Reading Lunar Phases Ch 5 (Patreon)

Disclaimer: Don’t own PJO or Naruto.

“Anyone else want to go next?” Piper asked. The others shook their heads. She shrugged. “Alright, I’ll keep going. ‘The Deadliest Game of Hide and Seek.’”

“Ooh, how foreboding!” Leo gasped facetiously.

“Shut up.” Piper elbowed him.

Rage.

“Aw, Hell yes!” Ares grinned. “Best. Emotion. Ever!”

“Excuse you?!” Aphrodite scowled.

“See?! SEE! You’re feeling it right now!”

“Great.” Hephaestus rolled his eyes. “It’s the Valentine’s Day Massacre argument all over again.”

“That was an awesome day, Crip!” “You ruined my holiday!”

“Ares! Aphrodite, enough!” Zeus demanded. He rubbed his temple before grumbling. “We’re not even a word in to this wretched chapter.”

It was a chemically induced reaction that caused mortals to lash out, to seek to harm others. It was a passionate feeling in the sense that it blinded the feeler to everything around them. This emotion prone to bloodlust-inducing phenomena was favored by Ares explicitly, but other gods of Olympus were not unfamiliar with it.

“Boy, inn’t that an understatement?” Hermes chuckled. He looked at Zeus. “And we owe it all to you, Pops!”

“Don’t ever call me that again.” Zeus ordered.

January 12th, 2008

Artemis has only felt true rage a few times in her long life. Her first brush with true rage came about during the incident with Actaeon. Just thinking of the lust-driven man now, millennia after his death, made her ichor boil and her fletching fingers twitch.

“I still don’t see why sneaking a peek was such a big deal. It’s not like we didn’t have a nipple slip once in a while, Artemis.” Aphrodite rolled her eyes. 

“He did more than just watch and you know it.” Artemis grumbled.

“I’d have been flattered, and then smite him.” 

“You’d have done more than been flattered.”

“Well, yes. That’s how I would’ve smote him.”

“Best. Death. Ever.” Apollo and Hermes grinned.

“You two don’t know what you’re talking about!” Ares snarled.

After that was the event that took her first Lieutenant from her, an act she’s never forgiven her father for.

“Ah, yes. I remember the aftermath of that day as well.” Hera drawled.

“The day Bear Arms became literal.” Ares snickered. 

“Silence, Ares.” Both Zeus and Artemis growled before the latter glared once more at the former.

More recently, the audacity committed by Atlas and Luke Castellan. Trapping her in such a blatant way, with such obvious bait, would follow her as one of the most humiliating events of her immortal life. Killing yet another of her friends in front of her only made the memory hurt that much more. It drove her to fight harder that day and work her Hunters to their immortal bones. At least Bianca seemed to be managing just fine in her new role as Lieutenant for now.

Yet, that incensed feeling paled in comparison to what she currently felt toward her twin. There hadn’t even yet been a word invented in any known language that could express what she felt.

“What do you mean you ‘lost him again’?” Artemis snarled, taking one step closer to her brother.

“I feel this running gag has run its course.” Apollo said with a twinge of annoyance. “Why am I the joke every time we’re on the page?”

“You aren’t a joke?” Artemis asked, honestly stunned in shock.

“...Th-That just hurt. Like, serious emotional damage.” Apollo sniffled. “I’m gonna need a good cuddle buddy later.”

Apollo had one job she trusted him with outside of his Olympian duties (and she barely trusted him to perform those with any sort of professionalism): keep just one of his ‘amazingly awesome all-seeing’ eyes he so greatly loved to brag about on Naruto. She’d lost a dear friend due to her own fault already and, from what she’d understood, nearly lost him on the same quest. Her twin had earned a second chance at being her son’s legal guardian from his granted support against Atlas and at the Winter Solstice meeting, and in less than a month he’d squandered it.

Artemis really shouldn’t have been as surprised as she was. Her twin brother was an unparalleled idiot and, were it not for her son’s mortal blood, she’d sometimes thought Hermes —the annoying, slippery little fool— was Naruto’s father. The boy took to her lessons in hiding and stealth like a fish to water. And now that he was without his enchanted circlet…

Her head started to pound.

“Apollo, hold still.” Artemis lifted her hands as her power shone through her eyes. “I’m going to strangle you, stuff your body and mount you outside of my temple as a warning for the rest of Olympus!”

“There’s an idea.”

“Funny.” Apollo huffed. “Haven’t you hurt me enough with your jokes?”

“Apollo, I’m not the one that tells jokes.” Artemis deadpanned.

“Yes, you are. Goddess of Comedy, remember?”

“That must make you the God of Tragedy. For your existence is nothing but.”

“...Ooh, I think she won that one.” Hermes whispered as Apollo stared at his twin in shock of the burn she just dealt out.

“I have an idea of where he is!” Apollo quickly backed up, keeping her more than an arm’s length away. The goddess let her hands fall and narrowed her eyes.

“Then tell me, and I shall go fetch him myself.”

“Uh, about that…” Apollo swallowed. The hesitation did not fill her with confidence for her son’s safety. His next words only confirmed those fears. “I need an oath on the Styx that you won’t freak out, first.”

“That just makes me want to stab you more.” Artemis said, twitchy. 

“I need protection dangit!” Apollo cried out. 

“Well, I mean...will the rubber even work?”

“Leo!” The demigods glared at the now snickering son of Hephaestus.

“You—!” The audacious request did very little to dissuade her from making good on her declaration. Apollo quickly flashed away to the other side of her temple.

“Artemis, I’m serious.” He pointed at her. “I’m not saying another word until I hear you swear it.”

“Fine!” She snapped. “I swear in the Styx that I will not ‘freak out’ over whatever news you give me of Naruto’s location.” Thunder boomed and Artemis’ glare became cold. “Now tell me where my son is, Apollo!”

“Boston.”

A beat passed. Artemis stared at her twin, jaw agape. The throbbing in her head started up again tenfold.

“B-Boston?”

“He got a job in Boston.” Apollo shrugged. Then looked away and rubbed his neck. “…After his hotel room was shot up by some mortal mafia men.”

“Other me, why?! Why are you still talking?!”

“A question I find myself asking often.” Hades mumbled.

“And that’s why Poseidon’s my favorite uncle.” Apollo huffed. “Must also be why Percy’s my favorite mortal cousin.”

“Oh, no. The jealousy I feel.” Nico drawled.

“Oh, you don’t count. You’ll be my son-in-law before the year’s end.”

Artemis could only make a small sound of disbelief as her head felt ready to split in half.

“Please no, I’d need to make a new axe.” Hephaestus snorted.

“Was that a jab?” Athena asked.

“No, just a comment on my long, long list of regrets.” 

“That one was definitely a jab.” Ares chuckled. “Not bad, Crip.”

“Yes, thank you brother, I couldn’t tell.” Athena drawled while Hephaestus gave Ares a single finger salute.

