Master Rage Baiter

The church was suffocatingly silent.

Rows upon rows of expressionless women sat in stiff, uniform lines, their deadened eyes fixed on the altar. The air was heavy, stagnant, as if the very walls knew this was not a joyous occasion, but a farce dressed in white.

At the center of it all, standing before the altar, was Regulus Corneas—the Sin Archbishop of Greed. He wore a horrific excuse for a wedding suit, the kind of gaudy white ensemble that made Subaru’s soul wither just by looking at it. It was over-embroidered, dripping with ugly excess, as if someone had tried to sew pure arrogance into fabric.

And next to him—against her will, obviously—stood her.

Natsuki Subaru.

Dressed in an elaborate wedding gown—because Regulus apparently needed his ‘wives’ to look like soulless dolls when he collected them—she stood with her arms crossed, an eyebrow raised, completely unimpressed by everything.

Regulus took a deep breath, puffing out his chest with his usual grating self-importance. "You are now my property," he declared, the words dripping with twisted satisfaction. "As my wife, you are to act with dignity and respect befitting my household. From this moment on, you are not allowed to laugh or smile. Should you disobey—"

Subaru yawned.

Loudly.

The sound echoed through the silent church like a slap to the face.

Regulus twitched.

"—punishment will be severe," he finished, though his tone was significantly less composed than before. His eye twitched as he clearly struggled to remain ‘benevolent.’ "But as your husband, I am merciful, so I shall forgive this insolence—"

"Y’know," Subaru rudely interrupted, tilting her head, "I thought Wilhelm would’ve been here by now."

Regulus blinked. "What?"

"I mean," Subaru continued, "you kidnapped me, right? Me, the supposed reincarnation of his ‘beloved Theresia’ or whatever? You’d think he’d be here by now, losing his old man mind, trying to cut you in half."

She elbowed Regulus playfully, making his face contort with rage.

"Can you speak a bit louder?" she asked innocently. "Maybe he didn’t hear you. Or maybe he’s just too busy fighting right now."

"How dare you speak of another man in front of your—"

"Shh, moron." Subaru tapped his lips mockingly. "You really think I stayed here just to fix these poor girls? No, no, no, my guy. I was also waiting."

Regulus narrowed his eyes. "Waiting? Waiting for what?!"

Subaru smirked. "For him to get really pissed."

Regulus opened his mouth to retort, but—

"Do this."

In an instant, the wedding dress morphed.

The fabric twisted and shifted, unraveling into something far more fitting—a flowing white cape over a sleek, armored battle dress. Her long red hair cascaded behind her, untamed and fiery.

And in her hands—

A golden glow ignited as the legendary holy sword manifested, shimmering with overwhelming radiance.

Regulus’s eyes widened. "Wait—!"

"Ex—"

Subaru swung.

A colossal explosion of golden light filled the church, consuming the altar, the walls, the ceiling—everything.

Regulus barely had a second to process before—

"—CALIBUR!"

The impact was catastrophic.

Regulus was blasted through the massive stained-glass window behind him, shattering it into a rain of multicolored shards. His body tore through the air like a ragdoll, plowing through the stone walls of the church and crashing violently into the city beyond.

The sheer force of the attack sent shockwaves rippling through the church, causing several pews to collapse. The Sin Archbishop of Greed vanished beneath a mountain of debris, the ruined remains of what had once been a proud, extravagant structure.

Silence.

Subaru twirled Excalibur in her grip, her lips quirking up in satisfaction. "Hah. Nice."

The rows of seated women did not react.

They remained completely impassive, as if their ‘husband’ hadn’t just been obliterated out of the room.

"Man," Subaru sighed, stretching. "You guys are way too used to this kind of nonsense."

With a casual step, she hopped down from the altar, lazily walking towards the massive hole where Regulus had been yeeted into the distance.

She adjusted her gloves, peering into the debris. "So, did that work, or do I have to start throwing buildings next?"

For a long moment, nothing.

Then—

The chunks of stone exploded outward.

Subaru narrowed her eyes as the dust settled, revealing the unscathed form of Regulus Corneas.

His white suit wasn’t even ruffled.

