancient Silver Dragon. Our Plan was to reach its horde, sate the Cursed Dragon’s unending appetite with a magical feast long enough to expel the curse dwelling within it, or at least weaken it. Through lots of amazing critical skill checks and lots of research we managed to pull it off. For the better part of 3 sessions, we tangoed with this cursed dragon and finally knocked her out. During this 3rd session we could sniff another phase cliffhanging a Shadow Dragon born from the malice of the plane itself, but we weren’t ready for the DM to get accidentally sloshed during the next session. 4th session began smoothly but quickly our DM had one too many delicious adult beverages and it began to influence the DMs actions. Usually its funny and keeps us on our toes, but multiple beloved NPCs had went down, multiple PCs were on the brink and low on resources, and HE KILLED MY HUSBAND NPC! Our rage never got the satisfaction of bringing down the Dragon as he “uses the shadows to move 120ft away from the Paladin” and so on. Judges though I may be a simple PC in this game, I ask, at what point do we cut off the DM and ask for break so we can reach a satisfying climax to an encounter months in the making? And should DMs be allowed to drink or imbibe, I say, imbibe the demon’s milk? I humbly, and hospitably await your fair and just judgment.

eisa almazrouei

To the Honorable Justices and the soon-to-be disappointed in me, Chaos-loving Bailiff Emily Axford, I come before you with a heavy heart and a humble plea in the case of The Cabin Turned Tower. I built a layered, lore-rich encounter crawling with undead. The setup: a cabin by a cursed lake, holding arcane theories about the source of the aforementioned curse. The place was booby-trapped to explode if the research was removed from the cabin. The encounter was to be Lore, CON Save against the Lake's curse, wave of undead. Rinse, Lore, repeat until the theories have been discussed. The party arrives… and instantly starts scheming. They want to leverage short distance teleportations and dimensional magic against the small size of the cabin to avoid all consequences! In a moment of desperation, I made the cabin… a tower. Your Honors, was this an unforgivable railroading? A DM's sin of scene control? Or was I justified in preserving the encounter I lovingly stitched from fear, lore, and necromantic spite? The shadow of their past chimera-aided escape from an encounter still admittedly looms over me. With trembling respect, and a stack of now-used undead statblocks, I place myself at the mercy of the Court—and fully expect to be roasted by the Bailiff.

Uncanny

To the ever merciful justices and the ever dependable Bailiff Hard Jake Shorts. I bring you the case of The Wasted Wish. I’ve been a part of an online campaign for almost 2 years now. We were a party of 4 and one DMPC. At the time I was playing an Eladrin Rogue/Wizard. My character was a part of the Thieves Guild and stole a book that was actually some sort of prison for an ancient black dragon. My character was now cursed and couldn’t get rid of the book without getting an aneurysm so he did what the book asked him while looking for a way to prematurely cut ties to this book. At some point the DM puts a Deck of Many Things I’m front of us through a Bag of Holding which was stolen by the DMPC. I drew one card only and I got The Moon card. I then rolled a 3 for the amount of wishes. I used the first 2 wishes for the party, but I used the 3rd wish to end my curse. The DM made me roll the percentile die 3 times and asked me to call high or low before I roll. I only got one roll right and my character instantly died. The DM said that the Wish did cut my connection to the book, but there were side effects that ended up hurting me. The damage was so high it killed me outright. Judges, I ask, shouldn’t a Wish just a give me what I want without having to roll for it and WITHOUT KILLING ME or was what I was asking for too much? I patiently await for your judgment, Uncanny

Sozysoz

To the irrefutably honorable justices Murphy, Tanner, fellow lover of fighters Hurwitz, and the wormiest of wives Emily, I present to you all the case of the stolen Holy Avenger. Me and my table are currently playing Pathfinder 1e, an evil campaign using the published adventure path Hell's Vengeance. So far the game has been rad as hell, and I have no serious complaints with the campaign, dm, or fellow players. The issue I present is based on a singular encounter, where after clearing a fortress of knights and gathering loot before we departed to the next step of the adventure the dm had us roll on loot tables from the dmg. I'm playing an anti paladin, which is exactly what it sounds like, an evil paladin. As a martial I'm extremely loot dependent. So when I rolled a 98 on the item table I jokingly asked if that meant I got a Holy Avenger. The dm scoffed and looked up the table. After a moment of silence he said "why would they fucking have this?" under his breath. Another player asked to see what I rolled then started laughing. I had indeed rolled a Holy Avenger. I was stoked, the Holy Avenger is a mediocre weapon for any other class, a +2 sword; but for a paladin it is +5 and grants the wielder spell resistance and the ability to dispel magic. A sword meant for paladins the one time I was playing one! The dm then looked up the item and said it was too much to give to me. We're level 15 and the adventure path only goes up to 17. In a previous campaign using the 5e rule set he gave one to the player that was playing a paladin at the time and we were level 12. What he ended up giving me was a +3 unholy weapon, which while cool was only a marginal upgrade to my +2 weapon and felt like a bit of a slap in the face since he honored everyone else's rolls including a player that rolled a 100 and received some crazy mirror that traps people or something, that the player then immediately sold. So I ask the court, was it wrong for the dm to not honor the dice when he asked us to roll on a loot table?

Jack Burns

Hello Honorable supreme Crit Justices and the lovely bailiff Emily. I did a one shot with my usual group, minus some people but adding my beautiful wife to be. I created a one shot oceans 11 esc scenario where the PC’s were hired to steal a magical lamp from a billionaire CEO who is actually a shapeshifting dragon. But my confession is that after the first game we kinda didn’t finish the one shot and decided to have another game later on. But lately I’ve been using AI to help me write a better story for my players. Am I in the wrong for using an AI generated story then coming up with an original story on my own? Keep in mind I have a full time job and it took the AI like 20 minutes. Thank you and love your guys!

KnickJ

To the honorable justices and the once lowly wife worm, now emerging from her coccoon as a lovely bailiff butterfly. I present the case of The Maimed Misogynist v. The Peeved Party. I'm part of a weekly campaign with friends-of-friends. It’s been great, until one player introduced his second character: an arrogant Goblin named Andrew Tate... He’s intentionally short, ugly, and awful, and while the player claims it’s satire, he still plays him straight, forcing us weekly to justify why we don’t just feed him to the worgs. Recently, after one Tate-ism too many and a punch thrown at an Orc forewoman, I snapped. I burned a 2nd-level spell and 3 sorc points on heightened spell to hold him in place, and then invited said Orc to go to town on him (played by the DM btw). When he finally saved, I hit him with Silvery Barbs. The beatdown continued, and when he saved again, well.. Silvery Barbs. Justice was served… if not entirely party-approved. Now, he went invisible and sulked through two encounters, forcing us to fight waves of enemies a man down. While the table mostly enjoyed the comeuppance at the time, I feel I may have silvered my barbs a little too far. I’ve talked to the player, and he seems to get it, but nothing’s changed. So, Justices, I ask: Should I suck it up and roast him with RP like everyone else? Or am I justified in throwing the classic “it’s what my character would do” right back at him?

Tonglin Dangolier

To The Honorable Judges and the Bailiff, who either sucks or is my favorite depending on whether or not we're pro-bailiff today, I present a tale of hubris in which there are no heroes. We were in the final stretch of a game that I had been running for my brother and his two friends, all playing Homebrew classes. The party was outside of a building surrounded by a Romero-esque horde of undead. The paladin player insistined on a frontal assault, confident that they could defeat hundreds of zombies. I admit that I should have just said no, but I allowed it because neither of the other two players objected. The subsequent combat took 4 hours in real time, and left everybody exhausted both in-game and in real life, and only managed to cut a channel to the front door. At the next session, after finally gaining entry to the building, the paladin player stated that they were basically useless without third level spell slots to cast Spirit Guardians, and escaped on the back of the rangers pet hyena. The other two were quickly overwhelmed by the next encounter, so the ranger cast jump on himself and invisibility on the fighter, my brother, and then jumped east to a nearby rooftop. My brother, playing a custom fighter class he created himself after playing the game for less than a month, jumped out of the west side of the building and tried to circle around, dying in the horde despite his invisibility. It was depressing, anti-climactic, and still a sore spot between us. I beseech the judges, who was in the wrong? The overconfident yet cowardly paladin, the poorly built fighter and his inscrutable sense of direction, or was it me, for letting the situation get out of hand? I will accept any punishment you deem necessary, as long as it's not the episode gimmick.

PineappleLiar

One addendum I must make is that the Medusa battle was not plot relevant. The party was in a teleportation accident that ended up with us in a fight on a random plane; the DM could have picked almost any type of enemy for us to fight, and chose a medusa.

Eric Callahan

To the perfect Judges and the okay I guess Bailiff, I am the DM for a spelljammer campaign. While exploring a derelict spelljammer ship, the party came across a mysterious man that was stranded in the wreckage. His name was Benoto. I had plans for Benoto to become a helpful member of their crew after they saved him during the salvage. Within a few minutes, they had killed Benoto because he was a Vampirate (a real monster in the spelljammer books) and his story was kind of sketchy. The biggest problem however, was that I forgot to give him the silly Italian pirate accent I had planned for him, and just ended up talking like a normal guy. Judges, were my players in the wrong for killing Benoto so quickly? Or was his death my fault for not giving him a funny little voice to indicate he wasn't a real threat? Sincerely, The Poo Poo Bandits in Portland

Dylan C

To the Most Honorable Justices and the Cool Cool Bailiff Emily, I have been playing dnd with the same group for about four years. Our usual set up is three players and a DMPC to help balance the party. One of our players was really new to dnd when we started so we tried to go out of our way to cater to them. We let them drive the party choices most of the time, we regularly bent rules that were too complicated for them, and we had to institute a no pc death policy since they found the idea of their character dying really upsetting. This special treatment has persisted to this day. Recently we finished a campaign, and that player asked if he could try DMing a one shot before our usual DM started a new campaign. We agreed, and he told us all to roll level 7 characters. As soon as we started playing it became clear that our Interim DM had not prepared. We were supposed to spend five nights in a haunted hotel, fighting the monsters. Instead we were subjected to a long, incoherent, and confusing shopping episode in the town around the hotel. This happened multiple times and stretched the “one shot” into six sessions. When we tried to go back to the hotel at night to fight the monsters, we were not allowed to fight them. They instead made idle threats but ran away and vanished once the party tried to fight them. And we got the feeling that the Interim DM didn’t have any stat blocks prepped. We tried to be patient since this was the first time he was DMing, but then came the final fight. Despite telling us to roll level 7 characters, he had us fight: a bone devil, two nagas, four skeletons, and four ghasts all at the same time. He kept targeting my Paladin because I was the only one with healing abilities. He never attacked his own DMPC, claiming that he “forgot he could do that”. The fight resulted in a TPK where only his DMPC survived, and the DM was both smug and gleeful about killing all of our characters. Judges, I know that DMing is difficult, but was this unreasonable? He literally cackled when our characters went down. I humbly await your verdict. [Emily, please wait until the moment you think it’s funniest to reveal this] PS: Our Interim DM is my 10 year old nephew.

Foxicorn

To the esteemed justices of the High Crit and the unsteamed crabster of a baliff who looks like that guy from Monopoly (unless it's actually the High Sweetie Baliff Emily reading this, in which case please strike the previous comment from the record), I present you with the case of the Undeceivable Lycranthropes. In our last session, in a town primarily populated with werewolves, an NPC bartender offered our party's bard information for his personal quest if he caused a disturbance at the local opera house. When we attended the the performance, the bard (in disguise and hidden) cast Major Image to create an illusion of an assassin, whom we had previously encountered and knew to be working somewhere within the town, up on the catwalk. The DM ruled that all of the guards immediately saw through Major Image without needing to roll for it. His justification was that the bard would not be able to properly replicate what the assassin would smell like to a werewolf because the bard himself was not a werewolf. When the bard said, 'then can I have made her smell like blood?' the DM ruled that the sudden scent was too strong and because it appeared so suddenly, the werewolves would have still automatically known it was an illusion without rolling. Other players also argued in the bard's favor but the DM stuck to his original ruling. The encounter was ultimately underwhelming and the mood dropped at the (digital) table. Multiple party members expressed frustration at this ruling, especially since it's not the first time the DM arbitrarily gave his NPCs extra abilities out of no where to avoid a player-initiated encounter, and the bard said privately to a few of us that it completely killed his interest in his PC and he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue playing his character, or even playing in the campaign, if his primary bag of tricks was just going to be dismissed like that. Your honors, I ask you, was the DM within his right to decide that werewolves are automatically immune to illusion spells, since it is his game, or was the bard (and multiple other members of the party) in the right for expecting him to follow the same rules we do? We await your ruling with dog-like humbleness. Thank you.

Matthew Harvey

Esteemed judges and the ballin' bailiff, I bring you the case of the Wind Walk nerf. I was a player In a game with a very rules heavy DM. We all loved the game and his rule-heavy nature was a boon, not a issue however the Crit hit the fan when one spell broke his game slightly. We were planning a castle raid and the resistance we met gave us a list of tasks to make the upcoming coo easier. One task would have taken a lot of in game prep time since it was travelling multiple days away from the city to accomplish it, meaning we likely couldn't complete the other tasks before the coo, the idea obviously being we'd have to prioritize which defenses we wanted to weaken. However the party had access to a necklace of pray beads that let us use the Wind Walk spell, meaning we travel 30x as fast and aconplish this errand in one day easily. The DM however, forgetting this item, then quickly said we could travel twice as fast but not the 30 times as ruled by the spell. I protested lightly but ultimately folded, following rule 0, but would I have been right to object futher? Espically with a DM who notoriously uses spells exactly as written, with little wiggle room or altering effects?

