Chapter 1388 (Patreon)

After I was done feeling like a complete and utter idiot for missing the obvious for so long, I got down and went to work. If there truly was some meaning to the various dreams and visions I had experienced over the years, I should be able to learn something more. What, I had no idea, but my first instinct was to delve into myself, even if I had no real idea if that would work. It hadn’t shown me anything so far, but maybe this was something that could only self-actualise. Something that could only happen if I actively wanted to make it happen. So far, I had never tried, so it never happened.

Sitting down on my throne, I let my Mind fall into my Body, looking for that mental frame in which I could feel my Body, my Mind and my Soul. Finding it was relatively easy, but once I was in the right mental frame to study all three, I realised my mistake. It was akin to looking at my face, but without the benefit of a mirror. The tools, for lack of a better word, I was using to observe and study the three aspects of myself were also part of these three aspects, meaning I would always be somewhat limited in my perspective unless I managed to find some sort of mental mirror or something similar. 

For a bit, I simply sat back, not trying to reach for anything or actively do anything. I simply observed the slow, swirling mists around my being, briefly wondering just what was out there, where the various strands I was seeing were going. They were part of the system; I was fairly confident of that, but beyond that, I had no idea. And given that I had seen what the system did to those who messed with it, and the fact that I had created a rather horrifyingly painful spell in an attempt to manipulate these strands, I wasn’t messing with them. I had no interest in finding out just how agonising I could make my own death if I messed with them too much, even if I was fully aware that I might have to figure out a way in order to extract Sigmir’s memories from my own. Or rather, the Experience she had bestowed upon me when I was Morgana, hoping that that experience, those memories, were still part of the legacy I now carried. 

Thinking about that, I started focusing on these strands a little, simply trying to see if there were any differences. If I wanted to extract something from the legacy, I would have to figure out what was part of the legacy and what I had acquired after the Change.

The longer I focused on them, the more I noticed them. At first, I thought my eyes, or whatever sense I was using in this strange, mental or metaphysical state, were playing tricks on me. But then, I started to realise that what I was seeing, or sensing, was real; I was simply noticing smaller strands that acted as interconnections between the larger, thicker strands I had noticed before. There were hundreds of them, and that estimation was likely far too small, as the number I was seeing kept growing. The smaller strands also had interconnecting links, though those were even thinner, making me wonder if this was some sort of fractal framework, constantly resolving into ever smaller segments as I perceived more of them. 

Out of curiosity, I focused all my attention on a single one of these strands, just to see what would happen. At first, nothing happened, other than that this single strand seemed to become larger within my perception, until, suddenly, I saw a memory flash before my eyes. It wasn’t anything major, merely a memory of working on the Soul Gems from a couple of weeks ago, but in that moment, I recalled it with perfect clarity, if only for a few seconds. Then, I realised the sudden mental shift towards that memory had broken my focus on the strand, and the memory quickly faded back into the background of my Mind, leaving me aware of it, though it was now a little clearer. And, obviously, thinking of it, remembering it, made me remember this moment, too. 

So, when I returned my focus to that strand, I was briefly confused. Either I had messed up, and my focus had wandered further than I had thought, which was completely possible in the void only filled with features I was aware of, or maybe had imagined into this space, like the strands or the strand itself had changed. It was now thicker, not by a lot, and it had another connection, leading to an even larger strand, one of the most prominent strands within the tapestry I was observing. 

It was quite fascinating and made me realise that I had just now inadvertently manipulated my own memories. By forcibly bringing that one memory to the forefront of my Mind, I had connected it to other memories, even future memories. Any time I remembered this particular experience, I would automatically recall that one, otherwise fairly meaningless, experiment with the Soul Gem. I didn’t think I had broken anything by doing so, but it drove home that I would have to be even more careful in the future, that in this space, even paying too much attention could have consequences. 

So, I mentally sat back and reconsidered my approach. The strands of memory and experience wouldn’t run away; they were, hopefully, here to stay. The strands might slowly fade into the overall tapestry, but the larger strands, those that contained the memories and concerns at the forefront of my Mind, would remain the largest and most prominent. At least that was my current hypothesis, though I was a little leery of testing it by focusing on those larger strands. 

Instead, I decided to try something entirely different. 

My purpose here had been to see if there was more to the dreams I had experienced, the visions in which I had taken the form of a dragon. Given that I currently thought that those experiences had taken place in my Soul, or maybe had taken the form of my Soul, I obviously had to observe my Soul. Not my Mind, not necessarily my Body, though that would serve as an adequate control, just my Soul.

As the saying went, distance allowed for perspective. Meaning, I needed distance from my Soul and, if possible, from my Body. Given that this space was composed of my Body, Mind and Soul, I had to shift my perspective to one that came solely from my Mind, if that was even possible.

Now I only had to figure out how to accomplish that. Sadly, I had no real idea where to start, other than trying to differentiate the three aspects of myself into three distinct areas, which was remarkably difficult. After all, I was, once again, trying to change something with tools that were part of that ‘something’. I was working from within, trying to remodel a house while staying inside, without damaging anything, just by pushing against the walls. 

But then the house in this metaphor was much more flexible than an actual one. I could ‘remodel’ my Body to a fairly high degree using Blood Magic. With enough time and effort, I was fairly certain I could push things far beyond the simple ‘boost one aspect of my muscles for a short time’ I generally used; I simply chose not to. Not because I thought it impossible, but because I considered the reward not worth the risk or the investment.

This was also why I generally avoided experimenting with Mind or Soul Magic on myself; it was simply incredibly risky, and I might damage myself in ways I couldn’t heal from. Or even perceive.

Thinking of those magical disciplines, I tried to push myself into the state of mind I used for my Mind Magic, just to see if that might do anything. After all, my Mind Magic was targeting one aspect of this metaphorical house, so by using the mental frame I associated with it, I might be able to perceive which part of the current mental image I was using was my Mind.

Again, it didn’t immediately work. Or maybe it did, and I simply didn’t see it; I wasn’t sure. However, the changed focus seemed to shift the tapestry I had been observing; threads were moving, some shifting into the foreground, others fading into the background, making me wonder if all my memories were that tapestry, making it my Mind. But then, these threads were also part of the system, tangling together my Body, Mind and Soul; at least I had previously worked under that assumption. 

Taking a mental step back once again, I tried something different. I let go of any thoughts about Mind Magic and Astral Power; this shouldn’t be their domain anyway. Magic was, at the end of the day, largely external to me; I was drawing in Astral Power and using it. It was filtered through me, but it never was part of me, while this was the foundation of all that I was. So, instead of trying to use magic, I used something much simpler. Focus, mental image and, at the end of the day, belief. Cognito, ergo sum, as the ancients had phrased it, I think, therefore I am. Here, it became: I believe this will work; therefore, it does.

And it did.