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Ramble: What do you really want in a relationship? [11:36] (Patreon)

Published:
2022-08-14 23:53:32
Edited:
2022-08-14 23:56:28
Imported:
2026-06
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I recorded this ramble after performing a spicy girlfriend audio last night. It made me ponder about relationships and marriage.

The graph below is the one I was trying to reference in my ramble about arranged marriages. Unfortunately, I do not have access to the very old paper, so I don't have proper context to fully discuss the study and its participants.

I just think it's interesting when people talk about a relationship's honey moon phase. Do you want something that burns bright with a short life? Or a slow burn like ember? 

Caveat, when talking about arranged marriages... I am not referencing forced marriages or ones with child brides. Those are nopes. Big nopes.

Gupta, U., & Singh, P. (1982). An exploratory study of love and liking and type of marriage. Indian Journal of Applied Psychology.

🔸 Oh for funsies, my beta listener recommends this song for you all to listen to, especially if you're searching for your perfect someone.

🎧 Listen to song >> Bo Burnham - Lower Your Expectations 

"If you want love, lower your expectations a few because Prince Charming would never settle for you" Heh.

So tell me, what are 3 traits you want in a partner? And what do you have to offer?

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Comments

Varryance Preez

Honesty Creativity And honestly it'd be nice if they were smol and cute <3

Florian

I dont think there are certain trait combinations i need. I like some traits and if a woman has enough of them I may fall in love. Smart, driven, caring, shameless, sceptic, humorous, beatiful hair, characterstrong(wont bend her beliefs to take the easy way), enjoys presence of another without needing to have conversation,honst, creative, loves cuddles.

Khalid Patterson

um im fucked up off tequilla so i cant give you a good comment lol whatever this is im sure its meaningful in some way lol

Damselbinder

Being real, what I want out of a relationship would not make for a good relationship. People need to be willing to sacrifice for each other, to know when to assert themselves and when to give ground, to be caring but not too clingy, to be responsive to the other person's needs. I know I'm not in a position to give those things.

Nathesium

1. Honesty 2. Decisiveness 3. Doesn't feel the need to change me (if that can be considered a trait) As for what I bring, I think that would change depending on who I'm with. Like, I'm a decent cook but if I'm with someone who's even more proficient at cooking, then my skillset wouldn't really be valuable lol

Teddy

Teddy has 3 big traits that are important to him. 1. Her mind. As you know, teddy is a rocket scientist. It is important to me that any longer term relationship I'm in is with someone who can engage me on an intellectual level. 2. Her heart. It is important that she is as devoted to Teddy as he is to her. Very important! She loves Teddy too! But, importantly, a perfect relationship is stable. It endures. It perseveres. Love is not a supernova event. Solar flares are like relationships built on lust instead of love. You get burned. 3. Her soul. Teddy is a firm believer in relationships as partnerships. We cover for eachother's weaknesses. We support eachother. We push eachother to always be our best us. And together we are each even better than that. It's us against the world. And the world better watchout! We've got it outnumbered! Teddy brings these three things to the table too! Complimentary combinations and sympathetic harmonic resonances building to crescendo. Together. Teddy may be a 'top' but he wants someone to chooses to follow. Someone who hands me the leash and says "I need a b an c." And trusts me to make it happen. As well as d and e. Cause he needed 'c d and e' (overlap on c!) Teddy has no desire to drag someone to x y and z because it's his things with no regard to her. In return, when teddy stumbles she'll be there to help get him back on track. (Sorry for the expansive post. Teddy's thought a lot about this. :teehee:)

Scurley

I'm not too sure if I trust myself to let out my true attitude bc I grew up in a bad home. Rarely I know what to do to be romantic but, I want to give a effort of lovingness, safety, and comfort. Giving these actions is something I wish I had but I can give the best interest to share. I can't imagine a perfect marriage but I'll be more better than relatives mistakes.

DrunkUkrainian

I honestly don't know what I bring to the table, probably in huge part to my depression. People complement me sometimes and I just think "Do they have the right person?" It's made me too shy to approach people when I do go out, which is very rarely, and I've had so little experience with relationships as a whole that I don't even know what traits I desire.

