Author’s Note: Dissecting Callum | The Men In My Barracks 🪖 (Patreon)

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Author's Note: Dissecting Callum – Why He Craves Both Men

Hii everyone :)

First of all, thank you. Seriously. The response to this series has been insane in the best way. Every comment, every message, every time you guys tell me you are staying up too late reading because you cannot put it down — it means more than you know. I’ve been writing these stories for a while now, but this one feels different. The way you have connected with Callum, Ryder, and even Ashford has made me think harder about these characters than I usually do. So I wanted to take a moment and talk to you properly about something that has been on my mind a lot while writing these last few episodes.

I have seen quite a few of you asking the same question in different ways. Why does Callum keep going back to Ashford when he already has something so good with Ryder? Why would he risk everything for someone who is colder, more dangerous, and clearly in a position of power over him? Some of you have even said you feel frustrated with him, or that you want to shake him and tell him to just be happy with what he has. I get it. I really do. And I wanted to explain why I’ve been writing his character this way, because it’s not an accident. It’s something I’ve been very deliberate about from the beginning.

The Two Hungers Inside Callum

Callum is not just a guy who is confused about his sexuality. He’s a guy who has two very different hungers living inside him at the same time, and right now he does not know how to feed only one of them without starving the other.

With Ryder, Callum gets something he has probably never had before. Ryder is warm. He is playful. He calls him his camp wife and makes stupid jokes even when they are in the middle of something intense. There is safety there. There is affection. There’s this feeling that someone is choosing him because they actually like who he is, not because they want to fix him or prove something. After everything that happened with his ex-fiance and his father constantly telling him he was not man enough, that kind of easy, teasing warmth is addictive. Ryder makes Callum feel seen in a soft way. He makes him feel wanted without having to earn it through performance or submission. That is powerful for someone like Callum.

But then there is Ashford.

Ashford fulfills a much darker, more primal need inside Callum. The need for submission. The need to feel power being exerted over him. The need to be dominated by someone who does not ask for permission to take control. Ashford represents everything Callum has been taught to respect and fear at the same time. Authority. Masculinity. Control. When Callum is near him, something shifts in his body that doesn’t happen with Ryder. It’s not just attraction. It’s something deeper and more instinctive. Being around Ashford makes Callum’s body react in a way it never does with anyone else. His breathing changes. His posture changes. Even his hole reacts differently. There is a visceral, almost involuntary pull that Callum himself does not fully understand yet. In the last episode (Episode 19), when Ashford had him bent over that desk, Callum was not just physically overwhelmed. He was psychologically overwhelmed. The guilt, the danger, the authority, and the raw dominance all mixed together into something that felt bigger than just sex.

This is why he keeps going back even when he knows he shouldn’t.

It’s not that Ryder is not enough. Ryder is more than enough in so many ways. But Ryder can only satisfy one side of Callum. The side that wants to be held and teased and called beautiful. The side that wants partnership and laughter and someone who sees him as an equal. Ashford satisfies the other side. The side that wants to be taken apart. The side that wants to feel small and claimed and completely out of control. Callum is discovering that he has both of these appetites, and right now they are both loud. He’s not choosing one over the other yet because he genuinely wants both. He wants ‘the safety’ and ‘the danger’. He wants ‘the boyfriend’ and ‘the authority figure’. He wants to be loved and he wants to be owned. And he hasn’t figured out yet if those two things can exist in the same person or if he’s always going to need both.

Daddy Issues and the Pull of Powerful Men

This is also where Callum’s daddy issues come into play, and I’ve been writing this very intentionally from the start.

From the very beginning of the story, Callum enlisted partly to prove something to his father. That voice in his head — “Grow some balls, Callum” — has been following him for years. He has always carried a very small percentage of femininity that made both his father and his ex-fiancée question him. And I want to be clear about this. There is nothing wrong with that part of him. It’s just who he is. Some men are softer around the edges. Some men carry a quiet gentleness or a certain way of moving or speaking that does not fit the loud, aggressive version of masculinity a lot of us were raised to believe is the only acceptable one. Callum has that in him. And because of it, he has spent most of his life feeling like he wasn’t quite enough in the eyes of the men he looked up to.

