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advice ep!!! (Patreon)

Published:
2024-06-08 23:26:32
Imported:
2026-06

Content

it's time for an ADVICE EP and i feel like this one is gonna rule!!

submit your tales and requests for advice and we will advise! things we can offer inter alia:

-legal advice

-medical advice

-financial advice

-NLRB department of advice

-love & romance advice

-candy and treats advice

-parenting advice (how to do it poorly)

-advice on getting jacked

-cat, cat hair, cat nutrition and cat troubleshooting

all this and much more!!! what's on your mind??

Comments

Andrew Swann

How much of my yearly income should I put in retirement

Kent Kersten

Can you share a guide to bringing kids to NYC?

Ben

What automatic and/or smart things do you use for your cats?

Steve Babitz

Excluding this instance where I am asking for advice, I feel like I don’t really need advice about anything pretty much ever. Without knowing me at all, what do you think might be wrong with me? Thank you.

A. M.

is there maybe a podcast email address I can send my question to? it's kinda long

Folks,,

How to stop wishing extreme ill on those that have wronged me. I’m like “oh yeah holding onto anger is holding onto a hot coal, it only hurts u” but I keep having intrusive thoughts about these people weeping when they discover they can never have kids and weird bad shit like that. In the past I feel like it’s been easier to be magnanimous when your life is good and rn my life kinda sucks (not objectively objectively it’s good); do I just need to wait until it gets a bit better and in the meantime keep fantasizing about sending anonymous letters being like “your husband is cheating on you” and hoping it drives them insane

Folks,,
>>140325743

Sorry for the weird long question but I’m not gonna delete it because I do want to know

Paul G.

How should I deal with my crappy landlord (bad about fixing things, looking to screw me over with the security deposit, etc.)?

Marcy Snyder

Im a 4th year med student on an ICU rotation and we have an inmate from a local prison admitted to the unit. The guards outside his room have told us we aren’t allowed to even tell his family that he is any hospital, let alone our hospital, or update them on his condition. The docs I’m working with seemed to take this at face value and I was wondering if you could offer any other advice. I’m just a student so my power is pretty limited, but this seems insanely evil.

Daniel Roberts

I know the whole religious child raising thing has supposedly been answered many times with "matt's ok with it because Catholic values are fine", but I'd love to hear you talk specifically about the religious aspect. Like, "matt's cool with the kids being taught divinity is real / Mary is to be worshipped becsuse...". Stuff like that. Also, how about Liz and Matt debate the existence of God. That would be something boy I tell you.

Folks,,
>>140325457

I’m not Matt but max 401k match if you have it and then the rest is probably a function of how much you make, how early you want to retire, and how you want to live when you retire

TC

My friend has recently become involved in a poly situationship (it's not formal and they're not using any of the lingo, but it definitely fits the bill). She's sleeping with the husband of a couple that she's close with, meanwhile the wife is sleeping with my friend's roommate (female). Now she's trying to end things with the husband without ruining the friendship the four of them have developed, but doesn' know how to do it without blowing the whole thing up for everybody. What advice would you give her? Thanks.

chris degener

Any reading and writing advice? How much, how often, how you pick what to read?

Skeleton Key

Let’s say someone under-saved when they were younger, and now are looking at having to work into their 70s even after putting the max amount into their 401k every year. Is this person just fucked or is there some better way to save for retirement?

Steve Zitelli

I was listening to a father Mike Schmitts sermon and he launched right into a “socialism is theft” tangent. What’s the deal with that?

Justin Apperson

How do you do you apply for jobs and do interviews for them without experiencing some kind of psychosis

Josh B

Does a discharge-related ULP also support a wrongful discharge in violation of public policy claim? Or are they unrelated/exclusive remedies?

Andrew Swann

Are we pro or con magisterium? Also, if we were to rename it, what would the new name be?

TC

Do you think there's a correlation between getting jacked and becoming more right-wing, less egalitarian?

Phil R.