Lhykosidae

Here's a few things I could think of... -Nerdy (like me): so we can play games and watch anime together. For some common interests. -Independent: has her own friend group and can take care of herself. Not overly reliant on others, but not saying I won't support someone. -Affable (probably a better word out there): pleasant, friendly, relaxed, and casual. Easy to talk to I guess and not overly picky about things. I think I'm a good cook, I just need a recipe to follow xD I'm pretty affectionate and like to help others. And I've got a stable living situation with a good job.

William A. Riley

Traits I would like from a parter: 1. Trust - I'm in the Military and due to the nature of deployments leading me to being away for months at a time, I need to trust that they would remain faithful in my absence. 2. Ambition - Personally I don't see any appeal in living without some sort of goal in life. whether it be wanting to be self employed, wanting to progress in a specific career, or trying to get some sort of dream job. I don't even ask that they be successful in their ambitions, so long as they have some sort of ambition that drives them. Otherwise at that point you're just existing for the sake of existing. 3. Willingness to Compromise - an understanding that we won't have the same ideals, beliefs or interests and either having an acceptance of those differences or having an open mind and be willing to adapt your interests and ideals, as well as expecting the same from myself. What I have to offer: 1. I enjoy cooking, although when it comes to improvising a recipe I'm probably not the best. 2. I'm usually pretty introverted and reclusive, so as long as work doesn't demand it, I'm home and available to provide company the majority of the time. 3. I'd like to think I'm a pretty kind and empathetic person. ---‐----------- Personally, I've never really been interested in looks for the most part. Obviously I have preferences, but I've always felt that the supermodel-esk people are very materialistically driven and I'd doubt that they'd stay long term if the money ever ran dry for whatever reason. Especially since I do enjoy giving the occasional gift, I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of obviously.

