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CLUB NEWS YOU CAN USE - 16 MAY, 2026 *AUDIO FIXED* (Patreon)

Published:
2026-05-17 04:05:16
Edited:
2026-05-17 14:50:25
Imported:
2026-09

Downloads

  • Club Ellen 14 May 2026 Full.mp3

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Content

This week on the show...it's a whole new show: NEWS you can USE! Speaking of news, James Charles is in the news...for yelling at a woman! Don't worry, he's apologized for it. Sadly we were not invited to the Kevin Hart roast, but just like Jimmy Kimmel, we have done our own version of what they WOULD have said, had they been invited, in a segment we like to call COMEDY CLUB ELLEN. Finally, we talk about Gaga's AI candle (recording happened before the Mayhem Requiem stream which for the record is bad)...voicemails: Pink Pussy, Jordan from Texas, Venice Biennale, and a little SOMEONE got their CHEMISTRY DOCTORATE...welcome to Club NEWS you can use@@@@@@

AUDIO FIXED

Files

Comments

Grady

Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke

Javi

I heard as soon as I came

Lux Stellarum

Honey, strawberry moon is what I call my raw ass after a hefty spanking. Hullow!

Javi

Fuck, I've got a bit of cum on my laude! It's grad season!!!

Benji

OMG that ROLLING SOUND at the Beginning?!?!?! I jumped out of my seat, Kids! I’m W E T .

Zero Point

Breaking News: My Cock is Out!

Grady

Gonna strike a deal make him feel like a congressmaaaan

EJ

Thank you for playing my horrible question but, more importantly, for giving me a hawk tuah

Lucasbb01

News: ON Cock: OUT

lenuka yipiani

yipppy 🎉🎉 just wanted to say guten morgen recently came back from berlin and couldn’t stop singing/listening to macys masterpiece 😭😁 when are we getting Madrid tho?? love scald 🥳 also u ladies are very american and as a recent immigrant from Georgia 🇬🇪 you’ve genuinely helped me understand/relate to gay culture here lmaooo (hope u know the “i am from Bosnia take me to America 🇺🇸” song 😭) i hate recording voice mails because thats what i do at work and i feel like i fully developed a stupid us accent so i was looking for an email instead but couldn’t find one :( anyway going goo goo goon mode for the new ep 💋❤️‍🔥 love u girls visit me on LI

ethan

i think this club is really inTeresTing and it will really söõthe the ears

May

i was listening to the tati michelle phan afterglow episode of club ellen and they totally predicted the madonna “create a new persona” thing… #egodeath

Will

Well loves, if you ever come to Theda most hated Australia, this trans man will join you in making an absolute mess of everything and not getting anything done 😅

M

What’s black and white and slicked up all over? News that’s been used

C

Lmao the bricky but papa part felt like a logic problem id do for linguistics

nymphowarsxxx

Judge! Strike this from the record! It's not good! Jury, do not consider this comment in your proceedings!

Will

Well then get your asssssses an the long haul flight come here 😝

Josh H.

Ooooo, love to news ya babayyy, oooooo

Jo

I’m covered in poop!

Amy Marie

get your fox news out

Josh H.

El audio es nulo, ayudame Hermosas 🙏

charlie

Cocks out gooning and bating with my club ellen SHIRT ON!!!!!! (The merch is amazing thank u ladies)

charlie

I love to stroke. i love to stroke i love. to. stroke

charlie

Same for me nooooooo cocks back in for now

Josh H.

Sheathed and caged, the antici....pation 🧎‍♂️

Gary Puddles

mainstream media: death, destruction, depravity club news: stroke, that, cock

grant brown

An AI dark money group called “Build America AI” (lol) is paying influencers like $5000 per video. They started with “left-leaning female lifestyle and family” influencers and are now enlisting “left-leaning influencers who are political commentators, business/tech leaders, and male lifestyle influencers”

Max

I can't play it for some reason, it's just stuck at 0:00. Just me?

David B

Listening to this as I'm packing to move house. Get your travel sized cocks out.

Adam

It's stuck at 0:00 for me too

Emily

Me too 💔

David B

Ladies you need a High executive functioning trans man from (north of) Ireland? HELLO. Its me. 👁️🫦👁️ jescussy.

Christopher Biscoe

Club Stuck at 0:00 here, too. That's the breaking news.

hugomac

Same. Tried reinstalling Patreon and downloading ep. but no go.

Isak

I don't know about you guys, but I'll be using this news as a fleshlight

hugomac

My other subscriptions are werking.

Grant W

Extremely weird to discover there’s ANOTHER one of you living on an island off the coast of Maine.

M

Pinned on their profile ❤️929-486-11277

Christian Farley

ladies the audio file isn't working for me, trump and peter thiel and jame charles are silencing queer voices

Drew

Cool on your Ireland…

Corey Faul

Stuck at zero though 😭

Henry

Sunday morning news is fallinnnnng 🫨🎶🎼🎤

hugomac

Werking now!

Christian Farley

thank irwin on my behalf for fixing the yemen servers

Hauk Twah Girl

I cut my pussy a short story about eating tree by Miranda July hello etc

river

the transvestigation unit is currently launching a full scale investigation into jordan from texas

Go-Go “Juice”

What is the “how do you not know that” drop from? Is that John?

Teddy

There’s a secret treasure trove of TS Joans and Cathy’s at Unitarian churches in the pnw

Josh H.

