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Tortle Tank Submissions! (Patreon)

Published:
2025-06-25 13:51:17
Imported:
2026-06
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Surprise, Hatchlings! The Tortles will ALSO be convening this afternoon and we're looking for players and DMs to pitch their Homebrew rules and creations. We've got a fresh batch of eggs that we're ready to deploy!

Comment with your ideas below. As always, remember to keep your pitch tight!

Thank you!

Jake

Comments

Trevor Brown

Cold glue you heat it up to set it do you don’t gotta burn your hands

Stansky

Tortles! Are your wizards exhausted by needing the new (awful) counterspell as a basic survival tool? Are you irked by your DM's smirk as he says "no, this isn't a spell, it's a monstrous ability"? And when you DM, are you tired of ripping your hair out as your players refuse to let your cool bad guy do the magic thing without getting counterspelled? I would love to introduce you to the homebrew solution! Spellbind 3rd-level Abjuration Casting time: 1 reaction Range: 60 feet Components: V, S Duration: Concentration, up to 10 minutes Classes: Wizard, Sorcerer You attempt to bind a spell or magical ability being used by a creature you can see. If the creature is casting a spell of 3rd level or lower, or if it is using a magical ability, the spell or ability is successfully bound. If it is casting a spell of 4th level or higher, make an arcana check. The DC equals 10 + the spell's level. On a success, the creature's spell is successfully bound. If that spell or ability is bound, then it still resolves normally, except: you are immune to its effects for this spell's duration, and the creature cannot use or cast it again for this spell's duration. At Higher Levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 4th level or higher, the spell is bound if its level is less than or equal to the level of the spell slot you used. NOW the ability goes off at least once, your wizard can survive that ability, and you have a fun mini game of locking the BBEG's best magic behind a concentration save! All I ask to make this a reality is a number of eggs equal to 10 + target spell's level, and an endorsement deal from Saccharina Frostwhip.

Panner_Samuel

I have this dice I got from a comic con that has hearts, skulls, ones and twenty’s that I make my players roll in dire situations. I had one roll it when trying to convince Stradh to not kill them mid combat with a persuasion check, and he got the heart!! It was a crazy situation the entire table went crazy, I think it’s a fun addition because when I pull out the dice they all get really scared because the skull means death lol

Connor Proudfoot

Tortles! I have a homebrew rule that a friend of mine came up with that I think is absolutely the best. If you roll an attack and get exactly on a creatures AC, you do half damage, and the same if something hits you. The idea being it is just about hitting you. This has made some amazing moments in our games and I think it's a great rule.

Dave 3D Art

Short, and simple homebrew for making a Gundam and/or giant battle robot one shot. Pilots are level one PCs, the Gundam/mobile suits are level twenty. There is no leveling for longer campaigns, but each player can grab a feat for both their pilot, and Gundam after every session. Have tested it briefly, and was astonished by how many character builds can actually work in this method. It's easier than playing Lancer.

Fish Harlan

Tortles, I am here to present a new method of stat generation for characters. I found this originally created by someone going by JohnnyCanuck, though I have modified it for my own means. This is the 24DL6 method. Rather than roll for each stat individually, instead, roll 24d6 and drop the lowest 6 results. Then, assign the resulting dice to each stat. Each stat must have at most 4 dice, at minimum 2. Stats cannot go over 18 with no required minimum, but a suggested minimum of 6. This method has all the randomness of dice rolling with all the customization of point buy. It has generated some incredibly powerful characters, and one warlock with a 4 strength. It allows for a wide range in the party as well, both in terms of stat distribution and stat totals. Tortles, I am offering 50% of future chaos in exchange for just like one really crisp high five. I'm open to negotiations.

Caleb Fifer

Esteemed Tortles (but especially Jake, my Twin Flame) hear me out: The Perfect Dick Size Formula. 1 D20 + CON modifier, divided by 2. Via PEMDAS it reads as such: (D20+CON)/2. For example: a fighter with +3 Con rolls a 12. (12+3)/2=7.5 inches. This allows for a by the books way to decide one’s dick size (cause let’s be real, it’s not inconsequential.) I am seeking three of your best eggs for a 49% share in my stock.

Thomas M. Pflanz

Tortles, Legendary Resistances blow. They put up a wall for the spellcasters and they do nothing to prevent your incredible BBEG from being crit over and over again by the melee characters. What can be done about it? Introducing, Legendary Deflections! These work like Legendary Resistances, automatically letting the creature succeed on thewir saving throw, however they can also be used to turn any hit into a miss! A hit from one particular creature/character can only be blocked one per round (so you can't block ALL of your Paladin's attacks). To compensate for the increased rate of burning the resistances, you adjust an existing creature by increasing its Legendary Resistance total by around two times (3 Resistances = 5 or 6 Deflections, 5 Resistances = 8-10 Deflections). I am asking for three-ish eggs for a 69% stake in my idea. Thank you for your time.

Parrot Paramour

Hello Tortles. This one is quick. Tired of rapiers being the only d8 option for dexterity based characters? Here's a simple solution: Make flails finesse. Now you have a bludgeoning option for rogues, dexadins and the like, and an oft-overlooked weapon might actually see play at your table. For 99.999% of the idea I am after 1 egg per point on the head of a morningstar.

Heather Fleming

Do you hate that your DM has so many tricksy little secrets? As a player do you feel vulnerable and exposed as your DM rakes you over the coals emotionally and (in game) physically destroys your character? Doesn't that just feel so unfair and unbalanced? My proposal to the tank is simple. Naked DM. If they want to hide their sneaky little secrets in game, then they shouldn't have any secrets IRL. This idea can be yours for one perfect glistening egg.

Corey Ruef

Kickflip Horse- a horse that you can kickflip Alternate idea if that isn’t good enough for you guys. Pop Shuvit Horse- a horse you can Pop Shuvit One billion dollars thx

Alec Posta

Bonjourno Turts! I present to you an item sure to tickle the fancy of shenanigan prone players everywhere: The Rock of Relativity. At first glance it’s nothing more than a pebble. Not very useful you say? Well, it’s just a matter of perspective. When a creature attunes to the rock, it appears the same size to them no matter their distance from it. To everyone else, however, the rock grows or shrinks to maintain its constant size relative to its observer. At a distance of 30 feet your pebble packs the punch of a 1ft diameter boulder. More distance = more size. The only limit is your imagination! Will you strap it to the end of a whip to dramatically increase its damage? Or maybe try to coax your BBEG to the bottom of a cliff: a prime spot to be crushed by a rock! “Overpowered!”, I hear Murph shouting from the back? Don’t worry DMs; balance in all things. The user remains attuned to the rock as long as they’re within 30 feet of it, but beyond that range they must maintain line of sight on it or attunement breaks and it reverts to its original, tiny size (which can be quite hard to find, wink wink). Also, if it gets too big, it crushes under its own weight, destroying the magic inside but leaving a brand new mountain in its final resting place. For ease of math; I’ve been equating its combat utility to fall damage: +1d6 damage for every 10 feet away from the observer. I ask only for two eggs, but I request your biggest one, as well as your smallest.

Mica K

(flirtily) Hey Tortles, do I have a pitch for you! Are you playing a group of world-renowned adventurers? Does your party have name recognition? If so, I'd like to introduce - the Popularity Bonus. Similar to a Proficiency Bonus, in that it is added to certain rolls, but different because it is based on your Party's name recognition. The scale goes from -3 (Disliked) to +3 (Liked). When someone from the party is using their adventuring status to persuade or gain insight (or anything else, really!), they may add the Popularity Bonus, at the DM's discretion. In return for sharing custody of this idea, I am asking for shared custody of one (1) brood of eggs, please.

Nick Lindstrom

A stoic samurai methodically whets her blade; a dedicated monk meticulously practices their martial art; an obsessive wizard pores over an ancient spell tome. Hey tortles, let's broaden possibilities and create more opportunities for players to engineer cool character moments. Tortitudinous Tortles, I present to you the SHARPEN action: during any long rest, a player may choose to spend one hour "sharpening" an action. The action must be specific, e.g. longsword attack, unarmed strike, spell. If a player spends 1 hour (negotiable) of focused* sharpening, they are rewarded with a temporary +1 to hit with said action that lasts for 24 hours. If a spell that deals AOE is sharpened, the save DC for that spell is temporarily increased by 1 . Sharpened actions that deal nonmagical damage recieve an additional +1 temporary damage bonus. *If your players begin to really abuse the sharpen action, you can hammer down and impose concentration checks to determine whether the sharpening was successful, but honestly who cares it's a temp +1. Tantalizing Tortles, I am asking for an edible arrangement and some gas money in exchange for a whetstone, an edgelord, and a thousand yard stare. SHARPEN UP!

Vincent Ryan

Hey there tortles. To the wet and wonderful, I propose the Unlucky Feat. In the spirit of the Lucky feat, this is someone with just absolute chaotic luck that sometimes works in their favor. 3 times per long rest before an attack roll, ability check, or saving throw is made, a player can claim “bad luck” on the roll. For every point below the threshold, they win an inspiration point, for every point above, the DM gains an inspiration point. Picture This: The unlucky player attacks, and rolls a 10. The AC of the orc was 15, so on a roll of their choosing in the future, they can add 5. This addition can be made at any time even after a roll. They can be added to your own checks, or removed from an enemy’s checks. But.. they are unlucky. If they go over, those are points to the DM to do the same.

foster the boneless duck

hi tortles! i am seeking your most interestingly-patterned egg for a 51% stake in my idea, ✨ The Occult Check✨ every dm has been there, you've got thrilling lore and shocking secrets you wish to reveal to your players to make them despair, rejoice, or form trust issues, and your friends have once again made a group of entertaining idiots. how will they ever roll above an 11 to find out that traces of necromancy linger in their deity's temple or recall that the bloody sigil defacing their deity's altar is that of myrkul? they won't. they never do, and how can they with a -2 to arcana and no wizard in sight? easily! give your resident charisma caster access to ✨The Occult Check✨ and spill all the lore tea you want as those 23s start rolling in. simply let your players swap out a proficiency in a history, arcana, or religion to dabble in the occult. this modifier can be easily calculated as charisma + proficiency, or simply direct them to their spell attack bonus. [i watched an episode of dragons' den before i typed this so i hope the vibe is accurate]

Pablo

Shello! Meet the Fey-skull Familiar: A fey spirit trapped in a flying skull that follows you around and tries to help by warping your fortune. You have one Luck point replenished daily, and your nat 1s and 20s are reversed, including when rolling with advantage or disadvantage. (So a 1 & 2 with Disadvantage = baffling success, but a 19 & 20 with Advantage = spectacular failure.) If you roll a 1 AND a 20, the spirit is freed in an absurd yet mostly harmless burst of chaos magic, determined by the DM or a random table. (Example, everyone’s positions are shuffled in explosions of confetti, or your foes give everyone bardic inspirations with a perfectly choreographed dance.) What happens next is up to y’all, I simply ask for a deviled egg with mustard custard to feed this mischievous lil’ thang.

Jason W

Hello Tortles. One rule my games have run that i was originally against but now love is healing word does not work on someone who is knocked out since they can not hear you. It adds a bit of spice and danger to campaigns to not just have a bonus action safety net of healing and requires more strategic gameplay. I am only asking for 500 eggs for 25 percent of the idea. Thank you Tortles!

hobblelobble

Good afternoon Tortles thanks so much for your time and consideration. I am seeking your investment for the Mellow Bong of Brain Warp today! This item has the potential to shake up your roleplay while also buffing and hindering some mechanics. A player who takes a bong rip will find themselves gaining a buff in nature and insight, but will impose a penalty to your perception and stealth. The effects cannot stack, they last 10 minutes. Charges renew after a long rest. Charges can be used at level 0-the players level, one charge per. On each bong rip, a player must also roll a d20 for a trip vibe. Similar to a wild magic surge (stacked), the first hit surges on a nat1, the next on a 1 or 2 etc., and resets after a surge. On a surge a character forgets the most recent thing they learned regardless of its importance. On a natural one, the character has a BAD trip and is subjected to the fear condition until the effect ends (10min) or an ally can ease your bad trip (persuasion DC 18). Tortles, I would appreciate any eggs you could contribute to the cause, but if not eggs than please just point me to your favorite sunning rock! Level buffs 0: +1 / -1 1: +2 / -2 2: +3 / -3 3: Adv /Dis 4: Adv +1 / Dis -1 5: Adv +2 /Dis -2 6+: Adv +3 / Dis -3

Yashuntafun

Greetings Tortles! What's that you're chirping? You and all your players have a craving, and that craving is for magic items? But four out of five marine veterinarians agree, the same old sourcebook magic items are either too boring, too complicated, or game-breaking--sometimes all three. Don't we all crave simple magic trinkets that are surprising, flavorful, and that might, by some slim chance, be the perfect item to overcome a challenge? What I bring to whet your hungry beaks today, is a method to inspire delightful minor magic items. With a set of story dice - d6s with simple pictograms on each side - you can have a nearly infinite trinket generator. I recommend a physical set; you can buy them or make your own; or there are online versions you can find. Take a pair of these dice and roll them, then let the images spark your imagination what the item could be. Here's a few examples I've created with this method: A ladder + two people shaking hands: The Social Ladder, a portable ladder that can extend between two willing people up to 50 feet; unless they bicker or show annoyance, then it collapses instantly. A hand + a puzzle piece: The Piecebringer, a glove that lets you, in a certain radius, summon all the fragments of a broken item you are holding in that hand. A feather + a lock: The Tickle Picker, a lockpick set made of feathers that gives advantage on lock picking checks, but requires a CON save or you loudly sneeze. These are just a few of the dozens of items I've created with this method. My players seem to really like them, and I'm confident you and yours would too. In exchange for this idea, I'm asking for nine of your most ambiguous eggs. Thank you Tortles!

Matthew Harvey

Tortles! I bring to you not a big game-breaking homebrew rule, but a simple equation to figure out specific DCs. Setting the DC to identify spells, magical effects from spells AND altered versions of spells at DC15 + the spells level. BBEG is controlling people with dominate person? (A 5th level spell) that's a DC20 arcana check to identify it. You can also grant spellcasters advantage if the spell appears on their spell list, this rule sets the DC's so DMs don't have to fumble to pick an arbitrary number out of the air, I'm seeking a small investment of 15 plus however much you like the idea. Thank you tortles.

Alex W

Hey there Tortles! May I present the Drunk status condition. I am DMing a bachelorette one shot for my friend getting married and the rest of the bachelorette party. I decided the game should be a bunch of PCs going on a bachelorette trip and came up with the Drunk status condition to fit the vibe. After you drink one more than your CON modifier’s alcoholic drinks, make a con save equal to 10+ the number of drinks consumed. On a fail, you become Drunk. There are 4 levels of Drunk. The first is Tipsy, where you have advantage on CHA and DEX checks but disadvantage on WIS and INT checks. The second is Buzzed, where you have disadvantage on DEX checks and saves but advantage on STR checks and saves. The third is Proper Drunk, where you have disadvantage on all attacks and ability checks but believe you have advantage. The fourth is Blackout, where you must make a WIS save (10+ number of drinks consumed) or lose all memory of the events that occur at this level. You also fall under the Poisoned condition. Tortles, for the price of just a single egg to raise as my own child and blessings of good luck for the bride to be, I would give you 65% stake in this condition.

Muqtadaa Miandara

Picture this: you are in a green room with other contestants waiting for your chance to present your business idea to none other than the panel of business execs that comprise the judges of Shark Tank. You're in it for all the eggs, except that as you watch a feed of the other entrepreneurs presenting to the Sharks, you realize there is an additional panelist, another Shark in the Tank. Seated in the middle of the dais, there is what appears to be a man in an incredibly realistic Grinch costume, hell, it might even be the Grinch them self. As you observe the feed in this waiting area, it becomes increasingly clear that this Grinch possesses a potent entrepreneurial mindset, with a sharp business acumen that very quickly calls out potential problems, and seems to be able to identify which ideas are worth a lot of money. The only downside? They're absolutely brutal, reducing one entrepreneur to tears, and convincing another to never try to start a business again. Also, every offer the Grinch makes involves him coming to work directly with the Entrepreneur he invests in, becoming a wry and cuttingly witty companion at their side until he turns a profit. You think you have a winning enterprise idea - it seems right up the Grinch's alley. When you go up to present, he seems to be the only one really interested as the other Sharks don't seem to want to step on the Grinch's toes in his "area of interest". What is your business idea, and would you take the Grinch's offer of far more than the money you need for a percentage of shares, as well as a role by your side being a Grinch in your organization to everyone you interact with from then on? For clarification - he quits your organization after he's made his money back, and you are not paying him any additional salary or wages.

WittyLumberjack

Tortles! I have an engaging ritual I've been doing at the end of my sessions for the last 3 years that you might be interested in. Introducing the session MVP. At the end of every session, I will ask my players, "Who do you think was the MVP of the session?". This gets them to think about how they and other players contributed to a battle, out of combat skill checks, or just creative thinking during the session. This usually results in the players praising someone's actions during the game and choosing them as MVP. If they can't decide between just 1 player, I'll make those players do a roll-off to choose a winner. When the MVP is selected, they get a d100 roll to determine a prize that they'll find in the next session. I've toyed with the numbers throughout the years, but it generally works as follows: Bad roll (1-33) is a minor consumable like a healing potion, minor scroll, etc Average Roll (34-66) is better consumable like a magic arrow, potion of invisibility, etc. Good Roll (67-89) is an Inspiration, used to re-roll a dice when they choose to Great Roll (90+) results in a magic item that will be useful to the player I usually find a narrative way to introduce the items gained in the next session and the few times we've had 90's (and even a 100) have left players with excitement wondering what magic item they're going to get next session. My Offer: For 10 eggs, I will offer you a d100 percentage of my idea.

James Ekstrom

Something you tortles may not understand given you sell all your eggs, is the importance that newborn babies have in most people's lives. So what if, like me, you have a new born, and you like it, and you like rolling dice. You may be tempted to roll a d20 to decide their fate for life - but that is fucking nuts, what if you curse them with a nat 1? I present to you - THE LOW STAKES NEWBORN ROLL FOR BABIES Rather than a single D-20 roll to determine if they will have a good life, my patented* technique is to roll the dice as many times as it takes to get a 20, and say that is the baby's "lucky year". e.g. 3 attempts before a nat 20, their 3rd year is a little lucky. This way, you aren't determining your child's whole fate, just adding some pizzaz to some random year. What do you do when the lucky year roles around? Frankly i don't know, just wanted to roll a dice for my baby without risking a curse. For a 20% stake in this nonsense, I will take any newborns hatched out of eggs you don't spend fast enough. *no actual patent.

Andrew Swope

Hello Tortles! May I present the homebrew mechanic of battle scars, a way to have PCs carry dramatic combats with them over the course of a campaign. When a hit knocks a PC to 0 hp, the PC rolls a d4 to determine where the hit landed (legs, arms, chest, face). Depending on the result, the PC gets a corresponding injury with a slight debuff such as a -1 to strength checks for a ghastly cut on the arms. The injury goes away with magical healing or a successful medicine check, but leaves a dramatic battle scar. By the end of a campaign your PCs are hardened heroes whose bodies literally tell the story of the campaign! I believe this rule adds great flavor and roleplay potential! I only ask for a single, humble egg.

Caleb A.

Beseech me lords who’s name be Tortle! I bring to you today a method of rewarding player engagement that I’d be willing to offer any interested investors a chance to buy shares of -free of eggs- simply by contributing to our unique thinktank startup Who are we? Missives! The perfect method to reward the type of players who like to stay engaged out of session, and provide an easy avenue and framework for people to contribute to roleplay and character development, or the story itself, in a low stakes way Missives are anything that players contribute to the game, out of session, rewarded with a minor boon for the next session. Every group has an artist or a writer or musician who can’t stop thinking about the game when they get home, or any player after an intense fight or character reveal who wants to talk more about dnd but the session had to come to an end. By incorporating missives into your game, you give a framework for people to share their pieces of art, internal character responses to things that happened that session, or even parts of the game, like letters written to npcs. At the start of the next session, anyone who submitted a missive to the group can roll to get a minor or sometimes major reward. Players who do any creative work on the game anyway now have a predetermined framework to get rewarded for their “extra credit”, and the enthusiasm about the game is so infectious, all the players get into it over the course of the campaign. Not everyone submits something every week, but if the players know they’re going into a big fight, or had a crazy character reveal, they will inevitably submit something that they were working on to get the reward. My current missive table is a d6, but can be easily adapted to dm preferences to fit the table. Rewards Table 1. Achieve critical success on a one check before the dice is rolled. 2. Re-roll one failed attack roll, saving throw, or ability check. 3. +1 to all saving throws, attack and damage rolls 4. Receive advantage on 3 tests before roll (check, attack, and saving) 5. One re-roll of someone else's attack roll, saving throw, or ability check 6. Receive a magical consumable (random, dm digression) 1 - 5 last one session only. 6 persist across sessions While mostly minor, the +1 to saves has prevented a near tpk at least twice, the occasional random potion is an interesting curveball to throw into a party, and every character that crits dreams about getting a 1 on the d6 This was a great mechanic when I was introduced to it and every player I’ve had missives for has contributed multiple times, with incredible fiction and poetry, heart wrenching character work, or artwork depicting moments. Everyone knows it’s optional, but it brings the party together to learn character thoughts or reactions to things they couldn’t share in session.

ImmortalCrow786

Great tortellini tortles. And Jim i think? I've come to you today about body enhancement magic. Anime, TV shows, movies, ect. They always have magic that makes the body stronger, faster, more resilient. There are some spells in dnd that do buff but I would like to put out a single spell that would increase your stats by a single point starting at lvl 2 so that your stronger. Higher level versions of this spell would raise the increase amount and allow your character to truly feel like a mage with attitude as they kick your buttowski. Could be like an Eldritch invocation for pact of the blade or a spell for the blade singer wizard. All I want is a single egg that smells like cotton candy to use as a candle thank you. Also love you guys thank you for all you do.

xatlern

I was just thinking about Tortle Tank and it appeared in my inbox! Amazing. Here's my pitch for "Share Spell" Somewhat inspired by the Shield conversation from the previous episode of Tortle Tank, my proposition is for a new kind of Metamagic for Sorcerers (or anyone who takes the Metamagic Adept feat) called "Share Spell." Much like Distant Spell allows a player to cast a spell with a range of Touch at a distance of 30 ft in exchange for a sorcery point, a player could use Share Spell to cast any spell with a range of Self on another character. This would allow a Sorcerer to cast spells such as Shield or Disguise Self on their allies without breaking the balance of spells that are intentionally a certain spell level. In the spirit of sharing, all I'm asking for is one egg that you will co-parent with me. Thank you for your time.