silent_glass

3 desireable traits? Trustworthiness, affection, someone that can grant me inner peace. What do *I* have to offer? None of that, I feel, sadly, which makes me feel selfish to ask for it--the fact that I cannot offer any of those in return right now. I'm sure I do have something to offer, just one of those "I know it when I see it" things, you know? Trust is a two-way street. For it to be one-way is dependency and a power imbalance. "Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to" [Julianne Moore]. In a fair relationship, I should be able to dedicate time to my partner. I suppose sacrifices must be made to make a relationship work, but how could that negatively affect the things I'm responsible for right now? Are those the struggles I should be able to share with my partner? But then, wouldn't that just be offloading work to them/taking advantage of someone? Surely there must be something I can do in return. Maybe they're better at doing some of my things, I might be better at doing some of their things. In search of enlightenment and achieving inner peace, if that means going out and meeting new people, that means having to don the mask. When a passerby asks "How are you?" The answer is always "I'm fine, how are you?" It's one of the things humans do to gauge whether an unknown person is a threat. In dating, one might downplay their weaknesses and embellish their strengths; akin to a game, some might see it. But to what degree should I lie and deceive? There is a time and place for some small fibs, but when the foundation of a relationship is built upon you being someone else entirely, consider the partner's feelings: they will feel absolutely betrayed, naturally. I don't blame them, learning they fell in love with someone who does not exist. Not to mention, _that is an awfully long time to put on an acting performance._ I recognise these are personal problems, but I do have more pressing matters to attend to on _Maslow's hierarchy of needs_. As I find myself often saying, I cannot be taking care of someone, when I'm still trying to take care of myself. But then again, in this specific situation, maybe we're supposed to find someone wherein we can take care of _each other_? Right, as you said, "[we]'re not gonna be forever alone, not if [we] do something about it." I'm sure I can easily find someone, but I don't think a change in relationship status is the answer to my current problems. To look attractive and look like everything's well put together, that involves hiding a lot of issues, and I would not want to trouble anyone with any of that later down the road. So what do I have to offer...? Whoever I end up with in the future (if applicable), I hope I can properly convey how much they would mean to me--just being there--for me, for each other. Now, as for thoughts on marriage (from someone who has never been married)... In some cases, does a couple really love each other, or are they more in love with the _idea_ of love? Once they've unlocked that achievement of the old "ball and chain" and can check "Married filing jointly" on their IRS tax form 1040 (oh how romantic), "now darling, where do we go from here?" [Mili - sustain++; (song)] In our busy day-to-day, we defer answering that question until the relationship has atrophied into something more like just two roommates, simply going home to rest up for the next day. Ideally, when I leave for work and come back, "you just want someone there to be with you at the end of the day," not just the stagnant apartment air with the droning of a straining air conditioning unit and the muffled movements of my neighbours beyond the walls of this box. As for variety as the spice of life, granted, every day *does not* have to be fantastical. Even content creators (despite popular opinion, unfortunately) cannot be reasonably expected to achieve constant, everyday churning of creative output: it leads to burnout (which I guess fits into the "something that burns bright with a short life," as you described). It's great to have goals [3], but there's nothing wrong with slowing down to smell the roses (figuratively speaking, or literally, if a brief journey through a botanical garden tickles your fancy). For some, maybe they see the target of their affection as someone they can "fix". However: (1) Success rate on those cases doesn't look very good judging from anecdotes from pseudonymous strangers on the Internet. (2) The fixer can get too attached and open themselves up to domestic abuse. A relationship partner is not a pet. It's not a routine feed, go for walks, sleep. They have desires of their own, needs, autonomy as well. In an ideal relationship, two partners need to be able to depend on one another. Trust and confide in one another. "Throughout this life, in every situation, in wealth or poverty, in health or sickness, in happiness or difficulty, [to] promise to work to help each other perfectly" [2]. Seeing that line plot of Rubin's love scale scores across time married reminds me, Americans seem to have a 50% divorce/separation rate [1]. Are declarations of love cheap, or are Americans just more willing to admit when something's just not working out? People _can and do_ change over time. In some cases, no matter how much work goes into the relationship, it's possible it just wasn't meant to be. At the very least, they could separate on good terms (and hopefully they do not have an young-still-impressionable child, which can greatly complicate the decision to separate). Meanwhile in the east, perhaps the much lower divorce rate could be attributed to social pressure to stay together and appear satisfied with the marriage, legal obstacles to officially dissolving a marriage, or in the case of the Philippines, there is apparently no procedure to divorce (unless otherwise permitted under some exemptions). Anyway hey, "we all suck, but love can make us suck less~" [Bo Burnham]. Didn't think I'd be writing an essay on the interpersonal relationship theory. (...How _does_ an arranged marriage work? How effective are those? The fact that you're learning about this from a television programme, wouldn't there be a survivorship bias? I don't imagine a TV show that isn't very good at its premise to have very good ratings and last long on the channel lineup. Are online dating services (which I've never tried) a form of arranged relationship by an algorithm? How successful are _those_?) __long references/notes__ (not sure how Patreon feels about me posting links, so no URLs): [1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. National Center for Health Statistics > FastStats > Family Life > Marriage and Divorce [2] The Knot(R) Wedding Planning Website: Tools, Inspiration & More. Ideas & Advice > Ceremony & Reception > Wedding Traditions. "Traditional Wedding Boys From Religions and Cultures Across to Globe". theknit-dot-com. (Quote citing an example Buddhist wedding vow) [3] Though the idea of a relationship being composed of checkboxes just seems so.. bleak. There might be general templates, but "what is a relationship" is probably a definition that is probably best left defined to each individual couple to determine.

Hedron Master

If I had to pick just 3, it would definitely be: 1) Common interests: I absolutely could never be in a relationship with someone that I had no interests in common with. It's hard enough for me just trying to hold a conversation with normal people. 2) Autonomy: I'm pretty introverted. Sometimes I go for days without speaking to or messaging another human being (outside of work), and it would never last with someone who wanted constant communication. This is mostly why I'm single, I figure. 3) Not "lazy", but I guess "chill" or "relaxed" is what I'd call it. I'm not a super-ambitious person. I don't aspire to be rich or own mansions, and it'd never work out with someone aiming for the stars.

SenpaiofNone

They have to be: Kind Funny Smart Trustworthy I will offer Honesty Compassion Humor Dedication They should have a: Great Smile Pretty Eyes I am: 6' Bearded Smart Also I'm a decent cook, am mechanically inclined and handy. I found my someone, she's not the ONLY one but she is my person. I'm lucky. I know if you look hard enough and open yourself up, you will find one too. You have to be ready. I know Skitty will find someone who loves exactly who she is, good, bad and beautiful. ~hugs~

TheChelaxian

I want to comment, but as an aro/ace with a decade of hot takes on the topic I don't know how welcome my two cents would be. It is always nice to hear from ya, Skitts, hope you're doing well.

