Secret Base Reviews: A Baby (Patreon)

by Clara Morris

I am immediately inundated with guilt so let’s just say he’s getting 10/10 right now and we love him very much.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the cons.

CONS

When I first told Secret Base I was having a child I literally said “it’s not gonna take over my personality.” So naive. So misguided. So simple-minded. It has absolutely taken over my personality, as evidenced by the fact that I'm reviewing the baby. It was the only topic that came to mind. 

Well to be honest, reviewing c-sections also came to mind because to have had a c-section and to talk about literally anything else is a feat of social decorum. Keeping within social decorum, I won’t go into the details, we’ll just say my husband has seen my organs and I have seen a lot of my blood, well, my old blood. That blood is gone now. 

So con number one for the baby– very difficult to get it out of the body and into the hospital room.

Oh wait, con number two can be the delivery, con number one was that my personality is now: BABY.

I used to think of myself as a cynical, sarcastic, kinda counter-culture cool girl– and now I overhear myself saying things like “i lovey lovey love you!” over and over in a sing song voice. In public. I’m cringing as I write this. 

But let’s look to evaluate the baby on his merits outside of my physical and mental health. 

PROS

Gotta be pros for looks and eyes and general body-shape (round). The kid is cute. And when he smiles at you? It kinda makes you feel like you’ve reached the top human experience. Nirvana. It’s really something. 

And how about when the baby smiles at something you do?! Think of the dopamine hit you get when someone likes your social media post–  that’s nothing compared to the tidal wave of dopamine that drowns your brain when you say “chugga chugga choo choo” and the baby throws his head back with laughter.

Even though secretly you don’t think the train imitation is the best joke or even that accurate… you’re still left with the feeling of like, “wow I’m…really funny.” And that is more life sustaining than food, in my experience.

Huh, pretty hard to evaluate the baby without getting my mental and/or physical health in the mix. 

I do have more cons.

CONS

I’ve been peed on, I’ve been pooped on, I’ve had to scrub poop off the wall.

Once he spat up in my hair right after I took a shower. Which doesn’t sound so bad, but it did make me cry so that’s gotta be a con. 

The sleep thing is a pretty big con. He wakes up to feed every hour all night long, like clockwork. So I wake up every hour all night long, like a clock that says “noooooo” at the hour. And he can kinda sleep while he eats (my talented son), but I have to stay awake so he doesn’t, you know, fall down or get dropped or smushed.

The doctor says he doesn’t need to eat every hour all night long and I should try not picking him up right away and letting him cry. But that’s wrong. So nothing can be done except perhaps writing a scathing review of the child.

But actually, not sleeping is kind of empowering? Look how much I can do without sleep! I can drive without incident (so far!). I can hold a job (this sentence is insurance). I can make a baby laugh.  So is the sleep thing actually a pro? …Is this what Stockholm syndrome is? 

Anyway, I’ve got my verdict, as we discussed:

Baby: 10/10