His expression, however, was another matter entirely.

"You..." Regulus seethed, his entire body trembling with fury. "You imbecile of a woman! I gave you the honor of—"

"Y’know," Subaru cut in, rolling her shoulders, "I gotta say, I’m impressed."

Regulus paused. "What?"

"I never thought you could take a hit like that." She adjusted her stance, tightening her grip on Excalibur. "Guess that means it’s time to get serious."

And with that, she lunged.

Regulus barely had time to breathe before Subaru slammed her foot into his stomach.

A normal man would’ve been crushed—his organs reduced to paste, his spine obliterated. But Regulus?

He just flew.

He was sent soaring through the remains of the ruined church, crashing through the outer walls and smashing into the side of a nearby building.

The moment his body impacted the structure, the entire upper section of the building collapsed inward, stone and wood raining down like an avalanche.

But Subaru wasn’t done.

"Oh, that one was satisfying," she said to herself, cracking her knuckles. "Let’s see how far I can really send you."

With a flick of her wrist, she summoned Excalibur back into her grip, the holy sword shimmering in the dim light of the ruined city.

From the wreckage, Regulus staggered to his feet. He looked furious. But more importantly—

He looked completely fine.

"Seriously?" Subaru groaned. "Not even a scuff on the suit?"

Regulus dusted off his lapels, his expression dark. "You vile, ungrateful woman. Do you understand the gift I have given you?"

"Oh yeah, totally," Subaru said dryly. "A lifetime of abuse, misery, and sharing a household with seventy other dead-eyed cult victims. Who wouldn’t want that?"

Regulus twitched. "You mock me?! After all my generosity?!"

"Yes." Subaru planted a foot forward, tilting her head. "Yes, I do. Constantly. Get used to it."

Regulus snarled. He took a step forward—

And Subaru punched him in the face.

The impact sent him flying again—this time straight through a water fountain. The decorative structure exploded upon impact, sending a geyser of water into the air as Regulus skidded across the plaza.

"Weeeee~!" Subaru mockingly called after him. "Like a real wedding, am I right? Except—"

She vanished.

A second later—

BOOM.

Subaru reappeared mid-air, bringing Excalibur down on Regulus's midsection just as he was trying to get up.

The force of the hit obliterated the stone beneath them, sending shockwaves through the plaza.

Regulus was launched downward like a meteor, his body smashing through layers of cobblestone and dirt, embedding him deep into the ground.

"Okay, now that one was fun," Subaru said, landing lightly beside the crater. "What do you think, Regulus? Ready to—"

The ground beneath her erupted.

"YOU DAMNABLE WOMAN!" Regulus roared, bursting from the debris. His white suit was still pristine—untouched, unmarked—his rage was not.

"You are nothing! Do you not understand the authority I hold?!" he screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "I am beyond you! I am—"

"Gonna shut up now?" Subaru asked boredly.

Regulus froze. "What—"

Subaru kicked him in the face.

Again.

His body whipped sideways, crashing through a merchant stall, sending crates and barrels flying. He bounced off the street, collided with a lamppost, snapped it in half, and tumbled down a flight of stairs into another plaza.

"Phew," Subaru wiped her brow. "Good thing there’s so much free real estate to throw you into."

Regulus pulled himself up, seething. "WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?!"

"Because I can." Subaru cracked her knuckles. "And because it’s really funny how you keep getting tossed around like a ragdoll but still think you’re hot shit."

"You—!"

BOOM.

Subaru didn’t let him finish. She was on him again, this time grabbing him by the collar, spinning him like a damn Olympic hammer thrower, and hurling him straight into a bakery.

The bakery collapsed.

"Oop." Subaru winced. "Hope that place had insurance."

A second later—

Regulus emerged from the wreckage, foaming at the mouth. "YOU—"

"Shhh." Subaru appeared in front of him. "Hold that thought—"

She uppercutted him.

Regulus soared into the air.

Subaru jumped after him.

And then—

BOOM.

Another hit.

BOOM.

Another.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

Like a pinball machine, Subaru kept smashing Regulus higher and higher, the city below shrinking beneath them as they ascended.

Until—

"HUP!"