Backpacking question for Matt: I was recently backpacking solo. Dispersed camping so people can set up their tents anywhere they want. I had a really great spot overlooking the lake. There were plenty of other established spots but few as good as this one. Then a young woman arrived and set up camp about eight feet away from me; basically in the same spot as me. She didn't say a word - just set up camp. Really killed the vibe - don't like others in my space in the wilderness. I didn't do anything - just fumed a little. Should I have said something?

Caitlin Still

In the past couple of years I’ve found myself gravitating back to my Catholic origins. I actually think often of what you said, Liz, to one Bruhead confessing an intellectual interest in Catholicism, where the faith hasn’t quite followed. Something to the effect of ‘if the door is ajar, then open it’. Morally, I am drawn to Catholicism by its deep investment in human misery. Still, it’s got me troubled, probably in large part because of the dominant trad stream of online Catholicism. These particular adherents are hardly an authority; while rubbed up the wrong way by their rigidity though, I’m no longer confident that I can reject certain tenets of the faith just because they don’t make sense to me. I’m concerned about a lot of things, like if I’m betraying my two best friends who are in a lesbian couple, or if I’ve just elected à la carte Catholicism in neglecting to pray for my Jewish husband’s conversion, or if I’ve endlessly profaned the body of Christ given that—like pretty much any other Catholic I know—by going up to communion despite my first confession being my only one. I wonder if I’m wrong to feel deeply uncomfortable with certain public displays of evangelisation. I’d love to hear a bit about your experience of being called to the faith and reconciling those elements of culture and modernity that seem incompatible with it. And finally: when life has you so desperate it leaves you with little to do but prostrate yourself and pray… where do you even begin?

Kenan Anderson

How important is having similar religious beliefs in a marriage? You and Matt seem to do super well together even without being totally on the same page religiously. Do you think people underrate or overrate the importance of that? Did you two discuss this before getting married?

Katherine

Legal advice: in the state of Tennessee can we void a prenup with just a notarized statement indicating our intention to void it? The agreement that we drew up (with attorneys) only says that any modifications need to be in writing, signed by both parties, and done “in the same formality as set forth herein” (obligatory “Daddy he’s different”, true love, etc.)

TW

Liz I missed the day of RCIA where you actually learn how to do confession, and I feel really weird and insecure about it now. How does one do it, what level of granular detail do I need to give? Like if I don’t want to be super specific about the sin can I just sort of say what category it falls in. Thinking sex related things specifically.

TW

Could you guys just sort of talk about debate stuff? Like the rules and strategies and stuff. I think if I had taken debate I would have a better mind for thinking about args in the real world, and since it’s too late to go back in time maybe you can help me now.

Dustin

Advice on best finance app and budget categories. For example, how refined are you budget categories?

Jeanne
>>140325858

Do the girls go to Sunday school? (Does your church do catechesis of the good shepherd?) and what do they seem to get out of it, if anything?

Jeanne

What are the most important virtues for a person to have?

Nick Cee

My wife is about to become a SAHM for our 1 year old. Any advice or thoughts? I'd love recommendations on types of activities for this age. We also will have to cut spending a bit so any good budgeting tips could help as well.

KH

I am a public school teacher in a state where public employees cannot legally have a union. Our statewide version of the NEA is an interest group basically that cannot bargain for contracts. Is there anything I can do to fight for worker rights in this situation where a union cant represent me or my colleagues?

Chance Walker

if you’re a straight guy dating a bi woman how many medals of honor should congress give you for bravery and service?

Ligma

My cat just died can I get a RIP to Olivia?

James Priest

Matt have you ever heard of a “war clause” in regard to long term disability? At my previous employer I was denied LTD, due to the fact I was claiming my PTSD from serving in Iraq. Basically was told they would not cover me bc the condition occurred in a war.

Jack Brownfield

What are some good summer soups to make?

Guy Giberson

Even though my politics are pretty similar to you guys, you seem way more mellow about it all than me. My sense of impending doom totally stresses me out. How do you guys stay so chill?