Honey its fixed, spayed and splayed on display. GRACIAS POR TU AYUDA ❤️

Antoni

shout out to all my fellow trans men who cannot executively function #inventtheJabforTransMentalIllness

nitrogen

Peanut girls know what it means

Caitlin C.

nymphowars also helped me get through my PhD, not in the sense of “Tori’s music got me through a difficult time in my life” but in the sense of it’s very lonely and tiring to write a dissertation so it’s good to have voices and laughter in the house.

Henry

The tati bit was a lovely premise

Alexander Nash

I live in the place Theda said Graham Norton was from and that’s how I realised I’m from the same place as Graham Norton

serwin

I’m sorry I added a “question” to my anecdote I regretted it as soon as I listened to last weeks ep!!!!!

serwin

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Ben

That’s a great news that I always use!

Ben

The news is what I call my pussy!

Meredith Gilbert

My productivity is skyrocketing with this useful news!

K.

Jen of the week got me good

May

“melon punch + bell ringing” when talking about the austrian art exhibit made me feel like i was there irl

Marsi

Jordan from texas goes to Puerto Rico (comeback episode title)

BigGayJack

NEWS YOU CAN USE: Pema Chodrin on Ezra Klein’s podcast, lemme kill myself.

BigGayJack

“Male lifestyle” is an oxymoron HULLOH

Doulgas

Create a news persona… 🫦

Marge

Breaking news: Madonna stuns in new persona

V

perma chode?

queertheoryxyz

Use code PUSS to upgrade your low quality cock

Derek

POUGHKEEPSIE SHOUTOUT!!!

Roople

The tree is what I call my pussy🫦🫦🫦

Jo

Come to the uk!!! Wooo

Jakab Bailey

We’ll have Kelly Mantle reporting live next week

M

Ohmygod, sau mauch

Luke

Super jealous that Macy went to the Biennale this year, even though the whole thing has been (predictably) a clusterfuck. Do you remember a particularly good pavilion Mace?

Luke

Same, I literally asked for advice on the comments once on how to get myself to write my masters thesis, and Club Ellen came through

mondo

Jordan from Texas - are you in Dallas? let’s go to the round-up!

mondo

hello EJ from Texas! are you in dallas? let’s go to the round-up!

DJ DeGay

Tati just released her new brand of raspberry powder water flavoring packets. They are sugar free and so good for your gut. On sale tomorrow- only $40!

Susan Boyle

If it makes you guys feel any better I think I speak for most of the patrons when I say you had an impact on my life especially because I was in my early 20s when covid hit (I'm James Charles) so this was basically one of the closest things I had to going out into the gaylands. And that isolation is still reverberating because everyone is weird now so you guys made a haven of sorts as pathetic as I sound. I won't pretend to have all the answers but fulfilment, happiness and even simple contentedness can't be a consistent state of mind unless you're blissfully ignorant or delusional. You can only get a quick breeze of it. If you were "cured" you would have no drive and essentially be braindead. We also have way too much information in front of us that even the most illiterate normies know how bad shit is which is causing even more chaos and we're weighed down by it, and then people think it's just something wrong with them that they feel drained and unmotivated. It's not like in the past where you could live a more myopic life. Seems like you guys view this as just piss n shit trash but I'd rather hear you just shoot the shit because you're funny as hell without effort, in a way its more refreshing than a whole production because like you said everyone's just scamming and doing extra right now. You might not see it this way but the stuff you guys put out is comedic achievement. Eventually more waves of inspiration will hit but pressuring yourself will delay it, the masterclass planning shit is for the type As who are less creative/spontaneous. And as you get older you're forced to supress that spark so it's harder to tap into. Hate to hear you guys be hard on yourself but we all do it. Also take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I'm retarded. Love, Susan

Eliot

get your go go juice out

BrattyAngellxx

I actually think Graham Norton has a tiny pecked…small British hands

Sia Furler

Courtney love on Interior Motives with Ivy Wolk? I’ve prayed for times like these

Josh H.

I accidentally dialed fox news with a club question, before that it was QVC ;(

May

courtney… thank yew

Nickerbockers

how is everyone's sucking fucking day of their fucking week going?

Josh H.

Macy if you're still on perfume journey with Theda I highly recommend "Arquinesia" in Gothic quarter of BCN 👃

Freyja

Ohh fuuuck I’m clubbingggg

Russalka

Sometimes I create a new persona i can use.

Sia Furler

I can live through this.

Nicole Wigman

Courtney Love looking like a vaping muppet on Interior Motives

Isaac

She looked beautiful!

Isaac

Does anyone remember the episode where Macy goes on a long rant as Courtney Love? Maybe from 2023ish?

Claudia

James Charles’s laugh is frightening.

Luc

you’ve got a lot of love to give (from november 9 2022)… perfect time to relisten

Isaac

Ty!!!

Joseph

The bit about the guy who’s job it is to make sure Jennifer Lawrence is standing ten toes down 😂

Henry

“Stop that Train” ru Paul movie!???!! Murder on the stupid bi*ch express dupe!??? Huh!!

Freyja

Mid-executive functioning trans girl from Scotland here, I used to manage bars on the Edinburgh fringe would absolutely call in lmao

Freyja

Also watching you guys discover the difference between Celtic accents in real time is my favourite thing 🫶🫶🫶

Will

Wait is tidal no good anymore? I switched from Spotify to tidal… do I need to switch again?

Christ

the serotonin spike that dancing queen gives. PLEASE USE IT AS BREAK MUSIC AT ALL STOPS.

Nickerbockers

that dua lipa build up over james charles crashing out has arisen my soul and cock