6.365 (Patreon)

The last few days have been... hard? I feel bad saying "hard" because there was lots of great parts I don't want to devalue but my mind always seems to fixate on the bad and cast a grey pallor on everything.

1) I have a horrible and near-non-existent relationship with my mother. I say "near" non-existent because although I've refused to speak to her for nearly 15 years, she insists on stalking me and periodically harassing me in a myriad of ways. I could go on and on about how abusive and traumatic my childhood was but it's like beating a dead horse that I already have to drag around with me every second of the goddamn day. I feel like the situation can best be summed up by the fact that this woman locked me out of our home a month into my senior year of high school because I had just turned 18. I was a straight-A student, varsity athlete, and a member of the astronomy club with no where to go because she had practically kept me a prisoner my entire childhood. I had never done drugs, snuck out, or even had a boyfriend, and I was out on the street. Why? Her most current boyfriend didn't like how I looked at him. Did I mention she's a bipolar schizophrenic? Anyway, she sent me an email on Saturday I've yet to open because just seeing it in my email notifications gave me a panic attack. The last time she sent me a message it explained how she wished I was dead (this is part of the reason I struggle with responding with communication; I fear my various mailboxes).

2) Later that same day, I got a bunch of frantic messages from my teenage sister that I help a bit financially. Turns out her heroin-addict mother just got arrested and may go to jail for several months. I cannot begin to explain how bad this makes an already terrible situation. I'm really worried for my sister and unsure what, if anything, I can do to help.

3) I shot with a particular photographer over a year ago. I remained friendly with him online although I disagreed with his political views and found him a little needy because he was nice. It didn't hurt that he would randomly send a few bucks here and there on Snapchat (like 3 times, $30 max). Several months ago, I noticed he blocked me on several platforms and deleted his glowing review of me on model mayhem (but kept photos of me in his port), so I sent him a message through tumblr. Today, 7 months later, I finally received a really rude and irrational response I did not expect. I attached screenshots if you're at all interested in seeing that kind of thing. I usually suck at post-shoot communication due to above-mentioned anxiety and I simply don't have time to maintain small chat contact (2 jobs and a half-dozen freelance jobs + 9 younger siblings does not = free-time), so it blows my mind that the one time I was good about it, this happens. Le sigh.

I have some free time this week so hopefully I get a bit more positive. I'm sorry I've been a downer.