Blog: Rejoice! (Patreon)

You may not as noticed, but this Patreon was temporarily suspended for the week while I had to remove any references to explicit material. It of course happened when I was in the middle of a work-a-thon of doubles so addressing it took me longer than I wanted, I'm sorry.

Thing are going... ok? I mean, I'm not doing fantastic and I'm totally overwhelmed trying to fit in as much as possible before I leave, but I'm ok and functional for the most part.

I'm trying to work at the club as much as possible because I'm worried about money now that I have a new car payment. Did I mention I got a new car? 

I'd been saving for a down-payment for awhile because my credit is pretty terrible - thank you grad school loans! - and with all the damage that had occurred to the Yaris over the year (2 hit and runs and the front end torn off by a monsoon), I started worried it wouldn't make it through the tour. Now I have a AWD Toyota Rav4 which is way better suited for my life - I can sleep in it! Unfortunately, now I have a pretty large monthly payment to worry about. 

I've decided to longer express any of my feeling regarding K. This pain has been going on for way too long and I feel like I've done everything I can to make it hurt less and the only thing left to do is pretend I'm not constantly being torn apart about it. Nothing has changed, my head just keeps just going in circles about it all, so I figured instead of trying to find a way out of the circle, I'm just gonna leave the circle alone in my head. If I had to find a conclusion to it all, it'd probably be that he never cared about me and was stringing me along ever so slightly for all the benefits that come from being involved with me and I made more out of the whole experience than I had any right to because for some inexplicable reason I have always been drawn to him and really, really, really wanted him to love me. 

I think we're both damaged in the same way and recognize that in one another. Neither of us believe we deserve to be loved, except I over-compensate in hopes of earning love and I try to address my demons. In the past, I've avoided addressing my issues by becoming overly-focused on others but I've since made avoiding codependency my primary goal and have been regularly going to therapy. On the other hand, K doesn't believe he deserves to be loved even though he wants to be, so he gets involved and then makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy by pushing the person away, taking as much as he can without giving, and avoiding his own problems by getting very involved in his partners' lives and hobbies. Thus, our relationship was essentially a black hole; me giving and him taking, us both desperate for a thing we don't think we deserve.

So that's the last I have to say about K, I guess. I'm gonna try to keep all my feelings about it to myself - and my therapist - and maybe I'll trick myself into no longer hurting about it. I won 't lie though, I both dread and look forward to the day he attempts to talk to me again. History strongly indicates that's inevitably going to happen, but I could be wrong and I don't know how I feel about that... I probably feel sad because right now I would give literally anything for him to reach-out to me. Le sigh.

This month, I'm going to send  a dozen signed instaxs to anyone that signs up or upgrades their pledge to $15+. That's right, a dozen. I have hundreds and I need to do something with them! If you're already at $15, upgrade to $60 or higher and get yourself a dozen instaxs and see some vulva!

Anyway, thank you all for for your support. I hope you're enjoying all the new work!