I have thoughts... (Patreon)

JUNE "drama" ramble....DON'T Read the Description!!

Dear Diary.....i have thoughts. The past 2 months i've not been myself. Suffering from BDD- it's getting harder every day to be in front of the camera. I want to create content without my face in it again, but there's no going back now... I've been busy researching and writing scripts for a multitude of videos i have planned...but yet...no filming. I would love to edit right now, but i have no footage. I shoot myself down at every step, so nothing ever comes to fruition. I'm unfocused, tackling many things at once. 2000+ tabs is my brain and my pc. We are both suffering LOL Comments focusing on my looks or the "sexual" side of my ASMR videos have been effecting me negatively - especially since i never intend to cater to the fetish minors or people looking for something to "excite" them. I don't relax these ppl...and this makes me sad that my videos are taken that way. When my channel does well, i get more and more of these comments, and it effects me more and more - and i can't bring myself to get in front of the camera. Nothing i write sounds wholesome enough....everything can be taken the wrong way... Hands are a fetish, wear gloves...gloves are a fetish...etc. (oh i prefer to wear gloves coz i'm self conscious about my hands) I'm happy with how well my channel is doing - i think i aced thumbnails and topics....but i'm wary i'm attracting the wrong audience with my new style. I will change my style a bit..."creepy cute" as I say, it may be gradual. My channel won't grow nearly as fast and maybe it will even die. But i'll feel better in my heart. I won't be able to create forever if that's the case, which makes me sad. I literally spent about 2-3x more than i make on each video...so i'm not making anywhere near a profit, so this is a short term fun hobby for me to make stuff, until i have to get a real job. 😅 Making the algorithm happy (easy content, more often, same topic over and over) means your viewers are happy (most of them). Making creative unrelated videos wont be shared by youtube as less of ur existing audience enjoyed it (that means ur paycheck basically halves or less). Everything those top creators do- are a result of the algorithm pushing their hand, and they got to a point to make youtube be a career for them so they HAVE to "feed the machine" so to speak, esp if they have dependents...and yet people demean them for it...creators can't win. If they stayed as creative as when they started they wouldn't have the same income, they would be burnt out, and they wouldn't have life balance. Simple still can help so many ppl. I suppose when your not a creator you don't understand that side...I didn't know anything until i started creating afterall. I get it. I feel like all i am is a weird masked girl, with smoke and mirrors, and a bad voice, nervous demeanor, and poor ASMR delivery. But, i feel confident in my editing skills. Are they hollywood level? No. but i think they are pretty good. :) Simple ASMR, is so much more effective at relaxing people- i feel i lost the way. I prefer my older content...I dunno this is my mind all the time, swirling in circles, over thinking. Feeling shame and not good enough. Not quite knowing what to do next. I've mentioned before but i would work 16 hour days. I actually made myself half deaf because i was suffering nerve pain. I missed christmas to edit. And i neglected my poor friends. It's not right. I took NO weekends, and edited EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Once a month or two i'd watch netflix for 2-4 days to unwind, and start again. I'm not blaming the viewers on this, I - myself- was OBSESSED. But now i realise life is short, and I don't want to not live it. I had to re-write this 10x coz it was too long. I have thoughts.