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[Spill it Girlies] How do I decide if I want kids? (Patreon)

Published:
2025-04-23 13:00:13
Edited:
2025-10-08 19:55:51
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

Jessi jumping in for advice duty. Shout out to Bianca for today's question about whether or not to have kids.

Hey girlies!! Jessi jumping in for advice duty. Shout out to Bianca for today's question about whether or not to have kids.

What do we think, girlies?? Any advice for Bianca? Drop it in the comments!

Need some advice? Submit your question here!

Question: I'm 30 years old - turning 31 this year. While my immediate family doesn't ask if I want to have kids and has told me they genuinely do not care if I do or do not because it's a choice between my husband and me, I'm confused. Even before we got married, my husband said he always said he is okay with or without kids but I really don't know if I want them and I am having such a hard time deciding.

On one hand, I do love my nieces and nephews. I also love spending some time with kids but I love being able to wake up whenever I can and I love being able to go out at any time with my husband. I'm also afraid of passing a lot of generational trauma (my mom used to be an alcoholic and outright told me when I was 15 that she had considered aborting me just for reference) and I don't want to make any child of mine a retirement plan (it's common in my very Catholic centered country - which was also colonized by Spain btw). I tend to lean towards I don't want to have even one because of these reasons but part of me feels like I'll regret now having one that I just don't know! How do I decide?

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Comments

Al Bowen

Childfree by choice girlie (31) here!! My husband and I both wanted kids when we met 9 years ago, but the longer we're together, the more we realize that we would need to "turn off" being a parent to focus on ourselves or others, which isn't really possible as a parent. We know our limits and absolutely don't want to "ruin" a kid or two. I was medically sterilized 2 1/2 years ago due to growing concerns in the political environment, but my husband and I have both agreed that if, for SOME REASON we change our minds, there are a ton of foster kiddos out there. For now being the World's Best Auntie is the greatest title I'll ever carry 🧡🧡

Alondra

I completely agree with you Jessi, I think motherhood is often glorified and don't get me wrong sometimes it is a beautiful thing I love my son to peaces but the sad truth is that is so hard!. I always tell my friends if you are already debating whether you should have a child or not chances are you probably shouldn't. Pregnancy takes so much out of your body and that doesn't include if you have a high risk Pregnancy or a preemie baby or a child with diagnosis. I also do recommend love on your friends baby's help them out and if you do change your mind later adoption is also a great way to go too 💜💜

Erica

The best piece of advice I got when I was in my early 20s was “it’s better to regret not having kids than it is to regret having them”. Parenthood isn’t for everyone and that’s okay.

Lisa

What I’ll say is having a kid that you really reaaaaallly want, with a partner who is a wonderful parent, having no money worries and lots of family support…is still so fucking hard. If even one of those things was slightly off I wouldn’t have even remotely considered it. On the other hand your kids are little for such a short amount of your life. When you think of having kids you think of not being able to lie in or go out for dates with your husband whenever you want…but that stage is so short in the grand scheme of your life, so I wouldn’t let that specifically put you off.

NotAMuse

I didn’t believe people when they told me early 30’s is ‘still young’ and you have time to have children if you want to later in your mid-late 30’s and even 40’s. Don’t let your ‘biological clock’ scare you or pressure you into a decision that will impact not only your life, but your husband, and your family’s life for the rest of your lives. I know therapy can be scary but if you have a professional or trusted non-judgmental third-party person you can talk out your concerns with, that might be helpful too. Writing a pro-con list just so you can have a reminder of your own reasons for or against your decision when you are wavering. I’m with Jessi, your reasons are valid. Society and religion puts a lot of pressure on reproducing and ‘family’ and ‘having children’ but not supporting parents health, providing equal work leave so they can bond with their newborn baby, providing resources so they can provide for their baby, etc. When I research what other countries and governments provide new parents vs my own, I am so amazed and disappointed. Some countries really do value the family and try to make it easier. Some do not. Your concerns are valid. Being able to wake up whenever you want and leave spontaneously for things is important for you and your relationship. Being good partners is what will make you two good parents (if you two decide that’s what you want) so definitely taking that away and adding children when you already have nieces and nephews that are fulfilling that area in your life could lead to deep resentment and possible perpetuation of trauma if not checked.