Kenzie

Tortles I give you an idea to make roleplay a bit easier for new players or a table that is playing for the first time together. The rumors. Each player writes 4 rumors about themselves 1 true positive rumor, 1 false positive rumor (gossip that looks on you favoribly) 1 false negative rumor etc. As the player and DM you know which of your rumors is true and which is just exaggerated nonsense. The DM distributes the rumors to the other players. Now each player has random facts or short stories about the other characters. They assume all of them are true. This can be a good bridge for a campaign where the players meet in a local tavern they would know stuff about each other and can help guide interactions. Since each player wrote their own rumors they have control over how their character is seen by various NPCs and the other players. If you live in a small town/village/area of a city you know stuff about random people. The DM will randomly distribute the rumors so every player has different ones about each other. You can even add Charisma saving throws to see how favorable NPCs view the rumors. All I request is a spotted egg and some light praise I'm doing a good job and I'm an okay mom.

The Wizard Syndicate

Good evening Turts thanks for allowing me in the tank today. I’m putting forward an idea that should really be used across every game of DnD, even though it’s currently just a Variant rule. That idea is using skills with different ability scores. Constantly I hear of Barbarians who have to make intimidation checks but don’t feel like they can make it because their charisma is low. Or a sorcerer who can’t roll well on their arcana check because their intelligence is a -2. The rules as written say that these two checks are always intimidation (charisma) and arcana (intelligence) but the variant states that you can change the ability score needed for the skill with the DM’s permission or request. So now your barbarian can intimidate a guard by hoisting him in the air by the throat with an Intimidation (strength) check. Or the Sorcerer can look deep into her arcane bloodline and feel the magic out with an Arcana (charisma) check. This is all balanced by the DM deciding when and how these checks apply, and allow the players more freedom in roll play by playing to their characters strengths when they need it most. For perpetual use of this idea I would request 2 D12 of your juiciest eggs.

Dustin S.

Esteemed and noble Tortles, I present a work in progress a monster I have been quietly developing inspired in part by Alexandrite. The hive mind technoorganic minion. As the name implies it is a servent of a hive mind creature that learns as it fights. For every 3 to 5 rounds of combat its ac improves and every encounter the proficiency bonus improves, as the players increase in level and develop new abilities the minion will develop counters for the abilities used against it and when the players inevitably womp them the hive mind takes the information and assimilates it and uses it to makes more minions. Also the hive mind has the same counters and boosts granted to the minions.

Eli Barnes

Hey there Tortles. I present my feat Calm of the grave. Your adventurous nature has led you to be all to comfort with death. When downed you may choose to fail 2 death throws so that a pass on the last one stabilizes you and brings you back to 1 hp like a crit and a crit will bring you back to full with Deaths blessing. Thank you for the consideration I ask only for 1 slightly off egg.

PlausiblyPJ

Greetings wise Tortle Jake and fellow noble Tortles of the tank! I come before you with a magic item that is surely worthy of your most valuable eggs! I PRESENT TO YOU! The Ring of Whiplash! This ring fits tight on the owner's finger, similar to an elastic band. Once attuned to the item, the user has 3 charges the replenish every long rest. They can use a charge to target a creature within 60ft, either willing or unwilling that they can see and have a clear path to, forcing them to make a DC 15 Str saving throw. On a failed save, the caster and the target are propelled as if fired out of a sling shot, skidding across the ground and swapping locations with each other. But buckle up Tortles, this is where it gets fun! Whether the creature is willing or unwilling, the saving throw is still required because on a Nat 1, the target gets yeeted 30ft past the casters original position, falls prone and takes falling damage if hitting a solid structure within that 30ft. Imagine position yourself on a cliff or up against a wall and your enemy Nat1s on the save, taking 30ft of falling damage or being tossed like a rag doll to their doom! Or the panic of seeing your friend tossed 30ft past where you wanted them to be, giving up the strategic position you were setting up! Either way, you get to enjoy the visual of skidding like a stone on water, flipping off the enemy or high fiving a friend as you pass! I am willing to offer FULL RIGHTS to this item for the reasonable price of 50,000 of your finest eggs and a free meal at a little place, called Monjas, thank you!

Michael Griffith

Dearly beloved Tortles and Tortleees. I present you a much needed upgrade to the beloved Short Rest... Hit Die for Spell Slots Are you tired of being a squishy spellcaster, with not much hit points to begin with, which leaves your short rests essentially useless? May I present you the option, to regain small amounts of MP, in addition to your standard HP. By expending 2 Hit Dice, instead of health, you can regain 1 first level spell slot (each spell slot recharged costing double the Hit Dice). This is balanced because while casting cure wounds at first level is compared to one hit die, the versatility of a 1st level spell is worth at least 2 hit die. Not to mention, the more spells you recharge, the less Health your PC regains. At game breaking levels, at the apex, nay the zenith, the legendary lv20, the most broken thing you can do is use 2 ninth level spells a day, which is indeed disgusting (but not the craziest thing imo), HOWEVER; to ensure fair play, an optional rule can be to max Spell Slot recovery to the level equal to your PB. Dear Tortlettes and Tortlooz, I present the Spell Recovering variation to the Short Rest, and all I ask, is specifically a CR 8 Tortle (or Dragon Turtle) Egg. May it please the Court, Dice Jesus, and the honorable Tortle Lord

DMAN

Greetings to the fabulous Tortles and their illustrious tank full of gelatinous eggs! If time allows, please consider the following: You've been here before: the party was clearly supposed to be taking a long rest but due to a pesky Nat 1 persuasion check, the entire tavern wants to kick the hell out your all-kenku, all-bard party. All your spells slots are gone as that Calm Emotions taunts you from your spell list... I offer a Devils Bargain: when all spells slots are expended, when all you have is your own desperate lifeforce, why not tap into that resource? At my tables I offer the opportunity to cast spells when slots are exhausted, at a cost of 1 non-negotiable level of exhaustion (per spell level) applied AFTER the end of the next long rest. All other aspects of resting, and exhaustion, are unaffected, and this ability can not be used to acrue more than 6 banked levels of exhaustion at any given time. Torts, I am not asking for much, and if I am being honest I'm not sure I am ready to be an egg dad, so instead of eggs I humbly request your most authentic Grinch suit that has been stuffed full of loose marinara sauce. Thanks for your consideration

Randy

Good day to you Tortollinis and forgive my overly familiar greetings. I present for your consideration Overexertion Thus mechanic would allow a character to use an ability or spell they have already used their allotted charges for (ie: fighters second wind of action surge, Druid’s wild shape, wizards fireball) but in going beyond ( plus ultra) you gain levels of exhaustion. These levels are based on the spell level of the level at which the character unlocks their ability, which locks out any ability/ beyond level 6. The effect takes place at the end of the players turn as to not effect their current action. Example in a dire situation a wizard may cast chain lightning saving the day but dies of exhaustion after calling down the powerful spell. Dm discretion if they can access abilities above their current level but I would advise against that. For this I ask for your precious egg given to the tortle to your left along with a sincere compliment about them, and about I do accept Venmo tips @randy-tapley-1 Thank you Tortles

SockRat

Shello Tortles. Today I bring to you my Immovable Putty! Similar to the immovable rod, this Immovable Putty can be locked in the space it occupies with the push of a button. The similarities end there, and shenanigans begin! With it's original state being a 1' cube, the Putty can be stretched to whatever shape and size within the parameters of 6ft length, 2ft height, and half foot width. Once the pc has molded their masterpiece, just one push of the button and presto! You got an Immovable Putty creation! To see this idea come to life, all I ask for is 4.5 eggs with 15% royalty on any purchases. Thank you!

Thefindingmoon

Hi Turtles! I present to you our DM inspiration. Many often forget of the inspiration handed out by their DM. But what if Inspiration was used not just to turn a failure into a success but a success into a critical success. For our inspiration we used a d6 added to a role, But! We will allow the combination of your d20 and your d6 to equate to a twenty if the two numbers add up to that perfect number of success (20). I want all your eggs, but will settle for 10%

Gunner P

Goodmorning lovely Tortles and the plethora of tortliness which you all exude. I present to you the fun and light, yet strong and cursed item i like to humbly call... "The Duke" "Duke Redfang the Dreadfang" as this very unsettling sentient cursed blade refers to himself as, is a shortsword with your typical stats except for the fact that he is so bloodthirsty and obnoxious about it that it actually causes Disadvantage on Stealth checks. This adds a fun mechanic and flavor for Rogue type PCs that have insane high Dexterity making stealth checks almost mundane later on. The kicker here is that he allows the use of Vampiric Touch at will for the wielder. For every use of the spell ability the PC must pass a DC 15 Constitution save or have their Death Save minimums and save DC increased by +1 for every failed save. The condition reduces by 1 by every Long Rest, and casting of lesser or greater restoration by another on the wielder. I Humbly ask for your Tortliness' to shower me in your finest eggs so i may chef up some delicious Omu-rice

Mitch Peotter

Hello torts! Today I have a pitch for a remix of a magic item, Daern’s Instant Fortress. My pitch is to make it a little less instant, in its current form, the fortress appears instantly doing 10d10 bludgeoning damage, I plan to tweak this item to give to my players for a dungeon crawl that takes a minute to open and works like a video game fast travel point, so they can return to the surface once a day without having to retread the entire dungeon. I’m looking for the slowest growing egg you’ve got for 50% of this idea.

Spencer Stevenson

Combat is slow! Wanna speed it up? Subtract 10 from PC's AC, when they get attacked the roll a save against 10+ all the Modifiers attacking them this turn they get hit by all the ones they roll under. Say you have 4 goblins attacking you and they all have plus 2. You have an AC of 6 and you roll a 10 for a total of 16 you save against 3 of the 4 attacks. This makes combat faster and makes groups of enemies more dangerous. All the eggs please

frogwithhumanhands

Good day Tortles! Is your wizard constantly looking for spell scrolls? Are you tired of throwing the same loot table at them? I present to you the Scroll Search mechanic. Depending on how likely you as the DM think it is to find a scroll in a certain location you will have the player roll a d4, d6, d8, or d10 (i.e. in a long abandoned volcano settlement, roll a d10 and in a hidden library, roll a d4). If the player hits the highest number on the dice, they find a scroll. Then, have the player roll a d10 to determine the spell's level. Any scroll higher than the player's level can't be learned, but can be collected for future transcription or used like a normal spell scroll, with spells higher than player level requiring an arcana check to cast using the scroll. Which spell it is can then be determined randomly using a number generator based on number of wizard spells available at that spell level. For example, the player rolls an 8 on a d8 and finds a scroll in an enemy base. They roll a 6 on a d10--level 6 spell scroll. There are 31 level 6 core wizard spells. Pop that into a random number generator, they get a 19. They have found a "Magic Jar" spell scroll. I'm willing to sell you 40% of the rights to this idea for 40 bags of Chile Lime chips (because eggs make my tummy hoit).

Wren

Hello tortles, Have you ever noticed that 5e combat can be difficult to balance? My tweak to the long rest rules makes it easier to fit multiple combats between long rests which makes combat easier to balance and makes players use resources more strategically. May I present the 24 hour long rest. Simply, a long rest is a full 24 hours of down time. This down time can include any “non strenuous” activity including shopping, crafting, research, traveling by boat, train, or airship, or other similar activities. Anything less than the 24 hour rest is a short rest. For times that a long rest is needed quickly (say a dungeon crawl) magical pools or potions of long rest can give the same effect as a long rest (think the potions of angelic slumber from Baldur’s Gate) although these are rare and for special occasions I’ve been running this system for a few years and my players like the change as it raises tensions and gives them more set aside downtime for rp and low stakes shenanigans (for example stealing the left shoes from an entire tavern) I am seeking a 50/50 partnership for advancing this project in exchange for a dozen double-yolked eggs

Herr Fryer

Oh mighty Tortles and that other guy. Are you (Murph) tired of players saying they should have a shiny treat for rolling a nat 20 on initiative. Introducing the ‘look out’ rule. Any player who roles a nat 20 on initiative can role a d4, add their modifier and add that number onto the initiative score of another player of their choice. Essentially the character is so alert to approaching combat they have time to help a friend as well. As all things must balance there is also the ‘what tree - thump’ rule. A player who rolls a nat 1 does the same thing but the DM chooses another player and subtracts that score from their Initiative. I would like six eggs and one tiny slice of toasted sourdough.

Lan Tolleson

Good Evening Tortles. I’ve been incubating this idea in my game for a while now, and I feel that it’s ready to hatch and make its way into the sea. Rolling a nat 20 on initiative is currently a waste of that sweet, sweet luck. Everyone agrees. Everyone. How devastating is it to see that 20 and not even be able to go first because your initiative bonus is worse than a Crick Bullywug’s teeth? I have a solution. When you roll a nat 20 on initiative, you may place yourself ANYWHERE in the initiative order on the first round. The tradeoff is that when you roll a nat 1, you must go dead last, regardless of any initiative bonus. You have questions, I’m sure. The leading one is “why would anyone choose to go anywhere other than first in the initiative if they rolled a nat 20?” To that, I say that maybe you’re a Cleric, and positioning yourself lower in the initiative order to be ready to heal. Perhaps you and another party member have a killer combo that works best when you go directly after them. There are plenty of reasons why, strategically, you would choose to place your initiative somewhere in the middle, rather than first. Or maybe you just want to go first and get the first thwack. When you roll a nat 20 on initiative with this system, the power to choose is in your hands. My hatchling homebrew is crawling towards the sea where it can grow and thrive. I simply ask for a handful of your eggs, so I may craft an armor from the shells to better protect my child on the arduous journey.

Jakey Juice

Good evening tortles, i bring to you my own personal creation. Magic bugs. After receiving a "bug orb" the player can perform nature checks dc 20(+their current number of bugs) to find ecosystem appropriate bugs that have small passive buffs. As you fight with them they grown and evolve a-la darwins theory of natural selection. The catch? When the player takes 10 or more damage the bug makes a single death save, if it fails it is dead and the buff fades. Makeing the player decide if they want to gamble the bugs life or leave it in a cutsie little terrarium and let it live its bug life in safe boredom. Some of these buffs were a passive life steal, ever successful hit on an enemy regains 1 hp. From a masculine mosquito +5 to movement speed from a gracious grasshopper And even +1 to AC from a polite pillbug. I ask not for an investment of eggs. But rather a chance to flip stones in your tank and search for some nice nautical bugs.

Ryan Steel

To the 4 Torts in Skorts who ball in Courts. Birthday's are magical and of course all the Torts in the lands demand constant validation of self worth. I present the Birthday Surprise! A magical item that immediately grants the user's a birthday bash! Complete with a hero's feast, a level up, a pull from the deck of many things and finally one wish spell. A legendary wonderful item from the Arcana of the grand Wizard Ryan "Grinch" Murphy. I only desire 69 eggs for this magical item and it's worth at least 420.

polyglottal cracker

Greetings, Tortles, and thank you for your time. I know you're busy Tortxecutives, so I'll cut to the chase. What I have to offer you is something that, despite its simplicity, brings value and entertainment to both players and dungeon masters. With one small rule tweak, this can offer your adventures more depth, intrigue, excitement, and, as always, shenanigans. This rule tweak? A simple two words: Partial Fluency. Languages are one of the most integral, fundamental aspects of fantasy fiction and yet woefully underutilized in D&D because its mechanics are so clumsy. Either you know a language fully or not at all. There's no in-between. Not only is this wildly unrealistic, but it's pointless. Why should the DM both having NPCs speak in anything other than Common? If the players can't understand it, then they miss out, and if they do understand it, then why even bother? Just stick to Common and be done with it. The only time language comes into play is as a puzzle mechanic or potential roadblock, just to give casters the occasional chance to use that Comprehend Language spell they kinda regret picking. The Partial Fluency rule changes all of this. Instead of one language characters know flawlessly, they can take two languages that they're partially fluent in. When presented with an opportunity to read/hear it, they make an Intelligence + Proficiency Bonus check to see if they understand it. The DC is conditional, set by the DM, based on things like how legible the text, how rapidly the speaker is talking, and so on. Now, instead of a boring "Either they know it or they don't," you introduce the possibility of "maybe." Maybe that NPC they were spying on saying the prince was secretly a doppelganger but maybe it was the princess? Maybe the label on the vial says "Antidote" or wait, maybe it says "Poison"? With Partial Fluency, your vibrant, diverse, wondrous landscape filled with dozens of distinct fantasy races can have them speak something other than Common, and your players can have a reason to actually pay attention to what languages they speak (and kinda-speak). For this offer, all I ask in return is a single huevo. After all, one egg is an oeuf.

Hector Ortega

To the totally tubular tortles, I humbly present: the Final Rage. In a moment of desperation, the party’s barbarian can choose to call upon its most inner and primal rage. Along with the features of a normal rage, the barbarian is healed for half its hit point total, all attacks are made with advantage and you gain resistance to ALL damage. However, at the end of battle, the rage takes its toll on the barbarian as their heart stops and they have their final moments with their party. Tortles, this feature is all yours for low price of 50 shells and one piece of non-fucked lettuce. Thank you for your time.

Jake de Medeiros

Hey Tortles- I have a pitch for a D&D mechanic. As parties progress through the game completing quests they tend to amass friends and allies. In the same breath, if a party is cruel or hostile to a group, they’ll make an enemy. This phenomenon is what people commonly refer to as “faction points” - my pitch is developing a system wherein players are actually able to spend these points, and are therefore encouraged to play the game collaboratively and positively and not as murder hobos. Whenever a party makes an ally of a large group (a town, monarch, group of pirates, etc.), the DM should hand the party a custom “faction point” card, that can be played by the party upon unanimous agreement to shift a dire situation into their favour. This is essentially a beefed up version of the inspiration mechanic, where instead of just getting advantage on a roll, a party is given the ability to force the DM to make a situation significant easier or provide a significant strategic advantage. I don’t want your stinkin’ eggs

Runcible Shaw

Tortles, are you tired of toiling away in the story mines creating competing factions, complex narratives, webs of intrigue, and plot hooks for your players? Do you think player character backgrounds are a throwaway choice only there to give you some extra skill proficiencies? Well today I'm bringing you a product that solves both problems at once. Each background already comes with a short description and skills. What my system adds are allies and enemies. When a player picks a background they choose one group that they're on the bad side of and one group that they are allies with. For a simple example, if a player chooses the Criminal background, an obvious hostile faction would be local law enforcement. An allied group could be the local thieves guild. Do a quick brainstorm with the table of what each faction is called, what the factions goal is (ie the thieves guild wants to rob the royal bank), and a named NPC from each faction who knows the player. This should be a quick five minute discussion at most! It's okay if two players share one faction in common. Once you've done this for every player you now have between one and two factions for each player with goals, and at least one NPC personality. Now here comes the genius part... Decide how the factions feel about each other. For instance the Thieves Guild and the City Watch are obvious enemies. Maybe the Thieves Guild are tenuously allied with coastal pirates. Now what you have is a web of groups with allies, enemies, and plans that are closely tied to the players! Easily generate mission hooks by having an allied faction ask a player to help them toward their faction goal. Have a faction who is an enemy of the players or the faction they're working for interfere with the mission. Instant story! Instant conflict! Instant drama! Add numbers that can go up and down to track the players' relationship with each faction if you want. All I'm asking for is 5 eggs that each have their own motivation and personality. (PS this mechanic is shamelessly stolen and adapted from Blades in the Dark by John Harper, which you all should play some time)

Bob Hammerling

Everyone knows that being stunned sucks. You can't move, you can't attack, all you can do is sit there and watch your friends die. But talking's free, right? What if you could insult your enemy—or, if they're being a shithead that deserves it, your DM—so powerfully that you got your turn back? I propose the harsh language house rule: If you are incapacitated on your turn, you have a chance to deliver a purely verbal psychic blow to the enemy that incapacitated you; if the DM is suitably impressed, you get to play after all. There is no dice roll here—only your wits can set you free. This would also have the added bonus of generating more D&D court submissions, as inevitably people would take it too far and generate grievances that belong before the justices. The idea is yours for three eggs, and one head of extra virgin lettuce.

Evan Thompson

Hello tortles, I present to you Cerebus Satellite Radio. For only 6 eggs a month you can subscribe to the infernal radio station that broadcasts throughout the multiverse. All you need is a speaking stone. Works wonders for playing online with friends to play music through your campaign as well as give you a spare NPC to drop exposition with a little flair. I used this in my Avernus campaign and it was a hit. You can make a roll table for music and have a canon reason why music is playing through your adventure. Thank you tortles

Kevin Vega

Tortles I have a homebrew idea I've been toying with for 5e. I really like Pathfinder's damage resistance/reduction and weakness which are flat and apply on each hit (Fire Resistance of 5 means each time it takes fire damage -5 from it, and visa versa for Fire Weakness of 5). As its more incremental it can be applied more liberally and often, making combats more puzzley and supporting learning about foes without making the entire combat about it. There are many reasons it couldn't be 1-1 applied in 5e. However I am toying around with implementing flat but round/turn (still deciding) based system for 5e. So a Flame Cultist may have a Fire Resistance of 10 meaning each round/turn they ignore the first 10 fire damage they take. They may also have a Cold Weakness of 5 meaning if that each time they take cold damage in a turn/round they take an extra 5 on top (thus a cap preventing a Monk from putting on ice gloves and just doing an extra +20 damage each turn cause they slapped them 4 times). Thoughts?

Chief Parma John (Nate B.)

To the yoked tortles Brian 'softshell' Murphy, Emily 'Cooter' Axford, Caldwell 'Leatherback' Tanner, and their lackey pig nose turtle Joke, I come to you with the deal of the century disguised under a simple moniker. Beans Our D&D group has finally solved the blemish that plagues each and every players' character sheet, Inspiration. Beans, which seeks to replace Inspiration, perform two separate functions, encourage player participation, and lessen the workload of the DM. Beans work as followed: You have a Bean Cap of 5 Beans . When a player uses their character's personality traits in an interesting or meaningful way, interacts with other PC/NPCs to further an interesting narrative, or just has a good role-play moment that player may and should be awarded Beans. Any player may award any other player (or players) between 1 to 3 beans for their participation in said meaningful role-play on a scale of how well they performed or effort they put into the interaction. On any attack roll, ability check or saving throw you may elect to spend your beans in the 2 following ways. Before you roll, you may spend 3 beans to give yourself advantage, matching Inspiration which we have replaced. After you roll but before you know the results, you may spend up to 3 beans to modify your roll by that equivalent amount of beans spent. This new system is strong, but I want to reward my players who interact with their fellows and my world accordingly. I offer you tortles a 99% stake in Beans for the low cost of 1 fine egg, as I want to see my shared brain child flourish in the world.

