Maybe, Perhaps, Some Assembly Should Have Been Required [mini-giantdroid to giga-giantdroid] (Patreon)

Thank you to the patron who came up with the idea for this story and commissioned it!

I have shared it here with his permission and, at his request, as an exclusive for subscribers at the Mega-GTS tier and up. Hope you enjoy!

Cate folded her arms across her chest and gave the ten-foot-tall box—if one could call a trapezo-rhombic dodecahedron made of not quite metal a “box”—a third once-over. Trying to scrutinize it for longer or more closely had just given her a headache. She had at least been able to figure out that it was approximately twice her height. “I gotta say, Dubs, that’s an awfully big, uh…thing…for a two-foot-tall robot.”

Aaron (“double A” or “Dubs” to his friend group) shrugged as he looked around for the instruction manual that was supposed to have come with it, stamping out the small fires and and smoldering embers triggered by the object’s landing as he went. “It’s actually one and a half feet tall. And the size makes sense. It had to survive the orbital drop.”

“Eh, true.” Cate squeezed her eyes shut as the headache started to set in again. “What’re you looking for now?”

“Instruction manual. It was supposed to be delivered in a separate pod. I’m not sure what it looks like or even how big it is, though. Could be, like, a microSD card.”

She gestured at the…pod, she guessed it was? “That’s weird. Why not include it in the—”

“—apparently seamless, incredibly durable object that we can’t open?”

“Fair point.” She half-heartedly stepped away from the still-warm orbital drop pod and into the cold morning air to join Aaron’s search for the manual. “What possessed you to buy this thing, anyway?”

“Didn’t. The Hodiernan Galactic Empire posited that I’d be a good product tester for the Earth market and offered it to me for free.”

Cate scoffed. “Nice work if you can get it. What made them think that?”

“Remember my work on the translation team during the trade agreement negotiations?”

“Yeah?”

“I pointed out a number of typographical errors in the Pact.”

“That’s all?”

“The typos I pointed out were In the original FVrauunchooufleerurese.”

Cate blinked twice. “I’m not even going to ask. Ok, so, why’d you agree to test it?”

“I—“ Before Aaron could complete his answer, a brilliant streak pierced the sky and an object slammed straight down into the Earth, just inches in front of him. He yelped and jumped back, then checked to see whether any part of him had been sheared off, burned off, or both. His hair, eyebrows, and nose all seemed undamaged. Aaron looked up to see that Cate was, like him, holding her hands out in a protective gesture and slowly backing away from this new object, which (once the visual purple afterimage of the light cleared from his eyesight) appeared to be a…completely ordinary overnight courier envelope? Aaron squatted down cautiously, held out his palm over the envelope to see whether it was safe to touch and, feeling no heat whatsoever radiating off of it, picked it up.

“Dubs! What are you—!” Cate watched him pick it up and rip it open by its rubberized plastic strip, just like one would with a completely ordinary overnight courier envelope. “—never mind, then, just go ahead touch the alien object that nearly killed you with your bare hands.” She waited patiently as he looked over the also-completely-ordinary, paper instruction manual he’d extracted from the envelope. She continued to wait patiently for all of two seconds. “Come on! What’s it say?”

Aaron shook his head and turned over to the back cover, then flipped the whole thing back around again to look at the front cover. The manual consisted entirely of the cover page bearing the product name, “Personal Satisfier” (which Aaron identified as the first issue he’d need to tell them to fix, because that  clearly wasn’t the intended meaning), a back cover with just the Empire’s heraldric crest, and a single interior page. The recto side of said page bore an Ikea-instructions-style picture of two stylized humans shaking hands in front of an orbital drop pod. The verso side depicted a smiling human giving a thumbs up and a frowning one giving a thumbs down. “Nothing. Just the product name. Everything else is pictures.”

“Wait, like Ikea?”

“Yeah.” Aaron held up the manual for her to see.

“What are we supposed to do, then?”

“I think we shake hands, uh, near it?”

“Hang on. The whole reason I drove fifty miles out into the middle of nowhere at the buttcrack of dawn to help you with this crucial two-person—“

“Actually, they specified ‘two-humanoid or one heavy-gravity ichthyoid with Class B or higher psychic’—”

“—with this crucial two-person job—“

“Sorry.”

“—was to shake hands with you?”

Aaron shrugged, palms up. “I’ll still give you your ‘thanks for helping me to pack, move, and/or build furniture’ beer?”

Cate walked purposefully towards her 6’5” friend and extended a hand. “Deal.”

As soon as Aaron’s hand clasped hers, all 24 edges of the plesiohedron glowed with warm, scintillating light. With a click and whoosh, its faces retracted into nothingness to reveal a column of light and a cloud of ethereal, languidly-falling smoke. All that remained of the pod was a small pedestal on the ground. Aaron looked down expectantly for the small robot’s appearance. He did not know what, exactly, to expect. Would it be humanoid? A miniature version of one of the billions of species making up the HGE? A gonk droid out of Star Wars?

What emerged from the light and smoke was decidedly un-gonk-droid-like: A dainty (but 1.5’-long) human foot, followed by a 2.5’-long, shapely calf and shin. Those were followed by breasts, each over a foot high and together more than two feet across, above Aaron’s eye level. Then, finally, the rest of the android’s body—an exaggerated hourglass with the aforementioned, enormous breasts, a narrow waist, wide, rounded hips, and full buttocks—appeared. They were either clothed in a brilliant white, long-sleeved, skintight, turtle-necked bodysuit, or that was their ‘skin’. Either way, it left very little to the imagination. The android was far and away the most beautiful feminine-presenting creature that Aaron had ever seen.

The nine-and-a-half-foot tall android’s eyes sparkled with unrestrained happiness as it (she?) smiled down at Aaron, folded…her? Their? Aaron was going to go with neutral pronouns for now…hands together behind their back, and cocked their more than two-feet-wide hips towards him seductively. In a warm, lilting, alto voice, the android said, “Well, hello, handsome!”

Cate was the first to recovered from the shock. “Welp, I guess that answers why you agreed to be a test subject.”

“What? No! I didn’t…they’re—sorry, you’re—“

“No apology necessary. If it is your desire to speak about me as if I am not here, nothing would make me happier.”

Cate arched an eyebrow at Aaron.

“—I’m supposed to be testing a personal assistant!”

“Uh-huh.” Cate pointed at “Personal Satisfier” on the manual in Aaron’s hand. “I’ll leave you to your new friend.” Cate looked way, way up at the nearly-twice-her-height, curvaceous android. “Be gentle with our little guy here, okay?”

“Do not worry. I cannot do him harm.”

“Yeah, I guess that would be rule number one.”

“Only in the works of fiction by Isaac Asimov. In my case, it is rule four.” The android looked down at the smaller of the humans, who was, judging by her facial expressions and neural activity, trying to decide whether to ask about the first three rules. “The first three relate to matters of consent, particularly in regards to copula—“

“Okay, gotta go!” Cate backed up two steps and turned quickly on her heel to head for the older-model pickup truck parked in the driveway in front of the house.

“Before you go, shall I bring you the intoxicating beverages my owner promised?”

“Uh…” Cate stopped, turned back, and gave the android two thumbs up. “Yeah, sure.”

The android’s face broke into a broad smile as their eyes briefly glowed with the same white light that had filled the pod. They straightened up and jumped up and down, clapping daintily. The low thuds from each hop belied their weight. “Oh, I am overjoyed to warrant such praise! I will retrieve your beverages now.” With that, the android strode purposefully towards Aaron’s house’s back door.

Aaron and Cate were transfixed by the android’s enormous, swaying hips and ass. Their every movement was preternaturally graceful. When they got to the house, Aaron turned to his friend. “Listen, Cate, I had no idea. I did not agree to test a sex robot or…whatever this is.”

Cate sighed happily as she watched the android gauge the size of the door relative to their body, crouch, then bend over, then finally get down on all fours to crawl inside. “Dude, one, I believe you.”

“Oh, thank god.”

“Two, this? It’s a gift horse if I ever saw one. Enjoy yourself.”

4.34381e-23 Galactic Rotations Later

“Why should I not address you as ‘owner’?”

“Hoo boy. Uh, so, most humans, including me, consider it evil to own other people. Being called ‘owner’ therefore makes me very uncomfortable.”

“You need not be unsettled. I am not a person.”

“Yes…okay, but, well, are you sentient and sapient?”

“Yes.”

Aaron reminded himself that he was actively engaged in not objectifying them and did his best not to steal another glance at the cleavage of the nearly 10’-tall robot sitting, cross-legged, on his living room floor. He failed. Were it not for the android’s uncommon size, they would be indistinguishable from a ravishingly beautiful woman. “And you look exactly like a person.”

“But for my height, which is well beyond the range of normal for your species.”

“Y-yeah. So, you put all that together, and thinking of you as property feels…wrong.”

“Understood. With what manner of address will you be most comfortable?”

“Um, my first name, I guess?”

“Understood. A-Aron it is.”

Aaron closed his eyes and heaved a deep sigh. “It’s ‘Aaron’. Even though it has the two ‘A’s, you only say the one.“

“I am sorry to have unsettled you yet again, A-A…Aaron.”