Petr Louda

To the Honorable Judges of High Crit, to the erudite Bailiff Emily, and to the non-celebrity guest Jake. A couple of months ago, after getting repeatedly emotionally wrecked by NADDPOD, I joined my first ever DnD group, which I found through Discord. The group's description stated that it was newbies-friendly, and that it split its focus evenly between combat and RP - exactly the type of group I was looking for. I created my first ever character, a half-elf Wild Magic Sorcerer named Feno, and was immensely excited to delve into the realm of Dice Christ, Nat 1s and Nat 20s. Sadly, both the group and I found out quite early on that I *sucked* at improvising. When interacted with, I couldn't really draw the line between my and Feno's personality traits, I wasn't able to devise funny or super interesting spell interactions on the spot, and the interactions Feno had with both NPCs and the other party members were bland, as I simply wasn't able to roleplay to the degree we all wanted to. The DM and I talked about it, and they said they'd try to help me learn to improvise a bit more with some special solo sessions aimed at RP. I was very grateful for that, and tried to prepare as much as I could. However, right before the next session the group had planned, I was informed (by the same DM) that due to my inability to RP well enough, the others don't want to play with me anymore, as they "imagined someone different", and further informed me I had already been replaced. Esteemed Judges, I am well aware of my shortcomings, and I was very willing and happy to work on removing them. Am I right in thinking that I was treated a little unfairly, and should've been given a chance, provided that the description specifically mentioned it was friendly to newer players? I humbly await Your judgement. P.S. Special hi's to Bailiff Emily from the Czech Republic!

beckthebold

May it please the court: I bring you the case of the Accidental Polymorph Murder. I DM for a group of close friends and we’re nearing the end of a two-year long campaign. Recently, my PCs visited the niece of the BBEG, a 20 year old elven beauty queen named Kendriel, after discovering she had a major role in an upcoming ritual to re-forge a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire. They had just determined that Kendriel had no knowledge of her aunt’s plot and was being magically charmed to ensure compliance, when agents of the BBEG burst into the room and attacked. During the close fight that ensued, my party’s druid asked if she could use Polymorph on the niece to try and get her away from the bad guys. She did well on a Persuasion check and I thought it was a cool plan, so I ruled that given the NPC’s charmed and suggestible state she would both agree to the Polymorph and also follow a basic instruction. Kendriel was turned into a bloodhawk and flew out of an open window as per the party’s instructions. Everything was fine until a round or two later, when I knocked the druid down to 0 HP. The party healed her quickly and I didn’t think anything of it until the druid pointed out that falling unconscious would have broken her concentration and, unfortunately, the abruptly un-polymorphed Kendriel should be plummeting to the ground. I panicked for a moment trying to figure out the appropriate falling damage. I had already established that the window was about 30 ft up, but I figured that with the instruction to simply "fly away," the polymorphed NPC would probably have flown higher like a regular bird would. I told my players I would leave it up to the dice and roll a luck check. Judges, I rolled a nat 1. I informed my party that the bloodhawked beauty queen had flown straight up. I then rolled more than enough falling damage to kill her instantly (she had basic noble stats). The party had the means to cast Revivify, but decided to flee given the state of the combat (and noting that, technically, they had thwarted Kendriel's role in the BBEG’s plot). However, I could tell that my players felt bad. They like to avoid unnecessary violence and have made friends out of a number of monsters & enemies over the course of our campaign. Although the last few sessions went well and they all seem excited for the end of the campaign, I still feel a bit guilty. Wise judges and even wiser bailiff, I ask for your ruling: Did I push my players towards this arcane avian atrocity? Or are my players guilty of Polymorph Murder in the Third Degree? I await your ruling. P.S. For the bailiff — I was at the D20 show at MSG with my partner who doesn’t play DND, and she especially loved “the one from Staten Island” who she said has good energy. :)

Luke G

Thank you bailiff Axford. To the honourable Justices Murphy, Tanner, and …Jay Kerwitz… i think? I bring to you the case of MY loot that I made for ME!! A few years ago i was playing in a campaign, DM’d by my housemate at the time. One day while he was prepping, he asked me if there were any magical items i was interested in. I asked if we could homebrew something that would allow my aarakocra shadow monk to use his flurry of blows at range. Together we agreed upon a set of gauntlets that could rapid fire shuriken in place of punches. Cut to the end of the our next session and the party stumbles upon some loot. There was one item for each party member, each intended for their respective class. Eg a spell book for the wizard, a bow for the ranger etc. The DM described my cool gauntlets and another player excitedly called dibs. In character, I suggested maybe my I could make pretty good use of those. She responded somewhat dejectedly with “but i got them first”. Now out of character I explained that i literally designed them for me. They’re intended for my character and one of these other things is meant for you. I got my thing and she got hers, but she seemed disappointed, additionally this is almost certainly meta-gaming. Judges, was a i wrong to meta-game and insist on getting my tailor made loot? Or should i have stayed in character and let my gauntlets go? Love, pooki

Andy W.

What-ho our most Supreme of Crit, have I a story for you. ‘Twas nary two weeks past that my dwarven ranger did barrel roll into a dungeon full of creepy statues with glowing gems in their mouths. Being of sound mind and body he cast the spell “find traps” to see if any mischief was afoot. The spell was read aloud and the DM assured us all that no traps were present. Dutifully, the party approached a statue, inducing its gem to light up and deliver a message. After decoding the message my dwarf naturally took out a small chisel and started to extract the gem. It exploded. Now, I argue that my spell should have given warning if the gems were rigged to blow, but the DM countered that their initial purpose of the message superseded their ability to explode in my face. I took my damage without further argument but no longer shall I prepare “Find Traps”. Bailiff, do you believe that I should have been warned of traps in the room? Judges I would also consider your opinion. If I am accused of being a looter I would like it to be known that our party was sent to this dungeon with the instruction to “strip it of as much wealth as possible”.

jacob brewer

To the most honourable bailiff Emily and the dudes in the robes if they want I guess I ran a full level 1 to 20 campaign with a lot of homebrew one of which is the base of my case today, one of the homebrew rules allowed our necromancy wizard to cast certain healing spells. At level 18 the wizard got the ability to cast a 1st and 2nd level spell like a cantrip I think you can see where this went he was able to heal for 200+ hit points per minute it turned some of the final combats into a slog of hit points. I have started a new campaign and now a different player wants to play the necromancy healing wizard and I’m unsure if I should allow this homebrew again so Emily I ask your advice and if the 3 others are there they can chime in I guess.

Cargbeaz

To the Esteamed judges and the great dirt wriggler wifeworm bailif emely: I bring you to you the case of the Nickontreversey. I Have been dming a game for my sister and two of my friends. We are all new to playing dnd i am the only one with some familiarity with it, so I volunteered to dm. We have been playin in an inspired world from one of my favorite podcasts and everything has been going great. I had no hiccups about the rules. I have been extra prepared for most scenarios, but nothing could have prepared me for this. At some point in the story, my party were in a bit of a scuffle against a handful of possessed Aasimar and one of my players who is playing a rogue (les call him josh) was trying to fend off one of them. Josh's rogue has had some history with Aasimars in his backstory, so he didn't really wanna take the more nonlethal way of fending off a possessed person and instead opted to attack the individual with his daggers, which was ok with me. He took his first attack then his second attack with two weapon fighting and i thought that that was it but then he piped up and said: " I have one more attack cause of nick". That had me abit confused cause doesn't nick and two weapon fighting take a bonus action? so i proclaimed they both requare a bonus action each but he retorted that it is a differant thing and it should work so i just let him have his extra attack cause i didn't sour the mood for my sister who is new to all this nerd business, and i thought the end of it but far from it. He has been dishing out three attacks at lv 4 up untill now which is just as much as our monk can do. Your honors, I ask you, was i within my right to think that nick and two weapon fighting couldn't be stacked, or was josh in the right and should he keep on stacking nick and two weapon fighting. We await your ruling as humbly as humanly immpossible . Thank you. P.S. I have checked everywhere i could to see weither stacking of these 2 is possible but to no avail.

Calic Tolentino

Nick doesnt stack. Its not a double up to a third attack as a bonus action. It says specifically in the 2024 rule book. Nick is there to free up your bonus action

Cargbeaz

Aah ok good to know

Venguard

To the omnipotent crit justices and the illustrious herder of cats Bailiff Emily. May it please the court, I bring forth to the court the case of the Back-Alley Pursuit Turned Perilous. I run a campaign for my twin (fighter) and two friends (warlock & paladin). The party had just arrived in the main location for the arc and found themselves the proud owners of a new pair of speaking stones, but not for long. Two young pickpockets had snagged the stones and were making a break for it. This led to a chase scene, that proved a little frustrating as I was rolling well and the players not as much. After a couple of rounds, my brother decided to try and intimidate the thief by shooting an arrow towards them. I was excited as I was hoping for a new approach to the chase; I said to roll for attack and that would effect the intimidation check. Nat 20! I forwent the intimidation check and narrated the arrow zipping right past the ear of the thief, startling them, and stopping them in their tracks. Effectively, skipping one of the thief’s turn. What a great move, right? Unfortunately, our warlock of the group decided to attack the startled thief, against my weak plea of “are you sure about that?” I had plans for the thieves to be integral to the arc, and so with the agreement of non-lethality, the younger one was knocked out with the older one turning antagonistic to the party. My brother was visibly upset. He argued that he shouldn’t be on bad terms as his attack didn’t actually land and was just trying to stop the kid. I reasoned that the other thief wouldn’t be able to tell the difference and would group them all together. Meanwhile, the other two members were teasing and joking about what had happened. Both of them had also advocated for lethal damage. It was already late, and I had planned for it to end around here. We called it a session, but afterwards my brother and I debated about the events that had occurred. Since then, we’ve moved things along no issue, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. Justices, did my thief overreact to seeing her brother being shot down or was this just an unfortunate series of events? I place myself before the mercy of the court. P.S. my brother, the warlock, and I all listen to the show and will adhere to any rulings and punishments.

EverythingsBetterWithCheese

To the most esteemed and honorable Judge Murphy, Judge Tanner, Bailiff Axford, and that other guy with the 70s porn star mustache, if it pleases the crit, I present the case of the Ball Bearing Break-Up. I’ve been DM’ing a campaign with friends for over a year. We were at a pivotal point that I had been planning for months, a huge boss battle in the sky above Neverwinter, with the players riding dragons. The Wizard (a power player/rules lawyer) was using Animate Objects to pummel NPCs with ball bearings. This spell has always been a thorn for me as I find it to be OP. On his turn he used his bonus action to move his balls out of the way of his dragon’s breath weapon. The dragon used its breath weapon and the Wizard then wanted his balls to go back in and attack. I said he’d already used his bonus action and that he couldn’t send them back in. He then asked to retcon his bonus action so they could attack before the breath weapon instead. I brusquely replied that I hated the spell, and refused to retcon it. Without saying anything more he rage quit the game, killing the vibe for the rest of us with just a few turns before the boss went down. After, the Wizard sent the group a message saying he was taking a break from D&D. I heard from another player that the Wizard felt I had been unfair with him previously. I was super bummed to hear this. I love my players. I try to encourage feedback and want them to feel comfortable voicing concerns. I even sent out a survey. I regret how I handled the disagreement in the moment, but I’m also pissed at the Wizard for basically ruining the end of the campaign arc. So I ask the court, did I wrong my player? Or was it he who dealt me the more grievous injury? I humbly await your judgment and will accept any punishment you decide.

Knightowl

The case of the awkward anniversary. To the powerful judges Jake-murph, Jake-ford, Jake-well, and the namelees baliff. Please hear my plight. my co-worker came to me asking If I could DM for him and his partner for there 1 year anniversary. We spent our lunch together amd i explained d&d as they have never played before. I lightly pushed for a one shots and we landed on honey heist. My co-worker came up to me and said that his partner had a D and D group and my coworker wantes a more traditional D&d expwrience. So we spent Tuesday's lunch asking a bunch of questions he did nit have answers to. Ehat level character was your partner, he asked me if we could play that Saturday. We settled on Saturday at 1 PM. I gave him my address. And I spent the rest of the week designing a simple tradtional one shot amd incorating what inside jokes i knew about them into the game. Designed them two new level 5 characters so they had more time to play. Then promptly cleaned my entire house for guests. Saturday came and went. No one arrived and i ate the snacks i laid out for dinner. Sunday at 8 PM. I get a phone call that my co-worker and his boyfriend's entire d&d party of 7 people were on their way to my house. I promptly told them the abosulutley not. We spoke for a while he was not happy but ultimately i told him the door would be locked as we both have work at 6am. I think i made the right decision. Judges....Was I wrong? Should I have let my co-worker in my house? Should i of run a brand new game in the fly of 9 people at level 14? Did i ruin their anniversary, or dodge a bullet?

Darkrisky

The Daddy Killing Patron To the incredibly badass judges and the awesome baliff Emily (I’m sorry, I can’t be mean to Emily. Have you seen how awesome she is?) I give you the case of the patron-less daddy killer. There’s a lot to this case so I will keep it as brief as possible. I played a sea elf fathomless warlock of a noble background with a surfer/stoner vibe and a distrust of authority. She’s at a school to get away from her overprotective parents who sent her there with a necklace of sending. (I have explicitly said to my DM I am excited to play this class and that I did not want an evil patron.) During their adventures, my character was given a flute by an evil entity. Not wanting the responsibility, she destroyed it. As she did, her patron began to scream into her head something about freedom and “destroying all the sea elves”. Concerned, my character decides to use her necklace of sending to call her dad to ask if he knows anything about her patron. When she contacts her dad in a FaceTime-y way, her dad screams at her that she has doomed her whole city by destroying this flute. Turns out that destroying the flute resulted in her patron being released from the plane her city elders were keeping it. A tentacle then rose from the water and skewered her father. (Keep in mind my character saw all this in a “Facetime”.) My character ran to the headmaster of the school to get help and he opened a portal to her home city which was being destroyed by my character’s patron. Suddenly, my patron got sucked into the sky without any explanation. My DM then turns to me and says I’ve lost all my warlock levels and had to choose a new class! He stood there smiling at me waiting for my answer. He was surprised when I said my character killed herself and then I quit the campaign. He quit DMing this campaign after this because he “got bored”. So I ask this of you judges, was I wrong to be miffed and should have waited to see where the cool storyline he supposedly had planned went or did I have every right to be upset? I await your humble ruling. PS sorry if this confusing. I had to condense a lot.

Marley

Dear judges (and beautiful baliff) I write to you concerning the case of the TPK. Our party was playing a game of Vampire the Masquerade and having a great time. One of our main players was out that week (college game), and unfortunately he was 90% of the party's impulse control. During this session, while we were investigating a swamp, one of the other players purposely antagonized and threatened the god in the area (a giant crocodile). Needless to say, we all died horrible deaths - I myself was entombed in the walls of my own Opera house. The player who was out that week returned to a TPK. Due to the fact that his character was a vampire and hadn't technically been a part of the god-antagonizing, the DM allowed him to play the same character in our next campaign, set 40 years later. Judges, I ask you this: who was at fault? Was it the player who antagonized the god? Was it the other players, for not physically dragging her away? Or was it the DM, who gleefully took revenge on us all? I await your judgement.

Captain Positivo

To the jovial justices and the World’s Wormiest Wife, I come to you with the case of the Blink-proof Beatdown. I play in a long running campaign with 4 of my oldest friends from school (we are all in our mid 20s), and I love this campaign dearly. That being said I would love your take on whether I was wronged during a boss fight we had a while back! We were level 5 and fighting a home brewed Shadow-Demon. I play a Hexblade Warlock and had cast Blink on myself at the start of the fight, hoping that I could keep hitting this demon and pop out to the ethereal plane. After a long fight, I managed to crit and let rip an eldritch smite for 70 damage oppa Onyx style. As I had no movement or bonus actions, I went to end my turn and told the DM I was going to roll for my blink and hit an 11, just making the threshold to successfully blink out. The thought of walloping the demon and blinking out delighted me, so I asked our DM whether I could narrate the moment. This is something he lets us do from time to time but to my horror I was met instead with an “I have something to narrate as well…” Our DM then gleefully described my character bringing the hurt down on the demon, which triggered a Bloodborne style transformation at half HP which came with a burst of necrotic energy. I reminded the DM that I had cast blink and would have a chance of avoiding this damage at the end of my turn. This started a drawn-out back and forth involving all players debating the wording of both my spell and the DM’s ability as written in the statblock. In the end it resolved that this happened before my character could blink and she went down with the fight ending shortly after. It was still very cool and we all love each other dearly but I cannot help but feel that I was slightly robbed of the perfect ending to an already cool moment that I had. I throw myself at the feet of this infallible court and await your verdict.