Jack Brownfield

How to make a long-distance, especially internet-originating relationship work. I know lots of people have done this (meeting on twitter or wherever) and are now married but it seems like a difficult transition, especially because eventually you need to be in the same place which is a big leap for one partner to make

Sarah
>>140327307

public library storytime is how i met like 80% of my fellow mom friends. once you get hooked up with some of those then you can always go to the park together, go to each other’s houses, etc. two adults with 2-4 kids is easier than one adult with one kid sometimes!

Sarah

why the fuck does my cheesecake filling always turn out lumpy. yes i get the cream cheese to room temp (ish) yes i incorporate the eggs slowly

David Marques

What is your advice for getting jacked?

Sarah
>>140325743

it helps me to contemplate how everyone used to be a child, and specifically to imagine the adult asshole who is pissing me off now as a child, think about what their childhood was like, remember that they were once extremely vulnerable, trusting, got hurt, etc. mr rogers bullshit basically

Norman X. Picklestein

Liz+Matt: as a new parent, I think a lot about the Best Stuff to do for my child. But I also suspect that most childhood development advice / science is garbage. Aside from the obvious stuff (don't drop the child, or expose them to lead, have a stable household, etc.), how can you really know what is responsible for healthy / productive / whatever child development if you can't run controlled experiments for the obvious ethical reasons? What is your approach to this literature? Do you think there is a scientifically-informed way to raise a child? If so, what is it?

Sam Sturm

Matt: If someone already knows some programming, how would they start setting up a basic website from scratch like mattbruenig.com ?

dyl0n123

Is home ownership in a major metro area worth it at this point?

Charles Sapienza

Liz’s position on abortion occasionally pops up on Twitter. What’s your advice on how to best characterize and defend Liz’s position? I’m sure you’ll say I should just ignore them or pull a Matt-style troll, but I share your position and I’m compelled to defend it. I sincerely want a society where mothers and babies are so valued and supported that abortion rates significantly drop even if it’s 100% legal, free, and accessible. Love you guys!

Molly

How did you guys settle on the division of domestic work/childcare you have, and on your work/life balances in general? Struggling to navigate this now with two young kids, seems like you guys have settled on a very functional but perhaps non-traditional arrangement and I’m curious to hear how you got there.

Gina Burton

Liz, what are you baking these days? Any chance you could share some pics with your old twitter friends who miss seeing your creations?

Alex Brown

If you have a desire to create something but don’t find yourself particularly talented at doing so (ie not great at writing), how do you get better?

Cheetahforce

An announcement on Chomsky's decline in health is making the rounds on social media. He's 95 and for the last year has been unable to correspond with the public. What are your thoughts on Chomsky's influence, for you personally or for the left in general?

Bernie Mac

How to find balance in life? Is it better to do several things well or one thing perfectly

Bernie Mac

will we see political change in our lifetime

David Diaz

I'm (28) a teacher and my husband (29) is a dentist in Hawai'i. We are recently married, have been together for 5 years, and bought a condo together. He is considering specializing, which could triple his already large income. The only problem is, to specialize, he would have to leave our isolated archipelago for over 2 years. He plans to return to the island afterwards, but I don't want to leave our home and my life I've built here. Is the financial gain worth being in a long distance relationship for so long?

djp2500

I’m gonna be the caretaker looking after the Overlook Hotel during the winter closure, but I’m trying to finish my novel. Any advice for writing creatively while working a full time job, and should I be concerned about the evil spirits haunting the hotel???

Andrea

When people say "let it go" I can't - how can I let go of old grudges that I've been holding onto for years?

David Diaz
>>140327596

Solidarity from a teacher's union rep! You are making me thankful that I have a union, even if I complain about them

Eric Neal

How do you start learning to code? Harvard has that free class and there are tons of things on YouTube. Where would you start?

Aaron

Hi Liz, Have you read any particularly good contemporary fiction recently you'd care to recommend?

Carl

Liz if you don't mind answering a question about your depression, were there any symptoms of it you didn't realize were symptoms until after you began therapy/treatment?

verbrannt
>>140332370

Of course it depends on the details, but yes it is. It's certainly a more reliable store for your wealth than the stock market.

verbrannt
>>140335816

No. If you're stable and happy, hold on to it. 2Y long distance is too hard on a relationship. Move together, temporarily, *maybe*. Time >>> money.

