Okay I have some words... (Patreon)

I'm kind of pissed off about some things and I really need to talk about them because I've been putting it off for some time. 

I need people to understand what Patreon is first though. Patreon is not a marketplace. Patreon is not Amazon. Patreon is not Ebay or Goodreads or Barnes and Noble or anything like that. This is a place that as a creator I can ask people to support my work and in return, I give them thank you gifts for believing and supporting my art.

You see this is sort of a throwback to the old days when an artist would have an idea for a play or a sculpture or some other great project and they would receive patronage from a richer man - a count, a duke, what have you - that believed in the artist's work. The rich man would then see a share of the profits or something else of the like in return. To a lesser extent, this is Patreon.

The other thing I need to talk about that I think many, many people don't understand is how an artist works. An artist is their own worst enemy. They hate themselves, they hate their work. There are varying levels of this of course but at the end of the day, I've never met a fellow artist without a self loathing complex. 

This leads to an unsureness of their own worth within themselves and especially within their work. Non-artists don't seem to understand that an artist doesn't generally put his work out for the validation that he's amazing or anything - although there are some egomaniacs out there that make the rest of us look like douchebags - they simply want to feel like their time is worth it. They're creating something that has some sort of worth or merit; if not in their own eyes than in the eyes of the other.

Now that I've sort of touched on these two things I need to vent about some shit. 

If you're a patron who can't decide whether they want to pledge $1, $5 or $10, that's fine, but I want you to know that when I start the month with you pledging at a certain amount and I have to slowly watch that number decrease over the days it starts to hit my self esteem and make me wonder about the worth of my own work. When that happens again and again every month, it's like playing yo-yo with my feelings. This is where that feeling of urgency comes from like I'm not good enough. That I'm pressured to put out content all the time and without any regard to quality, that's because of these people. They put so much undue pressure on me by basically telling me that they have no idea if my work is even worthy; the worst kind of validation for an artist.

The second kind of person that I'm fed up with is the ones that treat me like a bookstore. They think they can pledge me a five in order to get my whole library and then disappear. This is kind of shitty for two reasons. The first is that it makes my work feel really cheap and it makes me feel very used. You're basically saying that my novels are what you would buy at the dollar store. I don't care what level of writer you are, thinking about your work in the bargain bin is both cringey and painful. The second reason this is shitty is because it doesn't give me a chance to grow with you. You're telling me that I've done the best I can and you don't care to stick around to see where else I can go. Peaking is one of my greatest fears as an artist and on many occasions I've wondered if I've already hit my peak.

Okay, okay, okay. That is shitty. People can be shitty. That's just life. At the end of the day, what people do is their own choice but I want to make you all aware of what it's like for me to do what I do. I mean, since I've moved across the damn country I've basically made this my profession. It's the only job I have because I want it to go somewhere, so I'm sacrificing a lot to make my art for all of you but for me as well. So it may not seem like much but even the five you throw out every day for a coffee can go a long way when it's pledged to an artist trying to make her craft happen.

Also, on the flip side of things, I have some super loyal patrons that I just love to death. You guys literally make my fucking day. You comment, you reach out, you've been consistent in your support, you really believe in what I'm doing. You know exactly who you are too but I'll say it anyways. Thank you, thank you, thank you. AJ, Jane Chesterman, Kay Riley, Stray137, Tina Tenner, Valerie Mogel, and anyone else that I may have forgotten, seriously guys, you are the absolute best.

Now one more note, I'm not saying you have to choose a side and either ditch me or shower me with roses, I just want consistent support. This doesn't mean that if you have to drop your pledge for whatever reason and then come back a few months later that I'll be shaking my fist at you. Life happens. This is totally fine. I'm saying that giving me whiplash by changing your pledge every few days isn't cool and neither is paying me for a day and then ditching me after I've given you what you want. That is not with this platform was built for.

Also, I just want more people to feel free to comment and talk. That's why I choose this platform over Lit or Wattpad in the end, there is a community here and people are trying to outreach. We're all here because of stories, right? Well, let's talk about them. I mean, that's all I really wanna do.