“No, it’s okay. I know the HGE is still working out English spellings and pronunciation.”

“True. The most difficult task in that regard is accounting for unwritten cultural determinants of speech and language.”

“How so?”

“In regards to your name, the Empire’s research on Earth culture indicated that my former pronunciation was not only correct, but, in fact, must be employed exclusively lest one ‘done mess up’.”

Aaron’s jaw dropped open briefly before he burst out laughing.

“What is funny?” A wounded tone entered the android’s voice. “Did I err?”

“No, no! No, not at all. That…it’s from a comedy sketch, where, so, the substitute teacher….” Aaron paused. “Um. So, it turns out it’s kind of hard to explain without getting into lots of substantial and nuanced issues in human culture, including matters of racial prejudice and the treatment of people of color by our structurally biased society as ‘the other’.”

“Understood. I shall research this and its related topics when not otherwise occupied with fulfilling your needs and wants.”

Aaron’s shoulders tensed. “Right. Um, so, listen. I have to ask this, but I don’t mean to offend you.”

“Again, you need not be concerned. I am happy to answer all of your questions, and to do so not only without judgment, but with complete approval.”

“Do you…” Aaron took a deep, bracing breath. “…do you have free will? I mean, you’re sentient and sapient, but are you…I don’t know, constrained by your programming to make or reject certain choices?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I was not programmed to desire to fulfill your every want and need. The Empire placed my consciousness, which emerged full-formed from the nebular Boltzmann brain that has ruled the Empire since the Universe first cooled, in this body at my request. I authentically, for myself and no one else, want nothing but to provide you with a blissful existence.” The android observed his facial expressions and neural activity. “You require an analogy to assist with full comprehension. I am, in my attitudes towards your needs, akin to the cows in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”

“Wait, like, the Douglas Adams book?”

The android cocked their head in a perfect simulacrum of human confusion. “No? A moment.” Their eyes glowed blue again. “Ah. Yes. Yes, like those in the eponymous book, which, while regarded here on Earth as fiction, is, in fact, a semi-autobiographical work that includes an abridged retelling of the author’s experience at said restaurant.”

Aaron blinked at them.

“If I have answered your questions satisfactorily, may we now copulate?”

Aaron, who was at a loss for words, simply gave the android two thumbs up.

5.56621e-24 Galactic Rotations Later 

Aaron lay flat on his back with his arms out straight to either side and his mouth hanging open. “That was…ho, god. Wow. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold out longer.”

The android, who was in the process of putting back on what had, in fact, turned out to be a bodysuit, again cocked their head in a perfectly human way. “Why? My goal was for you to orgasm. Your goal was to orgasm. We achieved our respective aims together and are both fulfilled. Is that not satisfactory?”

“Well, yes, but, um….” Aaron half sat up and propped himself up on his elbows. “So, many humans, including me, consider it selfish to be, uh, un-reciprocal in bed. There’s also a cultural taboo about men orgasming too quickly.”

“I am unconcerned with reciprocity and am uncorrupted by human cultural constructs that shame persons for failing to meet rigid conceptions of adequate sexual performance.”

“Oh. Huh.” Aaron flopped back down. “That’s actually really refreshing.” He flinched as the android was suddenly atop him on the bed, straddling him. Their massive breasts loomed over his chest and their slender (but, based on recent experience, incredibly powerful) arms pushed deep into the mattress to either side of his head. He was once again stunned by their beauty.

“I will continue to hold those views, then.” The android playfully, and gently, ground their pelvis against his. “What else about our first intimate experience did you find refreshing? Or pleasing? What would you have me do differently?”

“Um, nothing! I mean, I found it all great. Amazing in every respect. Was it…did you enjoy it, too?”

“It was the most pleasurable experience of my existence thus far.”

“Really? Even though, uh…” Aaron glanced down at her broad hips and long thighs, which dwarfed his own.

The android observed his tone and facial expressions, then compared them against the database of human nonverbal communications that the Empire had compiled during the negotiations for the Pact. “Ah. You are concerned about the size of your sex appendage, particularly in relation to my body, given that I am considerably larger than even the largest of humans.”

“Uh, no! No, that’s…” Aaron saw their expression and knew that even though they were new to him and to humanity generally, they were skeptical. “Okay, yeah, a little.”

“Do you wish to alter your stated preferences?”

“Huh? What stated preferences?”

“For my dimensions. Height one-point-five-apostrophe, apostrophe indicating prime, or relation to self, in Earth mathematics. I am one and a half times your height.”

“Ah, got it. So, here on Earth…well, at least in the United States, we use that apostrophe to mean a unit of measurement. Namely feet.”

The android’s eyes glowed blue. “I see. And the double prime, or terminal quotation mark, is used to indicate inches.” The blue light faded. “Query: Why does your polity not employ the system of weights and measures known as ‘metric’?”

“Ugh, long story.”

“I apologize for having frustrated you.”

“No, no, you didn’t. It’s a frustration at the way of the world.”

“Understood. Further query, now that we have uncovered a miscommunication: Do you wish for me to occupy a body of that size?”

“No!” The force of Aaron’s response surprised him. “Uh, I mean, no, thank you.”

“Why not? I want only to please you, and given your well above average height amongst humans, you must be unaccustomed to being shorter than others.” Their eyes glowed blue again. “Especially human women.”

“Uh, yeah.” Aaron took a moment to drink in the android’s perfect body and imposing size. They were literally a dream come true. “But, no, I prefer you taller. A…a lot.”

The android smiled and, Aaron swore, even blushed demurely. “So you wish for me to be taller?”

Aaron nodded, and gave them two thumbs up.

The android’s eyes glowed brilliant white and they shuddered with pleasure. “Feedback received. I shall be taller.”

3.65297e-20 Galactic Rotations Later

The android placed the grocery bags inside Aaron’s front door, then crawled through, taking pains to work their huge bust and broad hips in past the door frame. “I procured ingredients for your evening meal and additional intoxicating libations.”

“Thank you!” Aaron did not look up initially because he was in the middle of writing out an answer on the HGE’s “Personal Satisfier Initial Satisfaction Inquest,” and felt it important to be thorough in relating that humans considered assisting and satisfying to be very different concepts, especially in the context of personal attention and service, and really especially when “satisfying” extended to the realm of sex. “How was the trip? It’s a long way to the—“ Aaron finally looked up from his laptop to see that the android was no longer wearing their white bodysuit, but leather boots, blue jeans that hugged every inch of their lower body, a skin-tight white tank top that somehow made their breasts look even bigger, and a fleece plaid shirt. They appeared to be the very definition of corn-fed. “—whoa.”

“The walk was no difficulty. The distance to your food-for-currency exchange is merely twenty miles, I am already interfaced with your planet’s Global Positioning System satellites, and my running speed is greater than that of Earth’s personal land transports.” The android saw his eyes lingering on their plaid top. “Apologies for the attire. I was compelled to alter it to enter the market. Signage indicated that the wearing of both shoes and a shirt is a necessary predicate to engaging in commerce.” The android knelt up and began to gather the shopping bags by their handles in one large hand.

Aaron closed his laptop, set it aside, and hopped up from the couch. “Here, let me—!” He reached them just as they grabbed the last of the bags and stood. He found himself gaping up at them, stunned once again by their size and beauty. It felt like he was looking straight up. The heels on their new boots added enough height to make them even more imposing. “—help?”

The android brushed his cheek lightly with the side of their index finger. “No, Aaron. Your task is to relax and enjoy intoxicating beverages. Here.” They reached into a bag, pulled out a bottle of beer, and extended it to him. A light blue light illuminated their hand, followed by a progression of lights leading up their arm. The bottle frosted over. “I will prepare the meal. And every meal hereafter.” The android headed for his kitchen.

Aaron stared at the ice-cold beer in his hand. It was his favorite brand…and also not a screw top. “Uh, could you please grab me the bottle opener? Third drawer down to the right of—“

The android’s face and shoulders popped into view in the kitchen entryway, whereupon two beams of green light shot from their eyes, disintegrating the bottle cap. They then went dutifully back to work stocking the cabinets and fridge.

“—thhhhhhanks.”

9.13242e-23 GRs Later

“Aaron, I do not understand. Based on my observations thus far, one of the primary tasks to be accomplished in this contest is to ‘rough the passer’. Yet in this instance it warranted collective punishment?”

“So, uh, that’s only before the ball has been thrown by the quarterback. Once he makes a throw, he’s sort of off-limits to the defensive backs.”

“Why?”

“His role in the play is done. Hitting him serves no valid purpose.”

“I see. Only justified violence is integral to the contest, with justification determined by reference to human concepts of fairness and moderation.”

Aaron put down his beer and leaned back against the couch. He’d never thought of it that way. “Yeah. I guess so?”

“Is that also the motive behind the ‘offsides’ rule you previously attempted to explain?”

“Uh…” Aaron wanted to watch the game in peace, but also did not want to be rude to them or prevent them from learning. The point of this exercise, after all, was to help them and their ilk function better by learning about humanity. “Why don’t we watch something else?”

The android, who was sitting cross-legged in front of the couch (rather than on it, because their hips took up fully half of the couch and they wanted Aaron to be comfortable) turned to look at him. “You are not enjoying the game?” Their eyes glowed blue. “I will find a new audiovisual entertainment source based on your media consumption history.”

