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Tortle Tank Submissions (Patreon)

Published:
2025-08-11 18:14:11
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

Shello, Hatchlings! The Tortles will be diving into the tank this week and we're looking for players and DMs to pitch their Homebrew rules and creations. Our eggs are twitching!

Comment with your ideas below. As always, remember to keep your pitch tight!

Thank you!

Jake

Comments

J.T.

Good morrow, Illustrious voluptuous torts, today I come to you with an exciting opportunity: We’ve all experienced the thrill of rolling that sweet Nat 20 on an attack, only to be let down by the damage dice. You’re telling me that I land a critical hit, only to still end up doing *less* damage than I would if I barely hit the enemy’s AC? That’s where this homebrew comes in. When you crit on your attack, you simply roll your extra crit dice and max the initial damage. This makes a critical hit *feel* like a critical hit, and adds to the excitement of that sweet, sweet Nat 20. Of course the enemies in your campaign will also benefit from this, it’s only fair. I offer 100% ownership of this incredible homebrew for a measly 18% royalty, in perpetuity, to be paid in eggs (wet or dry)

Quinn Killian

Hello Tortles, I am here today to introduce not a special game mechanic or specific item but an adorable vehicle for DMs to give their players needed/useful items on the go. Presenting the mysterious cat vendor cart! This cart is a tiny traveling cart manned by an ordinary cat wearing a tiny pointed hat and an adorably small cape. The cat is not awakened or particularly intelligent by cat standards, it appears to just be a regular cat sitting behind or on a traveling cart. Why it is wearing clothes or with a traveling cart is never to be understood. The cart itself is stocked with several useful items of the DMs choosing that the adventurers may find useful. The players are magically unable to lift any of the items from the cart and the only way that they can get the items is if they coax the cat to bat the intended item of the cart. There is no specific mechanic for this, so players and the DM need to decide how to influence the cat to knock off their desired items. There is no standard location for the cat vendor cart as it just appears randomly throughout the adventure when the DM decides to include it. I leave it up to the DM’s discretion how the cat appears or behaves. Maybe it is an aloof calico, a friendly tabby or just an eepy black kitten, you decide! All I request is that the cat’s origins remain mysterious, the cat is impervious to any and all forms of damage/magic and that the cat is unable to be persuaded to leave their cart behind to join a party. I offer this idea for free to all DMs and I am just using my appearance in the ever popular and slippery Tank to spread the word of these feline franchises. I’m sorry Tortles, my very litigious and fluffy cat lawyer has already trademarked, copyrighted and patented the idea so no hostile take overs can take place (looking at you Lake Turt-witz). All I ask is you consider donating some eggs to local small-business cats so that they can get their traveling carts rolling.   p.s I am also open to any suggestions or tweaks that the lovely and semi-aquatic Tortles have to better these carts.

xatlern

Shello Tortles, my proposition is for a new kind of Metamagic for Sorcerers (or anyone who takes the Metamagic Adept feat) called "Share Spell." Much like Distant Spell allows a player to cast a spell with a range of Touch at a distance of 30 ft in exchange for a sorcery point, a player could use Share Spell to cast any spell with a range of Self on another character. This would allow a Sorcerer to cast spells such as Shield or Disguise Self on their allies without breaking the balance of spells that are intentionally a certain spell level. In the spirit of sharing, all I'm asking for is one egg that you will co-parent with me. Thank you for your time.

Null

Tortles. I bring to you the Coins of Benevolent Will. I purchased a bunch of metal coins IRL that I keep in a pouch, not telling my players anything about them. The first time one of the Players did something cool, I told the player that they looked down and saw a glimmer of metal and that they could pick it up and hold onto it IRL. They were told that the coins were a sort of “Inspiration point” that they could spend to reroll one die. The party loved them, and were spending as fast as they got them. Whenever they asked an NPC about the coins, no one else had ever seen anything like this. After a bad draw from the Deck of Many Things, the wizard was cursed with literal bark skin and then caught fire, over double the max HP and the wizard died. I had purposefully been narrating a scene every time the Party finished a long rest with some sort of semi memorable description such as “you awaken to the smell of coffee and see a bluebird land on your pack”, and this time the wizard player was told that as everything went black, he had a choice. Yes or no. He said yes, and his pocket got lighter by five coins, as he opened his eyes to find himself smelling coffee and seeing a blue bird land on his pack. He got to fast forward through the day until the fight, and was able to avoid being burned this time. They were thrilled and tried hard to always keep at least five coins on them at all times. One player though collected 12, and as the dozenth coin hit his pouch he had a choice of yes or no. He chose yes and his pouch emptied and instead he felt a Scroll of Wish in his hands. Tortles, they lost their shit. And you can too! For the low low low low cost of three eggs (or 2 if unfertilized) you can have five coins of your own! I should warn you, though I have not yet warned my players, that the coins are actually the creation of the BBEG, a chronomancer who is making sure that the party stays alive and intact for his own purposes, and the coins will do nothing against him. But don’t let a little cursed blessing get in the way here!

Randy

Howdily doodily tortlerinos! I present for your consideration: Double down crits Whenever you crit on an attack you may double down and flip a coin/ roll a dice. If you call it right or roll above a 10 you triple damage/ or triple the dice depending on how you use crits. On a failed double down, you still do the extra damage like in a crit but gain a level of exhaustion due to over exerting on the perceived opening. On a natural 20 you deal quadruple damage and a nat one locks you out of doubling down till you take a long rest For this I ask for no eggs but a sincere compliment from each Tortle to their fellow Tortles present, and Murph getting a switch 2.

Mathieu Grangé

My dear Tortles, dive into the tank with me as I present to you the Frame of Veiling. This simple wooden frame, measuring 3 feet by 6 feet, holds a finely crafted canvas. When activated, any creature standing behind the frame, as well as the frame itself, become invisible. The frame remains transparent from one side, allowing the user to see what lies behind it as if they were gazing through a window. Once activated, the effect lasts for 1 hour. After the hour expires, the frame displays the last image that passed through it before it deactivates, showing it vividly on the canvas until the next use. The frame can be used once per long rest. The frame has an AC of 11 and 5 hit points. When reduced to 0, the magic immediately ceases. Now, dear Tortles, I am no smeggler (egg smuggler). Therefore, for this magical frame, I will give you 90% of the profit if you take me to brunch and treat me to some eggs benedict.

ThatDude

So i've had an idea for an encounter, in which an enemy would have to go around different segments of a battle area to collect 4 or 5 different elements that would empower them. The player's job is to prevent this monster from collecting all of the elements or fight it once it has bested them in collection of these elements. You could use some sort of elemental boss here.

ZZ Digital

Hello Tortles, i am not looking to take an egg, but a place to lay my brood, which when hatched looks extremely similar to a tortle. In exchange, i offer this: when players are able to take an ability score or feat, they may do both. In cases that the feat grants an ability increase, that is ignored. I find it allows for greater character customization, especially when players are encouraged to pick fun feats over purely practical ones. Thank you for this audience.

Connor

I present a fried egg and I ask only for some salt to season it. Have you ever succeeded a roll by a wild margin and felt a bit cheated by not being rewarded for your incredible skill? I suggest a simple addition—points of Confidence. Succeed in something you have proficiency in by five points or more and you get a point of Confidence. You may have up to three at once, they give you a d4 to any roll you have proficiency in, and you may use them after making your roll.

el_mathemagician

Greetings Tortles! I bring before you the Crit-Combo system! One of the things I felt was missing from the game of Dungeons and Dragons, was combat synergy amongst the team. In order to have more of a team-attack feeling, I developed the Crit-Combo system. The Crit-Combo System: When you land a critical hit, you will now have the option to start a c-c-c-combo! When you crit on an attack, you can now opt to trigger a combo. As a reaction, the next player in initiative will be able to use their reaction to move up to half their speed and attack the original target. This next attack will be made with advantage. The dc for a crit will also be lowered by 1. If the next player also crits, that will trigger a combo to the next player in initiative as well, lowering the threshold for a critical again by 1. This can continue until the combo reaches the player who originally attacked, then the combo ends. Ex: The barbarian uses his reckless attack and rolls a natural 20! He chooses to trigger a combo, he rolls his damage and then it is the champion fighter’s turn in the combo since she is next in initiative. The fighter can now crit if she rolls an 18, 19, or a 20, since she is a champion. This continues until a character misses or the final player hits. I am seeking an investment of your doughiest egg in return for 3.14% of the pi.

Magus Kunari, only knows fireball and jaegerbomb

Shellohm tortalinis. Have you ever wondered why a druid who connects with nature tends to fail on nature checks? Or a cleric or paladin failing their religion. Maybe that +3 would've been better than that +0 or +1 from their intelligence stat. I propose to you, the spellcasting replacement. All this would do is allow a druid or ranger to add their wisdom to nature, a cleric their wisdom to religion, and a paladin their charisma to religion as well. Shouldn't it make sense that the one thing you devote your entire life to, that you would know them well? This would also make you want to take proficiency in these skills as you get better results from them, getting a +5 rather than a +2 or +3 in early levels. This has always bothered me and has actually become common at the tables I run, and has been met with much appreciation and better results story narrative wise. All that I ask if for one really really big egg, and the smallest egg ever produced so I can make them my goons in the egg mafia. Cause to make a good pasta, you gotta crack a few eggs. Or however that saying goes

Contender in the making

Hello my tortles! I am here today offering you the " curse of the two crew" a real life mechanic where any time you roll a die, play a card or really just see anything that has to do with a 2 you say " shout out to the 2 crew " Your friends wont get it Your family will be confused And your wife will roll her eyes yet again Because what's funnier to a room than a joke only you get. I would like to recieve 2 eggs and the comfort of knowing im not alone. In return you get the satisfaction of knowing you live rent free in the minds of thousands. Thank you.

Jamjam

‘Sup, cowards! I offer you the chance to fully explore your opportunistic, cowardly and shitty sides by taking the cowardly feat: Cowardly: You can choose to take disadvantage on your initiative roll to then make your first attack with advantage, provided you haven’t been hit or targeted before your turn. (the idea is that you would intentionally hang back and let your party members take the hits for you, you bastard)

Brett Daffron

Evening turts. I was listening to the second owl bear cave episode and I thought of a solution to the supposed nat 20 inititive problem. On a nat 20 initiative the player gets a premonition of the opponents first turn, alah RDJ Sherlockholms style. Essentially they get a play by play of what the first turn would be for the enemy and can prepare or react accordingly. The fighter can see the oncoming dragons breath and move to draw the aoe off of his adventuring party. The wizard can ready a reaction to counter that pesky first round debuff spell. This keeps the sacred balance of action economy while giving that slight sweet twang to the nat 20 that Murphs ungrateful players crave. I request 1 billion and a half eggs as well as a one shot DM'd by Emily where Murph plays his animorph oc, Caldwell plays his Digimon oc, and Jake plays his high-school self grounded from going to his girlfriends birthday.

Helene A

Submitting on behalf of my DM: Dear Thrifty Tortles Do you love the excitement of rolling dice? Are you tired of seeing a player roll a 12 Charisma bard, while your paladin has nothing below a 14? I bring you: Drafting for rolled stats. Each player rolls 4d6 (drop the lowest) six times, or whatever your preferred method is. The totals are added to a pool of stats, which is then divided among all the players, either through a snake draft, or by discussion. This method not only functions as a healthy teambuilding exercise, as the players discuss their characters mechanically, but also helps make sure everyone is on an even field stat-wise. This has been market tested in my groups, and is an overwhelming success. I need 18d6 eggs help fund the distribution of this idea.

MyrMonkshood

Shello tortle titans! Come hogliday season, are you ever struggling to find the perfect gift for the bards in your life? Today I present to you the Bardic Amplifier. On the tables in front of you, you should find this arcano-tech wonder for you to demo along with some complimentary earplugs. When plugged into their instrument, your bard may roll 1d4 every day to find out how many of their bardic inspiration rolls are super charged to the next level. 1d6 inspo becomes 1d8, and so on. This can be especially exciting for your low level musical friends. All I'm asking for is 200,000 Eggs for a 15% stake in this product and maybe Emily helps my bagpipes playing bard character cut a record deal.

PlausiblyPJ

Greetings wise Tortle Jake and fellow noble Tortles of the tank! I come before you with a magic item that is surely worthy of your most valuable eggs! I PRESENT TO YOU! The Ring of Whiplash! This ring fits tight on the owner's finger, similar to an elastic band. Once attuned to the item, the user has 3 charges the replenish every long rest. They can use a charge to target a creature within 60ft, either willing or unwilling that they can see and have a clear path to, forcing them to make a DC 15 Str saving throw. On a failed save, the caster and the target are propelled as if fired out of a sling shot, skidding across the ground and swapping locations with each other. But buckle up Tortles, this is where it gets fun! Whether the creature is willing or unwilling, the saving throw is still required because on a Nat 1, the target gets yeeted 30ft past the casters original position, falls prone and takes falling damage if hitting a solid structure within that 30ft. Imagine position yourself on a cliff or up against a wall and your enemy Nat1s on the save, taking 30ft of falling damage or being tossed like a rag doll to their doom! Or the panic of seeing your friend tossed 30ft past where you wanted them to be, giving up the strategic position you were setting up! Either way, you get to enjoy the visual of skidding like a stone on water, flipping off the enemy or high fiving a friend as you pass! I am willing to offer FULL RIGHTS to this item for the reasonable price of 50,000 of your finest eggs and a free meal at a little place, called Monjas, thank you!

Valens

Good day, Tortles. I bring to you today... Chaos. I expect no investors in my product, but instead stand before you simply to have my voice heard by my fellow DMs that want revenge. Revenge for the shenanigans and buffoonery our PCs have put us through. But now it is our time. What I propose is a 10% chance than any inanimate object is a mimic. Not a fully stated out mimic, simply a small annoyance that will deal a single piercing damage as it bites your PCs and runs away. Will you as the DM be rolling constantly to see if an object is a mimic? Yes. Will your PCs immediately get tired of this? Also yes. But do you care? Maybe. If any of the Tortles wishes to buy into my pitch, all I ask is for a single egg that has a 10% chance of being a mimic. If there are no investors, then I simply hope my words have caused a table of PCs somewhere to sigh in frustration as they are once again bit by a mimic. Thank you for your time.

Noah Steele

Hey torts! Have you ever had a campaign with quite a bit of downtime? Have your players wanted to do things that frankly aren’t in the rules with that downtime? Well let me introduce you to a cumulative DC. A cumulative DC is essentially a super high DC for a check to do during downtime. They can roll every day or every week or whatever you think is fair and mark down their rolls. They add up the rolls until they meet that dc at which point they succeed! For example if they want to build a ship maybe it’s a dc 100 carpenters tools check which they can roll over the span of several weeks adding the checks together as they go. For this idea I would request at least 5 very nice eggs for 1% of my homebrew

JesterTheCleric

Hey there tortles! A couple episodes ago, you invited me to join a thinktank to churn out new ceremony rites. My egg salary has been quite generous, and I am here to provide you with two of my latest and greatest ceremony rites. These, unlike my birthday rite, have not been playtested, so proceed at your own risk! Thanksgiving Rite The material component is everyone joining in on the celebrations bringing their own dish. The verbal component is a Hot Take™ you have for people to argue about. Please no politics though. Starting when guests sit down for the meal, all participants gain a d4 bonus to all constitution checks and saving throws. Everyone does get really sleepy though, so try not to partake of this rite immediately before doing something important, or you might just nap right on through it. Baby Naming Rite The somatic component is holding the baby. That's it. It’s a cute baby. What, did you want to splash it with water? That's just gonna make it cry. Let it nap, the parents need all the silence they can get. Anyways, upon completion of the rite, the baby's True Name is set in stone (unless it gets changed by a different rite). In addition, for the first 3 months of the baby's life, they stay asleep just a little bit easier. This is less of a big deal for the baby than it is for the parents, so it's worth the hassle to do the rite rather than just sign some papers. You do have to sign some papers for this but trust me it's worth it.

MellE

Hey turtis's, I really like coming up with homebrew spells. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Here's one for you: Magic Gatling Gun 3rd Level Evocation Casting Time: 1 Action Range: 120 feet Components: V, S Duration: Instantaneous Roll a d6 repeatedly until you get a 1, totaling up the number of times you roll the dice. You fire that many magic missiles as if you had cast the spell magic missile. If ever you roll the highest number on the dice you're rolling to determine the number of magic missiles that counts as 2 missiles. At higher levels: the dice you roll to determine number of missiles increases. D8 at 5th level, d10 at 7th level, d12 at 8th level, d20 at 9th level. Spell Lists: Sorcerer, Wizard I'm willing to grant usage rights to any pcs or npcs on naddpod in exchange for a monthly delivery of 72 eggs. My mom really loves eggs.

Jamjam

I would like your most wretched and cowardly egg each and a tale of cowardice from at least one of you 😉

Chazz

Tortles I am seeking an investment of 500 eggs, for 51% of my 8-bit book club inspired homebrew. I present “Choose your own adventure random encounters”. Are you tired of rolling for random encounters and just fighting highwaymen or wolves? Well let me introduce homebrew encounters time tested and inspired by Pick Your Path Adventures and Give Yourself Goosebumps. Whenever I have a fun (or just stupid) idea for a story or a quest or NPC but can’t tie it into the main story I add it to my list of random encounters. I will then give that random encounter an ominous name, “The Last of the Giants”, “Stand and Deliver” or “Ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball”. When it's time for my PCs to roll a random encounter, each player rolls a die (you may adjust the number of die rolls based on how many players you have/ how many encounters you have prepped.) I then read them only the name of the encounters they rolled and they pick which one they want to do. This makes random encounters feel more meaningful since players get to make a choice and many of my campaign's best moments have been from this homebrew, with some of the events and npcs going on to play major parts of the game’s main story.

Randy

Good day to you Tortollinis and forgive my overly familiar greetings. I present for your consideration Overexertion Thus mechanic would allow a character to use an ability or spell they have already used their allotted charges for (ie: fighters second wind of action surge, Druid's wild shape, wizards fireball) but in going beyond ( plus ultra) you gain levels of exhaustion. These levels are based on the spell level of the level at which the character unlocks their ability, which locks out any ability/ beyond level 6. The effect takes place at the end of the players turn as to not effect their current action. Example in a dire situation a wizard may cast chain lightning saving the day but dies of exhaustion after calling down the powerful spell. Dm discretion if they can access abilities above their current level but I would advise against that. For this I ask for your precious egg given to the tortle to your left along with a sincere compliment about them, and about I do accept Venmo tips @randy-tapley-1 (feel free to leave the Venmo thing out if you want) Thank you Tortles

Steve Graham

Good evening Tortles, my offering to the tank is a simple way to get your players to stop holding onto all of their spells when you're trying to soften them up a bit in their journey. It is a spell or legendary action - I'm hoping a partnership comes with creative input - tentatively titled Mana Sickness. When cast, the target will take 1 damage per level of unused spell slots above level 1 every turn until the caster is killed or they are healed with a Greater Restoration. What does this mean? Well, that level 6 wizard who has been sitting on all of their higher level spells has 3 level 2 slots and 3 level 3 slots. So each turn they would take 15 damage (3x2+3x3). The party can either rush trying to kill the caster, or the wizard can start easing the symptoms by blowing through some big spells. Either way, it kind of kick starts the action when things are lagging. In exchange for this idea, all I am asking is 1 egg per unused tank. Looking forward to our fruitful partnership. Steve

Maxwell Patton

Hey, Tortles. Here is my pitch to you! Would you like a way to fast travel between planes that doesn’t require magic spells or portals but said some delicious food and a magical plant? May I present to you: Harmonic Haze! Originally growing in the music-infused Melodic Plane, this herb, when infused with alcohol, can transport the consumer to any plane they wish to go to. Though it’s not without restriction! Roll a six sided die, and if you don’t roll a one, your desire will be fulfilled. If consumed unwillingly, the user must make a charisma saving throw DC 16 or be transported to a random plane. The food or drink stayed with the user until it is fully consumed. All I ask is for three eggs and one pan-seared steak with a red wine sauce. What do you say, tortles? Let’s make some magic!

Sean

Are you a wizard that sometimes wants to be a warrior ? Well I have the staff for you, Tensor's Staff holds 6 charges of up to 3 cantrips of your choice (does not have to be from your class list) but when you push a hidden button you draw out a sword that has a bonus equal t have the number of your charges rounded down. The bonus lasts for 10 minutes and after that it is just an ordinary sword with all charges spent. Regain 1d4 charges +1 charges every dawn. All I ask is a single egg and an invitation to the tort's holiday party

Nicolas Bell

Hey kiddos, my idea is something that would make the game a lot less enjoyable and I will sell it to you for half an egg. It doesn’t even have to be a tortle egg, heck I’d settle for a quail egg. You know the how weapons break quickly in Breath of the Wild? Well, what if we included it in D&D? My proposal is this: implement a weapon breakage system into combat. It will work similarly to wild magic surges. That is, on the first time a weapon makes contact for an attack, the player has to roll a D20. The weapon breaks if a natural 1 is rolled. For every subsequent attack, the likelihood of breaking increases - the second attack, a weapon breaks at a 1 or a 2, the third, a 1-3, etc. This will not only make the game less enjoyable, but it will make your players be way too into loot! So, tortles, will anyone take pity on me and give me a pittance for this idea?

Liam Sexton

Raise some shell Tortles, I bring before you a simple & humble item. The Glasses of Mustache. These glasses are enchanted to create a very large and obviously fake mustache on any creature who wears them. The mustache is so large and obnoxious that any creature who looks at the wearer can only remember the mustache when trying to recall facial features. Perfect for your rogues & thieves of the party who might want to avoid appearing in a police sketch. I am asking for a humble investment for such a humble invention. You can have all the rights to production, sale and merchandise in exchange for all of you wearing a large obnoxious fake mustache for 1 week straight. Thank you for your time.

Hunter

Shello magnanimous Tortles. I come to you today to present to you a magic item geared towards redirecting or neutralizing antagonistic beasts in a non-lethal, human, and arguably charming manner; Rugle’s Red Ball. A rubber ball cursed with the spirit of a blink dog, this magic item can be thrown up to 60 feet in any direction. Beasts of both casual and magical origin within 10 feet of the thrower must pass a DC15 charisma save or otherwise be compelled to chase after it until they can retrieve it. The compulsion ends once the creature reaches the ball. As a bonus action, the player can recall Rugle’s ball to their person, though this also breaks the compulsion early.

Mica K

(Flirtily) Heyy Tortles, and anyone else who may be in the tank! I have a pitch, it's simple, it's elegant. Spell: Short Rest (5th level evocation) Range: 10 ft radius sphere Components: V, S, M (a sachet of tea leaves) Casting Time: Ten Minutes You and any number of creatures in the sphere experience a nice break while enjoying tea and biscuits at a spectral table. Creatures within the sphere for the whole duration gain the effects of a short rest. If you like it, I'd like to ask to co-parent (respectfully, I'd hope) a bundle of eggs. Mwah!

