Monster Hotel and Daddy Potential I (Patreon)

Random thought I had on a Friday evening. Ranking the staff and guests by their fathering abilities, from flawless parent to complete disaster. This part features the hotel staff!

1. Orc Chef

This man is quite frankly the parent blueprint. He's thoughtful, responsible, and knows how to cook. Not only would he manage, but he would do so exceptionally. You'll wake up to an elaborate breakfast and the kiddo wrapped around his massive torso, observing the cooking process with wide eyes. "Now, it's essential you don't stir too much," he explains to the half-orc infant, gesturing for you to sit down. There's a pleasant smell of coffee as you eye the French press next to the busy pair. He's got everything covered. You begin to wonder if you're relying on him too much, but - as soon as you consider the possibility - he pours a freshly made sauce over your crepes with a reassuring smile. No such thing.

2. Toby

Is Toby a good father, or is the child just a peculiar result of a human mating with a cosmic God? Whatever the case may be, the alien doesn't seem to struggle at all when it comes to caring for infants. There's no fussing around him, as he always seems to find the perfect solution for the baby's struggles. Indeed, parental matters fit him like a glove. Yet you can't shake the feeling that the child itself doesn't exactly display the same demands and behaviors of a regular human as you're used to. "What are you holding there," you once asked the little one, bending over and retrieving a book. Feynman's Lectures on Quantum Electrodynamics. In colored crayons, the sides were scribbled with minor corrections and suggestions for improvement.

3. Centaur Manager

Centaur Manager is just as anxious in his family life as he is on the Hotel grounds. After all, being a father is a full-time job, which is, like, twice the responsibility! His office is packed with parenting handbooks. You've found diagrams and organizational charts all over the house, even in the form of soaked papers hanging from the bathtub. "I can do this," he mumbles to himself, wiping the cold beads of sweat. "It's just bottle feeding," you mumble under your breath. Utterly false, (Y/N), and if you had done your reading, you would've known how vital it is to achieve the perfect angle and determine the right time to cease the nurturing process.

4. Minotaur Maid

He may not be the most affectionate father out there, but he will keep the home clean. Spotless. Moreover, he will fearlessly take on the less glamorous tasks that come with infants, no matter how revolting or chaotic. Perhaps the only downside is that you have to occasionally remind him the difference between a baby and hotel furnishing that demands maintenance. No, he can't mop the baby. The baby doesn't need to be dusted. A bath will suffice in order to clean the mud off; he doesn't need to spray the bundle of joy with industrial disinfectant. Sigh.

5. The Warden

Listen, he's doing his best. It's just that his best is not compatible with this particular task of caring for another living being. He's a protector by job and an entertainer at heart, and none of these traits are of use when it comes to feeding or changing diapers. Ah, perhaps there is something he excels at: keeping the infant distracted. Every cry is quick to vanish once daddy Warden brings out his magic kit. Balloon animals, explosions popping off at his fingertips, monstrosities pouring out of his mysterious chest mouth. The child will be gawking for a long time, long enough for you to recover.