LeafPockets

Tortles, PCs want to lie. They want to steal. They want to avoid guards and scorned exes. But if they're low level and lack mask of many faces, it can be difficult to get out of dodge. Consider the humble Wig of Disguise. It casts disguise self at will for the creature wearing it...but you're always wear the original, cheap-looking, garish Ronald McDonald wig. This adds a little risk and problem-solving to the ability. Guards may start wondering about these red-headed troubled makers. You can try to conceal it under a hat, of course, though that may be suspicious. You can also wear it over a hat to disguise yourself as taller. You can even wear it under a hat and over a hat to disguise yourself as a taller person wearing a hat! Sold to the best deviled egg, angeled egg, or egg with a djinn in it--thank you for considering.

MyrMonkshood

Shello tortle titans! Come hogliday season, are you ever struggling to find the perfect gift for the bards in your life? Today I present to you the Bardic Amplifier. On the tables in front of you, you should find this arcano-tech wonder for you to demo along with some complimentary earplugs. When plugged into their instrument, your bard may roll 1d4 every day to find out how many of their bardic inspiration rolls are super charged to the next level. 1d6 inspo becomes 1d8, and so on. This can be especially exciting for your low level musical friends. All I'm asking for is 200,000 Eggs for a 15% stake in this product and maybe Emily helps my bagpipes playing bard character cut a record deal.

Brandalf The Bae

Hey Tortles, I am a single father of 14 bastard children seeking child support payments and 28 softboiled eggs for 3% stake in what I call "Final Feast". You're probably reminded of the spell Hero's Feast which Final Feast is inspired by, but make no mistake, this addition to the game is quite different (kinda not really). Final Feast is effectively a less potent Hero's Feast where the participants only gain one or some of the effects (or any unlisted effect up to the DM's discretion). Instead of being magical, this feast's effects are powered by morale with the intended use being the night before a fatal (or final) encounter. We feel this homebrew opens up roleplay opportunities as well as making them more rewarding with tangible in-game benefits (temp HP, resistances, etc) that aren't overly powerful or reliant on a high level caster. Ps. I am willing to workshop the name but am not willing to leave without child support. Think of the children ❤️

Johanna Hanchar

Hi Tortles! I bring to you a magic mirror idea. This is a little compact mirror that can be used in one of two ways: 1. If the player is stuck on a puzzle, or unsure what to do they can ask the mirror for help. The mirror will answer their question (at the discretion of the DM) Or 2. The mirror can be used in social encounters to get juicy gossip about someone the player is interacting with--"Your cousin Cooter just had a spiritual awakening. Which is what we’re calling drunken teleportation accidents now!" Each time the mirror is used it will insult the character. Think phrases like, ""Is that blood on your face, or blush? Either way, it’s... not your color." And the player must take 1d4 psychic damage. (I also think there should be a limit to the number of times the mirror can be used per long rest, but as a new DM I do not have the confidence to determine what that number should be!) For full ownership/rights to this idea I ask for a tiny turtle that lives for 50 years because I cannot stand it when my pets die.

Connor

Hello Torts and Turdwits Have you ever been in the heat of battle and find yourself out of spell slots!! Well, no spell slots no problem!! With this new and not tested at all homebrew, made up by me who have never played before! You can now attempt to cast a spell but have to pass a check based off your spell casting ability. Now I am unsure what kind of DC to set for casting different level spell slots but my rough idea is something like 1st level spell slots DC 13 a fail causes 1 level of exhaustion or maybe the spell backfires or both 2nd level spells DC goes up by 3 a fail results in an extra level of exhaustion and the spell definitely back fires. The consequences will go up for each spell slot level and the spell you're trying to cast and can be determined by the DM. I want your input and am willing to give one of you lucky Torts a chance to use and make this better. All I ask for is 3 eggs over easy and a side of toast .

James Stewart

Hello Tortles! How many times have you been on an adventure and you realized that you could cross a dangerous ravine if only you remembered to add a grappling hook to your inventory? How many times have you been left high and dry on the road because you didn't have a charriot to bring you back to town? How many times did you ignore the cryptic warnings in demonic because you forgot your scholar on Abyssal curses at home? If this sounds familiar to you, let me present you with the Adventuring Day Planner. This magical spiral bound notebook let's you purchase whatever you need in advance BEFORE you even know you needed it (for a reasonable mark up, of course). That grappling hook? In your pocket. That chariot? Delivered at the perfect moment. That scholar? Already ahead of you and waiting in the dungeon. All I ask of you for this product is a heaping bowl of the eggiest custard you can muster

Niklas G

Roll to Defend! Greetings supreme tortles, I have an investment opportunity for the brave tortles, who are ready to grab destiny by the shell and an eagerness to roll for their own fate. With this mechanic you can wave goodbye to evil DMs critting and killing you, and instead take the responsibility for yourself! Here is how it works: Defense DC = 12 + monsters to hit bonus Players Defense Bonus = AC – 10 The attacked player simple rolls a d20 against the DC using their Defense Bonus, a 20 always resulting in a dodge/block/parry, while a 1 will be a crit against the player. This pairs extremely well with using average (or pre-rolled) damage of monsters, since you can quickly tell each player how many attacks to roll for and divide up the burden. Example: Hardwon is wearing full plate armor (18 AC), this gives him a Defense bonus of +8 (18 - 10). He is being attacked by a normal orc (+5 to hit), which means the Defense DC is 17 (12 + 5). Hardwon rolls to defend, he gets a 9 on the die resulting in a 17, just enough to block! The orc almost gets through Hardwons defenses, but he manages to push the orcs axe to the side and gets ready to counterattack! Thanks for listening to my pitch. For a 49% stake, all I ask for, is one of your finest yolks, you can keep the shell.

Storm

Cowabunga tortles and tortlets! Imagine it. You're a Paladin facing off against the demon lord of the 18 hells. Everything you've fought for, everything you've lost was all for this moment. As you're about to swing your blade, you deliver the sickest of one liners opum-Action Movie style only for the dice to leave your epic moment not so epic anymore after you Whif it. Thats where this special item comes in. The Shades of the Action Hero! These cool shades of epic proportions give the wearer plus 1 to charisma outside of battle. During battle, once a day when the person wearing the shades delivers a sick one-liner or heroic speech, the shades allow the person to roll with advantage, essentially a luck point for the truely sick and savage. Also, when you defeat an enemy with these shades on, you can put them on and deliver another one liner for the enemy to explode. This does nothing but make you feel good inside. I am asking for just one normal egg in taco form and a shout out to my boyfriend Sakura to increase the cool factor in combat by 200%.

Christopher H.

Good evening Tortles, today I want to present the Upcast Shield Spell: Redux Inspired by Nathan B's upcast shield. When the shield spell is cast at a second level or higher the five points to AC acts as a pool. The pool MAY be split with friendly creatures up to the level of spell slot i.e. Second level cast between two friendly creatures, third level cast three friendly creatures, etc. The AC pool does not exceed five. When shield is upcast at a fifth level or higher. You may add one AC point per slot level to the AC pool i.e. 9th level upcast is nine AC Point pool. When upcast is at a fifth level or higher the shield spell MUST be split between at least two friendly creatures. *Takes call* Yes, honey, I'm with them now. Not yet, no I'm about to close, yes I'm bringing home ramen eggs. Ok, love you, bye. * All I ask are for 4 AAA soft boiled eggs, to be used as I see fit.

Dirt Person

Tortles. Thank you for allowing me to slosh around in your tank. My proposal is this: As a PC loses HP, add a level of exhaustion. Say 1 level after a quarter of HP is lost, and another after half is lost, etc. Tweakable at the discretion of the DM. This would make combat feel more dangerous and provide incentive for the party to plan combat encounters with care. It also creates more tactical decisions for healers, since there is now a reason to keep their fellows above certain thresholds of HP, and not simply above zero. I require no eggs for the rights to this idea, but instead ask that I be allowed to live in this tortle tank outside of business hours because rent is out of control rn.

Michael

Tortles, everyone who’s ever played DnD has at some point looked at the higher level abilities of a class and thought “wow I can’t wait to get these abilities!” but everyone who’s ever played DnD also knows that getting there can take YEARS. But what if I told you I have devised a way to unlock high level play from the jump, with nothing but a regular session 0 as prep? I introduce to you the Table of Deeds, a quick and fun party building mechanic that unlocks the realm of high level play! Starting with your party’s cadre of newly minted heroes, a few simple rolls will determine the heroic deeds that elevated them to the lofty heights of levels 15-20. The first roll generates an archetypal quest, the second the dangerous and strange location that quest brought them to, and the third the BBEG that had to be vanquished in order to accomplish this. The table is entirely crafted by the DM, using a d6, 8, or 12 to keep options limited, and once the rolls are cast you bring those results together and quickly roleplay the highlights and lowlights of that adventure to flesh out your party of heroes with standard session 0 questions and techniques. Recovering a sacred relic from the under dark stolen by a greedy Dracolich? Slaying the general of an invading army of genasi in the plane of air? Rooting out the traitorous mole in a clandestine secret society in a magnificent magical city? All of these magnificent adventures can be played out in one session, bringing background and depth to your high level characters. Daring DM’s can go further, why not run the final encounter with your generated BBEG to really test out those girthy character sheets? Or even award extra feats and wondrous items befitting such deeds to really let how powerful the party will be sink in! For this simple hack to unlock the wondrous world of high end play, i simply ask for half of this years clutch of eggs, with 15% of each successive year’s clutch for e period of 10 years. Do we have a deal?

JesterTheCleric

Hey there tortles! Last episode, you invited me to join a thinktank to churn out new ceremony rites. My egg salary has been quite generous, and I am here to provide you with two of my latest and greatest ceremony rites. These, unlike my birthday rite, have not been playtested, so proceed at your own risk! Thanksgiving Rite The material component is everyone joining in on the celebrations bringing their own dish. The verbal component is a Hot Take™ you have for people to argue about. Please no politics though. Starting when guests sit down for the meal, all participants gain a d4 bonus to all constitution checks and saving throws for the next 24 hours. Everyone does get really sleepy though, so try not to partake of this rite immediately before doing something important, or you might just nap right on through it. Baby Naming Rite The somatic component is holding the baby. That's it. It’s a cute baby. What, did you want to splash it with water? That's just gonna make it cry. Let it nap, the parents need all the silence they can get. Anyways, upon completion of the rite, the baby's True Name is set in stone (unless it gets changed by a different rite). In addition, for the first 3 months of the baby's life, they stay asleep just a little bit easier. This is less of a big deal for the baby than it is for the parents, so it's worth the hassle to do the rite rather than just sign some papers. You do have to sign some papers for this but trust me it's worth it.

Amelia Chisholm

Hey Tortles, to keep up the Strahd theme do I have a vampire PC homebrew for you! The (fresh) vampire in my party has a magical set of rosary that lets her walk in the sun, but whenever she comes across another old vampire myth (garlic, running water, etc) we make a roll to see if it’s a real thing or myths that have developed over time. The best one to date has been a 5 on if killing her sire will result in her death - too murky to tell - guess they’ll have to kill the sexy vampire countess and see if their party member beefs it or not!

Lucy Lohrenz

Howdy Torts! I may finally have a use for “Caldwell’s Special Coin” (or DVD)! A new feat I call: Skin of Your Teeth (Revamped Lucky rules) There are some people who seem to get by on the thinest sliver of good fortune. As opposed to halflings, who seem to naturally have good things happen to them, these folk could truly be called lucky. After all, what is a victory snatched from the jaws of defeat if you can't see precisely how sharp those teeth are? Once per round, if a roll you make fails or a roll made against you succeeds, you may flip a coin; adding 1 to the total number on heads or subtracting 1 on tails. I am asking for either one humble egg or negative one eggs which shall be sent in the mail pending your decision.

Tykora

Tortles, shello! Tired or combat being too hard or too easy? Well have just the thing the enemy arsenal. If your players are getting womped hard bring out the cocky attack/moveset that use caldwell levels of shinanigans to toy with their enemy, getting absolutely bulldozed by your players bring out you last stand attack/moveset where the enemy deals heavy damage but at a cost whether that be calling upon ancient pacts, selling their soul for a burst or strength, or using a fragile treasured family heirloom. In exchange for this idea all i ask is 3 emergency pocket eggs.

Cinnamon's #3 Fan

Respectable Tortles, I am here to present a cure for advantage. Haven't you ever had a moment where you want to aid your allies more, but they already have advantage? Haven't you had a moment where your PCs are doing looney tunes bullshit but the worst you can do is give them disadvantage? Well no more! From the mech RPG LANCER, I present Accuracy and Difficulty. For each point of Accuracy, you roll a d6. You take the highest among them and add that to your d20 roll. For each point of Difficulty, you roll a d6 and subtract the highest value among them from your d20 roll. 3 Accuracy would have you roll 3d6 (1, 3, 5) and add 5 to your d20 roll. 2 difficulty would be 2d6 (3, 4) and subtracting 4 from your d20 roll. This way, allies can add Accuracy even if you have it, and enemies can stack Difficulty on you even if you're already prone/in mud/suffering from the flu. For a 70% stake in this idea I request one dragon egg to help me franchise a baseball team.

J.T.

Good morrow, Illustrious voluptuous torts, today I come to you with an exciting opportunity: We’ve all experienced the thrill of rolling that sweet Nat 20 on an attack, only to be let down by the damage dice. You’re telling me that I land a critical hit, only to still end up doing *less* damage than I would if I barely hit the enemy’s AC? That’s where this homebrew comes in. When you crit on your attack, you simply roll your extra crit dice and max the initial damage. This makes a critical hit *feel* like a critical hit, and adds to the excitement of that sweet, sweet Nat 20. Of course the enemies in your campaign will also benefit from this, it’s only fair. I offer 100% ownership of this incredible homebrew for a measly 18% royalty, in perpetuity, to be paid in eggs (wet or dry)

Jacob Heiss

Hey there Tortles! I'm here to pitch to you not just one item, but a whole new way to design magic items for your players. Don't you want to miss that sense of discovery when getting a new magic item? Well now you can have it with magic items with hidden abilities™! I'm proposing that every magic item has some hidden ability that only triggers when the character does something with the item to trigger the ability. Not convinced? Here are some examples of ones I've already used below. The Witch Hat: This is a hat that gave any magic-user wearing it access to the magic missile spell. Secretly, when turned inside out the hat would cast magic missile on everyone in a 10ft radius. The Coin of Chance: This is a coin that allows you to replace any roll with a 50/50 nat 1 or 20. Secretly, when tossed in a body of water, it is consumed and grants a wish. The Ladybug Phone: This was a Jitterbug style phone that could be used to summon one of four allies to help in a fight. Secretly, you could turn the antenna of the phone to produce a loud sound deafening everyone in the area. I'm asking for 100% of all of your worst eggs, I want quantality over quality here, for 30% of my idea. PS: I know this idea probably isn't actually great for an actual play show because it involves players just trying things that probably don't work with their items, but it's really fun for a home game!

Robert Stegmann

Testudine investors, let me set the scene. It is the darkest hour. Half of the party is down, and the rest are on death's door. Our heroes have lost, but that doesn't matter now. They will be luckily to escape with their lives. But maybe, just maybe, one of our heroes can risk it all to save their friends. These moments are some of the very best in stories, where the heroes are faced with an impossible choice or must make a great sacrifice to prevent greater loss. But what if there was a way we could help bring about these campaign defining moments. Introducing the Potion of Desperation. As a free action, a willing creature can consume this potion and restore half of their hit points and spell slots, enough to turn the tide in a battle. However, after one minute, the creature drops to 0 hitpoints and starts rolling death saves. When rolling death saves under the effect of this potion, nothing outside of a wish spell or divine intervention can heal them or help them with their death saves. If they succeed their death saves, they live but gain three levels of exhaustion. If they fail, they die. I am selling a 50% share of this idea for ten mops of squid eggs.

Puckered Vent

tortles, swim down and shut up, because I’m about to make one of you flippers rich. You ever roll a nineteen and think “oh my god so close,” tantalized by the crit? I present: gambling. With my homebrew rule, your players can now declare “ohmygod im gonna crit” and they can roll crit saving throws- same rules as death saving throws. If they succeed, BAM, they critted. if they fail? its a nat one now. you might be thinking “this is an objectively bad deal, a 19 is already a great roll, and the risk is a nat 1??” you would be right, but in dire situations? think bout it. this also doubles as a PSA against gambling; think marketing opportunities in schools, partnerships with DARE, government grants. anyway, the idea is yours for 2 pedigree eggs with fully paid private school tuition (i intend to raise them as my own and pit them against each other emotionally) p.s hate the show

Tophat Pete

The Sword of Sacrifice: A magic weapon which allows the wielder to chose to override their dice and get a critical hit on any attack roll they make with it. However each time they use this power the wielders Max HP reduces by 1d6.

Dany (Ryu)

Hello fabulous turtles, and might i say your shells are shimmering today! And please listen before you judge *cough cough* looking at you surphy. I come to you with a very simple feat to improve healing very slightly, but very potently. I present to you, the Great Healing Master feat. This feat allows, when the character casts a spell or uses an ability that restores HP, excluding spells or abilities that deal damage to steal HP like Vampiric Touch, the player may reroll 1s and 2s on their dice, much like the Great Weapon Master feat. This will make your 5th level healing word actually feel better, without doing anything broken for lower level spells like adding an additional modifier. For this small yet mighty shift, i ask for a seasons clutch of eggs in exchange for a 42.0% stake in the feat.

Lucas Na

Good day, wise and prudent tortles. As a DM does it ever feel a bit repetitive to have every DND competition in the gladiatorial arena? Ever feel let down by adapting OTHER sports to DND? What's the AC of a goalie anyway? The real world offers but one sport fit for the task: Roller Derby! Or in fantasy terms: Mana Ring! Just put your party against another equal sized team on a 150 ft track. Let that rogue or monk shine by making them your designated runner. Every loop the runner makes around the track is one mana--three mana wins the match!!! Every other player’s job is to get their runner around faster than the opposing runner. You’ll be blown away by the creative uses of spells and abilities when players don’t need to kill their opponents to win. Restrictions you ask? No flying or teleporting for the runner position and that’s it! For some drama, add a hazard on the outside of the track to push people into like lava or carnivorous plants. I’m asking for just eighty weighty eggs for your hometown to acquire their own Mana Ring team! p.s. GREAT way to run PvP--no hurt feelings, just friendly competition.

Niklas G

Greetings supreme tortles, I come with the following offering, a powerful spell! All I ask for is two striped eggs for a 10% stake. Trick’s Guy 3rd level conjuration Casting Time: 1 action Range: 5 feet Components: V Duration: Concentration, Up to 1 hour Classes: Bard, Sorcerer, Warlock, Wizard You speak a magical word and humanoid appears out of thin air beside you. You choose the humanoids race and general appearance. The humanoid believes it is a real person with a real background of your choice, it does not know it was summoned by magic, instead it tries rationalize how it got there. The humanoid uses the stats of a commoner. The humanoid is friendly to you and creatures you designate. It obeys your spoken commands, moving and acting in accordance with your wishes without thought of why. When the spell ends, the humanoid disappears and suddenly as it appeared. At Higher Levels: If you use a spell slot of 5th level or higher, the Duration is 8 hours. If you use a spell slot of 7th level or higher, the Duration is 24 hours. If you use a 9th level spell slot, the spell lasts until it is dispelled. Using a spell slot of 5th level or higher grants a Duration that doesn't require Concentration.

Nine finger Nick

Waddup tortugas!!! I bring to the tank a curse to make death a little more spooky for those resurrecting players. The Grave Eyes Curse: Any player who is brought back from death, or consorts with powerful necrotic magic, must make a DC15(plus the number of times the character has died) wisdom save. On a fail they contract The Grave Eyes Curse. The cursed see the lost spirits of the dead drifting through day to day life. If the player interacts with these spirits, they will become more real and active in the world of the living. Potentially becoming a fully fledged shadow or poltergeist! All I ask for this curse is an all expense paid weekend in Vegas, mini bar inclusive, on the company’s dime.

Evan Johnson

Shellom fellow tortles. Quick question, who likes rolling lots of big dice…? (Please ask for a show of hands now Jake) …Wonderful. I’m so glad you’ve all decided to invest before I’ve even begun. I’ve come to you all today to pitch my latest invention. Put simply, it’s a potion that will allow you to create new, deeper backstories for your in-game characters. It can be hard as a player to flesh out the many minutae of a detailed character history. But what if there was a way to create lore out of thin air… retroactively? I present to you: the draught of Peter Griffin To set everything thing up as the DM, for each of three d20s, create a list of 20: * Activities/events that could take place in your world * NPC and/or player characters in your world * Locations in your world. As your player drinks the potion and rolls the three dice, their character speaks uncontrollably: “Hey Lois, this reminds me of the time I [blanked] with [blank] at the [blank.]” Just like that, along with a quick flashback sequence narrated by the DM, whatever they have recalled is now retroactively canon, and officially part of their character’s backstory. This can lead to some hilarious situations, like your bard having gone on a ski trip in hell with the story’s main villain, but if you ever as the DM find that a player has landed on an item that feels too out of line for what could reasonably be expected in your story, just move down on the list by 1 until you reach an alternative that works. I hope you see my vision, tortles. And before you ask, no, I am not willing to negotiate on the character invoking Lois Griffin’s name. Frankly, it’s a key part of the experience. I don’t find much use in eggs, however I am very interested in egg “men,”specifically figurines of doctor eggman from the sonic franchise. About five will suffice. Thank you.

