I am Angela's Walled-Up Heart (Patreon)

*I posted this on Facebook and got a lot of positive feedback so I figured I post it here as well. Originally, the post was more about venting some of my emotional frustrations than wanting presents and I'm glad most people had that take-away. Specifically speaking, I just loaned my brother all my savings to help him with an issue I have warned him about for 2 years. Same brother is my closest, both emotionally and geographically, sibling. Same brother has essentially ignored my existence unless he's needed something for the last year because his bipolar, abusive girlfriend is - shit you not - jealous of me. He ignored my birthday and repeatedly visits Phoenix without informing me. Despite giving him literally every penny I have to my name, he continues to ignore my requests that he drive 90 minutes to spend Christmas day with me and our sister that I'm paying to fly-out and bought her all her Christmas gifts and pay several other bills for her because she is only 17 and in independent-living. As a result, I feel more worthless than I usually do. If not for Irene, I would likely be providing Christmas for 10 people without getting any acknowledgment at all, and this can be very emotionally exhausting after several years of it. Without further ado...*

This time of the year, I would usually make some joke about how if you ever masturbated to my photos you should consider getting me a Christmas gift, yadda yadda yadda. This year I'm going to change it up and be THAT person, you know, that person that overshares about their personal traumas on Facebook.

Yes, I've always been fairly upfront about the things I've endured, but I make a point not to lament about them or make a social media sideshow out of them. This year, I'm fucking lamenting, I've goddamn earned my booth on the fairway.

My parents were/are, on the micro-level, two of the worst people to have ever existed. As the eldest, I took the brunt of their awfulness and have the PTSD diagnosis to prove it. My mother still sends me hateful emails and death threats even though I haven't spoken to her since she kicked me out in high school. I over-extend myself for affirmation from others and never think I'm worth the things I want and even need. I feel like I'm constantly lying, especially when I try to open up to people so I just avoid it and try to stay detached. Thanks mom and dad!

I have 9 siblings. I am the oldest. I legally took custody of one of my brothers several years ago and continue to financially and emotionally assist the rest. It is fucking exhausting. It is made more so by the fact that taking on the role of mom is super lonely because taking on that role means being selfless because children don't owe you shit. Nonetheless, it's hard to see yourself devoting so much time, energy, and money without reaping the same benefits from somewhere yourself. I in no way resent my siblings; it brings me immense joy that I am able to help them in ways I wish someone could have been there for me. I just... feel very alone with a scoop of self-pity thrown in.

If I'm not in a relationship I don't have a shoulder to cry on, no one is assisting me with problems, and I'm most likely not getting Christmas presents. It sucks. For some reason, it feels more sucky than the other years.

So, if you have the disposable income AND you masturbate to my photos, I would totally dig receiving a gift from you because who doesn't like gifts?

Hi. Check out this list: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1V8RCR1PT9X8X

Addendum: This is not to say there's not people in my life that care about me; there are lots of people that show me care and kindness and have my well-being in mind. I'm just terrible at asking for/ accepting/ embracing it. I internalize a lot and downplay my feelings; it's that whole lack of self-worth thing in action. This post isn't meant to ignore those people but to put myself out there to followers beyond "here's my butt."

$15+ Patrons can find all the photos from the shoot above in the dropbox folder "Modeling / 2017 / Jesse Paulk."

Happy holidays, y'all.