Dramatic Update (Patreon)

I don't get as personal online as I use to. I kind of lost the... I'm not sure what it is. I just stop caring enough to talk about things and/or I've felt like anything I was struggling with was something I should be busy fixing instead of talking about. Also, even when things were happening that I did make me feel about, I didn't want to admit they got to me, I wanted to be "stronger" and "better" than that. It's weird I started to become this way when so many of my long term fans are here specifically because I talked about my struggles. I've just been wrapping myself deeper and deeper into myself and thinking it was ok because it seemed to correlate with me being much more emotionally stable. However, stable doesn't mean happy or good, it just means consistent and I've consistently felt very isolated and unable to stop myself from putting myself in that state.

I'm currently sitting in the Houston Airport waiting to get on a plane to Florida. I had originally planned to go to Florida sometime this year to facilitate my sisters meeting one another for the first time (we all share a father but have different mothers; I'm the only child of my father's 8 to have lived with each of my siblings at one point or another and I've pretty much taken care of everyone my entire life because he was a monster and liked women even worse than him). My sister Xena has desperately wanted to meet my sister Ariann for years and was frantic to make this trip happen to the point I ended up bankrolling quite a bit of it. However, my sister Ariann has been suffering from a mysterious dehabilitating illness since the beginning of the year. I'm the only one she's told about it. In May, she had to stop working because she was I'm a constant state of migraine and would randomly lose control of her motor functions. Since then, she's essentially been bed-ridden. The week my sister Xena decided it was time for us to buy plane tickets to see Ariann in Florida, Ariann got the results of her MRI which showed "scattered brain lesions." 

Both Ariann's mother and aunt died young of cancer, her mother specifically died from brain cancer. However, initial tests suggest this could be multiple scoliosis which is equally bad.

Needless to say, I've spent a lot of time on the phone with a very distraught Ariann who wanted us to cancel the trip altogether because she's embarrassed at her condition but she also didn't want to talk about her condition with anyone but me. I finally calmed her down enough to accept Xena was coming and that she'd understand. Meanwhile, we made plans for me to go with her to her first neurologist appointment on Wednesday and I've been sending her money because her disability request from May still hasn't been approved and she can't pay her rent.

Just in case you thought this visit was emotionally intense enough, my sister Xena wants us to go visit our father's grave together for the first time ever. My father, monster that he was, was pretty much the only person Xena knew until he died when she was a teenager. She knows he was abusive to her, to all of us, but that's still the only person she had for years. I also was close to my father growing up and, although he severe abused me and I hadn't spoken to him for several years before he died, his death devastated me. I had an opportunity to go see his grave 3 years ago and I could not bring myself to do it out of fear of how emotional it would make me. Now I have to go see it with someone who I cannot help but prioritize her feelings way over mine, someone you couldn't pay me to show weakness in front of. I've been the closest thing to a parent and a stable force all my siblings have ever had; I never want them to feel like relying on me would be a burden or detrimental to my own well-being even when it is. It's always been this way and I made the decision to be the safety net I never had for them; I can't change my mind now about that, that's not how being a parent is suppose to work.

I'm just so very tired. I'm tired of working so goddamn hard to have the resources to financially assist them and the emotional wherewithal to hold them up. I'm tired of not being able to feel what I want to feel; even if I wanted to, I'm so trained not to allow myself to. I'm just exhausted but that's nothing compared to the unspeakable fears I have about Ariann's health. I... I cannot discuss that at all. I just can't even begin to process those.

Anyway, sorry I've been slacking on posting. hHere's my boobs on the flight from Portland to Houston.