“C’mon, sis, he’s your kid.” Apollo grinned, but she saw the weak falter in his eyes. “He’s handled us easily and lived on his own for practically a decade now. I’m sure he’s fine.”

What happened after that failed attempt at reassurance, Artemis could not say for she had completely blacked out.

“...Did...Did she faint?” Annabeth asked, frowning.

“And no one got her a fainting couch?!” Aphrodite gasped. “The tragedy!” 

“No. It says she ‘blacked out’,” Demeter said. She rolled her hand. “If she’d actually fainted, I think they’d put more detail into it for drama’s sake.”

“...Ohh, no.” Apollo gasped. He whimpered. “I know what happened.”

“Precog-powers?” Leo asked.

“No.” Apollo sighed and slumped in his throne. “Recent experience.”

The other gods seemed to understand in an instant and grimaced.

It wasn’t often that the twins interacted in mixed personas.

“Dah-ha-ham it!” Apollo rubbed his hands over his face. “I was right.”

“Oh, terrific.” Athena grumbled.

Roman and Greek split personalities usually didn’t mesh well. Take the Civil War, for example. That was a mess on its own without the Gods’ say in it. 

Not to mention their already rocky sibling relationship took on drastic new elements whenever one as a Greek would interact with another as a Roman. Whenever the Roman aspect of Apollo interacted with Artemis, he greatly aggravated her, and he knew it. More often than not, Phoebus Apollo got his Greek counterpart in trouble just for the laughs.

“The dick.”

“Still you, bro.” Hermes pointed out with a smirk.

“Nope. He’s a dick.” Apollo grumbled.

The same could not be said of the inverted pair, for surprisingly Diana was more forgiving of the Greek Apollo’s antics. This was mostly because she attributed his foolishness to his being born in a ‘barbaric land’ and during an ‘unenlightened era’.

“Unenlightened!?” Athena scowled. “Like those warmongering, barbaric fools–! The nerve.”

However, there was one topic where Diana was somehow more attentive than Artemis was, and that was whenever the subject of her adopted son came up. Diana, more often than not, would be the aspect to pick and choose what days Apollo could whisk the boy away for some cultural lessons. She also had the tendency to be more actively protective of him.

The first time Apollo had lost track of the boy, he awoke after a week of riding bitch to Phoebus’ panicked flight from their twin’s Roman fury. He’d awoken, face down in the middle of a crater, sore all over, and had to seek out Asclepius for help. The only positive to come out of that whole incident was that he was accredited for New Rome’s new public pool.

“Usually that sounds like a good time.” Apollo said, rubbing his neck. “Not the landing though.” 

Now, there was probably little chance of him emerging from the coming punishment a victor in any way, shape or form.

“Apollo.” The cool, stern voice that left the goddess’ lips made the god of the Sun backpedal towards her temple’s door.

“D-Diana! H-Hey, Sis! Long time, no see! I was just about to get a head start on scoping out Boston—” his back hit something solid. Strange, he could’ve sworn there was an entryway there. His eyes widened in horrified realization. It would seem that fleeing was no longer an option.

“No sunshine here for you, brother dearest.” Artemis said with mirth. 

“You are enjoying this way too much, Sis.” 

But groveling still is. Apollo’s sense of self-preservation screamed at him.

“Diana, please!” Apollo pleaded, still trying to pass through the solid wall behind him as the Roman stalked forward. “We already know he knew Freyr, let’s just ask Father—”

A calloused pair of pale fingers pressed his lips together with a firm grip.

“Ooh, details on the fingers? That’s not a good sign.” Jason shook his head.

“What do you mean?” Reyna asked.

“Remember that son of Neptune and Gaia they mentioned before? The one with the loincloth?”

“Do you mean Antaeus?” Annabeth asked.

“Yep. Him. All I think about is that description.” Jason fanned his hands out. “Sausage Fingers. It’s horrifying.”

“...You make a compelling argument.” Reyna mumbled.

“Jupiter will not save you from the punishment that is to come, Graceus.” Diana’s silver eyes glowed.

“Y-you shwore on the Shtyx!”

 “Artemis was the one who swore to show you leniency. I have not.” 

“Loopholes, just an axel off the chariot.” Athena chuckled. She glanced at Poseidon. “Wouldn’t you say so, Poseidon?”

“Yes, yes, you figured out how to make a wheel turn. I rule the oceans.” Poseidon deadpanned. “For me, wheels steer boats.”

“...Dad, I love you, but that’s a terrible argument.” Percy shook his head. Poseidon scowled at his son while Athena smirked.

Annabeth leaned over and whispered. “You get one class pick.”

Percy subtly pumped his fist.

Apollo felt his ichor cool as Diana smirked. She released his face and snapped her fingers. The temple opened once more. “But, given our shared parentage, I will be fair and give you an eight second head start. Better yet, if you can find Naruto before my Hunters, I will even spare your life.”

“S-Seriously, sis?” That was a dark joke, even for Diana. Zeus, let alone Jupiter, wouldn’t let the sun god die so swiftly.

Then again, the lone rational portion of Apollo’s brain noted, He’s already in super paranoid mode because of what happened to Artemis last winter and Thalia Grace’s exposure to Egyptian magic.

“One.”

“Okay, Honolulu it is. Got a safe house all set for hiding and there’s that volcanic nest of monsters to really stink the place up so-” Apollo started planning what he would do in such a situation. 

“...Do you think he knows we can hear him, or just doesn’t care?” Frank asked.

“He thinks out loud. That’s hilarious.” Leo snickered.

Apollo sprinted to his chariot so fast, he may have very well turned into particles of light. He’d barely turned over the engine when the first arrow smashed through the windshield and hit the upholstery in the back.

“Wh–That utter bitch!” Apollo squawked.

“Ooh, Apollo, don’t flirt with me right now.” Aphrodite tittered. “I want to see how this plays out.”

“...What does she mean by that?” Artemis growled, glaring at her twin.

“Piper McLean, I will give you any signed Moon Knight comic you want if you keep reading right now.” Apollo declared.

And so Piper did. She’d been saving up for a copy of Marc Spector: Moon Knight No. 38, but if Apollo was offering one up for basically free, she wasn’t going to miss out.

“Oh, come on, Diana!” Apollo scowled as he fixed the damage to his ride and tried to think of an appropriate disguise for it. “That is so not okay! Leave my chick magnet out of it!”

The next arrow that smashed through the windshield managed to clip a few golden hairs off of his head and stabbed into the headrest above his right ear.

“Oof, missed twice in a row.” Ares smirked. “Looks like Diana’s a shit shot.”

“Ares, language.” Hestia warned.

“She was merely warning him.” Artemis waved her hand in dismissal. “Or she sneezed.”

“I’m sure that BS allergy is getting to her.” Hermes rolled his eyes. 

With his astounding sight, Apollo stared at the goddess who’d yet to leave her temple. Diana’s cold silver gaze had little hint of forgiveness in it, and dare he say it resembled the look she had on her face after she’d dealt with that jack-hole Actaeon. She drew another arrow and pulled back on the string.

