[Criticism Corner] Uncovering Marvel's Santa (Patreon)

So it's time for another holiday video.  This one was ROUGH and I had to rewrite it over and over again.  I think the end result is pretty fun though.

- Pours eggnog and brandy -

So I’m a bit frustrated here.  See, I’ve been trying to avoid talking about Marvel’s version of Santa for years because I’ve seen him covered by so many other channels which is why last year, I decided to do the version from DC Comics since practically nobody but me seemed to know anything about him.

This year, I figured I’d do Marvel’s to make things even and because this is Comic Drake, you KNOW that I put in an obsessive amount of research to make sure that you’re getting the most accurate information possible and what I found… is that pretty much every other channel covering Marvel’s Santa barely scratched the surface and they just read off some stuff they found on Wikipedia.

Look, no shade here.  I’ve done quick and easy videos too, but after going through EVERY SINGLE appearance that Santa has ever made in Marvel Comics over the years, I’ve not only found that the Wiki page had errors (of to side: that I fixed), but also that Marvel’s Santa is one of the most batshit insane things that they’ve had to offer and this is from the same company that turned Captain America into a werewolf and released official comics based on The Pope.

So today, let’s take a deep dive into the weird, completely all over the place, and highly contradictory mess that is the Santa Claus of Marvel Comics.

The character of Marvel’s Santa is one of the most powerful beings in their entire universe.  On many an occasion, he’s been implied to be a mutant.  I mean in one of his early appearances, Santa was noticed by the X-Men and was noted as being the most powerful mutant that Cerebo had ever recorded.

He has a whole slew of powers, abilities, and gear that make him a formidable opponent and even though he tries to not get into fights, it’s happened from time to time.  Old Saint Nick is an immortal being that has the inherent ability to tell who’s naughty and nice, change the size of objects without Pym Particles, teleport, turn people into toys, create snow, and plenty more.  Also, he’s physically a strong dude, but reaches his full strength during Christmas Eve, allowing him to lift two tons!

Santa’s magic sack is a portal to a storage dimension that he discovered himself and his sleigh can circle the globe, visiting every single house, in just one night.  It’s pulled by magical reindeer that quite possibly were won in a poker match against Odin, the All-Father of Asgard.

All of this could be true, but at the same time, none of it could be either.  See, I originally  wanted this video to be a run through every one of Santa’s appearances in Marvel Comics over the decades, but nothing adds up!   The Marvel universe has been one long running continuity ever since they released the Fantastic Four #1 in 1961, but after that, plenty of older comics that they published before then like Captain America and Patsy Walker were retconned into taking place in that same universe.  Santa is no exception.

The issue is that there’s no real rhyme or reason as to who Marvel Santa is as a person since back in the pre-Fantastic Four era, Klaus was a mysterious figure that popped up from time to time to either teach folks a lesson or give them elaborate gifts, but nowadays, writers can do anything they want with him.  You want Santa Claus to have a gas powered sleigh who teams up with Howard the Duck to fight an evil humanoid lightbulb?  Sure!  Want him to be a badass wizard taking on the Krampus?  Sure!  How about a shambling drunken mess in his underwear that a bunch of kids hire Deadpool to kill by raising money through GoFundMe?  Sure!  All of this is apparently valid because of how Marvel is structured.  Meaning that this is all technically supposed to be the same dude.  Except, no, it also isn’t!

- Downs eggnog in one gulp, gets out a pot of coffee - *Sigh*

Okay, look.  Marvel has made plenty of comedy books over the years that go from light chuckles and fourth wall breaks to straight up absurd and ridiculous ideas and concepts.  Yet most of them still take place in the mainstream Earth-616 continuity so what does and doesn’t happen in these comedy books within the broader scope of the Marvel universe is handled on a case by case basis.  I’m like ninety nine percent sure that this is all done to piss off overly pedantic nerds like me who are trying to apply logic and consistency to completely non-serious stuff and YUP.  It’s working.

But here’s the thing.  Marvel has given Santa Claus an entry in their Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe which is a pretty definitive source for all things Marvel Comics.  More or less every appearance that Santa has made over the years is listed in his history section.  The time he showed up in the She-Hulk series to flirt with her and use his power of knowing who’s naughty and nice to become a detective who solves murders?  It’s there!  The time he accidentally sold his workshop to the terrorist organization, Hydra, and needed to be saved by Howard the Duck, a bunch of heavily armed mall Santas, a snot nosed child dressed as Wolverine, and elves piloting mech suits?  It’s there!  The time that Santa was injured by Doctor Doom and tasked him with delivering gifts that year as Santa Doom?  It’s there!

Wait a second.  That story about Santa Doom and a few others in Santa’s handbook entry are from a comedy series called What The?  And if I remember correctly, that entire series takes place in Earth-9047, also known as the Humorverse.

And wait ANOTHER second.  The handbook also mentions the story of when Hitler kidnapped Santa in order to lower the United State’s morale during World War II, but that took place on Earth-77640, another comedy-centric universe.  Not to mention that this is further backed up by an interview that Marvel released WITH Santa himself where he ALSO mentions that kidnapping by Hitler.

All of these events from multiple universes as the history of one character seems to imply that Marvel’s Santa Claus is actually a multiversal being and can appear all over the multiverse in various shapes and forms.  This is supported by another section of the handbook which mentions that Kris Kringle is a magical entity that’s an amalgam of all of the myths surrounding him and is powered by humanity’s belief in them.  Not only that, but Santa is stated to take on many different names and forms all across the world, somewhat similar to how the cosmic being, Galactus, looks different to everyone who sees him.

But there’s just a small issue with that theory.  There was a quick story about how the Illuminati, a group of some of Marvel’s most powerful heroes, loaned Santa the Infinity Gauntlet as a means to deliver presents when all of his reindeer were replaced by shapeshifting Skrulls.  Because comics.  The handbook explicitly calls out that THAT all took place on Earth-42409, but DOES NOT mention that the other alternate universe stories happened in alternate universes!  This broke me and is why I’ve tried writing this video (I kid you not) five separate times.

But after a lot of time to reflect on the date, the answer is glaringly obvious, and personally, pretty disappointing.  It’s fucking Santa Claus.  He’s a goofy concept that Marvel never meant to take seriously and even though they tried to add some level of cohesion to him, they missed the mark.  I mean it’s neat that Marvel’s Santa really is treated like a figure of folklore, constantly shifting and changing depending on who’s telling the story and in the end, it really doesn’t matter no matter how much I try to force everything into a neat video.  Literally nobody would notice these inconsitencies unless they were specifically dumb enough to binge through every one of Marvel Santa’s appearances and put in an excessive amount of work to make sense of them.

- Sips coffee -

Without the constraints of adhering to strict continuity, Marvel has the freedom to do whatever they want with Santa Claus.  If they want him to pop into the Spider-Man series to fight a robber dressed like him.  Cool.  If he wants to encourage Ghost Rider to beat the shit out of the Krampus.  Cool.  If they want Santa to magically remove himself from the holidays, thus leading to bizarre all new ones like Pantsgiving where people give each other the gift of hot pants.  Awesome.  Because in that instance, at least we have this image of The Punisher in short shorts and I am forever thankful for that.

I’m sorry that the end result of this was pretty lackluster, but if you think there’s something I overlooked then please let me know down there in the comments and hey, while you’re there, tell me if you learned anything new.