Bagofchips123

To the moistest tortles, if you ever need an amazing pop idol to graze your world, I present Cabrina Serpenter. She is a gorgeous Gorgon with snake hair that also wishes to say please please please to performing in your world! If you need an arc to just hang at feychella, she will be there to perform her Tall and Tart album hits like Caffeine, Aarakockra Feather, Taste (of venom), and Read your thoughts. She has fun spells like stoneskin, acid splash, flesh to stone, stone wall, feather fall, charm person, and ottos irresistible dance so she can protect the party when she needs, or make npcs want to have a great time! I hope this was funny, yall are absolute mvps, stay jazzy!

NADDPOD fan and barmitvah'd man, it's Dave O

To the totally tubular turts, I present to you a great idea that is sure to spice up any game of DnD. Many times there are rolls left to luck, some DM's say choose high or low or may have you hit a natural 20 to succeed. Instead of leaving it to the dice to decide, why not leave it to your taste buds. When a player attempts to do something that would truly be miraculous for them to achieve, offer 10 identical pieces of chocolate. Within 9, a nice ripe haberno pepper, and within 1, some lovely caramel. The player can choose to brave this gauntlet, giving them a 1 in 10 chance to succeed, but more then likely to suffer some solid heat. I'm looking for early investors, and I am willing to offer 47% of my idea for 3 petrified eggs so I can go oopa Daenerys Targaryen style and hatch three new dragon tutles OR a mold casting of Caldwell's Cloaca. Thank you for your time.

Dave 3D Art

Greetings my Tanktastic four, I come here to submit Gourdon, the magnificent pumpkin. This magic item is a talking, awakened pumpkin. It gives bad advice, and when smashed causes a roll on the wild magic table. Luckily there are thousands of Gourdons, and each only cost 5GP. For a yearly license on Gourdon seeds, it will only cost you $3,000 GP.

Thomas M. Pflanz

Shello, you stunning Tortles! Spellcasters, how does it feel to have your big spell neutralized by a Legendary Resistance? Fighters, how does it feel to only be able to offer a conciliatory "well, at least you burned one of their resistances"? DMs, how does it feel to only be able to block your spellcasters, but be open to crit after crit from your melee PCs? Introducing, Legendary Deflections! These work like Legendary Resistances, automatically letting the creature succeed on thewir saving throw, however they can also be used to turn any hit into a miss! A hit from one particular creature/character can only be blocked one per round (so you can't block ALL of your Paladin's attacks). To compensate for the increased rate of burning the resistances, you adjust an existing creature by increasing its Legendary Resistance total by around two times (3 Resistances = 5 or 6 Deflections, 5 Resistances = 8-10 Deflections). I am asking for three-ish eggs for a 68.78% stake in my idea. Thank you for your time.

Bryce Jackson

Hello turtles of varying wetness. Im presenting the adrenaline spike. My team and I feel as though sometimes you need to risk it all to beat the bbeg. For that I have designed an adrenaline spike potion, its not meant to be used in day to day adventures, this is for dire situations. The spike gives you a long rest instantly but you must immediately make a luck check to see if your body can handle the stress. The check increases by 2 each use starting at 1. No modifiers all luck. This item should be given very sparingly. In 2 years my party has found 4 of them and every use they have exhausted all other options first before remembering to use it. I ask for no eggs and am willing to give 99% of the business to any turtle willing to hang out for the day

Jacob Hall

Dear wise and wizened tortles, for the low low cost of a 49% share in Headgum or 3 eggs, I present to you: the ball of flesh. A magic item as straightforward as it is versatile, this fist sized ball of flesh will turn any matter in a one foot radius into flesh over the course of 10 minutes. Whether a universal lockpick for a patient rogue or infinite rations for the desperate adventure, the possibilities are only limited by player imagination. This item is tested across several campaigns, and it has always been a hit.

Henri

Shellutations, Honourable tortles, I present to you The Improved Help Action. Out of combat the help action is a great way to engage with other players decisions and encourages more involved role play. But that all disappears when used in combat, as you have to either meta game with the other players and plan out all your moves in advance or risk throwing your action away on a player who might not need the help after all. But that can be fixed with this minor tweak; When a player is taking their action, other players who are after them in initiative order can use their reaction to help said player with whatever they’re doing, as long as they can give a reasonable/creative enough description of how they’re helping out. This will burn the helping players action and reaction, so come their turn they have their movement and bonus action left. For this brilliant idea I ask only for five of your roundest eggs, yes I need them to be as round as possible, do not ask why.

Shawn Haymaker

Tortles, I present to you: evenly distributed summons. A familiar or a find steed is fine but once people start summoning 4+ creatures it bogs combat to a halt and essentially gives one player 5 turns and makes everyone wait even longer for their turn to come around (and players only care about their own turns). I used to just ban summons all together, but I was never fully satisfied with that solution. Certain subclasses like a shepherd druid or even fantasy classics like the necromancer are built around summoning. So I have a simple and elegant solution: you distribute the summons across the party so that everyone gets extra turns instead of just one player getting one massive turn. If you have a party of 4 and the necromancer summons 4 zombies, each player will control one zombie on their turn. If the necromancer summons 8, then each player will control 2 on their turn etc. I am seeking one scotch egg for this perfect solution to the summoner slog.

Rainemaker

Hey hey, my turts and jonk. Simple idea today. Concentration checks on flying. I personally believe that if I was a birdwoman of some sort and I was shot in the chest with a longbow, it would be hard to keep flapping my wings at the consistent rate needed to stay aloft. To keep it simple, I've been using the same rules that spell concentration uses. Half the damage (or 10) as DC. Fail the check and you fall. It adds more risk and reward to aerial combat! Now your aarakocra druid needs to wonder if the risk of safety is worth the risk of an errant shot leading to falling damage. It, if course goes both ways, too, giving ranged characters even more of a niche, taking down flying targets for extra chunks of damage! My players absolutely hate this rule until they get to use it on me. Which is perfect because I don't need to feel bad about using winged foes anymore. For this idea, if love a baker's dozen of eggs. Just enough to not fit in a container and to leave me with one awkward ass egg in my hand. And you can have this one for free: a winged humanoid needs five feet on either side of their body to fly. No. You can it flap your wings in this tight ass corridor to keep your feet off the ground.

Jorge Fuentes

Hello Tortles! I come to you today with some special drank I have brewed at home just for yall! Spell Slot Recovery Potions: These are potions that, like the tin says, recover your spell slots. The way that they work is that you roll 1d4 and recover that many spell slots of a certain level There are three levels of recovery, lesser, standard, and greater. Lesser will only recover first level spells, standard will recover second level spells, and greater recovers third level spells, you can recover spells of a lower level with greater and standard potions if you’re just missing like one second or third level spell slot. The drawback about these potions is what is commonly known as “potion sickness” the first drink of a potion is fine, drinking a second one requires a DC 20 con save to avoid being under the effects of the poison condition until the next short rest* (note that this ISN’T the poison condition so immunities to and resistance against poison will not apply) As you keep drinking these poisons the DC will increase by 5, so while it is possible to recover all your lower level spells it’ll be highly unlikely. I’m looking for three eggs glowing with arcane potential so I may display them on my shelf like a trophy *This can be changed for an hour duration or whatever the DM finds to be the best suited amount of time spent under the condition, I personally used an hour for my game

Jake de Medeiros

Shello Tortles! Prepare to be blown out of the pond by my incredible plan to introduce various bicycles to 5e. Torts, face the facts. Modern D&D is absolutely full of parties who either have bags of holding or just don’t care that much about inventory management, so there’s really no reason to slowly tramp through your adventures with a smelly old pack donkey, or expensive “horses” that need to be fed hay and water at every inn. For 500 eggs, I’d love to introduce a bike shop to all of your D&D townships and cities, manned by an NPC “bike seller” that both sells and repairs bikes. There are two kinds of bikes- The Mountain Bike- this bike doubles your movement and turns difficult terrain into normal terrain The Road Bike- this bike triples your movement, but can only be used on easy terrain If attacked while on a bike, players must make a dex saving throw or take 3 d10 damage (or only 1 d10 if wearing a helmet) I love cycling, and I’m hoping that this idea is the spark that turns into very profitable worldwide phenomenon of fantasy cycling.

Ben

Hello Tortortles! (I turn on my projector, as my item is not physical) https://docs.google.com/document/d/18kohlEVCti5gzNHACuk04VvP1Kw2-BxcDiM4siksLBI/edit?usp=drivesdk Here I have a *necromantic wild magic table*- Imagine- if you will- a powerful wizard, cleric, or druid, of the necromantic variety being subject to the power magics of undeath. I present to you potential consequences for playing GOD. Im offering this idea to you in its entirety, but I receive 20% from all sales each quarter in the form of however many eggs that 20% has buying power for. (We can negotiate bc some of those wild magic options might be customized to the character I made the table for)

Thom van Tijn

Hello most Esteemed and savvy Torts, Have you gotten bored with the traditional Initiative System? Is Dexterity OP? Then I have the solution you've been desperately yearning for! Introducing Popcorn Initiative! You still roll to see who goes first, but instead of using everyone else's initiative roll to determine the order, the first person chooses who goes next and so on until you get to the end and the last person chooses who'll go first next round. This adds a new layer of strategy to the game, and gives players and npcs the freedom to set up new and interesting combos that might not have worked previously. All I ask for this concept is one whiskey sour with Tortle egg egg whites.

Nicholas Butcher

Good afternoon, Tortles. I’m here today to help alleviate what I’ve noticed is one of the biggest annoyances in the game. In my years of experience as both a DM and a player, there is nothing as disproportionately mood-souring than being stunned. It completely takes a player out of the game for a significant amount of time, and rolling to get out of it isn’t even exciting because you aren’t rolling to save your turn, you’re rolling to save your next turn (which could be half an hour or more away). I’ve seen the most excited and creative players become despondent, because one failed save took them completely out of the game for a quarter of the battle. My pitch is a slight nerf to the Stunned condition. Players now roll their saving throw at the beginning of their turn, and on the turn they succeed they are Slow as if affected by the 3rd level spell for the duration of their turn. This keeps stuns powerful, but makes the saving throw on their turn matter more in the moment since they are rolling to have half a turn now instead of rolling to get back in the game next round. I’m asking for one decent egg for 100% of this idea. I just want players to have fun, and no mechanic in the game spoils players’ fun quite like the being stunned.

John Bakker

Yortle all you tortles. Ever asked the question: can you milk a druid? Can a wild shaped chicken lay an egg? A Snake be harvested for venom? What happens when the druid shifts back and forth, do they "replenish" as it were? Why have the wizards of the coast denied our players the ability to suckle from their druids shape shifting teets? Well no longer. I propose a set of consistent rules for harvesting the natural biproducts of consenting druid characters! Once per long rest, harvesting players roll animal handling to safely retrieve the venom/milk/eggs above a ten succeeds and the druid produces 1d4+con units of the desired biproduct. I suspect there may be ways for players to break this and to solve this I have a separate pitch torts: don't let them. I am ready and willing to open this abhorrent druid dairy farm for you and give all profits to the tank, I'm just in it for the game. But I need breakfasts so a single egg every morning with toast should suffice.

Canadian Schubert the Mushroom 🍄

To the most esteemed Tortles and Jake I guess if I must. I bring to you the Fishing Rod. This was a weapon my DM and I made for my Fisherman Ranger, Flip, and his octopus familiar Floop. Based on the Whip weapon, its range is 10 ft, but unlike the whip, it does piercing damage, and upon hitting you can use your bonus action to do a contested strength check to pull the target 5 feet closer to you as you reel them in. It may be a niche market, but fishing jobs are badass and make tons of money I think. Therefore, I'm asking for 100 Faberge eggs. I was really into them as a kid.

Benwahah

Dear tortles. Do you ever feel like. Theres a roll that you need to succeed or the evil people need to fail. Or even you want to do something narratively, but dice christ failed you. With this rule. He does not fail you. He is testing you. I introduce the personal potent roll or i call it the PPR Every session each player and the dm get to roll one d20. The number you get. Is a roll you can change at any time to your own number. If you roll high you can make yourself succeed. If you roll low, you can make them fail. The dm also gets a roll and they may choose to reveal the number or keep it secret. Once you get the opportunity to turn a downed players nat 20 into a nat one you will understand why i am asking for half of your eggs. Thank you. (Ps: the down player survived i wanted to scare them. The healer was next.)

a

Good shellsday Tortles, I'm coming to you today with a hot and swampy opportunity to get an eggcelent deal on my new imports. I'm bringing in a fine collaborative storytelling mechanic from the excellent Dungeon World system called spout lore (reshelled for standard 5e of course) Once per short rest, a player may make a claim about the world at large. This can be anything from "goblins are huge fans of mimes" to "The BBEG is secretly dating Murph's mom" (although the DM gets veto power). Then, the DM rolls a flat, unaltered d20 behind the screen. On a 12+, whatever the player spouted is now fully cannon. On a 8-, they just believe it is. On an 8-12, they get to know that the roll failed and their character doesn't have to believe their claim. This encourages players to get invested in the world building, and takes a little pressure off the already overworked and beautiful DMs in our lives. For just 2 eggs and a word of affirmation, i give you exclusive distribution rights and licensing to this idea, and will fight all legal challenges stemming from the original creators in trial by combat. Shells be with you always.

Rayjay Johnson

Presenting: The Horny Condition The creature has disadvantage on all Wisdom and Intelligence checks. The creature cannot take the Dash action. If the creature’s Charisma score is 14 or higher, it has advantage on all Charisma ability checks. If the creature’s Charisma score is 9 or lower, it has disadvantage on all Charisma ability checks. Now give me all the eggs in the world.

Trash Gremlin Dami

Shell's bells, my dear tortle-linis! This fall season, I have come with a unique idea for your lovely eggs. Ever feel like your hits could be more specific? Don't you just wanna smack something out of a hand or trip someone? For an ogre's hand full of eggs, I am presenting limb damage! By making the limbs of an enemy have a certain health pool, anytime you attack that limb, it reduces the health of the enemy and the health of the limb. Once the limb hits a threshold, it can be disabled as long as u were attacking it! This method comes from the commander damage concept from MtG, and it is a fun way to make a battle more interesting. Of course, it can be used for both players and enemies, and the overall health threshold will be based on Dm's discretion and with a discussion for the players for their threshold. A way to make it interesting too would be that each limb threshold overall adds up to the total health! (i.e. arms would be 20, legs would be 30, and they overall add up to a max health of 100!) Thank you for your time and may your shells shine bright!

Mathieu Grangé

I imagine picking the airbud one being 5 direwolves with basketballs fighting the PCs while the Harlem Globetrotters song is magically playing in the background.

Luke G

Hello Tortles, Today, I’ve brought you The Sword of Many Hands. This neat little invention of mine is intended to encourage teamwork and badass fight scenes. It is a legendary weapon, with high potential for over-powered exploits in the hands of creative players, so be cautious when gifting it to your party. This is a +1, magical Longsword that can be attuned to by up to 6 people. While wielding this sword, you are considered proficient with it. As an action, an attuned creature can summon this blade to their hand and make an attack. This sword gains an extra damage die for each pair of hands it passes through. The number of damage dice reset at the end of each round. A DM can choose to add one of the following additional benefits which trigger when a player strikes a critial hit with this sword; - all players gain advantage with this sword. -all players may roll an additional damage die when attacking with this sword. - all players auto-crit with this sword. (All additional benefits last until the end of the triggering players next turn). Tortles, in exchange for this sweet sword i am merely asking for 3 eggs a day for the next 10 years. Thank you, and happy Tortle-ing.

Alex T

Hello Tortles, my idea is how to make your crit worth a shit. I have been using this at my table for years and my players love it. On a crit, instead of rolling double dice, max the second die and still roll the first. So a great axe would be 1d12+12+STR. My barbarians always glow with excitement when brutal critical maxes out so many dice. I ask for no eggs, this is free to the public to make all the players glow with excitement like my table.

Joseph Cornejo

Hello Tortles, I have no fluffy writing skills like some other submissions but I have an idea what I've always wanted to see in practice. This is coming from someone who is in the middle of play their first campaign ever, Curse of Strahd btw, and has no dming/balancing experience but has consumed many hours of actual play content. That being said I've always thought it would be a fun idea damaging spells that require a saving throw to treat Nat 1s the same way that attack rolls treat nat 20s and cause double damage. I'm sure this idea is incredibly broken but it has always sounded fun to me. I'm asking for no eggs for this idea, you can have it for free I just want to hear someone take double damage from and up casted fireball because I think it would be hilarious.

Noah Steele

Yeah it can be free for you guys I’m just trying to scam some eggs from the rich torts

Tyler S Anthony

Cowabunga Turts. We know the Dice tell their story. But why don’t we help them? Once per Long Rest, give your players a Story Die (anything from a D4 to a D20, however zesty you’re feeling). They can use it to add on to any roll, at anytime. The caveat? They have to fill in something from their backstory or history that gives them this little extra nudge. Deep lore can be great, but light lore can be just as good. Give your players little chances along the way to flesh out who their characters are without 30-minute monologues. Just gimme a pizza, and we'll call it even.

Giovanni Gabriele

Shello turtles. I present the trait elixirs. In a home game ran by my husband right before the final fight we entered a chamber that had pools in it we could drink from that had the following effect: reduce 1 of a given ability to add to another. There were only three options and I forget the specifics but this could only be used a maximum of 5 times. I ended up taking five points from strength and giving it to charisma since I was a sorcerer and fought from a distance so figured it would be great going into the final fight. I ended up being able to attack more, but got fucked when I had to do strength saving throws with like -4 mod got restrained and my character ended up dying. However it was really fun and I think I suffered just consequences. In return I ask for 100 of your juiciest eggs and 1000 of your driest, by mixing them I will have 1100 perfectly moist eggs. Thank you!

Tyler Harper

Hello supreme torts! If you’re like me, you’ve made some mistakes in your life. Some big, some small, but none as massive as accidentally giving one of my players full plate mail, giving them a 21 AC as a level 3 gunslinger fighter. To remedy this, I present to you the Armor Absorbing Arquebus. As a free action on your turn, you may decrease your AC by multiples of 2, “absorbing” them into your gun (minimum AC is 10 + DEX). This gives you access to a breath weapon style attack that deals Xd6 Force damage and pushes creatures/objects 10ft back in a 15ft foot cone, where X is the amount you reduced your AC by. Creatures can do a DEX save for half. Much like a breath weapon, this recharges on a 5 or a 6 on a d6, and your AC stays reduced until you recharge. I ask for naught but your insightful commentary and your ugliest egg (i’ll take good care of it i promise (i will eat it (yummy)))

Ryan

Turts, For one really stinky egg I offer this innovative idea. A magic egg that hatches into a miniature version of whomever held the egg longest.

Lucas Na

Esteemed Tortles, we've all been waiting for a sport that works in DND and the gladiatorial arena just isn't cutting it for the 17th time. There's only one sport from our world that works: Roller Derby! Just place your party on a 100 ft track versus an equal sized team. One player is your runner. Your team wins when the runner gets around the track three times. The rest of the party is there to help them get around the track AND to stop the other team’s runner from making it around faster. Sure, your rogue or monk might get a little extra shine as the runner, but don’t those classes deserve a little extra love?? And just see how creative players get with a seemingly simple task that doesn’t require dealing damage. Hallucinatory Terrain may finally get to work, Emily!! The ONLY restrictions are that the runner can’t fly or teleport, but everything else is on the table. All I ask is for 300 eggs for full network rights and I’ll even throw in an Ezry Derby franchise as a bonus.

Lexi Schlamp

Blind death saves. Only the player rolling and the DM gets to see the results. No reactions or facial expressions allowed to give anything away. Raises the stakes. Stops cowardly behavior.

Dodeca DM

Hey Tortles, I got bad directions how to get here from a jerk bailiff, so I'm a little late. What's the No Chortles Tortle's favorite thing to crit on, that's right, initiative. Here is my pitch to make everyone else love it too. You roll a critical you get 1(one) non combat action that can't affect another character. You need to dash away from some enemies, you want that mage armor, you want to drink a potion that's what critting on initiative can give you. I only ask for one dodecahedron shaped egg so I might crit on breakfast

jared Blewett

Hello Torts, do you have a pesky aarakocra in your strahd campaign? I present the Dovecote of Souls. Step 1 kill the aarakocra, step 2 have Strahd cut off their head and put it in a messed up bird cage. Step 3 attach that weird bird cage to their shoulders. That aarakocra now only has a 5% chance to leave Barovia alive unless they steal souls and trap them in their head cage. When an enemy dies the player can use a reaction to try and trap their souls. Roll a Con save DC 14 to steal their soul which increases the chance of survival. +5% for evil souls and +20 for good souls. When leaving Barovia roll a percentile dice to see if they survive. I ask for only 1 weird shaped egg.

Michael Griffith

Dearly beloved Tortles and Tortleees. I present you a much needed upgrade to the beloved Short Rest... Hit Dice for Spell Slots Are you tired of being a squishy spellcaster, with not much hit points to begin with, which leaves your short rests essentially useless? May I present you the option, to regain small amounts of MP, in addition to your standard HP. By expending 2 Hit Dice, instead of health, you can regain 1 first level spell slot (each spell slot recharged costing double the Hit Dice). This is balanced because while casting cure wounds at first level is compared to one hit die, the versatility of a 1st level spell is worth at least 2 hit die. Not to mention, the more spells you recharge, the less Health your PC regains. At game breaking levels, at the apex, nay the zenith, the legendary lv20, the most broken thing you can do is use 2 ninth level spells a day, which is indeed disgusting (but not the craziest thing imo), HOWEVER; to ensure fair play, an optional rule can be to max Spell Slot recovery to the level equal to your PB. Dear Tortlettes and Tortlooz, I present the Spell Recovering variation to the Short Rest, and all I ask, is specifically one CR 8 Tortle (or Dragon Turtle) Egg. May it please the Court, Dice Christ, and the honorable Tortle Lord

Michael K

Hello Tortles, I bring to you an idea stolen from the long ago years of 4th edition. Turn delaying. It is an action you can take on your turn which permanently delays your turn until after one of your allies. Great for those of you out there who panic at the prospect of making the first move in combat, or anyone who would like to "wait and see" what the enemies do before acting. Once you delay, your place in initiative is moved after your chosen ally for the rest of combat. Some differences between this and preparing an action: - Readying takes a full action to prepare a single action, but can only be used to set up an action as an reaction. Delaying, instead, allows you to take all of your movement, actions, and bonus actions later in the round. - Delaying gives up your whole turn to gain a whole turn somewhere else in the combat. You can't do anything else when you decide to delay, but you get all of your actions when you get back to your turn. You can't re-enter as a reaction like readying, only at the end of another creature's turn. - Your ongoing effects that end "on your turn" end on the turn when you chose to delay, so no keeping effects going for longer by choosing to delay your turn. I give you this entirely plagiarized idea for the low price of 4 eggs for 100% ownership. I want to be far gone by the time the lawsuits come in.