Leondatwani

For the great tortles on whose backs the world is held! My party just finished the Descent into Avernus module, and to end the game, we had a large-scale war-style combat with all the different NPCs, Archfiends, and Archdemons the party had made friends or enemies with. The concept was that the party would have a big boss fight; however, the other NPCs and enemies fought around them in real time. To represent this, I had the party choose which NPC "Units" would fight against which enemies in side skirmishes. For example, an angel ally, an undead army, and a redeemed Zariel fought Tiamat in the background. I rolled initiative for this fight, and when that fight hit initiative, we had a contested D20 roll. The highest attack modifier of the enemies, Tiamat, vs the highest attack modifier of the allies, Zariel. If the allies won, then a beneficial event happened in the main party fight as Zariel was able to heal the party; if Tiamat won, then she hit the entire battlefield with her breath weapon, hurting the party and their enemies alike. If a skirmish had one side get 3 successes or victories, then that side would win. I let the party use actions and resources to help the skirmishes, but that meant diverting attention from the enemy, they chose a massive Mythic Demonlord Baphomet, Master of the Maze. The fight was a blast and as skirmishes started going good or bad, it completely shifted the battlefield is such fun ways. In this fight they had the main combat and 3 side skirmishes happening. When the fight was over I even let the party help the skirmishes by reducing the enemies modifier with their remaining spells and abilities in a what felt like a massive last stand for the city they were defending.

Sean Boyle

Greetings Tortles, its so nice to be in the tank with you here today. Now I ask you to close your eyes and imagine that you and your party have delved deep into the bowels of a dungeon, you've solved the puzzles, avoided the traps, and now you find the ancient treasures hidden deep within. But as you reach to grab your shiny new items suddenly the ground rumble and the walls begin to ripple and consort reveling that you are not in a dungeon at all but rather are inside of a MASSIVE MIMIC! Today I present the Mimic Broodmother. Having consumed enough to grow to enormous proportions Mimic Broodmothers take the shape of large dungeons, labyrinth, Castles, or temples. They have no direct actions they can take but through lair a lions they can shoot Venom-style sticky tendrils to grapple targets to its walls where they will take acid damage on their turns as they are digested. They can also birth new mimics on a lair action that will then join the combat. Easy to attack as the party would be inside it but with a massive pool of HP this monster will encourage a panicked frenzy to escape from within it as soon as your PC's understand what it is. I've tested it with my players and it provided one of the most fun encounters I've ever run. I ask for 12 eggs in complete form cause I haven't had breakfast yet. Should you wish I can add a full stat block on the next Tortle Tank. Thank you for your time.

DMCharbie

Hello tortles, quick and easy one here feels like a slam dunk, if you can get multiple sorces of advantage all additional sorces turn into a simple plus one , such as your party’s battle master fighter uses trip attack on your BBEG knocking them prone (creating advantage for other party members to attack)and the party mastermind rogue uses a bonus action help each extra source of advantage instead of being wasted or used for someone else would instead just count as a plus one. (So you get to roll 2 dice add your modifier and than add on a cheeky little plus one at the end) Thank you for your consideration DMCharbie

Jor Elare

Greetings to the Shelled Corporation, have you ever found yourself wanting to specialize in throwing weapons but want a bit more interactivity than normal attack rolls? I present the gauntlets of Kobe-Yeet, magical gloves with a dial to set to Kobe (+2 to attack rolls) or Yeet (and additional d4 of damage) This item was well reviewed at my table and made for some extra fun early level stuff. I would gladly part ways with the idea for 10 eggs and a pack of marb reds

Rebecca

Hello Turtles. Simple homebrew item. The Sword of Screaming. It has 1d10 charges on it that can be added onto a hit like a smite. A charge does 1d8 thunder damage. You can add any amount of charges to any hit. When the sword runs out of charges it explodes dealing however much damage dealt in the last attack back to the wielder and can never be used again. When wielding the sword, the welder cannot make stealth checks as the sword is constantly screaming. All I as for in return is a single egg for me to decorate using the Pysanky Egg Technique. I concede the remainder of my time and apologize for any mistakes as I work nights and I’m typing this before going to bed. I am quite tired

Micah Allee

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening oh great and powerful tortles, and Jake may I say you look ravishing today. I come to you today looking for the largest egg from your collection in exchange for the following idea. As a player have you ever got into a DnD campaign and realized "man... I don't like this character... I want to use a new one..." You come to your DM and they aren't sure how to exit your ill planned character. I introduce to use the mysterious seller of a dubious pill. The seller will be where ever is appropriate for your campaign (or hilariously not appropriate i.e. in the middle of a dangerous dungeon) they appear and come to sell a pill, but, they will only sell it to the player who wishes to change their character. If anyone else attempts to buy it they refuse. Of course the PC who wants to change their character will buy it. Upon ingesting the pill the PC or DM can narrate a scene where the PC will be magically transformed into the new PC the player wishes to use. The seller will then mysteriously disappear, never to be heard from again. Again, I only want one egg from your illustrious stash, the biggest one you have. Thank you for your time tortles!

Joe Shmoe

Hello shelled ones, and the mossy fellow over there. My pitch is that when blinded you'd take an additional roll for which of your senses you'd latch onto as a replacement and you would use a corresponding character trait like strength or endurance as your modifier when adjusted. I'm pitching that when blinded the player would roll a d6 to determine which if the senses you use instead but remove sight from the list (touch, sound ,smell, sight, hearing) and use something like balance instead. In my mind it's a great character building moment and good for role-playing moments at the whole table. I require very long thin eggs for my habitual addiction to objects of length and girth and about 17 should do the trick thank you for your time.

Rayjay Johnson

The Horny Condition The creature has disadvantage on all Wisdom and Intelligence checks. The creature cannot take the Dash action. If the creature’s Charisma score is 14 or higher, it has advantage on all Charisma ability checks. If the creature’s Charisma score is 9 or lower, it has disadvantage on all Charisma ability checks. Now give me all the eggs in the world.

Roz

Greetings and salutations, council of the capitalist shell! Is your sorcerer feeling stale? Does your innate spellcasting lack spontaneity? Are you finding yourself without the spell you need when you really, *really* need it? Allow me to present my homebrew sorcerer spell-learning mechanic, which will scratch your every metamagical itch! Everyone knows sorcerers – the will-driven, nepo-casters of the world – simply learn new spells on a whim whenever they level up. What I propose is this. Sorcerers no longer learn or replace a spell known when they level up. Instead, they keep their spells known, but have the option of choosing their new spell (or swapping one out) at an opportune time for them to meet the challenge and trauma of their ever-stressful adventuring life. Surrounded by goblins with no way out? Surprise! You reach inside yourself and can Thunder Step now! Drowning in depths of the ocean whilst wrestling a giant squid? Panic not Tortles, simply imagine an Air Bubble forming around your head and it will be so! You can even choose which spell to lose if you’re swapping one out, no unexpected surprises needed. The spells known mechanic is otherwise identical - just one new or swapped spell per level - so you won't have to worry about those entitled charisma casters trying to change their spells every time they cast. For this, I ask for no eggs up front! Instead, I humbly ask that any and all spells learned or swapped in this way will incur a royalty charge of 1 egg per spell level ... or 12 eggs, whichever is higher. Shell-o from the other tide, Torts! Roz

Dragoneye

Torts, I have a shell of an idea. Imagine the possibilities beyond "slap it in a ring" when you find an item you like but don't want to reinvent your game rules or story. I propose weapon and armor Stances - which let characters get buffs for as long as they remain in the "stance" - aka retain concentration after activation. The perks and parameters are up to you. Spell deflecting shield seem like too much? Only give it during a stance, which ends once successful. You like Limit Breaks? Require 4 rounds in Stance before you can live your childhood dreams. Add activation requirements like getting a crit, or crush your players morale with haste-like risks for dropping your stance. . I ask for nothing but a donation to the Martial Classes Deserve Cool Shit Too fund.

Jackacoyit

Shello Tortles, I present to you a simple rule I use in my high-magic campaign setting. Harmonising it is the next set after attending to a magic item where a character has used and bond to the item after a significant amount of time or narritive event so the magical item no longer requires attunement for that specific character. As the DM I would review character sheets every 10 to 15 sessions to decide if items have become harmonised. It is a way to slowly increase PC power in a way the won't completely break the game like removing attunement entirely. In return for 40% in this venture all I ask for is one magical egg I may take time to try and Harmonise with.

Jack M

Hello Tortellinis, I have an offer that you simply must invest in. I introduce, the Great Gazoo GM assistant. Whenever there is an issue at the table behavior wise, someone taking up too much imaginative space, being rude, murder hobo, not sharing the nachos, double dipping, you can have the Great Gazoo appear in your campaign and cause trouble for the dum dums until they reconcile their behavior, acting as a storytelling safeword to let people know to knock it off! For this wonderful storytelling tool I ask for one pterodactyl egg, poached.

Gabrielle

Hello, Tortles four. My idea is the curse of the monkey’s paw. A player can cast this curse on any creature (most likely use is an enemy) and, for the duration, any damage that the cursed creature inflicts on others will also be inflicted upon themselves. For example, if an evil wizard was cursed in this way and they hit a PC for 30 damage, the evil wizard would also take 30 damage. This might create some interesting gameplay, but it has never been playtested, so I really can’t say for sure. Now, I don’t play D&D, so I have no idea if this is already a thing or if it exists in some similar form. Because of my inexperience, this idea hereby belongs to whoever can prove they possess the ingenuity and business acumen necessary to strike it big. I only ask for my name hidden somewhere in the legal documents as architect.

Mathieu Grangé

My dear Tortles, dive into the tank with me as I present to you the Frame of Veiling. This simple wooden frame, measuring 3 feet by 6 feet, holds a finely crafted canvas. When activated, any creature standing behind the frame, as well as the frame itself, become invisible. The frame remains transparent from one side, allowing the user to see what lies behind it as if they were gazing through a window. Once activated, the effect lasts for 1 hour. After the hour expires, the frame displays the last image that passed through it before it deactivates, showing it vividly on the canvas until the next use. The frame can be used once per long rest. The frame has an AC of 11 and 5 hit points. When reduced to 0, the magic immediately ceases. Now, dear Tortles, I am no smeggler (egg smuggler). Therefore, for this magical frame, I will give you 90% of the profit if you take me to brunch and treat me to some eggs benedict.

Chaos Phoenix

Greetings Tortles! Time is eggs, I shall keep this brief: Exhausting Death-saves! Exhaustion is an under-utilized mechanic in most 5e play, despite it narratively feeling like a natural consequence of an adventuring lifestyle. And if you desire higher stakes for your players but feel like a Long-Rest cures everything short of Death, look no further than Exhausting Deathsaves! For each failed Death saving throw, the PC suffers 2 levels of Exhaustion. 3 failed Death Saves results in Death, which is coincidentally the consequence of the 6th level of Exhaustion. If you believe a near-Death experience should be a bigger deal than one good nights sleep can cure, this might work for you; only one level of Exhaustion is removed per Long Rest, so it might be days before the wounded PC is at full-strength. In play, I have found that this variant has resulted in more strategic play, more teamwork, and more respect for the risk of hitting 0 HP and the need to help downed teammates. No more dismissing a dying friend because you know they probably won't actually die this turn, what kind of friend does that anyway?! This idea is not for sale for any eggs, it is released into the public domain for all to use at no cost! I ask only for you esteemed chelonians to use your knowledge and connections in "The Business" to get this idea out for all the DMs who want a little bit higher stakes in their games.

Malcolm J Gatlin

Tidings Tubular Torts, I bring you a fun homebrew item built for two: The Rings of Metamorpho, aka FUSION RINGS. To make it short: They choose which of their spaces the fusion appears. The one with the highest AC is the only one that can be hit, and they take half damage, their partner takes an equal amount. When doing a save or skill check, they can choose who does it. They share a space at all times so moving one moves the other. They share resistances and immunities, when one drops to 0 hp, the other doesn't halve damage taken anymore. When both drop to 0, the fusion ends and death saves begin. Fusion lasts 1 hour and takes 3 days to recharge. I asking only for one of you to fuse with me for a unknown amount of time. And if interested I can perhaps send the specifics.

Alex

Good salutations, Tortles and Tortetts <3 TL;DR give your edgy character a chance to be edgy in a flavorful and fun way by giving them a portent roll with the choice of a critical success or a critical failure in times of critical need. I have been playing with my friends in a homebrew campaign where events have been happening in a way where multiple stories from multiple generations seem to collide in a manipulated way to make the most suffering, events akin to a thousand years ago. Unbeknownst to my players, these events are the machinations of devils vying to become the new ruler of Hell in a competition, this century's round being called the Judas Echo with the focus on personal betrayals. My power hungry warlock, an amnesiac whose patron is actually the winner of the last Judas Echo, will be approached in times of escalating need such as his allies rolling to know the NPC guard's name and all the way up to dying and rolling death saves with a choice: make one of their allies' rolls a critical success or critical failure. I'm still brainstorming on how to balance either choice, with my thoughts going to something akin to refreshing spell slots mid-fight for making his allies fail or having his own death saving roll be a failure the next time for making them succeed. In exchange, I would gladly take a seat as a Supreme Crit Justice. Please and "tank" you!

Josh Kumar

Turts, welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. Have your players ever killed a froghemoth and you felt like the end was anticlimactic? Do your players want a pet but you feel iffy about the whole process? Do you want to reward the player who took proficiency in animal handling but never gets to use it? Enter the froghemoth egg. After killing a froghemoth, an egg can be revealed in a shallow pond near their dwelling. Every week (or day, if you want to speed it up), players can roll a DC 15 animal handling check (note, you can keep this number from players for suspense), and you can treat it like death saves, with 3 successes hatching a docile creature, and 3 fails hatching a chaotic evil frog who tries to kill the party and/or runs away. You can use a modified red guard Drake for the statblock. For this toad-ally awesome idea I am seeking 10 of your most aerodynamic eggs and the location of the Dungeon Court baliff’s car, which I assume he is sleeping in, in exchange for a 51% controlling stake in this enterprise. Hop on in turts, the water’s fine.

IvyclericHayley

Hello Tortles. Have you ever wanted to live out your Dreams of Sharingan others spells like Sasuke in dnd, Well May I present this 2nd Level Spell for Arcane Casters: Mimic Mimic 2nd-level Illusion Casting Time: 1 reaction, which someone within 60ft of you casts a spell of 1st level or lower Range: 60ft Components: V,S,M (a silver mirror worth 50gp) Duration: 1 round You draw upon the forces of Illusion magic to make a copy of a spell that you have just seen performed As a reaction, when someone within 60ft of you casts a spell of 1st level or lower, of any spell list, you may add that spell to your spell list until your next turn, however you must cast it before the end of your next turn, otherwise the spell dissapates from your spell list. At higher levels you can copy a spell equal to one lower than the level Mimic is cast at, however if you copy a spell that is upcast, you will cast that spell at its lowest level on your turn. All I ask in return is one egg that i will perfectly mimic to sell as my own.

Stig

Dig the brew; following for the car

Athena Flusher

Hello adventurtortles! (Does that work??) How many times have you, as a DM, come up with an awesome puzzle, bad guy, story hook, etc. Only for your group to miss, skip, or somehow one shot their way right by all that hard work? Ever had a session with little to nothing planned? May I introduce!!!! The nightmare! Set the mood as your players drift of to sleep where they have a shared "dream" revisiting whatever cool thing you cooked up; except now dream logic applies because fuck them! You get to change things as you go so they dont crit their way right past things this time! Important to keep it consistent i.e. nat 20s swap with 2s or cause some funny calamity the rest of the dream. Once you let them escape the nightmare you can grant a boon or fatigue for the good or bad night's rest they got. All I want for this perfect idea is the location of Atlantis the sunken city, you're turtles you have to know. Thank you for your time.

LeCurve52

To the Esteemed Panel of Terrific Terrapins, DnD has long since ignored the overwhelming need for a good Frog playable race. The Grung is lackluster and Bullywugs are only traditionally available as NPCs. However, Solum Bufo has shown us all the joy of a well constructed Frog based race. Now, I would like to present the next step in Anuran-Evolution: the Anuradon Homebrew Race. A fully fleshed out playable Frog Race with not one, not two, but 4 distinct subraces. You can be a tree frog with naturally increased dexterity and enviable camouflage skills, a dart frog with vicious toxins and a mastery of poison damage, a bullfrog with mighty haunches and the strength to boot, or (bear with me) a desert toad with innate magical abilities and psycho-hallucinogenic sweat. This first hit of Frog is free, but I’m willing to part with 75% of the full race description and stats for only $13 and an Egg named Toby. Let’s expand Sol’s legacy and share the Frog for all!

Steven Fishman

Greetings wise and wonderful Tortles, and 'sup to that Crabster James. Side note - very cool of you to let a first time guest DM a whole campaign. Today I'm pitching a magic item that has the potential to introduce adventure hooks, fun goofs (but not too goofy as to upset Mr. Surphy), and the elimination of everybody's least favorite mechanic - finding spell components. I present to you the "Planar Component Pouch." A component pouch with strange markings along its side, the pouch remains empty at all times. When casting a spell with a Material component, as part of the action/bonus action/reaction of casting it, simply reach your hand inside and pull out the component to complete the spell. If the spell component has a gold cost associated with it, simply place the gold value of the item in the pouch, reach in, and pull out your component! No need to worry about the implications of your warlock searching the city for an undead eyeball encased in a gem worth at least 150 GP to cast Shadow of Moil. Just place 150 GP in the Planar Component Pouch and pull it out, no problem! Every time you place gold in the Planar Component Pouch, there is a percentage chance that when you pull the component out you will here a strange noise - a low growl, chanting in alien language, things like that. What percentage chance? That's up to the DM to decide! Roll on a table or pick a time it would be interesting/funny to have an adventurer's bag growl at them. Now Players, I need some time alone with our illustrious Torts, so please close your ears. Are they not listening anymore? Good. What the players don't know is that the Planar Component Pouch doesn't magically create components, it is a portal to some other location in the another plane. The DM decides where and how the other end feels about their items being taken in exchange for gold. Is the party taking from a dragon's horde in Shadowfell? Are they stealing from a Githyanki war vessel in the Astral Sea? Only the DM knows! And it opens up some opportunity for fun new adventures for the party when they realize what's happening, or the planar being realizes first. In exchange for 50% of this idea, I'm asking for eggs to be placed in this definitely not suspicious bag you've been sent whenever you want to cast spells. The value and number of the eggs should equal the gold cost of the materials needed to cast said spells. I look forward to doing business with you all, even James.

Harmless Shrug

Greetings you sexy, but also wise, Torts! I present a way to make PC death feel like more of a threat (*scream*) while reducing time a character spends 'unconscious' and keeping players in the action longer (Ah sick bro). When reaching 0 hit points, a player does not go unconscious. Instead they are 'wounded', and can spend as up to half their remaining hit dice regain HP=to half the number rolled on those hit dice. They also receive a cute lil skull token. Being healed removes 'wounded' and the skull token condition until you hit 0 HP again, so that clutch healing word can still come in handy. If they hit 0 hit points while in possession of a lil skull token (ie wounded), that's when you fall unconscious / incapacitated, rolling a death save on your next turn. While successes will work as normal, any fail on a death save is instant death for the character. If healed before that failed death save, you are no longer unconcious or wounded. This does make players stronger than normal, but this just means they'll fight the cool shit that much sooner! In return for my offer, please have a lovely family vacation with all of your eggs. Take lots of pictures!

el_mathemagician

Greetings Tortles! I bring before you the Crit-Combo system! One of the things I felt was missing from the game of Dungeons and Dragons, was combat synergy amongst the team. In order to have more of a team-attack feeling, I developed the Crit-Combo system. The Crit-Combo System: When you land a critical hit, you will now have the option to start a c-c-c-combo! When you crit on an attack, you can now opt to trigger a combo. As a reaction, the next player in initiative will be able to use their reaction to move up to half their speed and attack the original target. This next attack will be made with advantage. The dc for a crit will also be lowered by 1. If the next player also crits, that will trigger a combo to the next player in initiative as well, lowering the threshold for a critical again by 1. This can continue until the combo reaches the player who originally attacked, then the combo ends. Ex: The barbarian uses his reckless attack and rolls a natural 20! He chooses to trigger a combo, he rolls his damage and then it is the warlock’s turn in the combo since she is next in initiative. The warlock can now crit if she rolls a 19 or a 20. She chooses to not move and rolls to hit with an eldritch blast. She rolls a 19, triggering another combo! The warlock rolls her damage and the combo moves on to the fighter. Since the fighter is a champion, he crits on a 19 or 20 usually, but since there have been two successful combos triggered, the threshold is lowered by 2, meaning the champion fighter can now crit on a 17, 18, 19 or 20! However, the champion fighter only rolls a 15 on the die, ending the combo. He rolls his damage, if he hits, and we go back to the barbarian to finish his turn. I am seeking an investment of your doughiest egg in return for 3.14% of the pi.

NowWhatComix

To those turts whose eggs would make the most esteemed breakfast dishes weep, I present the devil’s bargain: If your stats are middling, think a bunch of +1’s or 2’s with no real big swings, then you can take points from your lowest stat and put them in your highest. My players and I love doing this as it’s a great way to have something your character sucks at, and rules at. At my table we do it in leagues of 2, but you can do it however you like.

James Bowers

May it please the tort, Tortles, turdises, Jake (derogatory), I pose a very simple question to you: are you tired of your druid failing every nature check they make? Doesn't it suck when your 20 strength Barbarian can't scare a mouse because of their 8 to charisma? Can your cleric not pass a religion check to save their sorry lives? Well do I have the solution for you! It's called "just change the base ability score of skill checks dummy". The concept is simple: as a DM, when you call for a skill check, you can choose to change the base ability (strength, dex, charisma, etc.) Of that skill if you think ot would fit better. As an example: your bard wants to try to blend into a busy crowd seamlessly. You can call for a Charisma (stealth) check instead of a dexterity check for that. Trying to identify a plant by the patterns of its leaves and the shape of its stalk? Intelligence (nature) check. Trying to commune with the latent energy of a forest to sense malevolent presences? That's a wisdom (nature) check there. This allows PC's to shine in areas that their characters are proficient in even if, by default, they're not great at. It also incentivizes creativity and flavor in skill checks. Turts, I ask for 20 eggs and like a soda for exclusive rights to my intellectual property. Thank you and turt bless

Ziv like Steve

Tortles! For the lowly lowly price of one bailiff's egg, I offer an investment opportunity I have been running in my home games to great mixed success! The theory -- getting a 20 in a stat should be exciting not just numerically. Characters with 20 intelligence, when playing in theater of the mind, will automatically be presumed to get the best possible positioning on their area of effect spells (whereas normally I may logic out the positioning with more luck than pure generosity in mind). A character with 20 wisdom can use her superior judgment to outmaneuver a foe - substituting wisdom for dexterity on initiative checks (and occasionally other checks, in DM's discretion). The mixed success -- I need your help cooking this out for some other stats that feel like they are already very strong. Giving any more to dexterity presents balance risks, but giving nothing would be unfair to a hypothetical rogue. All the buffs are intended to be small and flavorful, to give the player the feeling that the character is actually excellent at the thing they are supposed to be. Are you in, or should this system be junked and the goal left to flavor only?