Giraffes

This feels like too many cans of worms for me, but I’ll try. My problem is that I wouldn’t want anything of it probably and I’ve not witnessed much/any first hand while growing up. I’m a little particular for trust and actual friendships and it takes years for me to feel those. Generally ‘good people’ that have some self understanding emotionally and relatable interests or excitements seem ok. I couldn’t possibly mind really unstable people or anyone with difficult episodes if they feel like good and introspective people. And I’d probably be good at taking care or similar. *I absolutely do not want to ever feel me fawning or feeling hurt with that feeling again, my entire body feels wrong when fawning or similar I hate it so intensely much. I don’t want to feel that ever. Communication would be nice for me once trust is kind of mutual. Intimacy and such in general can often feel like horror more than the opposite for me, but I will want to feel vulnerable or safe and maybe curious after enough therapy. Companionship, presence and support, and a partner sound like the best things, and I’d probably be pan/grey/ace about it for now. I feel like every issue I mentioned prior would maybe be way less of an issue if they were maybe understanding of the intense and inconsistent aversions a little. Maybe they’d be non issues even. This is so overwhelming and vulnerable because I don’t know, and it’s really feeling complicated for where I’m at. I need to work on one set of traumatic things for bonds, even friendships, and on trust in general. Not sure what to work on first. Maybe I don’t value these things the same ways, but sorry if it’s disappointing or too off. I try to work on these things a lot

Mudkip

Aye, this da bunbun-love-session? I see! What I am gonna say is not to sound sad captain, cuz I genuinely don’t think it is. And I don’t want sympathy for this from bunbuns or da captain, aye? Lol And it is way too long…Don’t read unless u really have nothing else to do cuz I feel like talkin bout this lately and if it’s cool, Mudkip about to share some stuff. Please don’t share with others and if you do…aye whatever lol: 

Hazamatoxin

This is a rough one as someone 26 and has never been in a relationship. It's kind of hard to know . While everyone always has a general idea like obviously I'd like to be with some who's -kind -caring -Smart and has their own shit going -Generally stable -not an asshole WHile I feel like I am/can bring to the table: -I'd like to think I'm kind and caring -Generally stable and financially secure - a fun person to be with, with my own goals and ambitions -also not an asshole However at the end of the day I guess I'm kinda just making an educated guess as to what I want in one and what I think I can bring, as I've never been in one, and besides the basic stuff here I honestly couldn't tell you what I wanted outisde of the very basic perspective I have now. Hahaha I guess this is what happens when you are 26 but sound like a 15 year old talking about relationships and stuff because the reality is I don't really know. It's one thing to kinda have some idea based on the perpective you have, and then the reality of what happens when you are in an actual one.

Mudkip

aye captain no idea what is wrong with ma app, but had to repost da long-axx comment again. I feel better getting this off ma chest somehow too to be honest lol So if you got like too many of ma messages at once under my replies cuz i cannot see how many lol)...ma bad. mudkip sorry and out.

ReluctantlySane

Yeah couch ramble, let's gooo! Hmm, I don't think I've ever really put a whole lot of thought into what I would really be looking for in a partner to be honest. I've always been kinda self-sufficient, you know? Like, happy to enjoy my own time, work out any issues whether mentally or emotionally by myself, (shower time is think out loud and reflect time). That's not to say it's worked out for me 100%, or that I've never felt alone, just...I'unno. Ok, 3 traits not necessarily in order of importance. 1)Intelligent/Wise (kinda fitting two in there but) Someone who I can sit with and have a genuine in depth conversation, learn new things from as I teach them and bounce ideas off of. I'm not talking about PHD. noble prize winning level here, because lord knows I'mma dumbass, which leads into the second trait. 2)Sense of humor Would like someone who had a similar sense of humor and wasn't afraid to laugh at themselves. Laughter is best shared and as a certain short, angry, ginger man once said, "You should never trust anybody that never makes jokes at their own expense, self-deprecation is an important part of humility and humility is a vital part of living a wholesome and moral life style". 3)Relatively easy going. I've dealt with a few people who just can't sit still for 5 seconds and enjoy the moment. You want to start getting under my skin relatively quickly, (which is a feat in of itself)? Start filling up all our days with things to do and no down time. As to what I have to offer,err, lessee.. 1)Understanding I try not to blow my own horn much, (because I can't reach, heyooh), but I think I'm a pretty understanding type for person, almost to a fault sometimes. I've read news articles about people doing some bad things and while I vehemently disagree with what they did, I've been able to understand why they did it. 2)Patience As I mentioned above, it takes quite a bit before I start getting a little pissy. Friends have often commented on how I need to assert myself more, which I usually respond with, "eh probably". 3)Good hugs I've been told that I give them. No idea how the trait formed or if certain people are just having a laugh. Looking at all the comments here I'm kinda jealous, some people have put a lot of thought into this matter while I..I...huh, look at that, guess I've thought about this more then what I, well, thought. Thanks Skitty, you've given me a lot to ponder this night, hope you had a good sleep. :)