Cas Marie

Hello tortles, I’ve got a magic item! Tired of your experienced players knowing monster stat blocks, but that knowledge doesn’t make sense in-game? Or, are your new players just not grasping that the fire elemental is resistant to fire damage? Let me introduce Lady Boterbean’s Bestiary. Out of combat, this magical tome has information on any monster your party may face, at the dms discretion of course. Potentially giving your players an edge if they know they are facing a certain monster. Or in combat, a player can take a full turn (action, bonus action, and movement) to look up the creature in the bestiary and learn the monsters damage resistances/immunities/vulnerabilities and the creatures highest and lowest stat. For this artifact of lost knowledge I humbly request your most monstrous egg. May your tank water be filtered and your eggs continually moist.

Keith Simmons

Hey torts! For only 7.5 slimy cloaca pearls you can have all of this not slimy idea. It's something I've seen used in other systems and I maybe can't legally sell but I'm a dirty turt. You ever feel like you have time to figure things out like search a room for loot or clues? You roll a three and you get nothing, not even the obvious? Now you can "take twenty" or "take ten". Basically if you have the time (decided by the dm) you can auto roll a ten or twenty on your die and add the appropriate modifiers. Taking twenty isn't an auto crit, but represents you taking time to complete a task like searching a room. You wouldn't be able to do this on all things like a history check for example unless you are in a library, but on anything that you could reasonably accomplish with time is acceptable. The dm can decide depending on the amount of time you spend whether ten or twenty is appropriate. The downside for the players is to spend time doing the task, so if you are trying to quickly search the body of a guard you can't take an auto roll. Long story long spending the time equals reasonable results. -Dirty Turt

Jack H

Hey Torts. I would like to bring forward a homebrew mechanic that makes the Shadowfell Mists outside of Ravenloft even more frightening, flavorful, and mind-warping than canon. In my Shadowfell arc, I wanted the players to feel a sense that they are truly in a different realm than the material plane. For this, I came up with: The Freethinker Extraction Environmental Detection System (or FEEDS). This is a mechanic of the outer areas of the Shadowfell where the environment is inhabited by horrific abominations that act as a hivemind with the mist itself to hunt down anybody that asks or thinks a question. The whole party must condition themselves to fully accept everything they see, The party frequently encounters horrific monsters with characteristics that defy logic (for example: an anglerfish with a screaming man’s head for its lantern OR a cloud of oozing liquid that makes the sound of a harp). Each time they see these monsters, they make a wisdom save to see if they are able to accept what they see or if their mind spirals into a barrage of questions. If they fail, they must role play a bunch of questions they have about the abomination and the abomination is immediately aware of their presence and attacks. This made their travel through the Shadowfell filled with dread and paranoia, and I do love torturing my friends. For the FEEDS mechanic, I humbly request five oddly shaped eggs.

HaysForHorses

Tanks for tanking the time to hear me out, oh Snappy Tortles. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a heist with multiple invisible party members, only to realize that you cannot see what any of them are doing? Heck, you can’t even speak or risk arousing the slumbering guard! If so, then I have the perfect idea for you: Planes of Invisibility. I posit that if your handy wizard decides to upcast Invisibility to target multiple party members, those players should be able to see each other, as they are all put into the “plane of invisibility” by the same source of magic (the wizard). If Hermoine, Harry, and Ron can see each other while hiding under the Vanishing Cloak, then why shouldn’t an upcasted Invisibility spell work the same way? And, since Greater Invisibility can’t be upcast, it does not present a totally gamebreaking precedent, which should titillate even the toughest-shelled tortles. I’m only asking for 5 quality eggs in exchange for 8% equity and a potential royalty negotiation as long as the tortles do not restructure and buy me out. Tank you.

Sam Ross

To the Tireless Tortles, I bring to you a houserule I have used in my games to great effect, both to shine light on an underused mechanic, and to lessen my general DM overhead: Inspired Bribery. Dungeon Masters have long been expected to provide everything for their party, from scheduling, to food, to rules assistance, not to mention crafting and running a story. It's too much, and frankly much of the logistical overhead can (and should) be managed by the players at the table. Enter, Inspired Bribery, wherein anytime a player lifts the load from the DM, instant Inspiration Point. Make the process nakedly transactional, let the players bank unlimited points, and give big numbers for big deeds. A Player tracks initiative? One Inspiration per combat. A Player brings slow cooker tacos? That's 3 Inspiration. A Player gets my car oil changed? 5 Inspiration, team. Tortles, I ask for a startup fund, and for every egg remitted I will award each of you one Inspiration point for use in your home campaigns.

Travis Wright

Good Morning Tortles of wisdom and egg based wealth, I come to you with the key to unlocking more interesting combat encounters with your powerful foes. The one tool to interrupt the monotony of each group killing each other by taking turns rolling math rocks. I give you. The counter punch / counter fire ability. The concept is simple. A strong enemy whom your players will be making many attacks against, has the ability to counter punch / fire, your players when they miss. Each time the players miss a mele or ranged attck, the opponent can roll a basic mele of ranged attack counter at them, with disadvantage. This adds an extra layer of cost benefit analysis for the players to make while attacking. Gone are the days of mindlessly attacking until the bad guy fall down. Now each turn then players take has a risk of costing them precious hit points. A few reckless attacks by your barbarian could put them in hot water for once. Not to mention. The many opportunities for sweet, sweet roleplay. Your fighter action surges and misses half of their attacks, BAM! Now your bbeg gets to talk smack about them being too slow, while they slip and rip them to the body. Or the warlock misses with an eldritch blast, just to have to dive out of the way for a return volley of arrows. Combat gets more intersting. Rollplay get more opportunities mid combat. The table has a better time. For 50% stake in my company, I ask simply for four eggs, ripe for fertilization. So that I may begin my unholy quest to raise my very own brood of radical teenage Tortles, trained in the ancient arts of ninjitsu.

Keanu DRAMAFACE

Tortles, tortles, tortles. I hope you’re sitting shell up cause this pitch is going to have you rolling helplessly on your keratin covered backs. The idea is incredibly simple in design but far reaching in practice. Introducing Death Rolls: - instead of three pass or fails, you have 3 chances to hit a DC30 and the attempts stack mathematically. This adds more stakes and pressure, and makes it both less and more random. For 365 eggs, one for every day of the year, I will give this idea to you completely. I don’t even want my name on the bish Thx! HAGS!

Noah Goodman

Shello Tortles! I present to you an invention I've added into recent games: KNUCKLE DUSTERS and WEAPON CAPSULES. Have you ever seen a ranged fighter use magic arrows, boosting their damage or adding cool effects using a consumable, and been sad your monk or barbarian can't do the same AND has to be close range? Look no further than these items! Knuckle Dusters are tattoos that can be applied to a fist, up to 4 per hand (each knuckle), and when you land a hit you can use it's effect to get a small bonus (Elemental Dusters for 1d6 extra damage of a specific type, Charm busters for a save or be charmed, Net dusters for a save against restrained, etc). Weapon Capsules are attached to your weapon instead, granting 5 uses each of a single effect on an attached weapon - use your object interaction to activate one and the next time you hit, it's effect will go off! No longer can only bow-users have consumable items to boost their power, all physical combatants can sweeten their strikes! All I ask from you is four cloaca-fresh eggs for 50% of the company.

An_Armed_Bear

Shello Tortles, I bring you a system my table uses to give martials some more spice: More "Replacement Attacks" like Grappling, designed to be used with Extra Attack. How it works is, if you have Extra Attack, whenever you attack you can instead choose to make just one attack but with bonuses. Two examples my table uses are Lunge, which gives you +5 reach, and Charge, which lets you move half your speed towards an enemy before your attack. We also allow for targeting specific body parts to inflict conditions, like reducing speed by aiming for the legs. This gives martials a choice between trying a more tactical and supportive approach or to simply go all out for maximum damage, much like how a caster can choose between a spell to lockdown enemies or just blow them up with Fireball. I ask for just a single egg to raise as a squire.

Seth The Nearly Great

Tortles, My idea is for Warlocks - specifically those who lean heavily upon the Eldritch Blast spell as a main damage source. It's often boring to just sling the same spell over and over again but what if that could be made more interesting? I present to you Pactemonium - a twist on the battle consistency, and thus staleness, that Eldritch Blast brings to the table. Whenever a warlock casts Eldritch Blast they will roll for attack as normal but will also roll a separate d8. A result of 8 on the Pactemonium die will cause an unintended spell/effect to fire from a preselected list of the DM & Player's choosing. I'm asking 4.2 eggs for 69% ownership.

Ziel R.

Whale and Shell met, tortles! I'm not sure if this counts as a pitch or a follow-up, but with our current campaign winding down and plans for the next ramping up, I was working with my DM to make my new character. I really wanted to play A Moth. The whole schtick was that he's obsessed with The Light. He's going to be a celestial patron warlock. Kind of thinking of maybe giving him a Gallad Roselle flair to him. I wanted to use fairy or owlin racials because I had planned for his wings to be pretty important to the character design, but the DM was very hesitant to allow flight for a level 1 character. Remembering Murph's advice from ages ago, I suggested a system where he would slowly grow into his wings. What we settled on is this: he is going to start at level 1 in a more larval form using Thri-kreen racials, and at level 3, as his wings grow in, he'll gain a slowfall/glide mechanic. Then at around level 5 or 6, he'll get actual flight once his wings are strong enough. Since this is in many ways just me building off an idea youse guise had already, I don't feel right asking for a lot of eggs, but maybe just two or three. I've been watching a lot of youtube tutorials about eggshell carving, and I imagine tortle eggs are so large that it'd be much easier to practice on. Either way, I'm excited to have the chance to play my Moth, Tarkin.

Em_Dragon

#IntroRevive2025 Greetings to the three most honored Tortles Emily Snapford, Brian Herphy, and Caldwell Terrapin, and that guy Lake. At your table do you honor the 20 above all else, then this rule is for you! Have you ever rolled with disadvantage for a critically important roll, then rolled a 20 and then a 1? So heartbreaking for everyone at the table! Missed relationships! NPC's who don't flee a volcano! Character deaths for poisoned characters making disadvantage death saves! Well I have a rule for you: The Nat 20 reincarnation rule. Any Nat 20 rolled with disadvantage will immediately be re-rolled, and then the new die and the other die will be treated as an advantage roll. From the ashes of of cruel fate, like a phoenix your 20 is reborn into something new. It is balanced since this has only a 10% chance of happening, and the new roll could just as easily be another 1! I have tested this rule at my table and the satisfaction I see in my players eyes has been worth it every time. I am offering this rule in exchange for one green egg and clam from each of you. If you only have blue eggs I will accept them but you will see a single tear roll down my face.

Jonathan Fookes

Tortellinis, requesting at least four and maybe s’more eggs for my home brew rogue class hiding debuff. Should a rogue attack from hiding, and should they not move to a new hiding spot, their bonus action Stealth roll to hide will be at disadvantage, as they have given away their position with an attack. Combining this with battlefields that have distinct but limited or destroyable hiding spaces gives rogues more to do than simply hide & shoot. I have found that not does this make playing a rogue more fun, but it makes it easier for DM’s to manage a fight against a party consisting of multiple rogues.

Jack C

Heya Torts. What I'm bringing today might (in some circles) be considered a magical narcotic, but I consider this a potion that's slightly addictive and full of utility. On the streets this is known as "Hindsight," and can be consumed however you please. It temporarily grants what is known as "post-cognition:" With the minimum dosage taken, it allows you to relive a past memory or event from your own point of view. With greater doses, you can experience the memory from someone else's point of view or as an omniscient observer (akin to the Scry spell) but beware of the risky side effects (exhaustion, diminishment of mental faculties, etc). This is a wonderful product to naturally work in a well-needed flashback, deduce a traitor from a past betrayal, or just remember the good old days! For a 30% stake I am merely seeking 5 eggs, each one cooked a different style and on one plate.

ZoeyHorse (Afterdark)

Tortles! I propose that horses should have an intelligence of 15 as they have shown they know how to strategize and think ahead. I don't think I need to explain any further. All I need for your investment is a pat on the back and a shout out to my friend Uilleam (Ool-ee-yam) MacDougall Thank you kindly

Lucas Ahlstrom

Shello and Reefings soggy Tortles! I come to you with a homebrew item I have given my players in a couple campaigns to great effect. Do you ever struggle to incorporate your PC's back stories into the early stages of a campaign? Do you sometimes find it hard to incorporate a key plot hook in your beginning quest? Then let me introduce you to the Quill of Snail Sending. Much like the Sending spell, this unassuming looking quill can be used to send an up to 25 word message to any creature a character is familiar with. The catch is that it must be written in the air with the Quill, at which point the Quill transforms into a winged sealed envelope and takes 1 full day to reach its recipient, who can then read the message and respond in kind with another full day of travel time back to the original user. This eliminates the useful stealthiness of the 3rd level spell, and gives the DM some time to think of a response and plan the world accordingly. What were previously long stretches of time where PCs couldn't interact with their back stories now have players talking about their motivations and relationships, as well as finding ways to help each other achieve their goals. I ask for a measly 1 ink well full of eggs in exchange for a controlling share of the United States Postal Service. Thank you for your time.

Mattfares

Hello Tortles, Do you like a little gamble and a lot of dice? Well today I have for you a simple, yet complex magic item perfect for you! May I present: the chaos cannon. This hand-held cannon is used like a blunderbuss, but deals 1D6D6damage, with no added modifier. This means that on a hit you first roll a single D6, the result of which determines how many D6 you roll for damage. For the no chortles tortle, I’ve also run the math! The damage range for the cannon is anywhere from 1 to 36 damage but the average damage per hit is 12.25,slightly higher than a fire bolt a 5th level character. It’s not a primary weapon so it can only be fired 1D4D4 times per day, to be rolled on the first shot. This weapon is also scalable! To fit any power level simply change any of the dice to larger or smaller values. And of course, oppa old Cobb style, it will magically load itself and fire either funny or deadly serious stuff out of it depending on how good the damage roll is. So that you can enjoy the magic of the cannon right now, I’m willing to part with 1D6D6percent of my IP in exchange for 1D6D6 of your most randomly selected eggs.

Roz

Greetings and salutations, council of the capitalist shell! Is your sorcerer feeling stale? Does your innate spellcasting lack spontaneity? Are you finding yourself without the spell you need when you really, *really* need it? Allow me to present my homebrew sorcerer spell-learning mechanic, which will scratch your every metamagical itch! Everyone knows sorcerers – the will-driven, nepo-casters of the world – simply learn new spells on a whim whenever they level up. What I propose is this. Sorcerers no longer learn or replace a spell known when they level up. Instead, they keep their spells known, but have the option of choosing their new spell (or swapping one out) at an opportune time for them to meet the challenge and trauma of their ever-stressful adventuring life. Surrounded by goblins with no way out? Surprise! You reach inside and can Thunder Step now! Drowning in depths of the ocean whilst wrestling a giant squid? Panic not Tortles, simply imagine an Air Bubble forming around your head and it will be so! You can even choose which spell to lose if you’re swapping one out, no unexpected surprises needed. The spells known mechanic is otherwise identical - just one new or swapped spell per level - so you won't have to worry about those entitled natural casters trying to change their spells every other combat. For this, I ask for only one egg, but i do ask that it be your freshest, first-laid egg of the season. Shell-o from the other tide, Torts! Roz

Rin Carranza

Hiya torts possibly in the jorts! I bring you today a dark fantasy esc cursed book of knowledge! A book (I did it as a small diary but let the dm decide) that can be interacted with during a rest that gives a player, or the group of players who delve into its pages one word per page but written in suspiciously red ink (wink wink). This word is given by the dm to help hint at something that may be happening around the plot, something that is going to happen, or, if the player(s) want to get crazy they can write down a question themselves but must do so in their own blood. I ruled it as the player asking the question doesnae take damage but its flexible where the dm can rule it for their to be risk to pass the day's damage taken. Since its during a long rest they will recover regardless. The page writes its one word as if being sliced. The book/diary has limited pages and once they get to the last page, a face reveals itself. Literally! The curse is not on the players but a npc who was cursed via their body to book form. How else was the words going to be written, and where the knowledge came from? The npc themself of course. I suggest that the players can free the npc and create an arc around that, but of course the book is modular to the dm. In return of this idea, I ask for 3 eggs to raise as my own as tortles are awesome! 💜

Nathaniel F

Shello Tubular Torts, I wade into the waters to present magic item reverse engineering. Too often I feel shops have all sorts of wild magic items that, frankly, they aren’t qualified to sell. Why does this medium sized town sell rare, enchanted magic goods? Especially rare quality or above? I don’t know, and neither does anyone else - trust me. However, since the town clearly has a blacksmith destined for greatness who had to take care of his ailing parent and is now stuck in his home town, maybe he should be given opportunity. So I propose: letting smiths and crafters borrow magic items to reverse engineer. With sufficient time, experience, maybe coin, bringing new knowledge to crafters so they can begin expanding their wares. Not only would they give discounts, but royalties too! There’s a lot of math you can do here, but in summary, give em stuff to make more of! This is probably how the town sells rare items to begin with! For this, I ask simply for a scrambled egg of very rare quality that I can reverse engineer. Thank you.

Resido

Hello my egg-laiden tortle friends. I give to you the wonder bead. This eggcelent magical item produces any one of d100 effects. Once thrown the bead is cracked, the effect is rolled, and viola! You have some chaos landing at your table. Before you scoff it off as just another rod of wonder-type item i give you the twist: the table is merely a menu of options with no roll associated. This genius object allows the GM to introduce the craziest shit they can think of without having to come up with a good in-game reason. Now I offer a 50% stake in this god-tier item for the unfortunate fortune of thirteen eggs. We could also roll a d100 and I’ll tell you how many you owe. Do we have a deal?

Em_Dragon

Jotting this idea down immediately

BullywugNugTug

My Tortles! While listening to the beginning of campaign 1, when Beverly tried to do a bullywug mating call, I wondered to myself, “what could a bullywug mating call sound like?” And came up with this chant, “Oh fug I wanna sug I wanna glug glug on that bullywug’s slug Oh fug I wanna chug I wanna give them bullywugs nugs a tug” My request is that this either becomes the canonical bullywug mating call that Bev was not privy to, OR that it is in the adjacent Legends Comic Book non cannon stories of C1 which TOTALLY exist. My offer to you is a Tully’s Tender Dinner from an upstate NY classic turtle-themed restaurant, Tully’s.

Silvaspoon11

Greetings, all Mighty Tort judges, and ... do I have to,... ugh,.. and jimp. Present to you a mechanic to spice up your arena/game show encounters, Audience Participation. Imagine your band of adventurers takes part in the ultimate anime tournament arc, and they need a little assistance. How about shelling out to the crowd? At the start of each round of combat, roll a D20; 10 or higher, the group gets a buff (Boon), but 9 or lower, the enemy gets a buff (Bane). Then roll a D100 to select the effect, think of a wild magic table. The table contains effects as simple as '+1 AC for the round', 'Get a greater healing potion', or wacky as "Impromptu Photoshoot: This round, everyone is forced to stop fighting. Creatures cannot use their movement speed, cannot use bonus actions or reactions, and must waste their action doing a cool pose for the Tournament’s promotional material." I ask for 58 eggs for each episode of this tournament arc.

garett144

Shello to the 3 vibrant radiant tortles and hey what up to the one with the scuffed dull shell. I bring the forth the idea that lets us all do what we want more of in D&D....flipping DVDs. For 144 eggs im willing to share a 70% stake of this idea. It is called the DVD rush. It is a feature that is usable once per day during a short rest. The feature is to flip until you get a tails and then gain a bonus per heads flipped this way. The default benefit is to regain one hit die per heads, but at the DMs discretion different DVDs can grant different buffs. Maybe a DVD of The Craft can regain lvl 1 spell slots, on maybe Austin Powers can buff bards in some way. Tank you for your time and I hope to be in business soon. Ps I have a legit idea for a naddpod card game, let me know if you're interested

Muqtadaa Miandara

THE ARCANE REFINERY Shello and maybe shalom and while we're at it Shellam (supposed to be salam but idk if that translated over text)! Listen, we’re all businesswomen here, right? Tortles, for two of your businesswoman eggs and the chance to play your character's disappointed father on the pod, I present: the Arcane Refinery! Are your players obsessed with magical loot, amassing cursed items like it’s a competition, inexplicably carting around divine hearts, lich phylacteries, and infernal relics but are for some reason not constantly hunted by every faction that wants powerful artifacts? Preserve the internal logic of your world! Introduce an Arcane Refinery! Run by an eccentric, absent-minded arcane researcher and their bubbly yet mildly sinister assistant, this is the place where magical items are uncursed, restored, repaired, and revamped. Did you hand out a Ring of True Strike that no one uses? Is your wizard ignoring her Staff of Snakes now that she’s level 12 and above such things? Guide them to the Refinery, where their gear can be reforged! Mechanically, the Refinery is a place where players can buy items outright, strip curses while preserving enchantments, or transform their broad collection of magic items into something better suited for their character (and maybe make it feel less painful to only have three attunement slots). It’s a narrative excuse for players to “respec” their gear while giving the DM room to adjust requests—so when a level 10 hero asks for a Holy Avenger Greatsword, they get something Holy-ish, but not quite so good as the ask. Plus, the Refinery itself is fertile ground for plot hooks: who works there, what’s their connection to the magical ecosystem, and how do they interact with the environment or city they’re in? For the full package, thaw a few eggs and we’ll staff it with an adorkable intern (think Jess from New Girl), a himbo receptionist à la Chris Hemsworth in Ghostbusters, a bubbly-but-intense genius assistant with a chip on her shoulder, and a sarcastic, obsessive genius lead researcher straight out of any USA Network procedural from the early aughts (think Monk, Psych, maybe Burn Notice? I never watched that one, but they had a large advertising budget so I have to assume it did well). An egg per staff member gets you your weekly “mystical problem of the week,” and letting me DM an oops all wizards campaign for y'all buys an overarching series plot tied to a dramatic backstory (a spouse who died in mysterious circumstances, an unknown child seeking to reconnect, coming face-to-face with the person who killed your disappointed father, etc.). Did this turn into a network pilot pitch? Maybe. Does that make me the best businesswoman? The genitals I was born with say no, which is strange enough on its own because who decided that shit for me? But the eggs in this tank? They say yes, I am the best businesswoman. Thank you for your time, Tortles of the Tank.