So when someone like Sergeant Dominic Ashford enters the picture, everything changes.

Ashford is the epitome of powerful, masculine, authoritative manhood. He is older. He is physically imposing. He is calm and controlled in a way that makes people straighten their spines when he walks into a room. He doesn’t need to raise his voice to command attention. He simply exists in that space of quiet dominance, and Callum’s body responds to it on a level he cannot fully explain. It’s not about humiliation. Ashford is not there to degrade him or make him feel small in a cruel way. He is showing genuine interest in Callum. He sees something in him that he wants. And that combination — this incredibly masculine, authoritative man wanting him — triggers something deep inside Callum that he has probably been suppressing for years.

A lot of guys reading this will probably relate to that feeling, even if they have never said it out loud. There is something incredibly powerful about being desired by a man who represents everything you were taught to respect and aspire to. It’s not about wanting to be humiliated. It’s about finally feeling seen and wanted by the exact kind of man who used to make you feel like you were not enough. That’s what Ashford represents for Callum. And that’s why submitting to him feels so different from anything he experiences with Ryder.

Ryder cannot give him this feeling. Ryder is his peer. His friend. His camp husband. He is safe and warm and affectionate. He meets Callum where he is. But he does not carry that same weight of authority. He doesn't represent the kind of powerful masculinity that has always made Callum’s stomach twist with both fear and longing. Ryder makes Callum feel loved. Ashford makes Callum feel claimed. And right now, Callum needs both of those things.

The Internal Conflict and Why It Feels So Real

I know some of you might be thinking that this makes Callum selfish or weak or that he’s just stringing Ryder along. But I don’t see it that way. I see a young man who is still figuring out who he is and what he actually needs. He keeps telling himself that he is doing this to protect Ryder, that he’s taking Ashford’s attention so Ryder stays safe. And on some level that is true. But deep down he knows he is lying to himself. He wanted what happened in that office. He wanted Ashford to bend him over that desk and fuck him ‘like a man does’. He wanted to feel claimed by someone who could actually destroy everything if he wanted to. That intensity is addictive. The risk makes it hotter. And the guilt that follows makes him feel even more alive.

This is also why the sex with Ashford feels so different from the sex with Ryder. With Ryder it’s romantic and playful and a little clumsy in the best way. With Ashford it’s controlled, rough, and psychologically heavy. Callum is not just getting fucked in those scenes. He is being dismantled. And even though he feels guilty afterward, even though he walks back to the barracks sore and leaking and lying to Ryder about where he was, part of him already knows he would do it again if Ashford called for him.

I wanted to write this triangle because I think it reflects something real about how desire works for a lot of people. Sometimes we meet someone who gives us exactly what we didn’t know we needed. And sometimes we meet two people who each give us something completely different, and we don’t know how to choose between them because choosing would mean cutting off a part of ourselves. Callum is not just picking between two men. He is picking between two versions of himself. The version that wants to be someone’s husband, and the version that wants to kneel for someone who could ruin him.

I am not going to spoil where this is going, but I will say this. Callum is not going to be able to keep balancing both of them forever. Something is going to break. And when it does, it’s going to hurt. But I also think it is going to be necessary for him to finally understand what he actually wants and who he actually is.

Thank you again for reading this far and for caring about these characters as much as you do. I know some of you are frustrated with Callum right now, and that’s okay. I want you to be. I want you to feel the same conflict he is feeling. That is the whole point. He’s not supposed to be making perfect decisions. He is supposed to be messy and selfish and scared and turned on and guilty all at the same time. Just like real people are when they are figuring out something this big about themselves.

If you have thoughts on this, or if there is something specific about Callum or the triangle that you want me to talk about more, drop it in the comments. I read every single one. And as always, thank you for being here with me while I tell this story. It means everything.

Love,Troy────────────────Episode 20 | The Men In My Barracks 🪖