Never Again (Patreon)

[Context: I was on vacation with my bestie for a little over a week. I didn't see my girlfriend much, and it was harder for me to handle than I expected. Turns out I'm entirely in love with this woman and I miss her terribly even when I'm having an amazing time with my bestie. And for the record: I had a fucking amazing time with my bestie.]

11.8.22

Never Again

I found myself standing in the threshold of our home together, in the open space between entry and exit, feeling the chill of the day against my back and the burn of the furnace against my face. I slipped off my shoes, left them in the mud room and closed the door behind me, greeted then by the loud purr of your cat, his cheek pressing against my leg. Before I could stoop to pet him, the smell of you washed over me, stole me away from where I stood, and placed me warmly in the memory of the first time I stepped into your abode. I remember how my heart raced, how nervousness took over and combatted the instinctual urge to relax in a place that smelled entirely of you. How I fought to keep from becoming too comfortable, too quickly. How I greeted you with a smile, how I sat upon your bed, how I watched you cook. I didn’t want to stare, so I kept shifting my gaze, but how I longed for the ease of looking at you, how I longed to take in all your features, to drown in your beauty.

And I stood there, in this place we live in together. The ache that grew from missing our home, from missing you, began to heal a little, moment by moment, as I greeted our gentlemanly cat, as I put away my things from my time apart, as I took a second to sit on the couch, to inhale deeply, to feel the sting of tears as the joy of soon being reunited with you bubbled up in my throat.

Then - there you were, opening the door and wrapping your arms around me, kissing me with such affection that I wondered how I survived a week without these tender lips against mine. Blood caked your hands from your successful hunt, and painted your clothes with smears next to the mud. Perhaps you worried you might frighten me with your appearance, or disgust me, or make me uncomfortable. But your scent was so authentically you, and your joy was clear upon your face, and how could I ever be upset with you, who provides so well for us, and can hunt, and skin, and butcher her own meat so that we might eat well?

I kissed you again. And again. And I wanted nothing more than to drag you to the couch and kiss you for as long as I could manage.

Never again, I heard whisper in my head. We can’t be gone for that long ever again.

The logical part of me warned that this was a foolish promise, that this could never be spoken, that time apart to be our own people is good, and that we shouldn’t need anyone. But logic grew silent as my heart spoke once more:

Never again, she murmured. Because we do need her.