Modeling Set: HansonsPhotos (Patreon)

I so did not want to do this set. 

I shot this super quick the morning before I left for my tour in order to promote my new hair color. I had just gotten a really abrasive facial and was missing being a blonde so I did not feel pretty at all.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but since we broke-up, HansonsPhotos hasn't been all that respectful to me. Literally every time I've seen him since the breakup, he has groped me or tried to do sexual things to me even when I say "no." 

It's hard for me to open up to people, so I'm always hesitant to cut-off the few people that I have opened up to even if they're terrible people. Add to the fact that I feel guilty for breaking up with him (I didn't cheat on him or anything, I just ended it because I didn't believe we were compatible and he took it really hard), and it makes me a huge, self-loathing pushover. 

When he's done inappropriate things despite my lack of consent or in the face of out-right protest, I've told myself that he's just upset and he deserves to act out a bit and I'm strong and I can take it and I probably deserve it for continuing a relationship with him because I don't have many people. I consider being assaulted a form of payment to him in exchange for being in my life. It sounds crazy when I type that but it's true.

My parents use to always tell me that love wasn't given, it was "earned." I endured so much and worked so hard for them to love me, but I never qualified. Now, I can't help but see myself as a burden in all my relationships and that I have to earn my right to be in them. This why I glorify relationships in which I'm treated poorly; it's what feels the most normal to me, it feels like what I deserve.

Anyway, this shoot was no exception and I told myself I just had to deal with it in exchange for his friendship. It is kinda sad when I really think on it. If anyone else told me what I just said, I'd probably violently shake them and tell them they were wrong and no one deserves to be treated like that, EVER. I, however, in my own head, am an exception.

So that's the background behind what was likely my last shoot ever with HansonsPhotos. I still don't see him as a predator but rather too simple to grasp distinctions and muti-level emotions and that it's my own fault for expecting he could. I'm beyond certain he wouldn't treat a model like this if he did not have a preexisting relationship like ours. I know what he did was wrong, that it hurt me, but I also feel like in scheme of everything it doesn't really matter. Does any of that make sense?

I know it's not pretty, but I think most of you are here because you want more in addition to a pleasing image.

$15+ Patrons can see all the images from this set in the dropbox folder Modeling / 2018 / HansonsPhotos / Sept 2018.