Prompt: Monster HOEtel and Dating (Patreon)

What kind of dates would the monsters plan for their favorite human?

Content: various monsters x gender neutral reader (partly NSFW)

Centaur Manager is more of a homebody, except said home is the hotel and its perimeter. He's a little anxious to leave the property for too long, worrying that things could erupt into chaos at any given moment if he's not there to implement guidelines and distribute tasks. Moreover, he's afraid that wandering too far would increase the volume of unforeseen dangers and potential risks for you, so he'd rather keep the dates cozy...and meeting the standards of the employee handbook. Maybe a nice walk outside. Or, you know what, his office is probably the best choice. He'll order you some nice food and set the mood. Isn't it thrilling? Fucking in an office is, like, the ultimate code violation! He can be a bad guy every now and then for your sake.

Minotaur Maid isn't much of an outdoor monster. There's too many germs and critters buzzing around for his own comfort. Thus, he will keep the dates neat and free of any outside interferences. Similar to Centaur Manager, the head of the cleaning department is quite attached to his flawlessly polished labyrinth. Ideally, he'd just keep you there. Whatever happens afterwards is up to you, as long as you're snuggled up in his lap. He loves having you in his grasp, smelling your scent and brushing his snout against your warm skin. The first time it happened, you were rightfully terrified to be thrown over his shoulder with such nonchalance, until you discovered he's just pathetically fond of you.

Toby loves nature, so your dates always happen among the well-cared for greenery of his gardens. Besides, you’re not entirely sure what else could be a practical location for a cosmic-sized God – certainly not your regular diner. He likes to keep things simple and greatly enjoys mundane, cozy activities. Most often he will suggest a picnic as a spontaneous lunch break, so you can sit down and catch your breath from the monstrous shenanigans. You once wondered out loud how he even manages to make the preparations for your romantic outings. “Don’t get me wrong,” you said, visibly embarrassed, “but...aren’t your hands several times the size of the items here?” He let out a sequence of vibrations, most likely a chuckle, and gestured quite casually that he’s well beyond the need of manual labour. Everything is conjured by thought alone.

Puppy Hybrid isn’t exactly what you’d call romantic. To him, dates are just an annoying delay that keep him from mounting you. Sure, he can sit through them with an obedient smile, but he will be drooling, huffing, and fidgeting in anticipation. That’s not to say all he cares about is sex! He will be particularly clingy and affectionate afterwards, too, nuzzling himself up against you with a lazy whine. He loves skin-to-skin contact, it makes him feel safe. You’re his safe place. No fancy outing could ever compare to the blissful joy of curling up in your lap or waking up with you in his arms. When you're not there, he'll cling onto some belonging of yours - perhaps the shirt you wore the day before - and occasionally sniff it for reassurance. Give it a wash afterwards, he probably didn't stop there. What can you do, he's a needy boy like that.

Alien Priest doesn’t entirely understand the concept of “dates”. Do you not normally hang out with each other? What differentiates a date from a regular meeting? He’ll think of ways to make it particularly exceptional, though his ideas may differ from what you would consider a special experience. He used to enthusiastically take you to ancient libraries and tell you about forbidden tomes of lore and forgotten history, until he finally figured out that you don’t share his burning passion for alien knowledge. Lately, he’s discovered the perfect hack to a successful date: he reads the future shortly before his intended offer, then changes plans accordingly. “We could’ve also stopped there,” you reassure him. “I wouldn’t have minded.” He smiles to himself underneath the mask; oh, you would have minded. He knows.

Plant Daddy is all about luxury. He wouldn’t consider himself arrogant, although he certainly likes to show off when it comes to you. Mind you, it’s not just a display of opulence and nothing more; he’s an extremely insightful monster when it comes to those around him. He has to be, otherwise he wouldn’t have climbed his way to the very top. So, you don’t think much of it when he asks about your day, stirring his coffee and glancing out the window with a distracted, but polite smile. He’s taking mental notes of all the sighs, comments, nuances. Were you complaining about missing your favourite band when it played in town? He’ll book them just for you. There are no limits when it comes to his little human. On what else is he meant to splurge, if not his beloved?

Slug Hybrid is very old school. He’ll have the flowers ready, take you to a nice restaurant, pull some funky dance moves in an attempt to dazzle you. There’s a vintage, nostalgic feeling to him that you can’t quite pinpoint, and he seems to have an amazing grasp on human culture. You’d asked him before about the source of his extensive knowledge, though he only offered vague, evasive explanations. Finally, one morning, you had your answers: while cleaning his room, you found an impressively thick stack of old magazines from the human world. Advice columns, etiquette talk, dating tips...all several decades old. Should you tell him that his holy grail of flirting is severely outdated? No, you’ve grown rather fond of his retro charm.

Slime Guest considers any time spent together as a date. Whether you’re, uh, aware of it or not. They have the terrible habit of sneaking into your belongings and following you around. It doesn’t sound too bad, until you take a spoonful of your lunch yoghurt and realize you just swallowed down your brightly coloured guest. Don’t worry, it was but a small, replaceable part of them. What other monster can brag about hanging out inside of you – literally? Moreover, they’ll always come up with ways to get more of your time and attention.  “Again,” you ask, incredulously. “We literally came back from a date.” The creature grins and points to its other self, standing behind you. “That wasn’t me! It should be my turn now.” But...it’s still them- Ah, whatever. More freebies for you.

Vampire Noble doesn’t ever speak, so dates revolving around conversation would be awfully awkward for you, he imagines. Thus, he prefers to go for activities with a different focus, such as theatre plays, opera acts, museums, graveyard walks. This way there won’t be any tension in the silence between the two of you, and – most importantly – he can listen to your thoughts and opinions afterwards. That might be his favourite thing about you: your voice. There’s something so lively and refreshing about your manner of talking, unlike the royalty he’s been surrounded by his entire life. Whenever you think you’ve rambled on for too long, he will wave his hand and gesture for you to continue. You probably guessed that he also likes it when you’re vocal in bed.

Cursed Child (platonic) is always begging you for playdates. You wondered if she had any kids to play with during her stay at the Hotel, but she just offered you a strange, confused look when you brought it up. “What business might I have with the youngsters,” she responded in a startling deep voice. The games she suggests are always a little odd and feel very outdated, like the pretend revolution using finger puppets. When you vehemently refused to put your thumb under the guillotine, she sighed and remarked how much the times have changed. “It was a big hit a couple of centuries ago,” she told you nostalgically. Nonetheless, she enjoys spending time with you – terribly so. When she gets particularly excited, her eyes begin swirling in a pool of darkness, and she claps her hands to the rhythm of a whispered lullaby in a language that makes you dizzy.