Corndog
>>140336838

Look up an IDE that you can use to write/run the language you want to learn. Python is always a good starting point. Once you set that up and can run “hello world” start trying out whatever tutorials look cool. Keep an eye out for dependencies/libraries a given tutorial might need installed, sometimes they don’t mention them explicitly (they should)

Corndog

Cat question: Is it good that I call my cat names like “dummie” and “little stupid” if I say it in a cute voice?

haz
>>140335816

I say take the risk if your teacher credential transfers — go with him, visit home twice a year, rent out the condo. you are young and presumably don’t have children yet (if you plan on it) and this is the time to expand your horizons - you’re already set to come home to paradise afterwards.

Azmarino

Mrs Bruenig 🙋🙋 My friend converted to Catholicism and was baptised over Easter weekend. She was an absolute CUMSLUT but is now chaste and entering the dating ring looking for marriage. She’s 27 next April. She wants to marry a fellow catholic but she’s expressed her doubts to me concerning whether any guy would want to marry her once they’d discover her past. I tried to offer some hope by telling her love covers over a multitude of sins and so forth. However, she’s asked me for more specific advice like if the topic of bodycount comes up during courtship, should she confess honestly(her BC is in the 70s) or juss lie and give a real low number? Idk what 2 say. As a guy with many a guy friend, I can’t lie and say most dudes I know catholic or otherwise wouldn’t immediately run away.But if she lies, is that a good foundation to start a relationship on? Plus, if the lie is discovered there’s double trouble: her lieing and her past. A guy I know was initially infatuated with a girl but his friends trying to look out for him brought over some info about her public hoeing and he ended things pretty quickly. Men r very sensitive to their reputational capital and it seems a primordial fear of most guys being known as the guy who “wife’d the hoe” or to get a tap on the shoulder in a shopping aisle by a dude and hear: “bro is that ur girl? Y’know we’ve all had her right?!🤭” What do I tell my friend Mrs Bruenig? I want the best for her.

Abby

Liz, I just moved to the UK. What do I need to do/eat while I’m here?

Ronald Peabus

This isn't an advice question but wondering if Matt is across the strikes in Faroe Islands? A family member has been holidaying there and apparently there's been a huge workers strike (rubbish collectors, childcare workers, cleaners, dock workers etc) since middle of May and there are now shortages of fresh food.

Pepijn Uitterhoeve

When my mum died last year I adopted her cats. One has had diarrhea fever since (it started when she was dying and when they were getting neglected) Ive poured incredible amounts of money in diagnosis at two different vets because none of the standard fixes amounted to anything. The only thing that showed up on an echo were signs of inflammation in the gut. His organs are fine, his blood is fine, but if we feed him anything other than dry food with good digestive properties, I find myself cleaning lakes of liquid poop multiple times a day. What do?

KMB24

Very random but: Matt, how do you deal with a kid who definitely still needs to nap but is convinced they do not need to nap?

John

I want to unionize the local plasma donation bank, where people who would really rather have a welfare state donate 880mL of blood plasma twice per week for about $60 per donation. The company that draws the plasma sells it for at least 10x that, if not substantially more. The US is only one of four countries where this is legal and lets you donate twice as much as the next country, Germany (104x per year vs 50x). I found out about blood donor unions in the early 1900s and I am intrigued by the idea. I'm sure the phlebotomists working there are probably being exploited too. Any thoughts, ideas on where to begin?

Christopher Lewis

Where should young lawyers focus their efforts? What do the prospects look like for someone getting a job as a labor lawyer?

Corndog

How is Connecticut generally to live/raise a family? Just wrapping up a weekend on Lake Candlewood and it’s absolutely beautiful.

Tanvi Acharya

Did you guys sleep train your kids? And when and how did you potty train them?

Chiara Rohz

Can liz talk about intuitive eating? I never struggled with body image or weight much but now I have two kids and a crazy sweet tooth. I'm alwats tempted to just basically starve myself to lose weight but would like to have a better approach. Also what are the best and worst things about living where you live and what are you most looking forward to about getting older

sarah
>>140351531

Why not just feed him the food that doesn’t make him sick?

a.j. archer

liz, have you ever internalized your haters' voices, and if so, how do you block them out enough to keep writing?