Caroline

Hey there Tortles, Have you ever been part of a campaign that only plays one day per month? Have you ever been crushed with disappointment when one of your players cancels and you have to spend yet another session doing a "Can They Kill It" or a dumb one-shot rather than playing your actual campaign? Well, may I introduce you to: THE PREQUEL!!! When all of your players come to a session, you play your main campaign, which is full of gorgeous character arcs and convoluted backstories. When one player cancels, you play THE PREQUEL, set a thousand years before the main campaign, in which a group of rebels band together and have to work their way through a list of leaders to assassinate. Whoever isn't able to make the session just pretends that their character has gone off on a solo mission.  Because whether your table is full or not, you deserve to play in a campaign that matters.  For the cost of four cracked eggs and all of your DM's free time, I'm willing to give a 50% stake in this idea.  Thanks there Tortles!

Stig

Dig this

Gold Pony Boy

Jarf, could you please move out of the way so I can talk to the important tortles? My pitch: The Roleplay Inspiration! This has been used in multiple home games I've played in and we've always enjoyed it. Here's how it works: at the begining of each session, everyone is given some sort of trinket (coin, card, etc.). This trinket can be given to another player as a reward for a great roleplay moment, such as a great speech or interaction with NPC. The trinket can then be spent by the player who received it as a point of inspiration during that session, or you can choose to let your players carry them over between sessions, within reason. This inspiration can only be granted by one player to another, and only for roleplay or narrative moments right after they happen. Players cannot spend their own trinket, can only give out one per session, and while a player is allowed to have multiple points available at the same time, only one can be used per roll. Our table has found this to be a great way to encourage roleplay and add a little prize for facilitating a fun story moment for the party. I offer a 49% stake in the idea in exchange for 1 fertilized tortle egg to hatch and raise as the successor to my estate.

Kathleen Schlagel

A reimagined Rod of Seven parts adventure. Generations of druids have meditated a full day over a vast forest, lake and fields. They have created what looks like a small, mildly developed place for hermit artisans. In reality, they are trying to obtain the rod, use it to get acolytes to rebalance nature, and hire adventurers to root out those looking to completely rule nature instead of letting it grow and die.

Ally

Shelo tortles I have a little homebrew I call the DMs lament. If a player rolls with advantage or disadvantage and they roll 2 nat 20s they can make a minor mechanics or lore change to the world. Examples of this are in the game I DM are a player making so that a nat 20 Dex save means you take no damage on spells like fireball rather than just half. A player adding to their backstory that they always carry a set of lockpicks. Or a player adding a summer at culinary school to their backstory to gain the chef feat. Obviously this has caused numerous debates at the table as to what a 'minor' change is but the debates are half the fun of the feature I'm asking for one Gen X Stitch egg for a 100% of this idea, please take it off my hands

Stig

Hype

Stig

Dig

Stig

I think this is really good.

Samwell54

listen up tortles. We all love the spell animate objects, me personally it’s my favorite spell. But as we all know it is locked behind a level 5 spell slot which many people may not even get to in their campaigns. The spell lets you animate 10 objects (with larger objects counting as more than one) I propose a Lesser Animate Objects cantrip that lets you animate one object and you can upcast to higher levels for increased object animation. Please help my dream of becoming sorcerer Mickey from fantasia come true Thank you for your time and consideration 🤝

Malcolm J Gatlin

Tickles and Taps Torts, I come with another offering built to sow chaos and temptation in any game, Hamor's coin! Built by the living embodiment of stories, it's a mcguffin that comes with Hamor's twisted love for tragedies. A character can simply ask for ANYTHING, then flip the coin. Tails they win, heads they lose, HOWEVER on a lose their wish backfires in some way. For example: If one wished to send a message, that message is recieved by the worst enemy instead and they don't know. the DM determines how many coin flips are done per wish (usually no more than 4-5), any loses let's them twist it based on how many you got, on majority wins you get what you want with caviats. I simply ask for 1 shiny egg and a pat on the shell, and might flip a coin if no one is invested...

Dillydylandally

Twinkling twilight to you, Titillating Tortles! I come to you with a question today: Why must magical attunement slots feel so solitary? Well… they don’t have to be anymore. I present: Party Attunement — a homebrew mechanic that gives the entire adventuring party a shared attunement slot. This one slot provides a minor, magical buff for the whole crew, such as: • Everyone gains +1 to their AC • The first party member to drop to 0 HP bounces back with 1 HP • Shared boosts to group skill checks in noncombat scenarios • Or environmental protection — like water breathing for underwater arcs or fire resistance for volcanic dungeons Think of it like the blue or red tunic from Ocarina of Time, but shared by the whole party. It’s simple, scalable, and gives DMs a new tool to enhance storytelling and team cohesion. So, Tortles… I’m asking for 666 of your most thiccest tortle eggs in exchange for a 20% stake in the Party Attunement Mechanic, with full creative rights and eternal gratitude baked in. Because when one of us wins, we all win. What say you?

Will Boris

Hey Tortles, are you not chortling? Do you hate birds and wizards with the fly spell? Are you Murph? For you dms plighted by flying pcs overcoming your combats by flying overhead, I offer the simple, the humble, the beautiful. Pile of large rocks. The prone condition causes flying creatures to fall, and getting hit by a big rock or giant crossbow bolt sounds like it would knock me prone on a failed strength save! I don't recommend flooding every fight with piles and piles of rocks, but keep your flying pcs on their toes that the big ogre might have something big up their sleeve. All I ask for, for 100% stake, is either an egg shaped rock or a rock shaped egg. Tortles choice.

Kamrin Hyche

For the tortles that may or may not chortle! I have an interesting merchant NPC to fulfill your online shopping itch. Whether you’re in the middle of the ocean, desert, or on the John. I present -The Bag man -Your players can reach a merchant npc at your discretion with the merchant in your own bag of holding. In special bags of holding there are a guild of merchants going bag to bag selling their wares. To check whether you have a “signal” to have access to the merchant you can check to see if the blue flame brazier is lit and you’ll have access to the shop. If you don’t want to RP the shopkeeper every time you can dump coin into the harmless blue flame(inspired by RE4) and ask “potion of healing” and if that is available the coin will be consumed and the item deposited. This product is still in R&D so I will gladly take some of your freshest eggs to watch this system be grown and raise into a proper mechanic. Thanks!

Ian H.

Tortles I come to you with a simple solution to a simple problem. A magic item to make your level17 fighter feel just as badass as your level17 wizard, even if the fighter doesn’t want some super complicated anime power up. The Bracers of the Destroyer are a Legendary item I’ve added to my game for a martial character who doesn’t want a complicated solution, but just wants to fuck shit up. Once per day you can touch the bracers together as a bonus action, and for 1 minute or until you fall unconscious, you have 6 additional arms, 3 that sprout from each shoulder. Each set of arms is holding whatever weapon you are holding in the main hands when activated. As such, when you take the attack action you can make 6 additional attacks. Is it broken? Yes. But so is the Wish spell. My friends don’t want overly complicated mechanics, they want to smash things. And for the price of just 8 eggs (one per arm in total) this magic item can be yours.

GhostToken

Torts, let's dive right in. No more wizards with cleric spells, no more weird proficiency bonus multipliers, if your party doesn't have a healer then look at the core problem with healing: HEALING POTIONS SUCK. RAW for a basic potion of healing: an action for 2d4+2 that costs 50 gold. A level 1 barbarian with a +3 con has 15 HP, would need a max roll potion AND A SECOND POTION. The only classes that will care about those kind of numbers beyond level 1 are wizards and sorcerers. Instead: Bonus action 2 Hit Dice, 25 gold. A barbarian could now heal for a maximum of 24 damage, which will always be significant. Even wizards and sorcerers could roll a maximum of 12, which is better than RAW potions. I want no compensation for this idea as it's not my own, I heard about this from a YouTube short from the channel FablesD20.

Tyler Harper

Hello supreme torts! If you’re like me, you’ve made some mistakes in your life. Some big, some small, but none as massive as accidentally giving one of my players full plate mail, giving them a 21 AC as a level 3 gunslinger fighter. To remedy this, I present to you the Armor Absorbing Arquebus. As a free action on your turn, you may decrease your AC by multiples of 2, “absorbing” them into your gun (minimum AC is 10 + DEX). This gives you access to a breath weapon style attack that deals Xd6 Force damage and pushes creatures/objects 10ft back in a 15ft foot cone, where X is the amount you reduced your AC by. Creatures can do a DEX save for half. Much like a breath weapon, this recharges on a 5 or a 6 on a d6, and your AC stays reduced until you recharge. I ask for naught but your insightful commentary and your ugliest egg (i’ll take good care of it i promise (i will eat it (yummy)))

Gonzalez_r

Greetings butt-breathers. I present to you an item from my Goblin-themed campaign. A fun theme from many fantasy games is Goblin ingenuity and their love of explosions. For my players, I created Goblin Rocket Boots. These boots allow the wearer to make Athletics Checks with advantage, but if they choose to use them, they must roll a d20, and if they roll a Nat1, they explode in a fireball for 8d6 in a 20ft radius. This item is high risk but high reward, it offers the absurd flavor that we’ve grown to love from beloved video games, and offers additional excitement and anticipation to athletic checks. A player doesn’t have to activate the boots if they don’t want to chance it (which would be lame as hell). I offer you these mostly beneficial boots for the price of 3,000 egg whites. Keep the yolks since I’m watching my cholesterol.

Hanna

Tortles, I come before you today with a homebrew spell on behalf of one of my players, who is 12 years old. The name of the spell is “mewing,” requiring only somatic components. All creatures in a 10 foot radius when the spell is cast must make a Wisdom saving throw against the caster’s DC or be physically repelled and use their full movement to get as far away as possible for one turn. I don’t have any more details, because he didn’t think of any. As a mere broker I ask for nothing in return for this idea, but I would be happy to put you in touch with my client for further negotiations.

Markoss

Shellutations Tortles, I am here today to offer the “Careless” Condition. Have you ever faced your sworn enemy and felt your blood boil in anger? Have you wanted to say “You killed my father, prepare to die” and mean it? The “Careless” Condition can help. Before the start of combat, you may choose to take the careless condition - roll a d6 and add that number to attack/spell attacks rolls, spell save Dc, and initiative. In exchange your AC, number of hit dice, and all saving throws go down by the d6 you rolled as well. You can roll as many d6 as you want, but this condition is only removed by a long rest. Use recklessly. For this, I’m asking for a d6 of eggs, but eggs who dug two graves before seeking revenge.

Melissa Shilale

🍫 Tim-Tam Tortles 🐢 just dunking ☕️ in to 🌊 wave shello 🐚 and wish y’all swell 🏖️ murphs up 🏄 and out 🤙

Iain Watters

To the magnanimous magnates of wise investments, and givers of riches to eggless peasants. I present Granimorph potion. Upon consumption, the users form ages and changes to that of a sweet grandma for one hour. Replacing combat and menace with a comforting presence, the Granimorph gains a pool of six d8 bardic granspirations, which they can bestow to others by calling them handsome, slipping them a Werthers or pinching their cheek. The user gains a +3 modifier bonus to wisdom and charisma, -3 to strength and dexterity modifiers and their speed and max hp is halved. The user must use an action to end the Granimorph condition before the hour is up, if they fail to do so the Granimorph is permanent. I offer 100% of this idea for a meer half dozen eggs nestled amongst a basket of Werthers.

Sean Q

Shello, Eggscelent Entrepreneurs. Today, I bring to you this pitch: The Secret Seventh Statistic. In the 2014 Dungeon Master’s Guide, there’s a throwaway suggestion near the back of the book about optional rules for additional setting-dependent stats. The recommendation it gives is for intense survival based games to have players roll a madness stat. But… I want to take this idea a step further. During character creation, instead of rolling for 6 stats, players will each roll for 7 stats- with the 7th stat being unique to them and their character. For example, one player could be playing a devout cleric of a dying god, who is trying to resurrect the religion before their deity is lost forever. This player could have their 7th stat being Hope, showing that their driving force is the belief that they can save their God. An amount of times equal to their proficiency bonus per long rest, players could have the option to add their 7th score modifier to relevant rolls. So, a player whose 7th stat is Hatred may apply their bonus to an intimidation check or attack roll against a loathed enemy, while a player whose stat is Love may add it to an impassioned persuasion check to help prevent a war. Additionally, in relevant circumstances, the DM may ask a player to make a saving throw with this 7th stat to test how strong their connection to this ideal is- maybe forcing a character to make a Hope saving throw instead of a wisdom saving throw when confronted with something that would shatter the player’s belief in their righteous purpose. Now the twist to this mechanic: The fact that it would be a secret. Think of the character dynamics that could arise when the party learns that the sweet halfling’s secret stat is actually Cruelty, and they’ve been trying to fight back against their darker urges. Or the party’s loner Ranger, whose stat is Isolation and can feel themselves slowly growing more and more distant from the people around them. Overall, a mechanic that makes PCs feel like they have unique personality traits that can be translated into the game’s mechanics. For this deal, all I ask is a clutch eggs monthly; ending after a 5-7 year period.

Justin

Hello titanic toasty tortles, my pitch comes courtesy from the strength ranged combat has and how that makes the fantasy of swinging a huge battleaxe through enemies much tougher. my pitch: First revising the cover rules so that 1/4 cover exists and gives a +1 to AC and Dex saves, 1/2 gives +3 to AC and dex saves, and 3/4 cover gives the normal +5 to AC and saves and also giving every player a special action in accordance with this. I reveal the Hunker down action, in the same vein of dodge and disengage it is a defensive action that any player can take while adjacent to cover and when it is done the player's bonus to AC and saves from any cover is DOUBLED. This allows for players to strategically place their movement and not get gunned down via long ranged spells nearly as easily, but also benefits any melee characters who struggle to muster a good AC at high levels sheerly because of their class Reason: I have been running a wild magic wild west campaign with slightly altered firearm rules and felt many of my players that are closer ranged classes, are struggling to do what they wanna do mechanically, and this cover addition has really helped them avoid getting destroyed in a gunfight, while also forcing me to be more creative around making battle sets to include cover. Another positive side effect has been Druids and classes with terrain control spell providing and supporting their allies by making impromptu cover which has been really fun. For compensation and a 90% stake I want another 15 minutes of "The Worst Show On The Internet: When Did That Come Out" and a perfectly spherical egg

Lili McGee

I’m offering a solution to a problem every Dungeon Master knows too well: players endlessly begging for heroic inspiration—and DMs unsure when to hand it out. That’s where my idea rolls in. Introducing: The Dice Christ Roll. At the start of each session, every player rolls a D100. If they roll equal to or under their current level, then rejoice! Dice Christ has smiled upon them, and they begin the session with a point of inspiration. But wait—there’s divine mercy too. On a nat 1? Not only do they gain inspiration, they may gift an extra point to a fellow party member. I’ve seen it happen, and trust me—it electrifies the table from minute one. It’s fast. It’s fair. It’s fun and it gives party a reason to start every session rolling. So Sharks, for use of this idea all I want in return... is one tortle egg. Scrambled.

Matt Craig

Hey Tortles, critting on an attack is one of the most powerful feelings in DND, but do you know whats not powerful? Rolling two damage die and proceeding to roll a 1 on both die and doing 6 total damage on a CRIT. Thats why I present a homebrewed take on critical damage. When critting on an attack, instead of rolling 2 damage die, you do MAX damage for a normal attack and just roll 1 extra damage die. So if you have a 1d12 weapon with a +4 damage modifiers, you deal 16 + 1D12. That way you can always guarantee your crits have some heft to it. The caveat? Monsters also have this ability. We have been playing this rule for a few years and every table i play with has had a blast with it! I offer this special homrbrew rule in exchange for 3 of your most protein-packed eggs that I will be devouring raw

Ashley Blake

Hi tortles!! Long time listener, second time answerer, hopefully first time being read on airer. I present to you today the magical hedge maze (you can probably come up with a more creative name lol). I did this in my home brew with my siblings and in-laws and after 5 years and multiple campaigns, they still talk about it. One shortfall…the session needs to be in person. The DM should print out several different paper mazes before hand. Make them a range a difficultly levels…from children’s menu mazes to stupidly complex “adult” mazes. During the session, the PCs somehow come across and enter a hedge maze. Once they enter, the magic takes over, and they find they’re all separated. Everyone rolls a survival roll and the outcome determines the difficulty of maze they receive. Hand them out upside down and roll initiative. On each players turn, they get to flip their maze over and get the 6 seconds a round lasts to solve it. Once the 6 seconds is over, they flip it back over. Then have them roll a dice for a chart (d4-100 depending on how many things you want to put in the chart lol). They encounter something that makes sense to be in this maze, but nothing over a CR 1/2…something they could (with good rolls) kill in one shot. The creature gets to go first and takes one attack, then the players goes and gets one attack. Then their turn is over and it goes down the initiative order. On their next turn, they can decide to either take another 6 seconds to work on their map and then roll for a new encounter BUT take an opportunity attack if they haven’t killed the creature, or the player and creature each get one more attack, this time the the player going first. Continue until they each solve their maze, which means they’ve reached the center. Once a player had reached the center, there is some sort of big bad that already has an initiative and the players enter into a normal battle with them, with one exception. On a players turn, they can either take a regular action against the maze monster OR help their friends by (in game) yelling or sending up magic flares etc. If they do this, the player they choose to help can either get an additional 6 seconds to work on their maze or they can reroll their survival roll and try to get an easier map. My siblings/in-laws were all going to same things but having VASTLY different experiences. My brother got things like poisoned toads and rats and obliterated them, solving his fairly easy (he rolled a 15) maze quickly. My brother in law rolled a 7 and got two giant vultures, and was too stubborn to leave until he killed them lol. I don’t fully understand how this whole egg thing works, but I guess give me what you feel is fair and I’ll mainly just be excited to have you using my idea. Huge fan, NADPODD makes living a complicated world better 😊

Austin Tunis

Greetings tortles! I write to share with you a player designed system from my homegame. We've all been there: a smooth talker, a successful persuasion check and a night of....bardic arts. But what about the next morning? I present: Post Nut Clarity! When a PC successfully seduces an NPC, they wake up with a surge of profound self awareness. This grants them a bardic inspiration die (scaled to party level), usable on a roll of theirs before the next long rest. It's like a cosmic "wake up!" from the universe, channeling that unique morning after enlightenment into a vital moment! In exchange for this idea I ask for your littlest cracked eggs and a shout out to my player Kailyn who is the creator of this idea!

Bennett Watson

Alright Tortles, I’m asking for 10,000 platinum for 5% of my magically inclined financial weapons startup: Wall Street Wargear. Goldman’s Axe. Battleaxe. 1d8 slashing. Requires 14 charisma to wield. While equipped, you get advantage on charisma checks. Sell items for 10% more. Buy items for 15% more. Enemies hit drop 10% more gold. It’s not just a weapon, it’s a portfolio with edge." Boots of Chasing Bank. Click your heels to activate. You can disengage as a bonus action. Your movement speed doubles. But every round of combat, you lose 1d8 times 10 gold. Run out of coin? They drain 1 HP per round. Speed is expensive. Just ask anyone with a corporate card. Flat Cap of Potentially Crippling Debt. While wearing it, gain plus 3 to intelligence. At the start of each turn, roll a d4, on a 1, you’re stunned for the round. Out of combat, the DM can trigger it whenever they feel like it. Big brain. Bad odds. Feels like college. So, who wants in?

Kiwa

Heya Tortles, I'm here to present a simple yet presumably controversial homebrew for determining stats; I propose allowing the player to pick the numbers themselves, no rolling or point buy necessary. Obviously this requires a trustworthy group and is subject to the DM reigning it in but I believe in the right hands this can provide a far more satisfying stat spread. I offer this homebrew for either 23 eggs or a kiss on the forehead.

Samuel Watson

Hey torts, you're all looking very aquatic today. I'll ask you this. Have you ever had a player in your campaign who has some really cool and/or useful spells, like revivify, but then had to introduce somewhere they can get spell components in a clumsy way? Well no more with the magic item, Jerry's great fanny pack. The pack is sentient and sounds like Joe Pesci. It will convert a player's gold into spell components of equivalent value. Throw in 500GP and get 500GP worth of diamonds out. The pack does require a 100GP fee per use, allowing players to search for their components in order to save cash. Cursed variants are passive aggressive towards the owner. I only ask for a single egg to hatch and teach how to do a kickflip in exchange for 30% of my idea.

Darvit

Dear Tortles Emily, Murph, and Caldwell, You’re watching anime, the moment is quiet as a fight is about to break out. Your favorite swordsman, maybe Zoro, Ichigo, or perhaps Sasuke, is gripping the hilt of their sheathed sword. The clink of unsheathing, the screech of Chidori, a rustle of wind. In an single moment your favorite swordsman is behind the enemy force now. A second passes before the foes and reality itself realize they have been cut down in an instant. With the sheathing of the weapon, the wounds show themselves and the battle is finished. Haven’t you always wanted to recreate a moment like this at the DnD table? Dear Tortle Jake, Wouldn’t be nice for fighters to have more dynamic movement options? I present the Flash-strike: Once per short rest, a creature with this skill can move 30ft. in a straight line without incurring opportunity attacks and may use their regular attacks on any enemies within melee range of the line travelled. If all attacks are taken against the same target, the creature adds their proficiency modifier to each damage roll made. This is movement, not a teleport so difficult terrain still applies and physical barrier like a wall would stop the flash strike. Typically, I use give this to my players as a replacement for a class or sub-class ability they don’t like, but it could just as easily be applied as a feat or item ability. For a 49% stake in this fastest of homebrews, I would your most aerodynamically shaped egg and $500 cash.

