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Ramble || How do I find a romantic partner/friend? [Introspective] [Quizzes] [8min] (Patreon)

Published:
2023-06-30 16:57:42
Imported:
2026-06

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I got a listener mail asking, how do I meet someone new for a romantic relationship?

Well... that's a complicated question to answer. Soooo many factors goes into starting a new relationship. But maybe we can start off with the basics...

You need to be a good friend before you can be a good partner.

Quizzes

I found these quizzes for introspection. They're fun to do, but remember they can only skim the surface of who you really are. The second one is brutally honest... uh, so be mindful of that. Also, I think they mostly want to advertise therapy. Still, it's good food for thought. :)

🔍 Do you know how to make friends? - psychologies.co.uk

"Meaningful friendships have the power to transform our lives. But making and sustaining our friendships is not always easy. How good you are at forging new social connections and what might be getting in your way?"

🔍 “Why do I Have No Friends?” - socialself.com

"There are so many different reasons that you might not have friends, but the good news is that there is always something you can work on to help find the friends you want. This quiz can help you to diagnose why you don’t have the friendship circle that you would like."

As for how to find a potential partners?...

My very simple answer is in my ramble. But tell me, where have you met your friends and lovers?

》Too shy to comment or critique? I'll close my eyes... Feedback for Skitty

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Comments

The Rotunda

Most of the friends that I have I met via a mutual acquaintance of some kind. Of the friends I met directly, I have a few friends from childhood / high school and a couple from my retail job. But as I've gotten older I've had to adjust to being more okay with online friendships. Especially after the pandemic. Most of those friends were made by interacting while we hang out in streams. As for relationships... That one has been harder to navigate. I want that connection again, but meeting new people has been a struggle. Dating apps have done nothing but stab my self-esteem in the kidneys. The few matches I get either ghost /unmatch with me as soon as I try to start a conversation, or (more often) try to scam me into paying upfront for sex/camshows/whatnot. So I don't have much stock in those. That being said, the convention season has at least proven to me that the extroverted part of my personality is still alive. I had some awesome conversations with complete strangers that I would love to turn into friendships some day. So much of it is a "right place right time" kind of thing, but what's important to remember is that you have to make the effort to be in that place first and foremost. Talk to you again soon Skits o/

Teddy

So, I got some pretty good advice spot on advice from the first quiz about how I make friends. 'I love my tribe'. I really don't really follow the sort of standard hierarchy of friends, close friends, bffs. I make friends easy and transition between groups easy and friends are a very important segment of my life. Which, of course (as you know and I'll always adore you for your support through, even though it was rough at spots <3) meant that the past few years of isolation have been particularly rough on me. The quiz suggested I keep in mind that I do poorly with rejection, even perceived (we know this about me) It also suggests I experiment with a degree of alone time. (which has always been one of the big challenges of my life) The second one didn't even give me results. Just asked for my email and promised to email them to me . . .instead emailed me a newsletter and asked for money for their subscription thingy. I would strike that one from your ramble if I were you. I would like to address this next bit in particular to your friend who is worried about hitting some sort of 'too late' wall with having relationships. In short, don't be. I know I come across as super on top of where my life should be but even I have struggled with this feeling in the past. One of the best bits of life advice I have ever received is to trust that life will always welcome you back. You never age out of life. Some of the most interesting people I know didn't know at 25 what they wanted to do with their lives. Heck, some of the most interesting 40 year old's I know, still don't. You're also never alone. Right now you think you don't have 'experience' and that makes you damaged. . .but trust me . . . to many. many. many people not having that experience, makes you exactly the sort of unicorn they would kill a kingdom to be with. Just gotta trust and keep moving forward. Skitty talks about proximity effect, as an adult I have found that one of the greatest ways to make friends, is to pick a hobby that gets you out of the house and out of your normal group and into a normal group at least once a week. I personally have coined the term 'social scaffolding'. Something that brings you together with people and holds you together temporarily till you've built connections that will withstand even if and when the scaffolding is removed. Lastly, to Skitty, as well as all of us. Particularly in this day and age of easy connections online . . . as easy and connected as online makes us feel, online friends will never be able to fully replace in person relationships. There are real tangible benefits and supports and help, that friends and mentors and others, can and will, jump to give you. Many of which, are just not viable no mater how much someone might desire to be there for you remotely. It's an easy trap. Don't run away from real life just because online is easier. Sorry this got so long. xD Teddy had a lot to say on this topic. <3 Teddy loves all his friends. So Teddy <3's all of you.

Teddy

Dunno if this helps or not Tingle and Ele and any lurkers!(I hope it does. Thas the the point!) Note that 3 of us have responded so far. All 3 of us seem to have gotten different friend style results..... and yet all 3 of us and skitty too have mentioned some amount of rejection self confidence woes. We all in that particular boat together more than we realize.... <3

Taco

Most of my friends I met online when I discovered discord years ago. It’s much easier to talk to people online sometimes. I eventually met up with a couple of them when I moved. It really helped adjusting to a new place because it can be overwhelming when moving far away. I think one of the best ways though to make friends is a hobby! Especially if you live in a city then there’s probably groups you can join, although it can be tough if it’s out of the person’s comfort zone. An example would be like a book club or something that meets every week. Finding partners can be tough though! However dating apps have really streamlined the process. I think Hinge is pretty good for long term stuff imo! Tinder and Bumble have more users I think but I see people mostly use that for short term stuff or hook ups but it varies person to person, location, what the person is looking for and all that. The apps are a great way for throwing yourself out there 😃

SIM

I have met friends through school, or it was a friend of a friend, and I have also met tons of people online through online games and presently with the help of Discord ^^. But I honestly have no idea how to make friends. Somehow, people meet me, and some like me, some don't. I just try to be nice and always be honest, but not brutally honest, and somehow it works. But when I try to start a relationship with someone that I really like, it always gets awkward. When I try to start a conversation, my head gets completely empty, and the conversation is just getting weird and award. I'm always trying to engage in conversations, but it seems like somebody always starts has to start it for me :/ Anyway, thank you for the rumble.