Instantly, trillions of possible futures started flooding into Apollo’s head, giving him a small migraine. There were not many where this next shot of hers ended well for him. Survival instincts overrode his enormous pride, and he floored it.

He had to find his nephew before his twin actually killed him!

“He is so grounded, no strippers for a week. Definitely no gambling, and his wifi will be cursed!” Apollo declared as if he was making a world ending plague. 

“That’s cruel.” Hermes shook his head.

“Apollo, why would my son ever be near one of Aphrodite’s lesser children?” Artemis asked.

“You think that hurts me, but a girl’s gotta get by in life somehow.” Aphrodite drawled while filing her nails.

“...Jason, stop staring at me.”

“You do tend to disappear at night…”

“I go back to my cabin to sleep!”

“A likely story.” Leo snorted.

“Why weren’t you in your cabin to begin with?” Thalia asked lowly, leveling the girl with a pointed stare.

“I...Oh, look, another date change!” Piper quickly resumed reading.

January 14th, 2008

“Well, that’s problematic.”

Naruto stared at the massive gate that was chained and padlocked shut by the city, judging by the closed notice hanging from the lock. A historical placard made of bronze-tinted steel was screwed into the brick beside it, explaining the history of the eight story brick mansion that apparently hid — from the more preternaturally unaware — a hotel. 

The teen scowled and looked down at the dead cellphone in his hand. He’d attempted to call Alf once he got here, but his battery was dead. Given that his apartment was attacked by The Tracksuit Mafia,

“Dibs on the name!” Apollo cried. He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “So using that name for something later!”

“Dammit.” Hermes and Ares scowled.

put in the JCPDs holding cell for a night, and travelling down the east coast by foot — Alf had insisted upon it so he could finalize some details with the Hotel — he shouldn’t have been too surprised. It was still irritating all the same.

Uncle Fred probably broke the voicemail by now, Naruto thought with a snort as he pocketed his phone. His uncle was probably going to be upset that he left the apartment, but he really had no one to blame but himself.

“You’re the one that–!” Apollo manifested a throw pillow and screamed into it.

“Wow, his rage broke.” Ares laughed. “I haven’t seen that in eons! This story rocks!” 

He might not have been a demigod, but he wasn’t known for his vast attention span either. He crossed his arms and glared at the lock again.

Just hop the gate, Boy! The Fox snarled, adding lowly under his breath. Sage, preserve me from this simpleton’s stupidity!

“You’re in a mood.” 

“Look, it’s either murderous, hungry or asleep. It’s not a lot of options.” Ares admitted. 

“...What about when you’re with Aph–No, wait. I don’t want to know.” Hermes held his hand up, cutting himself off.

“Me neither.” Hephaestus deadpanned. He glanced at his wife and arched his brow.

“Passion is passion, Hephaestus.”

“And a slut is a slut.” Artemis sneered.

“Oof, zing!” Apollo chuckled at his twin’s quip.

Naruto mused, filing the softer comment away as something to ask about later, and looked around. The last thing he needed was to be busted by a local cop for breaking and entering. Seeing none in sight, odd given it was Monday, he jumped up and grabbed the top of the gate. With the strength and agility that most professional gymnasts would envy, Naruto pulled himself over the iron gate and landed with hardly a sound. 

“That is quite the feat.” Athena hummed. “Given his extracurricular activities–”

“Being a superhero/vigilante.” Hazel and Reyna frowned at one another. “He’s a superhero!/He’s clearly taking the law into his own hands!”

“Ladies, please. Don’t fight.” Nico drawled, holding his hands up to their faces. “Wait for me to move first.”

It was only upon his landing did his comment get a response from his grumbling companion.

I’m only in a “mood” because you’ve been gawking at that stupid gate for ten minutes!

“That can’t be the only reason.”

Well it is!

“And people call gods petty.” Naruto mumbled as he walked up to the giant wooden doors bearing iron. He grabbed one of the wolf-head door knockers and used it to its design, before waiting.

And waiting.

Ten minutes passed and a raven cawed behind him. Naruto glanced at the tree where the bird sat. Ethereal green eyes stared back from the bird’s head.

“Well, that’s only extremely unsettling.” He turned to face the raven fully. “I don’t know if you’re Hugin or Munin, but regardless you can get Odin to open this door for me, right? I’m here for the lifeguard job.”

“Mister Wednesday is in a meeting, please hold.” Hermes said as if he were a stereotypical switchboard phone operator.

“Like that fool has meetings.” Zeus harrumphed. “He’s always off gallivanting as if he’s the greatest gift to mankind!”

“You’ve never looked at the entry for ‘hypocrisy’ in the dictionary, have you?” Hades asked, smirking.

The raven tilted its head and scrutinized him anew for another moment. Without prompting, it took off to the sky and disappeared behind the manor. He stared at its last known location and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Why did I think that would work?”

It wasn’t a terrible idea. The Fox snorted. Except for the whole bird part of it. I hate birds. They’re loud and annoying.

“You’re definitely going through something.” Naruto sighed as he started rubbing his head. Before he could consider what to do next, there was a soft creek at the door behind him. He let his hand fall and arched a brow. “That’s convenient.”

Think it’s a trap?

“Could be.” It wouldn’t be too surprising.

Gonna spring it?

“Probably.” It was the only way to get into the building.

Gonna eat whoever set it up?

“We’ve gone over this, Fox.” 

“Eh.” Ares shrugged. 

“The second he does: zap.” Zeus mumbled.

His eyes rolled. That was an argument they shared over the course of their trip to Boston. Particularly whenever they stumbled across any wayward hikers. The Fox would make a snide comment, then suggest eating them, and Naruto would refuse.

Right, right. The Fox huffed. Gonna kill whoever set it up?

“Much better.” Ares nodded, oblivious to Zeus’ scowl.

“I’m going to speak with them. If it gets violent, it gets violent.”

I’ll take what I can get.

Naruto shook his head and went to the door. He’d barely nudged it open when an otherworldly force took hold of the front of his shirt. He planted his feet and tightened his grip on the rim of the doors, scowling at the dark interior. The wood splintered in his grasp and he felt something beneath his feet give.

Yes! It’s a trap! Oh-ho-ho, these guys are so dead now!

“I hate magic.” Naruto grumbled before he was pulled in and the door slammed shut behind him.

“Well, that’s rude.” Hazel frowned.

“He’s not wrong.” Thalia drawled. “Magic is stupid broken.”

“...Don’t your knives and bow count as magical constructs?”

“Nope. Summoned from a subspace.”

“Magically?”

“...I am trying to like you, Hazel.” Thalia narrowed her eyes.

“Is there anyone you do like?” Percy asked. Quickly, he added, “Aside from Annabeth, Artemis or any other Hunter?”

“She likes her imaginary boyfriend.” Nico chirped with a smirk.

“I’m going to kill you in your sleep, Narco.”

“Ooh! Now that’s a pairing name!” Aphrodite beamed.

