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PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Is it Homophobic to be Straight? (Patreon)

Published:
2025-07-28 00:08:42
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2026-06
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Content

This one is just for the Patreon squad. Enjoy.

Comments

Tony D

I'm so glad you're having this conversation! 💜

Erik D Leach

This is a really great topic to challenge oneself and understanding any unconscious bias we may have. My opinion has always been, when it comes to someone’s sexual/romantic preferences, is that it’s theirs to own and to be without judgement—which is tied to why I support anyone who falls into any LGBTQIA identification. But you bring up good points as to why that would change someone’s opinion, but I keep getting conflicted on “that’s their right to choose”. I personally have dated bi-women and have never been an issue with it, so I can only look at this scenario hypothetically, but I do have a friend who came out as bisexual after he got married and had a child with his wife and she was super supportive and cool with it. But I could see where that won’t fly with other people and I could be like “cool, that’s your choice”. I don’t know, it’s a tough one I could go back and forth with and really don’t disagree with what you said. Great topic.

Seth Hart

She claims to be an ally but she doesn't want a direct connection in her family to the LGBTQIA+ community 🧐

Austin Archer
>>181923107

It’s really not that complicated. People are of course allowed to have their preferences of what they find attractive. But if I were to say that it’s just my preference that I don’t find black people attractive would you just be like, “well that’s your choice.” Or would you find that to be a pretty obviously racist preference? I think the answer is clear.

Eddie W

I have to admit I was skeptical at first but you've convinced me. I think it would be easy to draw a false analogy like "But if I found out they had X political beliefs I'd be turned off, how is that different" but the difference would be whether the trait in question is internet to the person. Just my two cents.

Chuck

I will give the *slightest* pushback. I don't think a straight person and a queer person (however that person identifies) is a "straight" relationship. Straight-passing, sure. But IMO, if you are dating a queer person, you are in a queer relationship. I am a fem-passing person who has historically dated cis-men, and even before I came out, those relationships never felt "straight", even when it appeared that way to onlookers. It feels a bit dismissive to refer to your relationships with bisexual women with YOUR sexual identity exclusively.

Austin Archer
>>181923745

That’s a fair assessment I think. But I’m not referring to it with MY exclusive identity, it’s not about prioritizing my identity over my partner’s. I’m just referring to it as what it definitionally is. When a man is dating a woman that’s a straight relationship definitionally (I think, I might be wrong). I guess I just don’t want to appropriate queerness and say “I’m queer now because I’ve been in straight-presenting relationships with people who have queer aspects of their identities, so therefore I’ve been in queer relationships which makes me queer”. Does that make sense? Like as far as I see it I’m still just a straight guy who occasionally dates queer people in straight-presenting ways. Idk this stuff is complex, but definitely worth exploring and thinking about.

Scott Phillips

That's most definitely not the same as homophobia. Just like it's not transphobic to prefer cis gendered partners. I think not wanting to be with them because you're repulsed by their queerness specifically might be homophobic, but some people might not want a bi person because they feel like it adds the other half of the population as competition, for lack of a better word. My gf is bi, and it doesn't bother me at all, but I can see how some people might feel threatened by the fact that they may not be able to offer what other genders can 🤷🏼‍♂️

CJ

Yeah, gotta 100% agree with you on this. And honestly as a straight woman, a man being bi is actually a massive green flag for me. There are three kinds of men who get a double take from me on the apps without fail - blatantly liberal men, cat dads, and bi guys. 😂 My theory is that both are pretty damn good indicators of a man who is emotionally intelligent and who is very comfortable in their own skin. I wish the words like homophobia, racism, misogyny etc. wouldn’t have people on instant defense mode, especially when we’re talking about internalized homophobia and the like. Because honestly, if you don’t think you have some form of internalized prejudice…you just haven’t examined yourself closely enough yet. We are ALL affected by the systemic oppression of marginalized groups. There’s no way you can grow up in and around such systems without it having an effect on your psyche. And it fucking blows once you realize how much you’ve been programmed to hate. For me, I came to this realization when I had to face on my own internalized fatphobia as someone who lives in a fat body. As I finally unhooked from toxic diet culture and studied the history of diet culture and fatphobia I found myself getting so, so, so, so angry. I’m still angry. I was taught to hate myself and to also have distaste for other fat bodies. To think my body as a woman equaled my worth. And once you start unpacking one form of internalized prejudice you will quickly start to uncover all the other ways society has programmed you to judge others. It’s very, very upsetting and I know why people turn away from it. No one wants to face down that part of themselves. But we all have to if we want any kind of progress.