Dianne

When I was trying to decide I read an article that suggested I sit with one option i.e having kids and fully embrace that for 2 weeks then do the same with not having kids for the next 2 weeks then assess how each made me feel. I’m happily child free and excited to be the fun aunt

Destiny Briggs

As a first time mommy I completely agree with Jessi. My dream was to be a mommy so I’m in the opposite boat as Bianca. However, there are still days where I cry because I just want to sleep past 5am. Or even things just as simple as trying to get housework done or go to the park with my fiancée. There are limitations that a child gives you and it completely changes you as a person. My baby is only 3 weeks old and I’m already finding myself having to change my life completely around for him. If that’s not for you that’s completely okay. My advice would just be to think long and hard about that decision. Just know that whatever you decide is completely valid🩵

ButterPecanRican

If I didn't already have kids in my teens (@16 & 19) I probably wouldn't have chosen to have them as I got older. I'm grateful now because I'm a grandma to an 8 year old at 46 and he's everything.. but still. It's a LOT

kristina erickson

I don't think potentially regretting not having kids is a good reason to have kids. I've chosen to not because at the end of the day I'd rather regret not having kids than have them and regret that.

Lizzy

I’m so lucky to be the youngest and be able to experience my niece and nephew before the age where I feel like I’m “forced” to decide. Love those kids but MARY JESUS LORD I would not be able to do that 24/7. Just putting my nephew to bed 1 night zaps all the baby fever from my body. I know it’s most rough when they’re little but damn. The cool thing is that he’s gonna be 5 soon and is starting to develop actual interests, like drawing and Pokémon and fun stuff that isn’t from a horrible toddler tv show lol. My niece is still a baby but she’s entering the phase of children I fear the most, 2-4

Kayla

Before I had my son. I wanted like 6 kids. I wanted all the children lol but after having him I’ve decided to stop here. That one kid is enough for me. It is difficult and I love my son and I’ve always really wanted to be a mom ever since I was a little girl. It is super hard. And I just keep telling myself that nothing is permanent. And to love all the moments he’s little. Although he’s a handful and absolutely feral lol.

Eunice

My husband and I decided to be child free after we got married. What I thought would be an uncomfy conversation actually ended up being an amazing experience. I'm a first grade teacher, I love my job. I don't think I would still be a teacher if I had kids. There is a stigma but I love my job and I love my life. I love kids but I love coming home to just a bunny 🐇. It's really an important choice to think about. If we ever do change our mind, we decided we would adopt. Do we ever think we will? I don't know. Life is kinda tricky that way.

Coral M

I agree with everything Jessie said except the part about people who really want kids will be the only ones to not resent having them. I never wanted kids and I have 3 of them. There were some really tough years due to their abusive dad (who I left about 10 years ago) and my own mental health struggles, but my kids were my life, and still are. They are teenagers now. The dread that something will happen to them never goes away, and raising them never gets easy. But I couldn't imagine a world without them. Having said that, I would have preferred to not have kids because my freedom was everything and that's a thing of the past now. It's such a complicated feeling.

annamaezingmeow

We can always count on Jessi to keep it 100 🩷

MtMac3

Another thought as I sit here holding my 2 month old - I had to do a LOT of emotional work to get ready for a child. I had to unpack a lot of baggage I carried about self worth and family relationships. Ultimately I didn’t want to raise a child with the same fears and insecurities I had. I always like when Jessi says that our kids don’t owe us anything because WE decided to bring them into the world. I owe my kid everything. She didn’t ask to be here. And it would have been irresponsible for me to bring her into the world without fully understanding myself. We decided to have kids because we felt like we could parent intentionally. If you are able, work with a therapist and/or a couples therapist to explore how you are feeling. Even now I think we would have been perfectly happy being childfree. It’s impossible to describe the love I have for my baby - it’s all consuming- and I can’t imagine life without her. But I think you can live a life full of love and purpose without kids.