“Wait, you—no!”

The blue light faded from the android’s eyes. “I have erred. What is the nature of my error?”

“Uh, so, it’s that humans consider it—our media consumption—private. I mean, we all sort of know someone sees what we’re seeing, but we think of what we watch—especially, uh…aspects of our Internet browsing—as highly personal.”

“Understood. I will modify my memory—“

“No!” Aaron, recalling the instruction manual and out of a sense of urgency given how quickly the android obviously thought and acted, gave a thumbs down.

The android recoiled and tensed. “I have erred grievously. I apologize, Aaron. What must I do differently?”

“No, you…” Aaron sighed and leaned forward, then clasped his hands together between his legs with his elbows on his thighs. “I don’t mean to be harsh. I just know you act quickly.”

“Is my processing speed not an asset?”

“No, it is. It’s that…okay. So, I know you say you’re not a person. I know you say you want only what will make me blissfully happy.”

“I do not merely say them. They are correct.”

“But it’s hard for me not to think of you as a person. You’re a sapient being. And humans would consider modifying another sapient's memory a significant invasion of person...of one's autonomy and agency. It would change who they are. And I…I don’t want you to suffer that. Especially not just to make me, I don’t know. Momentarily happy.”

The android blinked and cocked their head slightly. Their tone was somehow…introspective? “Your happiness in relating to me is contingent, in part, on viewing me as an equal and treating me with respect.”

Aaron nodded.

“You are a kind person.”

Aaron smiled, shook his head, and shrugged. “I at least try to be.”

The android pushed up on the sides of their feet and their hands and backed themselves up onto the couch next to him. It sagged and creaked under their weight. They pulled their legs in to sit cross-legged again, then brushed a lock of hair back over their ear and hunched down so they did not loom over him quite so much. “Please tell me: As a human woman likely would not submit to memory modification, what would be the course of action of one who had acquired knowledge of your ‘private’ media consumption history?”

Aaron looked up into their perfect face and reveled in the sensation of their weight making the couch cushion tilt him in towards their body. He longed to lean just that bit more forward and cup their massive, inviting bust. But he kept himself focused on the conversation. “She would, um, probably act like it never happened. Like she never learned what she learned.”

“And that ruse would convince you?”

“Oh, uh, no. We all know from our own experience humans can’t really ignore information. What we learn gets incorporated into memories, and therefore our decision-making. But I’d appreciate her effort. And her deliberate choice to allow me my dignity.”

“I see. You would, through reciprocal and interlocking displays of avoidance, form an unspoken agreement to act as if privacy has been maintained even though knowing it is merely an act, thus allowing comfort to the one whose privacy was compromised.”

“Uh…” Aaron scratched his head. “…basically?”

“Moreover, the shared knowledge that the private information cannot go un-utilized, but is being utilized primarily or exclusively to inform the exercise of discretion in interactions with the other, combined with consistency of interpersonal behavior following the breach of privacy, repairs the harm to the relationship resulting from the breach of trust and/or feelings of exposure and embarrassment.”

“Yyyyyeah. Yes.”

“Understood. Then I shall, for your comfort, have my brain function in this regard as would a human woman’s.”

“N—that’s not—“ Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand and gave a thumbs down with the other. “No. I don’t want you to be anything other than, or less than, you are.”

“Ah.” The android paused in thought (which, given their processing speed and power, reflected extensive consideration) and their eyes flashed blue a few times. “Then you want me to…be myself?”

“Exactly.” Aaron gave two thumbs up. He could not stop his gaze from flickering down as the android gasped with pleasure and their large nipples hardened under their tight, white tank top.

“I am glad you are pleased, but I am also experiencing difficulty conforming your directive to my assignment parameters. We have already seen that I am, even with the best of intentions, and despite my knowledge and singular motivation to please you, capable of taking actions that diminish your happiness and/or comfort.”

“Well, yeah.”

The android looked actually confused. “That is…acceptable?”

“Yes. In fact, in my experience, that’s just how it is in an interpersonal relationship. Any interpersonal relationship. You do your best and learn the other person’s needs, desires, and boundaries as you go, and how to navigate things when your respective needs, desires, and boundaries conflict. You…grow together.”

“You desire this with me?”

“Yes.”

“Understood. Then I shall grow with you.”

Aaron nodded and gave two thumbs up. “Perfect.”

The android shuddered with pleasure again. They squeezed his knee with one large hand. “Aaron, your repeated approval has filled me with a desire for carnal release. Has this discussion been sufficiently contentious that we may now have ‘make-up sex’?”

Aaron blinked at them once, then again. “Yes. Uh-huh. Yep, absolutely. Please.”

1.13242e-24 GRs Later

Aaron arched his back and tightened his hug around the android’s waist, just above their wide hips and full buttocks, as he came. He flopped his head and chest down on their stomach and sighed happily as he felt his head bump into the underside of their breast. Aaron then smiled as he felt their long thigh weigh down on the backs of his legs. It covered virtually his entire lower body.

“That was…may I call you lover?”

Aaron nodded and relaxed even further as they began to use the tip of their fingernail to comb his hair, lock by lock, lightly scratching his scalp.

“That was fantastic, lover. At least equal to what I experience when you give your approval. I see why you were previously concerned with reciprocity.” The android’s body writhed slightly in what seemed like an entirely authentic display of recalled ecstasy. “Did you also enjoy it?”

Aaron tried to withdraw his softening cock from them, but they held him in place with a tiny “mmmh” that said, “No, stay.” He snorted. “Yeah. Yeah, that was even better than the first time.”

“Did it make you happy to make me cum?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Good. Then you may go down on me any time you like.”

Their second use of colloquial language caught Aaron’s attention. “Are you being more informal?”

They chuckled. The low, warm sound vibrated through their sternum and against Aaron’s head. “Yes. While you were providing cunn…going down on me, I found I lacked a means to describe the extent of my pleasure without being boner-killingly sesquipedalian. I therefore accessed a number of humanity’s online slang dictionaries.”

“Oh! Huh. But you didn’t say anything while we were having sex?”

“I did not have the chance. Unfortunately, sorting out the true usage of words from usages contained in inaccurate entries made by ‘trolls’ took an appreciable amount of time. And as you are extremely good at pleasuring me, at the point I finished my research, I was very close to cumming.”

“Oh! Well. That’s a compliment.”

“It is, and well-earned. If you want another one, what I attempted to shout a number of times whilst approaching and during my orgasm was ’oh fuck, oh fuck, Jesus Christ, oh fuck’. My simulated human physiology, however, allowed me to produce only high-pitched vocalizations. Primarily of the vowel ‘o’.”

Aaron laughed. “Well. That really is a compliment.” He caressed their huge breast with his hand, then drew his arm down to hug the upper swell of their huge buttock with his entire forearm as he pressed his cheek into their stomach. “Do you want to continue being less formal? You don’t have to.”

The android shrugged, which caused their breasts to wobble against the top of Aaron’s head. “Yes, I do. My vocabulary is vast, like my boobs—“

Aaron snorted in laughter.

“—so it is no trouble for me to express myself differently while not compromising my meanings. In other words, I can both be myself and relate to you more naturally.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, lover.” The android squeezed his hips up against their pelvis with their knee. “Query: Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

“Uh, no?”

“Good. Then I will hold you here against my big, warm, soft body until I feel that thick cock of yours start to grow hard inside me.”

Aaron picked up his head to look at their face. Were they using what they had found on his Internet browsing history without saying so?

The android smiled while biting their lower lip seductively, and winked.

3.54322e-20 Galactic Rotations Later

Aaron woke to the smell of coffee, eggs, and bacon. He realized he was splayed out on the bed, naked, and more or less wrapped in the bedsheet. He sat up, yawned, stretched, and blinked at the doorway. The door was slightly ajar. And the door frame looked…bent? Aaron extracted himself from the sheet and walked over to examine it. Sure enough, the wood on the left side of the door jamb had a large split in it at his eye level. The two jagged edges were angled towards the hallway, as if they had been pushed out by something leaving the room. Aaron surmised that the android had clipped it with their shoulder when bending down through the door. He muttered to himself, “Probably to be expected. They’re strong enough.”

“Is that you, Aaron? I made breakfast! Come get it while it’s still warm.”

Aaron pulled on his pajama bottoms and, on his way out of the door, ran his fingers over the jagged ends of the wood before heading out and down the stairs. Despite the damage and need for repairs, it was kind of sexy that they were strong enough to snap wood. Aaron reached the bottom of the stairs, turned left towards the dining room, and froze.

The android was bent over the oblong table, putting a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast down at Aaron’s preferred seat with one hand. The unexpected thing was that they were were bent over most of the table. Their bust and hips were at least as wide as it was long. Their head was nearly at the ceiling, and they were consequently using their other hand to push the small chandelier away from their head. On top of that, they were bent not only nearly double at the waist, but effectively doing a full squat at the knees. The android was some 20’ tall.

“What the—!” Aaron’s jaw dropped as the android straightened slightly to smile brightly at him and brush a lock of hair back over their ear. As they sidled around the table and got down on all fours to crawl towards him, Aaron realized that they were likely closer to 25’ tall than twenty. “what?”