Bookburglar

You bring up points that I have to sit with. Not cause I am dating- happily married - but because I have younger single friends/family. Thanks. You bring topics to the table that I might need to think about.

Austin Archer
>>181926064

But that’s problematic. Feeling threatened by a person’s bisexuality is an issue that should be unpacked. It shouldn’t just be shrugged at. And the fact that it almost always is women who feel threatened by the bisexuality of men and not the other way around shows that there is a specific revulsion to men who are attracted to other men. It displays a clear connection to a patriarchal archetype of a “man” and how men should be fully straight all the time and any deviation is seen as less than or threatening. Your partner is always going to be attracted to other people. The point is whether or not they are actively choosing you.

Benji

I agree, there's really nothing other than an internalised homophobia that can motivate that stance. The preference argument holds very little water, it's like saying you don't want to date someone coz they like spicy food and you don't. Imo that's a pretty poor reason not to date someone who otherwise ticks all your boxes.

Elise Nathan

Totally agree with you there. I’m a black woman who grew up in a PWE and I had a ton of internalized racism that I had to deal with and unpack. Heck I’m 36 and I’m still dealing with the aftermath of all that stuff

Austin Archer
>>181931873

It’s significantly worse though because you’re “preference” is that you categorically refuse to date anyone who happens to be born with an immutable characteristic that they can’t change and that characteristic is one that is highly societally persecuted and stigmatized.

Tanya Dailey

I wonder how I would have reacted before I got out of the cult of Christianity that taught me to hate and fear. Probably not good. Now I find it kind of hot. Glad to be a backslider 🤣

Melissa

100% agree. I actually didn't even know this was a thing, but since it apparently is, yep, definitely sounds queer phobic to me. You put it perfectly. One question, though, and not intending this in a whataboutism way, but as a genuine question: Do you think straight men are — like at scale, as a sociological reality (so not meaning you individually) — actually more accepting of dating bi women than straight women are of dating bi men? And, like, for “good” reasons, i.e. not just the stereotype of straight guys liking the idea of a threesome, or being into lesbian porn or whatever? Because I’m not convinced that that gender difference (straight men vs. straight women re: bi partners) is obvious. I only have personal and anecdotal-level evidence, with myself and female friends not having anything against dating bi men, but absent actual sociological studies, I imagine that’s all any of us have to draw conclusions from so far. You bring up the good point that there could be patriarchal biases operating, with some women wanting certain things in a male partner that are seen as positive in patriarchal society; I’m willing to consider that possibility as part of what could be operating in this phenomenon that I didn’t know was a thing… but I feel like: 1. it’s just as likely for a man’s bisexuality to be seen by women as a plus; most studies show that most women don’t want the stereotypical hypermasculine “strong” man whom men see as the male ideal, and feel safer and more connected with men with “softer” masculine traits of different kinds (which bi-ness could play into in some cases). 2. now that I know this happens at all, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if men in similar numbers have a problem with dating a bi woman, and/or only think it’s fine because they think it’s “hot” in an objectifying way.

Melanie Lolli

I definitely agree with you. I think for a lot of these women they aren’t doing any self reflection. My guess is that just a modicum of internal curiosity would unearth a lot of insecurity and worry of being cheated on. I assume that they think that the person being bisexual means they now have to worry about being cheated on with both women and men. That insecurity needs to be dealt with asap. And because it’s rearing its head based on another person’s sexual orientation, something they cannot change (unlike their personality or accomplishments), I would definitely classify it as homophobia. Insecurity can be changed! Sexual orientation cannot. (I’m so happy to be here! Just subscribed and got to immediately see this video! Have been following since 2020 but for some reason just subscribed to patreon, sorry for my delay! Love you Austin!!)