Kawilder

Mid'day to y'all Tortas. I come to your moist tank to offer a lvl 9 spell for a gold but cracked egg. (Gimme the shell) Event Horizon Casting time: 1 Action Range/Area: 150 ft./50 ft., 100 ft. Duration: 1 round Saves: STR, DEX Conjure a small back hole the size of a wiffle ball with a golden event Horizon around it at any point within range. Any unsecured objects and creatures Large size or smaller in a 50 ft. radius sphere centered at that point must make a DC 20 Strength save. Faliure to save results in the creature getting sucked into the black hole taking 12 D12 force damage. Anything sucked into the black hole is temporarily sent astral plane till the start of the casters next turn. From the outside, it looks like the black hole is shrinking untill it gets to the size of a gold coin, at which it will then explode sending all of the contents and loose debris shrapnel shooting outwards in all directions. All creatures that have been sucked in should roll a D8 to dictate which direction they will be sent flying in. (1/up, 3/right, 5/down, 7/left, even numbes are diagonal directions on a battle grid) If creature collides with another creature or solid object within 100 feet of travel, the creature takes 12d6 "falling damage"(feather fall negates the damage). If creature flys 100 ft. unobstructed, they skid against the ground like in an anime fight and have the prone condition. Any creatures within 100 ft. Radius sphere centered at the point of the black holes location must make a DC 15 DEX save. Faliure on save take 12d6 piercing damage (or bludgeoning, DM's choice,) success on save take half as much damage. Thank you all for your time, big fan, big time lurker, first time submitter.

Baron Bullywug

Shello Torts, Thank you so much for this clawportunity. I think we can all agree the main problem with dnd is that there arent enough opportunities for our characters to derail the campaign with culinary related hijinks. The chef feat is accordingly the best feat in the game, but it could frankfurterly be so much more. Thats why Im suggesting an expanded Chef feat. As is, the chef feat will allow you to regain 1d8 extra hp on a short rest or a little treat that gives you proficiency bonus hp consumed as a bonus action. Thats why Im suggesting the inclusion of recipe scrolls that the player can find to expand the repertoire of their delicacies. Through finding special ingredients the players can add additional temporary or permanent effects that scale with their level. For example: Harpy Egg Omelet: Through careful preparation of a Harpy egg and goat cheese the chef is able to provide resistance to the charmed condition to those who consume this omelet for eight hours. Barbe-Tarra-sque Your chef managed to get their hands on a rack of Tarrasque ribs? We'll get ready for the best BBQ this side of the bayou. These ribs will give your players a slight glint to the skin, mimicking the Tarrasques spell reflection and reflecting magic missiles. All I ask for this is a half dozen eggs for a 26% ownership interest for the capital to create all 108 recipes of destiny

Trey

Shello Torts Lowly lizard Trey here I come to you not seeking eggs but the best deviled egg recipe. As a DM, I'm unsatisfied with the chaos and crunchy cards in the deck of many things. For example I have my party pull a magic card from a shifty salesperson or one from a magical witch/wizard and they pull the fool loosing 10,000 points of xp a thing which means nothing to their character, or “The Void” now they’re not allowed to play their character, and I have to now change the next 5 session so the party can go gem hunting. Side note here If I’m not mistaken, the no chortles tortle himself admitted to pulling cards from the deck before giving it to the boobs in campaign one. I would say admitting its flaws and, in a way, already supporting my claim. I’ll continue I propose a 100% narrative-based deck of many things based on the major arcana of tarot. I’ll give you some examples: The Star: You are now a celebrity; everyone you meet will recognize you immediately. They won't know exactly who you are, but they'll recognize your face. Justice: There's now a bounty on your head by your current nation's government. The Emperor: You’re now the lord of a small island nation. You don't know where it is, but you now know its name and have the paperwork to prove it. These cards are not good or bad; they just add extra depth to the story without causing us to flip the current game on its head. And these are just 3 of the 22 cards in this deck you could purchase today. I believe these cards could add little change, lead to bigger payoffs, and provide resources for the DM. P.S. The distinguished Tort who buys the deck will have full naming rights upon its purchase.

Nat Schwarz

Greetings Tortles, I run games with my friends, and we like to start the session with a little ritual: the "roll for recap". Before we actually start and get into the gaming mood, we roll a d20, and the person who rolls the lowest has to give the recap. I've found that it 1). gives a sense of shared ownership to the story and it's progress and 2). gives a good "dice vibe check" at the start of the session. There is a variant to this tradition which marks down each time a player gives a recap. When they roll for recap, they add the amount of times they've already done a recap to their score. Hypothetically this should have evened things out, unless your party is mine where our scores are 18, 13, 12, 11, 10, and 6. I'd ask for some eggs at this point, but I rolled a 28 so it's someone else's turn to pitch.

A.B.C.D.E.M.P

Shello Tortles your shells are looking as gleaming and serene as ever and also i did not playtest this I literally came up with it 10 minutes ago. Tortles, I know that you all enjoy capitalizing on the high/low status of NPCs and PCs to great effect and I believe it’s time to bring this fun to the masses in a more concrete way. Today I humbly come before you in your you opulent tank board room to present my homebrew bard spell “Status Shift”. This role play oriented spell, when cast, allows the bard to shift the perceived status of an npc or player character between high or low status. Have a weasel-y, coke bottle glasses nerd you need to get information out of? *BAM* Watch as he suddenly has the awkward hugh grant energy to pull crown. Got a snooty noble who is standing between you and the campaign ending mcguffin in their coffers? *ZAP* Now he’s the campaign equivalent of Bailiff Jork. For this simple spell I humbly request your finest cup of DS and enough eggs to put me in a runny omelet coma for the next couple of days or so.

Justme

Tortles “You need new friends” …. that’s the advice given on almost every episode of Dungeon court. But what if we stopped treating our fellow players as friends and started treating them like Co-workers? Forget the investment I’m looking for a 9-5 that pays a livable wage of eggs and a pension to implement a version of the Workplace Harassment program called “the code of Chromatic Conduct” If we learned anything from the miracle over the Mojave it’s that people need help speaking up in uncomfortable situations. Someone at your table decides to make a penis sword call it out by saying “yellow” that might not fit into the world setting very well. Someone decides to name their character Richard Nixon just say “Orange” and move on! Let’s help these problematic players become better players and people! And if they have repetitive red conduct kick them out and get new friends

Rachyl Hietpas

Tortles, I spent a week out on the beach alternating between umbrella and magnifying glass to get an egg that was just the right amount of runniness to get even the No Chortles Tortle to buy into a DVD-flipping mechanic. I propose to you an end to “meets it, beats it”, a mechanic that feels like you got away with something rather than succeeded. Instead any time there is a roll that exactly meets the DC of a check, you flip a DVD to determine if the roll succeeds or fails. Shiny side up, you get a +1 to the roll and you succeed, shiny side down and you get a -1 to the roll and you fail. For my idea, all I’m asking for is one perfectly runny egg for me and one perfectly runny egg for Lucy L, whose original desire to see dvd flipping get the credit it deserved inspired my idea that will hopefully get the eggs cooked.

Lisa Delia

Good day to you, Tortles. For many folks, a big part of D&D is getting to be a little flirty with your friends. The horny bard is a classic trope for a reason. But in an expansive campaign, or with a character whose tastes are rather open, how do you decide how you feel about any given NPC you encounter? You can’t want to bone down with EVERY one of them (unless that’s your thing), so how do you decide? It’s a simple roll of the D20. The higher the number, the more attractive your character finds the NPC. But on odd numbers, you *would* bone down, and on even numbers, you would *not*. This allows for a wide variety of attraction levels, with a 20 indicating something like “You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, but I wouldn’t dare besmirch your perfection with the sins of my flesh,” and a nat 1 meaning “Sit on my face so I don’t have to look at you.” This is my gift to the greater D&D community, so all I ask of you is one of your horniest eggs. Thank you.

Taylor

Hello oh great shell ones, hoarder of eggs. I first came here to clean the tanks for you but didnt realize you were recording, so I might as well pitch you guys an idea I had! We all know that Nat 20s on initiative are talked to death on how they are totally worth it and not a waste, but I am here to talk about something else that isn't so often talked about, tied initiatives berween players! There is already the existing rule of the higher dex roller goes first, or there is the cheeky homebrew roll off, but my new idea brings a little more fun and narrative chances to combat! My proposal is that when two players have tied roll, they can choose who gets to first go first, and the first player can get a "help action" to get advantage on their first action/attack (only in the first round). The narrative being "You both become aware of your current situation at the same time, and are in sync on the battle field, and know what must be done to come out victorious". Since this is only for the first round, its not too over-powered but gives you players the chance to have fun with their initia-twin! All I ask is that you leave behind any eggs in your tanks at the end of the day that have twins in them, in exchange for 50% of my idea so we can be equity twins.

Eryn Galen

Hey Tortles! Today, I have a system i quietly added into an upcoming oneshot after a player said they wanted "consequences" - reputation. Or honor, karma, whatever you want to call it. At the end of the day, its exactly what youd think - a way to quietly track each player's crimes and/or do-gooding, and punish (or reward) them accordingly. Reputation is on a sliding scale of 100 to -100. Most good actions result in +10 to their reputation, and most *bad* actions result in -10. However, *heroic* actions will result in a much larger boost to a player's reputation, with the exact amount changing based on how heroic it was, and *villainous* actions will do the same thing in the opposite direction. I have rewards and punishments set up for any amount of reputation each individual player has by the end of the oneshot, and while they are setting specific, they range from "promoted and publicly recognized as a hero" to "immediately sentenced to a firing squad." It was made for a oneshot, but could potentially be expanded for a full campaign. Maybe. Tortles, in return for a 98% stake in this idea since the oneshot keeps getting postponed and im probably never using it anyway, I ask for 5 irradiated eggs (to match the setting of the oneshot) so that I may hatch them and raise them as the natural-born enemies of my players

Nate P

Hello Torts, I bring something today that I am not a shell-xpert in but warrants atleast an egg none the less. Death Save Coins for important NPC's. There have been moments in many campaigns near and foreign to me where the party ends up killing a character with information or a beloved friendly NPC with their stray fireball. With this mechanic when an NPC (deemed important enough by the DM) drops to zero they will go into death saves and flip a coin, this will determine how many fails the NPC will start with. This can allow the party time to pick up an NPC from deaths stoop without making it so every NPC ally can just live from the parties stupid shenanigans. I humbly ask for eggs ranging 1-20 depending on how that dice are favouring "The No Chortle Tortle" today.

KyLo Ryn

Dear purveyors of the Finest Tortle Eggs. Dungeon Masters want to give their players powerful magic items—but revealing their full strength too early ruins the mystery and pacing. Enter The Rusted Quality: an item mechanic where legendary gear appears in a degraded, rusted state. That +3 longsword? It looks and acts like a mundane blade. That enchanted shield? Just a dented hunk of iron. Players find these items early, but they don't realize their true potential... yet. They just sense a whisper of something greater. As the item is used—through combat, milestones, or story-driven events—it begins to restore itself, unlocking its true power over time. A sword may gain a +1 bonus after striking down a worthy foe, or regain its full +3 glory after a major arc is completed. The identity of the item remains hidden until it chooses to remember. This lets DMs seed legendary artifacts early, keep players guessing, and tie item progression directly to narrative engagement. It's not just gear—it’s a legacy waiting to be reforged. For this I humbly ask for 4 eggs. One from each of you. I will eat Murph's, raise Emily's and Caldwell's, and we'll see about Jack's. Will I lose it, or will something else happen? Who knows.

Aaron Sterne

Shellutations, Turts and Tot (Jeake). We’ve all been there. A ghost from a PC’s past swoops in and pulls them away to have a long discussion of their deep, shared history. The problem? No one else in the party gets to play until it’s done! How boring. Here’s my pitch: letting PC’s decide when to cut to their own conversation during separated role play scenes. Let’s say 3 PC’s are each pulled away by NPC’s to have separate conversations, while the remaining two talk with each other. The DM starts by initiating one of the DM/PC scenes. At an appropriate moment, another PC calls out to the DM to start their scene with their NPC. This continues, cycling through the individual PC/DM scenes and PC/PC scene, until we arrive back at the first conversation. The whole process repeats itself until all scenes come to a natural conclusion. This now makes it crucial for the PC’s to pay more attention to the content of the other character’s scenes. They’re now trying to find the perfect dramatic beat to leave off a previous scene and cut to their own. Additionally, this now reduces player boredom; they now get to decide when it’s their turn to play. This requires a well behaved table to pull off, as well as a DM that is ready to cut to a full new character and scene at any given moment. However, I have tested this at my table, and it’s worked like a dream so far! All I ask for a 50% stake in this method is 10,000,000 eggs so I may build a mech suit that rivals the Egg Man himself. Thank you for your time and shelllvice!

Muqtadaa Miandara

THE NEW & IMPROVED SORCERER Shello tort-less tortles (that's right, you've committed no civil injustice and that's for the best because if you get cancelled I will unsubscribe from the pod but not the Patreon). I present to you something you may have already seen - the Constitution based Sorcerer! It's dumb that two of the three core arcane casters are Charisma based, so let's lean into sorcerous bloodlines by saying that Sorcerers actually rely on their constitution to call on the power singing in their veins. Bonus thoughts: I'm still fleshing this out as to how it affects the larger class and character build, but I had the thought that since it boosts their HP by making constitution a primary stat for the build, you can introduce spell-related mechanics to inflict conditions when a player over-extends as a sorcerer. Out of spell slots? Roll a check of some sort to still cast the spell then roll on a table to determine what harm befalls your character, perhaps a number of d6 of damage equal to level of the cast spell? And maybe you gain exhaustion, or are temporarily blinded, or even need to roll not to fall unconscious. Obviously, this is a mechanic that only comes into play once per long rest in a moment of extreme need, assuming the party is on its last legs or something along those lines. Also, the metamagic options can be flavored in really fun ways to match, like twinned spells can be a caster using flecks of their own sorcerous blood to create a thaumaturgical connection that mirrors the spell they cast and send it at a second target. I'm asking for 3 eggs and the chance to play a character in a NADDPOD game that is just one of your PC's WASP-y mom who's a little too outspoken about some very bad opinions. Tank you for your time, Tort-less Tortles

Shrish Jawadiwar

Shello Shello! I am part of a D&D campaign at a game store. Usually, there are a couple of people who cannot make it to a game each week, so our DM does a funny roleplay thing where our "absent" characters are transported to a coconut-based demiplane called "The Drupe" and have silly adventures in those demiplanes. This whole spiel mechanically means nothing but I love this kind of flavor—pun intended—for keeping absent players engaged as the session is beginning. We inevitably fall down unceremoniously from the sky to wherever the rest of the party is.

Don't Worry About It

Shello esteemed torts and the guy who reads these (Jim?) How many times has your barbarian looked on with envy as the guy with the lute rolls a +30 on an attempt to frighten the big bad? Does it make sense that RAW, a rogue can easily be better at grappling than a fighter if he takes athletics expertise? Do you ever want your Bard to be wicked awesome at playing the keytar...but would rather save your expertise choices for the ever useful 'stealth' or 'perception' rather than 'performance'? I'm here to offer you a new character creation rule that not only addresses these player issues, but gives DMs some not-so-subtle direction in the challenges their PCs would like to see. One word. Specialization. For each skill proficiency a PC possesses, they can indicate a sub-category* within that skill (e.g. 'swimming' for Athletics). If that sub-specialization comes up during a skill check, they add twice their proficiency to the skill as in skill expertise from bards and rogues. This change lets all player classes be truly great at certain specific things without having to play with DCs based on class and without removing skill-focus from classes like Bard, Rogue, and Ranger. *sub-category choices require DM approval to prevent overly broad application of specialization. All I ask for this homebrew is first choice of a single egg from a freshly laid clutch.

Alec Posta

Bonjourno Turts! I present to you an item sure to tickle the fancy of shenanigan prone players everywhere: The Rock of Relativity. At first glance it’s nothing more than a pebble. Not very useful you say? Well, it’s just a matter of perspective. When a creature attunes to the rock, it appears the same size to them no matter their distance from it. To everyone else, however, the rock grows or shrinks to maintain its constant size relative to its observer. At a distance of 30 feet your pebble packs the punch of a 1ft diameter boulder. More distance = more size. The only limit is your imagination! Will you strap it to the end of a whip to dramatically increase its damage? Or maybe try to coax your BBEG to the bottom of a cliff: a prime spot to be crushed by a rock! “Overpowered!”, I hear Murph shouting from the back? Don’t worry DMs; balance in all things. The user remains attuned to the rock as long as they’re within 30 feet of it, but beyond that range they must maintain line of sight on it or attunement breaks and it reverts to its original, tiny size (which can be quite hard to find, wink wink). Also, if it gets too big, it crushes under its own weight, destroying the magic inside but leaving a brand new mountain in its final resting place. For ease of math; I’ve been equating its combat utility to fall damage: +1d6 damage for every 10 feet away from the observer. I ask only for two eggs, but I request your biggest one, as well as your smallest.

John Murphy

Hey Torts! Issues with PC indecision got you down? May I humbly offer you the dreamtext (TM). Whenever my players hit a point in the story where they can’t decide what to do next, I suggest they sleep on it and end the session with them going to bed. Then send each player an individual text in between sessions about something that happens when they head to bed. It could be a visit from the warlocks patron, a vision from the clerics god or even a note from the bbg shoved under their pillow whatever drives the story forward. This allows me to engage in some light railroading and gives the party more information to break through analysis paralysi when the next session resumes. Side effects may include: one of your players wandering off on a solo adventure or bouts of extreme role play lasting more than four hours. I am offering a subscription text plan at the low cost of one high quality egg per text. Thank you for your consideration and may all your dreams be visions.

Bison Black

Hey there totally tubular tortles! One of the itches that dnd scratches is gambling. The highs and lows of the nat 20s and nat 1s gives everybody at the table a rush of endorphins. Picture a craps table, surrounded by folks cheering on the person who's on a hot streak. With that in mind, I bring you the Gambler's high! Whenever you roll a nat 20 on a hit, you can roll again and again and again as long as you keep getting nat 20s and for each additional nat 20 you add another damage die. Sure, your BBEG might get one shot if your player gets on a hot streak but the excitement and exhilaration around your table if they pull of this statistically improbable feat will more than make up for it. I say let those truly blessed by dice christ shine as bright as they can! I ask for a D100 in unmarked non-sequential eggs for a 50% stake in my company. Praise dice christ!

Devon B

Hello my Tubular Tortle Investors, I come with a fix with every Dungeon Master's last favorite Player Species, the Aarakocra. Again and again we've seen people present fixes for these pesky birds, trying to find any way to clip their alluring wings while maintaining the identity of the species. I present before you a solution that blends simplicity and progression, a fly speed based on level. With this change an Aarakocra has a fly speed equal to their profiency bonus multiplied by ten, starting out at twenty feet and maxing out at sixty, with the added restriction that they must end their turn grounded or fall five hundred feet immediately. I am asking for a single Matryoshka Doll Egg for twenty-five percent of this idea or four unquie Clown Eggs for thirty precent.

Xavior

Shello Torts and Turts, I bring forth not ONE but TWO mechanics I've used in my games. One is a simple Monster Hunter style mechanic where each monster has it's HP split between it's limbs, and body. Players can attack specific limbs to weaken a creature, say it has two claw attacks and you take one arm to zero it now does only one attack. The second mechanic is limit breaks, I allow after three nat 1s you can call a limit break and guarantee a nat 20, this varies depending on class fighter do more damage, wizards do two spells that would equal there highest....I request that for these I get one egg each that Jake must hatch it, For the Wolf.

Christopher Derrick

LIMIT BRAKES Hello oh wise torts and the not so wise tort who shall not be named. I am starting my first ever DND campaign. I am a huge final fantasy fan and I have introduced limit brakes where one attack gets to deal one extra damage die. on every 4th combat it will be ready. After using a limit break their next attack phase is skipped but they can still move or use a bonus action. I only ask for 2 eggs for this idea.

Penjamin

Sup torts, Ever run a one-shot or campaign with an evil party? Maybe you want to play a warlock but are worried you'll miss out on the delicious drama between you and your patron: the conflicting goals, the questionable deals, the slow descent into moral compromise. Good stuff. So here’s a twist: what if your patron is... God? Now, I know what you’re thinking Murph: “Isn’t that just a cleric?” Fuck no. This isn’t faith, it’s business. You're not worshipping god, you’re negotiating with him. You want power? God’s got plenty. But in true warlock fashion, it comes at a cost. Looted a pile of gold after your last crusade? Time to tithe 30% to a nearby orphanage. Want to raze that village to the ground? Roll to resist the urge to go door to door, asking locals if they've heard of their lord and savior Pelor. Thinking of committing some good old-fashioned murder? Sure, but you'll be waiting for marriage to do other things ;) It’s all the unhinged chaos of an evil party—but wrapped in the absurd, passive-aggressive red tape of divine bureaucracy. Mechanically, it’s a regular warlock. But thematically? You’re a sanctified mess. Spice it up with re-flavored spells, such as: - Sermon of Light: “By the power vested in me...” (Eldritch Blast) - Judgment: The Lord hath marked you, and you’re now very bad at dex saves. (Hex) - Radiant Rebuke: It still burns, but this time for all the right reasons So if you want to play a character who’s equal parts smite-happy and spiritually exhausted, just remember: heaven’s watching. All I ask for is the standard 6 egg VC starter pack and a piece of that lettuce Caldwell has been necking with for the last 10 minutes.

Rob

Oh massive and imposing Tortles, I am but a humble starfish stuck to the side of your tank, but I present to you my idea for what I call “Initiative Sharing.” Given that a single round of combat can take anywhere from 10-20 minutes, DMs often find that their players lose track of the state of the battle between the end of their last turn and the beginning of their next, having to wait that entire time before having the agency to act again. And on the other side of the screen, players often have cool ideas to combine their abilities with each other, but are thwarted by a mismatch in the initiative order where a crucial buff only happens after the attack that needed it. “Initiative Sharing” aims to solve both these problems with a single splash. Simply put, all PCs whose initiatives fall adjacent to each other without any enemies interrupting, can take their turns simultaneously, combining their movements, actions, and bonus actions as they see fit. This allows for more teamwork-focused strategies between players who are close in initiative to each other, and keeps players’ focus on the battle throughout a longer portion of the round. Meanwhile, the DM can also use this option for their villains to do the same. For this idea I request only 4 eggs, which I will use like wheels to drive around your tank in a little car.

Jefferson Smyth

Hello Tortles! In today's busy world of on the go players and DM's no one has time to sort through endless loot tables to determine the optimal equipment for their PCs, so what does everyone crave? Equipment that levels up with the players! And so I give you my marvelous Whack-a-ma-jig! Now, I realize it may appear to be a piece of magisteel piping I pulled out of the wall in my apartment, but what the Whack-a-ma-jig truly is, is an endlessly customizable weapon for any class of PC! As I am sure you can see it will easily work as a blunt weapon for fighters and clerics, while also being a quarterstaff for your monks and wizards! While I admit this may look a little off putting now, do realize this is only a level 1 version! The few twisted nails and bolts at the end of the Whack-a-ma-jig offer more than just piercing damage, they are places the PCs can slap on "upgrades" down the line! Want to turn this into a +2 slashing weapon? Just have a blacksmith attach the shards of the great sword from that boss you beat two sessions ago! Want a sick custom instrument for your bard? Drill some holes, attach some wires, go nuts! Anything is possible with the Whack-a-ma-jig! My dear Tortles, I am willing to give you this opportunity for a simple baker's dozen of your most modest spotted eggs. Thank you!

