Blog: Can't Cry Until I Can't Remember (Patreon)

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The Better Stuff / Erotic Photography / Cherry - Thatwitchaudrey

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My brother is slowly killing me and I don't think I'm capable of intimacy or vulnerability anymore.

One of my brothers is... very codependent and I am totally guilty of enabling him because... I don't know what else to do and I want to ensure my relationship with my nephew... I need to stop giving him money though. I know he could do better at managing his money and a lot of the problems he ends up needing money from me are for are due to situations I had strongly advised him against or had urged him to prepare for, but it's still so hard for me to deny my siblings help after I've gone through so much alone and it was so hard for me; I don't want them to go through that. Nonetheless, it's reached an unsustainable point. I shouldn't be skipping roller derby practice tomorrow to work a double just so I can pay my own bills after paying my brother's.

On top of feeling like everyone's hero, I don't think I'll ever have some sort of hero beyond myself and I am absolutely lousy at taking care of myself. I don't expect anyone nor need anyone to take care of me, but... it'd be nice. It would be really nice to feel like I can rely on someone and that someone was looking out for me. However, I don't think I even have what it takes to even begin to acquire it.

I don't think I'm capable of falling in love, intimacy, or vulnerability anymore, assuming I ever was. I can't even cry unless I'm black-out drunk. I put up up walls, refuse to reach-out for help, push people away all to avoid possibly feeling rejected, degraded, let-down, or hurt. I don't know which is lonelier; having someone around that could hurt me or having someone around that I refuse to let truly know me.

I'm probably over-thinking it like I do everything else but it's hard not to think about, especially at my age and with the desire to one day have a family. It's just... frustrating and makes dating even more unenjoyable and pointless. 

So I guess I just continue spending time working and doing the things I care about and hope for the best? I don't know how this whole contentment thing works. I'm fairly self-satisfied but I want... more.  

Photo above by me of Victor Von Goethe.