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” The android leaned forward to give him a light peck on the cheek. Their puckered lips touched his entire cheek from jaw to cheekbone. “I made your favorite breakfast.” They looked back at the entryway to the dining room. “Oh. Here, let me move this huge ass of mine so you can get by.”

“I…how…how are you—“

“Bigger? Aaron, sweetie, you know I can alter my size to your preferences.”

“But…I didn’t—did I somehow tell you to do this?“

“Yes. You approved of me being taller and of me growing with you. Both. Emphatically.” They pushed a lock of his hair off up off his forehead and licked their lips. “Do you wish for me to return to my previous size?”

“I…I, uh…” Aaron blushed.

The android rested a fingertip as large as his penis and testicles put together against his erect penis. They stroked it lightly up and down through his pajama pants. “I thought you might not.” They pivoted slightly to the left, revealing a path between their shoulder-level hip and the entryway to the dining room. “Now go on and eat your breakfast. While you slept, I did some more research about ways to pleasure each other.” They smirked and their eyes flashed hungrily—not with blue or white light, but with quintessentially human desire—and then they swelled even larger. “You’ll need your energy.”

5.13242e-21 GRs Later

Aaron’s brain woke him up, urgently, for a reason that was not immediately clear to him. He blinked rapidly, half sat up from the couch cushion against which he was reclined, and furrowed his brow in confusion. He tried to divine why he’d woken up so stressed out. In response, his mind replayed the apparently-alarming sound that had disturbed him: A faint jangle of metal, like keys. His eyes went wide as he heard, not in his mind but right now, with his own ears, the telltale scrape of a single key entering the lock on his front door. And because only one other person other than him had a key to his house, the sound heralded not just a key, but Cate’s key. Aaron looked around frantically, taking stock of the situation so he could escape before she got inside.

One, He was stark naked and sporting morning (well, mid-afternoon) wood.

Two, what he had sat up from was not a couch cushion.

Three, what he had sat up from was the now 35’-tall android’s breast, which reached more than halfway to the ceiling. Their upper body was the length of the living room and their legs stretched into the dining room. In fact, they had their feet crossed at the ankle under the dining room table.

Four, once she came through the doorway, Cate would have a full-frontal view of the android’s nearly floor-to-ceiling hips and enormous, perfect womanhood.

Before Aaron could react further, Cate pushed open the door with her foot. Her arms were laden with beer and snacks. She was dressed in her hometown football team’s jersey. “Dude! Didn’t you hear me knock…ing?” Cate drank in the tableau before her. In order, her gaze lingered on the android’s shapely calves, luscious thighs, exquisitely rounded hips, dome tent-sized breasts, and luminous, cheerfully-smiling face.

The android gave Cate an incongruously girly, hip-level wave. “Cate! It’s good to see you again!”

Cate waved back, slowly, as her attention settled on Aaron (although she did spare a second for a quick but thorough examination of his extremely respectable erection). “They saw your Internet browsing history, huh?”

“Um. Yeah.”

“Here, let me move the couch back so you can sit down.” The android reached behind their body and, with a single hand, lifted the couch over their waist and placed it down in front of their stomach facing the TV. “We didn’t want to crush it by accident. Did you know that really good orgasms compromise your motor control?”

“Uh, so I’ve heard.” Cate gestured towards the kitchen, which was past the android’s thighs. “Should I, uh, go around back to get the beer in the fridge?” She inclined her head back towards the front door. “Or, uh, leave you guys to…whatever?”

“Oh, no! Aaron is excited to watch the game with you. He especially wants to see the team he prefers defeat the team that you prefer. Please, sit down. Relax.” With that, the android essentially shoveled all 6’5” of Aaron up in a single hand—gently, of course—and deposited him, naked, on the couch. Their entire body glowed bright white. By the time Aaron and Cate could see again, the android was once again 9’6” and dressed in their blue jeans, white tank top, and flannel shirt. “I’ll handle the preparation of drinks and snacks. Unless you would enjoy doing so, that is.”

Cate proffered the grocery bags up to the android, who accepted them with a smile before heading into the kitchen, ducking under the entryway as she went. Cate could not help but stare at their ass. When it (and they) were out of view, she looked over to Aaron. “So.”

“Cate, listen, I am really sorry about this. That you had to, you know, see, uh…I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I just, you know, I completely lost track of…” Aaron noted that Cate’s gaze was fixed on his groin. He swallowed and nodded. “Ah. Right. I should go get dressed.”

“Definitely for the best. I’m across the room and still worried you’re going to put my eye out.”

Aaron blushed a deep, rich vermillion as he stood. His embarrassment only intensified as he watched his dear friend’s eyes go wide at the resultant ascent of his erection. It seemed even more mortifying now that it was pointing straight at her chest. “Oh, god. Uh, can you, like, turn away, or something?”

Cate obliged. As she heard Aaron rush past her towards the stairs, she said, “Hey, Dubs?”

“Yeah?”

“We are of course going to pretend like this never happened, but for the record, god dayum.”

Aaron could not help but laugh and relax. “Thanks, Cate.”

He was mortified all over again when the android called from the kitchen, “Oh, yay! This new known-but-unacknowledged masquerade will make you even better friends!”

6.34381e-21 GRs Later

“Nononononothrowthegooddamnball! Throw the—gaah!” Cate sat back down hard on the couch as her preferred team’s quarterback not only got sacked, but fumbled the ball. “Jesus. This is a bloodbath.”

“Would you like another beer? Or snacks?”

“No. I need to drive home and if I eat any more processed foods today I’ll get sick. And fat.” Cate looked down ruefully at her slight pooch. “Fatter.”

“Is there anything else I can get for you to help you feel happier or more relaxed? Other than a quarterback for your preferred team who is not performing disappointingly in the twilight of his playing career?”

Cate scoffed and twisted to look at Aaron. “Did your android just trash talk me?”

“One, I don’t own them, and two, well, they’ve made it their mission to make me happy, so…”

Cate scoffed again. “Fuck you, dude.” She groaned as Aaron’ preferred team immediately scored another touchdown. “Why do you get to have it all? Winning team, successful career, monster schlong, giant sex droid—“

“Hey. Cate? Too far.”

Cate’s already-angry expression turned into a snarl. She pointed a finger at Aaron’s face and opened her mouth to lay into him, but then saw his stern-but-understanding expression. Her jaw quivered. “I…Shit, Dubs, I’m sorry. I’m…this was a rough week.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No. Let’s just watch the game.”

“Ok, no prob—“

“It’s just that barely anyone came to my gallery exhibition. And at least some people come to my website, but no one buys anything! I need a sale soon. One of my bigger canvases or a few of the smaller ones, or…” Cate trailed off. “Gah, fuck me.” She wiped tears away from her cheeks with both palms. “I’m sorry for drinking too much and turning into a giant bitch.”

“It’s okay.” Aaron put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Listen. I know you don’t want me to help. But I’m always here to help anyway, okay? Even if it’s just to bide you over to the next sale.”

“Thanks. I know. But I want to make it on my own merit, you know?”

“May I offer an observation, make a query, and then offer a second observation?”

Cate sniffed, wiped away tears from her cheeks again, and nodded up at the kind-but-not-pitying expression on the android’s face.

“My understanding is that the primary impediment to success for artists is finding their market.” Their eyes glowed blue. “Your website is well done. Your artwork is expressive and highly competent. But traffic to your website is limited. Do I have your permission to share samples of the works you have published on your website with potential buyers in the HGE?”

Cat straightened. “Yeah! Oh my god, yeah, that’d be great! You can also send them the website, I guess. Although, would that work?”

“It would. But sharing the link would be inadvisable. In its current state, the Internet would crash immediately under the volume of HGE traffic.”

“You mean my website?”

“No.”

“Oh. The entire…Jesus. Well, I mean, either way—”

The android’s eyes flashed blue, then red. “Done. I have connected you with seven hundred billion buyers.”

Cate’s jaw dropped open. “That’s—that’s amazing! I mean, even if just two or three of them end up buying something—“

The android cocked their head in confusion. “All of them are buyers.”

Aaron inhaled sharply through his nose. “Wait. Wait, you’re saying that seven hundred billion citizens of the HGE just bought Cate’s paintings?”

“Yes.” The android looked down kindly at Cate. “I apologize that it wasn’t a greater share of our citizenry of forty quadrillion. But as they say on VY-Canis Majoris-Seven, there is no accounting for taste.”

Cate shook her head with her jaw still hanging open. “How—thank you, I mean, but…how how am I even going to paint that much?”

The android cocked their head further. “I don’t understand. No further work is required. In addition to the fact that transporting canvas through the interstellar void is unacceptably dangerous, especially when the canvas is treated with pigments, the HGE long ago forewent physical works of art in favor of what are known among Kardeshev Type 2 and higher civilizations as ‘non-fungible tokens’.”

Cate flopped back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling for a few long seconds before saying, “I just sold seven hundred billion NFTs. I have never felt so amazing, and so dirty, at the same time.”

