the story behind ”she gave you scars?” (Patreon)

(trigger warning: abuse)

marvin is real. he is not a colleague, but a relative and my role model in life. this year he told me about the things his girlfriend did to him 30 years ago, about how he tried to navigate that situation, about how this tiny little thing could come at him (or herself) with all kinds of weapons she found in the house (frying pans, stiletto heels, knives…) and the fact that he could never defend himself properly. one moment she was brittle and vulnerable, and the other she tried to hurt him severely. she did, too. and this is a 6 ft tall man with 190 pounds of broad shoulders and muscle!

she also forced him to write long essays about why he was such a bad person, and if the text wasn’t good enough he would have to write it all again. she also isolated him from his friends. marvin knew she was doing all this because she had been abused in the past, and thought he could eventually save her from her own demons. he was afraid of what she’d do to herself if he left. and… he never rose the alarm. he let her hurt him over and over and over. one day he just had had enough - he stopped the car, let her find her own way home, and never spoke to her again.

today he is so happy. at peace. he has a life he loves, a harmonious loving marriage and three beautiful daughters. everything turned out more than fine for him, but his story gave me an eye opener for sure. this could happen to anyone. absolutely anyone.

another time this year a friend of mine gave me a ride. as i saw his right hand on the wheel i noticed a scar i hadn’t seen before. it turned out he had dated a girl a few years back who went completely wild when she got angry. nails, teeth, you name it. she also tried to manipulate him, isolate him from his friends, and use every trick in the book to subdue and control him. she even went to the police to show bruises she had (not from him) and tell them he had caused them. he is also a person i would never have thought would have gone through such a thing. but he had.

this is such a hard situation!! men get abused, too, and when they do it’s such a socially difficult thing to navigate. if you have experienced anything like this you have my deepest respect and empathy. if you go though it right now - don’t hesitate to tell people this is happening. it happened to marvin, it happened to my friend, it happens to a lot of people. there are ways out of there that you may not see yourself. you don’t have to figure it out alone.

sending you all my love.

xx.