Some More Over-Sharing (Patreon)

I posted this on tumblr but decided to repost it here because these feelings played a big part of why it took so long for me to create a Patreon; I knew it would require opening up more to my audience - assuming an audience exists at all. Enjoy the neurotic self-absorption below! *** My desire to talk to people about myself and my feelings seems to diminish exponentially as I grow older. I find myself more and more locked within myself, although I don’t feel any more alienated from people than I do when I’m more forthcoming. This is perhaps because it’s easier to assume you’re different and the people around you don’t understand you than to know it for a fact. I believe I’m justified in this stance because, in my experience, gratuitous honesty and openness has always done me more harm than good. However, in regards to my online persona, I believe this inclination might be to my detriment within the sphere of the art modeling world. I’ve started to worry that my unwillingness to post about my struggles or feelings in detail - weighed with my practice of the necessary evil of self-promotion - makes me appear vapid, vain, and materialistic in a world that shuns these qualities. I’m not quite sure how to remedy this possible problem. I’m sure it seems easy enough to most of you; I just need to post more often about myself. Unfortunately, it’s become really difficult for me to even discuss my issues with people I see on a daily basis. Even back when many people considered me an “open-book,” I never revealed when I was struggling in any regard to anyone. Yes, I talked openly and honestly about past traumas, but with a positive PR-spin (my therapist calls this “dissassociating”). When I was weak, I cut the communication lines. Nowadays, I act as if under a self-imposed gag-order. Almost a year ago, my dad died. I didn’t talk to anyone about it other than posting that it had happened and that I would temporarily be neglecting communications beyond my normal anxiety-induced slacking. I have since completely avoided discussing how profoundly my father’s death (and it’s consequences in regards to my family and my perceived responsibilities to them) has affected me. Not to my boyfriend. Not to my siblings. Not to my best friends. I even stopped going to therapy. Why? Because I simply can’t handle inconveniencing these people; or them not understanding or; worst of all, them not caring. I rather spare everyone and myself another drama. That’s how deep this issue runs. So yeah, I’m sorry I seem like a superficial bitch on the internet and I’m even more sorry if that’s impacted your decision to work with me. Perhaps I’ll try harder to find ways to convey what a mess I really am under this bright muppet exterior, verbal or otherwise. Or maybe I won’t. I’m not quite sure although it super bums me out to think that after everything I’ve been through, that anyone would ever consider me superficial. PS: I chose this picture because every time my boyfriend suggests I do something social, I take my dogs to the dog park instead. My pets know more about me than anyone that has ever lived and they still like sharing a bed with me :-)