A. M.

my mother passed recently and I was talking to my dad on the phone and he told a story about getting a happy ending at a massage parlor (which I don't really care about) but then for some reason he immediately said "and you know, it made me think--I don't know if I'd really call it a fantasy--but it had me thinking what if I'm out with you and your sister and your friends and one of your friends wanted to go home with me? how mad would you be?" (not expecting an answer). I was surprised and brushed the second part off in the moment, but it did disgust and bother me. my question is, do I tell my sister? if he's coming to our gatherings and fantasizing about these things? in my head it's almost a question of safety. I talked to my father about it privately a month later and he fumed that he doesn't have anything to apologize for and stormed off. for context my sister and I are in our thirties.

Nick Cee
>>140327307

Thank you that's much appreciated, and looks like our local libraries have several!

Pepijn Uitterhoeve
>>140351531

a.j. : he gets diarrhea from everything. Raw meat, cooked meat, fish, jelly, the wrong type of dry food, prey, it doesnt matter sarah: we fed him the dry food for a while but he hated it, got really skinny, and became an obnoxious thief and scavenger.

Michael C
>>140325809

There are outrageous restrictions in situations like this. I’ve been on the family end of it and communications came to us through a social worker employed by the hospital. Would look for some route like that or an attorney. Presumably it varies a ton regionally.

Marcy Snyder
>>140325809

I’m so sorry you went through that with a family member, thanks for replying back. I just think it’s unacceptable to not be able to receive medical updates from someone who is medically trained and can actually answer medical questions like a doctor. They told us we could call the warden who would relay the message but this just seems like a recipe for a game of telephone and misinformation.

Ncswann

Maybe seek advice from other podcasts on how to release episodes in regular intervals of time? 😏😎

dyscostic

I have jury duty and believe in civic responsibility and duty to the polis, so I won't avoid it, despite knowing the justice system is a farce. I'd appreciate either of your insights on which circumstances necessitate jury nullification.

Brendan Comfort

What company is Matt's White Whale against which to file a ULP?

Charlie Douglas

Hi Bruenigs, I have a cat-adjacent scenario/question, The story goes like this: Last Saturday, I went to the local animal shelter to adopt a cat. I have an old fat cat already and I had decided that he needed a companion. The only cat left there was an extremely sweet and affectionate black kitty named Salem. The shelter told me that she had been surrendered with little info by a family that had owned her for less than a month. My partner and I liked her immediately and adopted her. The following Tuesday I took her into the vet to get checked out. Everything seemed okay, but as I was leaving someone pulled me aside and told me that she used to belong to one of the vet techs there. She told me that she had given the cat to a friend of hers a month prior because of an unspecified chaotic living situation which was now resolved and then asked the friend for the cat back, but got no response, learned somehow that the cat had been surrendered to the shelter and had gone after work to pick her up only to learn that I had beaten her to it by 10 minutes. Because I was kind of put on the spot, I kept the cat in the moment, but gave her my contact info. A few days later she followed up with a long text explaining the situation more thoroughly - she had been moving to another country and couldn't take the cat with, but those plans had fallen through, and she further assured me that she wouldn't rehome the cat and missed her terribly. Because I'm not made of stone, I agreed to give the cat to her and all seemed well, but I'm getting a *lot* of pushback from a friend of mine. My friend says that the cat chose me, I don't know this lady, I could give the cat a better home, etc, etc. I'm kind of bewildered by this, it seemed the right thing to do, no? What are your thoughts?

Ryan Conway

how to grow as an individual while in a relationship

ryguy

I have no kids but my sister is pregnant for the first time do you have any advice on being a cool uncle?

thebruenigs
>>140375728

tell him you're already taking all the chicks home and none of them want a hairy old pervert

Erin

How does one deal with crushes whilst happily married??

Jackson

Advice for remaining spiritually upright in a fallen world? Love the show.

