Blog Post: Back on my bullshit / Why can't I keep my tongue in my mouth (Patreon)

First things first, updates!

$1+ Patrons

Y'all have been a bit neglected but I'm back on to the blog post-a-week grind. 

$5+ Patrons

You'll be getting a minimum of 8 mini photo sets a month. This has pretty much been the rate they've been going out except now it's a guarantee. 

$10+ Patrons

If you are a $10+ Patrons or higher, please send me a message with your Snapchat user name. I cannot add you until you do this.

$15+ Patrons

I now guarantee a minimum of 4 new photo sets a month.

Latest Dropbox Folder Updates

Modeling

2019 / Rey De Lana

2019 / Nathan Appel

2019 / Blakey Giles

2019 / Cygnet

Photography

2019 / Cherry - Thatwitchaudrey

2019 / Suicide Girls / Cygnet

2019 / Tazia

Pre-2019 / Eithersideisfine / Digital 

$60+ Patrons

Fuck yes Portland peeps are way more down with erotic content and video!!! Time to blow this level up with content. I also wanted to add an explicit snap feed for you guys but I'm still trying to figure that out since I'm not particularly inclined to staging that stuff.

Latest Dropbox Folder Updates

The Better Stuff / Erotic Photography / Cherry - Thatwitchaudrey

$200+ Patrons

Lots of new stuff here because Portland dudes are no prudes and I'm also just becoming more comfortable with explicit content production.  

Latest Dropbox Folder Updates 

Erotic Modeling / L 

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BLOG

Things are for real starting to normalize in my life. It no longer feels like each day is just me sprinting like crazy to simply catch-up and survive.

I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I think I summed up why best in two Instagram posts from this week.

" I've decided to briefly stop taking my antidepressants so I can cry. This is probably a terrible decision but I haven't had a real cry in nearly a year. I feel things on my meds but I'm... unaffected? I feel very cut-off from myself. That I'm functional and nothing more... There's no real justification, I just want to do it. "

" Yes, I've TEMPORARILY stopped taking my antidepressants. Yes, I am feeling depressed but I was feeling depressed AND buried alive on them because my dosage has been SIGNIFICANTLY increased over the last year. I don't want to be in a state of despair but I also don't want to feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. I want to be functional and myself and being me involves being sad sometimes. It also involves being super ecstatically joyful sometimes and I wasn't experiencing any of that either. I'm getting my dosage lowered so I can actually experience the things I feel again. Right now I'm essentially just getting air and maybe that's a bit of self-flagellation but it's what I want. Let me be selfish this one time and do some semi-private productive self-destruction."

I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor to discuss getting my dosage lowered so I'm no longer running the risk of suddenly feeling as if I'm being smothered in sadness and self-hatred and NEED to kill myself. No crying for hours in my closet for me.

Still dating. Still super disillusioned by it all.

RollerCon is in two weeks so I have been training super hard for that. This year I won't be in a room alone like the last two years so I imagine that will make the experience a lot better. Dottie will be rooming with me and it will be her first time at RollerCon and Las Vegas! I'm very much looking forward to it.

My pets are all well but I definitely need to find a new place with a yard; walking Copper regularly so she can go potty is very time-consuming and stressful. 

I need to take my camera in to be cleaned because the buttons have been sticking since the fire and it's getting embarrassing during shoots trying to get it to work. I don't really have the money to get it done just yet but it's high on the list.

As for family, I've still been giving too much... money and energy to one of my siblings in particular and It's very... it's hard. I would give anything if he would just listen to me in the first place instead of running to me for help after what he does falls apart. I feel like he only calls me when he needs an emotional punching bag and it's scary and upsetting. I honestly think 90% of his issues wouldn't exist if he just fucking went to therapy but he continues to refuse. I love him and my nephew too much to tell him no.

To end on a positive note, I have 4 shoots this week and will be attending a modelographer event next week, so please look forward to all that!

Photo above by @xxjalbxx .