NobodyWrites

Let's get right to the eggs tortles. I have for you play tested system for allowing your players to enchant their weapons without need for any clunky crafting systems. All you need is spell scrolls. Any class with access to spell slots can now enchant weapons for themselves or the magically inept. By spending a spell slot equal to the level of the scrolls spell you imbue a weapon with the spells properties. 1st level fire dmg spells will give the "flame tongue" enchantment adding 1d6 to your weapons dmg while a 2nd level such as flaming sphere will add 2d4 so on and so forth. This even adds more interesting things for the fighter to do than to simply hit hit hit. Enchant his sword with healing word and give him the "combat medic" enchantment, using one of his attacks to heal an ally with a bonk or give the ranger a summoning enchantment so she can use "summoning strike" to create a minor version of the spells summoned creature. And if a spell does not fit neatly into a enchantment then you get to have fun with your dm deciding what the effect may be. And before the Brian's in the audience groan about balancing just limit enchantments to one per weapon and have less fun if you'd like. I will give you this system and the enchantments there within for the low price of all your eggs in perpetuity.

Joshua Brown

Dear Tortles, I present to you the curse of the extremely passive goat. In our currently campaign, a player was sheparding a herd of goats across the ocean. He stopped on an island that ended up with him being cursed by a sea hag. After the incident, he found what looked to be one of his goats following him around where ever he went. The goat by all appearances is just a goat, but even after several attempts to get rid of it, the goat always pops back up, always appearing just off screen. The goat does not seem to have any effect on his actual curse of being transformed into a dog, but appeared at the same time he was cursed by the sea hag. The player can interact with the goat via animal handling checks. The goat will only listen to commands on a DC 20+ animal handling check and even still it is limited. On a DC 16-20, the player rolls a D4 to determine the outcome. The list included the goat pukes up a healing potion that it had eaten sometime before, the goats unblinking gaze grants the player inspiration, or advatange on ability checks. On a 10-15 the player just successfully pets the goat. Anything less than a 10 and the players rolls a D6 on the failure table. This includes the goat attempts to chew on your weapon and you have disadvantage on your next attack, he chews your armor and your AC drops by 1 until you can repair it, he pees on your boots and you have disadvantage on your next charisma check, he eats a D20 of cold out of your purse, etc. The goat is just gonna goat. The amount of times the goat will allow a player to pet it is limited to once per short rest. The goat exists with the party just enough to add some funny role playing moments or grant minor boons or busts for the players. It is the perfect not really a familiar, not really a companion, maybe a curse for a party to have. All I ask is for a clutch of freeze dried eggs so that I can store them for use down the road.

Connor

Hello Torts and Turdwits Have you ever been in the heat of battle and find yourself out of spell slots!! Well, no spell slots no problem!! With this new and not tested at all homebrew, made up by me who have never played before! You can now attempt to cast a spell but have to pass a check based off your spell casting ability. Now I am unsure what kind of DC to set for casting different level spell slots but my rough idea is something like 1st level spell slots DC 15 a fail causes 1 level of exhaustion or maybe the spell backfires or both 2nd level spells DC goes up by 2 a fail results in an extra level of exhaustion and the spell definitely back fires. The consequences will go up for each spell slot level and the spell you're trying to cast and can be determined by the DM. I want your input and am willing to give one of you lucky Torts a chance to use and make this better. All I ask for is 3 eggs over easy and a side of toast .

anna

Hello Wise Tortles of the Tank! I place in front of you updated Gift of Gab, a desperate attempt to plead my way into obtaining this spell despite my DM’s hatred for it (an ongoing joke that has not caused enough strife to bring to the esteemed court). This is what I’ve drafted up as an addendum to the spell as it currently exists: “On an unsuccessful Wisdom save, targeted creatures believe you said the words that you speak as the verbal component of the spell. On a successful save, the creatures will have only heard what you originally spoke but will know you attempted to alter their memories and may react accordingly.” I thought this may add more stakes than “oops I did not say that” (a tool I desperately need), but am not confident in this current reworking as I have never tried to homebrew anything before. I place it into your flippers for judgement! All I ask for in return is a message to my lovely DM, Zach, that this is NADDPOD approved and I should be able to gift my gab under these circumstances.

Bryant

Shellom, you terrapin titans of industry. One thing almost every DnD campaign has in common is that they could use more “wellness”, a problem I’ve solved with the “Goop check”. At any time, a player may choose to roll a d20 Goop check. On a high roll, they may find a healing crystal, a uniquely scented candle, or receive divine guidance from Gwyneth Paltrow herself. On a critical fail the universe misunderstands their intent and perceives this as a critical success Goose check, and the party is immediately attacked by a Dire Goose. Great idea? I know! It can be yours for the price of a single egg, provided it’s made of jade and is Goop-approved.

CaptLizianthus

Hello Taste-tastic Tortles! For those with discerning palates, I present the Appetizer Buffs. At the tavern, winery, or soft-opening of a restaurant of your choice, the PCs have the option to order a round of appetizers. They then each roll a D4, determining which app they get: roll a 1, they get Hearty Potato Skins which gives them 10 temp HP; roll a 2, they get Quick Queso Fundido which gives them an extra 10 ft of movement for the next 8 hours; roll a 3, they get Mystical Mozzarella Sticks which casts the Bless spell on them; roll a 4, they get the Coveted Crab Rangoons which casts the Jump spell on them. This can be added at the DM’s discretion, for instance PCs can roll a D6 or D8 and have the option for more apps and buffs. For this pitch, I’m asking for one egg, delivered to me at a locker in the Kansas City airport. Thank you for your time.

Selacha

Oh wise and beneficent Tortles, plus that one guy who cleans the tank, James, I have a mighty proposition for you! Do you ever find yourself bogged down by that one player who INSISTS on running encumbrance rules? Keeping track of the weight of every sword, helm, arrow, heck, even every coin? In my experience, nothing kills the fantasy vibe as dead as going to loot a sweet Greatsword, only to be told I don't have room for it. Luckily, I offer a solution! My company, a cabal of interplanar warlocks and artificers whose goals you shouldn't think too hard about, have begun our quest to distribute Bags of Holding to all up and coming adventurers across the mortal planes. Once a party has proven themselves, my associates will swiftly arrive to gift them their own personal Bags of Holding, to alleviate any inventory needs ever again! All I ask in return for this service is a single egg that I can display in a chalice, and verbal permission for our CEO to enter your realm. For business reasons! (In practice, this is simply something our group does, where every party member gets a Bag of Holding after the first milestone event. It's a twist on the existing idea that a BoH should be standard gear to start with, and feels like a great reward to start a new campaign.)

rollinginthecrits

Shell-o Tortles! For one, birthday cake flavored egg for 40% equity, I’d like to propose the following item that I came up with when listening to the last episode of Tortle Tank while driving home from work. I happily accept any and all critiques and if Murph is so severely anti-birthday that he does not want his egg to be birthday cake flavored, I am willing to negotiate other dessert-based eggs (they cannot contain cheese, I am tragically allergic): The Gambler’s Brew, Very Rare This bottle contains a nebula like liquid, which appears to have a rotating coin in its stars. The subject drinks the liquid and must flip a coin (or DVD if they so choose). If the coin/dvd lands on heads, the user gets 1d4 turns of immunity to all damage types. If tails, the user gets 1d4 turns vulnerability to all damage types. So what do you say? Ready to flip some coins? Or will you flip your fins and swim away from this offer?

simian_typist

Hello most languid and lustrous Tortles, Have you ever thought to yourselves "I wish the Hat of Disguise was worse, but cooler"? No? Well allow me to solve a problem that doesn't exist. I present to you with your very own Cat of Disguise (mine's called Stephen). The Cat of Disguise is a magical cat with a small vest with an attached leash that neatly folds up into the breast pocket. When holding the leash, and with the approval of the cat, you may change your appearance at will (see rules for the hat of disguise). The cat's appearance does not change. As a magical object, the cat is indestructible and ageless. In my dnd world Stephen has become pretty famous, which makes him less useful. No one truly owns a cat, so I can't ask for any eggs, but Stephen has offered to urinate on a cat egg to birth your own Cat of Disguise.

Rob's Wit

HOLD ONTO YOUR SHELLS Tortles... or maybe throw them! This one is for you because I bring to you "LAP THE MAP" a legally distinct version of Mario Kart, but with dice! Here's the gist: 1 Six Space Track 2 Mystery Power Spots that grant a power up. (2nd and 5th spaces) 4 types of dice (d4, d6, d8, d20) Movement and Damage Die: d4 Mystery Box Power Die: d6 Your physical Dicecart: d8 (note - the number facing up represents the lap you are on) Shell Die: d20 To start the game, place your d8 with the 1 facing up at the start line. Everyone roll your d20 Shell Die to see who starts then go clockwise. ________________________________ On your turn: Roll Movement (1d4) Choose Action: - Dash: +1 to your movement - Coast: +0 to your movement - Attack: -1 to your movement activate power up. ________________________________ Mystery Spot Power ups (1d6): 1 - Green Shell: Throw DC: 8+spaces away. On hit: -1d4 from target's next movement 2 - Red Shell: Throw (w/ advantage) DC: 8+spaces away. On hit: -1d4 from target's next movement. 3 - Red Mushroom: +1d4 to your current movement 4 - Golden Mushroom: +1d4 to your current and next turn's movement 5 - Lightning: -1d4 to all other targets' next movements' 6 - Rocket or Blue Shell: -- Rocket: Move immediately to the space behind the leader then roll 1d4 movement. --Blue Shell: Skip the leader's next turn. ---Note: When a 6 is rolled, the effect occurs immediately. All other power ups (1-5) must be activated via the Attack action. ________________________________ I ask not for eggs, but would love an all inclusive one-way trip to Congo Bongo Island. Here's a link to the full rules and a printable map! https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/36kskaiu68zxuub8fkv0n/Lap-the-Map.pdf?rlkey=xhn7jb32eby5l65ehzjs5kuel&st=h7sd9itp&dl=0 https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/36kskaiu68zxuub8fkv0n/Lap-the-Map.pdf?rlkey=xhn7jb32eby5l65ehzjs5kuel&st=h7sd9itp&dl=0

Rob's Wit

END PHASE (optional): First to the finish line takes victory position and sets their die to their Victory Score: the amount of spaces the victor traveled AFTER the finish line. They must survive 1 full round from the other players who can either: - try to deal damage equal to or more than the potential victor's victory score. or - move more spaces passed the finish line than the potential victor.

Austin Tunis

Greetings tortles! I write to share with you a player designed system from my homegame. We've all been there: a smooth talker, a successful persuasion check and a night of....bardic arts. But what about the next morning? I present: Post Nut Clarity! When a PC successfully seduces an NPC, they wake up with a surge of profound self awareness. This grants them a bardic inspiration die (scaled to party level), usable on a roll of theirs before the next long rest. It's like a cosmic "wake up!" from the universe, channeling that unique morning after enlightenment into a vital moment! In exchange for this idea I ask for your littlest cracked eggs and a shout out to my player Kailyn who is the creator of this idea!

Tim S.

Shello, and TANK you for SEAing me on such TORT notice. I have a simple rule that ups the stakes for any underwater encounter. You might not know this, but non-tortle races can't breath underwater (yet another reason for tort supremacy). But D&D rules for drowning in combat are ridiculous, effectively giving no additional stakes to an underwater battle. No more. I propose that holding one's breath is determined by a simple concentration check -- yes, you heard me right, the same check used for concentrating on spells. Every time you take damage while holding your breath, you roll a concentration check using the rules everyone already knows (i.e. half the damage, minimum of 10). You have a number of failures equal to your Constitution modifier (minimum 1) before you start drowning. Once a creature begins drowning, it can survive for a number of rounds equal to its Constitution modifier (minimum 1 round), and loses a round from this count each time it takes damage, no saves. When this count reaches 0, it drops to 0 hit points and is dying. Keep in mind, RAW you cannot regain hit points while drowning, therefore 3 death save passes do not result in you stabilizing, and instead you keep rolling until you die. My reasons are simple: 1. Concentration already scales with Constitution, the natural stat for holding one's breath. 2. The gives a ticking clock that's very real and scary, but still isn't an immediate death sentence. 3. Anything that removes a creature's need to breath (race, magic items, etc) removes the requirement to roll these checks. 4. Any abilities or items that help with concentration checks should help with this -- the reasoning being that it's bolstering your ability to not accidentally let out air when damaged. For my humble rule change I only ask for the full DNA sequencing from one of you so that I can give myself tort levels of underwater breathing. Thank you.

Em_Dragon

That already officially exists, it's the catnap spell

Jen

hey what’s up twilight turtles (vampire joke)! I hope you’re ready to fricking dump all your eggs in one basket, because I got a sick ass gun sword. 2d12 slashing damage but then the player does a CHA check of 15 (or whatever stat you want), on success, the player unleashed their eldritch blast into the target feeling like a gun sword. Bweem bweem bweem!!! I’ll accept no changes or criticism or anything less but eggs for each of my cats (4!). This sword is just fun to play and apart of my armory of absolutely broken late game weapons. Deuces!!!!! I’ll jump out the window as a cool exit with a parachute.

Mica K

Yes! This is a slightly altered version that is only 5th level and conjures a tea party!

Proopypants

Belovéd and be-shelled tortles, I would like to present to you something cool, something exciting, and something with little edge - a homebrew feat: Super Mega Evasion. Super Mega Evasion "gives Evasion but for all saves. Also the person who has it is really cool" My players love this feat. My players crave to add this feat to their nasty little character sheets. If my players could, they'd marry this feat. My players, in fact, created this feat! You will be the most popular DMs around by investing in this feat. You can have it for -100 eggs. Please.

Gabriel Balog

Shello torts, and tank you for the warm shellcome! How many times in media have we seen wizards who fully exaust themselves, to the point of collapsing, to conjure a complex and more powerfull spell? Wizards that put their integritity at risk for a very potent magic? Hence comes my wizard homebrewed subclass: THE EXHAUSTED CASTER ( https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/wgcImhepmQWR ). This wizard is able to augment their spells with "Exhaustive Boost" options, but, after doing so, they must make a CON Save or get a level of Exhaustion, or even get the Unconsious condition if they fail this save on two subsequent turns. With time, this wizard gets more boost options and gains ways to deal with their exhaustion (this subclass uses the 2024 rules for Exhaustion). For a total of 0 eggs, but Shellmily playing this subclass in a oneshot, I'll sell 97,2% of this idea. But yes, if you insist, I will accept a symbolic number of eggs as incentive.

Proopypants

Insane potion, I love it xxx

Em_Dragon

This is really neat actually. I assume that it only counts for the first 1d4 once, and not every time they take a short rest?

The Wizard Syndicate

Good evening Turts thanks for allowing me in the tank today. I’m putting forward an idea that should really be used across every game of DnD, even though it’s currently just a Variant rule. That idea is using skills with different ability scores. Constantly I hear of Barbarians who have to make intimidation checks but don’t feel like they can make it because their charisma is low. Or a sorcerer who can’t roll well on their arcana check because their intelligence is a -2. The rules as written say that these two checks are always intimidation (charisma) and arcana (intelligence) but the variant states that you can change the ability score needed for the skill with the DM’s permission or request. So now your barbarian can intimidate a guard by hoisting him in the air by the throat with an Intimidation (strength) check. Or the Sorcerer can look deep into her arcane bloodline and feel the magic out with an Arcana (charisma) check. This is all balanced by the DM deciding when and how these checks apply, and allow the players more freedom in roll play by playing to their characters strengths when they need it most. For perpetual use of this idea I would request 2 D12 of your juiciest eggs.

Magpie Supply

Shello to the tortles of the tank, I come bearing a table for you to snap(ping turtle, get it?) up. Though I am a staunch believer of the 'Get New Friends' method of tabletop problem solving, occasionally I will find myself with a generally good player getting greedy, or I'll be faced with a loot-happy party during a some-shot campaign. To combat those with grubby fingers and eyes bigger than their pockets, I have compiled the Loot Table With Consequences. (Patent pending). This table is rolled on, as if it is a normal loot table, only for the unsuspecting loot-crazed PC to find their cool item, though somewhat functional, has drawbacks. For access to this table I ask for no upfront payment!!! Only a fair royalty fee of an egg for every five uses of the table! (I know itd be Sketchy of me to just post a link to my spreadsheet, so here are a few quick examples of items, and if the tortles would like the full list to peruse I'd be happy to send it in whatever way is preferable. ) Mermish Boots of Invisibility : Perpetually wet boots that squeak and squish, giving disadvantage to stealth- but do actually make you invisible Giant spiders' silk clothing- Astoundingly finely crafted clothing that give you a +2 on charisma checks, but once put on they are unremoveable because the silk is still sticky, and as they get dirtier they eventually end up giving a -2 to charisma checks Green Sending Stone - A sending stone that has 25 charges of the sending spell that always connects to the person you're trying to message, but every time you use it you have to flip a coin (or cd) and if you fail the coin flip it uses 17 of the 25 words to say "I am downloading Grinch Porn, don't look at me while I cum!"

Em_Dragon

What a fascinating take. I might do this sometime.

Robert Stegmann

Testudine investors, let me set the scene. It is the darkest hour. Half of the party is down, and the rest are on death's door. Our heroes have lost, but that doesn't matter now. They will be luckily to escape with their lives. But maybe, just maybe, one of our heroes can risk it all to save their friends. These moments are some of the very best in stories, where the heroes are faced with an impossible choice or must make a great sacrifice to prevent greater loss. But what if there was a way we could help bring about these campaign defining moments. Introducing the Potion of Desperation. As a free action, a willing creature can consume this potion and restore half of their hit points and spell slots, enough to turn the tide in a battle. However, after one minute, the creature drops to 0 hit points and starts rolling death saves. When rolling death saves under the effect of this potion, nothing outside of a wish spell or divine intervention can heal them or help them with their death saves. If they succeed their death saves, they live but gain three levels of exhaustion. If they fail, they die. I am selling a 50% share of this idea for ten mops of squid eggs.

Gabagooblin

A-shell-amu alaikum Tortles! The simple but effective invention I present today was born of necessity, as I am DMing Tomb of Annihilation for a party that includes a ranger. This has rendered hex crawl navigation checks useless and surprise encounters impossible. So how do we keep exploration interesting and high stakes? Enter: camping checks. At the end of each travel day, the party must roll a group check to find a safe campsite for the night. The party can select the skill (and provide a justification for how that skill will aid them) but must choose as a group. The DC is determined by the terrain or threat level of the area. On a failure, a random encounter is triggered and the party takes a level of exhaustion. Not only does this underscore the inherent dangers of the wild, but also adds stakes to player resource management as they may not be able to count on only having one travel encounter per day. In exchange for a stake in this idea, I am asking for a half dozen eggs to fry up over the campfire.

Lindsay S

Shello torts! I have a simple idea that helps players engage in skill checks in a way that stays true to their characters. Under certain circumstances skill checks may be made with with an alternate stat than what is listed on the character sheet. Are you a druid trying to use grasping vine to hold up a crumbling bridge? Make a wisdom-based arcana check to enhance the supports. Are you a warlock battling your long lost sister, trying to subdue her without attacking? Hug her into submission with a charisma based grapple. A fighter desperately trying to keep a noble busy dancing at a gala while the rouge raids their office? Try a dexterity based performance check to sweep him off his feet. In these instances, wisdom would replace intelligence for arcana, charisma would replace strength for athletics and dexterity would replace charisma for performance; if a character was proficient in these skills, that would still apply. I've implemented this in a few instances, and while it takes a moment to explain my players always appreciate the opportunity to approach a skill check in a new way that reflects their characters abilities. A druid shouldn't be any less skilled in manipulating their spells than a wizard just because Arcana is an intellect based skill, so why not make the skill check with their own spell casting stat during special circumstances? This was inspired by my own request for my warlock character to make the charisma based grapple-hug on her long lost sister. For a 69% stake in my idea I am requesting your roundest egg to keep in my pocket to rub when I'm anxious.

V Vega

Shello Torts. I come with a homebrew rule that i belive keeps combat mobile, more dynamic, and best of all its simple. Moving targets are harder to hit right? As such a character that has moved 30 or more ft in a round gets the benifits of half cover (+2 ac) till there next turn, a character that has moved more than 80ft gets the benifits of 3/4 cover(+5 ac). This will not stack with other cover (its the same benifit) and i feel will incentivise moving away from targets opening up attacks of opportunities. Risk Reward is fun You can have additional effects such as fall damage from falling prone at speed to add additional balance if desired. For this rule i merely ask for 2d20 eggs (rolled after your decision, see risk - reward). Thank you

Patrick

Have you ever wanted to launch an enemy into the distance, a la Team Rocket from Pokemon? Get ready to be shellshocked by Big Slugger! Big Slugger is a very rare, two-handed weapon that requires attunement. Big Slugger is a +2 baseball bat imbued with the magic of live sports. This baseball bat deals a base 2d6 magical bludgeoning damage, as well as an extra d6 of thunder damage for that satisfying *crack*. In addition, you crit on a 19 or 20 when using this weapon. Finally, the key feature- each time you hit a creature that is no more than one size larger than you, they make a strength save to avoid being pushed back 15 feet. On a critical hit, no strength save is made, and the enemy is knocked 30 feet away. Well Tortles, who thinks this weapon… is a grand slam?

rollinginthecrits

I was inspired by the star in Mario Kart but also I wanted there to be consequences

MyrMonkshood

Yeah! Intended to be used on long rests not short rests.

Ash Vance

Shello Tortles! I have a simple one for you that I made for my next campaign: The Cursed Coin of Luck (No, not a DVD). Before you make any roll, you can use this coins magic to gain advantage. The catch? Your next two saving throws and/or attack rolls will have disadvantage. You can not use the coin again until these two instances of disadvantage have been resolved. This is a cursed item, so I am hiding the curse until it comes up. For all the players know, it simply gives advantage on a roll. All I am asking for is a small Tort-loan of half an egg.

