Sun, Sea, Sand, and Stupidity (Patreon)

Hey folks!

Hope you've all been having a fine start to your summer out there! It's gotten pretty warm in my part of the world, and the weather has been suspiciously nice. Now if I could just get a good night of sleep so I can be in the mood to appreciate it all...

Ah well. Enjoy the sun while it lasts - and, if you're in the mood, perhaps enjoy this tale of shenanigans at the beach, with a couple of bimbos thrown in for good measure! Though who the dumbest character in today's tale might be, I couldn't possibly say...

This has gotten out of hand, hasn’t it?

You have a sneaking suspicion it has. Just, like, maybe a tinkling of an inkling. There shouldn’t be this many beach babes running around here. It’s like… five… or six? … dozen, and that seems like too many.

The resort was definitely a step too far, in hindsight. That really just made the whole problem worse…

Look, it’s fine. It’s okay! Maybe you made a small mistake… Or a few big mistakes… But that’s normal! No one’s perfect, even if you’re strikingly close, right? To err is human! You heard that once – does it still count if you’re not a human?

It should. Why would there be exceptions for Undines? Water elementals like you need fair and just representation! And besides, this was all the humans fault, if you really think about it. You were just minding your own business, protecting your little cove! They were the ones who barged in and started messing with stuff.

Some Undines prance out on the ocean or tend to little bubbling springs in the woods, but you, you’re a beach Undine through and through. Always have been, always will be. And you’re pretty darn proud of how well you do your job! You keep the tide flowing and the pools clean, helping any little crabs or fish who got stuck when the sea washed out back to open water. You’ve been getting really good at sculpting the sand banks into nice and pleasing slopes, and you’re killer at sandcastles these days.

You made the place nice, is what you’re trying to get at. You did a good job. You were a fine guardian for your little patch of the world, and you looked good doing it. Like, really good. You’re not one to boast or anything, but you’re a beauty by anyone’s standard, as long as they have standards worth caring about~

And when the humans showed up…

…

… Look, you weren’t a jerk or anything, right? None of that ‘LEAVE THIS PLACE NOW, MORTALS, OR FACE THE WRATH OF NATURE INCARNATE’ nonsense. Yelling like that hurts your voice. You’re more of a live and let love kinda gal!

And it wasn’t like they were doing anything wrong. It was just some girls out looking to enjoy a nice sunny day on the beach. They were really friendly, too. You liked them! Got to hang out, have some fun, and wave them home at the end of the day. It was good times.

They came back a few times, so that was always fun. And they always picked up their litter and didn’t break any of your nice careful sand sculptures, so you got along fine.

But then some other humans started coming around. Less fun ones. Ones in big smoky cars that they drove right up onto the beach, leaving tire tracks and oil spills all over the place as they did stupid doughnut tricks on the sand or whatever. You didn’t like those once as much.

So you tried to do something about them. It was your duty! Your right as this cove’s sacred guardian and protector. And they were messing up your sculptures! Hmph. Jerks.

But, uh, y’know, the VOICE is really hard to do if you don’t practice it, and you kind of flubbed the big speech. No one was scared of ‘THE WRATH OF UM GIMME A SECOND IT’LL COME BACK TO ME. THAT TREE THING. WHAT WAS IT CALLED?’.

So yeah that really could have gone better, really could have. All those guys on the beach laughing at you felt uncalled for though. It was really mean!

And maybe you got a bit mad about it. Just a teensy little bit. But that was totally their fault! Its your job to protect your cove, and they were clearly a threat to it. The mess they were leaving would take all month to clean up naturall-

NATURE! That was the word you were looking for! Haha, you knew you’d remember it eventually. Man you’re so good at this. Wait, where were you?

Oh right, so you decided that it was totally time to start using magic instead. That’s the stuff you’re not supposed to bring out unless the need was, like, super dire, but just look at that mess. Absolutely justified! Anyone would agree, they’d be fools not to.

Yeah, they changed their tune reeeal quick when you summoned up that big tidal wave right there and then. (Tidal waves aren’t actually a thing, by the way, or like, they’re not how they look in human stories, it’s less of a wave and more of the tide coming way more in than usual – just a little Undine fact for you there. Of course, since this was magic, you decided to make a big wave one anyway, so maybe this was a tidal wave after all!)