Ruby McDonnell

Watching this puking my guts up at 6.5 weeks pregnant with my first baby- 😵‍💫 I've wanted to be a mom my whole life. I knew that before I really knew anything deep down about myself. Now that I'm pregnant I'm really surprised at what I'm willing to do for this baby I've never met before. We're even planning for an unmedicated birth at a birth center nearby, which is something I'd never even considered until I was already pregnant. I really do believe what Jessi said about the want for kids driving you through stuff, and I feel it now more than ever. There was a time a few years ago before I met my husband where I questioned if I really did want kids. The guy I was with constantly putting down the idea of a lifestyle with kids or any kind of nurturing environment made me cry every time we talked about it, so for me it was pretty cut and dry. lol Short window of wondering on my part, but it did make me grow so much as an adult to then let him go and put all my love and time into someone who wanted exactly what I wanted. Now I'm the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. 🥹 Sometimes you just know, and sometimes you don't - both are INCREDIBLY real and valid, especially since you're the one whose body would be changed so drastically for them! ❤️

Jerinda Esterline-King

Having kids is hard and I think if you're on the fence, just don't. Like Jessi said, I love my kids wholeheartedly and would never trade them. But the hard times do outweigh the easy at times. Mine are 23, 18, and 11, so I've seen almost everything at this point.

Marisa

If your reasoning to have a kid is so that you potentially don’t regret the choice to be child free, I would say don’t do it. Don’t have a baby just because you’re scared you’re going to regret. Both having a baby and choosing never to have them are permanent decisions. Either way it’s an important decision. When you have a kid, you lose a lot of freedom, mainly when they’re younger, as they get older you start getting more back. But your whole world changes when you bring a baby into it. If you’re not ready or don’t want your whole world to change don’t have a baby. Although I will say sometimes the people who are the most fearful of having a child because they don’t want to pass on generational trauma or don’t want to pass certain expectations or responsibilities to their kid that the kid is not signing up for, those are the people who would probably be the better parents. As they may be more willing to accept their faults and work on themselves to be a better parent. But again if you know a baby wouldn’t fit into your lifestyle, and you enjoy your freedom and alone time, this things decrease SIGNIFICANTLY with a baby around. My alone time is at work and sometimes after bedtime, and I’m just exhausted everyday. I love my daughter more than anything in the whole world, and I’ve never experienced the love I have for her before but it comes with a lot of challenges

Emily 🩵

Me: 2 kids deep and husband has a vasectomy Also me: watching just to hear my queen speak

Lk

That's such a good topic. I'm constantly thinking about adopting, potentially, but I'm SO not ready yet, it seems weird to think about it. I have a lot of confusion about it.

Natalie McCall

My fiance and I have been together for almost 12 years. When we got together we wanted kids. He was very involved in my little sisters upbringing and his brother has two kids now. Over the years we have decided to be child free. If you are conflicted in having children then you shouldn't have them. All of your reasons are valid reasons to not want kids. One of my reasons is that my mental illness can be passed down to my children and increased when trauma is involved. I wouldn't want to put another person through what I've experienced especially not my child. If you aren't 100% sure you want to take on the responsibility of a child then you shouldn't. Don't have a kid just because you think you may regret it. You could also regret having the child. If you like kids maybe volunteer at a place where you can help with children but not have to worry about taking on that responsibility 24/7. Hot take but people say its selfish to not have kids, I think its more selfish to have them just because you can.