Skootsby

Good afternoon Tortles and Bailiff Jake. I bring before you an untested homebrew rule that I've called Journey checks. Journey checks are a special type of skill check, one where the player always succeeds at the end. Instead of rolling a die, players draw from a deck of playing cards. Each red card drawn represents progress towards the goal, while each black card drawn represents some kind of setback (like a loss of time, money, reputation, or even a fight) determined by the DM. The DM also gets to determine how many progress cards need to be drawn to ultimately succeed. Also, skilled characters should be able to mitigate some setbacks, I just haven't thought about how yet. For example, say your party is trying to navigate to a lost city. Instead of doing a series of survival checks with a DC that decreases over time so your players can eventually get there, just do a journey check requiring 10 progress cards, drawn out over the course of an entire session. As players, you know you'll get there in the end, but you don't know how long it might take or what it might cost you along the way. You could draw like shit and end up facing off against countless bandits and monsters, lose supplies, get sick, etc. or you could get quite lucky and arrive mostly unscathed. You can use it for non-travel based checks too (like searching a room for clues or crafting an item), but it's always at the DM's discretion, and I think it works best when total failure isn't interesting. In exchange for this homebrew, I ask that I be allowed to watch your next batch of eggs hatch. I just want to experience the miracle of tortle birth.

Matthew J

Tortles, I would like to lodge a formal complaint. D&D's rules for improvised weapons are severely lacking. To fix this severe issue, I come to you with a table of improvised weapons for D&D, including things like medium sized fruit, chandeliers, garden gnomes, and umbrellas. Because many of these weapons would become ineffective after repeated use, I have also created the new "Fragile" property, which determines the likelihood of the weapon breaking. If the sum of the weapon’s damage dice for an attack is greater than or equal to the number in parentheses beside the property, the weapon breaks immediately after that attack. So, for example, if you hit a target with a wooden chair, the weapon breaks if you roll a 5 or higher on the damage die. This property can also be adapted for rusted or damaged weaponry. The list is attached below. In exchange, I merely ask for one dozen hard-boiled eggs that I can use as improvised weapons against my enemies in real life. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ENZFBovwTsliGNc2MpjqczGIyFKcEE9VDj86N4kIga8/edit?usp=sharing

The one they call Barlo

Shello, Torts of the Tank. I bring you not one, but three magic items. I have players that like to power game and I have players that make truly badly balanced PCs for their own amusement ala Frankie Vantasmo. I made these to help my Frankie's but there were also times players just want to focus on their class without multiclassing while also not trying to break the game. They are simply weapons that allow you to attack with a given mental stat (INT, WIS, CHA) in place of your strength or dexterity. They all have shared characteristics: They are a +1 weapon at lower levels with an option to increase with DM discretion; They all act as a spell casting focus. They also have unique characteristics: The Bitch's Blade lets you use Charisma for attack and damage rolls; you gain proficiency with one charisma based skill of your choice; you know the Vicious Mockery cantrip while attuned to this weapon; equal to your proficiency bonus times a day you can use your Reaction to hurl insults at a creature to add -1d4 to their D20 roll, and then award another creature +1d4 to their next d20 roll. For the price of 3 shiny eggs I will give you this item. For a clutch I will sell you the other two :) Good doing business with ya, Torts! x

Cal

More Dice. IDC how, just do it, please.

Malcolm Leehan

Greetings Tortles. I am here to ask you to invest your eggs in the most dangerous and lucrative event in all of Waterdeep. The Waterdeep Sweeps is an annual three-part race across water, air, and ground where famous factions and notorious crews pilot custom-built, weaponized racing machines. Each ship is unique. Some wield Thunder Cannons or Lightning Harpoons. Others sport tree-sized roots for propulsion or Gorger Saws that can shred through armor. The race is run as three escalating skill challenges at DC 17. Crews must score 7 successes before 10 failures (variable based on number of players and difficulty you want) in water, 5 before 7 in the air, and 5 before 5 on the ground. Players can spend abilities or resources for advantage. Between each skill challenge, the track erupts into a full battle map encounter as rival ships pull alongside or cut you off. These are not just vehicle duels. They are full boarding actions with melee and spell combat between entire crews, fought across the decks of two or more moving vessels until one ship is disabled or driven away. I ask for a solid 60/40 on the proceeds from the yearly race, as well as granting you free advertising space for the first 10 years. Oh and if you die in the race, the officials have you resurrected.

Trouble at the Tavern - A D&D Podcast

Sup Torty McGorty's. May I introduce Morale Cards!! A mechanic that improves the odds of success on future tasks with the success of past ones. Upon rolling a Nat20 on an ability check, the player receives a card from a standard deck of playing cards (Jacks through Kings excluded) that is then placed facedown in front of them and which they can use on a future ability check. Players do not know the card number until they choose to use it. Using a Morale Card is simple. After you make an ability check that you are dissatisfied with, you flip your Morale Card and add its number to the total of the roll. Revealing a joker is an automatic success. Only one morale card can be held at a time. If a player rolls a natural 1 on an ability check, they lose their Morale Card. Morale Cards cannot be used on attack rolls, saving throws, or damage. In exchange for this super rad awesome idea, all I ask for is 1 egg (devilled), a mediocre thumbs up and a piece of moist bread. Thank you.

Mckinlee M

Weapon Speed! Shello my Aquatic Capitalists A big problem I have with weapons in DND is that generally you just pick the higher number weapon and move on. Why ever use a shortsword when you could have a longsword? I present the idea of weapon Speed. Smaller weapons realistically would swing faster than bigger weapons making them equally as viable. I propose that when you make a weapon attack of any kind, if you roll minimum damage, this becomes a "quick strike" and you get to make another attack for free. For example, a dagger would have a 1 in 4 chance of quick striking but a greatsword would only have 1 in 36 chances. I would also accept this in the form of a feat or a weapon enchantment if needed. In exchange, I ask for your fastest egg, whatever that means to you

Jacob Kingsley

Hello to the Shelled Benefactors! I come before you with an item for martial classes who sometimes feel they have no fun skills outside combat. The Monsters field guide is an item that allows a player to prepare and mimic certain monster abilities only a few times a day. For example: after my players fought a disguised statute, the player with the item was given as a potential use of the journal to use her CON stat for a stealth roll as she stood “as still as a statue”. The player has a limited amount of skills they can have prepped per day but can change them out every day. The skills should be watered down so they aren’t as strong but also act as fun callbacks to battles past. For this fun way to engage with the creatures in the world I ask for 1 irradiated omelet so that I myself may become a mutant turtle

Grant

Hello Tortles! Over the years DMing, I've bought several extra books that added new spells to the game. Trouble is, it's hard to incorporate new and interesting spells in the game without overwhelming players with too many options. Not anymore. I'm proposing Spellbooks for All! This isn't just a house rule. I'm also offering a campaign pitch that incorporates the house rule. That's twice the value for your eggs! THE RULE: Under my proposal, every spellcaster gets a spellbook that works like a wizard's. That means everyone stocks spells after a long rest AND everyone can add spells to their spellbooks FOR FREE when they find those spells in play. THE CAMPAIGN: In the campaign, designed for an all-caster party, the primary plot hook is that, seemingly at random, some spells have stopped working and can't be cast anymore. The party has to find working replacement spells, figure out what's causing the spells to stop, and then do something about it before all of magic stops working forever. Over the course of the campaign, more spells, including some the PCs rely on, also stop working. Behind the screen, the DM is rolling on a big list of all the spells in the Players Handbook to find out which ones stop working. Eventually, the DM should add the spells from whatever other sources you have to this list. Rolls for which spells stop working happen at least at every long rest and whenever else the story calls for it. THE ASK: I'm asking for an investment of at least two dozen extra large eggs of USDA Grade B or better. Thank you! THE FINE PRINT: • This rule doesn't change your spell slots or the number of spells you can prepare each day. • A DM running this campaign has an obligation to generously hand out spells as loot. • Some class features are built as spells or modify particular spells, like Hunter's Mark for Rangers, Eldritch Blast for Warlocks, or Mage Hand for Arcane Tricksters. If those spells come up to stop working, be flexible. • This campaign would not be for everyone. For this to work, a DM has to be very upfront with the players about what the campaign is going to be, and players need to be the sort of players who are okay with losing some control over what their characters can do and who enjoy the challenge of making the most of non-optimized situations.

Twisting Deceit

Shello tortles! Are you ever disheartened or let down upon leveling up when you go to look at all your new goodies only to see that you have a simple hp increase? Well this might be the homebrew for you! I'm here in the tank with you to pitch the idea of upgradeable equpiment. And not just weapons! Armor and spellcasting foci as well! I'm making a homebrew campaign for my friends where at the beginning of the campaign they will get to pick a piece of equipment of their choice. Starting at lv 2 and upon every even numbered level their equpiment will level up with them. When the equpiment levels up you roll a d20 and the result determines what upgrade you get. For example, weapons can get things like an extra 1d4 of elemental damage, increasing to a plus 1 weapon (or higher), or gaining a once per day use of a battle master maneuver (such as disarming strike or trip attack). Armor can get things like damage type resistances, +1 to AC, or a once per day use of the shield spell. Spellcasting foci can get increases to spell save DC, an extra lv 1 spell slot, or once per day chance to not consume a spell slot (lv can be determined by the DM). If a player rolls the same number multiple times they can re-roll or receive an upgraded version of what they rolled. I created a full d20 table for each equipment type (weapon, armor, spellcasting) that I will also throw in for free. For a 95% stake in my homebrew, all I ask is for 1,026 eggs whom I will raise to challenge Jake for the position of Bailiff in Dungeon Court, and when Emily is Baliff to be her loyal assistant!

Tykora

Shell-u-tations my good tortles, today i bring you the most useless item i could think of, Behold! "The Luminous Stone" This smooth oval shaped plain rock emits a dim glow within 5ft of it for 5 minutes when you strike 2 of them together. Something to note is this rock is never found in a set, but is a great world and puzzle making tool! In exchange for this semi-useless item all i ask is 9,999 eggs and 1 with purple spots, your practically robbing me at this point!

Alex Widdison

Shello Tortles and get ready to Shell out some eggs! Have you ever wanted to live out your Dark Souls dreams? Well now you can! Introducing.... The Perfect Parry Shield This shield grants a +2 bonus to AC. When an attack hits the users AC exactly, the blow is perfectly parried and no damage is taken. If the parried attack was a melee attack, the attacking creature is thrown off balance and any additional attacks made by the creature are made with disadvantage. Until the parried creatures next turn, attacks made against the creature are made with advantage while it is thrown off balance. I ask for 999.99 eggs to get this idea off the ground and hopefully, into other's campaigns!

Ben Serra

Howdy! I pose... the flashback system! At any time, but ideally in the beginning sessions of a campaign, the DM can prompt a flashback for a player. The flashback is always triggered based on what is currently happening. For example, if the players are boarding a ship, the flashback may begin asking a player based on why they're doing so. If the players are beginning a journey, the DM may ask "When was the first time you left home?". If the players are fleeing some sort of threat, the DM may ask "When was the last time you ran from something?" The player then responds with an answer. The DM then narrates a short, limited scene in the past based on what the player provides. The DM then raises an either-or question to extend the flashback. In the example where the player is fleeing, they may ask. ("Did you board the first ship that would take you, no questions asked, or did you lay low in the docks, waiting for an opportunity?") The player can select an answer, or pose an entirely different twist. The flashback ends after one to three of these choices and maybe one or two skill checks for narrative guidance, ideally taking no longer than 3-5 minutes. The goal of these scenes is to flesh out character motivations, introduce backstory hooks in a collaborative manner, and for other players to begin to understand and relate to the other characters in their group. Allied or villainous NPCs in flashbacks can produce familiar characters in new towns for the DM to pull from, or create shared antagonists, for example, having the same villainous character appear in every characters' flashbacks. For spice, at the end of the flashback, the DM can let the player add +1 to any Skill they don't already have related to the flashback, providing unexpected talents to flesh out a character that you normally wouldn't select to maximize them mechanically. In return for the flashback system, I am requesting $10,000,000 in cash and all the hostages go free.

Gicky

Dear Turtles I bring to you an amazing opportunity to own an emerging and exciting new IP. Still in its infancy with limitless directions it could grow in, the sky is the limit here Turtles. I present to you a half baked idea I never got to implement because my group fell apart: The attacker vs defender system. I always struggled with the idea of AC being a static number, and the way it impacts narration in combat. So often have I heard "that's a miss. You plink! Off the bad guys armor". To me this reads that the bad guy in armor is just standing there while you take a swing and takes no effort to block or parry or dodge. So instead turtles I suggest AC is no longer a fixed number but instead a bonus to be applied to a roll. In combat the attacker would roll like normal, but the defender would also roll and add their AC bonus. This would make hitting and missing more dynamic. A high roll on an attack could be blocked by a higher roll on the defend, or a seemingly low roll on an attack could end up actually hitting if the defender also rolled poorly. There could also be room for a nat 1 or nat 20 on a defend roll to have special effects, such as a nat 1 leading to more damage dealt by the attacker or a nat 20 mitigating all damage. Overall this would lead to more narrative moments in combat and more clutch moments. I have no idea how this bonus would be calculated as again my group fell apart before I could try it. In exchange I am asking for one half baked quiche made from whatever eggs you have left.

slimytrout

Shaloha Tortles, One of my favorite tropes in fantasy (and one of my favorite parts of Trinyvale x Strahd) is the visit to the fortuneteller. I think this trope is criminally underused in D&D, and when it is used (like the Tarokka deck) it’s usually very prescriptive. My pitch is to use it to randomly generate fun story hooks/moments: come up with enough mystical-sounding predictions to fill up a D20 table or two, get your players into a palm-reader’s shop, and then have them roll. If they crit, they get a really good fortune like “In the moment of your direst need, an old friend will be there to rescue you.” Now you (the DM) have an in-universe excuse to even the odds the next time your players are getting whomped. If they get a 5, it’s “You will be forced to give up something important to you for the sake of your quest.” Now the next time you want to take away a busted item or an NPC that the players are dragging along, it will feel prophetic rather than petty. All I ask for this idea is 20 empty eggshells to hide fortunes in.

Paul Giordano

Shello Tortles, I have a pretty simple homebrew rule I've started to use to make combat with NPCs with allies go quicker and smoother. Instead of making the DM juggle another NPC on the field and have turns where the players are doing nothing but watching the DM fight themselves, give the PCs their own lair action where they get to use their allies. The available actions will depend on the allies. If the PCs are working with a healer, they can use the lair action to get some free healing or gain the benefits of the bless spell until the next lair action. A group of archers could make a single attack, or provide covering fire to give a target disadvantage on their attacks. A group of friendly guards could take defensive actions around a vulnerable player, granting resistance on the next source of damage they receive. The NPCs still exist on the battlefield, so if the actions become a problem, the enemies can target the allied NPCs. How vulnerable they are can depend on the campaign. In more brutal campaigns, the NPCs die as normal and the lair actions go away, but in more relaxed campaigns, reducing the allies to 0 hit points could simply cause them to retreat, taking away the lair action, but ensuring the PCs don't permanently lose their friends. Making it a lair action also takes some of the pressure off from the DM, since the players are deciding what they want to do with their allies, and it gives the PCs the chance to play with a mechanic they don't normally have access to. All I ask for is a dozen of your largest hardboiled eggs, which I'll use as a lair action to provide light cover for my allies, or to make a free shove attempt when I roll them at my enemies

AutoReroll

Greetings my delightfully commercial chelonians. I am here to discuss the Flickerfang, a lovely little cursed knife. The Flickerfang is an attuned throwing dagger who allows the user to make a thrown ranged attack with a bonus action and teleport to within 5ft of the target, as long as said target has a soul (this is important). Once attuned however the user feels very attached to this knife and will not give it up willingly, even as they sense the growing malevolent force within it. With every throw, the user must make a DC12 INT saving throw and on a failure the previous user of the knife grows closer and closer. On the 3rd failure the user takes 2d6 psychic damage and is ambushed in the night by a shade. 6th failure is 4d6 and an ambush by an Assassin, 9th failure is 6d6 and the curse ends, but the previous user Varyth Flickerfang (reskinned Githyanki Gish) ambushes the party at night. The item is too powerful not to use (without being broken) and plays into the overconfidence of an assasin character. As the effects spiral out of control, will the dark brooding assassin be proud enough to ask for help, or will they die alone? For my invention I request that you hide an egg on every viable beach in the world to confuse media organisations worldwide.

Panner_Samuel

Turtles, I’ll make this is insanely brief. A dice, with hearts skulls and ones. You roll a heart, the monster dies. You roll a skull? The player dies. You roll a one? Critical failure. But you only use this in dire times. Ten eggs. Deal or no deal. (I used this in curse of Stradh when a character tried to save another PC from being murdered. They rolled a heart and Stradh dropped them, in turn, saving that PCS life. I never heard my table so loud before.)

Hot Karl in the City

Dearest Turtles In exchange for a loan of half of one egg, at -15% APR for 20 years, I present to you: Counterspell Crystals. Counterspell is a great spell for you to use, but can frequently be unfun when the other guy uses it against you as well. That's where Counterspell crystals come in to play. If a caster counterspells something, a sizzling arcane crystal falls exactly between the counterer and the countered. It lasts for 1 hour and if picked up, it can be used as an action to recover a spell slot equal to the countered spell minus 1. Will your mage run towards the front line to grab it before the other guy? Or are they too big of a coward, you giant blubbery baby, to take a risk you magical nerd. (Jake: Please pretend that the list of insults continues for quite some time and then just ends abruptly).

Logan Nash

sup turts, I'm here to revolutionize monk class specifically an item adding ki point regeneration into a weapon, I call it The Meter Stick (better name pending), essentially this will be a weapon similar to a yard stick, liquid is inside the weapon and the monk will use it as their weapon and essentially be a greatclub, but for the cost of one healing potion if you pour it inside it'll mix with the magic inside of the stick and brew a delectable slushie that adds 1d4 to every hit of the attack, drinking from the slushy takes away that 1d4 but gives you back a ki point I was also thinking maybe making it so the higher type of healing potion it is the more Kis You return from it, but you have to pour the liquid in before the battle takes place but you can sip it during combat, And maybe add a usable once a day kind of thing so you can only brew an elixir daily to ensure a bit more balanced to it, also if you guys could think of a better name I'll give you a 33% stake in the company as well as a regular steak in good company to mull over the business deal. without A better name I can only give out 25% and maybe ham and cheese sandwich in OK company to mull over the details.

Rufus of house seal

Hiya turts We all know debuffing/controlling effects can be fun to use but SUCK to have it used against you. So, this item lets you, as a DM, use these effects more freely, letting you challenge your players with something other than damage, while also giving them some interesting choices to weigh up the costs against. So I present to you The Amulet of Burning faith This is an ornate holy symbol in the shape of a pillar of flame, made of shimmering silver seemingly distorted and molded to the shape of the inside of a hand. This amulet allows a cleric an extra chance to break free from any status condition that hinders them such as blinded, deafened, paralyzed, incapacitated, charmed, or frightened etc. If affected by any said condition you may activate this amulet and roll a save with advantage at the start of your turn, instead of your regular save at the end of your turn. However, the amulet boils in their hand in an attempt to snap them back to their senses. Thus dealing their proficiency-bonus worth of hit dice as radiant damage to themselves (this is the only way i could think to make the damage scale. Totally open to this being reworked :)). This gives them an extra chance to avoid being debuffed at a dangerous price! Im selling this for one nuffin noise from Lord jake because of the ‘love you all discount’ <3

Alexandra Ferguson

Shello tortles! I bring you a homebrew potion, specifically built for an action-movie inspired modern vertical dungeon one shot: Magic Meth. Magic Meth comes in a bandolier of 6 vials containing a sickly yellow liquid. As a bonus action, a vial can be crushed and the vapour inhaled, which grants the consumer the effect of the haste spell for one round. In following rounds, players may consume another vial for the same effects. At the end of their first unaffected turn, they must make a con save (DC10 + vials consumed since last long rest). On a fail, they take D6 * vials consumed necrotic damage and are knocked out for a round. On a success, they take half damage and are knocked prone. In exchange for just one lil hit (or 60% stakes, whatever you prefer), I’ll take 750 eggs and a non-liable position in the company.

Lili McGee

Shell-o oh armored ones! Do you have a table that’s desperate for magic items all the time but don’t want to give your table everything they want for fear of overpowering them? I give you the Blue Diamond of Dion. This blue diamond is encased in a gorgeous silver casing with a silver chain. It was once owned by renowned bard, Celine, who went through a loss so great, she stored all of her sorrow into the jewel, so she could live freely and only tap into her sorrow when she needed it. Upon wearing the necklace, the wearer becomes overcome with a sadness that feels like they might drown and immediately starts crying. When wearing, all checks are made with disadvantage because what is even the point. For this magic item, I ask for two tortle eggs buried in warm white sand so they’re all snuggly.

J. Griffin Hughes

Tortles, I bring to you a question: is it possible for players to be too cautious, too tactical? While plenty of DMs long players who give more of a damn about their world, its lore, and their characters than just making dick jokes, the fact is some players can take their survival so seriously that they never take any big swings. How can a DM invite such surly curmudgeons to get playful again, and interject some excitement back into their adventures? I offer to you one solution: The Claws of Chaos. The Claws of Chaos could take multiple forms. My current campaign has them as strange markings that appeared on their bodies at various points in their lives. But the magic of the Claws of Chaos could be contained in draconic runes along the edge of a blade, an amulet in the image of Tiamat, or a potion containing a single drop of her blood. Once per long rest, utilizing a Claw of Chaos allows a character to cause a single Attack Roll, Save, or Skill Check to result in a success or failure, per their choosing. However, immediately after, the player must roll a Wild Magic Surge. The promise of a guaranteed result can entice even the most jaded veteran under the right circumstances -- like a vital third Death Save after 2 previous failures or forcing an important villain to fail a Wisdom Save versus their Hold Person spell. Having an association with Tiamat also evokes in players the fear of being screwed over by a "monkey's paw" type of deal, and the risks of a Wild Magic Surge are potentially lethal,as we all know. However, they are not as cataclysmic to a campaign as, say, the Deck of Many Things. This makes them a more reasonable gamble, so crusty old grumps can face their fears and embrace unknowable possibilities. In exchange for the development and distribution rights for the Claws of Chaos, I request from each of the interested Tortles a single egg and cheese bagel made with sliced provolone and their most freshly laid egg. Thank you.

Casey Gibson

To our terrifyingly terrffic terrapin tyrants, and Tim. I humbly prostrate myself before your tortleful tower, to tell truthful tales of this tailored table...rule, called Critical Saving Throws. The rule is simple, when making a Saving Throw that would deal damage, if you roll a Natural 1 you will take an additional damage die. But if you roll a Natural 20, instead of the normal and boring half damage of a successful save, you instead take quarter damage. I've been running this rule at my table for years to great success and enjoyment from my players. For this rule which serves to make your twenties more titillating, and your ones tenfold more troubling all I ask for is a .000001% stake in NADDPOD or a single egg covered thesaurus as I ran out of "T" words. Thank you

Noah Madden

Hello Tortles. I bring to you a simple, but effective idea. Have you ever had a rules-lawyer little twerp at the table snitches on one of your players when they make a mistake and gets one over on the DM? Usually at my table, the guilty party does this completely on accident, but it always feels kinda bad when the snitch tattles, it makes them feel bad, even though they were just trying to make the game more enjoyable. I have implemented a rule I am now calling the Snitches Inspiration Bank. It is a party inspiration bank that holds inspiration. It can hold up to 3 points of inspiration, and they can only be acquired when someone snitches on someone else. Anyone in the party can use them. I have found that at my table this alleviates the sting of the snitching, and in fact encourages more fair rulings in the future, because people want the inspiration points. I am asking for one giant fertilized, fused egg. Thank you.