Two blue eyes glared at the knock upon her office door.

“Gunilla!” A muffled voice called from the other side. “You’re needed in the foyer!”

Gunilla Thorsdottir, Captain of Odin’s Valkyries, Thane of Valhalla, all around badass extraordinaire, groaned in frustration.

“That sounds like someone we know.” Annabeth smirked.

“Annie, come on.” Thalia scowled.

“Who said I was talking about you?”

Not twenty minutes prior, she had explicitly requested not being bothered while going over reports from her Valkyries. There were so many potential souls to fight for Valhalla, and so many more reports to go through. Normally, it was Odin’s job to determine who would be welcomed in the heroic mead hall and who would go to Freyja’s land, Fólkvangr, but the Allfather was away, on one of his many ‘wandering trips’. That left the sorting of souls to the Valkyrie captain, and, while she would happily vote for their placement within Hotel Valhalla as one of the Thanes, Gunilla’s eyes were starting to cross from going over four hundred reports in the past hour. 

“...This girl does good work and she’s hot.” Hermes grinned.

“Do not consort with her, Hermes.” Hera glared at him.

“I know, I know, she’s Norse.” Hermes sighed. “Shame, too. I had a Welsh girl on my bingo card this year.”

“Your what!?” Artemis’ eye twitched.

“Uh…nothing.”

There were thousands more yet still to be read. It wouldn’t be half as bad if there was an order to it. Resigned to dealing with the mess before her later, Gunilla rose from her desk and opened her office door. She glared at the Valkyrie that stood before her, a girl of seventeen years with dark hair and green eyes.

“I had explicitly requested not to be disturbed, Irene.” She growled.

“Yes, I know, but…there’s a mortal in the foyer.” 

“Unleash the hounds!” Frank declared.

“Heh, heh, heh.” Leo chuckled. “Mr. Burns, you crazy old psycho.”

“Whoever brought them in shall submit their report as the others do—” Gunilla drawled, only for Irene to cut her off.

“It’s the boy that was with Nightshade.”

“What?” Thorsdottir blinked. Irene repeated herself and Gunilla stared at her for another minute more. Slowly, a smirk spread across her face and she crossed her arms.

“Well, who was the one to bring him in?” She’d have to push to get them something nice. A spa brochure or something.

“...Stop. Being. Perfect.” Hermes scowled.

“You like ‘em thicc, Herm?” Apollo asked, arching a brow. Hermes glared at him.

“It’s as close as I can get to experimenting without actually experimenting, bro. Lay off.”

“He entered alone and—” Irene hesitated. “Alive.”

“…Beg pardon?”

“Ha. Not so fun when the living come to your door, is it?” Hades said with dark satisfaction. 

“He’s still alive.”

Gunilla’s arms fell to her sides and her smirk fell into a scowl. She twisted her arms and a maul of Bone Steel appeared in one hand while a sword of the same make appeared in the other.

“Then let us remedy that.”

“That’s a rape face if I ever saw it.” Aphrodite pointed out.

“Funny, I see no mirror within eyesight.” Artemis snidely shot back.

“I have consensual sessions, Artemis.”

“Only because you’ve already raped your target’s mind.”

“Ladies, please.” Hestia frowned. “Stop making such crass commentary in front of the children.”

“Yeah, Thalia can only handle so much!”

“Oh, you wanna die young, don’t you, di Angelo?!”

“Well, I figured you’d want to complete the set!”

“I said enough!” Hestia snapped, eyes locked on her niece and nephew. They quailed under her glare and she huffed, small flames shooting from her nose, before she settled back in her seat.

“Alf is dead to me.”

Naruto caught the blade of yet another burly teenage boy wearing a green Hotel Valhalla shirt and floral swim trunks with the underside of his axe. His open hand lashed out like a pit viper’s and he struck the boy’s throat. While he choked on air, Naruto used his stomach as a stepping stone, walking up his physique to launch himself over to the front desk, where his target watched with a sneer on his face.

This all came about because the concierge, who was apparently a rule-stickler in the worst way, couldn’t accept that a clear-sighted mortal had been brought into Hotel Valhalla alive.

“Really? I call balderdash on that.” Hades grumbled. “Five times in the past thousand years the Underworld’s entrance was found by clear-sighted mortals. Five times.”

“Three of those times might’ve been my fault.” Hermes winced.

“Yes. I remember.” Hades grit out.

He knew the Norse and their ilk took the word stubborn and stretched the meaning of the word to new levels, but this was getting ridiculous.

“If you are not worthy, we will make you worthy!” Another armed teenager roared as she tackled him out of the air. 

“Get the chair, snap her back!” Ares cheered. “Man, I gotta use my vacation days!” 

Naruto hit the ground with a grunt, but kicked the girl away. He got back to his feet in time for a series of thumps to catch his attention. He looked around with a frown on his face.

There were suddenly a lot of armored girls around him. One in particular stood out above the others, both literally and figuratively. By guesstimation, she was near his age, but built with more muscle than he had. Her hair a paler hue of blonde compared to his vibrant gold, and her eyes thunderous blues like that of his half-blooded friend. 

It’s almost as if that female you were courting buffed up, took a flat iron pan to the face, covered herself in hammers and then poorly dyed her hair! The Fox snorted. 

“She’s a fixer-upper, but no need to be cruel.” Aphrodite winced. 

“…W…Were you talking about the Valkyrie or me?!” Thalia asked, scowling at the goddess.

“Yes.”

It took all of Naruto’s willpower not to laugh aloud at the images that conjured up. That was made an easy task when one word stood out amongst the rest. He glared sharply at his arm.

“What do you mean ‘courting’?”

“He was not courting her/me!” Artemis and Thalia protested.

“Oh, he definitely was.” Aphrodite smirked. “He just doesn’t know it yet.”

Were you not? Was it just to be a…blast, the Bitch had her own term for this. The Fox grumbled. The word eludes me. Look alive, the oni is speaking.

“Mortal,” the girl said with a scowl, her voice echoing over the copious jeering and drawing his attention once more. “You trespass on sacred ground. You will have one chance to explain yourself.”

“I’m here for the lifeguard position,” he said. He looked around at the dumbfounded stares sent his way and shrugged. “If it’s already been filled, I’ll just leave.”

“…Who sent you?” The girl asked, frowning.

“Freyr.”

“Describe him.”

“Hawkish nose, blond hair, crooked chin.”

“Sexy as fudge.” Apollo grinned.

Demeter sighed and Aphrodite tittered.

You forgot a sneaky bastard. The Fox pointed out. Naruto ignored him.

“Odd.” The girl willed away her weapons and crossed her arms before looking him over. “You were dead not a month prior to today, I saw it. How did you survive?”

“And how can we remedy this?” Hades added with a dark chuckle, looking ready to make a memo. He had a large quill-like pen and a pad of paper on hand.

“Magic.” He brandished his marked forearm for a moment before tucking it away.

“Now isn’t that a hit to the processing department?”

