Blog Post (Patreon)

It's been awhile since I've done a blog post and hopefully the people here still enjoy reading the minutia that goes through my head.

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot more insecurity than I have in a long time. With all the new laws being passed regarding sex work (nude modeling totally falls under that umbrella even if it's "artistic") and the rise in censorship on social media,  I've had to really think about my future in this industry both in the long and short term. 

In the short term, I've been doing a lot more promotional stuff and researching how other people in my industry currently stay relevant and find success. Sadly, looking at what other people are doing in my industry sometimes makes me feel more lacking than motivated. There's just so many beautiful and creative and talented people out there and I just feel like I'm not up to par, at least not enough to keep up as this industry evolves. I logically know this is not the case; my fan base and interactions 100% make that obvious. Nonetheless, I still struggle not to beat myself up and stay inspired to create.

I feel as if I creatively spread myself too thin and that makes matters worse. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be myself and also have a consistent aesthetic and/or "brand." Like, how do I keep new people's interest if one day I'm posting about hiking and the next day I'm posting straight-up porn? Also, why care about my sex work opinions or watch me roller skate when there's so many way more talented skaters and more informed leaders in the sex industry? But then again, I want to assert my opinions on sex work and put up videos of me roller skating because that's who I am, regardless of how good I am at it. 

All this thinking about how to present myself snowballs into this existential crisis of who am I anyway? Where am I going with all this? What's the end goal? I really don't know, all I know is I wish I was doing MORE, more of what I'm not so sure in a world that is so volatile.

The volatility thing is whole other issue. I'm sorta afraid to really assert myself lately because people seem to be just waiting for chances to rip others apart. Everyone is just so angry. It's justified given the state of the world, but almost all my social media feeds are people trying to be progressive and other people nit-picking everyone to death. I don't know how anyone brings themselves to even attempt to effect change in the face of all this hostility. I consider myself a strong person, but I am too sensitive for the amount of vitriol being thrown around so easily within the progressive/leftist community, 

I honestly think people have lost their minds with the extent of expectations they have from reform but I also worry I have this perspective because of my privilege. I'm white-presenting and sorta conventionally attractive; that shit gets you a long way even though I grew up in and out of homelessness with abusive parents. 

In regards to sex work, I now (or I  did before they shut everything back down in Portland) manage the dancers at a club which automatically makes me a target. I try so hard to be fair as a boss and an advocate for the dancers, but there has to be rules to keep people accountable and the business running - which, both those things also contribute to the overall well-being of the dancers but for some reason they're considered mutually exclusive. As a result, I get cast as an oppressor pretty easily and it's made me disinclined to publicly stand up for dancer issues out of fear of being attacked by a disgruntled dancer.  I also live in constant fear of being "cancelled" just because a dancer didn't get her way. This summer, a dancer smeared me all over social media claiming I knowingly worked with covid (I absolutely did not) all because she found out her boyfriend had been flirting with me. People didn't even think the question the posts slandering me and my work place, they just indiscriminately shared them like wildfire. It was humiliating.  I've also had dancers publicly accuse me of white supremacy when I've stopped scheduling them for failing to show up for shifts or for bringing a gun to work even after being asked not to. I know these people are exploiting the state of the world but it is so absolutely disheartening when it happens that all I want to do is bury my head in the sand. I want to keep doing the right things, but I afraid of being part of the public discourse.

Right now, the only thing I know for sure, is I want to be able to keep a roof over my head, preferably through my creativity.  It's a very general goal but maybe if I just focus on that phrase, I'll get shit done and stop being so hard on myself.