Trickonometry

I present to you the case of the Above Board Rolls, Accidental Mammoth Instant Kills, and the WoW-inspired Salty Response. I’ll get straight to the alleged crime in question: I was running Rime of the Frostmaiden, and, on session 3, I ended up skewering two level 3 PCs on the tusks of an Awakened Wooly Mammoth. The fight started with the Mammoth charging the Gunslinger Fighter, rolled a Nat 20, and, with the doubled damage, took the PC to EXACTLY negative their total hit points - they were instantly killed, no death saving throws. The fight continued, with the mammoth and the party trading blows. When the Druid started to run away, the Mammoth charged them. And crit again. And the Druid went down to less than negative their max HP (by 1 point). The Crux of the Issue: Due to the setup of the game, where I was sitting on the floor and the players were on the couch, I couldn’t hide my rolls! As someone who made clear in Session 0 that I believe that danger leads to real stakes, and real stakes make the victories that much more thrilling, I figured that rolling above the board (and hiding stats/prep notes on the floor) wouldn’t be an issue! Unfortunately, that also meant that I had absolutely no way to just nudge the damage back by 1 or 2 to keep my players from instant death. After that session, when I offered to give an in-game reason for the Druid to be brought back to life (with some consequences), the player just shrugged and said, “No, I’m just going to play Arthas. Like, the Lich King from WoW.” And then that group never played again because that player was “never available” when we tried to schedule another session. I no longer make all my rolls in front of players (though I have had a couple casualties), but to this day the former Druid occasionally will make comments in our ongoing group text about how he believes fudging rolls is something all DMs should do and that PCs should have plot armor. And yes, Murph, I already have found other people to play with than this guy. My question, judges: Was I wrong for not pulling punches on my players, or was the once and future Arthas just taking the crit worse than his Druid?

TrashCritical

Esteemed justices and the other one I come to you with the case of the worst game I have ever played. Justices I am not making this up . A friends cousin said he would host a game we got a whole gang of six together for it and went in with high hopes as cousin claimed he had run many games. I had also played and ran many games and was the only one at the table who had out of the group. We do some lighthearted roleplay and randomly stumble into getting all the different weapons from the seven deadly sins anime with insane stats for like level three characters. My barbarian is the only one who could lift escanors axe and our mage gets a straight up orb of annihilation. She had almost no idea what it was or how to use it and the dm didnt explain it in depth. I only chime up when she tries to touch it saying it might be dangerous because that damage could straight up kill her character with the low hp she had. We get into a fight with modified icewolves from the bbeg wizard. He says they are modified to never need to recharge their breath weapon. . . He uses it three times in an enclosed space with all of use and everyone but my barbarian died who tried to save someone and slipped on the ice and died prone. He claims that we should have used the weapons he gave us to kill them faster. The reason I throw myself to the mercy of the court is this. Should I have chimed in and directed my friends more? I dreaded at the time the terrible metagaming and using my knowledge to influence their own fun at starting. I know the dm was wild but I often wonder about this years later that if I had chimed in it could have gone to a TPK to a memorable and fun introduction for my friends. I await in the stockades for freedom or zany execution.

SiteZero

Hello honorable justices who can not be bought unlike the Supreme court and the Bailff Justin who gives Florida energy (in the bad way) or if we are being nice future cake conisour Baliff Jake or Wife Work Baliff Emily. I am a long time DM who has started to introduce friends to the game that haven't had the ability to play before. Recently they have been having such much fun that they are surprising me with their friends (which I take as a compliment) this is not the case I present tho. I have run multiple books (which I alter significantly to kinda make my own campaign and just use the book for assistance with timing) and we were halfway through Out of the Abyss when one of these "new additions" asked if he could DM the next campaign. I was super supportive and excited to be a PC. This is when problems occurred. We have been running combat heavy comedic campaigns for the most part but the more we all keep listening to him planning (which he did very loudly during break times and forced conversations in that direction) he is planning a super serious Warhammer 40K political roleplay campaign and got super defensive anytime we tried to Crack anytype of joke. The other PCs and I had discussions that we didn't want to play that and voiced that to him but he just kept saying trust me yall will have fun. During the final session we all told him that another of the "new additions" wanted to run a Fallout new vegas esc combat heavy comedic campaign and that is the direction the group is deciding to go this was met with a "OH we'll see about that". The epic conclusion I had designed in my campaign was that the Demogorgon offered them a wish if they sabatoged a simple wedding and killed the Groom. What I didn't tell them and they didn't roll high enough to know is that the grom was Graz'zt and the bride was Juiblex (in a human form I made). They hijacked the systems to keep the wedding secure and weaked everything before rushing in the finish the job (kick ass right?). They all formulated the plan to finish off the the bride because she was significantly weaker. This is when "new addition number 1" (let's call him Corey) breaks formation as a monk and uses insane movement to barrel rush the groom way across the castle 1000's of feet away while saying at the table "I'm getting that fucking wish so I can wish us all into my 40K campaign, y'all will have to play it then". While the rest of the party was struggling to finish off the bride he rolls a higher initiative and gets first round of combat against the groom greatly weakening him (putting him on deaths stoop). I see that the rest of my party was about to defeat the bride, so I cheat and use Graz'zt teleport ability and just move him into the room with the rest of my party problem solved. That's when from across the table I hear "Um, Actually his ability only let's him move 120 ft" so I bullshit and say "Correct but he is using the spell which allows him to go anywhere he is very familiar with and since he was planning on getting married in the ballroom he would be very familiar with it". This gets me a sigh and his turns become I run 180ft while the rest of my party are slaying the groom getting the wish and using it to wrap up the campaign where they all either go back home or set themselves up with the life they were seeking. He refused to narriarate his ending and even took a six pack home that wasn't his. I await my sentencing for if my crimes of bending the rules to prevent someone for hoodwinking future campaigns.

Tommy

Esteemed justices and slippery little minx of a bailiff. I present to you the case of "Oops you killed your dad". I am dming for a group that has been playing for 6 years now. They're brilliant and I couldn't ask for better players , the following case is not a real issue but would still appreciate you weighing in the settle things once and for all. My players made a mortal enemy of a rakshasa. This monster has 3 relevant abilities to this case. A shapeshifting ability, the ability to cast spells (detect thoughts and dominate person) and the ability to regenerate (painfully) when killed. My players killed Kaya (the Rakshasa) and then learned she would regenerate and fixate on destroying them. She knew about one of the players family from earlier in the campaign so my players started a compound to keep their fam safe. The designated passcodes to try spot the shapeshifter when she attacked but they didn't know she had detect thoughts so after she staked out the place she learned the passcode with detect thoughts and approached looking like my paladin players dad. We jump forward and the 2 dads meet in the compound where Kaya (fake dad) used dominate person on Mr Crylin (pronounced like krill-in). A few moments after this my players walk in and see the two dads and rightfully panic. Trying to avoid a spiderman meme situation my players immediately think to ask the passcode but Kaya compells Mr Crylin to say the wrong phrase. The paladin immediately smites and kills his dad. This makes Kaya so delighted she shapeshifts back to her normal form and an epic battle ensues. Some closing notes, Mr Crylin was revived, the paladin got to play out a very fun ptsd arc after committing patricide and Kaya was restrained and eventually petrified which is how she still is to this day so she can't regenerate and cause problems while my players attempt to save the world... repeatedly. I think the logic tracks for all this and my players begrudgingly agree but they maintain that it was still sociopathic of me to trick my paladin into killing their dad. Was this all justified for the plot or should I maybe start journaling and reflecting on myself? I await your infallible judgement.

ScanmanRT

To the benevolent justices and bountiful bailiff. I present before the court the case of Slurping a God. I was playing in the first long term campaign between me and my friends. The main plot of the campaign was to find god-like creatures that represent the elements (called genasi in this homebrew world) before the BBEG could find them and steal their power. After finding one of the genasi, who represented wind and wisdom, he gave us a large exposition on the genasi themselves and how they work to uphold the balance of the world. Once the genasi finished dropping all this juicy fantasy world lore he suddenly and with no warning turned himself into a chalice. The chalice was just sitting there on the throne in the middle of the room. Nothing else was happening. After some deliberation from our party I went up to the chalice, saw there was some glowing liquid inside, and decided to drink it. When the DM asked how much I drink I responded with “about a 1/4th of it”. After consuming the godly goo, I was told that my character’s head reared back and my mouth opened to release the sounds of “thousands upon thousands of screams”. It was after this that my character was pronounced dead, with no rolls of any kind made. I assumed that this cup was meant for me as a large part of my character was about collecting knowledge and at an earlier part in the campaign, our group solved a riddle by answering what our biggest strength was. My character’s correct answer was wisdom. I ask you judges was it a sin to slurp or was I good to gulp a God? P.S. My character was later revived and this campaign was spectacular, but we still do argue about the decision to drink the divine juice almost 5 years later. Thank you for your time!

Seaweed

To the esteemed Space Justices of the Satellite Crit, and the Interstellar Pirate currently serving time as Space Baliff If it pleases the crit, I bring forth the case of THE ORB and just some of the many woes it has brought upon the dark vastness of space I previously played in a Starfinder group, as crew of maverick space adventures and heroes... and one lawyer... It had already been difficult playing alongside said lawyer player, with backseating, monster statline checking, and so many min maxed character choices But it all escalated to the point of disaster when this player conceived of ... THE ORB Using the fact he'd already chosen a small species, the ratfolk Ysoki, and a huge engineering skill, to make whatever busted equipment he needed, he built a vehicle that RAW, filled the same space as a medium creature, that only he could use. Essentially a hovering titanium sphere with a window This essentially gives him boosted AC and an extra pool of hitpoints, or full cover if enemies try to get to him inside, as well as equipment that's unique to the vehicle He claimed that this vehicle was to protect the rest of the crew, but proceeded to refuse to go anywhere that wouldn't allow him to take it, and uses it to argue for even greater nonsense Most egregious was on a stealth mission on a city in close orbit of the sun, all the flying vehicles had been grounded, and he wanted to fly up over a building to view some enemies My character, a lizardfolk Vesk, argued that with the sky clear and the literal sun as a sky he'd immediately be seen, but his opinion with the he'd be able to see them without them seeing his orb (In defiance of conventional physics) When the GM was firm that it wouldn't work, he decided to fly the orb into buildings to pretend to crash as a "distraction" The orb has also been used to cheese encounters, avoid hazards, and despite complaints he saw it as playing within the rules and claims not to get the issue. I left but occasionally still hear stories of the orb from the GM who I'm still friends with Your stellar Honours, should my buff lizard have thrown the Orb into the sun before I left the group, or was the other player justified in creative use of game mechanics Disambiguation - The player is not a lawyer he just decided his character was so he could argue he'd made fake contracts - Starfinder 1E was apparently pretty rushed through development so it has a lot of exploitable mechanical overlap

Emily

To the most judicious judges and badass bailiff, I am a player in a long running Strixhaven campaign, where the DM and I have much more DnD experience than the rest of the party. The DM set up a pvp encounter meant to be a game of magical capture the flag, where the party was split into two teams playing against each other, with a promised boon for the winning team. In preparation for the game to begin I cast expeditious retreat on myself (Thanks to Calder Killday) and on my first turn I used my action to dash and then used my bonus action dash from the spell. Because we were playing theatre of the mind, my DM declared that I was within 10 feet of the other team’s flag. It was fairly easy for me to take the other team’s flag and start heading back on my next turn, this time with more opposition. Later in the encounter, one of the players on the opposing team was confused about how I had managed to move so quickly, and as the DM was explaining the mechanics, I realized she was mistaken about bonus action dash herself, and had been doubling my speed both for action dash and again for the bonus action, moving me 120 ft instead of 90ft. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been more tempted by the dice devil to let this go and win the game, but as a devout follower of Dice Christ I came clean, and explained the mistake. While the opposing team argued for a full retcon, the DM felt that was too complicated, and would basically mean replaying most of the encounter, as I had bonus action dashed three times at that point. I happened to be next in the initiative order and easily cleared the last 45 ft to win the game, and a token of good luck, with a +1 to all ability checks and saving throws to boot. The other team was understandably frustrated, with one player declaring that her character stormed off the field and refused to help us in the surprise combat that came immediately after. Judges, should I have been more clear about the mechanics and not assumed my DM knew how far I was moving? Should my DM have retconned the move and made me work harder for the victory? Or should the other players let go of an honest mistake? I humbly await your judgment.

Jen

hellooooooooo!!!!!! Where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures? If you served aarakocra wings at a tavern, is that cannibalism? The tavern in question that served the wings was a perfectly normal standard tavern with not larger plot hook or mystery. We have wrapped up the arc nice and neat, the wings never mentioned again. I’m team, “that’s cannibalism” but I’M the one who got called weird and razzed at the table. Judges, popes, now philosophers, I ask again, where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures?

Jason Forge

Supreme crit, I stand before you this day to present a most unjust and uncouth situation in which a fellow member of the party attacked and turned on the rest of us nearly derailing the campaign in a Pierce Hawthorn like manner. They stole the magical piece needed to save the realm and attempted an escape, with it and without any warning or foreshadowing. He was just barely caught and disaster averted but was allowed to continue playing as a new character in the campaign. Would you have allowed this, or should he have been kicked from the fold? Humbly, Simp_Samurai

Barely Competent Roll-Players

To the suave and sexy judges and the large man baby who is my name twin (ps you rock but i must be mean to you for some reason). And of course the wormy slimy but witchy bailiff, Ibring forth the case of the wereraven playing NEVERMORE. This was 5 years ago but still bothers me to this day. This was the 2nd pc I ever got to play after dming for 8 years. I was playing a chaotic goblin warlock who worshiped the raven queen in the curse of strad campaign. In a town we met were-ravens that I convinced to turn me into one since we both served the raven queen and it fit the astatic. I was warned the 1st time I turn I might lose control and go into a lawful good rampage. I told the party and we were all good with that. Fast forward to the first full moon a few days later. We are sneaking through castle ravenloft to find key information. I begin to turn in the castle. I roll a save and was blessed with dice Christ's favor with a nat 20! Which the dm ruled I got full control over the transformation! I tell the party this but they tackle me and cram my goblin into a bird cage "just incase". I lost the athletic check as a warlock would. I thought it was funny for the first 15 minutes but it got boring after 30. I asked to be released and they would tell me no I might be lying. Even when they rolled insight to see that I wasn't they wouldn't let me out of the cage cause they found it funny which the dm didn't stop them since this was his first time dmimg and nervous to ruin the fun. It lasted the entire session where they used me like I was an item to cast spells and shook me if I didn't. I didn't get released till the next session when we had left the castle. The worst part we only played a few more games after before the game fell apart because 2 of the 4 players moved away and I never got to be a part of the exploration of the castle the one time we were in it. Was I wronged to be forced into a cage when I succeeded the saves because it was funny? Or was my party/dm right to keep me trapped in the cage cause it was funny... even after only getting to be a player twice in 8 years?

Lucas Ahlstrom

Esteemed cherubic justices and the baliff in the corner who seems like he has a lot going on at home, I present to you the case of the too slow calm emotions. I am the DM of a fledgling 5e campaign with all new players. One of my players, Monk, is such a wild card, that our bard took calm emotions at level 3 purely to have a way to put an end to his antics. In our most recent arc, some shit eating kids we're harassing the party, and Monk decided to throw a snowball full of nails at them. He rolled a nat 1 on his attack and the snowball landed at the kids' feet. Horrified at the attempted assault, the kids turned and ran away. Monk wanted to chase after them and attack one of them while Bard wanted to cast calm emotions to stop him. I called for initiative. Monk rolled higher than the bard, and Monk knocked out one of the kids with his quarterstaff before Bard could act. They didn't know the kids where the children of a local government official, and the party ended up in pretty hot water. Bard was livid that she couldn't cast her spell to stop Monk, and my call for initiative is still contested to this day. So justices, was I wrong for calling for initiative? Was I wrong for letting Monk go that far? I await your judgement. P.s. Monk has been much better since this debacle.