“Hades, please stop taking glee from the suffering of other afterlifes.” Hestia requested with a chiding tone of voice.

“Yes, Sister.” Hades grumbled as he put his memo pad away. 

“Is that so?” she asked. He nodded. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “We shall see what the Thanes think.”

“Thanes?” Naruto frowned, unfamiliar with the term.

“The ruling council/board of the Hotel,” She explained, gesturing for him to follow.

“To the sex dungeon!?” Aphrodite gasped.

“Lucky. Bastard.” Leo and Hermes gaped.

“He’s not going to her sex dungeon!” Artemis hissed.

He did, slipping his axe back to its earring form and placing it back on his left ear. The Valkyrie kept speaking as he followed her. “Lord Odin has the final say, but when the Thanes rule something, it often goes over smoothly.”

“Uh-huh.” Naruto was half listening, focused on the pelt-covered, armored lass in front of him.

“...Oh, I’d stare at that lass, too, Lil Nephew.” Apollo grinned slyly. He let out a grunt, before he glared at his twin and rubbed his arm. “Was the hitting necessary?”

“Yes. Otherwise I might’ve just shot you.” Artemis grunted.

“...Ohhh, because Lass sounds like–I got it.” Hazel nodded. She blushed. “Wait, so he was staring–!?”

“At her butt, yes.” Annabeth nodded. She glanced at Thalia, who’s eye had gained a twitch in it. “You okay, Thalia?”

“Yup.” The Lieutenant chirped, popping the ‘p’. The white of her knuckles told Annabeth otherwise.

What was with a female’s hip sway? Why did it always draw his eye? Stupid hormones. Alf would be forgiven for everything he put the mortal through if he’d just do away with the accursed chemical changes going on in Naruto’s brain.

“...It would give him a lot of leeway with me.” Artemis mumbled.

“What would that leeway entail?” Zeus asked cautiously.

“I wouldn’t shoot him on sight.” Artemis drawled.

Ugh, and I thought the Red-Headed Bitch’s hormonal years with that blond idiot were bad. The Fox grumbled. I can only imagine what your younger years were like.

Okay, one: who is this poor woman you keep referencing and what did she ever do to you? Two: They weren’t, and still aren’t, over fast enough.

“Were you listening?” The Valkyrie asked, standing in front of a large set of double doors. When’d they get here? When had she turned around? How long had he not been paying attention?

“Dude. I feel that.” Percy deadpanned. He put a hand on his chest. “I embody that.”

“Mortal, stop staring at my face.”

Stupid &%*$ hormones!

“Embrace them!” Aphrodite urged. 

“He might as well join the dark side.” Leo shrugged. 

“He should.” Frank grabbed a cookie from a tray as it floated by. “We have cookies.”

And here I was thinking you were the blond idiot’s child. The Fox snorted. Clearly, you got his looks alone.

“Sorry, I zone out a lot when I’m not fighting.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“...What was your name again?” Naruto asked in an attempt to change the subject. The girl smirked and crossed her arms.

“Brave of you to ask after staring at my arse.” She leaned in a bit towards him. “Then again, most lack the stones to ask for it at all.”

“Oh, snap. This one’s got more flirt to her than Thalia does.”

“Annie!” Thalia spluttered. Annabeth looked at her and shrugged.

“I thought insinuating that you like him doesn’t bother you?”

“It doesn’t!”

“Then why are you getting upset?”

“I’m not!”

“It’s because he’s showing interest in another woman.” Aphrodite drawled. “Zeus gets so very possessive of his ‘bedmates’.”

“Aphrodite, must we discuss terms allowed to be used in the Council Chambers again?” Hera asked, glaring daggers at her husband.

“Well, ‘floozies’ seemed too childish and ‘Bed-Buddies’ sounds like a bad comedy.”

“...I just had a great idea–”

“Copyrighted.” Apollo chirped, smirking at the scowling Hermes.

Amazon alarms were blaring in his head.

“I suddenly have the feeling I’m not going to like working here.”

“Shame. As far as I’m concerned, you’re hired.” The Valkyrie said with a small smile. He leaned back from her, how in the world was he supposed to respond to that?! Her smile cracked a bit more and her shoulders gave a slight tremor as she leaned back. “Let’s just hope the rest of the Thanes agree. Be a waste to have you killed and sent to the Ginnungagap.”

“The what?” Leo chuckled.

“Ginnungagap.” Piper smiled. “What a fun word.”

“It’s essentially the abyss outside of reality.” Nico drawled. Eyes turned to him and he shrugged. “I read up on it with Will.”

“That was an adorable study date.” Apollo nodded.

“...Would you stop spying on us!?” 

“No.”

“Bless you?”

“You have by coming here.” The Valkyrie smirked and tapped his nose, making him go cross-eyed while he spluttered.

“My, this Valkyrie is making good on her heritage.” Aphrodite tittered.

“I will shoot her from the sky.” Artemis grumbled, fingers drumming on the arm of her throne.

“Don’t fret, Mortal, ‘tis but some fun. You’re too young for my tastes.” Her smirk fell with her next words as a look of grave seriousness followed. “Cute as you are, I’ll still kill you if you were to do anything to advance the coming of Ragnarök.”

Oh-ho-ho, I like this one. The Fox chuckled while Naruto faltered for words while his hormones waged rebellion in his mind against his greater ego. He would not let this back and forth end with him being made the fool by a technicality.

“I am not cute.” He growled. What? No! Stupid hormone addled brain! Focus!

“You’re right.” Ha! She agreed! “You’re adorable.”

“What?!” Artemis snapped.

“Aw, there-there, little sis. He had to grow up someday.” Apollo smiled at her reassuringly.

She snarled at him.

What?

“Like a kitten.”

What?!

“Isn’t that what Thalia called him?” Leo asked, grinning.

“He does have that cute whiskered animal thing going for him.” Frank rubbed his chin. Leo side-eyed him.

“Learned something about you today, Zhang.” 

“...not gonna…her…I came up with Whiskers…” Thalia grumbled, hands gesticulating in her lap.

The Fox burst into laughter.

“I...You…” Naruto settled for glaring daggers at the girl, who smiled at him and patted his cheek condescendingly. He knocked her hand away as he felt his blood boil.

“You’re a feisty one. You may just last longer than the last Life Guard.” That was a red flag. The Valkyrie turned and put her hands on the door behind her. A mighty shove and the doors creaked open before the Valkyrie turned back to him. “The name is Gunilla Thorsdottir, Mortal. Welcome to Hotel Valhalla.”

“That sounds like a terrible television show.” Hera huffed. “Our doorman would probably star in it.”

January 20th, 2008

Naruto quickly found out that a “Life Guard” was not Hotel Valhalla’s version of a pool’s safety official.

No, the “Life Guard” was essentially the primary target in a widespread game of Killer.

“Again, my vacation days are stacking up.”

“No, Ares. You cannot go.” Zeus pinched his nose when the God of War whined at him. “I said no, Boy!”