BradyRocks

Woah this room is huge, are those turtles real? That’s rad. Well anyway, you guys ever heard of Wizard Fights? It can be tough to fight 1-on-1 without destroying landscapes, wasting time debating spells, worrying about range and casting time, concentration, etc. Close your eyes and imagine this: Tonathon Tinkle and my Gnomish Wizard, Bifton Bimpfoodle meet at a bar. They get in a scrap and go at it, but they don’t want to hurl fireballs and lightning bolts at each other. What they CAN do, is apply those spells to their melee attacks. Tonathon jabs right with a Shield spell, his fist covered in a dome of solid green TIME energy. (Woah!?) Granting him the +5 AC, while also granting his attack +5 force damage. Bifton takes the hit, blood drains from his nose like a faucet. He responds by duplicating with a smirk, he casts Mirror Image. Each of his copies throws a different punch, granting him advantage on the attack and maybe even an offhand attack? Idk, seems cool. I’d take the biggest turtle egg you got, but only after it’s hatched so I can use it like a hamster ball.

Daveed

What's up torts, I've got some scraps of cabbage that will set your cloacas alight with shell fire, so to speak. The premise is simple, so I won't waste any more time being verbose and force fitting turtle puns into those already cramped looking shells. It's a fucking squirrel suit, okay? You wear it. You can fly, but not really. More like glide. It's not that good or convenient, but it is hella fun and whimsical. Gimme an egg so I can make hollandaise sauce out it.

Elias Roessler

Hello torts, I come to you not with a homebrew rule or item, but instead with an ability or feat: Blade Lock. I haven’t worked out the specifics but essentially what it would look like is when an enemy hits one of your allies with an attack you can use a reaction to move up to half your speed and make an attack roll. If the attack roll meets or beats the triggering roll the attack no longer hits, and your ally is protected. In addition to protecting your allies, if you beat their roll by 5 or more you are able to do damage to the enemy, signifying that you are so skilled with your weapon that you were not only able to protect an ally, but also drive back your enemy. However, this move is not without risk. If you fail to meet the triggering roll, you and your ally both take half the triggering attack’s damage. This would allow martial classes to protect squishy spellcasters from martial brutes and make the battlefield more dynamic. All I ask in return is for a fresh head of cabbage (ideally one saved from Caldwell’s covetous gaze)

Stig

I dig this. Much simple, so drama. Mabes a max # of annual or lifetime uses? Cuz rn my ass is saving this for the boss and scoring 16 crits in 2 turns as a level 17ish fighter, rolling max damage on all - because Dice Christ is my co-pilot - and dealing like 500 damage (fr avg ~304) and only taking ~45 (assumes 20% of attacks crit nattily (17-20)). Fun to think about.

ZoeyHorse (Afterdark)

DEAR tortles! Also Jake looks like a loser (r we mean to him here I forget) A silly weapon I've been using for a while for early game encounters is a musket called "Old Reliable". It is a +2 musket that does d20 flat damage. On a crit, it does 2d20. On a 1, the gun explodes for 2d8 fire damage It takes an action to reload, so is a fun opening volley for a low level party to use! Has created some very fun moments of 1 shotting a bandit before they move, or dealing 3 damage to the boss of the arc For $2 and 89% stake in this homebrew all I want is for Murph to tell me his favorite my little pony character

Tamer Of The Metropolitan Metal Serpent

Howdy Tortles, are you tired of handing out cliche bounties in the local tavern or scrounging for gold well look no further then the Loan Wolves Credit Crystal! Finally gone are the days of worrying about having enough to buy that shiny new set of plate mail or that beautiful sword because with a simple drawing of a circle you can summon the gold you need. This crystal also offers great rewards like 2x points on all teleportations and 5% gold back on all purchases. These crystals come in a wide variety of colors and after inscribing your name on the crystal to bind it to you the shopping episode can commence. All I'm asking for is 1 egg to hatch into a familiar for my wife in the single player campaign I'm running for her.

Doug Palmer

What is the one thing martial artists are known for? Breaking wooden boards. What is a D&D party’s greatest opponent? A locked wooden door. For the price of 30 eggs, you can invest in the Doorbreaker Monk Ki Power! For 1 Ki point, a monk can turn their fists into siege weapons doing double damage to structures for Wis Modifier turns. For 2 Ki Points, the damage is quadrupled!

Colton L

Tortles, I bring you a product that is revolutionizing the party core makeup. Are you struggling with playing a healer that doesn't do much and you wish you had just played a different class? I bring you the solution, the goodberry patch. Created by a dc15 medicine check (as a ritual), purchasing at the local establishment you're supporting, or casting/upcasting the goodberry spell (extra berry for each level above 1) you can have the goodberry spell ready to deploy on the beginning of your turn once you go down, allowing you to continue the fight, or even fight more aggressively. All I ask for this is one perfect egg, and to be the CEO of your next shell corporation. For a second perfect egg or some pond side real estate, I'll even include goodberry ink, allowing you to have multiple goodberries attached to you via tattoo. What do you say turtles? Are you ready to berry your foes?

ShrimplyAwesome

Showdy Tortles! I present to you “The planning montage™”. Tired of your players spending at least one if not multiple sessions trying to form the perfect plan only for it to go out the window almost immediately during the actual heist. Well no more, with “The planning montage™”! Now heist planning is formatted like a combat with each phase being its own round i.e. info gathering is one round then resource gathering another round, etc. Each player rolls initiative and has their full suite of actions, bonus actions, and abilities. The DM rolls a check at the end of each round with a bonus determined by how well the players rolled that round. If the DM rolls well the players get a boon during the heist ex.: the info gathering check was high so the players get advantage on stealth checks because they know the guards schedules and routes. I’m offering 10% equity for a half eaten egg salad sandwich soggy from the tank water.

Chris P.

Greetings my esteemed Tortles! Stop me if you've heard this one (I've truly been focusing elsewhere) but have I got a shell of a deal for you! Do you find yourself looking at your Wizard, or caster main and thinking, "What this needs is more crunch... er Power.. yes more Power"? Who am I kidding of course you do! We all do! Shell I can't stop thinking it. Well here is the answer. Proficient Concentration (feat or class feature) : You can now maintain concentration on 2 spells at the same time. - The combined level of spells held in concentration cannot exceed the highest spell level you have access to. So if have 3rd level spells you can concentrate on a 1st and 2nd, just a 3rd, shell, two 1st levels if makes you happy. But cannot hold concentration on two 2nd level spells. - At the beginning of the payers turn they must also pass a focus check or they lose concentration on the longest held Spell. o Focus Check: Roll 1D20 + Proficiency Mod + Spellcasting Mod o DC = 10 + 2x the combined spell levels (DC 16 = 10+ (1+2)x2) All other standard concentration rules for a spellcaster still apply and if you lose concentration, you lose all held spells. But wait.. there’s more. Concentration Mastery (feat or class feature): Requires Proficient Concentration - The number of spells you can hold in concentration increases by 1 to 3 total. - You can Roll focus checks with expertise - Focus check DC increases to 10 + 3x combined Spell levels. All I'm asking for this revolutionary idea is that you take it... please. I need to stop thinking about it, I've got far to many other things I should be concentrating on. :)

Baron Bullywug

Hello Tortles, Have you ever wanted your bard to be EVEN sillier? Im here to talk about the the College of Fools (clown college) bard. This subclass offers charisma modifier to a maul (mallet) for attack and damage. As well as choices at certain points in level up to further customize your clown as either the scary, silly, or sexy kind. Do want to shrug off damage like a tex Avery cartoon? (Silly - adds tank mechanics) Do you want to seductively make your enemies uncomfortable? (Sexy -adds control mechanics) Do you want to be a nightmarish stalker of dread (scary- adds dpr/control mechanics). If so, I am looking for a dozen eggs sunny side up with a little salt and cayenne pepper and maybe a parfait.

Nile

Hello, Tortles! I present to you the Wand of Minor Inconveniences—a deceptively harmless magical item designed to mildly ruin someone’s day! Why sling fireballs when you can destroy someone’s vibe instead? Introducing the Wand of Minor Inconveniences, a caster-friendly magic item built to mildly ruin your enemies’ day—without breaking the game. Item Stats: • Contains 1d8 charges per day • Action: Fire an Inconvenience Bolt (DC 12 Wis save). On a fail, the target suffers a random petty effect from the table below for 1 hour (unless stated otherwise). d20 Inconvenience Table: Roll Effect 1 Their shoes are now wet Permanently. 2 Their belt, sash, or pants constantly shift just slightly off-center. 3 Their pockets fill with harmless but mildly slimy snails. No matter how many they remove, a few remain. 4 Everything they say sounds sarcastic, regardless of intent. 5 Every animal they see immediately locks eyes with them and refuses to break eye contact for 1d4 minutes. Totally harmless. Deeply unsettling. 6 Every time they speak, there’s a slight echo—only they can hear it. 7 Their hiccups disrupt spellcasting: 10% failure chance for verbal spells. 8 One random pocket inverts every 10 minutes, spilling contents. 9 Their shadow starts waving at people independently. 10 They constantly feel like they’re being watched. They aren’t. (Probably.) 11 Any written text appears in Comic Sans when read. 12 Their backpack squeaks loudly whenever they walk or move quickly. 13 1d4 gold vanishes into the Ethereal Plane (no refunds). 14 Their next sneeze casts Prestidigitation in a random direction. 15 All liquids taste like warm pickle juice for 1 hour. 16 The next doorknob they touch shocks them (1 lightning damage). 17 Their hat (or hair) becomes magnetically charged and attracts small metal objects. 18 Every object they touch squeaks like a rubber duck. 19 Every time they blink, they see a brief flash of a disappointed NPC. 20 They forget the word “left” for 24 hours. (They can describe it, but not name it.) For the modest sum of 69,000 eggs and one crisp high flipper, this wand of petty power can be yours. That’s right—chaos with class, one inconvenience at a time.

jellz

Shello and shellutations, tortles! I hope you’re having a fintastic bathternoon. I’d like to offer a deliciously simple idea forward to the tank today: The Bear of False Innocence! This is a magical item that looks like a large stuffed bear. While hugging the bear with both arms, the creature magically embodies childlike innocence and gains +4 to Deception checks when they’re feigning innocence. Additionally, hugging this plush allows the creature to lie once about their innocence in a situation while under the effects of Zone of Truth. If The Bear of False Innocence is used this way, it instantly loses its magic and just becomes a normal plush bear. Imagine a battle-hardened hero of the realm looking their enemy straight in the eye while hugging a bear toy and saying “it wasn’t me, I’m just so sweet and innocent.” Tortles, I don’t ask for much for this idea, I just ask for one single fertilized egg for 46% share. I’m also open to rebalancing because I just thought of this in the car. Thank you.

Tophat Pete

I see the max number of uses as baked into it, because each time you use it your Max health irreparably lowers. Keep using it and eventually it will kill you. You could save it up for a BBEG and go crit crazy, but then even if you don't take any hits from the enemy you will permanently be weakened after the battle.

Ganpan14O

Esteemed Tortles of the Tank, I have heard the cries of Emily. Poison is flawed in DnD, and I have a proposal to fix it: leveled poison. Poison, similar to exhaustion, would become a leveled status effect, and creatures that where before poison immune would simply subtract some number from inflicted levels of poison. Furthermore poison levels would not directly add, instead every 2 sources of a level count as 1 source of the next level up. While I have stated out the exact values I do wish to keep this short, so I will leave such details in the replies of this comment.

Ganpan14O

Firstly, creatures such as undead and constructs would remain immune to conventional poisons, however poisons would exist that are designed for them, such as acidic poisons for constructs and holy poisons for undead.

Beb

Shellom to you temptuous torts! Have you ever found yourself playing any class but monk or rogue and thinking “hmm I’ll take the dodge action”? Well… me neither! Today I bring to you the solution to our forgotten action’s lonely predicament. I present to you the cartoon cloak! While wearing this Cloak the dodge action grants an additional +1 to AC as your body (and everything you are wearing/carrying) temporarily morphs into a 2D caracature of yourself. Additionally, you may take the Dodge action as a Bonus Action. If a class feature already grants you a Dodge as a bonus Action, your AC increases by an additional +1 when Dodging. All I ask for in return is a humble custom drawing from my investors of you wearing a dope cloak. Bonus if eggs are heavily featured. Thank you Turts and have a shelltastic day.

Ganpan14O

Secondly, the poison would progress as follows: 1. Disadvantage on con saves 2. Disadvantage on ability checks 3. All damage taken is increased by an extra half 4. Disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws 5. Upon taking a long rest or gaining exhaustion from not doing so the afflicted creature must make a DC 10 Constitution save or drop to 0 hitpoints 6. Instant death

Garog The Wise

Hey Tortles, good to be around like minded reptiles for a change. Have you ever wanted to rip that annoying aracokra pc down to to earth, or have you gotten tried of your DM wumping all you melee hopes and dreams, well I have the tool for, The grappling hook. With using a flavored earthbind spell to act as a way for martial classes without ranged options to deal avivan adversaries, you use you action to attempt to grab some with the grapple, then all they need is to pass a simple dex check if failed they grappler will rip the grappley out of the sky, depending on how spitefully the dm you could add fall damage. I only only ask for a kiss on the cheek from tortious tortle

Witpending

Shello Tortles. My time is valuable so I'll cut right to the chase: I don't know about you but I'm tired of building high dexterity characters with impressive martial prowess only to have to dump strength in favor of other stats. Let's face it: a wimpy 8 strength monk makes no sense. Luckily, I have a solution: make Dexterity a skill check, not an attribute. From now on, your dex based characters and checks will be strength based instead. Checks that require an unusual amount of speed or flexibility can be called for with a dex or acrobatics roll, both of which fall under strength now. Never again will your monk with a 6 pack be less effective than a 13 strength cleric. I have yet to implement this at my table because I don't think the world would understand. I'm looking for an investment of 1 million eggs to help legitimize the brand in exchange for saying it was your idea. Thanks, -witpending

The Infinite Scroll

Greetings tortles, I present a an investment opportunity for a weird artificer subclass. They are obsessed with cubes. They have cube area spells, they can disguise themselves as a cube, and they can summon a big ass cube in battle to push enemies around and provide mobile cover. I am asking for a box of cube shaped eggs, and a 1d6 percent stake in my subclass.

Aaron Tiedemann

Shello and Shelutations Tortles. Have you ever played with a table of horny players? Tired of having your entire table thirst after the same NPC? Then I predent to you the Roll for Hotness system. When a new NPC is introduced any players may request to Roll for Hotness and make a flat D20 roll. The DM makes their own flat D20 roll and determines mutual attraction based on how close together the two rolls are. Get within 1 number of each other and you've got some steam. Players may elect to give themselves advantage or disadvantage on the roll based on their Pc's predilection and the description of the NPC in question. This system became a favorite of my table of 6 years, resulting in cries of "Roll for Hotness" and creating a chance for the dice to tell the story, including making our 6"9' rose gold dragon born only be attracted to greasy old gnomes and one extremely old Tortle. In exchange for 20% I request 2 of your hottest eggs.

Mister Mumbler

Torts, Feat of Multi-Target Spell Crafting A feat gained where appropriate, allows classes with a pool of normal spell slots (Wizard, Ranger, Cleric, Paladin) to up cast single target spells for more targets to hit. Up casting works as follows; Must spend an additional spell slot of same type to target new creature (IE, casting Shield on two PCs would require burning two level 1 slots), requires use your either Action or Bonus Action to use feat (spells with cast time of 1 Action require use of Bonus Action to use feat and vice versa, can not be used on Reaction spells). Restrictions on applicable spells as appropriate, such as spells triggered on weapon hit (Smite), Touch ranged spells (may be negotiable if prior conditions for casting are met, IE more than 1 creature in range when cast), and for spells that can have multiple targets normally (Magic Missile). No eggs, but would like a research position for new development.

Matt Heartwood

Well hello there gentleturts! Ever want to bring a bunch of specific animals along on your adventures, but can't risk the failed stealth checks and other hazards of a traveling menagerie? Courtesy of an NPC from my home game who makes demiplanar wildlife sanctuaries, I have here a proposal for a variant on the Bag of Tricks: the Bag of Buddies! It is functionally identical to Bag of Tricks, except instead of randomized wild animals, it's your pets! When you receive the bag, you create or designate six different beasts of CR 1 or less, complete with names, to be the pets that live in the bag. The pets live in a joyful demiplanar habitat where they have everything they need. Up to three times a day you can summon a pet by pulling a fuzzball from the bag and tossing it while calling the pet by name. The fuzzball bursts and your pet appears in that space. Summoned pets stay out until dawn, or until they drop to zero HP, at which point they go back to the bag to take a nap. If a pet was injured and returned to the bag, they can't be summoned again for 24 hours. For this idea, I ask only that you place 6 of your eggs in this bag I have.

Tom Bystryk

Greetings Tortles and Tortellinis. Have you ever felt your character died somewhat unceremoniously? Perhaps you have chosen that death is the last great adventure, but you wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. I present The Swan Song. In the event of your character being downed, a player can choose to invoke their Swan Song. At any time during death saves, the character can choose to bounce back up with 1 temporary hit point. During this time, a song chosen to be the players last hurrah begins to play. The player can choose to either roll with advantage or deal double damage (not both), for 3 turns, or until they are hit down again, at which point they are DEAD. Never to return to the living. While the dice may tell their story, this collaboration with Dice Christ can open up new avenues for climatic battles. All I ask is for 1 dozen ramen style eggs, and a Bat Out Of Hell vinyl.

Audrey P

Good evening esteemed tortles We all know the polymorph spell. It's iconic, it's beloved, it's amazing utility, and it's *kinda bad* once you get past level 10. Rules as written, your top end beasts are a cr 8 T. rex and a cr 7 giant ape. These quickly become irrelevant in high level campaigns. There are higher challenge beats in expansions, but these are too powerful for a 4th level spell slot Well, allow me to introduce you to a home rule from my tables, simply titled Better Polymorph. An addendum to the polymorph rules text, allowing you to upcast polymorph to transform into a beast of CR = 2x spell slot level. So a 5th level slot gets you up to CR10, 6th to CR12, etc. Balanced off of base polymorph being level 4 and transforming you into a CR8 T. rex. A simple change allowing your aspiring animorphs to continue being a big stompy beastie well into the late game. This has been in effect for two of our long term campaigns and has been a huge hit. They players get to try out fun new terrible beasts at high levels. And the only beasts over CR8 are added by the DM, So there is an amount of control over your players’ kaiju nonsense I am offering a 49% stake in this idea for your highest CR egg, so I may raise a new giga tortle to convert into a polymorphable stat block. Thank you

Elizabeth Boskey

Your shelled magesties, Have you ever been walking in a new place and stumbled across a path that seemed hauntingly familiar? That both called you to walk it and seemed somehow frightening or fraught? When you find that road you know so well in a place you've never been, you have a chance to walk down Memory Lane. Roll well and have a chance to revisit the better days and remember something from the past that brings you solace or helps you further your adventure. Roll badly, and risk getting trapped in your own worst memories, praying someone, anyone, will be able to set you free. Should you choose to allow your players to walk down Memory Lane, they can play through elements of their past with the help of their party, but should things go badly, the psychic damage can be fatal. You can have the small wooden road sign for one tofu scramble, no eggs desired.

Lia

Shello again Tortles and thank you for having me back! You might remember me as the owner of Auxiliary Familiars, I'm back with an update! As you might recall we brought to you the original prototype of the Compaion background. The thrice in a lifetime opportunity to create a bond so magical, that you'll have deep links in the souls (or not, should it be absent!) After several moon cycles with RnD, time spent with my company in the Fae Wilds building commune for hundreds of years (only months according to the timeshift) we've come to the conclusion that the main traits of the feat are exactly this: the bonds you share with allies! That's right, its based based on your bond type! You, as well as allies you bond to will receive big time bonuses! This means that these bonds can be shared among PCs as well! Warrior Bonds: Dedicated combatants in arms you bolster each other's strength allowing a +2 Str/Con modifier for you and +1 Str/Con for your ally, and once per long rest you may shout to your ally to give them advantage during combat! Social Bonds: days or nights spent building the strong connections that make our communities exactly that, us! +2 Cha for you and +1 Cha for an ally and once per long rest you can give advantage on social checks as well as animal handling! Or Makers Bond: as a part of the collective sharing knowledge you gain a +2 to int, wis, or dex and your ally gets +1 to one of the three, after all it takes the smart and the wise to come together. Once per long rest you can give advantage to skill checks that require knowledge of your trades! Be it history, crafting, cooking, or even lock picking for those rapscallions of the planes. Unfortunately the way the bond magic works, you are only allowed one active bond at a time with what you consider to be the strongest aspect between you and your ally. Here at Auxiliar Familiars we've moved away from corporate expanse into territories of making sure community comes first and affordable living for all. Our last venture was successful (though the 20 acres we aquired shifts frequently and we are still trying to locate a tether) My Follettocapara (the goat goblin centaurs of my world) assistant Voxi has informed me you might have access to blessed gem eggs of the Saytrs of Trivella. We are asking for 3 of different hues, 9 kegs of spiced crickwater, and a celebratory dinner at tgi Fridays in exchange for 20% and a lifetime cleaning and service to your tank and equipment we will upgrade (wait til you see the new tech from the Fae Wilds!)

BullywugNugTug

My Tortles! While listening to the beginning of campaign 1, when Beverly tried to do a bullywug mating call, I wondered to myself, “what could a bullywug mating call sound like?” And came up with this chant, “Oh fug I wanna sug I wanna glug glug on that bullywug’s slug Oh fug I wanna chug I wanna give them bullywugs nugs a tug” My request is that this is a canon bullywug mating call in Bahumia, and if NOT, can at least be in the adjacent “Legends” noncanonical comic book series. For this, I offer to you 10 Tully’s tenders from an upstate NY classic turtle-themed restaurant, Tully’s (Ryan and Emily will know what I’m talking about, dunno about Cobble and that other guy).

thedragonllama

Tortles, I will get straight to the point: Hover Honey. “Whatever object or creature hover honey is smeared on hovers 3 feet off of all surfaces below them for a duration of 1 hour. Creatures that smell this honey may try to 'taste' or bite you, and creatures have advantage on smell-related perception checks against you due to a strong, sweet odor. If consumed, the duration lasts for only 10 minutes. Creatures won't smell the honey this way. - You have advantage on Stealth (no footsteps). - You can not jump or actively rest on solid surfaces below you for the duration. - You have Disadvantage on Strength Checks/Saves (No effect if item is "refined") - You have the effects of Feather Fall active - You are unaffected by Difficult Terrain - You walk above water and other semi-liquid surfaces. NOTE: In the campaign I created this for wrote that “You get this from Hover Hives. Failure on a DC 15 Sight of Hand, Animal Handling, or Survival check, trying to retrieve the honey results in a Swarms of Bees attacking you.” Tortles, can I get a hell yeah? I’d also settle for a lifetime of Sunday brunch eggs, or your best offer.