Corkboard Podcast Network

May it please the honorable Judges, Emily Autumn Axford, Brian Tobias Murphy, and Caldwell Samantha Tanner... (And PLEASURE the delectable Baliff Jake “The Quad God” Herwitz) I BRING YOU the Case of the Muskrat vs. The Raging Hawk Myself, Muskrat, is running a horror game. One player (who goes by “Hawk” after the old cop show) is a detective from the “big city” come to an Alaskan town searching for a missing reporter. The rest of the party are locals who had each been given a clue to the reporter’s whereabouts that when pieced together would reveal a mystery incriminating the town’s doctor as a practitioner of dark magic, murder etc. Naturally, the party solved the mystery with only TWO of the clues, confronted and killed the BBEG, cutting the game several hours short. JUST AS the villainous voodoo Doctor was killed, outside, the “Vietnam Vet” PC failed his check, was surprised by another cast member in the dark, and accidentally killed them with a headshot. In order to keep the game going, I called a quick pause, pulled aside the player of the Veteran, and had him roll Willpower checks, which he failed, allowing the Doctor’s Spirit to SECRETLY possess him. THE DRAMA BEGINS a short time later, when said player ran down the others with his truck, BARELY clipping Hawk, the Detective, and dealing 1D4 of Damage (of about 28.) At this point, the 50+ year old player stands up, slams their laptop shut, and loudly proclaims “This is NOT how you play DND!” They then scooped up their stuff, and left. My bad? P.S. He left so quickly that he forgot his dog, and… IT WAS CHRISTMAS. 🎄

James

To the most wise and esteemed judges and the most wisest and wriggliest worm wife Emily. I come before you with the case of the two opposing main characters. I was asked to DM a short campaign for some friends from college. Per the Murphy Statute I have found other friends but this experience still haunts me. We had a nice session 0 and session 1 where my party met and established some relationships with each other. Everything changed when session 2 rolled around and another one of our friends joined the group. They told me they wanted to play someone who believed themselves to be a chosen one but very much was not. I thought it would be a funny gimmick so I allowed it, and that decision is the crux of my transgression. The fake chosen one met the party in a shop, loudly proclaimed their status as the chosen one and pointed out a member of the party as the “enemy of their nation”. They then proceeded to trap the “weak-willed women” (the other players) in a different part of the store while they fought the “enemy” PC who was trying to de-escalate the situation. I was very caught off guard by the blatant misogyny since the problem player and everyone else in the party was a woman. Meanwhile, one of the “weak-willed” people in the basement proceeded to launch into their own story of daring escape, talking over everyone else so that only they were doing anything. Then once they finally escaped (after breaking an exit and trapping the other imprisoned PCs inside), they proceeded to compete with the fake chosen one, saying that they also knew that the one PC was an “enemy agent” and that they had killed their backstory loved one NPC, a detail that me and the accused PC never agreed to. This led to a complicated combat that I ended by saying that the fantasy police came in and arrested the 2 problem players for absolutely wrecking the fantasy shop they were fighting in. When it seemed like the accused PC was going to be left, they both loudly accused them again and I just arrested that PC too to end the conflict. I left it open-ended with the other forgotten players trapped in the store maybe planning a jail break, but a combination of everyone else hating the session and scheduling conflicts ended the game there. Judges I come not asking you to punish those players (although you certainly can do that) but I also beseech you punish me for I know I have failed as a DM by allowing it to happen. I kneel before ready and willing to take what you deem fair.

Simon Hughes

To the high crit justices and the occasionally moustached Baliff, I present the case of the wooden ladder, It was our 2nd ever session of Pathfinder, and we had just gotten to the end of a cavern under a castle looking for the evil sorceress, once we found her we chased her into the secret entrance that was at the bottom of a well, there one of our party members climbed the ladder that was in the well, and another member cast grease and fire to light up the room and fry her, we waited for the fire to go out only to find she had teleported away, and the ladder had burned up, she then teleported back, locked us in the bottom of that well, and we spent the next 3 hours trying to keep her at bay, and find a way out of the well, just barely did we survive by eventually dropping a nuke on her, but justices, it was never said the ladder was made of wood, we had no reason to think it would burn away, and that completely fucked us and mostly important, wasn't fun, should we have known to not try and burn the witch, or was our DM just sweating to make it seem challenging

Jake Shurley

To the Ever Unified Supreme Crit Justices and the Ever Beloved Baliff Jake Hurwitz who I will defend the honor of in the parking lot of a Waffle House (I am not biased I swear), I bring to you only one simple question, Who Killed Mett the Automaton, the Character or the DM? A few years ago in a homebrew campaign, whilst hiking through the wilderness of a frozen tundra, we came upon the aftermath of a dragon attack on a caravan. Searching through, we found the lone survivor, an automaton who just then “awoke” for the first time. He was really friendly; real golden retriever energy, so we named him Mett and brought him along. Night time came, so we dug a hole for us to sleep in, and Mett offered to take night watch alone since we didn’t need to sleep. We all turned in early except for one character, our Warlock/Barbarian named Veltin. Veltin had been a very introspective quest because of the nature of his pact with an Ancient Ice Dragon. Veltin and Mett spoke with each other for a bit before Veltin retired for the night after leaving Mett with one last question. “What is Justice?” We all woke and thought everything was alright. Justices and Bailiff Jake Hurwitz!!! All was not alright. We awoke to the scrawlings of a madman on the snow walls and a crazed Mett muttering to himself about Justice. We all tried to calm him down until the DM stated “Mett’s eyes go dim and he drops to the ground motionless” After a quick moral dilemma, we shoved his corpse into our bag of holding and moved along with the adventure. After the session, I joked around with the DM about “How he killed Mett” which, to my surprise, he was confused about. He told me that He did not kill Mett, but Veltin did since he asked a question without one correct answer. I countered that he was the DM, he controlled the world and NPCs and could dictate who lives and dies, and he chose to kill Mett, which meant he the DM was the killer of Mett. The DM doubled down and said that Veltin was the one who killed Mett since he was the one who asked the question that caused his death. We agreed to disagree and even though we still jokingly argue about it from time to time, the DM, Veltin’s player, and I still play together to this day. So Justices and Bailiff Jake Hurwitz, I ask you to settle this argument once and for all. Who killed Mett the Automaton? Veltin or the DM?

DJ Matty Lil Crits

To the Wife Worm and Wife Guys of the Supreme Crit, and whatever Jill calls Jake to calm him down when he's crying, I present the Neglectful Husband. We were a group of lv 7s fighting a lich and his minions. the DMPC cleric had thrust her sword into the lich's chest to absorb his magic so we would take only half damage to lower the difficulty of the fight. Knowing the lich couldn't remove the sword, my bard cast heat metal on the sword. After 2 rounds of my bullshit, my DM ruled that I'd heated the sword enough to melt it, even though that's not how the spell works. I was fine with it, and took it as a compliment for my spell usage. We won without any permanent deaths thanks to the cleric's revivify and her father, a Duke of Hell, dragging the boss to hell to completely skip the second phase. My actual grievance is that on the way home, the cleric's husband, an ancient silver dragon and my DM's pathfinder character, arrived to guide us home. As we celebrated our victory, the dragon cornered my character demanding I buy his wife a replacement sword, as the sword I melted had been an anniversary present. As a lv 7 bard, I did not have the funds to buy a new legendary class sword. He said don't worry, I can pay it off later. Judges, I do not want to buy him a sword. if he wants his wife to have a sword to defend her, I recommend he be more present in her life. What say you? I humbly await the wisdom of her worm-li-ness and the compassion of the court.

Barrel of Salted Beef

To the loving Crit Justices, and my Jakey Breaky Heart. I bring you the case of The Cornered Cockroach My wife DMs for teenagers. She’s amazing. She “Yes And”s the kids as much as possible and tries to let them learn from mistakes, in-world. But a recent incident tested her. One child of 14 - let’s call him Omelette - plays a Gnome Artificer. He’s a mechanically sound player. But he plays as though he’s unbeatable, and never learns from mistakes. When he gets an idea, he cannot be dissuaded no matter how much the other players object. His offences include: -Hoarding treasure for himself -Deciding to fight a fellow PC during battle and killing them -Executing The Queen of the Pixies when she was in peace talks with the rest of the party Recently, the party retrieved the Gorgon’s Head from a labyrinth, and discovered there were 3 gods who wanted it. Omelette wanted to give it to the Goddess Iris. The other PCs weren’t against this, but wanted more info, so some of them went to commune with their personal deities. While they were away, Omelette cast Expeditious Retreat and fled with the Head, on a solo mission. The players at the table were annoyed and implored him not to do that, but he insisted. Next session, my wife checked in with Omelette privately: ‘Today could potentially be quite intense, are you okay with all this?’ He said he was fine with it. She said ‘Let me know if it’s getting too much and we can stop’ He said ‘No, I won’t need that.’ Arriving back in the lands where he’d killed the Pixie Queen, Omelette found a barn to stay the night. Aware his friends would be following, he cast an alarm spell on the door and went to sleep. The alarm was triggered by a group of pixies, and after failing a Wisdom Saving throw he was Polymorphed into a cockroach. When the rest of the party caught up they went in pretty hostile - he was physically restrained, in cockroach form, by two fellow PCs, a 7ft tall Dragonborn Barbarian and a 6ft Animated Skeleton. My wife paused the game and asked them all their intentions. They agreed they just wanted him to stop fleeing and talk. Omelette’s take was ‘But I think I’m right.’ A stand-off continued for 10, 15 minutes. Throughout this, Omelette desperately scrolled through his spells. He wanted to cast Expeditious Retreat again, but, being restrained, he was going nowhere. It started to feel wrong, like a cornering an animal, and my wife called it. Knowing he’d reached the end of his rope, Omelette broke down at the table. He thought he could take it, but in the end he couldn’t - he is after all a child. My wife feels guilty for allowing the kids to get in that situation, even though she was questioning them and making them roll. Was she in the wrong for letting this escalate so far? Or was she right to let the kids learn ‘better playing’ through consequences? I place her life in your hands.

Ken

To the Sweetie Justices and the sour little bailiff, I give you the Case of the Robot Fucker. May it please the court. A couple months ago, I started a new d&d group with some coworkers. I have some experience as a DM, but all of my players except one are brand new. I was excited to foster a love of the game in the new players, and was hoping the veteran would help encourage his party members. When helping the experienced player create a character, he said he simply wanted to play a human fighter (named Magnus) with no backstory because, quote, “I’ve already done all of the story stuff before, and I’m bored of it.” I was a bit disappointed, but didn’t push it. The third session in, the party was infiltrating the laboratory of an evil scientist. At one point, the party downed a security android. On Magnus’ turn, I asked what he would like to do and he said, quote, “I fuck the dead robot.” I gave him the DM “Are you sure?” and he said yes. Admittedly a bit annoyed by this, I decided that sticking one’s dick into a collapsed pile of frayed wires and metal would be similar to the effect of a lightning bolt. Failing his save, Magnus dropped. Next up was another android, who I decided was so disturbed that it used its attack to give him two death saving failures. I knew that next up was our cleric, and I reminded her that she had healing spells and could bring him up. Instead, she said “no, I think I finish the job.” Her cleric stabbed down into Magnus, killing him instantly. For the rest of the session, the player was withdrawn and despondent. Since this was fairly early in the session, I offered to let him play one of the androids or robots, but he refused. High Justices of the Supreme Crit, was I wrong to go so hard on this sad man? Should I have discouraged the cleric from killing him? I generally do not like PvP and I never want my players to go home sad. Please pass down your fair but brutal judgement on this case. P.S. We haven’t played another session yet due to scheduling conflicts, but I have been working with the veteran player on making a new character. This one seems much more integrated and he says he is not planning on retaliating against the cleric, so I am cautiously optimistic.

Lily Holmes

I humble myself before the Church of Dice Christ with a confession. I am playing a rogue in our long-running campaign, and when we reached level 11 I unlocked Reliable Talent (I can substitute any roll on a skill with expertise as if I had rolled a 10). Due to a series of comically bad rolls, I had used Reliable Talent maybe a dozen times in that first session with the new ability. It got to the point where my DM would go "let me guess, 21?" Every time I would prepare to give him my total. Finally, after rolling yet another < 10 of the session, I decided to lie, as a joke, and say I had ACTUALLY gotten a whopping 22. This single digit difference did not bring me over a particular DC, so the game wasn't effected by my lie. But I have never lied about my rolls as a player before and it feels like I have goofed too far away from the light of Dice Christ. I ask for absolution so that I may once more make number-related bits.

Brian Edwards

My Bard has something similar. College of Eloquence allows me to treat any roll for Performance or Deception on the die of 9 or lower as a 10 and my modifiers for both are a 12. And yeah I had a stretch where I was rolling <9s

William Blankenship

Dear honorable justices of the Jedi council and the rock collecting bailiff Jizz was it? I bring to you the case of when does protecting the vibe to prevent fiction atrocities justify railroading and going back on your word? My last camapagin I ran before my current one was a sci fi one that drew inspiration from a wide variety of sci fi media but used the Star Wars 5e mechanics. In this world the party was helping a rebellion begin against an opressive goverment. They had a simple mission to go and steal some secret files from a naval base. It was a simple sneak and grab job. I decided to described 2 naval officers leaving to go to a local cantina because my players were stuck and one had a homebrew item that let her scout( rogue) use a hologram to disguise self as someone they have seen. Well as all parties do they got way to caught up with the cantina where the npcs were getting lunch and lead to some deception checks, failed flirting, and mind control. But one of my players went to far. He is a rebel who lost his home world and is a Mando type character. He asked if he can put multiple grenades together to make a big oneeven though in SW5e there is no rule that says you can and I said sure because we were so off the rails at this point. I expected him to blow up the space ships to distract everyone. He instead commented space terrorism and place it in the cantina. I tried to make him see reason by saying 41 normal people were inside but he didn’t give up. The other players had him agree to let one of them call in a bomb threat and let everyone leave before the blast hits. But he smiled and said whenever the call goes in he sets off the charges anyways. At this point the vibe was off and as a DM I was mortified. And I remembered the mute Jedi inspired NPC they had with them that I had forgot about up till now because of all the craziness. I retconned the events and said whenever he went to hit the button the npc grabbed the detonator and stopped him and he was like “if he did this the first time of course I would have stopped before now” and the session ended. We moved on finished that campaign and I now have a Google Docs of BANNED activities that make other players and the DM uncomfortable to role play and it’s going well. But was I right to go back on what happened ? Should I have let it happen and then had him suffer the legal consequences in game? Or should I have not rail roaded and let what happened happen and address it out of game? I humbly await your decision.

