long thoughts post (Patreon)

just skip if you are here for art, that's totally fine, I wish you all to have a lovely day<3

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Hi guys, it seems like forever since last time I had a good calm time sitting drawing in comfy atmosphere. I miss it so much. I'm in Georgia now and I just always feel out of my place, more and more. It feels all wrong, my apartment doesn't feel good or look good, we barely could find it for bearable price though, since now lots of russians and ukranians and belarusians came here, local people rise price for rent here x2+  from before. And people are different here. We met nice people of course but also not so nice ones, we had troubles with finding a permanent place to stay and lost some money because of, well, lies about apartment that people were offering to us and we had to leave one of it while being called occupants, yes. Damn I woudn't refuse if two nice young ladies occupied my apartment for 100$ for night and left it all clean and perfect, for fucks sake why rent it to us in the first place then? Lovely, a unique experience I would say. Like, you know, the things you would never think of in normal life, as for answering "where are you from?", and here it's always a confusion and stress because why are they asking me? They will think badly or hate me because of my nationality? Or it will be okay? Anti russian propaganda here is strong, I understand why, but...ughh... Once we had to withdraw cash at night and two dudes came by while we were waiting for a taxi and at first they touched our dog (people here somewhy NEVER ask permission to touch dogs,we even read about it before we came here, and it's true, the first man we met right after we went out from airport just started to pet our dog not bothering to ask us) and then they asked something in georgian and of course we didn't understand and then they asked in english where are we from and lucky us, they didn't mean anything bad but they were pretty drunk and they started to loudly tell us their thoughts on this and asking (and not really listening) us about it too in a kinda too much emotional that it became scary way -.- good thing, taxi came in few minutes and we went home. 

Also all this time the weather here were super shitty and cold, which is not normal for this region, and we were always cold and half sick because no central heating and no warm enough clothes yaaay, and only few days here is getting warmer and we can walk and not freeze lol. 

Honestly me and my gf both already feel so tired and sad because of all the stress and difficulties that we even think of going back. We thought of other options too but nothing really will be good for us now. It feels now like a no right choice desision to stay here or to return to russia. here or there I can't get normal access to my funds from patreon, I have to ask my foreign friend for that, hope that will work. I can't feel myself okay here, it's just getting worse, I can't feel myself safe in russia as well but at least there will be my friends and family and place to work. Here I still don't have normal chair where I can draw and not kill my hands and back lol. I'm so sad and angry that I had to leave russia, that all this crazy cruel shit happened and happening, because I love russia, not the government but people, my friends, service, just  my home I know my whole life, people who try to make life here comfortable for each other (not speaking about government, it's all big corrupted machine). It has many advantages, really, for living. It's crasy, I hope so much that it will just end as soon as possible, I'm tired, I don't feel well. Lucky me I got my meds from therapist before it all ended in pharmacies yaaay, not losing my mind thanks to it I guess. There are so many things that I would complain about, but what's the point, I'm well aware that I'm the foreigner here, it's not my right to complain. It's just the fact that all of that constantly makes me feel bad.

I will think of it few more days and will decide what to do next.  Jeasus it's already 26th March and for me it feels like snap of fingers. All that feels like a too long bad trip that should have stopped long time ago but still haven't