Blitz and My Journey (Patreon)

 So, I was recently having a conversation with my freaking crazy amazing girlfriend/editor -- and by recent I mean at least a month ago because I am the slowest moving sloth when it comes to accepting and especially adapting and implementing new ideas to my life. Anyways, We were talking about what I'm trying to do, right? My dream, I guess you could say. Which is a pretty common topic between us since we essentially work together toward it. I'm not gonna get into all the ways the strings connected to the idea but she suggested that I make more, hmm, let's call them 'real' posts.

What do I mean by that? Well, whenever I open up my big dopey heart and say 'hey, this or this is happening, this or this is bothering me, art sucks' I get this feeling of connection with my community that I actually desire but really beyond that it makes me feel more real as an artist. I think? Listen, I'm a very confused person as to what I actually want out of life so isolating what actually makes me happy is damn near impossible. Especially in regards to my art, which usually hates me.

Okay, so, I'll be honest, I have no idea what I'm gonna say here and rest assured that there are no expectations from any of you but this is my attempt to be more real with you guys and hopefully, that might reflect back on myself.

Blitz has been my whole life lately as y'all might be able to tell, and now that I have a new (kinda) laptop again -- yay! -- I can get back to cranking out pages again. Which is great, of course. It's also great -- albeit sad -- that there are so many people that relate to Trent and what seems to be an eternal struggle for himself within this story, which makes me want to put out more chapters even quicker. I'm happy about it though because I can relate back to all of you too. 

If I'm gonna be honest and clear the air -- in case I get too full of myself to later -- the concept of Blitz was my girlfriend's idea. She kept going on about this sweet, imaginary boy named Brad and how he was going to help Trent 'cause Trent was so sad; and she could not have one of my kids sad and depressed, at least not forever. I was adamantly against it from the beginning. Then a day or two passed and the ideas she was offering up started to take form and become truth, because she was absolutely right about it all.

I didn't realize it at first but the reason I was actually against writing Blitz wasn't because it was different or because I had some weird pride thing about my ideas -- I'm not above it, necessarily -- it was because Trent was me in so many ways that I was afraid to face it. If I was to take a screenshot of my life last year there would be so many lies, insecurities, self-loathing and all that other bullshit that Trent carries around lying in abundance; and when I was faced with all of it, I ran and pointed the finger all around too.

Quick PSA, all of that only serves one purpose: to postpone the inevitable. Eventually it all comes back to you and you have to deal with it. Sometimes that's a quick process, like a band-aid, other time like a long slow death, until the point finally comes around. Either way, just like Trent's about to learn, I've had to come to my own conclusions about running from my problems and myself and just facing them head on.

There's so much to this story that I feel all of the time. Too much actually. I have to put it down sometimes because I just absorb all of this pain and helplessness and there's just no where to put it all. Kinda sucks being an empath, I guess.

That being said, really, this story is kind of an attempt at me projecting a bit of my own reality. It's something that I've tried to do before -- particularly in the case of This New thing, which is something I would rather not ever look at or speak about again, thank you very much -- but it's been something that I haven't successfully done since Trifecta; finding that deep emotional pain to tap into and pull something out of. I think I'm starting to realize a lot about art and my own work and voice and what people really need -- not always want -- to hear from me though and that's honesty in my book if nothing else.

I think that's the point of this post? Honesty and stuff? Seems good to me.