Sullikins

I have very similar reasons to not wanting to have kids, I enjoy having my own time. I know it’s selfish, but I would want to be able to give my kid the best life possible, which would mean sacrifices for me, and I don’t want to do that. I have nieces and nephews (some of which are my godchildren) that I adore and love spending time with. But I also love being able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day. I spoil them and go to their events when I can. I truly think I was meant to be an aunt/godmother and not a mother. I’m happily a part of their village

Kciri

NGL when she said "Catholic country, colonized by Spain" I was like, girlie we might be from the same country and I have the exact same dilemma. 🥲😅 I am lucky enough that I was able to become independent and live away from family in my 20s so basically, I do what I want. I never ask for their help so they can never pressure me to have kids or get married. And yeah, I had a shitty childhood, broken family and all that so I decided at a very young age that I do not want kids coZ I don't wanna be like my mom. I also enjoy my freedom and I'm afraid I'm very selfish too. 🫣 I'm 38, been in an LDR for 8 years, and we both don't want to have kids or to get married. It's a hard conversation to have with family but they might be weird because they don't really care. Sure, there's the occasional dig or backhanded comments from relatives but I just ignore them.

Kristin E

As someone who chose to be child free, I am almost 41 now and I will say I still have never had a single regret. I absolutely love my best friend’s kids and I love spending time with them and watching them grow up, but my own kids were not the right choice for me.

Karla Bojorquez

It’s better to regret NOT having children, than regret having them

peri

This is hitting home since I just found out I’m pregnant this week!!!! Pregnancy after loss is so hard but you have no clue how much this was needed! My husband and I want babies so badly. We are aware how much of an undertaking it is, but we’re ready and want it so so much. Thank you Jessi 💕

Alejandra Alvarez

First of all, you look so slay Jessy, super pretty. Also it is very HARD to be a parent and I wanted a child very much so you put it in perfect words 💕

Melanie Burgess

If your childhood trauma is a big reason for you, know that you can heal and be a parent you wish you had. I’m an example. I went through so much therapy before and after having my son.

Melanie Burgess

Absolutely my kid is the best thing. I love him so fucking much. But fuck! I thought I had anxiety before but no, it’s a different kind! And I agree if you are so happy in your life now…you are good.! If you feel your life would be fuller and/or happier, consider a kid.

Melanie Burgess

I’m commmenting a lot but, it also changes and creates a lifetime of responsibility. I’ll always have a place my kids can come to, always. If I didn’t have kids I’d retire and live in a boat some day lol. But I never want to do that now. It’s completely life changing (some good, some bad….like anything), unlike anything else.

◡̈ abi ◡̈

Was no joke listening to this when my toddler stood up in her bath & took a shit. Jessi is speaking truth. 😂

Lauren Hunke

As someone who has known since childhood that I wanted to be a momma, and fought 10 long years, through countless losses and 2 rounds of IVF, to get my perfect daughter and son, MOMMY YOU NAILED THIS ANSWER! To the original girly who sent in the question, spend as much time as you need making the decision with your partner, and then enjoy the hell out of whatever life you choose TOGETHER! Kids, no kids, there is no “better”, there is only what’s right for the two of you, that matters 😘

Alondra Iglesias

This is off topic but can you show us your nails? 👀

Rachie

Girlie family I found out I’m due on my birthday 12/6! Just had to share I’m a first timer!

Charlotte the Nail Tech

I am right there with Jessi… I absolutely adore my children, I wouldn’t change having them for anything in the world. I will, however say this, March 11 we went from having a four year-old and a one-year-old to having our third, who was not planned like the first two and so incredibly close to our second. When I tell you, the stress is unreal it’s probably an understatement. I never struggled with postpartum depression however, I did this time around I think because of all the stress. I didn’t think going from a family of four to a family of five would be so different but I was way wrong. I wouldn’t trade my sweet baby boy for anything, but I do acknowledge that it is difficult and stressful and certainly not for the weak or those who want freedom. I would also agree that I always wanted to be a mom, I knew from the bottom of my heart from the time I could know what being a mom was that I wanted to be a mom. I can’t imagine having three children, let alone one, and not having felt that way for my entire life. I can’t tell you the last time I got to sleep in unless it was by myself because my husband took the kids for me. I can’t tell you our last date night because with a newborn and after being pregnant for almost 2 years straight, I don’t really have anyone local to watch them that I trust other than my mom, but she is 72 and if it is hard on me, I don’t wanna put that stress on her even for a night. So I say all this to say only you can decide if you want children and if you enjoy your freedom and aren’t ready to give it up or can’t imagine your life without alone time with your husband or the ability to sleep in and do what you want they may not be for you. Do you though, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say on it. Def don’t let anyone pressure you one way or another🩷