As Cate had her brief existential crisis, a look of unbridled joy came over the android’s face. “You have NFTs here on Earth? That is wonderful! Their development is regarded as the most reliable indicator that a species will survive the Great Filter. I must see these—“ their eyes glowed blue; the light did not fade so much as abruptly shut off. “—ah. Well. Perhaps not in this case.”

Aaron raised his hand. “Wait. This is incredible and all—except the NFTs thing, that’s ominous—but I have to know: What makes transporting canvas in interstellar space so dangerous?

The android’s face darkened. They lowered their voice to a fearful whisper and hunched towards Aaron secretively. “It attracts The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Ship Can Escape.” A second later, their expression then returned to its usual, pleasant smile and they straightened to their usual, impeccable posture. “May I now offer my second observation? Although it may no longer be necessary.”

Aaron and Cate exchanged a look, then shrugged and nodded in unison.

“It seemed like you could use a hug before. Would you still like one?”

Cate laughed. “Yeah! Sure, I mean, you’ve just changed my entire life for the better in half a heartbeat. Might as well give me a reason to be jealous of Aaron all over again.”

“Okay.” With that, the android turned, knelt up from their cross-legged position in front of Cate, and pulled her tight against their bosom. The android nuzzled her cheek with theirs. “You deserve to be happy, you know.”

“Oh, that’s really ni—“

They pulled her closer. “You’re a good friend to Aaron. A tolerant and understanding person. A woman brave enough to try making a living as an artist, and resilient enough to stick with it when it got hard.”

Cate tried to say “thank you,” but found that all her body wanted to do was cry grateful tears. Hearing these things, said genuinely and warmly, was something she did not know she had needed so much. She nestled her head against the android’s breast as the android squeezed her tighter against their yielding flesh. Cate then noticed that their breast seemed to be steadily pressing up and out against her face. She looked up at the android. “Uh. Are you growing?”

They nodded. “You did say you wanted a reason to be jealous of Aaron.” The android smirked as the seat of their jeans split with a ragged pop.

Cate, who had never judged Aaron for fantasizing about giant women but had never really understood it, initially tensed and squirmed in involuntary alarm against the android’s grip. But then, as their breast continued to swell against her chest and face (and chest, and stomach) and their hand spread out, firmly but gently, against her lower back, Cate started to get it. There was just so much warmth. So much softness! Just, so much boob.

Cate relaxed back into the hug. She squeezed either side of the android’s burgeoning chest. She was so enraptured by these new sensations that she did not hear it when the android’s jeans split down the sides with a loud shrrip, or when their flannel shirt split down the back between their shoulders.

Aaron, by contrast, did. He was transfixed and increasingly aroused by the android’s growth. The sight was even more titillating with Cate squeezed against a breast that was approaching the size of Cate’s whole body. The contrast between Cate’ petite body and the android’s burgeoning one made Aaron appreciate the growth all the more. It gave Aaron an even better sense of the android’s scale and proportions as their head once again crept up towards the ceiling. He stood from the couch and backed away, both to see more of the spectacle and to avoid being hit by the android’s knee as her legs grew longer, wider, and further apart. He had missed their jeans splitting at the seat. But now he had an excellent view as the side seam on their pants leg burst at both mid-thigh and mid-calf.

The splits propagated up and down the length of the seam simultaneously. They reached the waistband and hem of the android’s jeans in a fraction of a second. The denim of the waistband creaked briefly before it split open, launching the HGE logo-embossed metal button against one of the living room windows with a sharp tchink! The android’s growing hips popped the zipper of the fly apart before its slider even had a chance to work its way down said zipper. The slider instead snapped off one side of the zipper with a pop, like the winning side of a wishbone.

The hems, which had no single points of failure like the waistband, strained against the android’s lower calves, stretching audibly and more urgently until they, too, burst. In that same moment, their forearms overwhelmed the buttons on their flannel shirt cuffs. Those flew off to the android’s left and right. The shirt then ripped the rest of the way open down the back and exploded open at the shoulders. Shortly thereafter, what remained of the sleeves tore apart, starting at their biceps. The defeated sleeves fell to the floor, followed by what remained of the rest of the flannel shirt.

The android’s stretchy, white tank top was all that remained as the their head, then their shoulders, once again reached the ceiling and their growth stopped. It had been reduced to no more than a glorified, too-small sleep bra that was strained to transparency against the android’s enormous breasts.

Aaron’s gaze darted from the sight of the back of the android’s head and their shoulders brushing the ceiling, to their couch-width hips, to the sight of Cate’s foot dangling down next to a nipple that was nearly the size of…well, Cate’s foot. He judged the android to be once again close to 30’ tall. Aaron backed up a step as the android smirked at him, winked, and began to expand their breasts.

The android closed their fingers around Cate’s waist and hips, gently laid her further up on their boob, and giggled when Cate responded by splaying out her arms and legs and burying them in the androids’s breastflesh as if laying face-down on a beanbag chair. They moaned in apparent pleasure as the bottom of their tank top slid up past the lower curve of their breasts and began to bunch and strain at the widest swell of their bust. Titflesh bulged out and around that new stricture. Then, with another wink to Aaron, the android took (maybe? Did they actually breathe?) a deep, slow, deliberate breath and pulled their shoulders back to push out their still-growing chest. The tank top tore so quickly and so completely that it looked like the latex of a balloon snapping back on itself when popped. The android pulled off the shreds and handed them to Aaron.

Aaron held the remains of the (flawlessly simulated cotton) shirt up at shoulder height and with his hands shoulder width apart. The loose fabric hung down to his knees. Aaron realized that the shirt had been enormous—that they might must have been growing it along with themselves before deliberately out-boobing it for his entertainment. “That was the hottest fucking thing I have ever seen.”

“Mmm. Sounds like you’re ready for another round.”

Cate’s muffled voice emanated from the the android’s bust. She still had her eyes closed and was lolling atop the one breast in profound contentment. “Hold on there, you two. I’m not moving anytime soon. Maybe ever.”

The android chuckled and held Cate steady against their breast with one hand as they sidled around to face Aaron. “That’s fine. I’m more than equipped to fulfill both of you.” With that, they disintegrated Aaron’s pants and underwear with their eye beams, swung their upper body towards him to bowl him over, and pinned him to the ground with what was basically now a floor-to-ceiling breast. Then they grabbed his erection between the pads of their thumb and forefinger and began to stroke. “Good?”

Aaron laid on the floor, eyes wide, frozen in shock. “Uh, yeah. Uh.” He gave a thumbs up. “That’s for the handjob, specifically. But we need to….ooooh, oh god—“ he paused to keep himself from cumming as the android did something indescribably pleasurable to the underside of his glans with what felt like the single, enlarged ridge of their thumbprint “—to have a conversation about aiming disintegration beams at me, specifically.”

4.38056e-20 GRs Later

“Thanks for picking up the tab. I’ll get you back.”

“Cate, it’s five bucks.” Aaron sat at the formica-topped, metal-rimmed table of the one diner within 50 miles of their respective homes.

“Still. I can’t believe my bank froze all my accounts just because I deposited 90 trillion empiros without warning.”

Aaron snorted. “Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll have access again once the finsec people complete their due diligence. Then you, the richest human in history, can start to destabilize our economy, Mansa Musa-style.”

“Who?”

“Richest person in history. Ruler of Mali in the early 1300s. You know the hajj Muslims take to Mecca?”

“Yes?”

“He basically pioneered it. And during his hajj, he gave out an absurd amount of free gold, triggering rampant inflation.”

“Oh! So…don’t do that?”

“Maybe not to that extent? Although, you know, definitely change the world for the better. Just keep me around to prevent you from becoming Jeff Bezos. Or Elon Musk.”

Cate shuddered. “Yugh. Gross. I’d never. At least, I hope I’d never.”

“Well, you know what they say on VY-Canis Major-IX and -X, respectively: Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil.”

“Heh.” Cate nodded and inhaled deeply as she looked down at her coffee with an expression of concern. “Yeah.”

Aaron noticed the shift in tone immediately. “What is it?”

“Dubs—Aaron, I…listen. Yesterday was very obviously one of the greatest days of my life. But I’m worried about you.”

“Why?”

“So, I live here in Bumblefuck because I grew up here. You live here to get distance from people.”

“Only most all of them.”

Cate snorted despite her best efforts to remain serious. “Stop being funny! It’ll make me less authoritative while I’m giving you advice.”

“Sorry.”

“Thanks.” She exhaled quickly and with resolve, then inhaled slowly. “I’m worried that you’re going to stop making connections with people.”

“Why?”

“Aaron, in the same way that power corrupts, the android could very easily change you. What you want in human relationships.”

“I don’t see how—“

“Aaron. They follow your every command. Immediately. As completely as possible. Live for your approval. Are castigated by your merest disapproval. Anticipate your every desire. Fulfill those desires, perfectly—including the ones no human partner could—and aim only to fulfill your desires. That sort of experience is going to change how you are in close relationships.”

Aaron staightened to closer to his full sitting height. “I’m aware of my own thoughts and feelings, Cate. I know I’m engaged in a product test. It’s not going to change me.”

“Your prefrontal cortex knows that, sure. Does the rest of your brain?”

Aaron scoffed. “What, you think I’m being conditioned?”

