[Early Access] Monster Dating Show: Dealing with Exes (Patreon)

Welcome to the first round of Monster Dating, where five creatures compete in order to become your forever mate! For our Valentine's Day special - and given the festive occasion - we won't have anyone eliminated...yet. You can, however, vote your favorite of the round, which earns you a special date with the winner.

Get to know the participants in this little introductory round.

Participant A: Exes? I couldn't care less about other monsters. I don't know, I guess I'd ghost them, or something? Look at me, I can just vanish the hell out of there.

[The camera zooms in, giving the audience a closer view of the pair of pants sitting on the chair. From the pocket, a small keychain dangles outwards: Human fucker for life.]

Mr. Host: Say, you're a bit of a human weeb, aren't you?

[The invisible hands are shoved inside the pockets, and the participant's chair groans lightly]

You: ...A what?

Participant A: I can't tell if you're trying to mock me with that kind of wording, but I'll let you know I'm a proud human fucker indeed! Why else would I be here? My beep only goes up for those sweet, little furless creatures.

[You look at the camera with an awkward smile as Mr. Host shuffles his papers and whispers another lecture about obscenities and lawsuits]

Participant B: How I deal with exes? Oh, I just devour them, really. How else would I maintain this?

[She leans sideways in her chair, pinching her plump thigh to prove her point. Mr. Host gestures at the cameraman to wipe the drool and zoom back out already]

Participant B: But you don't have to worry about that, (Y/N) darling. I'd never eat you! Well, not in the literal sense, anyway. [she glances down at your groin and smirks]

Mr. Host: Hey hey hey, behave yourself! [he snaps his fingers in front of the demoness]

Participant B: Of course! I wouldn't just jump out of my seat and actually act on it. Who do you take me for?

[After a short pause, she lunges at you, and you both tumble to the floor. Mr. Host begins screaming about etiquette, waving his arm at the camera crew and signaling for an ad break]

[The screen plays an advert about the latest flavor of monstrous instant noodles: Hellish Fires]

[Minutes pass. The channel finally switches back to live. You're sitting in your chair, legs squeezed shut and face flushed red. The succubus stares ahead with a smile and wet, glistening lips. Mr. Host is checking the remaining questions with a defeated expression]

Participant C: Oh, well...To be honest, I've never actually...

[The drider begins to fidget, avoiding the camera. You place a hand on his arthropod appendage]

Mr. Host: Right, you spent most of your life collared up, eh? Is that your thing, or...

Participant C: I didn't really...have a choice. [he scratches his cheek, searching for words] Anyways, I guess I'd-...Hmmm...strange. I can only picture myself as the ex. Which is probably the most realistic scenario. I mean, look at everyone else. What am I even doing here? I don't have any special powers - have I mentioned I can only create barriers? - and I'm rather plain-looking. You'd probably break up with me. Would I accept that? Sure. What else could I do? Don't get me wrong, I'd never move on. I'd mop around for the rest of my life, miserable and alone... [he continues rambling about his misfortunes]

[Mr. Host frowns at the camera crew, tapping his pen against the stack of papers. This guy's a special kind of pathetic, he thinks with pursed lips. Should they cut his interview short? No, not yet. There's some charm to it, after all. It'll tickle the sympathy of the audience. Poor, sweet boy, they'll think with shy tears. Hell, they might even watch merely out of pity! One can almost discern the dollar signs reflecting in the gorgon's eyes]

Mr. Host: Fantastic thing you got going there, boy! Save some of the sob stories for the later rounds, though.

Participant D: ...A what?

Mr. Host: You know, an ex-partner. Someone you're no longer dating.

[His screen goes black, and the eldritch creature begins computing]

Participant D: I'm afraid I've never 'dated' anyone. I have only existed within the void.

[A moment of silence. You glance at the camera, and Mr. Host flips through his pages. Clearly this wasn't part of the plan]

Mr. Host: Alright, let's put it this way; if you had a partner, and you broke up-

Participant D: Nonsense.

Mr. Host: Excuse me?

Participant D: I would not engage in any kind of courting unless I was certain of our compatibility. There would be no break up. [the TV head turns towards you, glitching eyes multiplying on the old screen] Rest assured, my dear (Y/N); I am not here out of some whim or mere desire. I have determined, with statistical accuracy, that we are fated to be together.

Mr. Host: A lot of confident contenders here, huh? We'll see how your math does in the next rounds, my man!

Participant E: What a puerile kind of question. Is this how you plan to gain viewers?

Mr. Host [visibly annoyed and insulted]: It's a preliminary round, boy. The audience - well, (Y/N), I mean - needs to know you, build some rapport with you! Are you to be trusted? Do you keep your previous partners around? These things matter, you know.

Participant E: Complete fodder. [he sighs, then leans back] I don't waste my time with romance. There's no "exes" to be had. [he looks at you with a determined gleam] So don't bother worrying; once you're mine, there's nothing coming in between.

[You turn away from the camera, a faint blush on your face]

Mr. Host: Now wait a moment, no time for romance? Why the hell are you here, then? It seems to me that the human is some sort of treasure to be won and displayed, the way you put it.

[Mr. Host leans into his microphone and whispers something. The audio team plays a fake track of people gasping in shock]

Participant E: Call it however you want, it doesn't change the fact I'll win this foolish game. [he crosses his arms, unbothered] Mark my words, human. There's no one better than me here.

[Mr. Host opens his mouth to speak, but reconsiders it. He glances at the camera mischievously. Should he tell the proud naga that there won't be any battles, just 'foolish games'? No, he'll realize it himself very soon...]

Special Guest: If you ask me, there's no place for friendship once it's over. I go for a clean cut!

Mr. Host: I see your point. What if you meet them spontaneously, though? Say...on the street, out in the world.

Special Guest: Huh? No, I don't keep them around. Why would someone else take them?

[The mantis creature considers the question again, then looks at you sheepishly]

Special Guest: Unless you want to have them?

You [shuffling in your seat]: Y-Your exes?

Special Guest: Their heads. Oh, I'm sorry, perhaps I wasn't clear; I behead them. I could offer them to you as trophies, if you'd like.

[Your hand involuntarily wraps around your throat, protectively]

You: No, thank you.

[The mantis lifts a bladed arm, demonstrating a swing]

Special Guest: Well, if you ever need me to take care of a pesky partner...Not to brag, but I'm the best when it comes to keeping it spotless and quick. [he grins at you flirtatiously]