Dr. Eggman

Dropping off some more eggs for y'all 🫱🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🫲

Proopypants

Thank you Dr Eggman 🙏

Herr Fryer

Toble Nortles I offer you a rare and wondrous magic item. The Monologuicutor - how often as a DM has your BBEG tried to deliver an evil speech only to be attacked halfway through by PCs? Enter the Monologuicutor (patent pending). When your BBEG starts speaking you start a timer. A dramatic mist and mood lighting surrounds the BBEG and everyone within 60 feet. As long as you don’t pause for more than three seconds your BBEG is under the effect of an advanced sanctuary spell that requires a DC 20 wisdom saving throw with disadvantage to overcome. However to prevent over eloquent DMs, for each minute they talk each PC can recover either a hit die of hit points, class skill point (eg Ki) or their lowest level used spell slot. The DM gets to have their moment and players get more stuff to then pummel the BBEG with. Everyone wins. I would like exactly 4 eggs and once small slice of sourdough.

Jonathan Nichol

Hear ye, hear ye! Crit is now in session, I come before the turtle judges and the lovely baliff Blake to offer you the idea of what I call the bargaining chip! This idea is mostly for new players and dms in which each player is given a chip to cash in at any moment to break the rules in exchange for a bargain on the dms side for example "I would like to cast misty step on someone else instead of me in exchange for all my spells slots." These chips could be cashed in at anytime once per arc to insensitivise players to create more dramatic moments and what dm doesn't like a good last ditch bargain from players. All I ask is a small loan of 100 eggs, while you Tortles receive 100% of the merchandise profits. Thank you judges!

Toastied-Ghosty

Hello torts, I offer you a truly cursed object developed in a tortle think tank start up between me and my players. It is called the armor of perception because it so greatly impacts the way you are perceived. The Armor of Perception Light Armor (plastic) AC 18 + DEX No attunement required This armor is made of a translucent green plastic-like material. Your body can be seen beneath the material, making any clothing worn under the armor invisible. Your body has a bright fluorescent green hue (like Mountain Dew). As you move in the armor you make a sloshing sound. If the material of the armor is compromised, such a pierced or doffed, it makes a hissing sound, like opening a bottle of soda. For modesty, there are plush heads of dragons and/or kobolds where your nipples and genitals would be visible. These plush heads are all a different color from one another. They are a mix of chromatic, metallic, or gem colors. The eyes look like plastic googly eyes. The heads seem to be attached with hot glue and are slightly askew. The appearance of this armor cannot be altered or hidden in anyway. For example, if you cast a spell like disguise self, whatever form you take will be wearing this armor. This feature also supersedes shape shifting, to include wild shape and polymorph. The armor is so garish, it gives disadvantage on all social interactions. Your mere presence in this armor makes others want any interaction with you to end immediately. Your party members also receive disadvantage on social checks for their association with you. The most incredible thing about this armor is that it does not impose disadvantage on stealth checks. You are immune to acid damage. After creating this, I offered it to my players to use in the campaign, in a gesture of good will and partnership, they declined. So now I come to you knowing this idea will be in good fins. I ask for only three eggs, to cover nipples and genitals for modesty, and that you do guerrilla social media marketing to ensure it appears on every feed so that my players will be constantly reminded of the investment they could have had.

Baron Trousers

Wasup naughty torties, I know we’ve got a busy day ahead, eating lettuce and breathing out of our buttholes (I hear thats a turtle thing). So, I’ll get right to it and won’t waste your time. How many times have you desperately wanted to blackmail a Gelatinous Cube, start a small business with a Wyvern, teach a Griphon to appreciate art, or ask a Gibbering Mouther if they dream, only to realise that you can’t communicate with them? Don’t you love it when you cast speak with animals on a random critter and force your DM to come up with a silly little voice. There are spells that allow you to speak with plants and animals, but what about oozes? monstrosities? aberrations? Well, I have the magic item for you. No longer will your monstrous musings go unanswered with the Belt of the Monsters Call. It’s basically a belt that gives you a +3 bonus interacting socially with dragons, monstrosities, aberrations, plants, elementals and oozes incapable of speech. Also, once a day you can use the belt to understand one of these types of creatures, the same way you can speak to animals. The product is 90% there, but we just need to work out some of kinks. Many of our beta testers have unfortunately formed romantic attachments with Cockatrice. I’m looking for a single egg, soft-boiled, in an egg-cup, with some toast cut into little soldiers.

Gabrielle

Hi. My idea is the curse of the monkey’s paw. A player can cast this curse on any creature (most likely an enemy, I guess) and, for the duration, any damage that the cursed creature inflicts on others will also be inflicted upon themselves. For example, if an evil wizard was cursed in this way and they hit a PC for 30 damage, the evil wizard would also take 30 damage. This might create some interesting gameplay, but it has never been playtested, so I really can’t say for sure. Now, I don’t play D&D, so I have no idea if this is already a thing or if it exists in some similar form. Because of my inexperience, this idea hereby belongs to whoever can prove they possess the ingenuity and business acumen necessary to strike it big.

Cameron Currie

Oi, Here it is social dice. When travelling or resting players can reach into a pile of d6 to claim one to apply to their next role. All they need to do is interact socially with the other players - usually asking questions about them in most cases. This has changed our usual game drastically and we now have an abundance of side quests lined up based of characters back stories that likely never would have been uncovered otherwise. Best of all they are organically made from the players themselves all in their efforts to min max for the next encounter. Have I solved the power gamer social gamer divide in one move? To find out all I ask is for a chameleon egg for my son who is currently obsessed.

Grace Holland

Hello Torties, my idea is very simple. I cant keep up with magic items but I can keep up with feats. So in situations where I would get loot I instead implore dms to give a feat! If this feels op then you can exclude any gains to ability scores and just give me the skill like lip reading or climb speed. For this fantastic idea, I request ONE MILLION EGGS for a 30% stake. I'm willing to budget to 50% but that's my hard line.

Lorelei and Kyra Newly Weds

Greetings, hello, ciao, hola and salutations tortles tis I, Lorelei the succubus here with a hip new way to fuck up a party. Are you tired of trying to have a cinematic escape where a party of adventures are fleeing from poison darts or hunted by a crazed assassin or hit man? Want to scare your party by kidnaping a player? Well here's a way to help. Introducing the "Tranquilized" Mechanic. Honestly its quite simple to explain. When a target is hit by poison meant to incapacitate, instead it still have the save and damage, but instead of registering it as hit point damage instead subtract from a pool equal to your hp or add up like temp HP, when you pass your saving throw you take half still and when you fill you take the full. When your pool hits or passes your max HP you are incapacitated for the duration. You can obviously boost the poisons and adjust the save DCs to match CR and stakes. But with that all said, I'm looking to sell 69% of my idea for all of Murphs eggs for this and the next tortles tank. If that isn't doable I will also settle for one of the stray cats. Thank you for your time, I poisoned all your drinks, have a good night

Rob T

Shello Tortles. I will not chortle. I present to you the Great Frying Pan. A weapon that acts like a great ace but with bludgeoning damage. During a short rest you can cook food that gives 1 to 2d4 temp hp on a tools check for you and your party. For the Tortle that wants to RP a Chef. I am looking 1 carton of eggs on a monthly basis over a 5 year period

Rennifer

Hello Tortles, and the littlest Tortellini, Jake. My pitch is the Grifting Sorcerer: a “sorcerer” who’s actually just a scam artist with a stolen stack of spell scrolls and a dot-matrix Xerox machine. Instead of wild magic surges, they roll on a disaster table, because they are a sloppy scam artist. Here’s how it works: any time they cast a spell, they roll a d20. On a 1, they accidentally use the wrong spell, and the intended spell is replaced with a completely different one from their stolen collection. For example, they try to cast Healing Word on a friend, but they accidentally pull out a copy of Fireball. Whoops. If the table doesn't work, we can just make this a DVD flip somehow. As payment, I don’t want an egg. I just want to play a round of Fortnite with your most formidable tortle Kakashi sensei. Driplessly yours, Eddy

DBot

Good day Tortles. I come with a unique opportunity for the discerning investor. I present: The Mecur-i-all elixir. This healing potion is not for the faint of heart, but with great risk comes great reward. Once the potion is taken, the player rolls a D6. On a 6 the potion acts as a Superior healing potion (8d4+8), a 5 is 6d4+6, continuing down to 2d4+4. On a 1, the player looses one hit point, or fails a death saving throw. I know you are asking yourselves, why would someone pick this potion over a sure bet? It might be the thrill of gambling. It might be the chance to let the dice tell the story. Most likely, it’s that they retail for 5 GP less than a traditional potion of healing. Tortles, I am offering 49% of my company in exchange for 5 eggs, and a comprehensive legal liability plan, for the inevitable player lawsuits.

Jason Crandell

Tortles, I give you “the dice exchange” a simple idea to increase dice variety and fun table bonding. Good for a holiday; or to murphs chagrin, a birthday. Each player buys a set of dice and exchanges one die with another player. Bonus points if there is 7 people in your group. I ask for 7 different shaped eggs for payment please and thank you.

David Kays

Shello Tortles! I have a small but interesting change to the "frightened" condition. I only ask for a single brave little egg in exchange. The proposed change is called "fight or flight." On a failed save against being frightened, the creature rolls a second time, 11-20 is fight, 1-10 is flight, (or you can flip a CD to determine the fight or flight behavior.) On a "fight" condition the creature must use all action economy to try and destroy the frightening object/creature while on a "flight" works the same as the prior "frightened" condition. This change can be added to phobias characters have for roleplay fun or just for the startled experience of "eeww!!! A Spider!!! Kill it!"

FusRohNahSon

Shello Turtles, I have a simple proposition for DM! Ever needed your squishy spellcaster to have a few layers of protection from your PCs who could run through the evil wizard if they got within 5 feet of them? Might I offer the Scroll Gun? Much like a "Money Gun" that rich people use to make it rain fat stacks, this tool will shoot dozens if not hundreds of scrolls onto the battlefield. The size and area affected is determined by the DM, as well as the range. The "gun" will fire the scrolls creating an area of difficult terrain, additionally, creates a chaotic magic miasma above the field, causing any projectiles to be fired at disadvantage if entering the field at any point, and could be redirected to a random location. When a creature walks 15 feet in the field, they must make a dexterity save or they will activate a random scroll (A random spell generator) varying from levels chosen by the DM. I request a lifetime supply of Eggs Benedict, personally cooked by that guy at the diner I go to. P.s. Ill add a REAL and TRUE (actually) story how I used this vary device and had an amazing session with my party

FusRohNahSon

So, after a bit of shennanigans, my players had defeated my evil miniboss' henchmen and had cornered the man himself Denny. Yes I had used Denny as a cowardly evil spellcaster who used the spell scroll gun. Longer story short, the Bard of the group, a middle aged Nu-Metal washed-out guitarist , activated a random scroll, Summon Greater Demon, extremely fitting. I changed the music to some heavy metal with a shrilling guitar, just like the bard played. After the "Balrog" had slammed Denny like a sock puppet, Denny, barely alive, casted "Dominate Monster", and took control of the Balrog. The Wizard, an elegant, studious, and snobby high elf, activated a scroll trying to gain distance from the Balrog. The Spell? Summon Greater Celestial. I changed the music from the heavy metal to some angelic choir and narrated a Unicorn emerging infront of the Balrog. At this point yall, I was tired of the battle and thought, "Well he's dead before his turn anyway" and ended it with the unicorn casting a 5th level "Dispel Evil and Good", popping the Balrog out of existence. The unicorn then trampled Denny to death! :)

Mnixon

thank u mr jake

Papervirse

Hey there *scute*ie patooties. I come to you on my fins and knees with a shocking new idea. Everyone loves a fantasy spelling of a name: Roxa becomes Rah'ōxah. Jake becomes Jah’ekhe. But this gag has become common and lost its edge. It’s time to mix things up with Fantasy Pronunciations™. Imagine your players are pursuing the cult of a devil so evil that all written records of its name have been destroyed. From your pronunciation, they assume it must be spelled something awesome, like Pho’khaas. They explore a long forgotten temple where, carved in ancient lettering, is the devil’s true name… Fuck Ass. Not only do Fantasy Pronunciations™ make for such perfect comedic reversals, but they also provide a compromise for problem players that insist on immersion-breaking gag characters. Sure, you can play an orange Tabaxi named Garfield, so long as you only ever call him Gair-feld. Two bald gnome scientists named Dr. Evil and Mini-Me? How about we call them Dreevil and Mynamee. This way the player gets their little chuckle every time they look down at their character sheet, but your NPCs don’t have to constantly reference cartoon characters. Everybody. Wins. Tortles, in exchange for a 90% stake in this idea, I ask for one carton of eggs that have each been carefully opened and filled with confetti. Thank you very much for your time. (Only if there is time) With my remaining 10% I would just like to keep my dwarven landlord NPC who has a perfectly respectable name for a mountain dwarf: Bigass Deephole. Which is, of course, pronounced like “Bygus.”

Nathan

Shello Tortles I have a new roleplaying opportunity for you: a wound mechanic. This simple addition creates lasting story moments and unique roleplay by adding wounds to your character's HP pool. Instead of a PC having just 50 hit points, they would now have 5 wounds and 10 hit points. When a player loses those 10 hit points, they lose one wound. This triggers an injury and restores their health back to 10. They are now left with 4 wounds, 10 hit points, and a new injury or scar to tell all their friends about. You can customize injuries based on the damage type a character receives. Imagine acid burns, weeping sores from poison or necrotic damage, broken fingers, or lost ears. Give wounds to the big bad or prominent enemies, leaving them with lasting impressions from their last encounter with the party. Go on side quests to heal a lost limb, or nurse a grudge for a grievous injury. The roleplay possibilities are endless. This rule can also be fully reworked to best fit the story you're trying to tell. Instead of 5 wounds and 10 hit points, it could be 2 wounds and 25 hit points, or however many the party would like to include. This modest rule change could be all yours for the low price of launching a twitchy egg into space in memory of the RPG Mothership, which inspired this rule.

Samantha Shaw

Shello Esteemed Tortles, I tread water before you today with a pitch that's sure to bring out the former horse-girl in anyone. When PCs obtain mounts (horses, star serpents, doomed rams, etc), they can make animal handling checks at the end of each full in-game day spent with the mount to bond with it and unlock cool mechanics that make sense for the campaign setting. Examples I've used include being able to whistle for the mount from greater distances and gaining advantage on checks/saves made while riding. Successful checks lower the DC of subsequent attempts (I.e. DC 16 on night 1, 14 on night 2, and so on) as the bond between mount and rider grows stronger. I've found that these mechanics contribute to enhanced roleplaying and encourage players to use mounts in creative ways. They're also easily customizable for different parties and campaigns. I'm open to ideas on how to fine tune this and seek a modest 2 eggs for my balanced breakfast.

Zachary Michael

Greetings Tortles, Long time listener, first time writer. Pleasure to be in the tank. I bring to you a home brew rule for stealth that I think makes sense and adds more stakes based upon the players decisions. To be quick, basically when a player makes a stealth check, they can declare whether they’re attempting to hide from everyone, or from a specific person. If hiding from everyone, play like normal. If hiding from a specific person, however, roll a D20 twice. The higher of the two rolls goes towards your stealth against that specific person. The lower of the two goes towards your stealth against the rest of the world. The idea being it’ll be easier to hide from one person/group if willing to be seen by uninvolved people. Perfect for tailing someone through a busy market, or perhaps risking discovery while trying to eavesdrop in a castle. I’m willing to sell this rule outright for the low cost of 12 eggs!

sarfs

Hey Torts! Picture this: you’re playing a cleric, druid, or some other support class. You’ve got dozens of great spells to choose from and cool moves you’re dying to make. But when push comes to shove, you just can’t justify casting anything but old, reliable Bless, or some other support spell to buff your party. Well, then, do I have the item for you! Introducing the Concentration Concentrator, and item that will allow you to maintain concentration on two spells at once. At least one of the two spells must be a buff spell (which your DM can arbitrate). When the second concentration spell is cast, rather than immediately dropping concentration on the current spell, roll a concentration check equal to 10 plus the first spell’s level. On a failure, you lose concentration on the first spell but are able to cast the second. On a success, you can concentrate on both spells. Each time you take damage or are otherwise forced to make a concentration check, roll concentration for each spell separately. To maintain balance, I am willing to workshop an additional small penalty to make dual concentration harder—for example, adding the level of the spell being concentrated on to each concentration check DC. In exchange for 50% stake in this great idea, I’m requesting 1 egg from each Tortle per quarter, in perpetuity.

Q'Salvester

Sup Turts, I have a new proposal for a coin flipping, or perhaps even DvD flipping magic item. The item is called the Coin of Fate, once per long rest one party member can call before any roll of the D20 to instead flip the coin, on a heads the result is a nat 20, and on tails it is a nat 1, if the coin results in a nat 1 there should be additional negative consequences even if there would not usually be as a result of the normal dice roll, a nat 20 from the coin is still not an auto success on anything that would be impossible to achieve I am seeking 1 egg containing a book recommendation or 3 bit coin in exchange for 47% of this magic item

Papervirse

This is cool. Though I think completely overcoming the frightened condition during "fight" is a bit OP. I think it would be fair enough to get rid of the movement restriction that the condition imposes, but would it be possible for the "fighting" creature to still have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks?

David Kays

Sorry for forgetting to add that, fight would still have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks just a compulsion to attack instead of runaway. My brother-in-law has this experience in real life regarding arachnids. He either has to avoid them completely or do whether he can to destroy them immediately.

Papervirse

I like this! I hope Jake chooses it! I my not loop in Dragons myself though, aren't they usually capable of intelligent speech in draconic and often in common as well?

Baron Trousers

Most dragons are capable of speech yes! But their are a handful of lesser dragons such as Wyverns, Drakes and Dragonnels that can't communicate with most PCs by any means. When I first came up with this item it was because there was not way for our monk to chat with his pet Wyvern. So it includes dragons to cover those bases.

CSpider31

Shellom, tortles! I'll get right to the pitch here. Do you want to know if Dice Christ is blessing your damage dice as well as your D20s? Or do you want to have a risky but powerful AoE effect when Dice Christ blesses your martial character with a critical hit? I present to you two different versions of one item for you to choose from. Presenting: the Bursting Greatsword! Version 1 is a +2 greatsword that enhances critical hits. When you land a critical hit, if you roll max damage on any of the damage die, you can roll an additional damage die for each max value rolled. This also applies to any additional die you roll. So for clarity, if you land a critical hit and roll 3 6s on the crit, you roll 3 additional d6s. And if one of those extra d6s is another 6, you roll another d6. Version 2 is, again, a +2 greatsword, but with a much more bombastic effect. When you land a critical hit, after rolling damage for your attack, you can choose to cause the blade to explode, dealing 8d6 magical slashing damage to everyone within 30 ft of the sword who fails a Dex saving throw (DC 15) or half as much on a success. Creatures within 5 ft of the greatsword have disadvantage on the saving throw. The blade reforms when you finish a short rest holding the hilt. I am open to any suggestions and changes the wise tortles have for either version of this weapon. I humbly ask for 2 eggs from each of you and a large aquarium delivered on the back of four elephants on the back of a giant turtle floating through space. Thank you kindly.

Adarakins and Kelsidy

To the esteemed Tortle Sharks. Here is the missing piece from the dating game. The role to fall in love (as borrowed from Legendlark.) You take a D20 with you on every first date. When they reply to your role with a confused or bewildered look, roll again with disadvantage. When your date replies with, “can I give you the help action” or some other DND reference, roll again with advantage. All I asked, for this idea is one fertilized egg that I may raise a turtle as my own baby after I finally succeed in rolling a Nat 20 to fall in love. #IBelieveInDiceChrist.

David Kays

Apologies, I think I replied to the post instead of you. Your clarification was very helpful.

Old Nog

Torts I’ll keep this short and sweet, I know what I have and I know what it’s worth: beginners luck: any player who has never played dnd gets 1d6 luck points (rolled with advantage) for their first session. This serves the purpose of teaching advantage and disadvantage and giving a brand new player more chances to have badass moments. Any player who has played but is new to the table gets 1d4 luck points (no advantage) this allows a person new to a group to have a good time and takes the pressure off those early poor roles. I am seeking 10% of all future eggs hatched after the implementation of this rule but I am open to haggling and tweaks. So torts, are you feeling lucky?

Daan Henselmans

Greepins and shellutortions! I come to you with a fix for an injustice that was baked into the game itself. In older editions of D&D, players would gain max HP by rolling their class hit die when leveling up. For those who want to play D&D but are just a little chicken, an option was added in 5e to take the average, for a more even, balanced, and predictable experience. Tortles, I don't object to players taking the average: to each their own. The problem is that this average is always rounded up (a d8 resulting in an average of 5), making it the strictly better option mathematically. This means that those who prefer to submit themselves to the whims of fate and roll for their HP are at a minor but not insignificant disadvantage (losing out on an average of 5 HP by level 11, an entire level's worth for some characters). Tortles, I present a fix that is as humble as it is straightforward: those brave adventurers willing to face Dice Christ head on and roll their HP gain 1 bonus HP every odd level they do so. This evens the playing field, no longer punishing players for wanting to roll dice. For this simple idea I ask for a grandiose price of one gadzillion eggs and a Scrooge McDuck-style money bin to keep them in.

Sof

Ever Dm:ed for players who wants the drama, begs for the drama, but they all are silly little gooses who cant help but crack a joke? I present to you, my homebrew rule: Silence. A dm can before or during a scene declare Silence, this means any other who aren't involved in the scene aren't allowed to interrupt, in or out of character (foremost out if character). I recommend creating a Silence pin (clothing pin with a small sign sticked to it that says silence) to put on your dm screen, in combination with a clearing of the throat for a discrete but effective Silence announcement. For this i want nothing but your praise. Thank you

Niklas G

Roll to Defend! Greetings supreme tortles, I have an investment opportunity for the brave tortles, who are ready to grab destiny by the shell and an eagerness to roll for their own fate. With this mechanic you can wave goodbye to evil DMs critting and killing you, and instead take the responsibility for yourself! Here is how it works: Defense DC = 12 + monsters to hit bonus Players Defense Bonus = AC – 10 The attacked player simple rolls a d20 against the DC using their Defense Bonus, a 20 always resulting in a dodge/block/parry, while a 1 will be a crit against the player. This pairs extremely well with using average (or pre-rolled) damage of monsters, since you can quickly tell each player how many attacks to roll for and divide up the burden. Example: Hardwon is wearing full plate armor (18 AC), this gives him a Defense bonus of +8 (18 - 10). He is being attacked by a normal orc (+5 to hit), which means the Defense DC is 17 (12 + 5). Hardwon rolls to defend, he gets a 9 on the die resulting in a 17, just enough to block! The orc almost gets through Hardwons defenses, but he manages to push the orcs axe to the side and gets ready to counterattack! Thanks for listening to my pitch. For a 49% stake, all I ask for, is one of your finest yolks, you can keep the shell.

