[Personal] Clinically Artistic (Patreon)

Happy New Year, all! >:3

If y'all have been wondering what I've been up to, I've spent the last few weeks pursuing a formal evaluation for something I've suspected about myself for quite some time. And lo and behold, a few days ago I was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am a late-diagnosed autistic adult.🌈

Now maybe this was obvious to y'all, but it certainly wasn't for me. At least, not until somewhat recently. Growing up I always excelled in school and never seemed to struggle socially.....admittedly, because I had very little interest in socializing. I kept to myself, preferring doodling and reading over people, and what few friends I had were all lovely people that for whatever reason, decided to doggedly commit to getting to know an awkward, closed-off oddball. I did not realize when I was being excluded or bullied (which was fairly often, in retrospect), but people (usually my family) were sometimes very direct in detailing all the ways they felt I was abnormal. I was called apathetic, indifferent, gullible, oblivious, scatterbrained, a space cadet, lost in my own little world, brain-dead, and of course, the good ol' fashioned r-slur.👍 I was teased over my stiff way of speaking, and shamed for shying away from eye contact and hugs. At work people remarked on my flat monotone, and very often think I'm joking when I'm being sincere (I'm "the funny one" at the office, something I haven't really accomplished intentionally).🤷‍♂️

All my life, I have felt like a space alien passively observing humans. I can approximate some degree of "normal" to fit in, but I can never pull it off quite right, and the strain of crafting this elaborate mask for myself, of saying the right things and having the right reactions is exhausting. Still, I didn't think I was autistic. I thought I was just, well.....kinda dumb. I'd make the whole room erupt in laughter and laugh along myself, not really understanding what was funny, but appreciative of a positive social reaction nonetheless. I thought I was simply an idiot, a failure of a human being, and I struggled for so many years with my feelings of alienation and anxiety. Why did a normal work week deplete me to the point of total burnout? Why did simple conversations feel like navigating a Saw trap? Did everyone struggle this way, and were just better at hiding it? Why couldn't I just be normal?

I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis, and my neurodivergent brain. It re-contextualizes so much of my life. I wonder how much of my mental health struggles have been owed to needing to shrink myself to fit in with greater society. I look back on how many interests I abandoned because people made fun, how many times I pretended not to know an obscure fact that would've gotten me labeled dorky and weird, how many friends I kept at arm's length so they wouldn't see who I am behind the mask. I sanded off my rough edges and scrubbed away all my color so I could camouflage into the walls. And it didn't even work! People can still tell, on some subconscious level, that I'm not neurotypical. So why bother trying to be something I'm not? I'm autistic, dangit! ❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙💜 I'm happy I was diagnosed. >:D I forget the source of the quote, but I've heard it said that sometimes, it's nice to discover you've been a zebra the whole time, not a weird horse. 🦓 Now I can learn to be kinder to myself, and try to rediscover how to be my funky lil alien self, rather than an neurotic people-pleasing mask.

Shout-out to all my patrons btw, and salutations to all my neurodivergent folks in the audience! 🩷 Let's make this an awesome new year~