Melena Codekas

I can honestly say that I had this internal homophobia in my twenties and early thirties. I'm now 48 years old and try to better myself and really listen to people now. If I was single, I probably wouldn't have a problem with a bisexual male as a partner now, as long as they were monogamous. Who they were with prior shouldn't matter. I have a feeling a lot of women that are in their '20s or 30s might change their mind as they get older. As they mature they might understand the nuance of sexual preferences better. But that could just be me and I'm giving more credit to others then I should. Lol. On another note I am so happy that I signed up for your Patreon! It's been a pleasure listening to you 😁

Marcy Novak

I think a similar example that might be easier for people to understand is if you have an online relationship, without actually seeing the other person. You might believe they're white (for example) and feel attracted to them, but when you finally see them in person and realize they're black, and you're no longer attracted, that's racist.

Lucertola

Yes. This is one of the many reasons why people should stop self-identifying as "allies". We are all problematic ppl just trying to (hopefully) work out our shit & move toward being better humans. For anyone who's interested, Tyra (tblizzy on TT) does a lot of content around biases & unpacking. Like she says, we ALL have social conditioning. It's up to each of us to educate ourselves & work to unpack them. Our media has socially conditioned us to be okay with bisexual women bc our culture centers on the male gaze & what they find acceptable. The culture slots in an acceptibility scale (largely attributable to porn & other objectifying media that doesn't adequately represent bi women) & ppl have become more comfortable with bisexual women, even though they still experience biphobia. Men are not on the social/cultural acceptibility scale for bisexuality & the way many straight women react to finding out a partner is bisexual is a glaring indicator of that. Idk if a link will work in here but I'll put it in. This is sort of an introductory unpacking from Tyra concerning dating "preferences". https://youtu.be/PNXvi-2ErGE?feature=shared

Michelle Jordan

This is very interesting, my first thought was “that’s silly, if I don’t want to date bi-sexual men, that’s my choice”. But wrapped in the story you told, everything is clicking, physical attraction, they’re getting the “zha-zha-zu”, and THEN the rejection is because the man is bi…I can see how that can be homophobic even though it still isn’t sitting 100% right with me, I enjoy the mental “push”. I’m 53 and continue to see that I need that. I tended to bristle at first with this topic, and that’s exactly why I enjoy your topics and willingness to explore/talk it out.

Branden Cook

I agree its homophobic and the "they are trying to cancel me cuz Im straight" shit is what racist people do to me when I call out their racism.

Lucas Duff

I think you're right. If you're in a relationship with someone, who they could potentially be attracted to has no impact on your relationship. The only thing that matters in that relationship is you, your partner, and whoever you decide to include.

Austin Archer
>>181943812

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted or not attracted to anyone. Attraction isn’t something you can control after all. There is also nothing wrong with having preferences or boundaries around who you will or won’t date. The problem in this specific scenario is having a personal preference of not wanting to date someone based on an immutable aspect of their identity. It’s no different than saying, “My preference is to not date Jewish people” or “my preference is to not date Chinese people”. You can have that preference, but that doesn’t mean your preference isn’t rooted in clear, overt prejudice toward an entire group of people based on something they can’t possibly control or change.

Austin Archer
>>181935066

I genuinely don’t know the answer to the question. All I can say is in my subjective anecdotal experience it has always been a much bigger issue for my friends who are women to date bi men, than it is for my friends who are men to date bi women. I could only ever speculate as to why that is.

Karen Wilson

It’s definitely homophobic. It’s interesting because when I was younger (I’m in my 50’s now), the idea of dating a bisexual man was very unappealing to me. But I was homophobic as hell back then, which I thankful got over about 15 years ago. Now I can’t possibly see what the problem is. However, I don’t know how much people have control over who they find attractive and what traits they find off-putting. If a man meets a woman and they get along well, but he doesn’t feel attracted to her because she’s overweight, is that fatphobic? Actually, hell yes it is. But even if the guy fully admits that he has a fatphobia problem, he can’t just choose to find her attractive,, and the last thing he should do is date her anyway. I guess all person can do is try to work on their hidden bigotries and also not try to defend those bigotries in public.