Thomas Witholt | Hermit's Mirror

Good evening, Tortles, and a great evening to the hot magical one! My pitch for flavor-loving Phrynops is the Muse-blessed bard subclass. The cost of college is too high! (And who has time for final recitals mid-campaign?) Skip the schoolwork and petition a patron Muse for blessings. In place of College boons at 3rd, 6th, and 14th levels, the bard receives blessings themed to their patron Muse: they gain an extra skill proficiency and can use bardic inspiration to add proficiency bonus to saving DCs for your Muse’s preferred school of magic, they learn to harness divine power, and they may eventually petition a minor miracle once per long rest. The Muse-touched bard’s magic is considered divine. Role-playing bardic inspiration is encouraged be tied to one’s Muse, such as bombastic rhymes for a bard blessed by Calliope, Muse of epic poetry, or “do better” shade thrown by a disciple of Melpomene, Muse of tragedy.

Thomas Witholt | Hermit's Mirror

Oh, and I offer you a 50% stake in exchange for miraculous brainstorming and some leftover lemon bars or egg-forward baked goods.

Glenn D AKA Mcdoogins

Greetings Tenacious Tortles, Are you tired of having a healing potion stuck in your pocket when you're unconscious and need it most? Is your party low on heals? Well then you miiight beee... In need of my product. The Walking Potion Bottle. If you go unconscious this bottle slowly walks to your mouth and pours itself in. The catch is that it doesn't make it to your mouth until the start of your next turn. You must use the remaining action and bonus action on that turn to tell him he's a good bottle. If you don't, he walks away into the sunset incredibly slowly. I'm offering a 99.9% stake in this deal. I'm an ideas tortle so I really don't want to bother with the mechanics or logistics. In return you send me a small monthly residual egg.

Beav

Greetings my fellow lettuce fuckers! I come before you today with a mechanic I plan to play-test in an upcoming Wild Magic Western themed campaign. May I introduce: The Quick Draw Dice Inspired by dimension 20s “Never stop blowing up” system, every character toting a hellfire revolver has a designated dice to roll in the event of a high noon showdown (as opposed to slogging away at HP). The dice starts out as a D4, but graduates to the next die-size whenever the highest value on the dice is rolled. If two or more characters, decide that it’s time to do-or-die, their Quick Draw dice is rolled, DEX and WIS modifiers are added, and the loser is immediately dropped and begins death saves. Obviously, I suspect my players will find a way to abuse this high lethality system, but I’d be disappointed if they didn’t. The main goal of this mechanic is to create those incredibly tense scenarios in classic Western showdowns where your life hangs on the razor’s edge. Kill-or-be-killed. Two enter, one leaves. And also, minimal math. For a 69% stake in this 5e system modification, I simply ask for 420 eggs and a head of your silkiest lettuce. I appreciate your time. PS: Below are some of the skills players can acquire as they level up to improve their Quick Draw Talent as well as the more in depth rules for this mechanic. It would be way too long to read out loud on the pod though. Quick Draw Skills - Starting QD dice is a d6 when acquiring a new hellfire weapon - Switch your modifier for Quick Draw from WIS to INT or CHA - Switch Quick Draw modifier from DEX to STR - Gain 1 guilt-free Quick Draw per LR (just take damage when losing) - Once per LR, roll your QD die twice in a roll and add the scores. Explosions to graduate die size are still possible. - As a reaction, you may roll your QD die and replace an ally’s roll with the value, but no your modifiers (must be in range, 20ft) - As a reaction, you may take a bullet for an ally within half your movement range Quick Draw Rules - For the roll to occur, each party must possess a hellfire weapon. Weapons otherwise misfire. - A player uses one attack to call a target in range, and attempt a kill shot. If the parameters are met, each character rolls their quick draw die and adds DEX+WIS (unless a skill is taken). Whoever rolls lower, begins making deathsaves (1st one immediately). - On a tie, both character’s Hellfire weapons implode, dealing fire damage equivalent to the die rolls - Whenever a character attempts a quick draw killshot or defense, they must either take 10 damage, gain a point of exhaustion, permanently decrease an ability score by 1, or turn their next nat 20 into a nat 1. - If a character is healed after losing a quick draw, they pop back up to half of their previous HP (+the amount healed) but gain 1 point of exhaustion. - QD die starts at d4 and graduates upon highest roll (NSBU rules) - If a character losses their current hellfire weapon, their die starts back at a d4 (unless taken a skill)

reading list

Hello your beshelled orbulences, you’re all looking so very orbulescent today! My pitch today is straightforward and for the forever-DMs all around the world: lie to everyone you meet, insist you have no experience DM’ing. Go on a first date with someone enthusiastic about games as well? Share in that feeling, but just don’t tell them you’ve DM’d before. Withholding this is more likely to lead to a true second date than the truth, which will only lead to running games for a group of complete strangers all the while wondering if there’s any chemistry one-on-one. The benefits are extensive beyond your mere self-preservation. In a group with rotating administrators and there’s a ruling dispute between an active and off-duty GM? You can share your opinion and look super wise and cool and not like you’re telling them how to do their job from a place of authority (and that really helps deescalate these things). Your DMs pull you aside and thank you so much for being a plot-hound, for making a big character choice, for doing a consistent character voice, and they all secretly fall in love with you. They ask you for input, and they trust you to make big player decisions without shutting them down right away. You get to steer the ship without all the unacknowledged labour that goes into assembling a craft that floats in the first place. And everyone teases you “when will you run a session” and you get to keep them on the edge of their seats, but never have an obligation to throw yourself into the ring like that because there’s an invisible threshold most players respect when they believe you haven’t DM’d before. Undercover-DM’s are extremely nourishing units in a playgroup, and you get to keep your sanity. If you have trouble retelling stories from an old campaign without describing your role in them, practice over and over and always just tell them it wasn’t a game you ran, you misspoke it was actually from a NADDPOD side quest behind the paywall, “oh no that’s so parasocial of me haha.” What I am asking for in exchange for this idea is no eggs, I was never here, who are you guys? Is that the guy from college humour, the Phantom of the Office? No no I’ve never run a game before why would you say that.

Weston Pate

Good evening, most esteemed Capitortlists! Looking to add a little (and somewhat literal) 'pop' to your game as we coast towards Fourth of July here in the States? I present to you, Liarcrackers! These uncommon (but not unpopular) magic items are most easily sold in sillier magic-item shops, coming in a small pack of six, medium and 'mortar' sizes! When primed via a thumb-press, these fireworks will activate when someone knowingly lies within audible earshot of the device. Shooting out sparks, loudly crackling, before finishing with the smirking imp mascot's face in the subsequent explosion. While relatively harmless at the smallest stage, they are also easily activated by even the mildest of mistruths. The larger sizes are less likely to be triggered by 'small' lies and as such are fun little ways to punish seedy politicians, card sharks or casino dealers, maybe even fleecing merchants! With an Arcana check and a piece of hair/other biological detritus, you can even 'key' the Liarcracker to a specific person! (High-intelligence opposition, or those with keen perception, might be aware enough to preface their conversations with a soft lie in order to try and forestall upending their hidden villainy though.) In exchange for 39% of my pitch, I ask for the crispest egg from among each of our most vaunted Torts, thank you for your time.

DJ Matty Lil Crits

Greetings my tubular torts and freshly hatched turtle Jake being pursued by circling seagulls. Do your divination wizards want to embrace the most prolific of divinatory practices? I present the Tarot Deck Portent. When "rolling" for portents, have your wizard instead draw from a tarot deck, and let the cards determine your fate. The major arcana are already numbered 0-21. for 1-20, it is as simple as using the card's number. If your wizard draws "The World" (21), they gain a free extra portent of whatever number they choose. However if they draw "The Fool" (0), they lose one of their portents for the day. For a 69% stake, I am asking for an investment of 21 turtle eggs, or the egg of 1 crusty city pigeon with a huge dick that scares people at the park, I just re-listened to that short rest

Hawthorn

(From my spouse, Also Jake) "Most shell-acious Tortles, I present to you Critical Intensity! This elegant tweak adds layers of narrative flavors to rolling Nat 20's and Nat 1's by adding a follow-up d20 roll that inspires how the critical plays out in game. This is NOT to be confused with 'confirmed criticals'; in this proposal, the meat of your crits stays hot, you just change up the seasoning! Let's say a fighter makes an attack and rolls a Nat 20. Now, they roll another d20 to Intensify! Rolling high on Intensity might mean they unleash a limit-break caliber attack guaranteed to impress the party's hot goth warlock. Rolling low might mean the attack turns out slapstick, and the fighter slips on jam right as the Gnoll trips over a tree root and onto their sword. What about Nat 1s? Say a Bard rolls a Nat 1 on a performance check to impress an assembly of Troll nobles. Let the dice decide how bad things get! If the Bard then rolls a Nat 20 on the Intensity die, they could do a fantastic job at failing - maybe they break a valve on their keytar, but keep their cool and crack a well-timed joke, maintaining the respect of the Trollbles.  I'm asking for 20 eggs for a 49% stake, but they can't be your eggs. It doesn't count if you buy or trade for them, you have to steal the eggs."

Lorelei G.

Good afternoon, esteemed businesstortles, might I say that you are all looking quite snappy today? What I have for you today is no magic item or complicated spell. What I have for you is merely a simple mechanic to help make your player's high rolls really count. Tortles, I ask you, what does it *really* look like when the rogue rolls a 29 on a stealth check? What does it look like when the paladin rolls a 35 on athletics check to hold the door shut and keep out a horde of the undead? incredible, unparalleled success. Now, what does that look like when it's a group stealth check and the fighter and artificer roll an 8 and a 13, or it's a group athletics check and the wizard and cleric roll a 3 and a 10? Probably not so impressive anymore. Tortles, my proposal is simple: rather than basing a group skill check on individual successes or losses, take the average of all the players' rolls. Suddenly, the rogue's eye for stealth and the paladin's bulging muscles can help carry their companions with how wildly successful they were in their attempts. Does this take a little extra math? Yes. However, you're playing a fucking math game and you have a calculator in your pocket, you fucking nerd. I have personally tested this rule at my table to great success, with my players helping carry each other through various challenges in each of their own areas of expertise. I offer you 75.00% ownership of this rule, at the cost of four and seven eighths of an egg (4.875 eggs) delivered every Saturday morning for the next 150 years. Thank you, and stay snappy.

Alex Gonzalez-Garcia

To the tantalizing tortals Sandwell, Surphy, and Seamily and of course their flounder Jackson I present to you EX-p for milestone campaigns. Have you ever had a player do something incredibly cool or dumb that you the Dm loved and are feeling like inspiration isn’t enough? I present you a use for that empty box on ur character sheet, EX-p! Whenever someone does something that feels like it needs to be reward I pitch you give them 100 EX-p. Whenever a player manages to gather 1000 EX-p they can now negotiate a treat from the Gm. Think of it as teacher giving their elementary students fake money for being good and letting them choose a reward. This can be multi purpose, you can negotiate for a cool magic item to be presented to you or maybe even using them to save yourself for what would otherwise be a deadly situation. The silly or narrative potential of EX-p is limitless. All I ask in exchange for this idea is one humble egg that is perfectly made into a French omelet.

Cole Fitzgerald

Dear Torts and the regular-ass earth turtle Jake, Want your NPCs to join in the fight but hate the effect it has on round length and combat complexity? And DMs—aren’t you sick of a PC dropping to zero, only for the table to shrug it off because they know someone will pop them back up with a Cure Wounds? Not with Squire Support. Squire Support lets you treat your NPC like an item instead of a full stat block. The NPC supports the player by offering a combination of: • An AC bonus • Advantage on attacks or class-specific saving throws (based on the NPC’s class) • A minor bonus action class feature, like Bardic Inspiration or Second Wind, which the player can use in addition to their own action economy This gives players the feel of an allied NPC in combat—without bogging down initiative with another full turn. It also adds flavor to turns and gives the DM an easy way to narrate NPC contributions for players who may be less comfortable with narrative description. The downside? When a player drops to 0 HP, their NPC goes down too. This raises the stakes and forces players to adapt when things go south. The bonus? It introduces a new option for TPKs—not just death or imprisonment, but the emotional gut-punch of watching your beloved squire fall as you fade into unconsciousness. All I ask in return is a dozen eggs sent to The G.R.O.U.P. Project, an organization that provides social skills learning through D&D and other games for young adults on the autism spectrum. (Eggs will be used to demonstrate how to make a proper frittata.)

Cosmiccino

Hello my Torts that reject jorts. If there is one thing that often ends up being unceremonious, it is character death. I want you to think of one of the most tragic but beautiful scenes from Lord of the Rings. Boromir's last stand. The man fought bravely, but took two arrows to the chest. He was not going to live, but did that stop him? No. He kept fighting til the end for his friends. So here I present to you, the Final Stand. Rather than your PC unceremoniously dying from an unlucky nat 1 on a death save or due to the conditions. A PC can now opt for a last stand. The PC before they die summons their last ounce of strength for their friends in the battle. They get the hasted condition, giving them an extra action. Then for the duration of a turn they cannot fail a roll except on a nat 1 before finally succumbing to their wounds. So a fighter can do all their attacks in one final desperate attempt. A spell caster can cast 1 or 2 final spells. A person who opts for a last stand cannot be resurrected with any spell, because their body becomes too pushed passed their limits. Of course, a player can just not do that and hope their party can survive and resurrect them later. But as we know, one death can spiral into a TPK and you can make the ultimate sacrifice. All I humbly ask for a stake to bring more Boromirs into your game is for any spoiled eggs you may have. They will be given to my necromancer to build my army of zombie eggs. So tell me tortles, will you hide in your shells in padsivity? Or soar farther than a blue shell in Mario Kart from last place? I humbly await your magnanimous decision.

Reuben Simmonds

Wassup my turts I bring to you today a simple and easy rule: Respect The Nats. Whenever you roll with either advantage or disadvantage if you roll either a Nat 1 or a Nat 20 you must take that roll regardless of whether that would be the "correct" result. In the case of both dice coming up with a conflicting Nat you then default to whether the roll had advantage or disadvantage. How well is this balanced? I don't know man that's for people smarter than me to figure out, but if Dice Christ wants to bless you with a Nat who are we to deny Him?? For this new, brave, and frankly sensual idea I request 1 egg from each of you and you can't ask me what I'm going to do with it.

Joseph Fernandes

Here's my pitch: To award players who decide to take time to search and procure components, when a player actively decides to cast a spell with the components they gathered, their spells can be rolled a spell level higher. If a wizard remembers to look for some bat guano in a cave they're exploring, when they cast a 3rd level fireball at 4th level without using a higher level spell slot. For spells that don't have damage rolls, the spell's effects will last longer or extend their area of effect. For example, if an artificer remmebrs to stock up on some licorice shavings from the apothecary, their Haste spell will last 2 instead of one minute. A bard with some extra copper pieces (Why? I don't know) can use Detect Thoughts to hear thoughts from 60 instead of the usual 30 feet away. This would encourage players to explore more of the nooks and crannies of the world for spell materials and appease more hard core by the book players. All I ask is for 31 eggs and a secured, safe place on the beach close to water to bury them so that when they hatch they have a better chance of not getting eaten by birds or from Caldwell (who probably would want to grab them and create his own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). (Note:I'm willing to negotiate on how much a buff or effect this would have on various spells, like area of effect or duration. Perhaps for some spells increasing their spell save by 1?)

Dr. Eggman

Excuse me, sorry! Here to drop off the eggs! 🫱🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🫲

Josh Kumar

Thank you for taking time from your work (at a nonprofit) to comment

Jamjam

‘Sup, cowards! I offer you the chance to fully explore your opportunistic, cowardly and shitty sides by taking the cowardly feat: Cowardly: You can choose to take disadvantage on your initiative roll to then make your first attack with advantage, provided you haven’t been hit or targeted before your turn. (the idea is that you would intentionally hang back and let your party members take the hits for you, you bastard)

LuneGazer

HELLOOOOOO my shiny shelled tortles! Are you tired of problematic dm-pc's? Let me introduce the dm-BBEG! A tale full of accidental plot holes, npc's who are a little too robotic or who's information doesn't fully track. Well that was all accidentally on purpose thanks to the dm-BBEG, a god of creation still trying to figure things out. All im looking for this idea is a single gold- plated century egg and the praise for the tortle-ly tubular tortles in the tank

Jamjam

Did you even want the thrill of taking a fae deal that might cost you your name? Introducing the Feywild title mechanic! While in the Feywild, players can earn minor or major titles, either given by fey of a certain rank, eg for completing a quest, or magically by the Feywild, eg by doing an act worthy of storytelling. players can then introduce themselves by these titles and bargain with them like with names. Titles can lead to advantages or disadvantages in social situations, depending on what court bestowed it and who you interact with. Some spaces may only be visited by pcs with a title of cunning, tournaments may only be entered with a title of bravery, and some titles may be powerful enough to be invoked and cause a magical effect. They can be lost by acting against it in public or by contradicting it in a major way (eg losing a hero title when you run from a fight) I made my title mechanic a full rule system but this might work for just roleplaying too. It definitely brings a royal fey flavour to the game. (And yes, it was inspired by the ttrpg agon) I’d love to take the egg you might bestow a title of cunning upon, along with its title to trade to a sea hag. Thanks!

Rin Carranza

Hiya torts possibly in the jorts! I bring you today a dark fantasy esc cursed book of knowledge! A book (I did it as a small diary but let the dm decide) that can be interacted with during a rest that gives a player, or the group of players who delve into its pages one word per page but written in suspiciously red ink (wink wink). This word is given by the dm to help hint at something that may be happening around the plot, something that is going to happen, or, if the player(s) want to get crazy they can write down a question themselves but must do so in their own blood. I ruled it as the player asking the question doesnae take damage but its flexible where the dm can rule it for their to be risk to pass the day's damage taken. Since its during a long rest they will recover regardless. The page writes its one word as if being sliced. The book/diary has limited pages and once they get to the last page, a face reveals itself. Literally! The curse is not on the players but a npc who was cursed via their body to book form. How else was the words going to be written, and where the knowledge came from? The npc themself of course. I suggest that the players can free the npc and create an arc around that, but of course the book is modular to the dm. In return of this idea, I ask for 3 eggs to raise as my own as tortles are awesome! 💜

Ilana Galpert

May it please the Esteemed Tortles and the wriggly little swamp fish Jake, Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you are DMing a group of rowdy elementary schoolers. Hypothetically 9 of them. One of them is getting picked on by the other kids at the table. It's untenable, and drawing attention to the bullying will either make it worse or make the poor kid feel like he's under a spotlight. Perhaps there is another way...? You offer the kid a....possibly cursed amulet with mysterious abilities. Next time he's the target of malice, the aggressor takes a d4 of psychic damage. If they do it again, a D6. Again, D8. This is the cursed amulet of justice. It has a few abilities. The first and most important is the escalating damage as a result of bullying, but beware--should the bullied become a bully themself, they too will take damage (though less damage.) Also the amulet is connected to a warlock patron, a Fiend of Vengeance, and accepting the amulet gives the player some Warlock abilities that are disguised as other class abilities blah blah blah

Cameron L

Hey there, centortles! Legendary Resistance is an important mechanic to keep fights from being anticlimactic. However… it's pretty boring. I propose a revised version of Legendary Resistance: Instead of succeeding automatically, the creature adds a hefty bonus to their saving throw (say, 1d12). If it still fails, the creature can keep expending uses of the feature to add the bonus repeatedly. This rewards players' use of debuffs like Bane and Heightened Spell, because if you make the opponent's save especially low, it can take two or more LRs to salvage it. DMs can adjust the size of the bonus and the uses per day to tweak the balance. For a forty-nine percent share of this idea, I humbly ask for an investment of one zillion eggs. Or if that one's no good, my other idea is centortles and you can have it for free. (Please add more centaurs to the show thanks)

Kerri

Hello tortles! This one is for Caldwell. Because he said that pb and j sandwiches are for babies. And he’s not wrong. May I present: the peanut butter grilled cheese. Gooey in all the best ways, absolutely don’t knock it until you try it. A beloved staple of my childhood, mum made me one for breakfast often when I was a tyke because guess what? babies can’t use the stove. It’s also good with a bit of jelly as well. They’re endlessly customizable, filling, unique yet somehow familiar. All I’m asking in return is giving my sandwich a good honest try, and maybe sharing it with the listeners and next generation if you so please.

Rachel Bakke

Greetings Tortles! I have created a curse for players who wish to showcase disability in adventuring, without having to sacrifice their constitution. Curse of the Bone Malady: Short tests are taken as normal and expend hit dice. During Long rests, players only roll their remaining hit dice plus constitution modifier to regain hit points. If at the end of a long rest, your hit points are under half of your total hit points, take one level of exhaustion. Spending an hour with an herbalism kit allows you to reroll any number of the hit dice, but you must take the second roll. For this I would ask for your tiniest, most sickly egg, which I will hopefully grow into a strong adventurer

Kaisa Wallace-Moyer

Greeting, Torts and Tortettes! Doesn't it feel great to roll a skill check with proficiency? And doesn't it feel a little sad to look down at your shiny, brand new character sheet and only have 4, (maybe 5 if you're lucky), Skill Proficiencies? I bring to you today an idea to tack on to Character Creation that I'm calling 'Skill Proficiency Tradeoff.' Imagine: you're a Wizard who has spent years with your nose buried in books. What if you had the option to apply *negative* proficiency to, say, Athletics, in exchange for an additional Skill Proficiency, or even an Expertise in a skill you have already selected Proficiency in? As your character progresses through the levels, every time your Proficiency Bonus increases, your Athletics modifier would *decrease* accordingly. What might normally be a -1 to Athletics, would instead start as a -3, and scale all the way up to a -7 by level 17 if you never find a way to counteract this deficit. But you would have one additional Skill Proficiency to play with for that entire character's lifespan! What use does a level 1 Druid or Ranger have with History checks, when there is Animal Handling, Nature, and Survival to master? In exchange for a 49% stake in my company I am asking for merely 1 starting clutch of eggs with which to kickoff my next campaign. -Nick in Boston

Sam C

Howdy Torts, I present to you a jar with a hastily scribbled label that says "Vile Vial." This Item is effectively a canning jar full of caltrops and a mysterious greenish-brown goo that can be thrown up to 30 feet and wherever the jar lands the contents will break out into a 5-foot radius circle of caltrops. glass, and goo. Any creature that starts their turn or passes through the goo must take 1d4 piercing damage and make a DC 15 constitution save or become poisoned. They may make this save at the end of each round until they are no longer poisoned, however, if they fail 3 saves then they will suffer the Sewer Plague disease. Upon inspecting the contents of the jar with a DC 15 medicine or investigation check the creature will notice that the hastily scribbled note doesn't say "Vile Vial," it says "Bile Vial." If any creature that has ever been previously affected by the "Bile Vial" discovers the true contents of the jar they will automatically take 1d12 psychic damage and have disadvantage on constitution saves until their next in-game shower. This disgusting idea can all be yours for the price of all your rotten eggs, so that we can begin mass producing more jars full of excrement.