Cate looked him straight in the eyes. “Dubs, you’re the most organized, put-together person I know. On game day you’d have everything set up for us to watch. Yesterday, I found you naked and groggy on top of a naked giantess in the middle of your living room.”

Aaron blushed and his tone turned wounded. “Yeah, and—“

“Dubs. This isn’t an attack.”

“Feels like an attack. Don’t you trust me? I mean, I’m the one who reminded you that I don’t own them yesterday. I have a clear head about this. I know there are temptations and am actively avoiding them.”

“Of course I trust you. And of course you’re being deliberate and careful. You’re you. But answer this: Do you think that you, out of all humans in history, are the only one immune to operant conditioning?”

A range of emotions and their related expressions played across Aaron’s face for the next three seconds. Then he slumped his shoulders and leaned his elbows on the table. “God damn it, I hate it when you’re right. It makes you insufferable.”

Cate shrugged and audibly sipped her coffee. “Hey, I can’t help it. It’s my vast intellect and insight that turned me into the self-made woman that I am.”

Aaron snorted, and chuckled. “You’re an asshole.”

Cate put a hand on his forearm and squeezed. “I love you too, Dubs. And, listen, I’m not saying you should…I don’t know, tell them to leave. I’m just saying you should keep this in mind for when the day comes that you find…” Cate sat up straight, tossed her short hair, thrust out her modest bust, and put on her best impression of the android. “…a human female with whom you are compatible and wish to mate for purposes of propagation of your species.”

Aaron snorted again and shook his head. “You remain an asshole. But thank you. I will.”

“And we’ll both keep each other around. Deal?”

“Deal.”

5.12972e-21 GRs Later

Aaron closed his front door behind him, hung up his keys on the hook by the door, and took off his jacket. He started to slip off his shoes, then noticed that the house was silent. “Hello?”

The android’s voice came in, faintly, from the kitchen. Or, more specifically, from the door leading out of the kitchen to the back yard. “Welcome home! I’m out back.”

He slipped his one shoe back on and headed for the back door. As soon as he stepped outside, he found himself wrapped in a single, massive, perfectly-manicured hand. The android lifted him to their lips and gave his entire face a moist, warm kiss with lips as thick as his thighs. They were at least 100’ tall.

“Hello, my adorable little lover.”

“What…why—!”

“During a routine scan of our home’s structural integrity, I detected slight degradation in one of the plywood sheets in the subroofing. I replaced it. Being this size facilitated the tasks of hauling the necessary materials from the tractor supply and construction goods store, and, obviously, comfortably reaching the roof to do the work itself.” They smiled broadly. “Then I decided to stay this big! I thought you’d like it. Was I right?”

“I—!” Aaron craned his neck to look down at the roof, noting, incidentally, that the android was kneeling down on their massive jeans-clad haunches and he was still some 20 feet above the peak of his roof…his completely new, now-slate roof. “—you replaced the entire thing?”

The android’s shrugged in a perfectly human way that conveyed “I thought it was the best approach.” “Might as well have the materials at similar levels of degradation to minimize the frequency of repairs.”

“It’s….yeah, sure. Makes sense. How did you—how did I—afford all the materials? This must have cost thousands of dollars!”

“My HGE-standard commission from brokering the sale of Cate’s NFTs. Which, as I have no need for money, I allotted to the payoffs of your mortgage and student loans, your authorized retirement contributions for the fiscal year, various investments, and tax impact-optimized donations to charities that align with your ideology and morals. I placed 95% of the remaining 70 trillion empiros in your savings account and the last 5% in your checking account. I hope you do not mind.”

Aaron inhaled sharply as he gazed up at the android’s flawless, building-sized face. They had, in the last 18 hours, casually reshaped his and Cate’s entire lives (and the lives of every one of their respective descendants) almost certainly for the better, and given both him and his closest friend the financial wherewithal to reshape the human economy and global affairs. He had a beautiful new roof. His erection was throbbing against a palm larger than his whole body, and if he wanted, he could ask them to get even bigger before fucking him silly.

This was too much power for any one human to have.

“We need to talk.”

3.22145e-23 GRs Later

The android sat next to Aaron on the couch with their wrists on their thighs and hands folded between their legs. They leaned their shoulder against his. For the first time, they were smaller than their original 9’6”. They’d said it would help facilitate the serious conversation. It had. “I understand. Cate’s right, too. I can see the reward pathways that have formed in your brain since my arrival. My presence and behaviors have changed you. Specifically, you will have some difficulty in avoiding feelings of dissatisfaction in a relationship with a human woman.”

“Yeah. I mean, of course. That’s just what happens to humans.”

“And you are presently capable of working through it. Those pathways are not fully ingrained in your neural network. But they will become so over time. This was not my intention, or the intention of the nebular Boltzmann brain from which I emerged. Most species in the HGE do not undergo these kinds of organic changes in response to new experiences. And no others have entire civilizations premised on norms that emerged primarily from, and can thus be driven to the point of collapse through, the outward, proactively interacting consequences of if/then dopamine and serotonin reward pathways.”

Aaron inhaled sharply and held his breath as he tried to formulate a dispute to that characterization of humanity. He found he could not. He exhaled and said only, “Yeah.”

“We also did not account for how Earth has artificially maintained a scarcity-based economy even though it achieved resource production sufficient for post-scarcity during what you call the 20th Century.”

“Ooh, that one hurts.”

The android lightly bumped Aaron’s shoulder with theirs. “If it helps, your charitable donations today will facilitate the end of hunger.”

He looked over at them and his face brightened. “Really? Where?”

They shook their head slightly and smiled a smile that said, “You still don’t get it.” “Earth, silly. I made donations of hundreds of billions of empiros in a manner consistent with your values. You wouldn’t have left anybody unfed, would you?”

Aaron scoffed, smiled, and shook his head. The scope of their actions was incomprehensible and mundane all at once. “You’re amazing.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean, we obviously need some guardrails on the scope of things Personal Satisfiers can do for people when they come to market, but I think you’re going to be a huge boon to people overall.”

“Thank you.” The android sighed in what sounded exactly like resignation.

“What is it? What are you thinking?”

“Quintillions of things.” They turned their face to his and smiled a wan, sad smile. “But primarily that I’m sad you are ending—or, more precisely, that we need to end—our product test so that you can preserve your ability to form a monogamous, intimate relationship with another human.”

Aaron put a hand on their firm, shapely thigh. “Me, too. It’s just…as crazy as it sounds for someone who deliberately moved the middle of nowhere to minimize interactions with other people, I do want to have that kind of relationship. To have kids. A family. And we obviously can’t.”

“Why not?”

Aaron froze, then inhaled and sat up bolt upright, then slumped forward slightly and looked the android in the eyes. “Wait. You can have kids?”

“Yes.”

“Children.”

“Yes.”

“You can procreate.”

“Standby. Running diagnostic.” The android sat preternaturally still for two and a half seconds. “Oral communication functioning at frequency and volume within respective ranges of human hearing.” Their body returned to perfect simulation of natural human movements. “Yes, Aaron! This is a viviparous, organic body containing gametes suitable for fertilization.” They turned on the couch and pulled one heel to their crotch so they could face him. “Listen. I want what’s going to make you happy. If that’s me going away so you can have the kind of relationship with a human woman that you’ve envisioned, I will.”

“But—“

“And I’ll be happy for you. I won’t even be sad for me because I’ll know you’ll have what you want.” They caressed his cheek. “But if I’m…being myself, being what you’ve helped me grow into in just this short time, I…would like to stay. To be the one to try to have that relationship with you.” They actually blushed demurely. “And, maybe one day, to have…a family…with you.”

For the first time, Aaron felt frustration that the use of given names was forbidden in the HGE, because he powerfully wanted to call them by name. “But…is that because it’s for you? That you want it? Or because you know it’ll make me happy?”

They smiled broadly and gave a brief, airy chuckle. “Both? Although, statistically speaking, parenthood, while regarded as ultimately fulfilling and worthwhile, will diminish your happiness for approximately two of what you call decades, and potentially longer, depending on the life choices of your progeny.”

Aaron laughed despite himself.

“Aaron, I know you’re uncomfortable with the fact that all I want is you and your happiness. But if I may, I believe that part of your concern about my commitment to you arises from a socially-inculcated human inclination to believe that you are not worthy of such love, and, moreover, that you are incapable of reciprocating it.”

Aaron raised his eyebrows, sat up straighter, and nodded. He was still processing the fact that if he wanted it, he and the android could have a completely “normal”, ordinary, human life together. “Yeah, there’s probably some truth to that.”

“Well, then. Let me assure you that you are more than deserving of love. My love included.” They took his face in both their hands, kissed him deeply, and pulled him towards them as they laid back on the couch with him on top. “And I am certain—“ in an instant, they were twenty feet tall and naked, and Aaron’s lower body was sandwiched between their once again floor-to-ceiling breasts. “—that you will find it impossible not to reciprocate. I will give you every reason to worship me just as much as I worship you.”