Mally_and_the_concrete_duckies

I definitely thought you were bi, but tbh I have seen so many instances of Kinsey 1s and 2s (0 is 0% gay) who consider themselves straight - whether because they don't want to admit it, they don't feel it's worth the trouble of admitting, or they don't even realize that the same sex attraction is, by definition, not straight - that I have basically come to a point of assuming everyone is at least a little bit bi until they indicate otherwise. I'm a bi woman and have been in a straight marriage for 9 years, but my in laws tried to convince my husband to break off the engagement *specifically* because I'm bi. I managed to explain to him that, being monogamous, my attraction to women is equally relevant as my attraction to men: neither of them matter when I am committed to a single person. Just like how him still being hetero doesn't matter when he is committed to a single person. Losing attraction to someone based on immutable traits like race and orientation is an indicator of internalized prejudice. That attraction is still there through, just muffled behind bias. The choice to keep the bias in place was the homophobia - the loss of attraction was the clue that she needed to work on herself. She may not have chosen the bias, but she is choosing to sustain it.

Chairdevil

This stance is essentialism vs constructivism which is not really a settled debate.

Ashley Diviney

Started by wondering if that is homophobic, took a moment to think about it and I didn't have a definitive answer. I'm bi and married to a man who is also bi, so it didn't exactly make sense to me why it would be a problem in the first place. Listening to your argument, it is extremely clear how homophobic it is. I see how people could just glance at it and think it's just preference, but there is so much more nuance to it than that.

Stacy Walker

I think we all harbor internalized misogyny, homophobia, racism, abelism, ageism... At least a little bit. We've all been conditioned with it and it's all been normalized. It's nearly impossible to have zero internalized prejudice. But that's just my opinion and I don't think it's an excuse to be an asshole.

Stacy Walker
>>181976024

It's important to work on them and try to be better but I feel like this society refuses to learn as a whole and we're all influenced in ways we don't even realize sometimes. It's dumb and I hate it.

Jonathan Jones

What are your thoughts on Lesbian or Gay folx who won’t date a bi person? Is that heterophobia? I’m gay and fine with bi guys but I know guys who will not date a bi guy.

Blake Porter

I would submit: if a man dated a Trans woman, I'm pretty sure it's considered a 'queer' relationship, by virtue of the queerness of the Trans woman. But it's a man dating a woman, so it's straight (?). Is there a difference when it's a Trans person vs. a bisexual person?

Anthony Ocean

"I hate that I'm so sorry " 🤣🤣🤣

Anthony Ocean

I wasnt sure how you were going to approach this but I was very pleased. Once again Austin I completely agree with you. Im married to a woman who identifies as queer/non binary. I've learned a hell of a lot from her, but ive also learned a lot from you. I think that your points, while uncomfortable, are accurate. The other day I was talking to Liz (my lady) and I was talking about trans people. How that if I were single and I met someone and then found out after a few dates that they're trans, I'd be upset. Not mad, but I'd see it as dishonest and weird. That being said let me say I'm in full support of Trans people, I get the science, I protest in support and I get it. No issues. But, I clearly have some part of me that does have some gross thing about Trans people I need to unpack. I see that while I am an advocate, I also have something I need to work on. I think if people sat with information before rushing in to retort they might learn quicker, or perhaps more efficiently. I appreciate you making this video and I hope it helps others. Good one Austin!

Rose

I don't date bi guys cos every one I've every met is a bottom (like me)

Ciro DaCosta

I really wonder if the fact that more woman identify as bi is due to the fact that straight men find lesbians an attractive thing vs woman are more "unattracted" to guy on guy stuff. As in, its a more "culturally" acceptable thing. I dont think I know any men that would be put off if they found out that their girlfriend was bi. Most of the time I think they are into it. I think subconsciously we are all kind of programmed by our societal norm or acceptance quite a lot. Even when we don't want to be. So yeah....I wish I had some bi in me too Austin lol

Ciro DaCosta

Something that you didn't talk about that I think might be worth mentioning is the fact that a lot of people don't really validate bi sexual preferences; they think bi men are just secretly gay men who have not accepted that yet, and ironically they think bi women are straight women but are just confused. Even typing this gives me the yuck, but I think it's a common or popular mind set in our current society at least with the media and culture I have been exposed to.