Subaru flipped, bringing both hands together—Excalibur shimmering with divine light—before she hammered Regulus straight back down.

Regulus fell.

Like a meteor.

Like a divine punishment.

BOOOOOOM.

The impact leveled an entire city block.

Debris rained down. The shockwave sent tremors through the entire district.

And yet—

As the dust cleared—

Regulus.

Still.

Stood.

Unscathed.

His white suit perfect. His face contorted with unhinged rage.

"Are you done yet, you pathetic excuse for a woman?!" he bellowed, his voice shaking with fury. "Do you understand how utterly pointless your attacks are against me?!"

Subaru sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're stupidly durable. Doesn't change the fact that I love watching you eat shit."

Regulus screamed.

And this time—

He attacked back.

Regulus, still seething with rage, did something that made Subaru’s brain short-circuit for a moment.

He grabbed an entire pool of water.

Not the pool itself—not the stone basin or the tiles—just the water.

Like it was a solid block.

Like it had edges.

Like it was a goddamn box of water.

And then—

He threw it.

At her.

Subaru didn’t move for a moment, watching in fascination as the entire liquid mass came flying toward her, perfectly holding its shape. It wasn’t splashing or falling apart—it was just a cube of water, soaring through the air as if it were made of solid glass.

"The actual hell—?!"

She jumped out of the way at the last second, the water block hitting the ground with a loud splat.

And then?

It just sat there.

Like a goddamn puddle-shaped brick.

"Okay," Subaru pointed at the mess. "Explain."

Regulus huffed, looking offended that she dared question his abilities. "Hmph! The concept of control over one's surroundings is clearly beyond your comprehension. A man of my authority dictates the very nature of reality!"

"No, no, I get that you're crazy, but even crazy has to obey some form of logic!" Subaru gestured wildly at the water cube. "That is not how physics works, my guy!"

Regulus ignored her. Instead, he turned to a horse carriage.

Not just any carriage.

One still hitched to its horses.

With a casual flick of his wrist, he lifted the entire thing off the ground—horses included—like it was a damn toy.

"Oh, come on."

Then, in the most disrespectful way possible, he flung it at her.

Subaru dodged again, watching as the horses, still attached to the carriage, just floated mid-air like they were suspended in a zero-gravity chamber.

They didn’t flail.

They didn’t kick.

They just drifted.

Like goldfish in a bowl.

"What the actual hell is wrong with you?!" Subaru shouted, watching as the carriage just settled gently onto a nearby rooftop, still intact, horses included. "Why are the horses floating?! Why are they not panicking?!"

"Because I have commanded them not to!" Regulus snapped. "The power of my being is absolute! Nothing I touch dares defy me!"

"That’s not how things work, you inbred pineapple!" Subaru ducked as he ripped a lamp post from the ground and flung it at her like a javelin.

It wasn’t spinning.

It wasn’t bending.

It just glided.

Like a magic missile.

"Do you not see, woman?!" Regulus roared. "You cannot win against the ideal man! I am perfect in every aspect, my control over the world is absolute!"

Subaru, meanwhile, was laughing too hard to respond properly. "Oh my God, this is hilarious!"

Regulus twitched. "You DARE mock—"

"You threw a pool at me, my dude!" Subaru wiped a tear from her eye, still dodging effortlessly as Regulus uprooted an entire row of cobblestones and launched them like bullets. "A pool! Like a Minecraft water block!"

Regulus huffed as he ripped a chunk of a bridge from the nearby river, held it over his head like a Lego piece, and tossed it at her.

Subaru flipped over it, landing gracefully on top of a fountain. "Damn, man, I knew you were weird, but this is a whole new level of bullshit!"

Regulus growled, his patience waning. "Why won't you just die?! Why must you be so difficult?!"

"Because this is fun," Subaru admitted, flipping backward as Regulus threw an entire statue—a whole-ass marble statue—at her without effort. "I've had plenty of near-death experiences, but this? This is just you throwing a temper tantrum in 4D."

Regulus snarled. "Enough of this—"

"No, no, keep going!" Subaru waved her hand dismissively. "What’s next? Gonna pick up a shadow and throw it at me? Maybe yeet the concept of Tuesday?"