It worked a treat though. All of that oil was magiced away. Your nice neat sand sculptures were restored. Those big smoky cars were replaced by nice pink convertibles, ‘cus that’s what the humans you liked drove. And the mean humans themselves…

Well, you didn’t like this kind, so maybe you could just make them into the kind you liked! Big boobs, fat butts, cute skimpy swimsuits, and small giggly brains. That seemed like a great idea at the time, and it was super easy – anything that ends up soaking in your magic water is yours to change as you like. You just made sure to drip a bunch of it in their ears so you could properly scrub all the mean jerk-ness out of their brains, too.

Someone told you later that the weird things between their legs were supposed to be there because they were males? You still don’t really get that – Undines are an all female kinda thing, and that seems way more sensible to you – so you fixed them up into proper beach babes like your friends from before, and everyone seemed way happier with the situation!

Then it was all fun in the sun again! The girls were all really nice once they got over their surprise (You may have had to scrub a few more complaints out of their heads) and you were all happy to play about on the beach some more. And they took all their litter with them when they left, like the good girls they were.

That was it. No more problems! You didn’t even get anyone coming around asking suspicious questions. Everything went great. Maybe a little too well, looking back at it. If it had been a little more difficult, maybe you’dve been a bit more careful going forwards.

As it was, though, the next time jerks like that showed up at your beach, you could barely wait to wash them all clean as well!

N-not that you just did it to whoever, y’know. Only people who deserved it.

Turns out there’s a lot of deserving people in the world, though!

But maybe, like, three or four or ten beach cleanings later, you noticed something weird was happening. Where were all these humans coming from? You almost never got any of them at your little cove. Apparently it was quite difficult to reach, and there were other, easier beaches nearer to human civilization. You only usually got, like, a couple of people visiting a year… Well, until recently, anyways. So where were all of them coming from?

One of your beach babes was happy to tell you… Well, no, all of them were happy to try, but it took a bit before you found one who still knew the answer after you washed their brains out. This one hadn’t needed as much of a scrub, fortunately. And she said that your cove had started to get famous online (whatever that is) as this mysterious magical beach that a bunch of spooky pastas were written about.

… That didn’t make any sense to you at all, so she kept trying to explain, which only made things worse. But apparently there were a bunch of silly rumours online about a beach that turned people into ‘bimbos’, and people kept trying to work out which one it was. Idiots were daring each other to try and find it, and some of them were coming back with ‘big tits and a certain lack of wits’, which made people wonder if it was a joke or not.

But obviously it was just a stupid rumour – why would a beach do that? Beaches didn’t do things, they were just pretty! – but it explained why people kept coming to your cove. They were looking for some other place and kept getting lost.

Kind of inconvenient, really. The timing was all sorts of awkward. What were the odds of this stuff happening just as you were getting the hang of washing your bad visitors out? Hmph. It almost made your lovely cove all messy. Good thing you were here to keep cleaning it up.

Maybe you should have stopped, though. Just let things calm down a bit, wait for those dumb rumours to pass, then clean everything back up once everyone was gone. It was obviously going to start getting suspicious that you kept turning all these people into beach babes, wasn’t it? You were really lucky no one had noticed so far!

You were definitely thinking about it at the time. Like, that maybe it was time to take a little vacation over to the Atlantic ocean, go frolic in some deep waters for a bit. You’d definitely miss your cove, though, and you didn’t want to risk another Undine swooping in to take your spot…

Luckily for you, someone else stepped up to help! A business lady of some sort. She wore a sharp suit, even walking down to the beach, which was a choice, and you were on such a hair trigger by that point you almost beach babe-d her on the spot, but she managed to charm you, and she knew a few of the ancient rites to get a peaceful audience.

Or, you assume that’s what the stuff with the incense was. You’ve never been very good at remembering how those rites worked. It had the right vibes, at least.

Anyway, she introduced herself – she has one of those silly human names that doesn’t mean anything, so it bubbled in through one ear and out of the other – and said she had a proposal for you. An offer. She wanted to turn your beach into a private resort.

Obviously, you weren’t keen on that. Not originally, anyway, but you let her keep talking. To your surprise, she said they’d be keeping the beach and the cove in their natural state, helping you protect your lands, while making sure that people who visited would be well behaved. Which was totally all you wanted in the first place! Sounded way too good to be true.