S
>>140325743

-writing letters you never send is a tried and true practice for relocating thoughts that will not stop bouncing around. -the best advice i’ve ever received was that you do not need to exert energy into bringing people down—they will do that themselves with their behavior. the consequences of our actions have a way of catching up with us. [caveat, RoE change if they are actively *harming* others.] -time (by which people really mean distance, perspective).

a.j. archer
>>140329193

i make cheesecake with labne in place of cream cheese and in my experience it comes out really even and creamy. the karoun brand is pretty accessible at the major supermarket chains around here, but failing that a desi or halal market will usually have labne as well. a 50/50 blend with cream cheese/labne is nice too, and in a pinch, i think cream cheese/sour cream would even work to help smooth out the filling. you just might have to increase the sugar to your taste. i hope this helps and i wish you many delicious cakes in the future

Guy Giberson
>>140325743

Just feel blessed that your hateful energy is directed toward people who have merely wronged you, rather than someone you deeply love. You have the luxury of becoming an unambiguously holier person by forgiving.

James
>>140326439

The more jacked I get the more leftist I get Che had the ideal male body

Henry George
>>140335927

I'm not Liz (or Matt I guess) but I highly recommend the framework developed by psychiatrist Phil Stutz for this. He calls this problem "the Maze" and recommends using the "Active Love" tool to address this. Active Love does involve "sending" love to your enemies, which may strike some folks as suspiciously Christian, but I have found it really helped me out. You can probably get a copy of Stutz's book "The Tools" at your library for more information.

Henry George

Matt, What are some protected activities that you would recommend employees engage in? Specifically I'm looking for activities people can engage in so that have a basis for an NLRB complaint if they are mistreated BUT that will not necessarily be interpreted as a sign of being disloyal or disgruntled. Assume this is not a unionized workplace.

S Funch

Matt and Liz, do to being the only child in the family I will have the opportunity to inherit three house in a extreme hcol area. Everyone is telling me to become a landlord but it doesn’t fit well with me. What would you do?

Folks,,
>>140739475

Be a landlord, but a good one. Fix shit when it's broken. Don't price gauge. Sometimes it's better to rent then it is to buy; the problem is that most landlords are the scum of the earth. If you can be a good one, be a good one.

Folks,,
>>140336838

With respect to verbrannt and Corndog, I got this advice when I wanted to learn how to code, and it didn't work for me (it might for you, I'm pretty bad at it naturally). What worked for me was Codecademy. Lots of people recommend python but I would actually recommend JavaScript --- it's the most popular language in the world, you can use it on the front and back ends, and it's slightly less "magic" then python (e.g. the way it implements loops), which will be better in the long run in terms of understanding what you're writing. It also depends on what you want to do. If you want to do data manipulation, python. If you want to create websites, JS.

Henry George

In the war of the Matts, Matt Bruenig's forces are defeated and with them the dream of a Nordic welfare state is now dead. Matt must now choose who to support for the remainder of the conflict. In the final battle will Matt B fight for Matt Stoller's dream of an unconcentrated antitrust utopia or Matt Yglesias's dream of smug centrist liberalism? Whoever wins will set the economic agenda for a hundred years.

Kevin C
>>140336838

I can personally vouch for Harvard’s CS50. I think it’s just about the best course I’ve ever taken in my life and it’s not even close. It’s quite difficult, but extremely rewarding and you walk away with a very solid foundation in CS that you can take in any direction you want. The course goes from low level languages (C) to high level stuff (SQL, Python, etc). This gives you a little taste of all different kinds of programming, so after the course you can follow your interests. I think when you’re a beginner, concrete problems that make you think and concrete feedback on those problems are pretty much the most valuable thing you can get. And CS50 has it in spades. Worth the investment in time. I can also vouch for Automate the Boring Stuff found above. Good place if you’re looking for easy stuff you can learn that might be directly applicable to your life if you work with computers at all.

thebruenigs
>>140506895

Just blow it off. Throw the thoughts on the pile of 'stupid shit I think about in the course of a day.'

Andrea

Thank you for answering my question <3