Regulus' eye twitched. He looked around—then ripped a door off a nearby building and hurled it at her like it was a playing card.

"You’re getting desperate now!" Subaru sidestepped it. "Try throwing something original!"

Regulus roared in frustration—grabbed a pigeon out of the air—

And threw it.

Subaru caught it.

The pigeon just sat in her hands.

Completely still.

Like a goddamn rock.

They stared at each other.

"Did you just—" Subaru started.

"SHUT UP!" Regulus flung an entire balcony at her.

"YOU CAN’T JUST THROW PIGEONS, MAN!"

"I CAN THROW WHATEVER I WANT!!"

"THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS!"

"I REJECT YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN!!"

Subaru howled with laughter as she dodged another random piece of debris. "Oh my God, you’re actually insane! Like, cartoon villain levels of crazy! I should be scared, but I’m just so entertained!"

Regulus trembled with unholy fury. His entire body shook. "I have never—"

"Yeah, yeah, you’ve never been disrespected before, I get it," Subaru wiped a tear. "You live in a world where people pretend you’re powerful, and now someone’s treating you like a bad joke."

Regulus' eye twitched so violently Subaru thought he might explode.

Instead—

He reached down, grabbed a puddle of water—

And threw it.

It left a perfectly circular hole in the ground.

Like he had scooped it up with an invisible spatula.

Subaru just stared.

"...Okay, no, but actually— how the hell are you doing that?!”

Ö~Ö

High above the chaos, where the noble and the commoner alike had gathered in the relative safety of a half-crumbled watchtower, two young women watched the most ridiculous fight they had ever seen.

The full moon bathed the city in silver light, giving the entire scene below an almost theatrical glow.

Emilia sat on a broken ledge, her long silver hair swaying with the night breeze, eyes gleaming with pure entertainment. She leaned forward slightly, resting her chin in her palm, while beside her, Beatrice sat cross-legged on a pile of fancy cushions that had been stolen from some noble’s estate—because if they were going to be stuck up here, they might as well be comfortable.

Down below, Subaru had just dodged another absurd attack from Regulus, this time a cart full of vegetables that he had somehow hurled like a cannonball without the vegetables falling out.

Beatrice snorted.

"This is entertaining, I suppose," she admitted, popping a grilled fish into her mouth. "I have never seen someone throw a pigeon as an actual attack before, in fact."

"Right?!" Emilia giggled, clapping her hands together. "Subaru’s so good at making people mad—look, look, Regulus is foaming at the mouth again!"

Below them, Regulus was indeed foaming at the mouth, his rage reaching a boiling point as he tried to rip up the street itself in an attempt to kill Subaru, only for her to casually sidestep the entire mess, still laughing.

"Pass the grilled fish, Beatrice," Emilia said, reaching over. "This is the best dinner and a show I've had in a long time."

Beatrice handed her a plate. "I think Subaru could have ended this a while ago, in fact," she said, chewing. "But she’s deliberately dragging it out to be a nuisance, I suppose."

Emilia nodded, watching as Subaru lazily ducked another projectile—this time a grandfather clock that Regulus had somehow found and weaponized.

"Mm-hmm," Emilia mused, taking a bite. "It’s almost like…she’s trying to make him implode from rage rather than just kill him outright."

"Which, honestly, might work, in fact," Beatrice noted, sipping tea. "At this rate, I think he’s going to pop a blood vessel before he actually lands a hit, I suppose."

Below them, Regulus let out a horrific screech, literally tearing a tree out of the ground—roots and all—and throwing it at Subaru.

"Hah! Is that all you’ve got?!" Subaru taunted, effortlessly cartwheeling over the massive projectile, landing gracefully like she hadn't just dodged a whole-ass tree.

Emilia and Beatrice both took a synchronized sip of tea.

"This is the best thing I’ve ever seen, in fact," Beatrice said.

"Me too," Emilia agreed.

Author Note:

I have changed the names of the Patreon tiers.

Amber League→ B Rank.

Sapphire League→A Rank

Diamond League→S Rank

Pink Star League→EX Rank

The emoji are still the same so you shouldn’t have any trouble identifying them.