Tavitafish

Greetings Tortles, and Guest Jake Don't you ever feel like being a DM is a lot of prep work. Or your players don't have an interest in the world you've created. Or it's hard for you to know what's in your dms world. Well let me introduce you to: collaborative map making. Everyone gets a chunk of the map (preferably where their character is from) and they make it. It's history, landmarks, cultures, etc. then you come together and fit it all together. I haven't really tried this in an organized fashion but even small stuff like this is a blast. All I want is your attention pretty please. And some eggs.

Baron Trousers

Wasup naughty torties, I know we’ve got a busy day ahead, eating lettuce and breathing out of our buttholes (it’s a turtle thing). So, I’ll get right to it and won’t waste your time. How many times have you desperately wanted to blackmail a Gelatinous Cube, start a small business with a Wyvern, teach a Griphon to appreciate art, or ask a Gibbering Mouther if they dream, only to realise that you can’t communicate with them? Don’t you love it when you cast speak with animals on a random critter and force your DM to come up with a silly little voice. There are spells that allow you to speak with plants and animals, but what about oozes? monstrosities? aberrations? Well, I have the magic item for you. No longer will your monstrous musings go unanswered with the Belt of the Monsters Call. It’s basically a belt that gives you a +3 bonus interacting socially with dragons, monstrosities, aberrations, plants, elementals and oozes incapable of speech. Also, once a day you can use the belt to understand one of these types of creatures, the same way you can speak to animals. The product is 90% there, but we just need to work out some of kinks. Many of our beta testers have unfortunately formed romantic attachments with Cockatrice. I’m looking for a single egg, soft-boiled, in an egg-cup, with some toast cut into little soldiers.

Jackson Hurley

Sup Torts, 3 eggs for my Self-Pissing Jorts (Attunement Required) P.S hate the show

Thom van Tijn

Hello Esteemed and Effective Torts, Today I bring to you a pitch to revolutionize Initiative! I present the concept of Popcorn Initiative. Instead of everybody rolling for their spot in Initiative, the highest roll goes first and then chooses who goes next. This procedes until everyone has gone, at which point the person who went last chooses who goes first next round. This allows more tactical decisions to combat, do you have your team to first and try and take out the event in one round, do you let the enemy get their hits in, will you leave one person at the end ask you can choose who goes first? All I ask for this concept is one whiskey sour with turtle egg whites.

Chazz

The Horn of Gratuitous Cameos. Hey tortles one egg for my dumb homebrew magic item to ruin your game. Having played with my group with over 5 campaigns, I’ve accumulated many beloved NPCs over the years that are displaced as soon as the campaign ends. Until now introducing The Horn of Gratuitous Cameos! as an action blow the horn to summon a random NPC from a different world on your D8 table. Will you get that badass wizard, the annoying goblin who throws dung? Who knows! They show up through a portal for about a minute and disappear after or whenever it would be funny. Also if you don’t have any beloved NPCs you can fill your table with random pop culture characters like Air Bud, The Grinch, and Stuart Little.

Rob's Wit

Helloooooo TORTLES. Hold on to your Shells and Go-Karts for this one because I bring to you "LAP THE MAP" a legally distinct version of Mario Kart, but with dice! Here's the gist: 1 Six Space Track 2 Mystery Power Spots that grant a power up. (2nd and 5th spaces) 4 types of dice (d4, d6, d8, d20) Movement and Damage Die: d4 Mystery Box Power Die: d6 Your physical Dicecart: d8 (note - the number facing up represents the lap you are on) Shell Die: d20 To start the game, place your d8 with the 1 facing up at the start line. Everyone roll your d20 Shell Die to see who starts then go clockwise. On your turn: Roll Movement (1d4) Choose Action: - Dash: +1 to your movement - Coast: +0 to your movement - Attack: -1 to your movement activate power up. Power ups (1d6): 1 - Green Shell: Throw DC: 8+spaces away. On hit: -1d4 from target's next movement 2 - Red Shell: Throw (w/ advantage) DC: 8+spaces away. On hit: -1d4 from target's next movement. 3 - Red Mushroom: +1d4 to your current movement 4 - Golden Mushroom: +1d4 to your current and next turn's movement 5 - Lightning: -1d4 to all other targets' next movements' 6 - Rocket or Blue Shell: -- Rocket: Move immediately to the space behind the leader then roll 1d4 movement. --Blue Shell: Skip the leader's next turn. --- Note: When a 6 is rolled, the effect occurs immediately. All other power ups (1-5) must be activated via the Attack action. END PHASE: First to the finish line takes victory position and sets their die to their Victory Score: the amount of spaces the victor traveled AFTER the finish line. They must survive 1 full round from the other players who can either: - try to deal damage equal to or more than the potential victor's victory score. or - move more spaces passed the finish line than the potential victor. I ask not for eggs, but would love a one-way trip to Congo Bongo Island. Here's a link to the full rules and a printable map! https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/36kskaiu68zxuub8fkv0n/Lap-the-Map.pdf?rlkey=xhn7jb32eby5l65ehzjs5kuel&st=h7sd9itp&dl=0 https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/36kskaiu68zxuub8fkv0n/Lap-the-Map.pdf?rlkey=xhn7jb32eby5l65ehzjs5kuel&st=h7sd9itp&dl=0

Stig

Mm very true. And, if nothing else, it's great fodder for an epilogue where this hero of the realm has to deal with the damage to their body and willpower, and inevitably faces situations later in life where there's pressure from those who don't understand (and guilt internally) to just use the relic and save the day quickly w/out risking the lives of others.

Stig

Lolol damn got me. Can't believe I happened to be on the toilet while reading this, too.

Thunderous Turtle

Tortles. If you can read then you will like my idea! If you don't like my idea its because you can't read! But boy do I have a solution for you. The Librarians A,B,Cs of items! You've heard of the Ring of Grammarian but I'm presenting its sisters items. The A-Shield and Swordle. The swordle is a beautiful blade with a unique hilt, etched in ruins the word sword is spelt. Once per short rest, spin those ruins to make a new word and change the sword properties! Ghost for a spectral sword given necrotic damage? Goose to speak to animals of the bird varierty? The options are 5 letter endless... DM discretion advised. Buy now and also get the ABC shield - a buckle shield with the letter A bolding on its surface but once again twist the notch on the handle once per long rest and alter the damage type the shield can partially absorb, B for bludgeoning, R for rats! For access to my library all I ask is for 26 eggs so I can make an alphabet omlette

Grant

Hello Tortles! Over the years DMing, I've bought several extra books that added new spells to the game. Trouble is, it's hard to incorporate new and interesting spells in the game without overwhelming players with options. Not anymore. I'm proposing Spellbooks for All! This isn't just a house rule. I'm also offering a campaign pitch that incorporates the house rule. That's twice the value for your eggs! THE RULE: Under my proposal, every spellcaster gets a spellbook that works like a wizard's. That means everyone stocks spells after a long rest AND everyone can add spells to their spellbooks FOR FREE when they find those spells in play. THE CAMPAIGN: In the campaign, designed for an all-caster party, the primary plot hook is that, seemingly at random, some spells have stopped working and can't be cast anymore. The party has to find working replacements, figure out what's causing the spells to stop, and then do something about it before all of magic stops working forever. Over the course of the campaign, more spells, including some the PCs rely on, also stop working. Behind the screen, the DM is rolling on a big list of all the spells in the Players Handbook to find out which ones stop working. Eventually, the DM should add the spells from whatever other sources you have to this list. Rolls for which spells stop working happen at least at every long rest and whenever else the story calls for it. THE ASK: I'm asking for an investment of at least two dozen extra large eggs of USDA Grade B or better. Thank you! THE FINE PRINT: • This rule doesn't change your spell slots or the number of spells you can prepare each day. • A DM running this campaign has an obligation to generously hand out spells as loot. • Some class features are built as spells or modify particular spells, like Hunter's Mark for Rangers, Eldritch Blast for Warlocks, or Mage Hand for Arcane Tricksters. If those spells come up, be flexible. • This campaign would not be for everyone. For this to work, a DM has to be very upfront with the players about what the campaign is going to be, and players need to be the sort of players who are okay with losing some control over what their characters can do and who enjoy the challenge of making the most of non-optimized situations.

Klompus Smith

Allow it Once Rule G’day Tortles, I come to you with a proposed rule for rules conscious DMs that don’t want to discourage the creativity of new or experimenting players. The “Allow it Once” rule. On occasion, my players (especially new ones) will be excited to enact a super cool strategy on their turn which is predicated on the misunderstanding of a spell or ability. In these situations I tell them that I will “allow it once”, and allow them to play out their turn inline with their interpretation of the effect. After the encounter has been resolved, I then respectfully explain to them how that spell or ability is actually intended to function within the rules. This is my way of helping my players understand the finer details of the game without shutting down or discouraging creativity. The only caveat is that this rule does not apply to an overly disruptive or game breaking interpretation of the rules, or someone acting in bad faith. I will allow one of you wet torts to take this rule from me, if you allow me just one egg.

The Father of Eilir

Hello Tortles, I have a half-baked, untested idea that you would be a fool not to fully develop and give me all the accolades for. I present to you, title rewards. The idea is simple enough: part of the loot members of the party can earn, are titles based off of the most memorable or important thing that happened. In my mind, one (and only one) player from the party would receive this at each level and the title would be mechanically helpful in some social interactions and harmful in others... nothing game breaking, maybe just a plus 2 for the roll. I don't know, like I said the idea is half-baked and untested. But more importantly the titles would be an in-world catalog of everything that made the adventure fun and exciting. Kill the medusa after all your party members were petrified? You are now "Gorgon's Bane". Role three 1s in a row, you are now "Destiny's Fool". All I ask in exchange is a title to be bestowed upon me by the tortles. Assuming your investment already, The Father of Eilir (pronounced AH-leer) PS for Emily, if there is time (if not, I totally understand but please share this with her privately) You song, The Serpent's Seranade, has become my code language to tell my 15 year old that I am proud of them or that I feel particularly close to them. I just put it on or text it to them and I think they get it. Thanks for the gift that my kid and I share!

Noah

Messing with initiative. Good time of day Tortles! I bring you a fun way of making combat a little more interesting. Simply mess around with initiatives! I’ve recently given my player who is a time wizard a fun thing to boost them. (I’m using a modified version of the upgrade tree you talked about in another session) now my players spells either add or subtract one from the creature that was affected by a spell. (This stacks) We have already had a moment where a speedy enemy was slowed due to this effect. I don’t like eggs so I’ll take a hug.

Ina

Cantrip snacks! Good day to you, Tortles. May I present an extra, homebrew cantrip. My cleric worships the God of Travelers, and my most magnanimous DM granted me this lighthearted, homebrew cantrip. I present: Camping Snacks. It is an Action to cast, you put your hand in your pocket and draw out one handful of gorp - always with a bit of lint you can pick out before eating. Alternatively, you can use it at the campfire during a Long Rest to create s’mores ingredients. We don’t play with rations, so it’s never unbalanced the game, it’s just a bit of light fun. For this cantrip I would ask a Cadbury Crème Egg, for use in a very messy s’mores (s’more singular?)

Kawilder

Mid'day to y'all Tortas. I come to your moist tank to offer a lvl 9 spell for a gold but cracked egg. (Gimme the shell) Event Horizon Casting time: 1 Action Range/Area: 150 ft./50 ft., 100 ft. Duration: 1 round Saves: STR, DEX Conjure a small back hole the size of a wiffle ball with a golden event Horizon around it at any point within range. Any unsecured objects and creatures Large size or smaller in a 50 ft. radius sphere centered at that point must make a DC 20 Strength save. Faliure to save results in the creature getting sucked into the black hole taking 12 D12 force damage. Anything sucked into the black hole is temporarily sent astral plane till the start of the casters next turn. From the outside, it looks like the black hole is shrinking untill it gets to the size of a gold coin, at which it will then explode sending all of the contents and loose debris shrapnel shooting outwards in all directions. All creatures that have been sucked in should roll a D8 to dictate which direction they will be sent flying in. (1/up, 3/right, 5/down, 7/left, even numbes are diagonal directions on a battle grid) If creature collides with another creature or solid object within 100 feet of travel, the creature takes 12d6 "falling damage"(feather fall negates the damage). If creature flys 100 ft. unobstructed, they skid against the ground like in an anime fight and have the prone condition. Any creatures within 100 ft. Radius sphere centered at the point of the black holes location must make a DC 15 DEX save. Faliure on save take 12d6 piercing damage (or bludgeoning, DM's choice,) success on save take half as much damage. Thank you all for your time, big fan, big time lurker, first time submitter.

Grass

I love naddpod so much i hope it’s fulfilling for them

Walker Thurman

Howdy Tortles! I, like most DMs, want my players to succeed, but I also get great joy from natural 1s. I bring to you an untested item that will give greater chances for both. In exchange, I ask for as many eggs as I can fit in my little cheek pouches. Mouse Plans: Wondrous Item (Book) This tiny book is filled with pages of gold hammered so thin as to be flexible and nearly see-through. Flowing script morphs and drifts upon the pages, always seeming to relate to the situation at hand. The book is bound in wood and leather, stained blue, carved with the image of a mouse-folk in flowing robes. Inscribed in the frontispiece is the phrase “Cum deus abest, mures consilia faciunt” The book has 3 charges, and regains 1d3 charges at the end of a long rest, to a maximum of 3. As a reaction when you or a creature within 30 feet of you make an attack roll or ability check, you may expend a charge to glance at the pages and gain insight into the situation, granting advantage on the triggering roll. You may use this feature after the roll, but before you learn whether it has succeeded. If you roll a natural 1 on either die, God Laughs.

AlexanderTheBoss

Shello Torles! I have an idea that might scratch your shells, now we all know wizards are squishy and I have thought of a new spell that might help them, so mage armor is a 1st level spell and gives you 13 plus your dex to your AC, now what if you can upcast it, you can use a 3ed level and it would give you 15 plus your dex, and if you use a 5th it would give you 17 plus your dex. Now in return, I ask for 10,000 eggs and 10% of all the sales.

Hadabada

Shello magnificent Tortles! Do you have wildly creative players who could add so much to your world — if only they weren’t social cowards who never share their ideas outside of the game? Introducing: Worldbuilding Tokens. Each player can hold up to two tokens. They earn one at each downtime or level-up (at the DM’s discretion) and can spend a token to add or change something in the world. Player entering a new city? They can spend a token to say they have an old friend who lives there, invent a strange new tavern or event, or even introduce a local festival that’s about to start in a couple of days. Tokens can’t be used to undo established facts or past events, and all uses are subject to DM approval. Worldbuilding Tokens give your players a pressure-free way to shape the setting — and might just spark the next generation of DMs. I ask you for your longest egg.

NobodyWrites

Torties and gentle turtus, I propose a game wide feature added to list of actions usable by all npcs and pcs. The Block Action. When using the block action you place yourself between any incoming dmg and the target of your choice, completely preventing them from being targeted by none aoe spells and all weapon attacks. The action is also two fold, you can either use it as an action whereas the creature attempting to hit your ward must roll to beat your own ac OR you may use block as a reaction but when used in this way you as the defender are automatically hit by the attack even if the attack roll would have otherwise missed you. I believe this will give true tank builds something to do to actually defend their squishy team mates and this action can be all yours for the low low price of all of your eggs in perpetuity thank you turts now discuss.

Evil Anagram

Shello and shellom, gentletortles! I propose a rule that when casting Tasha's Hideous Laughter, if you can make the DM laugh with a quick joke or antic then the target creature rolls with disadvantage. For payment, I ask for a single turtle egg soft-boiled and served on ramen

the wizard shelter

Hey there Shellacious Shellots I have a Homebrew ruleset I used in one of my older campaigns that was based on power rangers/kamen rider and I've used it for a character with a mech suit It takes an action to transform into said suit/pilot mech and during that round you gain the dodge action, outside of said suit all dex and strength checks are reduced by two expect for your lowest, and all dex and strength checks are rolled with advantage in suit keeping in line with Kamen rider & power rangers mostly, you gain a finishing move! Any named enemy can be potentially one shot when below 20 or so health with a dc 15 charisma check if failed the dc goes up by 5! for payment all i ask for is a egg salad

Alcrock

Baldur's Braces A set of braces that, when worn, give the wearer a perfect set of teeth (however that looks for their species) and a smile that dazzles and delights all onlookers. The wearer has +10 to persuasion checks. However, the braces are extremely tight around the teeth and render the wearer's speech muffled and completely unintelligible. Any persuasion can only be done non-verbally.

Blubread00

Hello my skylarking turtles and turdis for a buy in of a single large egg with a 49% share in the company I present my home brew idea, the exhaustion of dying. During combat players can go down quite a lot especially the barbarian who refuses to move in anyway and just stands there. To introduce more stakes rather than just having the bad guy stab the downed person I added this exhaustion mechanic. Every time a PC is downed the number of successes and failures reduces by one. So in first down it’s still 3 successes and 3 failures, on second down it’s 2 successes and 2 fails, and on third down it’s either one success or one failure. The PC can gain another death save dice for the roll by taking a level of exhaustion, upping it from 2/2 roll to a 3/3 roll. If you work shop it further I would submit to a 51% buyout of the company.

Sam Nault

(S)hark, Tortles! I present a minor change to the “recharge 5/6” rule that you see for abilities like a dragon’s breath weapon. How many times have you, while DMing, used the big terrifying breath weapon on the dragon’s first turn, only to never roll a 5 or 6 to recharge it for the rest of the encounter? It used to happen to me all the time, until I adopted this minor tweak: after the recharge ability is used, the DC to recharge it decreases by 1 after every round. This (in theory) makes it much more likely that your monster will be able to use its signature ability throughout the fight, while still allowing for the fun of rolling for it. Since this is a minor change, I ask only for your smallest egg in return.

Aloha Nani Simmer

I homebrewed flustered and horny mechanics for fun for my players who are all my best friends of like 3-10+ years. Wis/Cha saving throw w DC set by how attractive the NPC is. 1 failure means they’re flustered w some mechanically disadvantages and then they may have to roll again depending on how badly they failed if the NPC is still around (like if they joint the party temporarily or are speaking w PC for x amount of time). If they fail twice against the same hot NPC they are HORNY which is like flustered condition but for longer. May not be original but I got a hella of a kick. Love the show. Emily do you wanna go on a date? Don’t tell Murph

Kurtis Nusbaum

Hello Tortles, today I have an incredible home brew magic item for you today: The Magic Castor. That's castor with an "o". This wheel may look small, but it contains mighty magic. Simply affix it to any large/heavy object and you will be able to move said object with ease, regardless of terrain. This wheel is even able to access non-euclidian dimensions so as to allow you to roll the object up or down stairs effortlessly. I'm offering and even 50% ownership in exchange for 1 of your finest eggs (I'm not a greedy man, but I do appreciate quality)

matt shaw

I’m a huge fan of Soulslike games but I’m not very good at them, so my favourite way to play is to find the biggest weapon I can, and stance break the enemy with heavy attacks so I can get a critical hit. This has inspired my idea for a homebrew subclass: The Back Breaker Barbarian. Starting at 3rd level, Once per rage if you hit a target with all your attacks on your turn, that target will have to make a strength saving throw equal to half the amount of damage you dealt on your attacks or be knocked prone. You can then use your reaction to make another attack and if that hits, it is an auto crit. Until the start of your next turn, any ally that makes a melee attack against the same target has advantage on their attacks. Starting at 6th level, any ally within 30 feet of you when you land your auto crit reaction will have their morale boosted by seeing you deal such a devastating blow that they gain temporary hit points equal to your strength score plus your proficiency bonus. That’s all I have so far lol.

Null

Tortles. I bring to you the Coins of Benevolent Will. I purchased a bunch of metal coins IRL that I keep in a pouch, not telling my players anything about them. The first time one of them did something cool, I told them that they looked down and say a glimmer of metal and that they could pick it up and hold onto it IRL. They were told that the coins were a sort of “Inspiration point” that they could spend to reroll one die (roleplayed as simply their pocket felt slightly lighter). The party loved them, and were spending as fast as they got them. Whenever they asked an NPC about the coins, no one else had ever seen anything like this. However, during an encounter with a dragon in human form the dragon was instantly drawn to the coins and said that there was a strange draconic magic at work, and that perhaps something greater could be unlocked if enough coins were collected. The party immediately stopped spending their coins but nothing happened. After a bad draw from the Deck of Many Things, the wizard was cursed with literal bark skin and then caught fire, over double the max HP and the wizard died. I had purposefully been narrating the scene every time they finished a long rest with some sort of semi memorable description such as “you awaken to the smell of coffee and see a bluebird land on your pack”, and this time the wizard player was told that as everything went black, he had a choice. Yes or no. He said yes, and his pocket got lighter by five coins, as he opened his eyes to find himself smelling coffee and seeing a blue bird land on his pack. He got to fast forward through the day until the fight, and was able to avoid being burned this time. They were thrilled and tried hard to always keep at least five coins on them at all times. One player though collected 12, and as the dozenth coin hit his pouch he had a choice of yes or no. He chose yes and his pouch emptied and instead he felt a Scroll of Wish in his hands. Tortles, they lost their shit. And you can too! For the low low low low cost of three eggs (or 2 if unfertilized) you can have five coins of your own! I should warn you, though I have not yet warned my players, that the coins are actually the creation of the BBEG, a chronomancer who is making sure that the party stays alive and intact for his own purposes, and the coins will do nothing against him. But don’t let a little cursed blessing get in the way here!