Arbitrary Personal Blog Post Because I Feel Wrong Telling The People In My Personal Life When I'm Struggling (Patreon)

I'm having a miserable fucking Christmas, just in case anyone was wondering. I feel like an overworked failure with an unwelcomed house guest who insists on inflicting her negative attitude on everyone and everything. Now I find out the only real thing I wanted or looked forward to, spending Christmas with MY family, may not happen. No joke, I will give up every goddamn present, meal, and decoration in my home just to be around my brothers and sisters for Christmas. They're the only thing in my life that kept me from trying to kill myself for soooooooo long and being there for them is my number 1 priority so I'm beyond pissed it's being made more difficult to do so because of someone that is so unpleasant. UGHHHHHH. I missed the first 15 minutes of Rogue One tonight because I was hysterically crying in the lobby of the theater about how difficult the last few weeks have been and it's all been for things I don't care about at all when compared to being with my siblings. I've pretty much shut down externally to keep from stabbing myself or someone else. I can't remember the last time I ate and I kinda never want to eat again. Poor copping mechanisms for the win. Thank God my sister is here or I'd probably moved out in a rage by now because fuck my unfaithful boyfriend's rude, self-centered mother. One more passive aggressive insult and I might still do it. Shit you not, I've been selling my blood/plasma in order to afford gifts to live up to these people's expectations and I don't even want to be around them. My siblings don't even give a fuck about presents. The whole reason were not spending Christmas weekend in Tucson is for their benefit and she's still pissed she even had to come to Phoenix. Last I checked, I didn't ask her or her son to spend Christmas with me because I literally don't care at all if they did, he's the one that insisted on staying here with me.If my brother can't make it up to Phoenix for the weekend, I'm peacing out with my sister. They can keep all the presents they bought.Anyway, yes, I've neglected you all and I feel incredibly guilty about it with all the other negative things I feel right now. Massive changes are about to be made in my personal life so this no longer happens. I hope all of you are having happier holidays than I am.