Free At Last (Patreon)

Photo by Kate Sweeney . 

Full set available to $15+ patrons.

The last of my holiday houseguests left this morning although myholiday anxiety and depression remain.

I've admittedly failed you guys. I realize now I took on more than I could handle at the wrong time of the year and I lost some patrons because of it. I deserve that. 

While I was having a series of panic attacks about my failure here, the amount of money expected of me this holiday season, the troubles of my underage sister who I financially support, harassment from my estranged mother, the fact that one of my closest friends went missing for 7 days , my boyfriend's controlling and untrustworthy behavior, my boyfriend's rude mother almost preventing me from sharing Christmas with my brother, etc., I began to doubt my ability to contribute anything worthwhile to this world and that there was any purpose to my struggles. 

A lot of people like to shout from their roof tops about how they earned everything they have and it always makes me roll my eyes; it's easy to earn things when you're working off a sound foundation, when you've already been invested in and nutured. I wonder if when they were high school seniors they had to sneak into their friends' house at night to sleep on their floor because they had nowhere else to sleep. I wonder if after 15 years of refusing to talk to their mother, she still sends them death threats, stalks their social media with personal insults, or post their contact info on sex personal sites. I wonder if $500-$1500 of their monthly income goes to their younger siblings and if they spend at least two hours on the phone each week emotionally supporting them. I wonder if sometimes they sit in their car at a gas station to cry because just thinking about possibly seeking comfort and support in others overwhelms them with guilt and saddness. 

I know everyone has their cross to bear but sometimes I feel like I've been given a uniquely large cross that makes everything harder to do.

I'm not sure if I'm being a crybaby or not. The one thing I've determined is that I need to lead a creative life to remain mentally stable and that in order to do that something in my current life needs to go; I simply do not have the time, energy, or emotional capacity. What that thing is, I'm not sure but I have an idea and already taking steps to address it.

So I'm sorry, again. I hope that over the next month I can earn back your support.

<3