M. Hedrick

Dear Jerp and the crew, a question of NPC plot armor, or lack there of. In a long-form campaign my party ended up in a year long detour, their assault on the authoritarian regime of a massive airship interrupted when they elected to jump off the side with a makeshift parachute rather than get arrested. To keep nearly 120 hours in game short, they had to travel across the desert with a tribe of revolutionaries, so they could sneak back onto the ship during its yearly fuel up. This wasn’t supposed to be this long, two or three sessions at most, but they got REALLY invested in these npcs and the larger politics of the dunes. That should be a good thing, but unfortunately the stealth mission went as bad as possible. Multiple nat ones followed by the poor frantic decision making of a party on their heels. I saw only one way to avoid a TPK, the tribe ramming their giant beatle-like homestead into the closing in security. This gave the crew a necessary distraction, allowing them to sneak onboard, but only through the heroic sacrifice of their friends. The objections over this killed the campaign. Players mad they couldn’t both save their friends and get on the ship in time, and claiming I was being manipulative “getting us to like these guys to just kill them.” Judges, was I too cruel? Should I have given another last minute out? I haven’t DM’d since, cause I’m unsure if I was being too mean, and it’s shaken my confidence as a storyteller, I await your judgement.

Midnight Kelpie Press

Honorable Justices! Illustrious bailiff! I bring you a case of being punished, perhaps unfairly, for a bit. I'm in a campaign DMed by my best friend, who I love. (Nobody is upset in real life about this incident.) Recently, after a late-night drinking competition, the party visited a brothel. One PC hired a worker at the brothel; one PC spent the night on the beach with their crush; and my character met up with a hot NPC they'd met at the tavern, and the two spent the night together. We started our next session with a brief post-coital scene; my DM opened by saying "Okay, so how long has it been?" I, seeing a comedy opportunity, swiftly said: "Six hours." The table hooted and hollered, everybody laughed, and we moved on. BUT THEN, my beloved DM revealed that everyone had had a long rest but me! Other characters had engaged in night-time activities freely. Only I was punished for my silly little joke, which I wouldn't have made if I'd known it would have such dire consequences. I am playing a level 3 paladin, and our game moves very slowly, so you can imagine the spell slot shortage if denied rest. We had a big combat the very next night. Luckily, my paladin spent the day sleeping in the back of the cart, so nobody died, but I did have to miss out on roleplay opportunities to do so. Kind of a bummer. Was my DM right to punish me so harshly for a silly little joke, or can you have six hours of fade-to-black and still be long rested the next morning? I humbly await your judgment.

Brian Edwards

Always a wild choice to initiate PVP as a new player at a table.

wouldn't you like to know

May it please the court, I was invited to join a campaign that my friends had already been playing. Seeing that they lacked a healer or any high charisma character, I decided to play a Celestial warlock, and thought it would be a fun twist to pass her off as a cleric. The DM was enthusiastic about the idea, even allowing me to rename my Eldritch Blast to "spicy Sacred Flame" to lessen suspicion. When I sat down at the table, I learned that the party had specifically asked the DM to get me to play a cleric, since they wanted a healer. I also learned that our monk had a deep hatred for the fallen pantheon containing the goddess my Warlock was secretly sworn to, having had her village attacked by an adherent of one of the pantheon's other gods. A few months later, when my character's ex-wife outed her to the monk, this created what I thought was amazing in-character drama, with the monk pinning my warlock to a wall by the neck and my warlock barely able to convince the monk to spare her life. The monk was unable to get over the betrayal - in or out of character. My efforts to mend the relationship (which included training together as I multiclassed into paladin) were in vain, and the monk left the party, feeling that she could never accept my warlock. The player made a new character who she claimed would be less lawful good, but despite the new character having no reason to have a problem with mine, they were still frosty towards my warlock and mistrusted her implicitly. It became clear through the player's real life behavior that some legitimate damage had been done to our friendship, and she even shit-talked me to mutual acquaintances over this. The final straw was our epilogue, where I narrated that my character (an elderly human) died the way she least expected to - of old age, and surrounded by friends. The monk's player chimed in to say that her monk returned to spit on my warlock's grave. After seeing my reaction, she tried to walk it back as a joke, but when I told her it didn't seem like she was joking, she reluctantly confessed that she wasn't. Justices, I believe that the out of character behavior was unwarranted, but I beseech you - was the in character behavior justified? Even though my character did not directly betray the party, was my months-long lie enough to justify leaving the party, only to return in the epilogue to spit on my warlock's grave? I eagerly await your judgement.

Maison K

Honorable priest’s of dice Christ and the beloved hemp milk drinking bailiff. I have sinned against dice Christ not on an attack roll but on a damage roll, I rolled high enough to outright kill my 1st time player on their first session. I re-rolled and ended up just knocking them out; however I would have killed them had I not forgot about the extra damage for rage. I decided that the extra damage for rage wouldn’t have been added and left my player knocked out. Please forgive me for my treacherous act of treason not once but twice.

Ryan

Sup babes and babettes, One of my player sucks. We tend to hang for about 30 minutes before we play, because we got some tardy Tims. But one player hates to hang out and only wants to play D&D, so he told me to just text him when we start "actually playing D&D". We play online so he doesn't have to travel to the game. He's a good friend of mine and we've talked about it, but he won't change (ie. he values his time). Am I a dick for expecting my players to want to hang out while we wait for eachother or is he just insane? What do I do, it pisses me off every week?

Destiny Finchum

To the most honorable and benevolent judges and the bailiff who just is, I submit to you the case of the horny murder hobo. From the start of our campaign, we made it known that the majority of us were uncomfortable with sex and romance in our campaign. However, one of the players brought his brother in for what was supposed to be a celebrity guest spot. Everybody was fine with this, until the player decided his brother was now a permanent player without the dungeon master's approval. This brought us up to seven PCs for a first time DM. Not only did the new player not understand the game, but we had to make his character sheets for him, and he treated it like a video game. He quickly decided he didn't like his first character, so we helped him make a second; a homebrewed rogue barbarian whose rage caused her to change forms. He was oversexualizing his character from the jump and hitting on every female NPC, which made us all uncomfortable. This came to a head when he had her hitting on an NPC in a town. Fed up with it, the DM had the woman's husband come to her defense. This made the player angry enough that he had his character turn into a werewolf and murder the NPC husband in front of other townsfolk. She was arrested, but the DM was lenient and slapped a bracelet on her that stopped her from transforming until she paid a hefty fine. She was banished from the town. Outside of town, she came upon a shady hermit NPC who offered her gold to steal a statue from the church of the people she had just killed the leader of (the husband.) Against our above-table suggestions, she took the job, snuck back into town, and was caught almost immediately upon entering the church. This led to a crazy trial and execution. Not even caring, he immediately started talking about his next character. As a group, we decided we no longer wanted him in the campaign, which led to tensions between the original brother and the rest of the group. Were we right to kick this player out, or should have let him continue making characters and frequently screeching the campaign to a halt? - [ ]

Scrumbly Bumkis

Honorable justices and the lowley yet respectable baby bailiff I present to you the case of the amnesia riddled player. I an amateur DM have been running games on and off for a couple of years rotating DMs campaign to campaign. We're a group of friends that have been playing for 6 years at this point. One of the players has always had a habit of consistently forgetting what their characters do. I understand that people forget things and people's ability to retain information varys for everyone. However nothing works to help this player. We have tried everything. Index note cards and dnd beyond, to her own note books and cheat sheets. This player wants to be involved and do important things and feel impactful which is fine, my problem is that nothing we do helps them remember their class features and abilities, their magic and nonmagical items, even their stats and skills and what to add. Again when I say we've tried everything thing, I swear we have. Their sheets and note cards end up with scribbles and different math's to help fast calculate attacks and saves for them. This then makes them confused as they seem to never understand even their own cheat sheet notes. A few of us have become tired and fed of having to teach this player week to week what their character does, we all help each other but this is starting to feel like playing a character for them which is something that becomes harder and harder the higher level my other players become and as a DM there is so much to juggle behind the screen. Your honors, is my aggravation with this player unwarranted? I humbly await your judgment, advice and what ever punishment may await me.

Daave

To the almighty Justices, and.. You know what? *esteeemed* bailiff Axford. If it should please the court, I bring before you today a case most grave, the Murder of the BBEG-to-be. I am currently DM’ing a home-brewed Pro-Wrestling themed campaign in the Radiant Citadel setting. The party are up-and-coming champions of the arena, in which a tradition of title fighting has been used since ancient days to save lives in war and solve disputes, and entertain the populace in peace. The party had recently befriended an NPC group of seasoned professional champions and narrowly beat them in a set of high stakes duels. After the fight and to reward their victory, they exchanged key lore and puzzle pieces to a conspiracy of a criminal cult to have them assassinated. A big clue arose about one of the NPC veterans that were defeated wasn’t to be trusted. This particular NPC was a grim deep gnome harlequin assassin, with a Jekyll/Hyde personality that separates into a shadow twin when he fights. He was critically wounded and so while the PCs were finding things out about him, I narrated him as taking a long rest and being treated for his wounds. Fast forward to late-night, the PC’s are bedding down for a long rest. They roll very well on perception checks, and so I performed a scene that I’d worked on, in which the two personalities were quietly caught arguing, Smeagol/Gollum style as silhouettes against a dimly lit curtain. The evil twin was portrayed as strangling the good personality and taking over control. “Grim and spooky, they’ll really think about this!” I said to myself.. The PC’s then rolled very well on stealth to creep behind the curtain, and I rolled two Nat 1’s for the NPC’s perception. One of them brought a pillow and asked if it qualified as an improvised weapon. When they turned the corner on the NPC, I narrated him as snoring peacefully, very much alive. It was at this point they jumped him and one PC held the NPC’s legs down while the other used the pillow to suffocate him. I again rolled very low, to very high PC rolls, and the PC’s were successful in smothering the NPC as I narrated his increasingly feeble resistance to their efforts. They were then caught, detained and questioned. The party members fully admitted to killing him because of what they saw. I asked if it was because of my performance and they said that was why they knew, “He just had to die.” So now I’m preparing to send the party to where they were going in the first place, only now as confessed murderers for trial in addition to the known plot moving forward. Did I make a mistake in revealing the inception of my BBEG-to-be, and was the party right to take him out right away and own up to the consequences of murder? I humbly await your verdict. -DM Dave

Choki

I come before the church because some guy with court clothes kept asking for money outside and I walked in to avoid them. I have sinned, I was the problem player. My very first dnd game I made a teifling ranger named avir who basically killed most npc’s who were rude or I didn’t like and even attacked pc’s to the point of killing one and saying it’s what my character would do. This game ended after an almost total party kill where avir met his end to 4 adult dragons. I know what I did was wrong and even to this day I feel nothing but regret. 6 years later I now run 2 dnd groups and a delta green group the dm and players from that game are in one of my dnd groups and I try to make an enjoyable time for them. Members of the church I bow before you to ask if I can come back from this sin. If I have to bribe I can only pay the cost of three blu-ray copies of the Grinch starring Jim Carey. I await judgement. P.S. someone clogged the toilets in the bathroom and took a bite out of all the urinal cakes.

Wesley

May it please the confusingly tangled web of church and state -- I come before you with a confession to Dice Christ. I am a first-time DM running The Sunless Citadel for my girlfriend and two good friends of ours. Last session, I had them escaping the crumbling, magically malfunctioning remains of the citadel after killing the evil druid, while trying to grab some cool magic items. As they neared the magic items, a patch of entangling vines sprouted up beneath their feet, attempting to reach up, grab the players, and crush them to death. Everyone made a dex save to avoid them except my girlfriend, a half-orc fighter, who rolled a nat 1. She then proceeded to roll FOUR ADDITIONAL NAT ONES as she and the entire party attempted to get her out of the vines. Because her friends were helping her, and because she rolled well on a religion check asking for help from a god she'd recently aided, I felt that I had a plausible path to keeping her alive, as it felt narratively unsatisfying to have her die in this random encounter. I was also wracking my brain for something that would feel consequential short of death, but could not summon anything in the moment (this is made worse by coming up with an extremely fun consequence that would have advanced her character the day after the session). Ever since, when I look myself in the mirror, I feel Dice Christ staring back at me, telling me that I failed to honor the story They were attempting to tell with five nat ones. Help me ease my conscience or, if you must, damn me to only rolling nat ones in perpetuity.

Joshua Andersen

To the Impeccable Justices and the Peckable Bailiff, I present the case of the misused Malboro. I was DMing for a group of friends I’ve been a player in for a few years. On the way through a magical forest, the Rogue spotted a mysterious cabin with several gems inside. Our Artificer smelled a trap and stated he would stay EXACTLY 40 feet back while the rest of the party went to check it out. He was correct, and the group was attacked by a Malboro. Unfortunately, the creature has a breath attack that is 40 feet. Meaning everybody, including the diligent Artificer, was caught in the attack. Everybody rolled saves, and passed, except for the Artificer. All the people who passed also had class and lineage features that allowed them to greatly reduce or completely negate the damage. But the Artificer had no such abilities, and when I rolled very close to max damage, he lost more than half his hit points and was poisoned. The Artificer than proceeded to-- gently-- flip the fuck out. He felt that he had been targeted, as everyone else completely shrugged off the poison. He flat out refused to cast another spell the rest of the time they were in the forest or help out with encounters, and to this day, sometimes brings up that he was targeted. He’s (mostly) joking, but I still wonder if I did something wrong. Judges, are you mad at me? Should I have realized the Artificer was especially vulnerable to this encounter and not run it, or is the player being a bit of a diva roach? If I am in the wrong, I will accept my punishment, and you may have this big brute of a bailiff beat me bloody. P.S. If it changes anything, the Rogue is an aarakocra. I know how Justice Murphy feels about that, so if you wanted to punish him instead, the defense would understand.

Joseph Fleck

To the magnanimous bailiff and any judge they choose to share this letter with, I bring forward the Case of the Stolen Level. I am a lifetime DM for a couple, my best friends since high school. We have a very catty dynamic at the table, with both players constantly trying to get one over on me in social, combat, and narrative scenes, and I give it right back -- in no uncertain terms, we are all shit-starters. But I think they have finally gone too far by taking it out-of-game. We play fairly infrequently, and every time we stoke the fire and get the game engine running again, one of them always asks me what his own character's level is. Dear bailiff, he is an excellent note taker. He knows what his stats are. He's never lost his character sheet in years. This player is trying to get me to say a lie so that he and his partner can jump forward in level, waiting until I am neck-deep in notes and monster stats to ask "We're level 9, right?" and use the fact that "I'm the DM so what I say about the game is true." against me. After years of keeping this bit going, he finally caught me slipping during set-up, right before our most recent campaign session. I didn't find out about it until mid-combat, when I noticed (because I am very vigilant!!) that his monk's AC had changed. The other player was actually aghast at the reveal, scolding their boyfriend, but as a sign of respect to the years-long grift I accepted that the level-up had been successfully stolen. That said, I still wrestle with this robbery. Is this thieving, backstabbing player in the right for taking advantage of me? Or am I right to shame him for this behavior? I await your judgement with bated breath.

