TGIF: I'm Graduating! (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday patrons! How is everyone doing this week? Well, I hope! And if you’re not doing well that’s okay too. It happens and you’re not alone. Not even a little bit. This weekend Elliott and I are heading up to school to ~officially~ graduate. How wild. My whole school experience felt like a pleasantly challenging fever dream. So to go back this weekend and see people I haven’t seen since August (and some I’ve never even met in person yet!) to acknowledge and finalize two years of education feels beautifully BoNkErS.

I know I haven’t shared much of the actual education. That’s because, for me, it was a bit more of a personal experience. The work wasn’t like learning how to edit or getting a clinical therapy license, it wasn’t about acquiring a specific skillset or setting myself up for a completely new profession. It was more about broadening and energizing my perspective on creativity (and myself) through the lens of depth psychology. Which is more difficult to directly translate into conversation or a blog post. It was more of an educational infusion. Kinda like the way Mamrie infuses alcohol with a sensible Earl gray tea my psyche got infused with a new understanding of the way our unconscious speaks, especially through creativity.

What did the spiritual cow say? Woo…Woo.

Get it...instead of moo?? I KNOW IT NEEDS WORK.

MOOving on. Oh god. How cringe.

At least that's how I've come to reflect on it after the fact. Going into it I had zero clue about what I'd get out of it, and equally zero clarity on what I wanted out of it. I just knew I had to do something different in my life rather than stare hopelessly at a practically abandoned Youtube channel and wonder if today would be the day I stopped hating it so much. Applying for grad school was driven almost entirely by a gut instinct (with supporters like Elliott and Mamrie encouraging the idea). Which is whacky seeing as that was the time my guts started completely abandoning reason in how they functioned. The time leading up to applying for grad school into my first year is when my guts were the most unreliable, yet there was still some buried instinct (inSTINK lolololol) in them that I trusted. Which, again reflectively makes sense as I feel like my whole life/perspective/connection to myself went through a massive shift at the time, whether I directly understood what was happening or not (spoiler, I did not understand what was happening).

Going up to the graduation this weekend I can honestly say I am a different person than when I started the Depth Psychology and Creativity program. You might not notice it externally, but internally things are radically different. Which is a teeny bit unbelievable to me when I remember how incredibly stuck I felt entering it. I felt so stuck that my stuckness itself felt stuck. The stuckness was so sinking and familiar that it stuck to itself and to me, and we clumped together in a gooey pile thinking at least we have each other and this sucky sticky feeling for the rest of our lives because even though this is miserable it is at least certain and what isn't certain is certainly too scary to unstuck myself for. Woof. How dramatically bleak. Ever been there? When you convince yourself that this familiar misery will be your eternal weighted blanket. But the weighted blanket isn't soothing it's just awkward and heavy, and even though it's uncomfortable at least you know what to expect. It's that annoying-but-tolerable internal ick you can't quiet soothe because you refuse to try a different medicine.

Grad school was a different medicine. It allowed me to see how stuck I was and accidentally catalyzed an unsticking process. A process that unstuck me in a way that wasn't simply substituting a new goal oriented thing to attach myself to. Grad school gave me a safe space to learn without consequences or conclusions. And though that seems antithetical to the normal goals of a grad program, it's what I needed. I needed to learn how to learn and play around with playing, all without immediately manipulating it for external validation from an audience or financial gain from a business. Might this education infuse itself into projects, posts, and passions in the future like it's starting to do now? It's very likely. But during the experience of school I just wanted to...experience school. Full disclosure it took me about a year into the program to actually realize/accept that. TBveryH the first year I did keep trying to figure out how this education might ignite a new career path and/or be utilized for content. I was frustrated at first, until I finally submitted to the process. I let go of trying to funnel what I was learning into content and instead tried to just have fun learning. (I also understand being able to go to grad school on the side is a privileged opportunity and I'm incredibly thankful for it.)

I'm noticing more each day how much I'm changing and have changed over the last couple of years. Which is fucking cool. You know when you put a lot of work into exercising or cleaning a filthy room but you can't see any progress? And then you finally see your reflection in a different mirror or take a step back and look around and suddenly you see that shit 👏🏻 is 👏🏻 different 👏🏻. That's kinda how I'm feeling. Especially with the overwhelming symbolism of going to a physical graduation. Thresholds are being crossed, y'all! And I know for some of you out there (looking at you Steve Jenks!) who are also graduating, or finishing dissertations, or starting new jobs, or quitting old jobs, or can feel themselves entering a new chapter of their lives...this shit is hard and I'm really proud of you! And I don't care how criiiiiiiiingey that sounds, I mean it.

I am cringe but I am free has become something of a new mantra for me. Especially when I find myself flirting with those old, inner obsessive feedback loops fixated on how I'm seen/understood/liked by others. I am a cringey person. I think cringey thoughts, I say cringey things, I feel cringey feelings. I am cringe. And I know it. And not only do I know it, I accept it. And because of that, I'm starting to feel more FREEEEEE. It feels like another step in the unsticking process. Welp, this cringey lady is gonna go graduate from her fever dream Hogwarts program with a bunch of other weird, wonderful souls. I hope you have great weekends! And MAJOR CRINGEY CONGRATS to all the other grads out there! Whether you're literally graduating or metaphorically moving on in life, you did it! Wooohooo!! Celebrate yourselves! And thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G