But she said that all it’d cost you was beach babe-ing people when they asked? Ha, you’d been doing that for free anyway! This was a total win as far as you were concerned. What could go wrong?

… You probably should have asked that question a little harder than you did, but instead you agreed, and you only beach-babed her a little. She seemed to like the bigger boobs, so all wins! And you watched the new construction start, glaring at any machines or supplies that got a little too close to your beach…

(The lady said she warned the construction people not to come down to the sand unless they wanted to find out ‘What a real beach babe was like’, so you’re not sure why so many of them did. Oh well. She told you that having so many women working on the site reduced the amount of cat calls by a lot in the end, which you assume means you did a good job.)

And it was a nice resort! Little white buildings up on the shore proper, all sleek and shiny, and some sweet little bugaloos for the guests to rest in whenever they weren’t at the beach or spa. They even connected the spa up to the water so you can visit whenever you like – very nice place! You’ve spent a little time soaking there.

Guests started flowing through the beach pretty regularly after that, and you soon had a lot of beach babes to party with! Maybe too many beach babes. Like, you didn’t think you could have too many, but, uh, it was a lot. Most of them seemed really happy with the change, though some of them needed a bit more cleaning out than others… But now the beach was always crowded, and they were all kinda taking up space, and you couldn’t really make sand sculptures anymore. You weren’t really sure what you were gunna do about all this…

Until they showed up, anyway.

It was just a regular day, you thought. It had been raining the past week, so you didn’t get many beach friends, but that’s not a problem, you love the rain. What kind of Undine doesn’t? But now the sun was out, and you figured you’d probably get some visitors on the beach, so you went swimming about in the shallows, when-

“FIEND!”

Now there was a voice who could do a proper WRATH OF NATURE speech. It sounded like she’d been practicing in the mirror a lot. Good on her, being able to put that kind of gravitas into your words was impressive! You poked your head out of the waves to try and see who she was yelling at, only to find a pair of ladies in miniskirts and leotards standing on the beach glaring at you…

“Um. Hi?” You called out as you waved. They did not wave back.

“I knew it!” One of them said. The one on the right. Blondie. Long blonde hair, red and black skirt/leotard setup. “I knew we’d find the source of all these bimbos if we just followed the trail back far enough.”

Huh. A lot of people have been talking about bimbos lately, haven’t they? You should probably ask someone what the word means. Not these girls though. They look pretty mad.

“AND NOW WE WILL SAVE THEM FROM YOUR VILE MACHINATIONS, MONSTER!”

Oh. Oh, she just sounds like that all the time, does she? That’s… still kind of impressive, but also kind of annoying. She needs to chill a bit. Weird, ‘cus she’s the one wearing blue and white, you’d think that’d be a calming combo. Maybe it’s the red hair. Looks fiery.

Also, wait, who are they calling a monster? There’s no monsters in your cove, thank you, this is a nice and peaceful…

Ah.

“Okay, uh…” You’re not entirely sure what to do with this development. “Can I help you?”

Blondie rolls her eyes. She looks used to translating for her friend. “We’re here to turn back all the women you’ve turned into empty headed beach babes,” she explains.

Aha!

“Oh, you wanna turn them back?” This is perfect! You were just wondering how you were going to deal with all these beach babes, and then these two show up looking to take care of them for you! Hah, lucky day! “Great! How?”

“WE’LL TURN THEM BACK BY DEFEATING YOU!”

Huh. That doesn’t sound-Wah!

You duck back into the waves just in time to dodge a blade bigger than you are that was about to cut off your head. It slices the water instead, and you feel the shockwaves rippling through you.

Uh oh. You may have seriously misjudged this situation. Humans are so hard to read! Especially the magical ones. You usually stay away from them, they’re the ones who ‘protect humans’ in the same way you ‘protect the natural world’, so your kinds don’t really get on – but this is the first time one has tried to kill you!

It feels like there’s been a misunderstanding here, and you’d like to believe it’s theirs (even though a small voice in the back of your head says it’s definitely yours). You’d really like to clear it up, but now they’re firing magic blasts everywhere, and you’ve got to try and dodge those before they evaporate you. So rud-Eep!

You swim desperately to the side, making for the open ocean, your best route out of here, but a barrage of blasts cuts you off. Rgh, they’re not just going to let you leave, and here in the shallows you’re going to run out of room pretty quickly! If you’re going to figure this out, you need to get out of here and get some space to think! You need an escape route to- Ah!