Nathan Neri

To the most righteous justices and to the most questionable bailiff, I submit myself to scrutiny. One member of my party claimed the usage of the spell “Wall of Force” as some kind of laser-chainsaw. He was trapped inside the belly of a Purple Worm and said that he “would be able to insta-kill the monster” by slicing it from the inside. He proceeded to halt the session for at least 30 minutes, arguing with our DM (and with me), insisting with an interpretation of the spell that I do not comprehend. The matter has been resolved and the campaign has moved on but the player kept being grumpy about it during the session and, to this day, keeps bringin up the argument insisting that “he was right”. Being a DM myself, I asked myself “how would I have handled such a player” and my mind filled with dark and vengeful thoughts (mostly prompted by the fact that I don’t really vibe with the player in question). I envisioned myself allowing the “laser-cutting wall of force”, only to use it against said player in a retaliatory manner. Knowing these actions to be beneath my morals and my values, I seek enlightenment: is it wrong for a DM to show that “whatever a PC can do, so can the DM”? Had this been one of my players, would this gut reaction be considered a crime? Willing to turn myself in, I wait your judgement.

Reverend Chatterbones

Bailiff - let me Ax you something: Most of my players use pen and paper 5e, but one is on dndbeyond and got automatically updated to the new rules. He’s playing a gen-alpha halfling who prays to the Skibidi lord so we’ve just been flavoring it as that. Am I going to have problems?

Stinker

Supreme critters and sweet baby boy bailiff jake, I’m in a campaign that has been going on a bit over a year, and we have picked up a lot of NPC’s throughout the campaign. I’ve used this opportunity to befriend many of them and create a vibrant subculture within our party. Our party is in the abyss and got caught up in a pretty serious boss fight with some nasty spiders. During this fight, every single member of my vibrant subculture was murdered while the other NPC’s survived. I even had to watch my best friend Gronk get decapitated in front of me. I was crushed…. Am I wrong for thinking our DM went too far by completely dismantling my vibrant subculture in such brutal fashion? I’ve kept the vibes pretty chill at the sessions but underneath it all I am seething. I await your judgement

Roger May

To the un-doxxable judges, and Jacob Hurwitz... To repay a favor to a friend's partner, I agreed to run a module for their D&D group. This group is mostly people in their late 40's early 50s, who have been playing together since high school. They absolutely refuse to play anything other than 1st edition. The module they handed me is unhinged. It's called the Throne of Bloodstone, it was written in 1988, and it is suggested for characters between levels 18-100. (yes, actually). After the warm up encounter of fighting a level 30 Lich in his Sauron-esque tower, the party descended to the Abyss where they had to figure out which of 26 portals would take them to the Palace of Orcus, so that they could rob him. They narrowed it down to 2 choices, one was the correct portal, and the other was a portal to the “Layer of Evil Incarnate”. Naturally, despite all my hints, they chose the wrong portal and jumped headlong into an endless black pit. According to the module, Good or Neutral aligned characters are instantly thrown out, randomly scattered to different separate levels of the Abyss, most of which are the homes of different Demon Princes. However, Evil characters are “Instantly polymorphed into undead (No saving throw) and vanish into this layer, never to return.” It should go without saying that there are 2 Chaotic Evil Rogue/Assassin edge lords in the party. Judges, what would you have done? They have been playing these characters for something like 30 years in real life. P.S. I didn’t have the heart to auto kill them. I did my best impression of Crowley from Supernatural, and I allowed one of the now undead Rogues to bargain away his eternal soul for 6 more months to finish the mission, get everyone back together and a free ride to Orcus’s doorstep.. Should I have been more harsh? Should I have let them all rot? I leave it to you to decide.

virginia

Oh most holy representatives of Dice Christ, please hear my confession. I bring you a tale of dice seduction. At a recent session, our party was involved in combat against a group of cultists inside a flooding temple. My wizard was doing her thing, casting thunderwave and running away to hide behind the paladin. Because I am a wizard and a dice goblin, I bring a lot of dice to sessions. Our DM, who was sitting next to me, needed to roll damage for some enemies. Casually, he grabbed a handfull of my D6s, rolled damage in his dice tray, and returned my dice. The damage was substantial. He did it again the next round and the round after that, returning my dice each time. As the encounter progressed, our DM rolled excellent damage while I rolled a series of 1s and 2s on damage dice. Justices, I fear that my dice have been flattered and seduced by my DM's attention. We play at the DM's house, and he is quite the dice collector himself. He was rolling my dice while his bag of D6s stood unused at his side. I fear that the ego trip of being rolled in the DM's dice tray while his own dice watched on impotently has turned my dice against me. Have I transgressed against Dice Christ by allowing my dice to cross the sacred line between DM and party, or have I sinned by coveting my DM's chunky damage rolls? I throw myself on the mercy of the church and pray for salvation (and also healing, because my wizard is currently running for her life with 9hp). If it matters, I do NOT hold the DM responsible for this at all. He and his wife actually co-DM this campaign while simultaneously co-parenting their 9 month old baby. The husband DM also bakes a delicious treat for us before every session. This man can do no wrong. I love him and his wife dearly, and I have sworn undying fealty to their child, who I snuggle for at least an hour every session.

spooky mcfunkypants

To the honorable crit-priests of Dice Christ, and that hunky altar boy: I bring to you a desperate plea, a request to be absolved of whatever sin has vexed me. For the past year-ish, I've kept track of every single roll I've made in any TTRPG game (mostly Pathfinder) in a spreadsheet. I had been feeling unlucky, and this was my attempt to assuage those fears and chalk it up to confirmation bias. Not so! Through five characters and a brief DMing stint, over the course of almost a year, I've tracked almost 2,000 rolls. My friends and I came up with an equation to track "luck percentage"-- essentially the chance that someone rolling the same number of dice as me would roll equal to or lower than the total I've rolled. 50%, for example, would be average luck, rolling all 10.5s forever. The 50th percentile for rolls. My luck percentage is 1.61%. I'm in the bottom 2 percent of chance itself. I've tried everything. There's a shrine to Tyche, greek goddess of luck, in my spreadsheet. My dice are cooking in the moonlight every night. Nothing works. I need true divine intervention. Please, Dice Christ, absolve me. (if you're interested in my spreadsheet, i have my copy (to confirm that i'm not crazy) and a blank one you can use!)

OrangeCat

O Righteous and wise dice-ocese, I come to lay my sins before your altar: I’ve created an unkillable asshole. Im finally getting to play in my first ever campaign after loving D&D media for sooo long! I wanted to make a rad character that would be badass and have a cool, tragic backstory with a fun storyline arc where she would start off as a snarky, loner mercenary type and then come to reveal a heart of gold. But I think I fell into using “that’s what my character would do” too much when making her do some asshole-ish moves in the beginning cuz I wanted to make her growth feel natural and realistic. While I love her as a creation, I don’t love playing her anymore because it feels awkward to rapidly turn her into a better person when so little time has passed in-game. But I’m tired of being emo!! Ive been trying to kill her off so I can just escape the issue, but it hasn’t worked naturally. I was going to talk to my DM about taking her out of the campaign but they just introduced a surprise storyline that depends on my character’s involvement and backstory so now I’m extra stuck! Please, priests of Dice Christ, pass me down a penance and exorcise my inner edgelord so that I can atone!

Gicky

WARNING SPOILERS FOR LORD OF THE RINGS THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. ALSO TW: SPHINCTERS. Dear honorable justices and new DM (but no less lowly) bailiff Jake. A friend of mine wanted to try his hand at dming, and I as a long time dm gave him some tips. I told him to be careful when describing the environment as it is often the case that what the dungeon master may think is a minor detail, the players mistake to be the key to cracking this whole thing wide open. Moreover I told him to never describe anything in a way that could be misconstrued as phallic or resembling a butthole as this WILL derail the session without exception. Cut to our first encounter with some eldrich flesh monsters in a strange fleshy cave. The fight is not going in our favor and the mood at the table is getting deflated. The DM picks up on this and in an expert move describes a horrifying howl coming from deeper in the dungeon, and has the flesh monsters suddenly stop and look panicked before fleeing ala the goblins in moria fleeing at the sound of the Balrog (note the spoiler warning). Unfortunately he had the monsters flee through a hole in the fleshy walls of the chamber, which closed "tightly like a sphincter". Judges was I wrong to encourage the party to spend 20 minutes lubing up and coercing the sphincter to open, resulting in us being attacked by an eldrich horror of flesh and bone? Or was this an important lesson for the DM to be careful with word choice? I await judgement. P.S we managed to get the sphincter hole to open but couldn't get our whole bodies in, just the tip.

Cayde

Oh mighty judges and divine bailiff, My once violent oath of glory paladin/bard is living my DMs fantastic world where our party is currently trying to lead a revolution against corrupt gods who have been feeding on the souls of mortals for centuries. The party has been quite blood thirsty and eager to fight absolutely anything that moves for the past 112 sessions that have spanned over 5 years. The problem that has arose where my PC, much to the dismay of my party and DM, decided that they had seen enough violence and renewed their oath, now as an oath of redemption paladin (oppa Axford style). However, I have found that at every turn where my paladin has tried to talk the party and NPCs out of violence it has failed and my peaceful notions have been ridiculed by my fellow players. The breaking point was in my last session where I rolled a 29 persuasion check to convince a guard to turn a blind eye and to just walk away instead of confronting my bloodthirsty, maniac friends. I sat back quite proud of myself thinking I’d finally orchestrated some peace but instead was met with my DMs grin and with full eye contact they whispered “I’m gonna make you work for this peaceful bullshit”. They then sounded an alarm which lead to our party massacring multiple guards and a pretty rad prison break. JUDGES! Should my paladin be condemned to continuously bathed in blood and denied peace, or should I just give in and have fun with my party attacking every funny mean NPC. I await your decision

Auds

I offer the esteemed judges The People vs. Dinnerless Dungeons and Dragons. May it please the court to hear the following grievance: I play with two groups made up of people I’ve known for about 10 years and new friends. The first group is totally normal. We take turns hosting at each other’s homes and cooking each other dinner/ ordering takeout. My concern is with the legality of the second group’s dinner behaviour. We’ve only played once in a home game (this is complicated but not relevant to my case). It was scheduled for a Friday night 6:30-10:30PM (peak dinnertime, my dudes.) I offered to host and cook everyone a nice wholesome dinner that took everyone’s dietary restrictions into account after someone mentioned they were skint. The DM asked some technical questions about hooking his laptop up to my TV, which I said was probably possible, but I couldn’t know for sure as I wasn’t home. He then said it would be easier to host at his. Cool; totally fine. However: as arrival time approaches, it becomes clear that there is no scheduled eating time in this DnD session so I send off a quick text to ask if we’re doing dinner and these absolute maniacs (my friends) say they’ve already eaten so I had inhale a chicken tikka wrap on the underground during rush hour. Am entitled to compensation? This is an illegal, right?

Holyproxy

To the Honourable Justices and the bad baby Bailiff Hurwitz, I present to you the case of the One Angry DM, I was player in a friend's campaign for about 2 years , myself and another player (the DMs wife) recently had our characters die so.we rolled new characters I made a echo knight fighter and she made a bard; we both can be chaotic players and egg each other on, fast forward to the party being captured by a lobster mobster boss while.we were in an underwater city. We kept joking and goofing the mob boss and generally just playing our characters. Then the DM said "he orders his goons to take you out back and kill you" I thought this was our chance to attack and escape but our characters just were killed. No rolling no initiative just silence. We ended the session shortly after. We made other characters and the We played to the ending of a great story and campaign, we are all still great friends and play together still in new games but this moment lives in my mind still years later. So I ask was I in the wrong and should have just kept my mouth shut or am I justified in being fixated on this still years later?

Nadia the Dice Druid

HONORABLE CRIT COURT, I present The War-Forged Exit. My husband and I joined a D&D group where I formed my first real friend group in years. He played a warforged paladin-artificer but felt sidelined—I did see him being talked over now and then by a former classmate of mine in the group and the DM getting tired of his walls of text with ideas and changes to his character. He began to go silent at the table, but complained all the way home. After several long, joy-sucking rides home, he asked if I wanted him to stay; and I, maybe selfishly, felt that he was ruining it for me, and said if it wasn’t making him happy, he should stop going. He left, and later quit D&D entirely, and was convinced he was treated differently because the old classmate and the DM had crushes on me- apparently my old classmate was visibly crestfallen when I introduced my husband and the DM and I were the only ones who engaged in longer roleplaying scenes/he didn’t mind some changes to my character I requested. I didn’t see what he was seeing and kept playing until the group came to a natural stopping point, but now I’m longer sure. Since then, he has held me responsible for no longer being able to enjoy the game at all. So tell me, should I have stopped along with him, encouraged him to keep playing? Who is the BBEG here? I await your sentencing.

Lili McGee

To the Supreme Crit Justices and the Bailiff who was once lowly but seems to be pulling themselves up by the bootstraps. I bring you the case of Loose Lips. I’m running a homebrew campaign with several friends in NYC. We have a very close community here with a ton of DnD lovers and after our games, we usually head to the bar to debrief. Throughout the week at the bars we frequent, they continue to talk and plan their next moves. Recently, they bribed a dock worker to smuggle them onto a ship so they can track a shipment of stolen goods. We left off last session with the captain of the ship declaring there would be a ship search. My players have been scheming since then, telling our friends who aren’t in the campaign about all their plans on how they will overtake the ship. What they don’t know is one of the people they’re telling all their plans to is actually going to playing the ship’s captain as a surprise guest. He now knows every move they’re going to make. As the DM, should I trust that no one will meta game and let the surprise reveal stand or should I be hinting that they should be careful who they talk to in real life. I humbly await your verdict.

Mayor of Clown Town

Justices of the court, i regret to say that today, I can’t regard you as honorable or any other colorful adjectives, as the subject matter at hand is too dire. In what may be unprecedented behavior in the court, my case today is not Player v. Player, DM v. Player, nor DM v. Trollwife. Today, justices of the court, my case is against you. (Pause for gasps) thats right! You! I’m suing you, defendants Murphy, Axford, Hurwitz and Tanner, for emotional damages due to social embarrassment. As a long time listener of the podcast & bonus content, i have a lot of NADDPod lore taking up space in my brain. I also have what could be described as an “Axfordian Memory”, so the things i latch onto arent always the most practical elements of what i hear or experience (i.e. i care about whimsy more than cold hard facts). The issue with this, of course, is that sometimes i say things in conversation that i cant necessarily back up with a full and proper history. This combination of truths about me led to the following experience: I was out to dinner with my boyfriends friends, who i dont know very well. We had just seen Mickey 17, and were discussing the current popular trend of actors playing multiple roles in a film, as twins (michael b jordan in upcoming film sinners), doppelgängers or two different characters in different prosthesis (robert deniro in the alto knights). I said something along the lines of “thats called klumping” only to be met with the response “oh i’ve never heard that, where does that come from?” I said i’m not actually sure, and we let it go. So imagine my surprise when not even a month later I was revisiting an old episode of the show because i was craving some ally beardsley content (as i am wont to do). It happened to be the d&d court episode where you bring up klumping, and then explain to justice beardsley that thats a term you guys use to describe when an actor plays multiple characters in a project, a la eddie murphy in the nutty professor II: the klumps. I was shocked. I was flooded with humiliation. I made a reference to a made up word thats a reference to a movie i’ve never seen as if it was a cool, obscure inside baseball term i had heard people who are actors and performers use. I’ve been sitting with this pit in my stomach ever since, wondering if they went on to look up the term only to find tumbleweeds rolling across their search results feed. Probably thinking i just made something up to sound smart. Probably thinking im a fool and a nonsense-peddler. For the humiliation and trauma of this journey i’ve gone on, i’m suing for either a season pass to the waterpark in gladeholm, one date with callie so i can show her how it feels to be seen, or an apology. I ask, how do you plead?