Schmiddles

Loved this. Recognizing our own misguided biases and ways of thinking is so important in personal growth. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, it is the most difficult thing in the world.

Maria Pascoal

It would be interesting for the woman you are talking about to consider... what if she realized she was bi and then her partner left her once they found out? would that be homophobic? she's still the same person they've been dating the whole time. what if someone didn't realize they were bi until they were older, then confided in their spouse? after 10 or 20 years of marriage, would it be homophobic if they leave? I think the answer remains yes.

Three Ravens

No this is pretty spot on. People can have their preferences, but if things are going really well and you click with the person, who cares if they’re bi!

Avery
>>181999948

This. There is the assumption that 1. A bi man is just a confused gay man and 2. He will eventually cheat on you/decide on being gay and leave you. That's where a lot of that ick factor comes from, they don't consider bi people as people

Lisa Staven

Something that you said is the reason I shy away from bisexual men. You said that when they’re single, they’re gonna go onto Grindr and just have sex with men. It’s not a man choosing to either have a a loving monogamous relationship with a man or a woman. It’s a man wanting a monogamous loving relationship with a woman, but just wanting to have sex with men. My concern is that the sexual desire to be with other men may increase the chance of infidelity. There isn’t anything I can do as a woman to change a man’s sexual desire. There isn’t any way I can fulfill that. I feel there is a difference between bisexual men and bisexual women. I think that bisexual women can have a monogamous, loving relationship with either a man or a woman. Just like any other situation, I’m sure there are many bisexual men who can remain monogamous with a woman. I would be interested to know, the the statistics regarding whether bisexual men are equally likely to be in a loving relationship with both a man or a woman Vs a relationship with women and just sex with men. I would not be less attracted to a man if I found out he was bisexual. That seems kind of weird if you’re attracted, you’re attracted. And maybe my feelings are homophobic per your definition. If I met a bisexual man that had been in a loving monogamous relationship with a man, I would be fine with that.

Raine Morgan

I’m so confused by this…why would it matter if he or she is bi? Seems so antiquated in 2025…

LeftyBlue

Totally agree. If she is totally jiving with this guy and they like each other enough to start dating. Things are going great. They really get each other. Everything is cool. Nothing has changed in any of that except this new bit of information. Why should that change how she feels about him? It shouldn't...unless there is some homophobia there.

Elise Tanner

This is so fascinating, and I completely agree with you. I don’t know specifically why this woman said she wasn’t attracted to a bisexual man. But I wonder sometimes if it’s a fear that your partner is actually homosexual and lying to themselves, which is an invalidation of the bisexual identity. Tangent… genuinely curious what people here think: does dating a trans person fall into this same category? Is it transphobic to stop dating someone after finding out they were assigned a different gender at birth? I think the answer is yes, assuming you were attracted to them before you found out and it doesn’t affect physical intimacy. Seems like the physical intimacy piece would be the surefire way to determine whether you’re just point blank not attracted to them in the bedroom or you’re just being transphobic. Although, if they had fully transitioned with surgery, does that change things? 🤔

AllTAllShade

I’m so glad to see someone address this. I 100% agree and I think you made some excellent points. It’s hard to admit when we have these kind of hidden biases, but it’s so important to figure them out and work through them.

Kellie Bishop Porter

I've learned a lot from my kids. Bi, non-binary, queer, straight are represented. I guess it helps having six of them. 😊. Love is love. If I found a human who I would spend the rest of days traveling with and watching baseball... I don't care what they identify as.

Alexandria Morrison

I want to join in the conversation but I just so thoroughly agree I can’t even find something to disagree about lol Having said that, as a trans gal, I understand when people aren’t into dating me because I’m trans; I’m not bothered by them having a preference if it’s about as “deep” as “I like blondes so I don’t go for brunettes” but if it’s because they reject my womanhood then I’m much more “my guy, that’s pretty transphobic.”