Well, yeah, there is one option that these girls haven’t spotted.

You zip across the shallows, shooting into the pipe that connects your cove to the spa. The magical girls notice where you’re going a little too late, blasting the entrance behind you, but that only cuts off your route back to the ocean. Too late to stop you from hiding upstairs!

Of course, now you have to find a good hiding spot before they follow you up here. Your waterway connects to a lot of the different rooms – you can flow between different fishtanks and pools (just in case there’s a customer that needs beach babe-ing in their room or something) so you have a lot of options. Right now you need somewhere they’re not going to find you, though!

Uh. The pool! Yeah, that sounds good. There’s a bunch of beach babes already out next to it sunbathing and swimming and stuff, so maybe you can hide yourself between them…

You’re barely in place before you hear them arrive.

“WHERE IS THE MONSTER, MINIONS?! TELL ME OR SUFFER MY WRATH!”

Yeah, kinda hard to mistake them. And you were right, she really nailed that ‘wrath’.

“Calm down, Magical Blade,” her friend speaks up, knocking her on the shoulder. “These girls are innocent victims, we need to-”

“Oh hey girls!” One of your beach buddies sits up and notices them, waving her over. “Water’s fine, come join in!”

No no nonono, don’t draw their attention over here! Damnit, why did you make your girls so dumb? In hindsight it feels like a really bad decision that’s probably led to a lot of your problems today. But that can’t be right. Maybe you should have made them dumber?

Fortunately, from your position hiding under a few pool toys, you can see the blonde one shaking her head. “No thank you, citizen. In fact, right now we’d advise that everyone stay away from the water in all forms. We believe it’s carrying a magical contagion that would go a long way towards explaining your current… forms.”

Excuse me? What did they just say? Did those jerks just call you a contagion?! Ew! You are perfectly clean and sanitary, thank you, no germs at all!

“Eh? Contay-what?” Okay yeah maybe a little too dumb. They’re so cute though! “Well whatever, the water’s great! Here, try some!” The babe gets up and starts splashing the pool water at the new arrivals, who both shriek and jump back. Unfortunately, that just gets the attention of all the other babes.

“Pool fight!” And they all jump in, splashing, giggling, jiggling, and just in general having a great time. You almost wish you could join in, but-No, wait, girls, stop that!

“THERE YOU ARE!”

Eeep! No, they knocked your pool toy float away! You squeal and zip down, just barely making it out of the pool before that massive sword miss shouty keeps swinging cracks the tiles open. Okay, swim swim swim, where can you hide now?

You’re flowing more by instinct than by plan now, so when you end up in one of the empty dining hall fish tanks, it’s more of an accident than anything. Still, you take advantage, quickly squishing yourself down into the form of a small blue fish. And not a moment too soon – your pursuers burst into the room just as soon as you’re done.

“Careful,” Blondie mutters, stepping inside. “She’s in here somewhere. We don’t want her getting the drop on us.”

“SHE’S A COWARD,” the red head yells. What was it blondie called her, Magical Blade? That does sound like a magical girl name, sure. “IF SHE HAD ANY HONOUR SHE WOULD FACE ME LIKE A WARRIOR.”

Mean!

“Alas, most of our opponents are pretty cowardly,” the blonde sighs, looking around. It’s not lunch time, so no one else is in here at the moment. “This one in particular is a water elemental – that must be how she’s corrupting all of these people. If she can trick them into drinking the water here, then she can do whatever she wants with them.”

“What?! Nuh-uh, that’s totally not how it works at all! You don’t trick anyone, and you don’t need them to drink or anything! Ugh, that’s the thing about you humans. You don’t understand magic at all!”

Huh, who said that?

…

It… It was some other Undine, right?

…

Like, they swam in, yelled at the magical girls currently trying to kill you, and then swam away, yes?

…

Because, you know, it’d be super ultra mega dumb for you to give away your location by…

…

Oh shoot.

You scream and fire yourself back into the water network through the spa, leaving just in time to avoid bisection, and wincing at all the water that just spilled out of the fish tank. Ugh, they’re totally breaking everything. Repairs are gunna be, like, so expensive, your business friend is always complaining about that stuff. But whatever, as long as you’re alive and you can escape, then-Gack!