Hammy

Yes

John P.

To the illustrious judges and the hand drawn sketch of Jeff the Baliff. I present the case of the off screen hook-up. I DM a campaign of mostly new DnD players and one experienced player. My players were recently at a feast in an elven kingdom and the one experienced player wanted to flirt with a bar maid. I told him to roll a charisma check. He got a decent roll but nothing special. As the feast ended I asked if anyone wanted to do anything else before bed, specifically asking the player who flirted. No one said anything so I started to narrate the party waking up the next morning. The player cut in to tell the group that his character enters the room super late and has clearly just had sex. Now justices, I had no problem with this in theory. But I instantly thought of all the times Murph said it was the DM’s fault for letting things get out of hand. My concerns grew the next session when he started describing her laugh and hairstyle. So now I am writing in for help. Justices, should I have told the player he has to roll for major events or would that have just been a DM cock block?

Noah Fence

To the wise court: Congrats on your promotion, Emily! Sorry about your demotion, Jake. I present to you the case of the Awkward Oathbreaker: I play in an online game as an Oath of Devotion paladin. My character believes that kindness is the most important thing in the world and is pretty much a cinnamon roll. Recently, we were exploring an underground cave when we came across a locked door. We happily pick the lock and enter, dodging a couple traps and finding some loot, when we get attacked by some drow. I jump into action to protect my friends, and knock out a drow to question him. After we tie him up, we get attacked by another wave of drow. They untie the prisoner and we have to kill him. Darn. We make a plan to disguise ourselves as drow prisoners. Another wave attacks. Darn. One character races ahead to attack because he doesn't want to wait for another wave. Darn. I try talking to some of the drow we're fighting. They call me a "filthy sun-licker" and attack me. Darn. I'm pretty stumped at this point since it seemed like we tried everything but the DM just wanted to run a six-hour combat... After the session, the DM asked the discord "how everyone felt about breaking into this stronghold unprovoked and slaughtering everyone inside without cause." He also asked if "anyone broke their oath." And I'm the only Paladin in the group! I ask the court: Was I in the wrong for not halting combat to play the part of the pacifist paladin, or was I correct to just start slashing?

RekkingCrew

To the honorable justices and the plucky bailiff Axford (you’ve got this, I believe in you!), I humbly lay before you the case of the Backstory Trial at the Hague. My friend of several years had a story he was excited to tell, set in a world with a recent devastating war between traditionally “good” people (elves, humans, dwarves, etc) and “monstrous” people. We were to be members of a guard/defense force in a major city, and he had pre-written all our backstories for us. He said we had been squires and apprentices for heroes from the last war who had operated behind enemy lines, and pitched it as “sort of like Teen Titans to the Justice League”. We weren’t crazy about the idea of ceding control of our characters’ origins, but we agreed because he seemed pumped about the story. The campaign started out fun, with a police procedural vibe and the sort of violent, irresponsible antics that make a D&D game a great time with friends. At one point we met up with a paladin who had been one of our backstory mentors, and the DM described an incident wherein we had taken out an objective that was hidden in an enemy village. Once the objective was destroyed, he described how the paladin had leaned in and told us “leave no witnesses,” and we had burned down the village and killed all the inhabitants. A confused hush descended over the table. After a moment, one of us said “oh my god, we were child soldiers in a genocide!” Another person added, “I guess this does explain why we’re kind of fucked up people.” The DM got visibly upset, and said we were taking it all wrong and that we were the good guys. We retorted that what he had described was a war crime, and we were pretty sure the paladin should have fallen over it. I think the DM’s feelings were genuinely hurt, and he never backed down from his position. The campaign ended a few sessions after this for several reasons, not all related to this. I ask the court, were we in the wrong to object to the DM’s interpretation of events after we had already agreed to him writing our backstories? P.S. In a subsequent campaign, the DM played a character he described as a moral paragon light side jedi. When asked what he had been doing in between when he left the jedi order and the start of the campaign, he said probably some high profile robberies and freelance assassinations for the Hutt space mafia. This led to a lengthy discussion. PPS. The next time this person DMed, we all played cartoonishly evil villain characters, and it was an amazing mini campaign and some of the most fun we’ve ever had.

Justice Bwr

Oh church of the Dice, forgive me not of my sins, but because I have never even seen your light! I’m a DM who can’t ever balance stuff once players get past level 8. Sometimes a monster is too strong, sometimes it’s too weak. But instead of wasting time fine tuning the next bosses AC and hp I just adapt it during the fight. Nat 20s become 4s. Damage rolls get a bit juiced or reduced. DC’s get adapted on the fly. For me I just can’t imagine killing a player character when I’ve put so much time weaving their backstory into the world! Forgive me dice Christ, but as long as my players don’t know, they’ll never lose. Because if it’s wrong to love your players and their characters then I don’t wanna be right! Ps. I know the first thing Murph is gonna say is that the game can lose tension or consequences and I think that’s stupid because the whole cast of The Lord of the Rings stays alive and their story was tense as hell. PPS, yes, Caldwell, I know about Boromir. You get my point.

Joseph Maldonado

In a campaign set in a near futuristic version of Los Angeles my DM lets me make a cleric of the city domain (UA) who worships OrangeTheory — after three sessions my DM ordered me to respec my character because the on/off & remote access cantrips were too OP for his campaign. Should I be the one to change or should HE change how he runs the story.

Greg Smith

To the honourable crit justices and any lowly baliff reading this. I give you the case of the misleading group chat. I am a DM in a cozy anime campaign. My players and I are loving searching for potion ingredients and delivering packages. In between our last session I asked my players over group chat what they wanted to do next. I gave them 5 days to come to a consensus and then got to planning the next session. When the night arrived it quickly became apparent they were changing their minds and wanted to do something else. I wanted to keep them on track because I’d planned the entire session around what they’d told me in the chat but I was worried this was rail-roading. In the end I improved most of the night and it went okay. But I was pretty excited about my original ideas and direction. Oh justices! Should I have forced my players to keep on the original path? should I use the group chat for this or keep decision making to the table? Thanks and I await your judgement.

Moon Monaey

To the honorable justices and honorable Bailiff Alford I share a story of baffling scale. My first campaign ever was Curse of Strahd on discord, I joined and the first session went well. Around the third session is when I realized ‘wow my dm says very nsfw things with two minors in the group?’ It was at the end that the dm started to flirt with me, I did state I had a boyfriend at the time and me not being able to read social cues well didn’t realize the dm was flirting with me. The dm then calls me and says ‘be ready for roleplay next session you’re going to come from my girl dick’ I thought it was a joke, until I told my boyfriend and he explained to me it wasn’t a joke. Before the next session I told the dm I’m not interested and she got upset, when we started the session I immediately was sidelined as the dm basically based the whole campaign on her and another player as she played a npc as her dmpc ireena. She also told me before the session that we’re basically there as side characters for her love story. Around the end of the session we’re camping out after leaving the under dark? Then the dm says random players start having sex with the players pcs who are minors who said they don’t want to. I never returned after.

Garret Nesta

To the esteemed crit justices and the bailiff Emily, queen of Wife Worms, a story of first time DMing. May it please the court. I was DMing a homebrew game with 3 friends and 2 people we met at a local game store after doing some one-shots there. This was the second time o ever really attempted to run a game of 5e, but I ended up mapping out and coming up with some lore for a frontier-style town on the mostly unexplored side of a continent. The party was sent to investigate a caravan of supplies that didn’t make it to the town on time, and ended up coming across a wooden barricade made from broken down carriages, different kinds of furniture, and really just anything wooden blocking what was an important bridge that typically housed a small force of militia from the town whence they came. They encountered a wizard who went mad (from a very powerful cursed orb, that was going to have significant plot relevance). During the party’s fight against the mage, the wooden barricade was set on fire and the way of 4 elements Goliath monk of the party tried to shoot a wind fist into the barricade. I asked him to describe how he does this in order to get his intention, and was given the response: “idk, I just shoot air at it.” I proceeded to narrate how, because he just shot air into a massive fire with no direction, the air fed the fire and started to get more intense. This was pretty immediately met with confusion from the monk, but we moved on relatively quickly. The situation wasn’t really talked about again, but the monk became a lot more uninterested afterwards. In fact, that sentiment spread as after one of the game store players moved away and ended up leaving the game because of that, the other guy “went away for a week” and then proceeded to never respond to the group text again. My friend who played the monk never really talked about the game again, even though I’ve brought it up amongst him and my other 2 friends who were in the game a couple of times after. Justices, I’m afraid that the one questionable call of the air fist might have been a catalyst for my players losing interest and leaving the game, but I also feel I never got the chance to fix my mistake and prove my stuff as a DM. Were they right to feel shade after my call, was it just an honest mistake from a new DM, or was I right to say fuck that noise, I need some sort of description? I leave myself to the mercy of the court (P.S. after the campaign ended, I thought a much better way to rule it would have been to allow him to create an opening in the wooden barricade, but leave the ground where it collapsed still on fire - rewarding a clever idea without completely dissolving the threat of the fire)

Emily

To the honorable supreme crit justices and the overqualified baliff, I present the case of the Poopy Paladin. I've been the DMily for my friends for three years now. When their boyfriend wanted to join, but had an unreliable schedule, I started a second campaign that is connected to the main one for us to play when he is available. He choose to play Aleksa Molozov, an Aasimar Paladin with a high ranking position in the Divine Order (the bad guys). The problem arose from a joke we had made in the first campaign to make fun of Harry Potter. Nobles of this world piss and shit themselves and make peasants Prestidigitation the mess away. When the party asked to find a bathroom to clean up after a fight, I reminded them that they were in a place of nobility, and that Aleksa could find the magic janitor easily by identifying a dwarf with no laugh lines despite his advanced age, as Aleksa would have shat himself countless times in front of people like that to assert dominance. My players laughed very hard at this, but Aleksa's player was vehemently denyied that he would routinely piss and shit in front of poor people. I told him "you choose to play a bad guy, so I'm not going to apologize for railroading you in the stupidest way possible." This has been brought up a few times since, and he laughs at it but continues to insist that he doesn't like to imagine Aleksa in this way. Am I right to make his bad guy character follow in the pre-existing customs of the bad guy faction, or is this a case of Wrongful Razing? I humbly await your judgement, and submit to the will of the Crit. - Emily L.

Mister Mucci

To the glorious justices Murphy, Tanner, and Hurwitz, and the bewitching bailiff Emily. May it please the court I recently started a new campaign with a rookie DM. I have no problem playing with a fledgling DM while they learn to fly, but he seems to be insistent on the idea that there is an NPC travelling with us all the time. We received our mission from X, received some info from an NPC, and bought some supplies. The DM seemed to mention with specificity that the NPC had a fiancé. Said NPC then seemed compelled to come with us after pointing out to us on a map where to go. We told them to just stay with his bride to be and we would handle the problem. The DM seemed put off by this, but ultimately conceded after a little cajoling. Somewhere in the next hour of real time while we were roleplaying the travel and finding somewhere to rest, us PC's were riffing and having a good time making jokes and such. All of the sudden the DM talks in an Eeyore voice from the perspective of the donkey hauling our cart. The magical awakening of this donkey came out of nowhere, apropos of nothing. It feels like the DM is just giving the donkey the ability to speak just so they can interject during our RP moments when travelling. Once the donkey began speaking magically they talked what felt almost nonstop, and always had something to say when the party was riffing or planning. It isn't even helpful or all that relevant. The donkey just makes jokes or complains about being depressed and wanting to die. While it is only the first session, my gut is telling me this isn't something that is going to go away. Am I being a party pooper, or would I be justified in finding a reason to kill this donkey? PS I have a way of dragging the cart without the donkey.

Thefindingmoon

To the prestidigitated Justices and mended MLE, I bring to you the case of Bob’s Fiery Fate! In the last few sessions of our curse of Strahd campaign, we rallied a town of commoners to join us in facing off against Strahd. On the way to the castle we fought some monsters and sent a group of commoners ahead of us in the battle. The result, we managed to keep all 5 commoners alive and Commoner B AKA Bob, got a killing blow on a large fiend. We asked if we could have Bob become a level 1 fighter that we controlled and our DM gave this requested agency to our comrade Bob. We love Bob and in the next fight before Strahd he even scored armor and a flail that upped his AC to 20 and gave him solid fighting stats. I now bring to you the injustice. In our final fight against Strahd, Bob was knocked unconscious, on his third death save he rolled a nat 20. Everyone was elated. I said so Bob can take his turn right and the DM and one of the other players said very matter of factly that a nat 20 death save brings you to 1 hp but at the end of your turn. It really isn’t a big deal and if it’s a house rule fine, but they were saying it as if this was RAW. Bob ultimately survived 2 more rounds of combat, coming back to full with a second wind, gaining temp hp from an ally, surviving another strike and then met his demises to a high level fire ball. If Bob would have gotten his turn at the appropriate time, I believe due to placing he may have survived. At the end of the day we all had fun and I chose to revivify our paladin with my last 3rd level spell instead of Bob and we invoked a statue of him, but was I in the wrong for not speaking up for Bob or was I right to accept my DM and player’s incorrect ruling. I already had to smash one of my DMs counter spells due to the 60ft rule and wasn’t trying to be that guy, but I fear Bob’s fate may have been in my hands. I await your ruling. PS as a fun side note the Five Commoners were Commoner A (Adam) Commoner B (Bob) Commoner C (Carlos) Commoner D (Doug) Just Commoner (Prince)

Caleb

intro-deprived 2025! may it please the court: about two years ago, a friend (who I’ll call Chris) told me about this campaign he was in. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Chris was a more experienced player in a game with new players and a completely new DM. he was considering quitting after a few months, but the last straw was in a weeknight session when he realized the DM was completely making shit up. exhibit a: during combat, the DM said that an enemy hit but wouldn’t say what they rolled, saying “it doesn’t matter.” which it obviously does, as Chris pointed out, because of things like armour class. the DM finally gave a number which was lower than the character’s AC, then back-pedalled and said it actually just met the AC. suspicious!! exhibit b: later in that combat, the DM narrated the enemy doing what felt like way too much for a single turn. Chris asked about how the enemy did what seemed like multiple action spells in a single turn, to which the DM replied that they did “an action and a half-action” but *again* that “it doesn’t matter”. after some gentle reminders from Chris about action economy , which he disguised as confused/clarifying questions, the DM said “I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT”. so after that, Chris calmly said he was going to log off. everyone was chill about it, but they were all acting like Chris was the crazy one. so I ask the court: was the party right that my friend was unnecessarily rules-lawyering and overreacting to reasonable behavior from a new DM? or was my friend right to escape this truly unhinged campaign?