Giraffes

So personally I’m not sure how to proceed for where I’m at in healing or in terms of working on myself to open up, so to welcome friendships again fully. I’ve thought about it everyday for a year, but one internal issue is really not budging. And I’ve met an old friend; I have online friends I’ve been growing and changing for; a coworker wants to go camping and stuff, but I feel there’s a critical problem internally to even try. It’s not what it sounds like, but my hope is that maybe once an issue is addressed in therapy I'll be able to start healing a bit. I just hope I’m not broken for bonds despite all my efforts this year. My brain managed to make hell for itself for like a decade and ruptured everything I had on that end. I’m terrified the professional might not be right for the root of it also, which kind of compounded on the trauma of it growing up, and I kind of want outside support once that starts being addressed. I’m scared not to be able to handle anything at all on that corner once it’s open and vulnerable. I feel honestly broken in terms of bonding haha. I’m trying to find what to do with this feeling and the fears, since it feels as if I’ve a ruptured bond, or capacity to bond, in such an intense and confusing way - as if everyone is deeply unsafe and I’m not acceptable or human. Not in a bad way, I try to be really ok or more until I cry about it and push away. But I’ve been working on every aspects of my life and adjusting myself to maybe allow friendships irl, which is a lot for now. I’m sort of relieved that the paranoia and the traumatic part of an issue made my avoidances and phobias sort of burn for a year, I’ve been in a fight or flight response continuously for a year. The root is not budging and it’s a storm of horrible feelings still. I was dumb growing up and took some issue too many extremes too seriously. I’m not sure if you'd have advice for that? Since it feels intense how much I seek a safe bond like in your motherly roleplays. I’m not sure I can provide that for myself without cutting off my ability to bond, or if I can do it at all anymore. I hope a safe bond helps. Once it gets to rougher subjects in therapy I’ll take some weeks off, and since I’ll be moving really soon, I’ll get a lot of time to sort of agonize about it. Which I’m surprised is still a thing after one year of these ~mental kidney stones of sort, I didn’t think it was possible not to get over something this much. I’m trying so hard. In all, I might need to address a traumatic thing while also working on a bond, and have it safely acknowledged to process the trauma responses of it I think, and a therapy setting now seems safe to my brain since this year. I spent 5 years and half of one in paranoid horror to get here, so I hope it shows I’m dedicated at least. It’s been some genuine effort to heal. I think I’m doing ok. Therapy weeks are pure confusion and fog for now, and we won’t be talking about anything too private for a while. I’ve been working on commitment issues slowly, or the odd feeling that I’m not allowed to want those things anymore. I swear I’m ok, and working on things. I did need help and an intervention last year since I was escaping so much. But yeah that’s my reflexion. I hope it makes sense even if I still somehow keep stuff to myself. Thanks for bringing up the subject also, just addressing things often has been helping I think. I hope all is well on your end for relationships and such

ReluctantlySane

I def make a lot of proximity friendships, that never really leave wherever I make them, work friends and things like that. I like to chalk that up to being rather low maintenance or self-sufficient emotionally if that makes sense. Like, when covid was in full swing and we had a lock down here for roughly two weeks, I was watching the scant long term friends I have, slowly decend into madness via group chat while it was just another holiday for me. That being said, those few friends I've known since highschool, but I only catch up with one of them on a semi-reg basis. Any weekend I'm not working, I will usualy spend a Sat night at his with his fam, dinner, drinks, movies, catch up with what my "nephew" and "nieces" are doing and crash the night, heh, they've literally said the reason they have their current couch is cause of me, lol.That fills my friend meter pretty substantially. Hmm, relationships..I find I can interact fine with someone, right up to the point, "I/they would like to get to know them/me in that way" flits across my brain, at which point said brain checks out and leaves me a stupid, :p. I...think..it has to do with a bit of rejection worry and a lot of fear of change, which is silly, because I would like to get into a relationship and I understand the root cause of the issue, but still don't do anything about it...huh, guess it's that change fear talking again..the human condition sucks sometimes huh? Thanks for the ramble Skitty, they're always great food for thought.

Hori

LETSSS GOO ANOTHER SKITTY DROP!!!

Sargoth

"How do I find a romantic partner/friend?" That begs the question what's a romantic friend? Is that like the friendzone of hopeless romantics?

SkittyKat
>>112056453

Lol, you know what I mean. But hmmm, romantic friend... yeah, eternal friendzone sounds about right.

Shaagy

After a bit of introspection I realized a few things about myself : a) I make friends by proximity but only if we share the same type of vibes, otherwise I'm way too standoffish and defensive to interact properly - so it's either day1 buddies into being actual friends after a few weeks or nothing. b) I don't know how to interact with people. Had to rewrite this part a few times because I was always backing up and going "wait, it's not just friends". It comes down to a few things like, idk often I should contact them - so I don't because I feel like I'd be bothering them or wasting time because surely they won't answer. Also very typical of me is not being able to gauge how close I am with another person so I overshare, which then leads me to being incredibly awkward and embarrassed. Typically that also means that I go full reverse and run, in a way, and drop off all contact. c) All attempts at having a "romantic friend" or a relationship failed at early stages due to rejection (crazy standards) or just me losing all interest (she expected me to suddenly pay for everything combined with long distance).