Jessica

1000% this this is my exact thoughts on parenthood

Julie Marcum

Thank you for your thoughts, Jessi. They gave me some things to think about. I've wanted to be a mother since I got my first baby doll when I was a little girl. Now that I'm married, I don't know if having a child is the right thing to do. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and chronic migraines. I know I have good maternal instincts, but I don't know if I can keep up with a child. I'm afraid my husband would end up having to care for both of us. I didn't get married until I was 42 and now I'm 45. I have to make a decision and I have to do it fast. I have been off my lupus medication for a few years because you cannot get pregnant on it. When I start back on it, I may feel a lot better than I do now. I don't know. What would y'all do in this situation?💜

Ivy Swain

THIS!! I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear this, and how it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I love my freedom, it’s something I cherish and covet in my life. I know the reality of having kids is the complete opposite of freedom. I’ve never had the drive to be a mother, I’ve seen my friends/relatives have that desire since childhood and they love being parents- but I don’t relate to that feeling. It bothers me that there’s people out there who label child free people as “selfish” bc they like to do things for themselves. It’s not selfish at all, it’s actually the complete opposite of selfish. I don’t want to inflict the resentment and annoyance I know I would have at a child that never asked to be born into this world. They don’t deserve that just bc society normalizes having kids as the standard thing you just have to do at a certain point. There’s a quote I saw that has always resonated with me- “being a parent is not about questioning whether I’d have love for my child, it’s about questioning whether or not I’d love my life”

Drea Nelson

As a mom of ONE: I have never loved anything as much as I love my daughter. I waited til 30 to have a kid because I wasn’t sure either. And I have to agree with Jessi; I think it’s so much harder than you can explain to someone and that’s just the expected stuff. The UNEXPECTED stuff makes it astronomically harder. Sounds like you’ll live a wonderfully fulfilling life kid-free! Again, LOVE MY CHILD SO MUCH. Wouldn’t change it now… but omg I’m endlessly exhausted almost 9 years in with no end in sight. 😘

Irene Cortez

Que bellas palabras, yo nunca quise hijos, pero cambié de opinión y ahora tengo un pequeño de 4! Todo fue, es y seguirá siendo difícil… muy difícil. Pero con todo y todo volvería a hacerlo por conocerlo y ser su mami 🥰

G

Thank you for being brutally honest, Jessi. I needed to hear this ❤️‍🩹 And for the person who asked the question, I’m sorry for what you went through. I can relate too well. Thank you for having the courage to ask. Know that you’re not alone in these feelings/questions. I agree the world kind of pushes the expectation to have kids, families are always asking, and not everyone is brave enough to admit that it’s ok to be selfish and not want kids.

Kiara D'Orazio

I have cerebral pasly, just turned 28, and I am planning on starting my family. I am so excited, but the unknown is so valid. Don't let anyone judge you into this huge decision

Saruse

As someone with children… if you are on the fence about having them, don’t do it. As someone who really wanted mine, it is still incredibly difficult to have them. I love them and wouldn’t change them for the world. Butttt you can’t chose the issues you are given and my son has autism and ADHD and it is hard as hell. He can be so mean when he is “set off” by really anything. But he’s so smart and loves reptiles, weather and figuring out how everything works around him. If I could do it all over again, would I? My relationship with my husband would be a lot better without kids. He’s a person who thought he wanted children but didn’t realize as an only child that it’s not easy and that you can’t make a child be who you want them to be. It’s tough but I hope he can get through the grief of a son who isn’t what he thought and that he gets to the other side to really love our son BECAUSE of who he is. Bottom line is… if you or your partner isn’t ready or sure… do not have children.