Only in this game, the masses used actual weapons in an attempt to kill one individual. The reason the hotel hired outside help to act as “Life Guards” was to evaluate the heroes of the modern age and the skills of the heroes within the Hotel. Not to mention, it was a moot point to use an already chosen occupant in a hotel where the legitimate occupants could never die.

“...I’m sorry, the awesome story said what?” Ares gaped.

Yeah, fun fact he learned in his first hour on the job, the Hotel’s occupants – called Einherjar – were resurrected upon their deaths. He’d nearly had a panic attack after one axe-happy viking-looking teenager – “You got a hell of a swing, Mortal! Name’s Halfborn Gunderson,” he’d introduce himself later – attempted to blindside him, and literally lost his head and hands for his troubles.

“....I…Wha…WHY DOESN’T OUR AFTERLIFE HAVE THAT!?” Ares shrieked.

“Because it defies the natural order.” Hades deadpanned. “These lunatics glorify combat and the death in it.”

“...Hades, think about what you just said and who you said it to.” Poseidon sighed while Ares had an existential crisis.

“I know, it just came to me.” 

Gunilla was kind enough to enforce a ‘time out’ to explain that to him. An hour later, she tried to crush his skull with her maul while he was preoccupied with looking for a bathroom. At that moment, Naruto didn’t regret decapitating her.

“I’ll bet that’s not all he’ll regret doing with her–”

“I’d rather see him take Thalia’s virginity.” The Huntress spat, glaring at her giggling rival.

“L-Lady Artemis!” Thalia spluttered. Artemis glanced at her.

“You may be a virgin here, Thalia, but I know you’re not chaste.”

Thalia all but immolated on the spot while the other Demigods started snickering.

“So they do have lonely hand nights, I knew it!” Apollo slammed his hand into his palm.

That was a week prior. It was day eight and Naruto still remained alive. The only times he could rest were during the breaks for meals and combat practice; the second was the only one he was allowed to observe, but not participate in. 

There’d been several close calls. Members of the 64th Floor had attempted to drop a slab of limestone on him no less than four hours after his ‘game’ started. Halfborn and his fellows from the 19th Floor dogged him endlessly on the second day. Gunilla would make a daily challenge to him in single combat, thus far it had only happened in the most inopportune times.

“During his lonely hand night, I assume.” Hermes rubbed his chin.

“I don’t think he has those anymore.” Apollo pursed his lips. “Kurama’s there now, right? So…”

“He’s doomed to be a fetishist. Oh, well, shame for you, Artemis.” Aphrodite smirked at her rival. “Your son becomes the very thing you wished to prevent: A pervert.”

“Unless he’s chaste.” Percy crossed his arms. Eyes turned to him. “What?”

“...I didn’t think you knew what that meant, Percy.”

“Ouch, Wise Girl.” Percy frowned. “I’m not that dumb. Besides, this Naruto’s fighting style is unnecessarily brutal. According to one of mom’s psych books, repressed sexual energy is often used to fuel violent acts.”

“This has to be the hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed.” Annabeth admitted. She gave Percy a deep kiss and rested her head on his shoulder. “Keep saying smart things, Percy.”

“You’re beautiful.” The dazed boy mumbled. Annabeth smirked.

“I said smart, Seaweed Brain, not sweet.”

“Piper? Please read so I can forget I saw that happen.” Thalia muttered while rubbing her temples.

“Sure thing.” Piper nodded.

Other Einherjar utilized pathetically generic schemes in an attempt to kill him, i.e., numbers. It had only nearly worked the first time, when he hadn’t been aware of their resurrection abilities. 

At the moment, Naruto was curled up in a storage closet on the 104th Floor, attempting to catch some sleep. He was almost surprised by a literal bomb in his supplied bedroom on the 19th Floor, warned only by the faint smell of gunpowder and The Fox’s astute senses. For the past three days, he’d been too paranoid to stay in one place for too long, and moved floors every six to seven hours.

A creak in the floorboard outside the storage closet’s door made him crack his eyes open. He tightened his grip on the handle of his axe. Soft whispering made him control his breathing.

“-could be busted for this-”

“-ou should be focused on the Life-”

“-I won’t work with a blasph-!”

Ill intent. The Fox rumbled. Not aimed at us.

Naruto closed his eyes, but continued to listen. The voices bickered for a moment longer before wood broke and a scream rang out. Metal clashed for several seconds and grunts sounded beneath it. The familiar sound of nonconsensual bloodletting signaled the end of the conflict.

Curiosity getting the best of him, Naruto slunk over to the door and peered through the keyhole. 

A lone figure wearing a green shawl around their head panted as they pulled their weapon from the back of another Einherjar that lay on the floor. Their back was to the door. Flapping wings were heard and they gasped. Quickly, she stumbled back and reached for the door handle.

Scared. The Fox salivated. They always taste better when they’re scared.

We. Are. Not. Eating. Corpses.

“They’re not corpses if they’re still alive!” Ares grinned.

“He raises a good point.” Zeus nodded, ignoring his siblings dull stare.

“Father, stop trying to turn my son into a cannibal!” Artemis snapped.

Spoilsport. They’re coming in.

What? Naruto threw himself away from the door as it flung open and quickly shut. The figure leaned on the other side and pressed their ear to the door. More flapping sounded before the figure sighed and made to open the door.

Honed reflexes were the only reason Naruto’s head lacked an axe protruding from it. His hand still bled as it tightened around the arabic girl’s axe. She was a young thing, definitely not much older than Annabeth, but the look in her eyes spoke of a maturity most didn’t have.

“...So...The frosty Annabeth?” Leo asked, arching a brow.

“Work on your material, Hot Stuff.” Hazel advised with a smirk.

“Life Guard.” She mumbled. She looked at the axe he still held and pulled it. He ignored the sting as he kept it in place. The girl frowned at him. “I seek no conflict with you, Life Guard.”

“Perhaps not.” He uttered. “But those Einherjar may think otherwise.”

“Those Einherjar are driven by the beliefs they died with.” The girl mumbled, almost sourly. She sighed. “Please release my axe, I swear on my family name that I mean you no harm. I’m here to report, and then go home. That’s all.”

“Home?” Naruto frowned as he released her axe’s blade. The Fox healed his wounds and she slid her weapon back over her shoulder before looking at him again.

“I’m like you.”

His brow furrowed for a moment before it clicked. She wasn’t an Einherji. Looking her over, he noticed her armor resembled a more modernized version of Gunilla’s, and her shawl was actually a hijab considering how it tucked tightly around her face.

“You’re alive.”

“Yes.” The girl nodded. “Samriah al-Abbas.”

“That’s arabic.” Annabeth blinked. “She’s arabic.”

“Uhh...Is there a problem with that?” Piper asked.

“What? No. I just–It’s a little surprising that the Norse have an Arabic Valkyrie.”

“Cherokee.” “Hispanic.” “Chinese Canadian.” “Black.” Piper, Leo, Frank and Hazel all deadpanned.