Andrea Lindsay

I thought I was super chill about this stuff and then a guy I was dating told me he was bi, and I think I was mostly ok with it until he described an encounter he had with a man 😅 I was like “ohhh no.” It was so eye-opening for me though and allowed me to do some serious self-reflection. Like you said, there’s conditioning in us that we might not even know about until we are in the situation, like I still remember the feeling I got when he told me. It was not a pretty feeling, it was ugly, and the compassionate side of me was like “whoa whoa whoa, what’s happening here?” It was kind of scary even, like who am I? It’s so incredibly important to challenge ourselves in tough moments, especially if what we are feeling is coming from an ugly place. (I didn’t break up with him over this, I really liked him, and I knew deep down I was better than that.)

Brianna Sprole

I'm sure this is going to pop up in the comments somewhere, but I just want to throw my 2cents in quickly - I 10000% agree that this scenario is homophobic, but I do want to push back (from the queer perspective) that the queer/hetero relationship that you describe is actually referred to as "straight passing", not straight. There's a lot of research on this that I'll leave to you to do, because I know you will!

James E.

This is just demonstrably correct. The argument that I always heard was that dating someone bi means that you have to worry about both sexes and/or genders now, which shouldn't even be a problem if you are with someone you can trust. If you aren't with someone you can trust, then maybe explore that area for why not to be with them instead.

Grady May

You dipped your toe into an interesting pool, here. Reverse the situation: gay man finds out his boyfriend also likes fun times with women and gets grossed out and ends the relationship. Bisexual men seem to be regarded as shady or deceitful. At least half of that shade seems to come from the queer community. As if we were “traitors” somehow; or “poseurs”. Again: interesting topic you’ve opened up❤️

Laura Fisher

There is still a lack of safety in the world in being out and that is a fundamental problem for so many reasons. Members of the LGBTQ community like me, struggle with our own self-acceptance and coming to terms with being gay, queer, etc. And when you share your truth and someone stops being your friend or the person you’re dating no longer wants to be with you, it’s rejection by homophobia. And it’s excruciatingly painful because of what you had to go through just to get to that place of honesty with people including yourself. There has to be a new level of compassion and recognizing that someone has just shown you who they are and that is sacred. I’ve been rejected, bullied and abused for my sexuality and that is why some people don’t say they’re bi. In the 90’s, I first came out as bi, it was worse than being gay. I was neither gay enough or straight enough for anybody and I felt forced to pick. I thought I could choose so I tried to be straight not realizing that I am 100% gay. Long story! And if you’re dating someone and they can’t handle your truth, find people who can. It’s so much better now than when I grew up but we’re so far from where we need to be so people can feel safe to be real. If people think they can’t trust their bi partner, it may be more about their insecurity and homophobia than “trust.”

Shazaman23

There's one thing I'd push back on, and that is around the example you used where you said in the middle of the relationship you found out your partner is Jewish. I agree with you that it's antisemitic if that makes you unattracted to them. But where I disagree is that if that happened to me, I wouldn't love the person differently or suddenly be unattracted, but I may want to end the relationship after finding that out. Not because they are Jewish specifically, but because they are religious. From my experience, mixed faith families face incredible challenges. I am not religious now and me from the past was very Mormon. In either case the fact that someone I was dating had different religious beliefs from me would make it very difficult for me to continue pursuing a relationship. I held my religious beliefs so strongly that they were often not something I would be willing to compromise on and I know many religious folks are the same way. I would have a conversation to gauge how much of a problem our belief differences could be in our relationship, but I would have a strong bias to not continue the relationship. I don't feel like that would be antisemitic. If anything it would be a question of just general religious bigotry, but I would even push back against that. Finding that out wouldn't make me think the person should not be happy or be able to be in a healthy relationship, I just know what I want out of a relationship and I know for me there are enough communication struggles and compromises that have to be made to make a partnership work that differences in core religious beliefs are something I couldn't handle. Does that make sense? Am I wrong and this is some form of internalized bigotry or even antisemitism. I don't feel like it is, but being raised Mormon really fucked me up so it wouldn't be the first time I'd discovered some problematic mindsets to overcome.

Shazaman23
>>183006997

To clarify further, I'm thinking through the lens of Jewish meaning they are active adherents to the Jewish faith and not just ethnically Jewish. Cause the ethnically Jewish is more that immutable fact about a person that they don't control like you mentioned in the video. And I would agree that finding out someone was a secular Jew and that made me suddenly not attracted to them that would be some antisemitism to sort through.