Killer_avocados

My answer is mostly similar to others here: someone who's reliable, trustworthy, loving, and generally well put together. A "good" person overall but not necessarily a "nice" person if you know what I mean. Obviously being attractive is a bonus. I've been doing some introspection regarding relationships over the pandemic and as much as I would like to be in one, I'm fine not being in one too. Being involved with someone is a lot of work and I'd rather be their friend first before committing to something more serious. At least that way I'd be more invested in the person beyond sex. I've reached a point in my life where I'm "content". I have a stable job, I'm healthy, have my own place, cook & clean, got some good friends and I'm not half bad looking imo lol. I'd like to think I'm also pretty mentally stable as well, no issues or baggage I can think of atm either. Just cruising through this state of limbo pretty much but it's ok 👍 Looking forward to hearing from you again. Take care Skitty!

Vasilis

i donno , i dont expect anything (｀・ω・´)b

Fwyrl

Doing some introspection here; I think the most major make or break for me in a relationship is expressions of love, fondness, or caring in ways to make sense to me. After that, the second one is honesty and trust. Being honest about everything. This doesn't mean being harsh, but lying about things just sucks for everyone involved. After those two, I'd guess the third most important factor is that they are a decent person. Not harassing people, not always starting dumb fights, etc. As for my place in a relationship, well. I have some cleanup to do around the house, metaphorically speaking. I'm not in a place to take on the responsibilities of a relationship right now - my mental health is not where I'd want it to be, and there's a lot of the rest of my life in flux at the moment. Ignoring that though; I'd like to think I'm a nice person. I'm responsible, have a decent work ethic, and am very affectionate to people I'm close with. I'm honest (sometimes a bit too much), and I don't actively ask for much from a relationship compared to what I see others asking in my life.

Nathan

When words like "aura" and "glowing" get thrown around (this is going to sound cheesy) I almost roll my eyes at this point, but it always makes me blush because I hear it everywhere I go. The light comes from thoughts of those who've provided comfort in dire times. Like being sorta giant, just shy of six foot five, but then learning that I've been walking on 9 toes for two thirds of my life. Every little thing I do causes or is a response to pain that's happened so severely that I have either stopped responding to pain, or learned to laugh as I'm trapped in it on my worst days and nights. But I have never turned my mind from growing, creating, and appreciating everything the world has to offer around us. Sharing that and doing my best to just function daily would exhaust anyone, but I do my best everywhere I go and it raises the brightness just a little bit with everything I do. Love to me is being able to let down your guard, while feeling safe and warm, becoming ever better as we explore and understand the world around us, and what we all have to offer. I sing my feelings to all the ones that remind me of the last person who made me feel this way, and it's been a beautiful way to share my thoughts and shine a light into my mind. Inspiration strikes for strong feelings and we enjoy the time we share.

Nathan

I will add that I'm a very snug person overall. I love to read, sometimes aloud (voice cut for radio, they say). Also cook and bake when I can stand to, so my place often smells of homemade banana bread, apple pie, homemade tacos, etc. Lots of little good recipes you pick up from sharing with friends (which is always a good thing to have). Go to places where life makes sense and the rest, surreal as it can be at times, sometimes falls into place. Either way, let's hope hugs are in the future :)

sade

Hey Skitty. :) Wow, this comment section is insanely long. I fear if I leave one more comment Patreon will crash and burn. I once saw some small documentary about parents arranging marriages for their children in China. They met up with other parents and they tried to match their children with a good partner. They carried these posters that they showed each other. There was the face of their child, and points about their qualities and personality listed out. There wasn't any romanticism. The parents were so practical and calculating about matching people, that it felt wrong to me back then. They were like trading cards. "What can I get for this one? Hmm... that one's worse than mine, no thank you!" I wouldn't want that for myself. But... maybe if some dear friend knew some sweet person, and thought I should get introduced, I could give it a try... ':) What a sweet ramble. You were great at talking gently about this big subject. <3 And take care Skitty. I feel really bad about you having health problems :((