“That’s not what I meant, guys. The Olympians picked your parents because of aspects of them they liked.” Annabeth shook her head. “I kind of want to know how an Arab-American became a Valkyrie. I mean, what’s the process? The requirements? Do you fill out an application–”

“You cannot apply to become a Valkyrie, Annabeth Chase.” Athena deadpanned.

“I was just making an example!” Annabeth pouted.

“You’re an Arabic Valkyrie?” He asked. She hesitated and he sighed before he crossed his arms. “Listen, if it makes you feel better, my name is Naruto. Not ‘Life Guard’.”

“Oh.” Samriah blinked. “That’s...”

“Unexpected?” Naruto smirked when she nodded. “I get that a lot. Want to tell me why those Einherjar were gunning for you?”

“It’s because I’m the daughter of Loki.”

“Regular or Marvel?” Apollo pursed his lips in thought. 

“Probably regular.” Hermes huffed.

“Damn. A god can dream, though, I mean have you seen his ass in Marvel? I’d tap it.”

“That’s not funny, Apollo.” Zeus scowled. Apollo shrugged.

“I wasn’t joking.”

“Really?” Naruto felt his eyebrows shoot to his hairline.

“Really.” She nodded. He leaned back and considered how much that had to suck. The girl leaned against the door. “Can I ask you something now?”

“Is it about me being in the closet?”

“I don’t care what your sexual prefrences are.”

“I like this girl.” Aphrodite grinned.

“She’s doomed.” Artemis drawled.

“...I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.” Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose while The Fox roared with laughter. “What’s your real question?”

“How are you still alive?”

“Magic.”

“...Really?” Samriah blinked.

“That’s the gist of it.” He shrugged. “Don’t you have a report to make?”

“Yeah. I don’t think Gunilla’s going to be happy with it though.”

“Gunilla gives you a hard time?”

“I’m a daughter of Loki. She’s a daughter of Thor.” Samriah shrugged. “Marvel didn’t just make that rivalry famous for the heck of it.”

“But they sure did, didn’t they?” Leo snorted.

“No kidding.” Naruto mumbled, recalling his uncle’s rants against the gods in question whenever he tried to get him invested in cartoons by binge-watching them. At at least, attempting to. They usually just put him to sleep.

“...Artemis, your son is broken.” Apollo deadpanned. Artemis snorted.

“Or he has a brain beyond your capability of understanding.”

“Unpossible!”

Except for one time where a Spider-Man cartoon featured The Lizard. He was up for a whole night, afraid about being caught off guard by the nightmare-inducing madman known as Curt Connors. He shook the thought from his mind and sought desperately to distract himself from it. “So, it’s that bad that you two are pulled into it?”

“Hm? Oh, no. She was hoping to use our similarity to make a foundation of friendship so that you would reveal your abilities.”

“…Huh?” 

“We’ve noticed how lenient you get in fights whenever you have to interact with younger girls.”

“And his weakness is exploited. Way to go, Arte.” Ares clapped. “Ya doomed him.”

“I did no such thing–!”

“Not that I’m agreeing with Ares, but …yeaaah.” Apollo had to agree, wobbling his hand. “Ya kind of doomed him, Sis.” 

“I don’t...I’m not—!”

“Don’t worry, I think it’s an unconscious psychological thing,” Samriah shrugged.

“Unconscious!? Lame.” Ares snorted.

“That’s not what sh–Don’t bother. He’s not listening.” Athena told herself with a sigh.

“I told her I’d try, but that we probably wouldn’t get anywhere, and I was right. You’re maddeningly unhelpful.”

“Right!?” Apollo nodded.

“All praise to my uncle in that regard.” Naruto deadpanned.

“Then she decided to just use me as a distraction to catch you off guard.” Samriah continued. “I figure it fair to warn you that she’s waiting with a good dozen Valkyrie to come in and attack us while we’re talking.”

“That’s actually rather brilliant.” Athena hummed. “A simple misdirection followed by a swarm of overwhelming force–”

“Athena, he is my son.” Artemis glared at her.

“And, not to be a broken record, I called dibs!” Hades added with a scowl.

“...What?”

“Loki and Thor.” Samriah shrugged. The hint of a smirk played at her features. “Personally, I’m rooting for you. Gunilla’s a jerk.”

Ill intent inbound! Code Red! Code Red!

“That fox is more a living spoiler alert than anything.” Ares said with annoyance. 

“Thanks. Uh, mind…?” Naruto nodded to the side. Samriah stepped to the side, allowing him to run out of the door and leave one of the weirdest exchanges of his life. Although, that could’ve been attributed to his sleep deprivation.

“Ooh, that’s a noteworthy notation.” Annabeth hummed.

March 12th, 2008

Bodies of Einherjar and Valkyrie alike littered the foyer.

“It took him a month to go on the offensive?” Ares scowled. “Pussy.”

“Ares,” Athena sighed tiredly. “He likely had to survive surprise attacks, poisonings, bombs and what else have you before deciding to turn the tables upon them.”

“...Still a pussy.”

They were wholly unprepared for the carnage that came early that morning. Explosions riddled the dining hall, disrupting the morning meal, and rune stones across the Hotel fell inert as safety precautions activated. All save for the master stone, Odin’s personal key, which had been stolen from his quarters. The culprit of these atrocities?

A very unhappy employee.

“He just read the fine print. Get the lawyers and HR, stat!” Hermes cried out.

“Why. Won’t. You. Die?” Gunilla huffed with every slash she made at the blond Life Guard. Her target caught her stab through the palm of his hand and drove his foot into her gut. She stumbled back and glared at the boy facing her.

His body was leaner and muscles more pronounced due to the slight malnourishment he suffered. His hair had grown to a shaggy length and peach fuzz grew on his jaw, chin and the sides of his mouth. His shirt was the only article of clothing that lacked any damage, despite the many attempts made on his life. The skin exposed by his torn jeans was littered with scars, a fate his arms and right eye shared. She’d acquired his original right eye in their ninth duel, and witnessed his incredible regenerative gift firsthand.

That trophy was pickled in a jar and would rest on her desk until Ragnarök came.

“Okay that’s a touch excessive.” Aphrodite cringed. “I’d expect something like that from Athena.”

“Excuse you?”

“The trophy part. Not the pickling part. We know you hate pickles.”

“It’s just a spoiled cucumber.” Athena grumbled. “Why mortals enjoy them, I’ll never understand.” 

“I told you.” His voice was scratchy and dry. “I tried that already. It was boring—” 

The Life Guard cut his own words short to turn and catch Mallory Keen in the skull with his axe. He jumped up and over her head, his axe dislodged and caused the daughter of Frigg to stumble into Gunilla’s way. The blood spray blinded the daughter of Thor, leaving her open to another assault that knocked her to the ground. Through bleary eyes she stared at the lean figure that stood over her.

“So I stood back up.”