Niklas G

Greetings supreme tortles, Here is a quirky spell you might like. I am asking for two kraken eggs in exchange for a controlling stake. Trick’s Guy 3rd level conjuration • Casting Time: 1 action • Range: 5 feet • Components: V • Duration: Concentration, Up to 1 hour • Classes: Bard, Sorcerer, Warlock, Wizard You speak a magical word and humanoid appears out of thin air beside you. You choose the humanoids race and general appearance. The humanoid believes it is a real person with a real background of your choice, it does not know it was summoned by magic, instead it tries rationalize how it got there. The humanoid uses the stats of a commoner. The humanoid is friendly to you and creatures you designate. It obeys your spoken commands, moving and acting in accordance with your wishes without thought of why. When the spell ends, the humanoid disappears and suddenly as it appeared. At Higher Levels: If you use a spell slot of 5th level or higher, the Duration is 8 hours. If you use a spell slot of 7th level or higher, the Duration is 24 hours. If you use a 9th level spell slot, the spell lasts until it is dispelled. Using a spell slot of 5th level or higher grants a Duration that doesn't require Concentration.

Morgan

Stand and deliver! Your eggs or your life! The Ostentatious Raimant of Guillaume Varro were the various belongings of the titular gnomish hero of The True Impossible Tales of the Legendary Thief Guillaume Varro, Who's Like was Never Seen Before nor Since in This Land or Any Other. (This is a manual of quickness of action full of any Lore™ you like) Each piece of this set is found on thieves working for your villain or villainess of choice. By killing these thieves and looting their bodies, an aspiring Gnomish thief can quickly become, himself, legendary. Each piece on its own is a handy magic item; Guillaume Varro's Jeweled Gloves just Gloves of Thievery with a minor curse making you pick pockets as if you hands had a mind of their own! and the Flashing Sword of Guillaume Varro is a +x rapier with the light property which you can use to pick locks (very swashbuckling). His belt and feathered hat do something cool too! You figure it out! The trick being that all the items together will only ever take one attunement slot, because they belong as a set. “But that's broken!” I hear you say, “with so many awesome magic items my player would quickly become the greatest thief in the world! Robbing scholars and fisher barons everywhere! Despoiling the cities! No impenetrable vault would be safe! No other thief would be his equal!” And to that I say: for the low low price of every egg in your treasury, you too can give the Gnomish thief in your party a campaign they will never forget. You may as well take it, because I already stole the eggs and replaced them with porcelain facsimiles! They weren't cheap! I think I turned a loss on this robbery! Haha!

Adriana

Hello Tortles! I hope your day is going swimmingly. Have you ever been playing a martial character with low dex and therefore terrible ac just waiting for the day your dm gives you plate armor so you and the rouge are no longer just as easy to hit? Well let me introduce you to “Plot Armor”! Plot armor is a feat you can take that allows you to get a plus 2 ac boost whenever a party member of yours drops to 0 hp. It’s a great feat for martial characters who are here to make the last stand and take the big hits. I currently use it as my oath of crown paladin in my current campaign and we flavor the reasoning to be as the battle gets tougher I’m emboldened by the need to protect my friends. Its also a great way to make the back half of difficult long combats feel a little more engaging and add a little more hope to what is usually quite a sad moment. In terms of balancing we don’t usually let it count more then once per party member (so if your wizard keeps going down and popping back up it doesn’t get wild fast) and it hasn’t affected our propensity to heal party members (no one’s letting themselves or others drop for my ac boost). All I’m asking in return is one of your eggs (poached) and wwe fact from murph. Tank you for your time

Mark R

Surf’s up my turt-dudes, hope you’re catching sick waves and your shells are wet and polished. I come before you with the Scimitar of the Scoundrel. This cursed weapon appears on top of a pile of decaying bodies with a teleportation circle above it. When a turt picks it up, they must make a DC 20 wisdom saving throw. If they fail, the blade forces the turt’s flipper to wraps and binds to the handle, becoming a part of their arm. The turt can make the check again at the beginning of their next turn. If they succeed, the scimitar teleports back to the pile of bodies. When being used, the magical blade lowers the turt’s max HP to 1. However, it has a +5 to attack, raises your AC by 5, and deals 12d12 + 40 magical slashing damage on a hit. Also, the turt cannot use any other weapon or cast a spell while holding the weapon. If the turt dies while holding the weapon, the body of the turt and the scimitar teleport back to where the blade was found, cloaca and all. I proudly ask for 30 pristine eggs to add to my hatchery. May the great Lion Turtle above give you calm seas and a fresh patch of kelp. P.S. can be exchanged for any weapon, but scimitars are gnarly.

PJ

Shello Turts! If you're like me, you've noticed an untapped market in the world of spellcasting: dark magic. I present to you a spell that will capitalize on this gap in the market. Life Swap 5th level Necromancy Casting time: 1 minute Range: touch Target: A creature that has died in the last 24 hours Components: V S M (100gp worth of gemstones and 1 incapacitated humanoid which the spell consumes.) Duration: Instantaneous Classes: Cleric, Paladin, Druid, Warlock You touch a humanoid that has died within the last 24 hours. That humanoid returns to life with the number of hit points that the component has upon casting the spell, up to the target's max HP. If the number of hit points the target receives is equal to zero, the target returns to life incapacitated but stable. This spell can't return to life a creature that has died of old age, nor can it restore any missing body parts. I am asking for 666 eggs for this spell that is sure to make a splash.

Brent

Tortles, I'd like to pitch an idea to represent the workings of luck and fate in the D&D world: A series of coins, tokens, DVDs, etc. will be placed within view. At the beginning of every session, each player rolls a D20 that will bring good or bad luck to the party. Each player that rolls an 11+ adds their coin on heads (boon). Each player that rolls a 10 or below places their coin on tails (bane). If a player rolls a 1 or a 20, they'll place two coins of the corresponding face. In pivotal moments players can turn a coin from boon to bane to grant themselves advantage or give the party a circumstantial benefit like finding a rock outcropping perfect for granting half cover, finding the perfect raven to use Speak with Animals on, or potentially redirecting a neutral environmental effect to an enemy. The DM on the other hand will turn a bane to boon when big enemies use legendary actions. They can also turn a bane to boon without telling the players what happened to raise the stakes when an NPC takes an action against the party in secret. In return, all I ask is for All I ask for in return for this idea adapted from another RPG is either a 300 egg investment for a 20% stake in the company or 100 eggs and your assistance defining a more concrete list of suggestions that the players and DMs can spend their boons and banes on during their games for a 50% stake.

Robert Tucker

Esteemed Business-Torts: I won't waste your time here. ttrpg is the realm of gamified fantasy and story telling. We work within the confines of the mechanics to take part in stories that we can not, and honestly probably would not, undertake in real-life. One place these mechanics consistently fall short is for the fantasy of beast master. In order to keep mechanics rounded you must make have a trade off, in this case you are making the choice to sink your entire subclass into being a beast master. Let's keep in mind what other subclasses can do for you, it can turn a fighter into a psi-warrior, it can turn a bard into a blurring whirlwind of blades, it can turn a cleric into anything you might want to be as a cleric. Or it can turn a reasonable utility-combat class into another reasonable utility-combat class that can give up their attack to let their pet attack, a pet which barely scales. I am recommending instead, this should be a feat. I would also want to tweak the rules for animal companions. First off hit dice: Animal companions get them based off their type. The animal companion would have a base hp, and you level it to yours once you take this feat and it levels with you. Along with this we would need to add other bonuses for level up, such as ac and damage. I would reccomend they still use your proficiency for rolls, but also they could gain an ASI every 4 levels. They would still go on your initiative. A command is no longer a bonus action or attack action but does take up your ability to talk or use verbal components on your turn. Also, their default action would depend on their temperment. Some may have a temperment to attack, while others to disengage or even hide. This is a more balanced, and fun, way to introduce the fantasy of having beast companions into the game of D&D. You could even potentially take this feat multiple times and have multiple beasts. Business-Torts, all I am asking for this wonderful new method of fulfilling the beast-master fantasy in this game, is the low low, low low low, low, price of 2 baby torts from freshly hatched eggs, I do not wish to take the work to protect and incubate the eggs myself, or collect them before they are swooped up by predators, however these will grow to be animal companions trained in the new ways.

Jake Dwyer

Hail and well met, Tortles! Today, I’m here to solve the problem of PCs not feeling like native inhabitants of their settings. Stop me if this has ever happened to you - you’re starting a campaign in a large city or a local tavern, but every NPC you meet treats you like a stranger who’s just blown into town. Introducing, the Roll for History check*! Simply roll a History check using Charisma (similar to intimidating using strength) at the beginning of an interaction, and use the result to determine your character’s personal history with this NPC. 5 or below? You’ve got beef. 6-10? Never heard of each other. 11+? Acquaintances or a familiar face around town. 16+? You might be old childhood friends, part of the same guild, or business partners! *Subject to DM approval and interpretation. Roll for History assumes no liability in the outcomes of your campaign. In exchange for making your PCs feel a little more at home in their world, I’m asking for the low, low price of a Bahumia campaign setting book and a hardboiled egg for lunch.

knzi

Shello egg-emplary Tortles, I present: Nat 1 – Success With Consequence. When a player rolls a natural 1, they can either fail like normal, as Dice Christ intended… or succeed but at a cost. The GM picks that cost, and it doesn’t have to be tied to the action—land your sword strike but draw enemy reinforcements. It softens the “feels bad”, ups the stakes, lets the roll still matter, but now it’s narrative consequence instead of failure. I’m asking for 1 naturally laid egg for a critically valuable 20% stake in all future adventures this rule will hatch.

wick

Helloooooooo Tortelonies, I come to you today with a mechanic for combatting the shattered pain of rolling a Nat 20 when you have disadvantage. (As a feat or a magical item effect) Once per short rest, if you roll a Natural 20 while rolling with disadvantage you may reroll the other dice but must take the new roll. You may have this effect for the small price of 15 eggs neatly organized into groups of 3. Thank you and much love

benedict.m

Tortles, I'm not gonna jerk you around, let's get right into it. Has this ever happened to you? You're a spellcaster who wants to counter a 9th lvl spell, but you've used up all your 3rd and 4th lvl spell slots. Mechanically there is NO DIFFERENCE between using a 3rd or a 5th lvl counterspell -- the roll you have to make will be the same. But you're still forced to use a 5th lvl slot for NO MECHANICAL BENEFIT. My homebrew tweak is that upcasting counter spell gives you a +1 bonus to your roll per level above 3rd. This way, if you're trying to counter a higher level spell than you have spell slots for, you can still upcast counterspell as high as possible to give yourself a higher chance. Make YOUR spell slots work for YOU with the Slightly Improved Upcast Counter spell. For the use of this idea I am requesting one 9th level egg in return for 49% of the emotional profits of this homebrew tweak. I do not have nefarious intentions for the egg. Thank you.

Vinny Panzarotti

Alright Tortellinis, lets get cooking. Have you ever played a sweet beautiful ranger with a marquee ability called Hunter's Mark that you never use because every ranger spell worth its salt is a concentration spell? (I promise I'm not salty). Too often do you find that you are not keeping up with damage, or utility of your friendly neighbourhood every other classes? I give you the new and improved Hunter's Mark. It now no longer requires concentration but the duration is dropped from 1hour to 1min. Upon upcasting, instead of increasing the duration of the spell, the spell adds 2d6 at 3rd and 4th levels, and 3d6 at 5th level. This should help your ranger scale accordingly while also giving them more flexibility to choose fun spells that don't erase the utility of something else. For this new mark, I am asking for 3d6 eggs that don't require the concentration that I sit on them to hatch.

DJ Matty Lil Crits

Greetings my tangy torts and baby tortle Jake being pursued by circling seagulls. Do your divination wizards want to embrace the most prolific of divinatory practices? I present the Tarot Deck Portent. When "rolling" for portents, have your wizard instead draw from a tarot deck, and let the cards determine your fate. The major arcana are already numbered 0-21. for 1-20, it is as simple as using the card's number. If your wizard draws the world (21), they gain a free extra portent of whatever number they choose. However if they draw the fool (0), they lose one of their portents for the day. I am asking for an investment of 100 tortle eggs, or the egg of a crusty city pigeon with a huge dick that scares people at the park.

Hunter The Gatherer

Hello Dragon Tortles! Today I bring to you my home brew magic item called the Dracolith. This gastrolith or gizzard stone of an Ancient Dragon requires attunement and grants its user some gifts of the dragon that it originated from. The Dracolith can be activated as a bonus action a number of times per day equal to your proficiency bonus. When activated roll 1d6 to determine what bonus is gained. The bonus lasts for 1 hour. 1) Dragons Gaze: grants 30ft of blindsight & 60ft of darkvision 2) Scale & Tail: grants +1 to AC 3) Crown of Horns: grants resistance to the original dragons damage type 4) Maw & Claw: grants a +1 to spell casting or a +1 to weapon attacks & damage bonuses 5) Hatchlings Huff: grants the breath weapon attack and recharge of a Wyrmling of the original dragons type 6) Wyrmlings Wings: grants a fly speed equal to walking speed All I’m asking is for you guys to consider visiting Kansas City on your next live show tour! Thanks for making the best podcast and getting me into D&D!

Mark R

Surf’s up my turt-dudes, hope you’re catching sick waves and your shells are wet and polished. I come before you with the Scimitar of the Scoundrel. This cursed weapon appears on top of a pile of decaying bodies with a teleportation circle above it. If a turt moves the scimitar in any way, they must make a DC 20 wisdom saving throw. If they fail, the blade forces both of the turt’s flippers to wrap and bind to the handle. The turt can make the check again at the beginning of their next turn. If they succeed, the scimitar teleports back to circle and falls onto the pile of bodies. When being used, the magical blade lowers the turt’s max HP to 1. However, it has a +5 to attack, raises your AC by 5, and deals 12d12 + 40 magical slashing damage on a hit. Also, the turt cannot use any other weapon or item, nor can they cast a spell while holding the weapon. If the turt dies while holding the weapon, the body of the turt and the scimitar teleport back to where the blade was found, cloaca and all. I proudly ask for 30 pristine eggs to add to my hatchery. May the great Lion Turtle above give you calm seas and a fresh patch of kelp. P.S. can be exchanged for any weapon, but scimitars are gnarly.

Kallie

To the titillating tortles of the tank. I offer an item that combines two glorious institutions: D&D and professional wrestling! Wrestler’s boots- A pair of well-made boots that when the wearer successfully makes an unarmed strike, they also make a performance check to see how well they “sell” the hit. On a DC10 the wearer adds an additional 1D4 of psychic damage for how awesome their move was. On a DC15 it increases to 1D6, and on a DC20 increase it to 1D8. I offer 95% stake in this idea in return for two eggs I can raise into the Ultimate Tortle Tag Team! -Kallie M

Cameron S

Shellom, wise and fertile turtles, my pitch today is a simple one but something I think you'll find worthy of your oblong eggs. At character creation you have the option to only roll for 4 of your stats, then you have an 18 you can put in any attribute and a 6 you must put in either wis, con, or dex (since these stats have the most saves). One of my gripes when rolling for stats at character creation is the usual 4d6 minus 1 tends to result in PCs that are pretty good at most things but don't really have any interesting flaws mechanically which I think is a shame as I really enjoy having a weakness that can be fun when it comes up. It also solves the problem that usually one player out off 4-5 will hit an 18 and will be just a little better than everyone else at their main stat which can feel kinda unfun if you roll average. I introduced this rule as an optional thing to do at character creation and my players had a good time with it leading to some tense moments when our rogue was mind controlled. In exchange for this idea I am humbly requesting your smoothest and softest egg.

TheArcaneAttorney

Shello to the Tortle Tycoons in the Swankiest-Tank! I come to dangle before you a wonderously cursed item known as “The Gorilla Glove: a literal-figurative monkey’s paw.” When worn, the Gorilla Glove immediately grants +1 to the player’s strength, and is considered +1/+1 for all unarmed attacks. After attunement, the player gains up to five small wishes per day, permissible entirely at the DM’s discretion (example: I wish I could scale that wall, I wish I had five more gold to afford armor). When a wish is granted, a finger curls on the Gorilla Glove, becoming unremovable, until the finger uncurls at dawn and the wishes reset. This peaceful wish process will continue for up to four times per day, but upon the granting of a fifth wish in a 24-hour period, the Gorilla Glove forms a fist and the player must immediately make a DC20 Wisdom saving throw (dc20 because infinite small wish mechanics are somehow too much for some greedy little piglets so fuck’em, that’s why). On a successful save, nothing happens, and the Gorilla Glove stays a fist until uncurling at dawn. On a failed save, the player hits themselves in the face for maximum unarmed damage, and the glove stays curled tightly in a fist at dawn, whereupon the player may repeat the save. This process persists until the player either passes the wisdom save or removes their hand in some brutally macabre fashion. Lastly, if any finger is curled on the Gorilla Glove, all sleight of hand checks are made with disadvantage, and regardless of the number of fingers curled, all checks/attacks to fling feces are rolled with a +9 modifier. For this blessedly cursed item I ask not for eggs but two tickets to your next Seattle or Tacoma show where I promise to come dressed as a gorilla and thoroughly test my marriage by publicly embarrassing my wife.

Darion Aronson

Hello Tortles. I have a more gamified version of spell slots. Unlike Naruto with his one chi pool, wizards and magic wielders have 9 different pools. I bring to the table, spell points. You have the same number of spell points as you would slots added together, but you can use them for any level spell you want to as long as you have access to that level of spells. E.g a level 5 wizard still couldn't be casting 4th level spells. But if you want to waste all your spell points on fireball, go ahead. It wouldn't be balanced in any way at all, but it would be so much cooler. All I ask for is as many eggs as I can carry in my jumper or tshirt folded out into a bowl for 69% of the idea Or for Josh to have only one lowly in the next DnD Court for 100% Thank you for your consideration

aDuck

Hi there Tortlinos, A simple one today, As somebody loves tools in DND, and tends not to use prolonged stretches of downtime, I find the training for tool proficency rules abysmal. The original (The training lasts for 250 days and costs 1 gp per day. After you spend the requisite amount of time and money, you learn the new language or gain proficiency with the new tool.) And when the bard in my party met an alchemist and wanted to learn from them, well, as a member of an army they didn't have that many holiday hours saved up. My take, Simply set a high DC check(Ive done 250). With advantage if they have a helper(The aforementioned alchemist), or disadvantage if distracted(Like keeping watch). And subtract the roll + the relevant mod from the DC. They have been using this whilst travelling between various jobs and it has worked well for us, allowing tool profiencies before the heat death of the universe. Yes this also works with languages but requires a teacher(INT mod) For this easier tool use I ask for 2 dozen eggs of various sizes in return for a 25% stake of all future creations made with those tools.

Jay

Dear tortles, I have an item that's pretty specific, but still a lot of fun: The clipboard of authority Like in real life, you can just choose to look like you belong into any establishment by carrying a clipboard and looking busy. This item allows a player to make a deception check with advantage instead of a stealth check to sneak into any business. If they fail the check by a little, the DM can choose the NPC to put the player to work instead of throwing them out I'm vegan, so I would only like one of your eggs with your consent

John Bakker

Yortle my absolute Tortles, Short rests are devalued in 5e, 2024 tries to solve this by reducing some classes reliance on short rests but I propose a different solution: make long rests longer. We all home about recovering from hell in a single nights rest... Perhaps a true long rest shouldn't last 8 hours minimum, but 3days. In order to fully recover all depleted HP feats and Spell slots, you have to post up for a long weekend. Now inorder to fill the space between a short and the now longer rest I suggest 8hours be refered to as a rest. Replenishing a fraction of hit die, slot or feats say 50% rounded down. This is meant to be punishing if you work too long without a weekend. Gimme an egg and I'll work out the details later. For now? I need rest.

Noah Madden

Hello lizards. I have a dangerous illicit homebrew item called Suva. This small vial is no longer than 3 inches. Black liquid beads at the edges of the glass within. They say it is pheromone collected from a male shoosuva that doses itself before going through the deadly process of mating. It normally does not survive the mating encounter. The gland is stored in the neck. How to Dose: Comes in small glass vials that can be crushed and rubbed into micro cuts in hands. Most of the time is bought at the correct dosage, but taking too many doses of this can kill someone. Price: 4000 gp. When taken as a bonus action, for the next minute, the user of this toxin is under the effect of the haste spell. The user then takes 10d10 necrotic damage. This damage cannot be negated by any means, via resistances, immunities, or the like. For the next minute, any creature under the effect of Suva cannot be killed by normal means. Damage, death saves, and even death will still be applied as normal, all except for the fact that the creature under the effect of this toxin will continue to take actions, bonus actions, reactions, and movement until the drug leaves their body, at which point all previous effects will catch up to them. Warning. Those under the effects of Suva cannot be healed by any means after taking the substance, and for 24 hours after the use of this toxin. Any attempts at healing or resurrection magic have no effect in that timeframe. The toxin negates the following spells: Death Ward Gentle Repose Warning. Those under the effects of Suva will suffer 4 points of exhaustion after taking the toxin. Warning. The only method known to stop a creature in the throes of a Suva toxin rage is dismemberment, and even this is not always effective. This is an extremely dangerous substance and is only to be used in cases of extreme distress. All I am asking for is your tails. I believe lizard tails grow back. Thank you.

Riley Hopkins

Shell-o to you fine turtles, I have a quick submission of homebrew. I'm a game designer, and have been thinking how to strip something from Interstitial and place it in DND. In short: you meet a million freaks and weirdos in your adventures, and wouldn't it be nice to remember them and harness those bonds for mechanical benefit? I'm pitching to you: The Link System (for 5e). Links are separated into four groups, Light, Dark, Mastery and Heart. Each one represents a relationship someone can have with a person. (Goku has a mastery link with Vegeta because he learns from them, Vegeta has a dark link with Goku because fuck that guy) Every character class has a special Link Move that will generate them links (ex: rogue, when you meet someone who holds authority over you- make a dark link) but you can also just make one socially. This means you end up with a list of people who were important to you over your adventure, and you can call on their memory for help, spending their link for Advantage (or maybe just inspo? I like it being busted but I know DND needs more care) Thank you for your time, and I hope the Links System (5E) is picked up by one of you wonderful lizards. Work can start immediately.