Something slams into the pipe you were travelling through – a magical bullet that tears straight through the metal, and the ceiling it was running through. You find yourself spilling out into the middle of a hallway, the blonde in black and red smirking as smoke trails from her extended index finger.

“Gotcha,” she gloats. “Should have varied up your escape routes, monster. Way too predictable.”

Eep!

“NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN NOW, FIEND!” Magical Blade cuts you off from scampering down to the other end of the hall, her gigantic sword back in her hand. “PREPARE TO PERISH!”

Eeeeeeep!

“Oh hey, here you are!”

All three of you blink, turning to the new voice intruding on your dramatic showdown. It’s one of your girls! Oh, it’s the one from the pool, the one who started the splash fight! Heh, you’re getting better at this ‘recognising humans’ thing.

And she has a bucket.

Splash!

A bucket which she has just emptied out over the three of you!

“Gotcha~” She giggles, smiling like the sun. “See? I told you it wasn’t so bad!”

Then she skips away back to the pool, vanishing as quickly as she appeared. You really did quite a something on those girls, huh?

Meanwhile, your two tormenters seem a little upset.

“H… Huh?” The pair are looking down at themselves. They’re absolutely dripping wet. Those babes carried a lot of water over. Dumb, but determined! But these two look… surprised?

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS THE WATER?” The loud one asks.

Blondie looks even more confused. “I thought it was!” she protests, before shaking her head. “Maybe we misjudged this entire-blub?!?”

You weren’t listening, though, because you’ve had more than enough of all this. If they’re going to lower their guard for some reason, it’s time to strike!

“It’s not the water! Jerks!” You yell as you slam your power into the local water supply – the sprinkler system overhead. “It’s me when I do this!”

And then magically infused cleansing water, the most powerful stuff you’ve ever made, slams down on them like an ocean wave. You’re drawing everything the system’s got down on these two right now, and making sure they never do anything like this ever again!

Fwoooosh!

There go those miniskirts and leotards! They were kind of cute, but they’re totally inappropriate for the beach! Well, they’re not really, but you’ve got a better idea for them. That’ll come in a moment, though. First…

BOING!

You need to enhance their curves like that! Both women’s busts surge outwards, going from modest in blondie’s case and flat in red’s to mega-melons! Big as their heads, yeah! Only the best babes on your beach after all. You like ‘em curvy, and curvy’s what you’re gunna get! They look a little shocked at the sudden weight, but they’ll forget all about it in a moment – along with a lot of other things.

Squeeeeege!

Furious trails of water lance in through the woman’s ears, soaking through every obstruction to reach their brains and start cleaning. This time, you’re gunna be thorough. You concentrate and make sure to wash out all of those facts and memories, skills and techniques, anything that they could use to threaten you. They nearly killed you! You definitely don’t want that happening again.

Besides, none of your girls need any of that stuff. They just need to giggle, wiggle, jiggle, and have fun! And that’s definitely all that these babes will be able to do now that you’re done with them. You can see it in their eyes, as their confusion and surprise fades into dull, goofy grins. Oh yeah, their brains are nice and smooth now – as polished as a bowling ball, and just about as dense. That’s much better.

As one final touch, you give them another quick wash and summon them a pair of skimpy bikinis – a white one for red, and a black one for blonde. You’re still not actually sure about their names, but at this point, neither are they! Everyone wins.

And… there. Done. You let out a bubbly sigh of relief as you stop the spray of water, and look over your two new pals. And oooh, you might have outdone yourself this time. Blondie is now entertaining herself by seeing how high she can get her boobs to bounce (the answer is pretty high, wow! That’s serious jiggle!) and red is cutting to the chase and outright groping herself. Both of them look waaaaay happier than they did before.

Yeah, you’re probably going to be keeping these two for yourself.

Naturally, it’s only when you’re finishing up that your business friend finally arrives, sprinting down the hall to stare at the wreckage in shock. The burst pipes. The broken ceiling. The great big sword embedded in the floor. Ooooh, she probably hasn’t even seen the pool and the fish tank yet…

“What… What happened?!” She asks, staring at you in shock.

“A few too many beach babes,” you shrug to her as you walk out, arms around your two newest friends, planning to show them how to really enjoy the beach. “I think it’s kinda gotten out of hand, don’t you?”