“...Can we see that in an instant replay!? That was awesome!” Ares cheered. He snapped his fingers, now wearing a beer can hat and a red T-shirt that read ‘Olympus Born, Giant Raised’. “Whoo!”

He turned his back on her and limped toward the main doors. Another Einherjar flew at the Life Guard, only to be caught by a swinging log — one of many traps that was set up before the main attack and further dwindled their numbers — and crushed into a wall. The blond Life Guard put his hand on the door and turned back to her. He pointed at her with his axe.

“In case it wasn’t clear,” he said through gritted teeth. “I quit. You win. Game. Over.”

“Cue the Saw theme!” Apollo grinned.

“Don’t you dare.” Hephaestus glared at him.

“Co-” Gunilla scowled at him. “Coward!”

“I’m not immortal!” He roared, rounding on her. “I’m not Einherjar! This was just a job! I quit that job! You don’t like it? Tough! That’s how life works! You want something and it’s ripped away from you, so you have to adapt! Deal with it!”

“...That is his life in a nutshell, isn’t it?” Frank hummed.

“Explain yourself, Frank Zhang.” Artemis growled.

“Uh-um, well, I mean.” Frank stammered. “He was kicked out–Er, sent away when he was a kid, right? So he had to adapt to that change in his life really early. Then after he met Khonsu, he had to adapt to life on the road. Then he had to act like he was into being a slave–”

“Act nothing. That second kiss had tongue.” Apollo chuckled.

“Quiet!” Artemis hissed. She looked back at Frank. “Continue.”

“Well, after he rejoined the Hunt that was only temporary, and now he had to deal with being banned from his friends so we’re seeing that adaption…in action…?”

“...I can’t believe it, Ares had a smart son.” Artemis mumbled.

“He’s Mars’ son.” Athena corrected quickly.

“Oh, that makes much more sense.”

“F*ck the both of you!” Ares snapped, raising the single-finger-salute up high.

“Fool! The game won’t end—” She huffed and pushed herself to her feet. “Until you die.”

“Really?” He asked, scowling. She nodded. His eyes narrowed, he held his hands out to his sides. “…Then come and kill me, Thorsdottir.”

“That’s a bed invite for sure.”

“Aphrodite, do us all a favor and keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.” Artemis snapped.

“This just isn’t your chapter, is it, Sis?”

“Apollo, I still blame you for this.”

“Wha–Gu–What did I do!?”

“You lost him! Again!”

“That’s not my fault.”

“Twins, you’re cycling.” Poseidon sighed and rubbed his temples. “Piper McLean, please hurry and finish reading so that we may move past this mockery of a chapter.”

Gunilla managed one step, before she found herself without a leg. She toppled in gracefully to the ground and glared at him from the ground as he caught his axe on its rebound.

“You…belong here. Not with mortals.” She pulled herself towards him and manifested her wings. “Here!”

Silver knives flew and her wings were riddled with holes, rendered useless.

“Life Guard—!”

“My name is Naruto! Learn it! Remember it! Hate it!” He pressed his fingers into his chest as he bared his teeth like a rabid beast. “Because I’ve done the one thing few others can claim! I beat you, Valkyrie! I! Beat! All of you!”

“...Imma fight ‘im!” Ares gasped.

“Ares–” 

“No, I meant the other me! That’s what my genius plan is!” Ares grinned. “He’s not a hunter, he’s not a camper, he’s free game!”

“That...That’s not–Athena!” Artemis looked worriedly at her wise sister.

“He is ...Ugh, he is right, Artemis. Damn you for making me say it.” The goddess of wisdom pinched the bridge of her nose. 

“See!? I know what’s up!” Ares grinned and punched his fist into his palm. “It’s like that old Spartan saying: “You gotta fatten a pig up before you skewer ‘em. Or in this case, toss a fighter at everything until they are just perfect to kill.” 

With his boast delivered, Naruto huffed and slumped against the locked doors to regain his breath. Gunilla watched him with a scowl. So long as the security was still active, he would be trapped. The Einherjar would recover soon enough, and even she would reform whole if given enough time. Then they could attack while he was weak and make him eat those words.

A raven flew down from the upper floors and landed on the handle of the door Naruto leaned upon. It’s eyes shone with power as it cawed. The latch clicked.

“No.” Gunilla balled her hands into fists. “Lord Odin, why?!”

“Because he is correct.” The wise voice of The Allfather rumbled.

“...Oh, terrific.” Poseidon groaned.

“It’s him.” Hades sighed.

“Borson.” Zeus spat the name like a curse.

She looked up and saw the one-eyed man standing in a green polo and slacks.

“...PFFFT!” Leo covered his mouth and looked away. Everyone looked at him and he waved his hand, stifling laughter. “I’m sorry–I’m sorry! I...Just, the Big Three’s reaction to his name and then we get that!? Golfing granddad one-eye? Come on!”

He looked down at her, and gave her a knowing look. “He’s still a mortal.”

“But-but, Lord Odin—!”

“Fret not, Captain.” The Allfather smiled, almost grandfatherly down at her. “His time will come and when it does, I will send you to collect him.”

“Over my faded powers.” Artemis snarled. “This would be shepherd thinks himself a wolf, well I will hunt him until he–”

“Annnd she’s gone.” Apollo deadpanned. He shook his head. “She’s just not able to keep her head on straight whenever Odin comes up in conversation.”

“What’s that about?” Thalia asked.

“Not my story to tell.”

Gunilla was too flustered to manage a single word. Odin lost his smile as he walked over to the mortal and clapped a hand on his shoulder, a gesture that Gunilla had seen him do many times before to the gods that he ruled over. They stared at one another, before Odin cracked another small smile. This one full of nothing pleasant like the one he bore for her.

“I will warn you once, Boy,” The Allfather said lowly as he put one hand on the door. “If you tell your ‘family’ any of Valhalla’s secrets, not even Olympus’ strongest magic will protect you from my wrath. Are we understood?”

“…Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Odin’s smile became warm as he pushed the door open. “Live strong, and die well, Naruto Huntersson. We will meet again one day.” 

“He’s trying to claim him…” Artemis snarled.

“Hey, cool off sis,” Apollo grinned. “At least it’s better than something cliche like Moonson or Deerson!” 

“Virginson?” Percy asked.

“Don’t, don’t ruin what I thought of you, Percy.” Annabeth sighed.

“Thank you for your benevolence, Lord Odin.” Naruto mumbled, stumbling out into the Boston air without looking back.

“Okay. Good. Finally.” Piper closed the book and sighed. She looked at Thalia. “So, what do you like to think about on lonely nights?”

“Burying you alive.” Thalia hissed.

“Her imaginary boyfriend, obviously.” Nico snorted. Sky blue eyes turned to the boy.

“You die first.”

“Well duh, I’m not an immortal cheerleader.”

“Hey.” Dionysus frowned. “That’s my thing. Don’t steal my thing, Nathaniel.”

“Sorry, Mr. D.” Nico drawled, not breaking eye contact with Thalia, nor did he stop smirking.