Drew Faber

To the venerated justices and the effervescent bailiff, I bring to your attention a case of banishment bunglement. May it please the court: My D&D group of work friends is all at varying degrees of newbiness, aside from our DM who’s played a bit, some years ago. My one friend is an absolute agent of chaos and above-table, we all fucking LOVE his anachronistic pirate centaur vengeance paladin whose vocabulary is 50% screaming “YARGHGHHH”. However, in-character, my very cynical paranoid cleric lowkey hates him, because the world my DM has created is literally full to the gills with undead, and everything is trying to kill us (hyperbolic, but you get it. The vibe is more Eldermourne than hot boy summer). So anyways the paladin always complains that everyone isn’t trying hard enough to help him get back home to the feywild. My cleric (again, all in-character) got fed up and so I decided to cast banishment on him. This was also inspired by the paladin being unable to attend a session, so my DM ok’ed it, didn’t tell the paladin what had happened, and handwaved it as succeeding without so much as a saving throw. At the next session the paladin returned to the party after having a brief moment in his homeworld, and getting a little lore hint fed to him in the process. But the issue is, I feel kinda bad that I decided—with only the DM’s input—that I would banish his character, not knowing at that time whether his character would return at all. My cleric fully intended to hold onto the spell until it was finalized, as the paladin would constantly talk about wanting to be back there, but my DM wisely made it work differently in this case so we could all continue as we were. I know it’s kind of a faux pas to make such big choices for another player, especially if they aren’t present to protest. My friend the Paladin ended up thinking it was funny and we all moved on, but I just kinda gave myself the ick to be honest. So given that all’s well that ends well, and there was no lasting harmful effect… do I still deserve to be sentenced at least a little community service? I humbly await the court’s verdict. (p.s., to avoid any future tension I have given my cleric a proverbial chill pill so I can relax more and have fun with roleplaying)

Grayson

To the jebroni justices and the Crowned Queen of the Wife Worms I don’t know if my case belongs in the courts or in church, but I leave my fate in your cat hair covered hands. I bring to you the case of the unfortunate nat 20. My husband is the dm for our campaign and we always end up playing the “if I roll a nat 20” game with the dice we have laying around the house. No matter how many times we’ve gotten ourselves in trouble with the ridiculous things we’ve had to do, we keep playing. Cut to a night we’ve had a couple drinks and he rolls and says “if I get a nat 20, I kill Schmitty”. Schmitty Werberjagermanjensen is my old as dirt goblin wizard I am playing in the campaign we just started. (I had already expressed my potential desire to make a new character.) His roll is not a 20 so then I grab the die and I say, “if I roll a nat 20, Schmitty dies peacefully in his sleep” and it lands on a 20. At first I was hysterically laughing at the idea of pranking our friends by having them wake from a long rest to find their goblin friend unmoving, but the longer we wait, the more sad it gets and the less I want to let go of my freaky little guy. This stupid game has been iron clad for our whole relationship, we’ve never strayed from the dumb 20s we’ve rolled. Will Dice Christ forgive me if I keep my goblin alive? Does it feel like a cop out to wait until the end of the campaign? Please help me decide Schmitty’s fate.

JJ S.

To the Honorable Crit Justices and the wormtastic baliff, I present the case of the Liquified Python 🐍. I'm running a western-style campaign and I wanted my players to fight a homebrew monster that resembled Rattlesnake Jake from 2003s 'Rango'. After making its statblock, I tried to show this to a couple of DM buddies, and they told me it had the capacity to TPK the party multiple times over. I argued that the party might be able to deal with this in a way they cannot foresee, but their stance didnt change. So, against my better judgment, I scaled it back a bit. Within the first 3 rounds, the monk ended up swallowed, dropped a potion of Aqueous Form into its stomach, and then made it out after some nice rolls from the entire party, leading to my monster being turned into a puddle that the party wailed on for the next 10 minutes. Despite everything, the party had fun and enjoyed their spoils afterwards. After the fight however, I was left wanting more, partly wishing I had knocked the party down at least once. Judges, I ask you, am I right to not feel satisfied with the outcome of this boss fight or should I resign my feelings as bloodlust and leave myself to a puddle punishment? I leave my life in your soggy hands.

ZoeyHorse (Afterdark)

To Twilight Sparkle Murph, Trixie Caldwell, Starlight Glimmer Emily and annoying dragon baby Spike Jake, I bring you the case of the time that friendship was not magic. I was DMing for my little pony themed d&d, where all the actual main characters had been frozen in time in the middle of Canterlot meaning the day night cycle was not properly functioning. The gang had the knowledge of how to fix this mess by traveling to hidden vaults around Equestria to gain powerful crystals that could solve the issue (filled with antient unicorn technology, breath of the wild style) Quite early on, one of the players (who is very into her roleplaying) let me know that her character, an earth pony fighter named Splinter, probably wouldn't actually want to stay with the party and instead go back to look after her family. She had initially been traveling with the party as hired protection, but had decided to stay since they were traveling towards where her family stayed anyway. This was fine with me, as it meant I had a chance to accommodate her request and add extra motivations for her character, and meant that she could still be having fun too. I then planned to have her family be kidnapped by the Changeling Queen Chrysalis. However, just before the part of the session where this new motivation was going to be added in, a different player character, a Pegasi storm sorcerer named Thundersnow, told the fighter pony that she was fired, due to an altercation they had the previous session. The player for the pegasus hadn't told me about her plan. The fighter pony said "ok" and left to go see her family. This blindsided me completely, and I was left to frantically redo my entire session plan and ended up finishing early, saying that I needed time to work out how to get the gang back together. I have yet to find a soloution since the two characters do not like each other at all. I've never encountered a situation like this before where characters actively don't want to be on the adventure. My Little Judges, should I have warned the other players that Splinter was already close to leaving so they knew not to do anything drastic without warning me first? Lots of love xoxoxo P.S Lou Wilson would be Applejack

Mnixon

To murph, Caldwell, Emily, & Jake :) :) :) Cheers, Me

RoleforThat

To the morally correct judges, and enlightened bailiff Jonk, Today, I present you with the case of the ruined pants. I ran a session where the PCs were ambushed by a group of assassins. The assassins were looking for something the party had, and so were trying to restrain them whenever possible. At one point in the fight, the bard of the group found themselves tied up and held hostage, as a way to leverage the rest of the party to surrender. On the bard’s turn, the player had the idea to pretend to die in the hopes that the assassin would walk away, which I admit is not a terrible plan. The part where I objected is that to sell it, the bard described falling to the ground and shitting their pants in order to prove that they well and truly died. I initially said no, but then the entire table yelled at me and basically bullied me into letting the bard make a performance check to convince the assassin that they had kicked the bucket. I set the DC at 25, and judges…..they passed. I then had to narrate their plan working and we moved on from there. But, to this day, I still feel like the plan was too cartoonish to work, even though all my players still swear up and down that it was an incredibly logical move. Judges, who was right in this situation, the scatalitious players or the uptight DM? I humbly await your verdict. P.S. The bard player in question was my then fiancé, and now wife.

Kristyn McClure

To the celebrated justices Murphy, Tanner, and Hurwitz, and the chic bailiff Emily, I present the Case of Christina’s Ceratotherium Contingency, My party just played an arc-finale battle in which we fought one of our PC’s elvin wizard father and annoying bitch cousin, Christina. 

In the second round, my character brought Christina from somewhere above 10 hit points to zero (rolled 29 damage), at which time a "Contingency" spell she had seemingly cast before battle was triggered to polymorph her into a rhinoceros with full polymorph hit points. The contingency she set was to polymorph once she was brought below ten hit points. However, the language of polymorph specifically states that “the spell has no effect on a creature with zero hit points”. My party briefly argued that damage happens all at once, not point-by-point, and thus the contingency would not have been triggered, since she went from +10 HP to zero, and was never technically at or below 10. Our DM was unmoved and we and continued on with a fun battle, but I humbly ask the court, was Christina’s Ceratotherium Contingency kosher, or should Christina have been KO’d.

Bubbalo Dee

The the goblin justices and the wife worm bayliff, I do not have advice case, but I ask you to give me some advice I play Iggy a hobgoblin circle of wildfire Druid who is an accidental arsonist in a wild beyond the Witchlight campaign, who got his reflection stolen by a witch/hag. He met some hobgoblins on the way to the witches hut who gave him a broach of a hobgoblin god and now I ask you If I were to multi class into cleric, should I go light domain for fireball and other spells, or once my character gets his reflection back, should I go trickery domain to have his reflection fuck around I will devote Iggy to whatever advice you give, many thanks

The Bard

To the Squishy yet Firm justices and the wriggling worm on the floor next to the balif's seat. I present the case of the Trifling Trio I play alternating sunday games at my local card shop, im playing a level 8 Halfling Rogue/Paladin The game is fine, it alternates between being completely directionless and entirely on rails, which i have learned to accept because i like the people I play with but recently, three high school boys have joined our table and are ruining the experience for everyone. they constantly speak over others, initiate PVP, essentially refuse to learn their character sheets and the store ower has repeatedly spoken to them about their behavior with no change. One of them in particular has attacked the party at LEAST once per session since joining they havent been removed because on of them is the son of the DM and the other two are his friends. Justices, am i justified in ditching this table for greener pastures? or should I stick it out and chronicle this game's descent into madness

Beluga, Gunks undersea mount that only drinks dr.p

To the supremely justifiable justified judges and the not so justifiably but ever-presently wormy and trollifiably bailiff, I present you the case of joke gone too far. I play at a small table with my friends that really plays whenever we have time (not often). We were set on a mission to find lost goblins who has gone missing in a nearby mine. We were on a path when we were stopped by 2 “guards”. One of my friends being more outgoing attempted to befriend the guards and proceeded to say, “Have you guys seen any mine-goblins?” The guards responded no and he bursts out saying “Mine-goblin deez nuts!” The table bursts out laughing and the DM rolls to see how well the guards can take a joke. Apparently he rolled poorly because the guards were mad. My friend then proceeded to try to “faint” and act like he was dying or something. The table thought it was a bad idea but it was too late. The dm gleefully said that the guards grabbed him and were going to take him to a nearby jail. The party them spent the next 3 sessions trying to jailbreak him, while he sat there rather stone faced and bored. Judges, was this the fault of our joking bard or was the harsh punishment of jail time from the dm too extensive. I sit in my little froggy chair slurping my slushee obnoxiously loudly awaiting your justifiably justified just justification.

Garrett Grosser (one big curd)

To them good Ole judges and the crunchiest of cheese curds of a baliff. I present to thee the case of Newish DM vs even newer aquantense. I have had few long running campaigns especially in the beginning of my years of play. On one such instance of starting a Campaign of exploration and wonder. The party I had Started DMing for was to search for a creature and study it movements. Said creature was in Google image search terms the flying fox d&d. A group of monks had promised great reward to the party if they could successfully get detailed observations of said creature. The party obliged and made out to different sectors of the jungle in order to observe and complete the objective at hand. One such member decided observations was not the only thing that could be done. Instead opting to poach the Flying Fox and bring it back to the monks would be just fine. I stated that wasn't really part of the monks objectives. The other members of the party noticing my panic at this strange twist of plans said there characters were to stop him from killing the creature. On strength checks which they had passed being 3 to 1 they subdued the would be killer of the flying fox. Player semi immediately opted out of playing the game. To the court I ask. Was it wrong for me not to let this new acquaintance have his murderous fun in the sun. Should I have argued for my other part of the party to not subdue him so fast.

Ashlyn Bonnett

I have a dice christ confession. I shamelessly ignored 50 percent or more of my dice rolls as a dm to reflect what was most narratively satisfying. I knew I couldn't do it all the time and to keep the illusion of honesty I'd fake rolls that weren't in favor of the plot. No one ever knew although I think my husband suspected. I don't feel bad either. We had a lot of fun. Is that awful? I guess I'm seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like dice christ has punished this behavior in the least tbh.

Jordan S

To the illustrious judges and the insolent bailiff, I present the case of the timid villain. Several years ago I was in a Curse of Strahd campaign with a group of close friends. It was a gritty and intense campaign, with lots of player character deaths. Towards the end of our campaign our DM announced that the rest of the party, aside from my character (a fortune telling divination wizard named Nadia) was transported to an alternate reality in which Nadia was the BBG. He then told me that I would be playing a beefed up version of my pc for this session; he explained that Nadia was level 20, had access to any wizard spell, could choose any number for her portent rolls, was evil, and wanted to kill the party. I was surprised but delighted by the impromptu pvp and the opportunity to play a villain, and the rest of the party engaged with the idea immediately. We rolled initiative and I went first. I spent a moment thinking about what to do, and it hit me; I would cast feeblemind on Magpie, our party’s cleric, and use my portent rolls to force her to fail the save. No one else in the party had any capability to heal or fix her. It was a diabolical move, and I knew it was exactly the first thing an evil version of my pc would do. But there was a problem. All these players were my friends. The girl playing Magpie had been in my wedding party, along with her in-game boyfriend, our party’s barbarian. The thought of doing something so nasty to my friend’s pc was horrifying, so I asked our DM if this was just some kind of dream sequence where consequences wouldn’t matter, or if my evil pc’s actions would have lasting in-game consequences. If I mentally crippled Magpie, then even if this evil version of Nadia died… would my friend’s beloved pc that she had played since day one of our campaign just be permanently crippled? Or what if I cast Finger of Death on my husband’s pc and forced a portent fail, would his character actually die? Our DM shrugged and said, “You’ll find out.” This sent me into a panic, and I agonized over what to do. It seemed like our DM had created this emotional, cinematic fight, and I really wanted to be a good villain. I explained my concerns to the DM and mentioned that I was thinking of feebleminding someone, but again he just said “You’ll find out.” I’m ashamed to say that I chickened out of my villainous plan and just spent the whole fight casting low-level spells and targeting our party’s beefy melee characters with things that wouldn’t really hurt them. After a long and boring combat, evil Nadia was destroyed and all the other party members were bloody but okay. Our DM then narrated how the pcs returned to their version of Barovia, with Nadia having experienced none of the situation. We ended the session there and successfully continued on through the campaign, but my uncertainty in that session has always haunted me. Justices, should I have acted like a ruthless villain and tried to kill/debilitate my friends, or was I justified in chickening out and not wanting to hurt my fellow party members? Should my DM have given me more inside information about this harrowing situation?

SoupLightning

Arthur Aguefort was pretty clear friendship isn't magic. The most powerful magic of all is Chronomancy!

radi (Josh!)

To the high priests of Dice Christ, and altar baby boy Jork. I point my toes to each other and hold my hands behind my back, hanging my head in shame. The campaign I’m in plays with Pathfinder 2e, and we are currently on a journey to save our logging village from being encapsulated by a wall of ghosts and horror. On this journey, we’ve fought many a battle! And had several close encounters, as our rolls are very commonly low, be it damage or ability checks. We were escorting a young woman who had turned out to be a humanoid head that decaptiates its prey, and reattaches itself to the body of the victim. I play a Summoner who serves as the meat shield for the team, and that encounter alone had me down to 1 HP. I did not have my eidolon present, so I asked my DM if I could summon my emotional support rock, and cast Lifelink Surge. It is guaranteed healing for 4 rounds (6 each round at my level), and out of combat I had assumed we had downtime. Such is the source of shame. I added 6 more hit points to my character’s health, and my team had more exploring in the area to do, as such we encountered 4 possessed burning monk zombies and our next encounter began. I felt my little rat folk character was on its last legs, and I had 3 more rounds of lifelink surge left, but one zombie came up to me and used a screaming ability that inflicts burning unless you roll a critical success in the saving throw. Your holinesses, I did it. And it was INCREDIBLY hype, as it was flavored that I screamed back to block out their cries from hell. The combat only lasted a couple of rounds with a few interesting successes, and we got to recuperate after. My shame lies not with the crit success but with the downtime heal that I applied in our brief moment out of combat. Was I wrong to apply it without letting my DM know? I am willing to accept any judgement, and any advice on how to handle downtime. Thank you.