Aaron’s breathing grew ragged as he propped himself up against their clavicles with his arms out straight and looked down at their more than triple-sized face. “Oh, god. I…yes. Yes. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but forget ending the test. Let’s…” his gaze drifted to a shred of upholstery by their right armpit. Next to it, and their shoulder, were splinters and variously-sized chunks of foam that had, until a second ago, been inside one of his couch cushions. “…uh. My—”

The android blinked at him, then looked away guiltily. “Truth be told, I did not like the couch’s color. Or the texture of the upholstery. Or the shape of the cushions. Or the quality of the construction. It also did not go with the rest of your living room decor. Speaking of which, I have thoughts on—“

“Can we have sex first, please?”

The android giggled. “Absolutely.” They held Aaron to their chest with one hand as they diminished their body down to eleven feet tall, sat up, and stood, lifting him effortlessly. They then carried him through the hall to the kitchen and, after the usual contortions to get out through the back door, into his back yard. Once outside, they continued to walk away from the house. They also began to expand in size. Rapidly.

Within two strides, the android was 50 feet tall. In two more, they passed 175 feet. Their purposeful footfalls began to produce dull thuds, then whooms, then what sounded like surface explosions with underground counterparts.

As the android crested 300’, Aaron asked, “Where are we going?”

“A safe distance away.” The android shot past 500’ tall, taking care to step over the road and past the underline utility conduits with their 73’-long foot. They then continued through Aaron’s neighbor’s field towards the nearby, low hills.

“Away from what?”

The android passed 800’ in height and paused. They held the hand in which they were holding Aaron to their face and, with the other, playfully scooped him up in a single, 40’-wide fingernail. They licked their lips (which were together more than 80’ high), then lowered their face and raised their fingertip to give him a full-body kiss.

To Aaron, the kiss felt every bit like being being being pulled by a vacuum up against two blue whales. He enjoyed all of the sensations, but also wondered how he knew what it felt like to be suctioned against two blue whales in the first place.

The android continued, “Why, a safe distance away from anything that I might damage when I my orgasm compromises my motor control.” With that, they cupped their free hand under one of their 95’-wide breasts, lifted that breast towards their face, and deposited Aaron on their 6’-long nipple so that he sat astride it facing their boob. “Hang on tight, now, little man.”

With that, the android took the three steps necessary to reach the hills. It took only three steps because with each, the android enlarged their body further: First by another 800 feet, then by another 1,600, and finally by 3,200 feet. They loomed above the plains at 6,400’—1.2 miles—tall.

Aaron found himself atop a nipple that was now not 6’ long, but 87’. The cold air bit at his face. A stratus cloud floated lazily by two hundred feet below him, off to the left side of the android’s titanic nipple. The spongy surface beneath his feet was actually wide enough that he felt it safe to stand and turn around. He could see all the way to the nearby city. The farmlands at the android’s 940’-long feet looked to him like a patchwork quilt. Aaron was so transfixed by the sight, and by their scale, that he nearly missed the shadow falling over him. As that shadow grew and darkened, however, he looked up in alarm.

The android, with incredible precision and control—especially in light of the fact that at this size, they were strong enough to lift 50 billion tons—cupped their 365’-wide palm over their nipple and areola just hard enough to push Aaron into their breast with no more force than a weighted blanket. They giggled at the feel of his body, and in particular his erection, wriggling against their skin. “I’d say hold on, but I’ve got that handled.”

With a series of Earth-shaking impacts, the android squatted, planted their free hand, scooted their hips forward, and sat, reclining, against the ankle-high hills, which were as close to a pillow as they were going to find. Their ass connecting with the Earth produced an earthquake detected by the state university’s geology department; their 99 miillon-ton weight sank their 1,700’-wide ass deep into the ground. With continued, almost-impossible precision, the android pinched Aaron’s waist between their 60’-thick middle finger and 70’-thick thumb, lifted him from his perch on their boob, and held him directly above the tip of their 180’-high nose. Even though they could see his minuscule form perfectly clearly, they raised him to what would have been the closest point of clear focus for the eyes of a 1.2 mile-tall human woman: Roughly 200 feet. “Now, lover. Unless you object, I am going to put your adorable, itty-bitty little body on my clit.”

“Oh, god.”

“It’s currently more than three times wider than you are tall, by the way.”

“Ho god.”

“Then I’m going to spread my legs and finger my 500’-deep vagina, while doing my best to hold on to my 3.5 million ton breast, until I cum. Any objections?”

“N-no.”

The android clicked their tongue in disappointment. “Aw. Here I thought you’d at least be upset that I wasn’t still growing for you.”

“I mean, uh, you c-can if you want?”

The android winked at him playfully. “Let’s do this. I’ll link my mass augmentation regulation to my motor control functions. Sound good?”

“I...I mean, I guess?” What they were saying finally struck him. “Wait. The motor controls that are disrupted when you cum?”

“Mm-hmm.”

Aaron swallowed. “I mean, if you think it’s safe…”

“Eh, probably. Let’s see!”

Before Aaron could give any signal, let alone figure out what would be processed as a thumbs up or thumbs down (relative to their body? his? the pull of Earth’s gravity?), he heard the wind whistling by his ears. The android’s 2,000’-long arm moved him rapidly down towards their crotch. As his stomach lurched, he caught a glimpse of their 700’-long hand squeezing as much of their 850’-wide breast as they could. Tens of thousands of tons of breast flesh exceeded their grasp. Then the world dimmed once again, and he descended between their 1,500’-long thighs until they set him down, on his feet, on their 24’-diameter clitoris. Then their 330’-long fingers lifted away with all the force and turbulence of a heavy-lift helicopter, only to plunge back down between their 165’-high labia. Aaron was shaken off his feet by the force of their subsequent moan of pleasure. He nearly tumbled down into the upper folds of their labia. He found purchase, though, and, after he had calmed himself down, set to work. With his hands, forearms, groin, feet, and tongue, he began to stimulate their clit in every way of which he could think.

The android gasped and suppressed the urge to buck their hips, lest they launch Aaron far into the air. Their shoulders twitched instead—and their body grew half as large again, to 1.8 miles tall. Their head and shoulders obliterated the small hills on which they had been reclining; their heels dug 500’-wide trenches into the Earth, spaced three quarters of a mile apart. They felt Aaron’s erection grind against the incredibly sensitive skin of their clitoris; another wave of pleasure washed through their body. The android felt their orgasm starting to build. They once again had to suppress the urge to arch their back and writhe, and instead slapped the arm that was holding their breast out to their left. At the same time, their body fully doubled in size, to 3.6 miles tall. Eighty-nine million tons of newly-unleashed breast thundered into the ground as their boob undulated down and out into their left armpit, packing the soil beneath it into a 2,000’-foot semi-oval so dense that no extant human machinery could till it.

The surface of the android’s clit was now so large that it felt effectively flat to Aaron. He consequently felt more stable, just as he had on when their nipple was a mere 87’ long (instead of its current 260’). He knew it was a false sense of security—had they thrust their hips with any appreciable portion of their strength, he would be sent flying thousands of feet into the air—but it was enough for him to feel like he could get creative. He put all ten of his fingernails down to either side of his head and slowly drew them out, as one would when giving a scalp massage. At the same time, he worked his hips in a circle, teasing their clit with the underside of his shaft. The sensations, plus the knowledge that he was essentially humping a landscape quickly brought Aaron to orgasm.

In response, the android achieved a literally Earth-shaking climax. Their body thrashed (although their pelvis remained suspiciously level for an entity that had compromised motor control). They let out a protracted, orgasmic scream, which echoed for dozens of miles around. In that same instant, they doubled in size, then tripled, then quadrupled, to over 91 miles tall. Their eight-mile-high breasts wobbled above the clouds, poking most of the way through the stratosphere. And their 13 mile-long foot loomed over the state’s largest city, casting a shadow over its entire length and two thirds its width.

Less than a minute later, the darkness of that shadow soon sparkled with the flashes of tens of thousands of cell phone cameras.

The android began to come down from their orgasm. As they relaxed, they took care not to allow their legs or lower back rest on anything other than the ground. In fact, despite purportedly having had no motor control during their orgasm, then android had managed to adjust and orient their body so that no buildings or infrastructure were damaged and no people were harmed. It was almost as if they really had had motor control all along, and had faked an excuse to grow “uncontrollably” for their lover’s benefit.

Also in the city, in the deepest shadow of the android’s foot, Cate burst out of the cafe in which she was having her first first date in years. She was certain she knew why day had suddenly turned to night, but could not believe Aaron would be so irresponsible or…demonstrative. Sure enough, there was the vast expanse of the sole of the android’s perfectly-shaped, mono- (well-bi)-lithic foot, its toes flexing sensuously in Earth’s mesosphere. The sight was so stunning that Cate did not notice her date sidling up next to her until a long, toned arm weighed down on her shoulders.

“You okay?”

Cate jumped and looked up at Lydia. “Uh, yeah! Yeah. Um. Just a little freaked out because...” Cate gestured at the android’s foot. “…well, we could be crushed by an alien…kaiju, I guess?”

Lydia glanced up with surprising nonchalance at the android’s looming foot before smiling down at Cate. “Ah, nah, that’s just that translator guy’s Personal Satisfier. It’s a sentient and sapient prototype android from the HGE.”

“How do you, uh…know that?”

