The Definition of Insanity (Patreon)

For those of you following along on Snapchat – or just have astute observational/cyber stalking skills – I’ve been struggling through one of the worst depressions I’ve had since my suicide attempts. 

It was triggered by lots of things, but only having 4 days off the entire month of March did not make me the most stable human-being in the world. I would have never guess 9 to 18 hour back-to-back work days would make me inclined to cry into the darkness “why am I not good enough?!” over and over again until the only way to calm myself down was to take a knife to my arm… several times. You live, you learn. 

On a positive note, one of the triggers was that I started a trauma-specific therapy program. I spent a year on a waitlist for this program and I’m really glad I started it although it’s been difficult regularly talking honestly about my feelings and doing grounding exercises; turns out I find connecting with my existence completely devastating! 

I’ve already taken away a lot from my sessions, including that I need to stop working at the club so much and spend more time creating. These are things I knew were essential to my mental health but I had not practiced because I prioritized making money to essentially buy the love of the people close to me. Yes, I am that pathetic, and some of the people close to me are very inconsiderate. 

What’s different about this knowledge now is that my mental health has deteriorated to the point where it was very strongly urged that I go into in-patient care. I don’t know if I ever discussed this, but in-patient care is my worst nightmare. I briefly experienced once and never want to experience it again. Having the threat of in-patient care over my head will make me do literally anything to avoid it, including prioritizing my own needs over the needs of others. 

So I know I’m sad a lot, I know I work a lot for stuff not relevant here, and I know it makes me an unreliable creator and there’s only so many times I can apologize. Here’s one of them:  I’m sorry I have sucked the last 3 months. I’m sorry I knew I sucked and didn’t change what I was doing, I just hoped it would work-out regardless if I just kept slowly killing myself with guilt (almost exactly like me before my suicide attempts 4 years ago!).

I’m going to be rearranging rewards and tiers and generally cleaning house here on April 1st. I don’t plan to change anything too much, I just want to make things more manageable and create more accountability and transparency to my work-flow.

Things are going to be different, because they have to be. 

Thanks for sticking around.

Photo of me and Jacs Fishburne by Burning Paper Hearts.