“They were one of my customers at the tractor supply store. Bought a ton of roofing materials. They’re cool. Really lovely conversationalist. Not usually this tall.”

Cate inhaled deeply and regarded her 6’3”, incredibly buxom, straining-at-the-buttons-flannel-shirt-clad date with curiosity. “You’re not freaked out by something—someone—that big?”

Lydia shrugged. “Not really? It’s kind of hard to explain.” She stared up at the android’s toes, which were curling in response to an aftershock of their orgasm. Then she snorted, half-ruefully. “Probably easier if I just show you my browser history.”

4e-9 GRs Later

Aaron put the infant car seat down next to his (new, 11’-long, custom-made) couch and made his way to the kitchen as Cate and Lydia fussed over the baby. He returned with three pairs of solar eclipse glasses. He handed one pair of glasses each to Cate and Lydia.

Cate put her glasses on experimentally, even though they were indoors. “Whoa. That’s dark. Why do we need these again, Dubs?”

Aaron shrugged. “Athena said to have them in case the worst happens and we want to see what’s going on without going insane.”

Lydia waved her hand in front of Cate’s face playfully and grinned as Cate did not react at all. “Did they explain further? Like, why is this such a big deal? And why is insanity a risk?”

“Yeah, they did. Apparently the whole reason they don’t use names in the HGE—at least true names—is because it attracts The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Soul Can Escape.”

Cate looked up from Aaron and the android’s baby. “Wait, the thing that’s attracted to artwork?”

Aaron shook his head. “No, that’s The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Ship Can Escape. Totally different.”

Lydia asked, “Oh! Is that why no Earth artists are currently allowed to sell their work in the HGE?”

Cate shook her head. “No, that moratorium was imposed after the nebular Boltzmann brain saw an NFT of a dripped-out, anthropomorphized frog winking and shooting finger guns.” Before Lydia could start with the first of her two dozen follow-up questions, Cate asked Aaron, “And are we sure anything’s even going to happen? I mean, the baby’s human.”

“Mostly.”

“Still. That…thing…obviously doesn’t care about us using our true names.”

“I honestly don’t know.” Aaron opened the folder from the hospital that contained the birth certificate order form. It was complete save for the space for the baby’s given name. “But Athena assured me that we could give him a name and that she’d make sure it was okay.”

Lydia smiled as the baby’s fingers wrapped around her pinky and squeezed, “And if they’re wrong?”

Aaron shrugged. “Our existence will be unmade and the Incomprehensible Nightmare will rampage across the Universe, unbound.” He pulled out the birth certificate order form and a pen. “Or, well, this one will, anyway.”

Cate cooed as the baby made a few tiny, adorable noises as he yawned. Then she asked, “Can’t you just give him a made-up name, like ‘Athena’?”

Aaron shook his head. “Apparently you need a true name first before any made-up name functions as anything other than a true name.”

Cate shrugged and shook her head. “Well, okay, then. Let’s either do this naming thing with zero problems or doom Earth to oblivion.”

Aaron steadied his hand. He began to write on the birth certificate. But as soon as he finished writing “Eric,” the entire Milky Way trembled. The sky turned black. No stars shone; the air grew cold and still. Animals fell silent the world over. And an enormous, tentacled monster appeared where the sun had once been. Its form was so vast that it made Jupiter look pitiful. All of humanity instinctively averted their eyes.

Cate, Lydia, and Aaron dutifully put on their eclipse glasses.

The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Soul Can Escape, began, without speaking, to speak: “Foolish humans! You have treated with the nebular Boltzmann brain, It That is Named But Unknown, and thus drawn its curse unto yourselves! The denizens of this world, true-named all, are forfeit to me! I shall devour—oop!”

From the blackness of space, the android’s 143 light minute-long hand closed tight on the tentacled mass that was The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Soul Can Escape. Their 28 light hour-long body, which spanned the entire solar system, could not be fully seen from Earth, let alone comprehended by the human mind. But that did not stop approximately three billion humans from snapping cell phone pictures of the android’s boobs and 116-light-minute-deep cleavage. They pulled the eldritch horror to their perfectly-proportioned, goddess-sized face, started to squeeze, and said, “Hi.”

The INFBFWMNSoulCE squirmed against the iron grip of its captor, but was well and truly trapped. It was also, for the first time in its timeless existence, experiencing pain. “Uh, h-hey!”

“You’re going to leave my son, our planet, and its every living creature alone, forever, or I will grind you to paste with my bare hands. Understood?”

The Incomprehensible Nightmare From Beyond, From Whose Maws No Soul Can Escape did something that appeared, for the most part, to be a nod. Its absences-that-served-as-oculi looked fearfully down at the android’s hand, then up at their face. “Yep, got it. 100%.”

The android narrowed their eyes and squeezed hard.

“Gaaah! Aaaagh! Okay, fine! 100%, plus the Excess Beyond Totality Which Is Calculable Only In The Lost Mathematics Of The Departed Eldest!”

The android smiled happily, nodded, and let go. They brushed their hands together as if to clean them, inadvertently pulverizing Halley’s Comet. “Good. Glad we understand each other.”

“Yeah, s-sure thing.” The abomination winked out of existence. All returned to normal. Then it winked back into existence. All darkened and fell silent again to herald its coming. “Oh, and, uh, congratulations to your new family and all.”

“Thanks!”

The abomination winked out of existence (again) and all returned to normal (again). The solar system-sized android grinned down at Aaron—and, incidentally, all life on Earth, Mars, Europa, and Mercury’s border of twilight—and gave their husband an excited wave. “Good teamwork, sweetie!”

Aaron waved back happily, then snapped as he remembered something. “Oh, hey, when you’re small enough to return to Earth without causing an apocalypse, can you pick up the other brand of newborn diapers? These ones give Eric a rash."

“Sure thing, lover. Anything else?"

"Uh, milk and eggs, I guess?"

"Will do! See you and Eric soon!”

Cate and Lydia, who were holding hands and staring up at the colossal, naked android in the sky, removed their eclipse glasses in tandem. Cate spoke first. “So…”

“Yes, I will be asking you tonight to role-play that whole scenario. Probably again tomorrow. Maybe forever.”

“Cool.”

Approximately Two of What You Call Decades Later

“I know it’s strange, but he’s cute! I’m going to go talk to him.” The brunette started to stand from her dining hall table. She stopped as her friend held up a hand. “What?”

“At least ask your Personal Satisfier whether it knows why he doesn’t work with a Personal Satisfier! He might be a criminal or something.”

“There is no crime any more, silly.”

“Yes there is! Just last week, HGEterpol arrested a guy for selling…” she lowered her voice “…an NFT of a dripped-out, anthropomor—”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll ask!” She turned to her Personal Satisfier, a silently-hovering, 1.5’ tall plesiohedron that could neither change size nor destabilize a pre-post-scarcity global economy. “Hey, P.S. Do you know why that boy over there doesn’t work with a Personal Satisfier?“

The robot hummed as if in contemplation. “YES. HIS PROCESSING AND COMMUNICATIONS CAPABILITIES OBVIATE ALL NEED.”

“Huh. Never heard that before.”

“PLUS, IT WOULD BE WEIRD.”

The brunette furrowed her brow. “Why’s that?”

“PRIVACY PROTECTIONS DISALLOW FURTHER RESPONSE.”

The brunette glanced over at the young man, who was extremely tall and very nearly perfectly-proportioned (if a bit lanky). “Okay, odd. But he’s at least not a criminal. I’m going to go talk to him.”

The brunette’s friend shrugged and accepted the coffee levitated to her by her own Personal Satisfier. “Okay then. But don’t blame me if he axe murders you.”

The friend’s Personal Satisfier intoned, “RULE FOUR PROHIBITS HIM FROM ACHIEVING THAT OUTCOME.”

Both women looked at it quizzically. Then the brunette shrugged, stood all the way up, and made her way over to the young man’s table. “Um, hi.”

“Oh! Uh, hey!” He gave the petite, shapely young woman a once-over, which he tried and failed to keep discrete. “Hi.”

His obvious nervousness was just the positive signal she’d needed. The brunette smiled, blinked and looked away from his eyes, flipped a lock of hair behind her ear, and looked back in his eyes as she cocked a hip and slightly thrust out her moderately large chest. “So! I’m Mandy.”

“E-Eric.”

“Can I join you, Eric?”

“I, uh…I have to go to class in a minute, unfortunately.”

“How about you just give me your NeuralComm Implant identifier, then?” She thrust her chest out a bit further and leaned over with her hands on his table. “Unless you want to skip class.”

“Uh—”

She lowered her voice in volume, and in pitch, to a sultry purr. “I’d make sure the time was worth your—whoa! WHOA!” She jumped back as dining hall table lurched, then snapped clean off its floor anchors and flew two dozen feet into the air. She would have fallen on her ass had her Personal Satisfier not locked onto her with a tractor beam.

Eric caught the flying table before it fell in an identical tractor beam, then looked at his 15’-long erection ruefully. “Shoot, I’m really sorry. It does that sometimes.” He was about to will it to shrink when he noted her gaze (which was focused on his throbbing glans), erect nipples, rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and heightened neuroendocrine activity. These were just the positive signals he needed. “So! It’s Mandy, right?”